a general wondering...ment

music

2012-02-08T22:37:00.000-08:00

i've not hidden that music has been a huge blessing to me. it has. i've actually branched out towards some music that i listened to bttwr (before the truth was revealed). i find that even secular music at this point i can find truth in. i guess it depends on what you are looking for.
and right now, i'm looking for songs that pump me up, in a positive Jesus way.
so, since today was a little odd for me. and i don't want to expand more on that. there is always the bright light of what Christ gives me everyday. and every day He pulls me closer to Him, shaping me like the potter shapes clay, and i am hopeful that everyday i become for useful to Him.
my current goal, to offer as many smiles as i can, to let the love of Christ shine out of me.
of course, i'm not always perfect.
i may or may not have gone through a starbucks drive-thru today, and while waiting for my drinks asked the pretty barista if she felt like everyone who worked there as pretty close. she smiled and said, "oh yes". i was like, yeah, my husband used to work for starbucks. and she asked, "oh, did he think they were a close group?" and i smiled and said, "i think so, seeing that he was having sex with the baristas in the back room."
i'm not perfect.
and maybe i have a shameful smirk on my face.
maybe.
back to music that pumps me up.
this is my new theme song. and it "may" bum people out. oh well. i listen to it everyday. my kids hear me singing it very loudly. if you were in the van with me you'd be getting a private dance show.
well, if you are driving next to, you are getting a private dance show.
http://youtu.be/LLNcsqHwoXI
that link will you take you to the video... its not a great video. but you won't really be able to picture me rocking out unless you watch it. this is a Christian punk/emo band.
here are the lyrics:

Pressing On
Relient K

I think we're going somewhere.
We're on to something good here.
Out of mind, out of state.
Trying to keep my head on straight.
I think we're going somewhere.
We're on to something good here.
There's only one thing left to do.
Drop all I have and go with you.

[Chorus:]
Somewhere back there I left my worries all behind.
My problems fell out of the back of my mind.
We're going and I'm never knowing (never knowing) where we're going.
To go back to where I was would just be wrong.
I'm pressing on.
Pressing on, all my distress is going, going, gone. (pressing on, pressing on)
And I won't sit back, and take this anymore.
'Cause I'm done with that, I've got one foot out the door.
And to go back where I was would just be wrong
I'm pressing on.

I think we're going somewhere.
We're on to something good here.
Out of mind, out of state.
Trying to keep my head on straight.
I think we're going somewhere.
We're on to something good here.
Adversity, we get around it.
Searched for joy, in you I found it.

You look down on me, but you don't look down on me at all.
You smile and laugh, and I feel the love you have for me.
I think we're going somewhere.
We're on to something good here, and we're gonna make it after all.

now, the 2 other songs that aren't exactly Christian, but are getting me pumped are both by Jack's Mannequin.
and you should watch the videos. and then think of my sweet sister. who in reference to Andrew from Jack's Mannequin said "I wish he'd play me like that piano" i can't remember the last time i laughed that hard.
well, i do. cause, He's turned my wailing into dancing.
http://youtu.be/sA8PaIw5gcE for swim
and
http://youtu.be/jrOMu-lmfnI for resolution.

enjoy.
cause its 11pm and i've got earbuds in at a way to high level, and i'm having my own little music party.
and then i'll take my ear buds out, read my Bible, and then listen to music from "my jesus" mix as i fall asleep.
occasionally i get good dreams.
two nights ago, 2 of sam's ladies were in it.
less fun for me.
but- i'm pressing on.

sleepiness.

2012-02-07T22:52:00.000-08:00

i'm tired. it was a long and wonderful day. joy seeped out of me like a faucet that couldn't be turned off. the things that usually frustrated me with my children were still frustrating, but i didn't care, i loved them, and i sought compassion and gentleness with them.
my mind faltered a couple of times. the thing that i struggle with the most is the pattern of lies. how for my entire marriage i was with someone who was involved with other woman. and how for so long i didn't know. how does the person you trust the most in the world, who you believe could never hurt you, sleep with another woman and you never be the wiser? how could he do this over and over again, i just never knew? how did he have a girlfriend for 9 months and i didn't know. how could he take her to my disneyland? and what were these girls thinking when i would come into starbucks with our children?
foolish, i tend to feel foolish.
for about 1/2 a second- and then RELIEF! FREEDOM! the Lord lifted me out of the worst situation of my life and has given me more love and kindness than ever imaginable. The Lord used everything sam ever did to bring me closer to Him. and i don't have to go back. i never have to go back. all of the pain is worth it. all of it. because i am forever in a better place.
the Lord's got me. He's got me. He loves me.
and i am thankful.

86) i'm thankful for friendships that carry me through the day.

87) there's a window outside of wilder's bed, and you can see it from the staircase, when he wakes up you can see him standing in his crib peering out the window, when he catches your eyes he gets so very excited.

88) for a best friend that texts me throughout the day, always wanting to add cheer to my life.

89) for a mom, who tonight, sent me out for an hour so i could get a wonderful break from a full day with my children.

90) sitting in a crowded Christian coffee shop, and happily chatting with anyone and everyone. for so long i have felt like nothing, and now the Lord has lifted me into His arms, and i feel amazing. and i hope my light in the Lord shines out.

91) smiles directed my way. from anyone and everyone.

92) for the meditating on the Word of God and working harder to memorize more and more of it into my heart.

93) embroidery floss and a needle and thoughts and prayers that go into each stitch.

94) early morning workouts that energize me- and make me hungry.

95) indian food, and how much it makes me like to eat.

iron sharpens iron

2012-02-06T14:49:00.000-08:00

i am being ridiculously spoiled. the Lord is faithful to me in so many ways. His provision, His love, His protection, His gentleness. i am spoiled.
that alone is enough to suffice me. Grace is enough.
and yet, He uses others to bless me with kindness, love, joy, peace.
and little presents.

my dear from Piper from my college days has been faithfully praying and contacting me. she also sends me wonderful little gifts in the mail. the packages that have arrived bring my heart great joy. just little tiny things that remind me of how good He is to me, and the heart for Him that so many i love possess.

a beautiful mug, that holds coffee right now.

this journal is so exquisite, and in perfect timing, i have almost filled up my current one.

corn snacks, caramels, and a sweet note.

and a beautiful new necklace. i left most of my necklaces at what was my home, because i no longer wanted them, so i greatly appreciate new things to hang on my neck.

thank you my dear friend Piper. thank you for packages that bring joy to my day.

i would also like to mention my friend Emily, she sent me the book 1000 gifts. i have only just read a few pages, but i am too very thankful for the gifts my friends send me.
i thank the Lord for all of you.

when my mind briefly falters.

2012-02-06T08:58:00.000-08:00

i went to bed last night, late. i usually go to bed late. everything in my life has become such a complete shift for me. i used to get up super early, and now, its the night time that arouses me. i used to move mountains to work on my physical body, now i feel weary if i am not working on my spiritual body. i used to feel like fading back into a crowd, now i want to tap dance in front of a fireplace letting the love of Christ that is in me shine out for all to see. for Him, not for me. i am but nothing. it is He is me that makes me everything that i am.
i meditate a lot on the truth. my mind for the last 10 years has been victimized of doubts. certain things like, "well, sure lots of husbands fall asleep in their cars at 3 am and just don't come home..." when that happens like 4 times and you are trying to convince yourself you aren't crazy, well- it makes you crazy.
if i keep my mind centered on the truth of Christ, if i keep my life open and willing to serve and love, if my mind is meditating on the Lord, if i am walking with Him.
i find myself saying little things over and over again to myself:
God is Sovereign (this is huge, it means nothing is a whoops, it means God is in control) He's got me, Jesus loves me, Jesus died for me, The Lord will fight for me, i need only be still, Be still, be strong and very courageous.
and, i do a lot of picturing in my mind, i picture myself in heaven, praising Him in all His glory. i picture myself in a place where there is no pain, no heartache, just Him and glory.
i picture myself at the cross. i picture my Jesus dying for me- He who was perfect, i am who am perfectly flawed and fail in every way, someone else wants me to be perfect.
so last night, as i was falling asleep, and my mind is tired, and the little lies that the enemy tries to bait me with plop into my head, i felt tired.
and this morning, i am not.
bring it on.
the doubts and fear that cloud by mind creating lies are thing that cause me to doubt who the Lord is. so i can cling to truth.
the greatest gift i have ever been given: salvation.
EVERYTHING else that is in m life- gifts from the Lord! all the people, all the things, all the experiences (even something painful like the experience i have been dealing with) and when i let myself worry for even a split second, that well- what if i don't have certain gifts tomorrow? what if something is different than today? well, then i sin and take the glory away from the Lord- because he is the master gift giver and He takes joy in how happy what He gives me makes me. and i know that tomorrow when i wake up i will have at least- which is also the GREATEST (i wake up every morning with the GREATEST gift at my feet) the amazing gift of eternal life. every other gift if a bonus. i have already been given the best.
so i will enjoy every gift my Father gives me today, for every second. this is why He it upsets Him when we complain- LOOK at what He has given us.
i will enjoy what my Father gives me. i will treat my gifts well with respect and in a way that is pleasing to He who gives them.
and i will be thankful. so very thankful.

His love endures

2012-02-04T19:20:00.001-08:00

a couple of days ago i had spent the day reading psalm 107. and i stopped at the first verse, deciding to take a closer look.
Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good; his love endures forever.

the word endures is what stood out to me. in my simple mind i thought endures meant: last.
so i decided to look up a couple of translations of this verse, endures was the consistent word. in the ESV, they added steadfast. so i wrote in my journal:

Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good; his steadfast love enures forever.

and then i decided to look up what the word endures means:
to carry on through despite hardships, undergo, to bear with tolerance, to continue in existence, last, to suffer patiently without yielding.
so it means a little more than last.
and then i looked up steadfast.
steadfast: fixed or unchanging, steady, firmly loyal or constant, unswerving.
the Lord's love- His steadfast love is fixed and since we know that God is love (1 John 4:16) we can see He is firmly loyal, constant, unswerving.
And in all that steadfast love- His steadfast love it endures forever- it will carry on through despite hardships, it undergoes, it bears with tolerance, His steadfast love lasts, it will suffer patiently without yielding.
FOREVER.
Give thanks doesn't even seem like enough- when this is what we have from the Lord,
steadfast, unchanging love- that will suffer patiently without yielding. forever.

i will give thanks,

71) a wonderful message at church today, and again feeling welcomed by all who attend, i have found a church body, i am making friends, my children are secure.

72) continually being shown who Christ is in my life, that He is all that i need, that He's got me.

73) my mother, her generosity in giving up her usual routine and taking care of me is more than i could ever ask for.

74) my mother's cooking. its fairly amazing.

75) 5 special hours with my baby sister- i love this girl. and i cannot wait to meet the precious baby that is coming soon.

76) my dad who provides love and discipline for my 4 little ones.

77) listening to henry call my dad "happy" instead of "pappy".

78) mason renamed the song surely goodness and mercy to: the house of the Lord, love hearing sweet words come out of her mouth.

79) beads of color strung together that give my hands something to mess with.

80) a purple journal that is starting to contain words of a story.

81) my littlest brother eric, and the attention he gives my 4 babies.

82) my nightly glass of wine and the sweet taste it has when it hits my mouth.

83) a Bible reading plan that provides me with the truth of God's love, on the days when i truly need to hear it.

84) knowing, The Lord will fight for me, i only need to be still.

85) accepting God's Sovereignty with my arms open wide.

He shapes me in the process

2012-02-04T19:03:00.000-08:00

from the morning my eyes awoke this morning, i was shaped. i mentioned it early this morning that i was learning who is in control- uh, Jesus. My Sovereign King, not a riled up red head.
riled up for Jesus that is.
today, i knew i wanted to work towards being gentle- well, gentleness to be specific. a fruit of the spirit. Galatians 5:22-23 but the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.
well, the Lord provided, in His LOVING providence, many opportunities for gentleness. and today, i had many challenges that normally would have led me to despair or anger. ok, who are we kidding- anger is my fall back. and today i was seeking gentleness, today i wanted the love of Jesus to consume me, and that my spirit would be gentle, that i would be a reflection of gentleness.
being shaped into the woman the Lord wants me to be isn't easy. and you know what, it isn't pain free. it still hurts a little from time to time. and even when i felt things swirling around me i can stand firmly and say: i kept my eyes on the Lord. i kept reading my Bible, i went back over old verses, the living Word speaking to me over and over again. i listened and praised and worshiped. i encouraged others. i played with my children, i laughed with them and i laughed at them. i kept my eyes on the Lord. and the pain was still there, but SO were His promises.
finally at around 4 ish, i was pacing around my room saying this:
God is Sovereign, my God is Sovereign, He's got me. God is Sovereign, my God is Sovereign, He's got me.
i mean- come on- a sparrow doesn't fall from the sky that He doesn't know about. He's got me. He's got this. HE is in control. what on earth do i have to worry about? why would should i worry?
i shouldn't. He doesn't want it for me.
draw near to Him, and He will draw near to you- that's a promise. a promise i cling to.
He reigns over everything. my pain, my hurt, my love, my happiness, my desire to seek and serve Him with everything that i am and can be through Him.
today was this:
james 1:3-4 because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete not lacking anything.
He is shaping me. i want to be shaped for Him- i want to be usable for Him.
BRING IT ON.
that's my new motto.
what He is doing in me will make me stronger so that i can be used more for Him.
and i'll take it. i will humbly take it.
tonight, i reflected on the cross. what truly happened there. how much i don't deserve. i need to always bring it back to the cross- and what happened there. i have salvation, this is but a moment in my life, and i have eternity to spend worshiping my Lord. and what does He give me now? a relationship with Him, beautiful laughing children, a family that sacrifices for me, and faithful friends. such faithful friends.
how blessed am i? and, i still get yorks and wine :) ah. yorks and wine. but not as a combo, believe it or not, its not the best.

Isaiah 12: 2-3
Surely God is my salvation; I will trust and not be afraid, The Lord, the Lord is my strength and my song; he has become my salvation. With joy you will draw water from the wells of salvation.

"and the cry of my heart, is to bring YOU praise, from the inside out, oh my soul cries out"

i am a dork.

2012-02-04T10:18:00.000-08:00

maybe a dork for Jesus. i have such an incredible freedom that i am simply basking in. i know that i use the word "basking" in a lot. but i am. i feel like i could lay out in the grass letting the suns rays just beam down and heat my whole body. forever. and i will never get burned. i am in the light, and i am not leaving the light of the Lord.
and there is such freedom in loving and serving the Lord. there is such freedom in seeking Him with every breath that i take.
and even when i briefly stumble, i can reach out to Jesus, He is always there.
the Lord is teaching me control today. GOD is Sovereign. He is in control. that's it. no one else. no matter how hard i try to organize, situate, and move things along at my speed- HE is in control. and you know what? His timing as been absolutely spot on, so what on earth do i think that i can do- is my timing better than His? could someone please slap me quickly in the face?
thanks.
His Timing. He is Sovereign. He loves me. And i SURRENDER all to Him. i will follow Him, i will take comfort in He who created me.
and i will sing, i will worship, i will praise, i will read my Bible.
and you know what else, i'm going to quote my personal journal to the Lord this morning, i have been nestled up stairs in my room, praying, seeking, trusting (thanks to my dad downstairs managing my kids)

i cannot push this divorce faster down this path- i cannot, it is the LORD who has me now. He has me, He is protecting me, He is carrying my load- and You know what- now that He is carrying it, it frees me up to bring Glory to Him. to Love Him, to Trust Him- to be an obedient daughter, to glorify Him through being a mother, a friend, a sister, a daughter.
and to write. Lord i will write.
Lord be my constant comfort, I know that i can trust in You I know that I can rely on You alone for everything.

last night i was so overwhelmed by the Lord's thankfulness to me that i had to drive around. not because drive's give me solace, but because i needed the privacy of the dark, and being alone to privately worship the Lord. i might have pitch problems. or key problems. but in the dark of my van when only the Lord is hearing me, it doesn't matter. and it was wonderful. songs sung loud to my Savior. my heart worshiping Him, passion so strong for where He has me, and how He is constantly drawing me close.
i know it might seem odd, to be this happy, in my situation. i can only say this, that the love of Jesus doesn't leave you empty, that the Lord will take the most brokenhearted and restore them, love them, protect them, care for them, give them all that they need.
Jesus loves you, He died for you, He wants to carry the load for you.
i have been finding a lot of comfort in the book of 1 John, my favorite book of the Bible. followed next by Hebrews, than James. then Numbers. just kidding. Numbers is long. real long. and not exactly a baby naming book either.
several passages i've had underlined in my Bible:
1 John 1: 5-10
This is the message we have heard from him and declare to you; God is light in him there is no darkness at all. If we claim to have fellowship with him yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live by the truth. But if we walk in the light as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin. If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us, if we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. if we claim we have not sinned, we make him out to be a liar and his word has no place in our lives.
1 John 2: 3-7
We know that we have come to know him if we obey his commands. The man who says, "I know him," but does not do what he commands is a liar, and the truth is not in him. But if anyone obeys his word, God's love is truly made complete in him. This is how we know we are in him: Whoever claims to live in the him must walk as Jesus did.
1 John 2:17 the world and its desires pass away, but the man who does the will of God lives forever.
1 John 3:1-3
How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God. And that is what we are! The reason the world does not know us is that it did not know him. Dear friends, now we are children of God, and what we will be has not yet been made known. But we know that when he appears, we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is. Everyone who has this hope in him purifies himself, just as he is pure.
1 John 3: 16-20
This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers. If anyone has material possessions and sees his brother in need but has no pity on him, how can the love of God be in him? Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth. This then is how we know that we belong to the truth, and we set our hearts at rest in his presence whenever our hearts condemn us, For God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything.
1 John 4: 16-18
And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him. In this way, love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment, because in this world we are like him. There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives our fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.
and
1 John 5:1-5
Everyone who believes that Jesus is the Christ is born of God, and everyone who loves the father loves his child as well. This is how we know that we love the children of God; by loving God and carrying out his commands. This is love for God: to obey his commands. And his commands are not BURDENSOME. for everyone born of God overcomes the world. This is the victory that has overcome the world, even our faith. Who is it that overcomes the world? Only he who believes that Jesus is the Son of God.

when you seek Him, you will find Him. He will not hide from those who want to love Him.

this isn't normal

2012-02-03T11:19:00.000-08:00

how can i be this seriously happy?? i get on the phone with a stranger who doesn't me from adam, and when i answer "what does your husband do" and i'm like, oh has relationships with other women, i am NOT sad. i am sooooooooooooooo overjoyed by how the Lord has set me free. how He lifted me in His loving arms and took me out of the darkness.
the light is amazing. my arms are open wide, i am stretching them up to the Lord and i am praising HIS NAME.

He loves me.
i'm forever thankful.

61) the song Heaven by Live, its playing in my ears right now- uber loud. and i love it.

62) i'm thankful for the stolen moments my dad gives me so i can spend time with my Father. my parents constant help with my children is amazing. i am spoiled rotten, and finding myself growing closer to the Lord with every moment they give me alone.

62) still thankful for surely goodness and mercy.... as this song not plays loudly in my ears. i'm always happy to drive anywhere, the one place i can sing as loud as i want without anyone hearing it.

63) i'm thankful for no regrets.

64) i'm thankful for a kind, loving church body up here that is surrounding me from all ends.

65) i'm thankful that eternity isn't far from us, its soon. i can't wait to dance for my Savior.... and hopefully have rhythm.

66) i'm thankful that in heaven it won't matter if i have rhythm.

67) i'm loving peace that surpasses understanding.

68) i'm thankful for 4 resounding, "MAMA!" whenever i enter a room.

69) i pleased and humbled to be able to finally glorify the Lord with every thing i have.

70) i'm thankful for the sun that has filled the sky.

there is one happy red head up in here.

before the 2nd is over

2012-02-02T23:28:00.001-08:00

i am here. i don't necessarily feel the responsibility to blog every day, but i do have the urge.
just so everyone is caught up, i am doing really well. the Lord is amazing. He has lifted me out of the darkest place in my life. out of respect for my children, i have decided (basically in this moment) that i will cease talking about the way their father treated me. if anyone has true questions, they can talk directly to me- it should be no shock to anyone that i am not shy.
"what was he thinking messing with mary". that statement still cracks me up.
but i am stronger now. stronger in the Lord.
but there are things i still struggle in.
like being a mother. i did a lot of the day to day stuff alone. over the last year sam was gone a lot. new store, preoccupied with a girl-friend, and the desire to be climbing mountains, i was home a lot. so i am not sure why not that i am alone, raising my kids at my parents house am i struggling so badly.
well, i am reminded at what a shock this really is to me and my children. being out of our routine. i guess i just thought that since we visited my family before, that this wouldn't really be such an adjustment.
but it is.
and i was reminded, they are just children.
i guess, in my ever growing desire to seek the Lord i am very frustrated that i have not become a stellar mother over night.
they are just children. and it is very challenging to be a mother to 4 young ones, despite what i have been going through.
the hardest part for me is the constant demand for needs to be met. it is constant and never ending. and no one can really do anything for themselves.
and then i realized, Jesus meets ALL my needs. He hasn't let me sad or empty, He has filled me up. and you know what- when my children have constant needs, it is the perfect reminder of how my needs are met.
it was a very good reminder for me today. and i know that i have people praying for me and for patience for my kids, and today was a much better day.
and there will be hard days, but there will be far many better days.
and then- eternity. eternal paradise with the One who has given me everything.
i never truly understood keeping my eyes on Jesus, and eternity until now. and i really never want to stop.
i won't stop.
i may falter in my walk, but i will never again just stop.
because right now, He is my everything, what i need for every breath i take, my constant desire and need. and how, after living like this, and seeing how horrible life is with out Him, would i ever stop seeking Him?
that question doesn't need to be answered. i won't stop seeking Him.

fasting

2012-01-31T19:39:00.000-08:00

tuesday i fasted. i decided to fast on saturday. i had made some decisions for myself, and i felt confident in the Lord, but i wanted a day to totally focus on Him, which isn't always easy to do, so i thought if i fasted that would give an extra way to really generate my thoughts and prayers for Him.
it was awesome. truly joyful. just complete trust in Him. the Words of the Bible fed me, the counsel of others, the smiles of my children.
it was wonderful.
i am not sure it is normal for someone to be this happy in the Lord after something so terrible has happened. but i AM! He is a faithful God, a Sovereign God, and He is everything we need. and you know what- He provides, He is faithful, and when i find myself empty or tired or hungry, i can turn to Him.
its crazy just how joyful i felt during the fast. Closer to the Lord just through one little thing that i gave up. okay, so its a bigger thing, i do have a fond affection for food.
and donuts.
i might just fast donuts forever.
wait. no. don't hold me to that. donuts are good.
the fast. i am thankful for His loving kindness and His protection.
and i am thankful for where i am, through waiting- for food, for the next step, waiting on the Lord for whatever He may have, i have the opportunity to grow closer to Him, and let Him shape into the daughter of Christ that He wants me to be.
seriously?? how many people get such an awesome opportunity?
i am so thankful for the road i am on. the road that leads me closer to Jesus than i ever could have expected.
on a side note. i felt very pretty today.
and, i've now had two people who have talked to me say this, "what was he thinking messing with you?"...
well, you can't understand sin. so i'm not going to. i'm simply to spend my life loving the Lord, letting Him fill me up- because He seriously- SERIOUSLY- gives you everything you need.
its just weird.
and awesome.

owl city

2012-01-31T19:21:00.000-08:00

i talked about owl city in my last post. if you want to see a little music video for the song you can find it here.
i'm going to share the lyrics, i have found solace in this short (its very short) little song, as i think about my Lord and Savior, when i read them, and when i listen to it sung.
enjoy.

Meteor Shower

I can finally see that You're right there beside me
I am not my own, for I have been made new
Please don't let me go I desperately need You

I am not my own, for I have been made new
Please don't let me go I desperately need You

mas thankfulness.

2012-01-31T12:30:00.000-08:00

it's been a great morning so far. every time more pain has happened, i come out of it closer to the Lord- clinging very close to Him. Loving Him, Trusting Him.
i can't stop listening to surely, goodness and mercy. it is SUCH a promise. a promise that i need to constantly be remembering- forever and forever with the Lord.
i'm still loving my Bible reading plan. God's providence. be told about this reading plan, being fed the Word at just the right time. He is SO FAITHFUL.

51) watching little wilder chase after my brother's dog, he kept laughing so hard, each time campbell threw the stick for brusier, every one burst out laughing.

52) well, everyone but the little miss, she pouted outside the whole time, but i am thankful for her pouting, as it is a perfect picture to me of how i need to be content in all situations.

53) i'm again (and always) thankful for the Word of God, and how you can look it at one day and think- hey, where did that verse come from??? and be renewed.

54) i'm thankful for my mom, for being so self-less with her time, giving me ample time to seek the Lord without being interrupted.

55) i'm thankful for my sister's growing belly and the little beautiful baby that is coming very soon.

56) i'm thankful for owl city. and words that are sung for Jesus.

57) i'm thankful for a mirror of truth- i can't always read what my verses say, but i know that truth is right there.

58) i'm thankful that grace is all i need.

59) i am thankful for the Grace that has been given.

60) i'm thankful for the keys of my piano, and how i can find my Savior there, and how it subdues my children to hear me play.

ups and downs

2012-01-31T00:17:00.001-08:00

today was a harder day. the morning was awesome. just wonderful. i woke up revived in the love that God has for me. i felt thankful, and faithful to Him. i spent my morning writing down Bible verses and listening to worship music.
and then the attempt to rip me from my Father's arms happened.
i was told today that i need to tell my blog readers that Sam "is a committed husband who is fighting for his family, while i am not".
so consider yourself told.
he also told me that "if I (me) have forgiven him, I absolve my right to use his sin against him in a manipulative way, that Jesus forgives as far as the east is from the west, and that i cannot throw his old sin back in his face".
you can guess that it did feel awesome to hear all of that. and as i sit here trying to see my keyboard, squinting through contacts that are so blurry from hours (no exaggeration) of crying today- in fact crying in a coffee shop (no more starbucks for me) so much that someone approached me. when asked if i was ok, i simply said, 'i just really need to trust that Jesus has me' and the man said, "He is all you will ever need."
as i left the coffee shop i realized it was a Jesus lovin' coffee shop. i will be back. it was wonderful, pleasant, and a fairly good americano.
tonight i went to a support group, i don't really think it is a fit for me. i've found that talking to key people in my life offer me a lot of support. spending an hour sobbing on the phone with my dear friend Kecia, was more support than i can probably get in many places.
but as i was driving to support group i was singing just as loud as i could. surely, goodness, and mercy. its my current yelling out song. and the key isn't to high for my voice. and i sat in the van, texting a friend, saying that only in the dark, while i'm driving can i sing loud the songs that bring me close to Jesus.
then i walked into support group, and the worship band sang 3 songs that i have been listening to every night.
seriously.
Jesus is freaking amazing.
being able to praise and worship, loudly, was wonderful.
and then as i came home tonight, and read the Word of God outloud, tears falling down my face, I am reminded that His Grace is all that i need.
He's got me.
It's my new slogan.
if you are wondering what you can pray for me- here you go:
~ patience.
~ to be kind in my actions and words when i speak with Sam. he is very confused- thinking that forgiveness means restoration of our marriage. divorce is a sad thing, and God doesn't like it, in fact He only gives a reason for divorce in 2 areas- and you know what the Lord HATES adultery. HATES ADULTERY. i will stand before the Lord for my decision. with my arms open wide. i have the choice. and i am taking it. not to be mean. not to be cruel. not to get vindication. but because the Lord is there, able to take me in His arms, and insure that i will never be in darkness again, and that, He will love me endlessly, and never hurt me, never commit adultery to me, and will love me forever. i rest in Him. i trust in Him. i Love Him.
~ tomorrow i am purposely seeking the Lord- in everything i do. more so than i do on a normal day, but tomorrow is special. if you can pray that i seek the Lord with all my heart, all my soul, mind, everything.

i am doing good. as long as i keep my eyes on Jesus. the problem is i think i need to keep my hands over my ears and my eyes on Jesus. He lifts me up so high. He has carried me to safety.

this was my passage for today, i openly wept as i read it. and continued to weep as i continued to read it. i will mediate on it tonight, and tomorrow.
Psalm 6
O Lord, do not rebuke me in your anger or discipline me in your wrath. Be merciful to me, Lord, for I am faint; O Lord, heal me, for my bones are in agony. My soul is in anguish, How long, O Lord, how long? Turn, O Lord, and deliver me; save me because of your unfailing love. No one remembers you when he is dead. Who praises you from the grave? I am worn out from groaning; all night long I flood my bed with weeping and drench my couch with tears. My eyes grow weak with sorrow, they fail because of all my foes. Away from me, all you who do evil, for the Lord has heard my weeping. The Lord has heard my cry for mercy, the Lord accepts my prayer. All my enemies will be ashamed and dismayed; they will turn back in sudden disgrace.

oh, my evening was wonderful. just the middle part of my day was hard. but once i got my eyes back on the Lord, and back in my Father's arms, all was good.
He loves me.
He's got me.

mercy.

2012-01-30T09:04:00.000-08:00

the song of my heart this morning.

Surely Goodness And Mercy

You prepare a table before me
In the presence of my enemies
You anoint my head with oil
And my cup it overflows
With love, peace and joy
With love, peace and joy

Surely goodness and mercy
Will follow me

All the days of my life
All the days of my life
And I will dwell

In the house of the Lord
Forever, forever, forever
Amen
Forever, forever, forever
Amen

You prepare a table before me
In the presence of my enemies
You anoint my head with oil
And my cup it overflows
With love, peace and joy
With love, peace and joy

Surely goodness and mercy
Will follow me

All the days of my life
All the days of my life
And I will dwell
In the house of the Lord

Forever, forever, forever
Amen
Forever, forever, forever
Amen
Surely goodness and mercy

Will follow me
All the days of my life
All the days of my life
And I will dwell

In the house of the Lord
Forever, forever, forever
Amen
Forever, forever, forever
Amen

evening.

2012-01-29T21:23:00.000-08:00

listening to worship music and writing my heart out to my Savior. so glad i have such a strong liking of journals, because i am filling pages faster than i ever have before. and every now and then i decide to pop over here and type out what i am feeling.
it feels good to be lifted high in Jesus's arms, not gonna lie. in fact, its probably a good chance you won't ever hear me lie.
i have so much gratitude in knowing that i can trust in the Lord.
i guess that's all i really had to say tonight.
i'm really just enjoying basking in the light of truth. let me tell you- living in darkness, uh sucks. big time.
can i just say that the Lord is doing so much in my life that it is just wild? and any time that i start to slow down a little on my path with Him and look a little to the left or the right and get distracted, or concerned- i just remember- hey wait a sec, where is my gaze supposed to be? see that smiling Savior ahead of me who wants to grip my hand? that's where.
not that its easy. nothing is easy. but i can honestly say, that holding on to the love of Christ is what gets your through anything. pain is real. sorrow is real. hurt is real.
however, Christ's love seriously can and will overpower all of that. ALL of that. and all i really have to do is completely surrender all that i have to Him and ask Him to take it. and He will. He really will. and i am so thankful for that. because i am not worthy of any of what Christ is doing.
but He loves me.
and my heart. it dips and soars like being on a roller coaster.
how truly awesome is Our God?

mucho thankfulness.

2012-01-29T13:38:00.001-08:00

i barely made it to church on time this morning. and i am thankful that i did. i immediately went from church to my room, to my Bible (well the Bible app on my phone) to my worship, to the feet of my Jesus at the Cross.
and i wept and wept. for who He is, and for everything He has done for me. and as I sat sobbing, rocking, worshiping, i was reminded of who He is, and as i cling to the cross and His feet and just pour out my heart, i know how thankful i am.
from pour out my heart:
every cry You are listening, no matter the state my heart is in, You are faithful to answer, with Words that are true and a hope that is real, as i feel, Your touch, you bring You us freedom to all that's within, in the SAFETY OF THIS PLACE,
i'm longing to:
pour out my heart , and say that i am love you, pour out my heart, say that i need You, pour out my heart, say that I'm THANKFUL, pour out my heart, say that your wonderful.
oh Lord, you are wonderful. i am thankful.

Job 5:11,

the lowly He sets on high, and those who mourn are lifted to safety.

the first time ever in my 30 years of living did i read a verse that caused me to just weep. this is what He has done for me. 2 1/2 weeks ago, at the cross, with His blood, forever and ever.

37) i am thankful for a church where my hungry spirit is fed, and for the faithfulness and love of other believers.

38) i am thankful to my parents, for helping me with my children, and giving me the time to be fed and be found again in Christ. He never left me, and i will never leave Him again.

39) i am thankful for the song surely goodness and mercy: surely goodness and mercy will follow me, all the days of my life, all the days of my life, and i will dwell in the house of the Lord, forever, forever, forever Amen.

40) i am thankful that He has prepared a table before me in the presence of my enemies.

41) i am thankful for a 3 am chat with my best friend Serena.

42) i am thankful that i was LIFTED to safety, and that i was given protection, that the Lord grips my heart and through His loving kindness and through His WORD that is true today, yesterday and FOREVER that He provides me with the ability to find, seek and see truth.

43) i am thankful for 4 beautiful children that are my greatest blessing, my calling is to serve the Lord, and He has given me 4 beautiful children that every minute bring me to my knees reminding how desperately i NEED my Savior.

44) i am thankful for a son, who during worship this morning gently started rubbing my hair and my back. i am thankful for all the comforts my Lord gives me.

45) i am thankful that the Lord has provided another place for my children to learn more about Him- direction towards another AWANA program.

46) i am thankful for the cross, and that His death has bought the price for my soul, and that i get to spend all eternity dancing and singing (finally being able to do those things with perfect love and no worry of hitting the right notes) and praising my Lord.
so if you are looking for me in Eternity, i'll be in front row, praising my God.

47) i am thankful that i am no longer resentful, or bitter, or angry.

48) i am thankful that "because of the Lord's great love I am not consumed, for his compassions never fail."

49) i am thankful that i can fall at the feet of Jesus and that He picks me up and carries me.

50) i am thankful for a LOVE that never fails.

this is my story, this is my song.

2012-01-28T20:03:00.000-08:00

i branched out a little from my 3 songs on my drive this morning. and a huge thank you to everyone who is sending me music links, i haven't had a chance to go and click on everything yet. perhaps i will tonight. i am so grateful for all of you. every time i think and say that i think of Paul, and how often he said that. and i still want to fist bump that dude. eventually i will. sure hope there are name tags in heaven. it doesn't matter, i'll be fist bumping tons of people.
during my drive hillsong united sung to my soul. and revived my sleep deprived state.
i am super spoiled, i don't always have to wait long for the Lord.
example: monday night, "Lord, Sam is lying to me, i know it, i need you, reveal the truth"
tuesday night: truth revealed. thanks Jesus.
friday night: you never know, the Lord can use a song, His word, Biblical counsel- you might suddenly hear something and just know what you are to do.
saturday morning: done and done.

i'm soooooo spoiled. in ways i just can't even explain.

i want to share with you the song that really impacted my life today. its called Second Chance, by Hillsong United. i'm going to comment in italics beneath each line, to share how it resonated with me.

You called my name
Reached out Your hand
Restored my life
And I was redeemed
The moment You entered my life
redeemed... i reached out for the Lord when i needed truth about Sam, real truth. i Called out to Him and He heard me. I was redeemed in that moment. He entered my life again. He saved me from the darkness of sin.

Amazing grace
Christ gave that day
what amazing grace that Christ gave me that night.
My life was changed
um, yes, my life has forever changed. my love for my Savior is more important to me than anything. anything.
When from my shoulders
Fell the weight of my sin
oh the sin. the sin of not walking with the Lord. the sin of living in darkness. i have described the moment of finding the picture of Sam and C as Jesus washing relief over my body.

So it's with everything I am
i am nothing. i am unworthy of His great love.
I reach out for Your hand
i take His hand. i take it.
The hope for change
He has changed me.
The second chance I've gained
i have been given a second chance. a new day. a new life. a chance to turn my life to the Lord and serve Him- to be OUT of the darkness and basking in the light of my Savior.

On You I throw my life
it is your Lord.
Casting all my fears aside
you are Sovereign over everything.
How could greater love than this
Ever possibly exist
how is there greater love? i am seeing daily what you are doing in my life, how could anyone love me more than You? my greatest love will be You.

Consume my thoughts
As I rest in You
Lord, my thoughts are Yours. even when they linger away- i bring them right back to You- You are who i seek.
I'm now in love
With a Saviour
Bearing the marks of His love
oh Lord, my heart could burst or break with the love i have for You.

So I'll wait upon You now
oh Lord. how you teach me patience. how you teach me patience. i wait upon You. I wait.
With my hands released to You
Lord, my hands are Yours.
Where a little faith's enough
To see mountains lift and move
Lord, You are there, in everything.

And I'll wait upon You now
i'm waiting Lord. i'm waiting.
Dedicated to Your will
Lord, my life is Yours.
To this love that will remain
A love that never fails
Lord, Your love NEVER fails me. and it surprises me more and more everyday.

i have complete trust and faith in the Lord. He is Sovereign over all. His mighty Hand in my life, carrying me out of the darkness, lifting me into His light, protecting me, saving me, dying for me.
i am unworthy of the love He gives me.
so i will give all the glory to Him.

from my heart.

2012-01-28T19:17:00.000-08:00

oh my. my heart is absolutely desperate for the Lord. absolutely.
1 John 3:1 How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children on God! And that is what we are! The reason the world does not know us is that it did not know him.
LAVISHED. oh my goodness. that could be the word of the day. because that is just how i feel.
a Hillsong song says, "the cry of my heart is to know you more". i'm there. fully, completely, every single aspect of myself. to the point where i do feel like i could weep openly with my love for the Lord. because do you know what- He loves me SO much.
and He loves everyone like this. however, as i am drawing near to Him, He has not left me empty- He draws near to me. And there is constant dance going on inside my heart.
how can someone truly be this happy?
i have been staying up very late, and lately getting up very early. and i'm not tired. not in the traditional idea. He has totally revived my soul.
last night i was blessed-so blessed- to spend time with my dear friends matt and kris larson. matt and kris were at my side in 2010- the second time i had come to sam with 2 others from our church with suspicion. matt also came with me 3 weeks ago to confront sam about his affair with C. sam lied to our faces, and it was matt and kris's support in telling me that he thought sam was lying that helped me survive the days that followed.
but this isn't a post about that.
this is a post about feeling so blessed by the Lord. and realizing that i knew awhile ago what the Lord was doing.
so, yesterday i spent the day with my dear friend kris, we listened to a wonderful message, talked about the Lord, shopped, and processed the last few weeks of my life. we met with matt at 4 and had dinner, continuing to process the same.
this was my first real dinner out with friends as a third wheel. it was weird. but not really. i guess i realize now just how absent sam was from the normalcy of my life, that it wasn't like anything had changed. plus, the food was awesome, and my beer was nice.
and to be uplifted and supported by other believers is a truly wonderful thing.
it was bittersweet to say goodbye to my friends. i don't know when i will see them again, but i know i will hear from them, and i know they are praying.
i left portland at 5 in the morning, with a little more than 3 hours of sleep. and i spent 3 glorious hours driving and listening to worship music. thank you hillsong united. thank you darkness of the sky so no one could see just how loud and dorky i was singing. thank you iphone for not dialing anyone and not giving anyone a private concert to my worship.
having those 3 hours of time where i did NOTHING but pray to my Savior, and sing my heart out to Him.
it was wonderful.
my Jesus high has really only one drawback- i want to be in the WORD all the time. my four children have a few more needs that this calls for.
i was driving to meet my sweet friend Jill, i love this girl. LOVE this girl. she and her husband matt, and sam and i all lived in the same apartment complex when we were first married. she and matt are crushed by what sam did, they feel deceived, they feel bad they didn't see it.
its ok. he is a good liar.
jill and i processed together, as we got pedicures. spa pedicures. my first one. the gal doing jill's had gone through a similar situation as i had 10 years ago. it was quite therapeutic. it was quite amazing to sit and praise the Lord during the horrible situation and gain confidence in what i am going to do. the choice i am making.
also- pedicures ROCK. that was my first one ever. thank you Jill. my orange toes are happy. my spirit is relaxed. and then i got to spend the rest of morning/afternoon shopping with this sweet girl. and she and i haven't done that in nearly 8 years.
how AWESOME is God? to have friends waiting for me here? friends ready to reconnect and love and support me?
back to my drive. during those 3 hours of praise and worship and pouring out my heart to the Lord, i found peace in His truth.
and i remembered something.
several years ago death started surrounding me. a woman who was close to all of my friends (but not me) was tragically killed. a little after that another woman who was close to many of my friends died from cancer. and then my sweet brother-in-law died. and i had told a couple of people- i think the Lord is preparing me for death. i really believed that. and i was scared. i didn't know what was going to happen, but i thought, i have been around so much death that hasn't necessarily affected me in a rip my soul out kind of way. i felt it lingering, but i felt strong- because the Lord had put me in the lives of all these people who were suffering loss, and i could be there for them. i now realized that the Lord was using me.
and i now know that i was right- the Lord was preparing me. the unrest in my soul about death was the Lord slowly getting me ready-
for the death of my marriage.
and for a brief moment i thought it was going to take all of me with it.
and then- the Lord. there He was. there HE WAS. His arms out wide, and i picture myself racing towards Him and jumping into His magnificent loving arms, burying my head in His chest and then pulling back and laughing. He turned my wailing into dancing. He is ALL that i need.
but He is giving me even more. He is guiding me through this. He is providing me love, comfort, and truth. He is showing me more light than i could ever imagine.
And He has given me complete peace that washes over every aspect of my body, it swells in my heart and makes me draw closer to Him. i find myself praying and praising Him everywhere. i feel like my face could break sometimes when i smile. i want to talk about Him all the time.
and if i ever let myself slip away from Him again... well i CAN'T. He is my everything. He is my portion. His compassions are new every day. He LOVES me.
and i know who He is, and what He wants for me.
"and in this moment we have chosen praise, and its changing how we live now"
understatement of the year.
i am so ready for this year. bring it on LORD! you can have it all- my burdens, my worries, my anxiety- not carrying that anymore- You have it, i'm dwelling in your peace and love. "You've got this" that's my new catch phrase for 2012.
i started my 20's with Sam.
i starting my 30's with my Lord and Savior.
3 hours of praise and worship that gave me confidence and peace.
and this piece of scripture that solidified it:
Proverbs 4:25-27
Let your eyes look straight ahead,
fix your gaze directly before you.
Make level paths for your feet and take only ways that are firm,
Do not swerve to the right or the left,
keep your foot from evil.

thank you my Lord, thank you Savior, for peace. i trust You completely. with EVERYTHING. and You know everything.
you are Sovereign.

2 am

2012-01-27T01:54:00.000-08:00

it's 2 am, and i am still awake. floored. is that the right spelling of that? i don't care. its 2 am. and i am floored with love for my Savior. Oh, how He loves me. confusion does not come from the Lord. and every time confusion starts to dip its head into towards me i remember the solid truth that i stand on: what is truth and what is a lie. what can i trust and what has no weight anymore.
no one can tell me what to do. i can only seek the Lord's guidance and wisdom. i can only seek the Lord, desperately, desperately.
i am clay, and i will allow myself to be molded. and i know that he has a very specific design for me. i am offering suggestions to Him, and i know and trust that He is designing me absolutely perfect for Him.
oh my Lord, you know my heart right now. in this very moment, beating so wildly in my chest. oh,how He loves us blaring loudly in my ears, my focus on You and what You are doing. everything is in Your control, and i FEAR NOT.
i fear not Lord. but i cling to You, i trust You, You have my best interest in mind, You have the best for me, You have found a way to pull me closer to You than i could ever imagine, and Lord the ultimate lesson of patience i am being taught right now.
i am waiting Lord. i am waiting for Your guidance.
Lord- speak to me through Your word, Lord, grant me peace in my decisions. Lord, take me to the place You have for me, Lord use me to serve You and bring glory to You.
this is not about me any longer, this is about You. Lord my love for YOU burns so violently inside my chest that i almost feel in pain, and honestly the horrible memories that try and burst into my mind are so quickly extinguished because how can anything last in there when my fire for You is so strong.
my God, my Savior, my Father, You know the desires of my heart, You know my obedience to be faithful to You. Lord, i ask you to give me wisdom and guidance. Lord, lead me down the path You have for me.
Lord give me the strength to make the decisions that need to be made.
Lord, am i being drawn closer to You in such a powerful way to be sent back, or to be sent forward? Lord, i pray that You give me peace, that You please give me Your peace.
and Lord, where my heart continues to come back to is this: i can only trust in truth. and everything else is a lie.
Lord, in Your perfect timing you took me out of the most chaotic living disaster and You never let me hit rock bottom, You granted me peace and love and mercy and through Your amazing Sovereignty You are teaching more and more of the woman i need to be- for You, for my children.
You are using me.
Lord, i will faithfully serve You no matter what you ask of me, and You know what i want.
so Lord, guide me.
Psalm 2:11 serve the Lord with fear and rejoice with trembling.
Proverbs 16:3 Commit to the Lord whatever you do and your plans will succeed.
Proverbs 16: 9 In his heart the a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps.
Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Lamentations 3: 22-26
because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassion's never fail, They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, "the Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him." The Lord is good those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord.

oh Lord, my God, my Savior. find me in my deepest spot and tell me Your truth, close my ears to all the lies, and show me Your face. for when i seek You, i will find You, when i draw near to You, You will draw near to me.
My Lord. please. let me be but a humble servant who has obedience and trust in her Savior.

morning.

2012-01-26T07:52:00.000-08:00

i am thankful this morning. i am thankful for what God is doing in my life, i am thankful that will i draw near to Him, He draws near to me. i am thankful that when i keep my eyes and ears focused to Him how the chaos of lies goes away. because when i am listening to only Him- or those who only direct me towards Him- my whole life changes.
and i am just so psyched at how my life is going to be from this moment on.
fear not.
trust and obey.
be strong and courageous.

29) i am thankful for the Truth found in God's Word. and that when i have questions, i can turn to Him- i can draw near to Him through the loving Words of the Bible.

30) i am thankful for God's sovereignty. i am thankful that I am NOT in control. He's got a better way for this, than i ever could.

31) i am thankful that He never dropped me once during this, never.

32) the confidence and complete awe i have in the perfect timing that is the Lord's timing. everything- everything in my life led me right to where i am right now, for His Glory.

33) i am thankful for all the comfort the Lord is giving me, in every way He provides it.

34) i am thankful for coffee. which i need to go and get.

35) i am thankful for dear friends, for encouragement all the way from my dear friend Vera, in Florida.

36) i am thankful for four little people that want to give my hugs every couple of minutes.

off to find coffee, and to talk to 4 little people, and to be constantly seeking the Lord.

2 weeks.

2012-01-25T20:44:00.000-08:00

well, its been "officially" 2 weeks since my last was forever changed.
but i would say that today it really changed. today, in midst the pain of my heart, the struggles with questions that just keep popping into my mind (why didn't i press harder when i found that mixed cd C made for sam back in august? i mean, she put Dashboard Confessional's you have stolen my heart on it.... you don't do that for your boss.... stupid mary.... or did she think that sam and i weren't being intimate? did she think that he was all hers?) sorry. some of my questions are personal and revealing, but what's the point of hiding back the chaos of my brain?
so i struggled a bit today. but i also had a moment of strength- deleting sam's emails instead of reading them. all of sam's words right now been nothing more than complete trash to me, and listening or reading of his words just really make an already difficult situation more difficult.
that was my morning-to mid morning.
a friend in a similar situation listened to a sermon today, and encouraged me to do the same. i downloaded it onto my phone, grabbed my journal and Bible and headed off to starbucks. i had been warned that it was good.
i had no idea that it would profoundly change my life, my perspective, my thought process, and completely solidify my trust in the Lord.
i bet you want to listen. well, let me tell you this. its so incredibly powerful. i would recommend everyone that i know listen to it.
go to:
http://www.resolved.org/media/
and you want to click on this:
the Believer's Right Response to Difficulty by Rick Holland.
i will definitely be listening to again.
and now for myself, and for you- i'm going to share the notes i took while listening to it. there were a couple of times i laughed out loud getting a couple of stares from neighboring coffee drinkers.
and then, for the last 25 minutes of the 50 minute sermon i pretty much balled like a baby.
the sermon is on Lamentations 3.
i really hope you click on it and listen to it.
these are the key things i picked up:

~God is sovereign over people.
~ When sin is involved He uses it for His glory and for the benefit of those afflicted by their sinful choices.
~God is sovereign over every circumstance.
~Psalm 135:6 Whatever the Lord pleases He does.
~God’s in control of everything not a little, but a lot.
~God is serious about our response.
~Complaining is serious.
~Why do we have trouble trusting God? If He gets His will I am afraid I will not get mine.
~That’s why we complain- man’s dislike of God’s sovereignty arises from the suspicion of God’s heart. Am i suspicious of God’s heart?
~God’s sovereignty is either your greatest comfort or your biggest nightmare.
~Your peace of mind is dependent on your ability to take the thoughts of God, the thoughts of Jesus, the thoughts of the cross, the hub of heaven, and put those thoughts between you and what’s causing you anxiety- that’s the key to living a peaceful life.

i found oceans of peace in this. oceans of answers. the kick in the butt that i needed to completely focus my gaze to the Lord. i'm probably going to write all this out (well, its written in my journal, but it needs to be everywhere that i can see)
i have my greatest comfort in knowing that God is control. whatever that means for me: WHATEVER. and i will fully trust the Lord. I will no longer be afraid that if He gets His Will, that i won't get mine. because He has only the best in mind for me. i need to put all my thoughts and heart into the Lord.
i'm counting on God.
please let me know if you listen to the sermon.

Must stop sobbing in Starbucks or they might stop serving me

2012-01-25T16:05:00.000-08:00

I had thought to bring my computer with me, but seeing that I left for Starbucks to listen to a sermon on my phone before grocery shopping I didn't think I would be blogging.

Bazinga.

Here I am, unbelievably overwhelmed with emotion and able to sit on my phone, Desperation band blaring in my ears and feeling so completely humbled by God's sovereignty.

So insanely humbled by God's sovereignty.

I have so much swelling in my heart right now, as I feel the love of God totally wash over me (stop crying in Starbucks mary) and I have a lot I want to say about the sermon I just listened too- because I will be linking it later and sharing ALL of my notes on it.

But, since I no longer have Facebook (I actually almost just started it again but stopped myself- for me, Satan is like perched at Facebook just a waiting for me, so no thanks) I just HAD to jump on and say that I am just so completely blown away by God's sovereignty in my life right now and forever that I kind of just want to shout it from the rooftops.

Oh, How He loves me, and I have never felt it quite so profoundly.

"the miracle of Christ in me is the mystery that sets me free"

He loves us so much.

He knew and knows exactly what I need, exactly how I need to shown His grace and mercy and everything is working for His glory.

And if I could just say this: I totally understand Paul's gratitude for other believers (in the letters he writes) and if I could seriously fist bump that dude, I would.

Well, I will.

Sovereign God, you know my heart, you know my needs, you hold me in your hands.

And I am thankful for all you are giving me.

a little bit bummed with a headache.

2012-01-24T19:33:00.001-08:00

today hasn't been the best day, but let me tell you- it hasn't been the worst. i have definitely experienced some of the worst days of my life in the last 2 weeks.
2 weeks. well, technically 2 weeks at about 1 am.
2 weeks ago tonight i was desperately asking sam to quit his job, i was begging him to see his cell phone bill, i was asking him to cancel his phone, i was asking him if he was willing to do anything i needed for me to be able to trust him.
and he said no.
i had strong suspicions that he was having an affair with C from his store. and he was insisting on his innocence and telling me that the problems we had with trust were that i was obsessive about who he called and text and i didn't trust him.
things get more and more clear to me as the days go by.
i remember crying harder that night than i had ever cried (until that point) and i didn't even know the truth. but i felt so incredibly desperate. i felt trapped. stuck in a marriage with a man who i knew was lying to me (to the extent i wouldn't learn until later) and knowing that i couldn't leave and get a divorce without proof.
i was sobbing. sam thought that i was sobbing about him, and feeling bad about our relationship.
i was sobbing- desperate for the Lord, i was begging the Lord to help me. to rescue me. to show me the truth. to show me His face.
and about 4 hours later He did, in the most life altering way.
i am not sure how much detail i have gotten into. everything happened in the Lord's time.
the night before (monday) i had woken up at 3 am, and had snuck downstairs and gotten sam's phone. there was no evidence other than phone calls to C (which i knew weren't "proof" since they worked together) i had tried to get on his computer, but the battery was almost dead, so i left it alone.
had i kept digging in his backpack i would have found a framed picture of sam and his girlfriend (a present from her to him) but i didn't. and i keep wondering why.
if i had found a framed picture that night, i wouldn't have woken up tuesday morning and gone seeking for my dear friend Kecia. she had guided me through many problems i had had in the past, always providing me with the Word of God. not her opinion, not her thoughts, but just her love and her comfort and the Word.
i sent her a text (i hadn't spoken to her in 2 years) and she dropped everything, opened her home to me and my children and i spent 6 hours with her, in the Word.
without returning to that friendship i wouldn't be where i am right now. completely supported and uplifted in the Word, reminded constantly of the truth, and surrounded by such strong Biblical Counsel.
everything in the Lord's time.
because the Lord did reveal the darkness of sam's heart.
tuesday night/wednesday morning i awoke again, checked his phone- nothing. grabbed his computer, nothing in the history. and i closed it. and it was the Lord, the Lord's gentle but strong nudge to open that computer one more time and to look in the finder.
and what did i find. the truth. horrible, ugly, vivid truth that stared right back at me.
and the relief that fled through my body was unbelievable. because at that moment i knew the Lord had answered my prayers, had heard my desperate plea, my sobs, and had delivered me out of the darkness and into the light.
thinking back to that night makes me very sad. thinking about many things that involve sam right now make me very sad.
however, i have a lot to be thankful for.

17) plugging into a women's Bible study today, having the lesson today be on Proverbs 16, i just love sobbing like a baby in front of a group of women that i just don't know.
but when you read words like these:

Proverbs 16

¹ To man belong the plans of the heart,
but from the LORD comes the reply of the tongue.

² All a man’s ways seem innocent to him,
but motives are weighed by the LORD.

³ Commit to the LORD whatever you do,
and your plans will succeed.

⁴ The LORD works out everything for his own ends—
even the wicked for a day of disaster.

⁵ The LORD detests all the proud of heart.
Be sure of this: They will not go unpunished.

⁶ Through love and faithfulness sin is atoned for;
through the fear of the LORD a man avoids evil.

⁷ When a man’s ways are pleasing to the LORD,
he makes even his enemies live at peace with him.

⁸ Better a little with righteousness
than much gain with injustice.

⁹ In his heart a man plans his course,
but the LORD determines his steps.

and

¹⁷ The highway of the upright avoids evil;
he who guards his way guards his life.

¹⁸ Pride goes before destruction,
a haughty spirit before a fall.

¹⁹ Better to be lowly in spirit and among the oppressed
than to share plunder with the proud.

²⁰ Whoever gives heed to instruction prospers,
and blessed is he who trusts in the LORD.

²¹ The wise in heart are called discerning,
and pleasant words promote instruction.

and

³² Better a patient man than a warrior,
a man who controls his temper than one who takes a city.

its hard not not feel anything but encouraged, and loved, and reassured that you are right where the Lord wants you to be.

18) my family, everyone has pretty much dropped everything to support me and take care of my kids. and even now, when i am feeling a little better, they want me to be able to take care of myself. it is amazing to have such consistent help and support with my children as i find out where the Lord wants me. and what the Lord wants for me.

19) Confidence in the Word of God. it will never fail me. And its Words never change.

20) Pizza. and the slow return of my appetite. which also mean the quick return to exercise.

21) the massage i got from my good friend Cortney yesterday. 1 hour of relaxation.

22) Kristine and Adam Platner. Kristine is making sure that i am not isolated or alone. And Adam selflessly came to my aid tonight trying to fix the windshield wipers on my car.

23) my "family" out in Weimar. the support and love i am getting to do what is God's Will is just insane. to have people that i can completely trust, and who honestly want what the Lord has for me is so wonderful. i feel like i can slowly start thinking straight.

24) watching Wilder eat pizza. it was pretty funny.

25) late nights and great encouragement and support.

26) realizing that i probably have a very good chance of getting on the Amazing Race now... i mean, in all seriousness- can't you just see me at the mat with Phil discussing my "new life"? who's with me? seriously. i need a partner.

27) for children who always want to hug me.

28) complete and total trust in the Lord, and knowing that He holds me in His Hands and He loves me so very much, and will never leave or forsake me.

more to come.

noon

2012-01-24T12:33:00.001-08:00

i'm sorry for my absence over the past several hours. when i had gotten so familiar with my keyboard and sharing what God is doing.
i have commitments to do today, so i will be back, later.
but you can know this:
everything is in God's hands. Christ didn't shy away from anything that was before Him. He who created the world is holding me in His hands and all He wants is my eyes, my gaze, my trust, my love, and all He wants to give me is more love than I can imagine.

in the morning

2012-01-23T08:45:00.001-08:00

before i launched into my thoughts this morning- if you are following this little blog, i would suggest you always start from the last post you read and go forward- i have been posting a lot, however, i am not so foolish to think that if miss one post you will be lost.

i have a current "get psyched mix" of music that i listen too. its more of a get psyched for Jesus mix. its always having truth playing in my ears. and i am not embarrassed to admit that i am a huge dork, and that it is currently 3 songs that i listen to over and over again. and sometimes i watch the songs live on youtube because there is something so refreshing to my soul about seeing worship music performed live for the Lord, seeing that passion and thirst for the Lord, creates more of it in me.
my 3 songs:
desperation band's counting on God
desperation band's i'm coming Your way (listening to right now)
jesus culture's how He loves us (which, i am not connecting how that was part of my gift my handmade holiday party.... how God prepares the path for us)

i listen to these songs before i fall asleep at night, letting myself focus on the Lord, trying so desperately to keep captive my thoughts at night, when things much more unpleasant try and seep in.
i listen to these songs often before i let my feet hit the floor in the morning.
i listen to these songs when i blog, when i study scripture. and sometimes when i journal.
i listen to these songs after i think about or talk to sam.
and i don't think it is strange that i am continually playing 3 songs. i am not limiting myself. i think about how to write the Word of the Lord those passages had to be recited and recited, seriously written upon the hearts of man. NOT that these songs are the word of God... but they definitely speak the truths of who God is, and how much He loves us.

that is just a little look into what i do right now.

i am becoming more and more aware how present the Lord is in my life, and how much i now see Him in EVERYTHING. which is how it is supposed to be.
if you know me in my day to day life, you know that i have a baby. and if you know him you would know that if this boy sees me everything- and i mean EVERYTHING- else in the world fades away and he is instantly grabbing onto my legs, begging, screaming, desperate for me to hold him, to be safely in my arms.
and it is challenging, because he is very demanding and constant. i mean, if i leave the room he is so upset.
and last night it hit me straight to my heart- this is EXACTLY how the we are meant to be towards Jesus. Jesus wants us to come to him with the same passion that wilder has when he sees me. Jesus wants us clinging to His legs, desperate to be up in HIS arms. Jesus wants our world to not make sense if we are not looking at Him. Jesus wants our desire to be constantly with Him.
i am so blessed to be able to know see this practical example every single time i see my boy. my beautiful son who brings me joy.

if you know me in real life, you would know that i am a bit of a exercise video junkie. and i was very disciplined. shamefully more disciplined in my exercise than in my daily seeking of the Lord. and i can only ask the Lord for forgiveness and then turn from that idol and seek Him. not that i am going to give up exercise, but that my first thought when i get out of bed isn't- when will i exercise- my first thought is, how often can i seek the Lord. which, is VERY challenging- because i have 4 children, who need me. and my desire right now is very torn, because i honestly want to be in worship and in my Bible, and i have been giving myself a lot of time for that, and today, i am trying to balance more of that, with my children.
today, i did an exercise video. a short 20 minute one. one of my more "easy" ones. and, the lack of properly feeding my body for the last, wow, its almost been 13 days.... (well, honestly my suspicions for sam started 3 weeks ago today, and i was very sick, and didn't each much from that point on) and the lack of consistency in exercise left me gasping for air (or sucking wind as the workout girls say) and barely being able to make it through the exercises- which is very unlike where i was just a month ago.
and it made me think of my walk with the Lord. how i had let myself become so weak in it. how i didn't properly feed my walk with Lord, how i didn't stay strong in it, able to handle more difficult "moves" when they came my way. and how it is IMPERATIVE that we do not grow stagnant in our walk with HIM. how just as our body can become used to a specific exercise and it will no longer be effective, so will we be if we do not actively exercise and increase our walk in Him. and how weak we can immediately get when we walk away from our routine, our consistency in Him.
we need Him daily, we need Him more than daily. we need Him from moment to moment.
be blessed today my friends. seek the Lord in all that you do, if you haven't clung to Him the way a baby clings to his mama, then cling to Him right now, if you haven't been ready to fall on your face in exhaustion- fall on your face.
Love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your strength. Deuteronomy 6:5

my words.

2012-01-22T19:49:00.000-08:00

Christs Work. Christs Work. And His promises.
HIS love.
the precious gift of those 4 beautiful children.
Your weakness makes HIM stronger.
You will be mature and complete not lacking anything
you are serving the Lord through this terrible time by turning your eyes to Him
and showing glory to Him.
The pain is real.
HIS love is great enough.
HE won't give you more than you can handle.
He will carry you.
Breathe.
Big sigh.
Christ Works.
And know I am praying.

thankfulness.

2012-01-22T18:43:00.000-08:00

all through my (what word actually describes what is going on) ordeal friends have kept asking me about 1000 Gifts, if i have read it, etc. my best friend had lent me the book bttwr (before the truth was revealed) and i never had a change to read it. but one thing that i do understand is that she has you make a list of 1000 things you are thankful for.
so lets start that.

1) the pouring rain and howling wind that i am hearing outside my window pane. it reminds me how present God is, how even though He is not seen with our mere eyes, His awesome power is always available to be witnessed.

2) spending time hearing God's Word and letting it be convicting to me- not looking simply for the judgement of others.

3) video chatting with wonderful people.

4) laughing with my boys

5) talking with my dad

6) lunch with a wonderful God loving family: the Platners.

7) feeling excepted and welcomed in a new church body.

8) forever being reminded of God's promises and love.

9) having great friends make me laugh.

10) debating my future as a ninja.

11) watching Wilder mimic Henry and turn himself around and around in circles.

12) warmth and power.

13) freedom in knowing that God knows my hearts, my desires, and that I am seeking Him.

14) truly praying today for another, in a way I haven't prayed before.

15) Serena Longacre. i love this woman so very, very much. if you need an example, i'd read about David and Jonathan's love for each other.

16) watching Henry put a wooden watermelon on a plate for me, then after it touched the plate he would remove it and then bring me the empty plate that in his mind had watermelon on it since the watermelon had touched it. he did this over and over again.

i guess that is a good place to start.

postaholic

2012-01-22T17:23:00.000-08:00

i am quite aware that i am posting a lot. it helps. its like therapy. therapy that you share with anyone who wants to hear it. it feels good. to share what the Lord is doing in my life, in my heart. and i believe it is good to share my pain. and my experience. if hopefully through my story, my testimony, that this can be prevented for even one other marriage, then God has done something good.
i pretty quickly and drastically closed my facebook account a few days ago. i loved the support i was getting. loved it. but i was spending to much time looking at the faces of the women sam had sex with. too much time messaging anyone else that i thought he had sex with. messaging people for answers. drawing myself further and further into his horrible web of lies.
so i pulled the plug. i allowed Jesus to carry me out of that horrible place (it was a horrible place for me) and i am so happy to be free of it. the joy i received even after a day of not having to see things. unspeakable joy.
so no, i didn't unfriend you. i didn't have a nervous breakdown. i am choosing to share my story here, in a place that for awhile i was afraid to share with anyone who knew me.

just another rainy day

2012-01-22T15:54:00.000-08:00

i have a lot of thoughts in my mind right now. a lot. divorce. the prodigal son. my relationship with the Lord. what the Lord has for me. what the Lord has given me. who i am. and i plan on writing about many of those.
but today, the Lord gave me a very literal example.
i drove myself to church today, sat through a convicting message on the sins of both the brothers in the prodigal son. sat through baby dedication and watched the happy marriages. felt the Lord pull on my heart as i realized how much i need HIM. and how i can't expect every message i hear to make me feel more vengeance for sam, but instead show me my ultimate need for MY Savior.
and then i was blessed to be invited to lunch with kris and adam platner and their beautiful children. so i got in my van and followed them. and it started to rain. hard. not terribly hard, but it is washington. and my windshield wipers don't work. and as i drove in my van, not getting frustrated at my situation with the faulty wipers, but instead was praying, asking the Lord to make my wipers work. i kept praying that. and then i stopped.
because i realized i didn't need my wipers to work. i needed the Lord to get me to my destination safely. and that even though in my mind fixing my wipers or even asking the Lord to stop the rain would be the "best" way to eliminate my fear- just praying for Him who loves me to guide me and carry safely to my destination. and as i slowly followed adam as he led the way to the restaurant and we got on the freeway where cars went faster and my vision was more blurred, i realized that i could still see. it wasn't perfect by any means, and it wasn't the best- but you know what- i was safe, the Lord had His Hand on me, and i arrived where i needed to go. He gave me what i needed to make it to where i needed to go. and the funny thing was that i could see clearly out my back window. no rain, and the wipers worked there. i could clearly see where i had been. but i needed the Lord to continue to move forward to where He was taking me.
and, this is EXACTLY what HE is doing right now in my life. this is NOT how i want my life to be. i think that "fixing my wipers" or "stopping the rain" would be very simple solutions to my current problem. i mean, logically, it makes sense to me.
but- the Lord wants me to trust solely in Him, that even though the path ahead i cannot see (as i could barely see in front of me in the van) that if i kept my eyes focused on Him (like i had to stay focused on adam's car) that i WILL get to where i am going, and that HE will keep me safe, and HE will be by side. i will survive.
2 Corinthians 12:9-10 But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness," Therefore i will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest in me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
Exodus 14:14
The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.
Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight.

jumbled

2012-01-21T18:29:00.000-08:00

that is pretty much how my brain feels right now. jumbled.
last night i was not gently rebuked by a close friend of mine. being yelled out about forgiving sam less than 2 weeks after he broke my heart, our marriage, our life, and being told that if i don't forgive him i will go to hell. awesome.
but- what i do know as truth are 2 things.
1) my friend does care about me.
2) no one can truly understand how this feels UNLESS they are going through it, or have experienced it. but from the people i have talked to, i find the most comfort in those who are going through it, currently. misery loves company.
so. i found myself compelled to study forgiveness today.
Romans 12:17-21
do not repay anyone evil for evil. be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. if it is possible, as far as it depends of you, live at peace with everyone. do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written, "it is mine to avenge; i will repay," says the Lord.
~~ okay i have to interrupt Romans here and side note to
1 thessalonians 4:3-8 it is God's will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid SEXUAL IMMORALITY (come on sam did you freaking never open your bible?); that each of you should learn to CONTROL his own body in a way that is holy and honorable. not in passionate lust like the heathen, who do not know God (and sam claims to know God) and that in this matter no one should wrong his brother or take advantage of him. the Lord will PUNISH men for all such sins (can i get a woo-hoo!sorry i get kind of mad with injustice), as we have already told you and warned you. For God did not call us to be impure, but to live a holy life. Therefore, he who REJECTS this instruction does not REJECT man but God, who gives you his Holy Spirit.
i also want interject here- that my confidence in Sam's relationship with the Holy Spirit is pretty wobbly.
and- when it talks above about controlling his own body- remember what it says in 1 Corinthians 7: 3-5 The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife (NOT TO RANDOM STARBUCKS SKANKS) and likewise the wife to her husband (fyi, i didn't fulfill my marital duty to anyone else) The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the SAME WAY, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourself to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
COME ON.
before i go back to Romans, i want to say this- i never deprived Sam. but on the contrary, i was constantly deprived. and that kind of sucks. especially when i learn later that he was giving his body to others.
ok, i will try and not be so hostile in the rest of this post. i got a little off tangent.
Romans 12-20-21 On the contrary; if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. in doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.
do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.
okay, so i do need to reign in the anger a bit. because there have been moments of pure rage that i could have killed. seriously. sleep deprivation and anger. not a good combination.
more verses on forgiveness:
2 Chronicles 7:14 says that God will forgive, if you humble yourself, pray, seek His face, and turn from your wicked ways.
Ephesians 4:32 Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.
and then the meat of forgiveness- what my friend was alluding to-
Matthew 6:14-15 For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.
and in 1 John 2-6: He is the atoning sacrifice for our sins, and not only for ours but also for the sins of the whole world. We know that we have come to know him if we obey his commands (this can apply to both me and sam- sam shouldn't have had sex with other woman, i have to obey the command of forgiveness), the man who says, "I know him," but does not do what he commands is a liar, and the truth is not in him. But if anyone obeys his word, God's love is truly made complete in him. This is how we know we are in him: whoever claims to live in him must walk as Jesus did.
obeying His commands. so what does this mean?
i am called to forgive- forgiveness does not erase the memories in my mind or the pain in my heart. forgiveness does not mean reconciliation. Adultery. the just-cause for divorce. right?
what is the will of God? the question me and my friend talk about all the time. is divorce the will of God (i know that i am jumping from forgiveness to divorce- you are reading by choice)? i know it is allowed by God, and that i have a choice.
this isn't a 'we don't get along' or 'we aren't in love', this is the most despicable betrayal imaginable. and as it says in Proverbs 7:
with persuasive words she led him astray; she seduced him with her smooth talk. all at once he followed her like an ox going to the slaughter, like a deer stepping into a noose till an arrow pierces his liver, like a bird darting into a snare, little knowing it will COST HIM HIS LIFE. Now then, my sons, listen to me; pay attention to what i say, do not let your heart turn to her ways or stray into her paths. many are the victims she has brought down; her slain are a might throng. her house is a highway to the GRAVE, leading down to the chambers of death.
if i had a nickel for every time i directed sam to the proverbs in regard to starbucks woman... well, i'd be a wealthy woman. his ears were so closed to any truth.
i believe my marriage is dead. for me, my marriage that was: died. instant, horrific, painful death.
Forgiveness is not a release of emotions.
the stages of grief are still there. yes, i can forgive the person who murdered my marriage, however, my pain does not go away. the stages of grief are real. my anger is righteous: my footnote in my Bible for john 2:15-16 says, "it is right to be angry about injustice and sin" and wowza, this is injustice and sin big time.
however, some of my anger has been repaying evil for evil, and that is wrong.
but, there is a reason to be angry- this is the ultimate betrayal. sam's body belonged to me. we shared a covenant. and not only did he break that covennt with not so much as a second thought- because God gave him EVERY OPPORTUNITY to not sin- he still did. and he didn't even consider my safety. he didn't care or respect me. i have a reason to be angry.
but no, i don't have a reason to not forgive.
so i have to forgive. i "get" to forgive. big sigh. biiiiiiiig sigh.
so. divorce. i spent some serious time in the word about this too. because it is ALL i think about.
because to put it bluntly, i do NOT want this man.
sam has been trying to quote Malachi 2:16 at me: "i hate divorce" says the Lord God of Israel.
sure, sam, sure. now you want to quote the Bible? where was all of that when sexual immorality was being read?? huh?
so, i read a little deeper into Malachi. again- not a theologian.
God's hate for divorce in Malachi 2:16 has to be looked at also in the above verses- 13-16
Another thing you do: you flood the Lord's altar with tears. You weep and wail because he no longer pays attention to your offerings or accepts them with pleasure from your hands. You ask, "Why?" It is because the Lord is acting as the witness between you and the wife of your youth, because you have BROKEN faith with her, though she is YOUR partner, the wife of your marriage covenant. Has not the Lord made them one? In flesh and spirit they are his. And why one? Because he was seeking godly offspring. So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith with the wife of your youth. "I hate divorce" says the Lord God of Israel, "and I hate a man's covering himself with violence as well as with his garment," says the Lord Almighty. So guard yourself in your spirit, and do break faith.
God is discussing how you have broken faith with the wife of your youth- the wife of your marriage covenant. He was offering this as a WARNING. "I hate divorce" (which is what often happens after adultery) so remain faithful, guard yourself in spirit and DO not break faith. You cannot use this now as an argument to keep me trapped in a marriage- not when the Lord was using this as a warning- it is BECAUSE the Lord hates divorce that He instructs us to remain faithful to our marriage covenant! Sexual immorality. a truly horrific unreal pain.
now. it would terribly one-sided of me to stop my post here.
because i did study what Jesus has to say about divorce. yes, you can get divorce when there is adultery. it is permitted. and then i read my stupid footnotes. and in the footnotes it says that if their is true repentance, that i am supposed to make every effort to forgive, reconcile, and restore the relationship, because ultimately that is what God wants.
i do not want to have to think about restoration. that makes me completely sick and disgusted. i don't want to have to imagine being forced into remaining married to a man who could be such a terrific liar and manipulator. i can't even fathom ever sharing intimacy with him and all of this honestly leaves me at such a horrendous crossroads in my heart. because i feel like their are only two ways for me to get what i want (divorce from sam)
1) that my heart remains hard.
2) that sam never becomes truly repentant, never chooses his savior, never seeks the Lord, and winds up in the pit of hell.
neither of these options appeal to me.
i am going to interject right now and say: it SUCKS to be me. is my life now meant to watch every move Sam makes searching for true repentance? will i make myself crazy?
or do i turn my eyes to the Lord, and let God handle this situation?
duh. i "know" what i am supposed to do. but fist can i whine and complain like a child?
i DON'T WANT TO! i don't want to give that man the satisfaction of thinking he can cheat, lie, and betray and have me back? no way! i don't want to be with a man who had sex with other woman, who without a second thought lies and steals and brings trash into my bed.
i don't want to.
i kind of sound like jonah. and i really don't want to end up in the belly of a whale.
what does God want? i can honestly say without a shadow of a doubt, that God wants to heal marriage. that the Lord's ultimate will is for marriage to be a sacred covenant.
HUGE SIGH.
i listened to a sermon on sexual immorality today because APPARENTLY i am a glutton for punishment. these are my random notes from it, from 1 Thessalonians 4, and from the teaching of Allan Olender:
God's will= our sanctification, the way of living that means being set apart. it's about my heart. if i get my heart right everything else will be right. am i willing to do whatever God's will is?
Augustine said= love God with all your heart, do whatever you want. God's will is not complicated: justification than sanctification, becoming more and more like Jesus Christ.
so. huge sigh again. i sigh a lot.
all of this to say, "i'm out" and i'm tapping Jesus in to my place (can't you see Him just standing at the sidelines, all stretched, padded up and ready to go?) clearly this needs to be man on man coverage, and i am not the "man" for the job.
Trust in the Lord, and lean not on your own understanding. because i don't understand this and i do not know what God is going to do. but i'm putting it in His hands and i am going to draw near to the Lord.
and thoroughly study repentance.
like a ninja.

***Edited***
after talking my dear friend we talked about "reconciliation" and my internal conflict. and she reminded me that i over and over tried to reconcile with sam, and he NEVER would confess his sins.
- i came to him when he was texting and calling a girl from a starbucks for 2 1/2 years. no true repentance.
- i came to him with others from the church when he was texting another girl from starbucks for a year, including exchanging 4000 texts in one month and telling the girl he loved her.
- i came to him when i found pornography, and he never stopped finding it.
- and finally, i came to him when i thought he was having an affair with the girl from his store, i came to him with another believer. and still, he lied to my face.
so. do i have justification- why do i have to stay around NOW? after i gave him countless attempts, after i begged him for restoration in our marriage.
thoughts?

what i am listening to.

2012-01-21T12:21:00.000-08:00

please, please, please- everyone that i know- please listen to this.
it's to late for my situation, i mean- way to late. sam could have listened to this many many years ago, like 10, before we were even married. it doesn't matter for us now. because the damage has been done.
i will blog more about us. but listen to this. with your spouse. with your friends. with your study.

go to this site:
http://www.fcfmv.org/site/audiodownloads.asp?sec_id=1120&nc=1327174579715.55

and its the 1/15 sermon- God's Will is Easy to Know.
Please. listen to it.
And know that i am.
with not just regret, but with hope for my own future.

so many thoughts.

2012-01-21T10:30:00.001-08:00

last night before i went to bed power was returned. of course, this was only the superficial power that provides the wonderful luxuries of life that i had so grown dependent on: my fan, my lights, being able to plug in all of my crazy devices.... turning a light on when i use the bathroom.
so dependent on power. and yet, here i am so powerless.
i am desperately trying to control everything. i am quite foolish. its like i am trying to trap water and using a colander to do it: that doesn't work.
i can not remember where this image comes to mind, but i see this woman being restrained by someone as she frantically tries to break free to tackle someone else. i know its a comedy, and when you watch it you are supposed to laugh at how crazy this women is-
and that is how i feel. with my anger. and it SUCKS.
this morning i woke up and thoughts were racing through my head.
~oh no, that horrible smell is ME. (i can't remember when i showered last)
and, my mind was latched onto Sam and girl that he was involved with for 9 months. i kept thinking about their relationship, all that he bought for her (using our money to buy her Levi's car.... can someone please get me that money back???) all the places he took her, how he cared about her, all of the adultery.
and then thinking about all the things i wished i had done differently. if i had INSISTED he not go on his 3 day "hiking" trip he wouldn't have taken her to disneyland, and seriously broken my heart with that.
but. 1 Corinthians 4:5
therefore judge nothing before the appointed time; wait till the Lord comes. He will bring to light what is hidden in darkness and will expose the motives of men's hearts.
THAT is what i must cling to.
it is what i should write on my hand for the day, and post everywhere i can see it (and thanks to a wonderful stocking from my bff i have the cutest sticky notes ever)
this all laid out the way the Lord had intended it.
i mean, Sam had a choice. CLEARLY. and he chose a path that leads to death. and he chose it over and over again. he chose to go off the path of the Lord. but in the end- our Lord does everything He can to get us back to Him, where He wants us.
my friend has told me that i am on the path to forgiveness. another friend seriously rebuked me for not forgiving Sam and that i will be going to hell if i don't forgive him.
i was reminded that the Lord knows my heart. and honestly if i were to forgive Sam today, i would be coming back to the Lord every 5 seconds for forgiveness for anger and hate and bitterness.
i think today i will spend some time studying forgiveness. because i know the Lord knows my heart. and i am in a time of total grief right now. and the stages of grief are all over the place. and the final stage: acceptance- perhaps we can call that forgiveness.
but back to this morning- as i sat cringing in the smell that is myself, thinking about the horrible wrongs done to me, and continuing to ask myself WHY? and mind you- i never really ask Why did God do this to me- because i know that answer. But i keep asking myself, why and how Sam could keep lying to me over and over again.
and this is what washes over me: because its sin. sin that was so deep and so deadly and so purely evil and ugly that there was no sense in it, not conviction, no remorse, no light, no nothing.
and it doesn't matter why or how- because it was just sin.
things that are really troubling to me right now (also known as things you can pray for me about)
~ i am really mad that Sam has suddenly found the road to righteousness and wants to serve our Lord and be saved.
i know, i know, i probably sound like a crazy person for saying that- but honestly, i feel very much like a crazy person.
but REALLY? after 10 years- you NOW, when our lives are torn apart, when we have lost everything, when you have spit on our love and our marriage- NOW you want to be right with the Lord???
1 Corinthians 4:5.
~ i am really mad that no one has kicked the crap out of Sam. come on people. PLEASE. my one request.
~ i continue to struggle with not making it my personal job to bring Sam as much pain as humanely possible.
~ i struggle with remaining still and waiting.

right now, i can only cling to the truths that i know.
that God knows my heart, that God wants me close to Him, that He wants to bear my burdens. That He loves me, and He will not leave me alone in this situation.
okay. more to come throughout the day. processing, processing, processing.
i need to eat, haven't done that yet today. i need to read my Bible.
and i REALLY need to not smell like this..

2012-01-20T20:40:00.000-08:00

It is moment to moment crazy around in my brain. And even though I know more truths of what I need to do, my heart is so horridly broken that the grief is making me go crazy.

Highlights of the day

- calling Sam a really bad word, over the phone, in a Starbucks, causing everyone to turn and look at me.

- yelling at a friend, who was trying to speak truth. Did I mention she's pregnant. I was wrong, but I'm sorry, being lectured on forgiveness right now? Really? Not what I want to hear. It may be what I need to hear- but there is a time. And right now I am terribly broken.

- self inflecting pain on myself- i really don't need to see all the Facebook pages of the conquests of Sam, and yet i do.

- crying and crying and crying.

- asking for divorce over and over again.

- refusing to be still and wait on the Lord

- refusing to detach myself from Sam.

- feeling so stinking crazy that I would love to swan dive off of a very tall building.

-feeling so engulfed by pain that I cannot bring myself to Jesus.

- feeling so angry I do believe I could commit murder

Smart choices I made today?

- I ate.

- I deactivated my facebook page. It's making me crazy. I know i have a lot of friends, but the sin of the world is on Facebook, and it's difficult to see one without the other. At least for me right now.

Things that made me happy.

- wilder's excessive cuddling, there is someone who truly loves me.

- encouraging a friend. Although I need to listen to the words i am saying.

Tomorrow:

I am hopeful for the return of power.

I am hopeful my head will stop pounding.

I am hopeful I will make better choices to deal with my pain.

I am hopeful to spend more time with my kids. It's hard to be around them.

I am hopeful I can not contact Sam.

That is pretty much all i have- right now.

Some minutes are better than others.

So hours are long and horrid.

I am desperate for peace.

I am so very desperate to not feel this way.

Thoughts from the darkness

2012-01-20T13:05:00.000-08:00

I think I felt more sad yesterday then I needed to. More angry. If I could picture myself shedding these items,standing in front of Jesus my Savior, and removing each item that is seriously weighing myself down. And remove them all, till I stand naked and with nothing in front of my Jesus and let Him who died for me wrap His arms around me, filling me with Everything! Why oh why do I keep trying to bring these questions to Sam? He didn't die for me, he didn't love me the way Christ loves the church- he betrayed me and Our Savior.

So why when I am broken and abused do I try and hand my problems to not only the one who can do NOTHING for me?

Jesus, just Jesus, the Wonderful Counselor, who humbled Himself to be a man, and took all my sin and all my pain, so that I might be able to be strong in Him.

Jesus, I stand before you and I hand you all my pain, please oh Lord, take my pain and bring me into your arms. I know I want all the answers and I know that I want to know my plan and future right now, but you are working here, making me complete, mature, not lacking anything.

And God, my God, how much more forceful can you be? You take me by my shoulders and you set me down. You take away light so that I can see through the darkness to You and only You. You have a plan for me. And even if now as I let myself hope for something more, I know that I can rest all of my hope only in You. In Your Love. In singing and dancing, in eternity, and when I do turn my focus soley to You, right now, it is All that I want to do. And I know what bogged me down again yesterday, I want to CONTROL this situation yet again, I want the truth, and I am fighting for it madly like a raving lunatic having to be restrained.

And why? Why am I truly fighting so hard? You are standing right beside me waiting patiently for me to turn to you and say, " Oh Jesus, can you please take care of this?" and not only will you take on my burden, but You want me to rest and be refreshed in Your awesome presence.

So my Jesus,forgive me for yesterday, even after hearing Your promises at 1 am just 2 days ago, even after hearing the cry of my heart and having fellowship with You, I awoke and faltered. You were ready for this, with Your Hand reached out and ready to lead me down the path and what did I do? I asked You to hold on so that I-I- could take care of a few things first.

What a foolish woman I am, Your hand is in this, I cannot control or take on this battle, not when You are asking me to let You fight for me.

And I don't stand idly by, I am standing prepared, cloacked in the awesome armor of my Lord, the same God that shut the lions mouth for Daniel, the same God that comforted David, the same God that fought for Israel. He wants to do that for me. And He will never lie to me!!! He will NEVER le to me!! And He loves me, and He will guide me through this.

And as I sit in my candlelit room, furiously scribbling notes from my heart down for YOU, I have to remember just how thankful I need to be.

Am I out in the cold? No- You have provided shelter for me.

Are my children starving? No Lord, You are providing for them.

Am I alone? No Lord, You are with me and even if that was all, it isn't. You have given me Godly friends who love me and uplift me more and more everyday.

And in the midst of all my turmoil, I know you are using me for Your Glory, not only are You pulling me closer to You, but You are using me for Your Glory.

in which i go searching for serious truth; alternatively titled: someone should tell my husband to subscribe to my blog.

2012-01-18T20:47:00.000-08:00

i am starting to feel a headache coming on. perhaps it is the serious lack in calories in a week. or maybe it was doing yoga with a serious lack of calories. or maybe its the earphones in my ears with my music cranked probably to loud. either way, i will not be kept silent. or my fingers won't be still.
fyi- i am not a theologian. wipe that shocked expression off your face, because it is true. yes, yes, i attended a christian college, and i did take Hebrew, but no, not a theologian. just a struggling sinner like everyone else, desperately searching God's Word now that i have nothing to do, but desperately search and cling for Him. and in doing so, i am finding that i really wish i had never once let my eyes falter from His face. this post is going to be crazy long, and go all over the post. so if you want the cliff notes here you go: my husband is a fool. a sinning fool.
ok, read on if you want.

1 Peter 4: 17-18 For it is time for judgment to begin with the family of God; and if it begins with us, what will the outcome be for those who do not obey the gospel of God, And, "if it is hard for the righteous to be saved, what will become of the ungodly and the sinner".
basically, i am really grasping for truth right now. and let me stop anyone who wants to tell me God is speaking to them. i've talked to God, He's going show me His voice. everyone else can hand me His voice through His Word. thank you.
so- grasping for truth. 1 Peter 4:17-18- can Sam be redeemed? i mean, he claimed to all of us that he was a believer of Christ, that Christ lived in Him, but he did not obey the gospel of God.
so what is his outcome?
i know, i am super premature in wondering all of these things- but these are the thoughts of my heart (and you are reading by choice).
the scriptural truth that leaves my brain a pondering:
(second fyi- i am going to be referencing the little notes in my life application bible, Jesus- i am not plagiarizing.)
1 John 3: 1-10
How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! The reason the world does not know us is that it did not know him. Dear friends, now we are children of God and what we will be has not yet been made known (that's the truth!) But we know that when he appears, we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is. Everyone who has this hope in him purifies himself, just as he is pure. Everyone who sins breaks the law (that's applicable to all of us) in fact, sin is lawlessness. But you know that he appeared so that he might take away our sins (if Starbucks people are reading- he is Jesus) And in him is no sin. No one who lives in him keeps on sinning. No one who continues to sin has either seen him or known him.
**ok- yikes. Sam claimed to live in Him. but he continued to sin. and i mean-- continued. i had no idea. there was no guilt, no remorse, nothing. and that's scary for me to admit. for at least 4 years (God only knows) i had no idea the truths of the man that i shared my life with.
so how did he continue to sin? and what does this mean?
back to the verse- 7- Dear children, do not let anyone lead you astray, He who does what is right is righteous, just as he is righteous. He who does what is sinful is of the devil because the devil has been sinning from the beginning.
**double yikes.
The reason the Son of God appeared was to destroy the devil's work. No one who is born of God will continue to sin, because God's seed remains in him; he cannot go on sinning, because, he has been born of God. This is how we know who the children of God are and who the children of the devil are; Anyone who does NOT do what is right is not a child of God; nor is anyone who does not love his brother.
from the notes:
there is a difference between committing a sin and continuing to sin. Even the most faithful believers sometimes commit sins, but they not cherish a particular sin and choose to commit it. A believer who commits sin repents, confesses, and finds forgiveness. A person who continues to sin, by contrast, is not sorry for what he or she is doing. Thus this person never confesses and never receives forgiveness. Such a person in in opposition to God, no matter what religious claims he or she makes.
"no one who is born of God will continue to sin" means that true believers do not make a practice of sinning, nor do they become indifferent to God's moral law. All believers still sin, but they are working to gain victory over sin. "God's seed remains in him" means that true believers do not make a practice of sinning because God's new life has been born into them.

okay that is a LOT to process. especially for this broken woman who is desperately searching for answers.
Sam definitely continued to sin. with zero remorse. he just kept doing it and NEVER did anything to stop it. nothing. not switch jobs, not get an accountability partner, not.. um... tell me.
and, i am struggling with his "repentance" mainly because he was caught. he didn't come to me and confess his sins. he didn't even come to God and confess his sins. true believers DO NOT make a practice of sinning. nor do they become indifferent to God's moral law.
Sam was practicing sin. Sam was indifferent to God's moral law.
is he not a true believer?
and if so, is he not capable of redemption?
i want to interject here- i am super hoping that he is. i'm just saying what i have been reading- the truth from the Bible. this is not a witch hunt of verses against him. this is a desperate searching for the truth- and there is only one place i can go.
1 Corinthians 4: 5
Therefore judge nothing before the appointed time; wait till the Lord comes. He will bring to LIGHT what is hidden in darkness and will expose the motives of men's hearts.
ok, so if that isn't the verse of MY LIFE. i have been super struggling with the timeline of events. WHY did i not see more? How could i have been so blind? Why didn't i do this?
nothing before the appointed time. wait till the Lord comes. this all came about EXACTLY how the Lord intended it to. THAT alone should help me sleep well at night. this was all how the Lord intended it. He brought to light what was hidden in the darkness, and exposed the motives of my husband's heart.
Romans 8:5-8 Those who live according to the sinful nature have their minds set on what that nature desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires. The mind of the sinful man is death, but the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace; the sinful mind is hostile to God, It does not submit to God's law, nor can it do so. Those controlled by the sinful nature cannot please God.
Sam had a pure sinful nature. i think i can state that confidently- he had his mind on what nature desired.
Romans: 1: 28-32 Furthermore, since they did not think it worthwhile to retain the knowledge of God, he gave them over to a depraved mind, to do what is ought not to be done, They have become filled with every kind of wickedness, evil, greed, and depravity. They are full of envy, murder, strife, deceit and malice. They are gossips, slanderers, God-haters, insolent, arrogant and boastful; they invent ways of doing evil; they disobey their parents; they are senseless, faithless, heartless, ruthless. Although they KNOW God's righteous decree that those who do such things deserve death, they not only continue to do these very things but also approve of those who practice them.
hmmm.
i feel like i am a little at a loss. for one reason- when i search the Bible for truth, i find people who came and confessed. and yeah, that didn't happen. Sam was caught. and slowly the truth as started to come out of him. but confessed? that didn't really happen. not really.
Luke 7:47 says "Therefore, i tell you, her many sins have been forgiven- for she loved much. But he who has been forgiven little loves little"- those there are the words Jesus spoke.
when i searched the handy little study facts at the bottom, this is what it said:
Overflowing love is a natural response to forgiveness and the appropriate confequence of faith. But only those who realize the depth of their sin can appreciate the complete forgiveness God offers them.
has Sam realized the depth of his sin? i mean really- when we look above in the verses i have already shared- it looks to me that Sam was in so much sin that the Spirit of God did NOT reside in him.
Luke 12:10 again Jesus speaking "And everyone who speaks a word against the Son of Man will be forgiven, but anyone who blasphemes against the Holy Spirit will not be forgiven.
NOT be forgiven? Blasphemes... again i check the footnotes:
Thus it is the deliberate and ongoing rejection of the Holy Spirit's work and even of God himself. A person who has committed this sin has shut himself or herself off from God so thoroughly that he or she is unaware of any sin at all. A person who fears having committed it shows, by his or her very concern, that he or she has not sinned in this way.
ok- definite deliberate and ongoing rejection. definitely shut off from God. and definitely so deep in sin that i don't even know if he was aware that he was sinning. i mean zero remorse nothing. and i mean- i wasn't a complete fool- his behavior was always off.
BUT:
1 Kings 8:39 then hear from heaven, your dwelling place. Forgive and act; deal with each man according to all the does, since you know his heart (for you alone know the hearts of all men)
i kind of see a huge stop sign in front of me at this point.
because really, i have the scriptural facts that show me how deep and deadly Sam's sin has been:
Proverbs 2: 12-19
Wisdom will save you from the ways of wicked men, from men whose words are perverse. who LEAVE the straight paths to walk in DARK ways, who DELIGHT in doing wrong and rejoice in the perverseness of evil, who paths are crooked and who are devious in their ways. It (wisdom) will save you from the adulteress, from the wayward wife with her seductive words, who has left the partner of her youth and ignored the covenant she made before God, For her house leads down to death and her paths to the spirits of the dead. None who go to her return or attain the paths of life."
Proverbs 6:27-35 Can a man scoop fire into his lap without his clothes being burned? Can a man walk on hot coals without his clothes being burned? Can a man walk on hot coals without his feet being scorched? So is he who sleeps with another man's wife; no one who touches her will go unpunished. Men do not despise a thief if he steals to satisfy his hunger when he is starving. Yet if he is caught, he must pay sevenfold, though it costs him ALL THE WEALTH of his house. But a man who commits ADULTERY lacks judgment; whoever does so destroys himself. Blows and disgrace are his lot (and i did deliver blows) and his shame will never be wiped away; for jealousy arouses a husbands fury, and he will show no mercy when he takes revenge (kind of wish i could do this). He will not accept any compensation; he will refuse the bribe however great it is.
footnote: some people argue that it is all right to break God's law against sexual sin if nobody gets hurt. in truth, somebody always gets hurt. spouses are devastated, children are scarred. the partners themselves, even if they escape disease and unwanted pregnancy, lose their ability to fulfill commitments, to feel sexual desire, to trust, and to to entirely open with another person. God's laws are NOT arbrtiary. They do not forbid good, clean fun, rather they warn us against destroying ourselves through unwise actions or running ahead of God's timetable.
i just want to point out one main point in this- her house (the woman- adultery) leads down to death, none who got to her return or attain the paths of life.
so how do i feel about that? is that true?
let me catch you up to where i am thinking right now-
1) i do not honestly believe that Sam has the Holy Spirit deep inside of him. and until he truly recognizes that, he will NOT be broken, he will not find repentance, and there will not be total confession of his sins.
you can disagree with me if you want- i do stand by the fact the only the Lord knows a mans heart- but i also have many verses from Romans above to stand pretty strongly by this statement.
2) Sam chose a path that leads to death.
BUT:
John 8:34-35
Jesus replied, "I tell you the truth, everyone who sins is a slave to sin. Now a slave has no permanent place in the family, but a son belongs to it forever. So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.
Jesus CAN set us free from whatever dominates our lives.
And what dominates Sam life? Serving sin- serving the devil, being consumed of nothing that is good- he does not covet a relationship with the Holy Spirit.
and in Acts 3:19 it says:
Repent, then, and turn to God, so that your sins may be wiped out, that times of refreshing may come from the Lord.
the KEY to forgiveness is CONFESSING your sins and turning FROM it.
so where have i landed?
I am praying, on my knees for total brokenness for this man. i do not believe it is there. i do not. he is a charmer, i know this, and he can say the right things- but brokenness, true brokenness will be seen not be a word that comes from his mouth.
2 Corinthians 7:10-11
Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret but worldly sorrow brings DEATH. See what this godly sorrow has produced in you: what earnestness, what eagerness to clear yourselves, what indignation, what alarm, what longing, what concern, what readiness to see justice done. At every point you proved yourselves to be innocent in this matter.
and:
Matthew 3:8 Produce fruit in keeping with repentance.
Fruit:
Galatians 5:22-23 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Against such things there is no law.
SOOOO. let me finally try and end this post.
there is a lot going on here. there are things that haven't even begun to happen. But God is in whatever happens here.
where does this leave me?? in several places.
in James 1:2-4 Consider it PURE JOY, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be MATURE and COMPLETE, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.
just look what I get! I will be mature and complete, i will lack nothing! NOTHING! i have been so incomplete for so long. i have not walked the path God had for me, i had tried to take shortcuts and found myself running into pain and loss, but here, God - in HIS glorious timing- has pulled from the depths of my deepest despair and has begun a truly good work in me. not to sound braggy.
but His will be done in this situation- HE is in control. I just have to relinquish mine.
that doesn't mean i can't ask Him for things. i want His will done in my life, i want to never again be afraid to declare my Love for the Lord, i want to have people see me and see only Him. i want to be used by our Lord.
and, i also want the desires of my heart- and God knows and hears the desires of my heart, because all i have ever wanted since i was young, was to be this- wife and mother. the wife part may be tbd right now, but what i want- and what you can pray for me- is that i want a GODLY man, who seeks to Serve the Lord the with HIS whole heart. I want a man who will love me the way Christ loves the Church, I want a man who have the Spirit of God residing in him.
And i don't know who that is. Only GOD knows what will happen next. And i must Count on Him. I have not always walked faithfully with my Lord and Savior, and i know that right now He is molding me into something that I cannot even fathom at this point.
but i am guessing that PATIENCE has a huge part of it.
And so, i end this post with a Psalm.
Psalm 5:
Give ear to my words, O Lord, consider my sighing. Listen to my cry for help, my King and my God, for to you I pray. In the morning, O Lord, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation. You are not a God who takes pleasure in evil; with you the wicked cannot dwell. The arrogant cannot stand in your presence; you hate all who do wrong. You destroy those who tell lies; bloodthirsty and deceitful men the Lord abhors.
But I, by your great mercy, will come into your house; in reverence will I bow down toward your holy temple, Lead me O Lord, in your righteousness because of my enemies- make straight your way before me. Not a word from their mouth can be trusted; their heart is filled with destruction. Their throat is an open grave; with their tongue they speak deceit. Declare them guilty, O God! Let their intrigues be their downfall. Banish them for their many sins, for they have rebelled against you. But let all who take refuge in you be glad; let them ever sing for joy. Spread your PROTECTION over them, that those who LOVE YOUR NAME may rejoice in you. For surely, O Lord, you bless the righteous; you surround them with your favor as with a shield.

total weakness.

2012-01-18T16:09:00.000-08:00

if you don't know me, i'll tell you now and shatter any illusions about myself: i'm a work out video junkie. i'm addicted. and i haven't been able to do any videos for quite awhile. since january 2nd. i was very sick. and then the next day sam left me for a 3 day "hiking" trip. i later learned (january 11) that he had taken his 9 months girl to disneyland. my disneyland. that kind of stung. okay, that's a huge understatement- that was like someone was holding me down peeling away the outer muscle of my shattered heart and pouring acid on the wound. seriously.
2 Corinthians 12:9 but he said to me, "my grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."
well, He must be quite powerful right now. my weakness is insane.
Jesus,
my heart continues to break. my mind is so full of confusing chatter that i cannot hear your voice. i do NOT want to hear what others are saying. i believe You can use them to tell me what You want to say, but i am to weak for anything ANYTHING but You and your grace. i can only find myself right now in YOU. in what YOU have to say. my trust in everyone feels shattered. i need your love RIGHT NOW. i need You to extend a peace that surpasses my understanding RIGHT NOW. i am not asking for you to fix my broken heart at this moment. i am asking for you to hold me while i weep. i am asking you to give me strength to see everything that is happening around me. i am asking for just something, anything that will help me feel carried. i am feeling helpless without feeling Your love. if i cannot feel anything right now Lord, please be the thing that i can feel. God, please do not abandon me, find me in my emptiness and fill me like no other can.
take away the false hopes i have and give me your hope. the path is so far away from me, i hate patience- i hate PATIENCE, i want i want i want. and I need.
I need patience. i need your Hand to hold.

the longest post i may ever write.

2012-01-18T13:18:00.000-08:00

it may come as a surprise that i have a blog. it is a surprise because for so long i have been afraid. i have kept myself to myself. only willing to want a few select people see this. which is funny since it is on the web, unblocked. and yet, here i am, i have a blog.
one of the last conversations that i remember having with my brother-in-law was about this blog. he liked the way i wrote. he wanted to see my write more.
i doubt he would have every suspected that i come out with this.
in my weakness He is sufficient. the only truth i can stand by, as I type and shake and methodically rock back and forth like an afraid child.
here i am. i don't want to run away from this.
i have made quite a few confusing posts on facebook in the last week of my life.
and as i won't go into all the details, i will say this- and i have no shame in saying everything in this post simple because i stand by the fact that in 1 John 1:5-10 we are not called to be in the darkness, but to stand in the light.
and it has been far to long, that i have been hiding in the dark.
last Wednesday at just 1 am, i discovered the horrible truth that i had been believing for several days. my husband, Sam, had been having sex with an employee of his at starbucks.
over the next few days more information came to light. they had been involved for 9 months.
and then, just 3 days ago. did i learn that he had had sex with 3 other woman from starbucks, starting in 2008.
as you can imagine, my world has simply fallen apart.
but this is not a post on how my world has fallen apart.
i am devastated, severely. the emotions i have been feeling for the last week are some of the strongest i have ever felt. and i have decided that outside one of my children dying, this is the worst pain that is imaginable for a person to endure.
but He who loves me and created me, will not give me more than i can handle.
later, i will have a serious conversation at what i consider really pushing that fact to the brink. because really, this feels like just shy of too much.
what do you need to know?
2 things: 1, i have lost total and complete trust in Sam. the more distance i put between him and myself, i can see more and more. and at this time, i know that the Lord knows more, and i will wait and rest in Him.
Exodus 14:14 "the Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still".
so, i "try" and be still. and i fail miserably. but i am hopeful that He is who created me and loves me and is now my comfort in great sorrow, will hold me close to Him and show me how to be even more still.
2, i will stand by this:
Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.
and that is the only honest thing i can really cling to. everything in this world will fail me. everything. i am un-sturdy, and when i think that this cannot be happening- i have this and only this to cling to.
i do not understand why this happened. i do not understand why i found myself married to a man who lied to me from the beginning. i do not understand why i could not see more. i do not understand how 10 years of my life could pass and i would be so completely foolish.
but- all the things i do not understand, they don't matter.
Trust in the Lord with all you heart. i cannot understand this. I can only trust that the Lord is going to use everything for His good purpose. i can only hope and pray and trust that He is knew me before i was formed in my mothers womb has a plan for my life.
He will make my paths straight. He will give me my hearts desires. He will hold me in His hand and be my comforter no matter what happens.
He will never leave me nor forsake me.

There will be more posts to come.
right now, what you should know.
i am completely broken. and you know what. God wants complete broken-ness. a friend that i have been talking to, i keep saying, "all i wanted was to be a wife and mother' this was the desire of my heart.
and i am broken. because the desire of my heart was not what it should have been. my desire needs to be only to love and serve my Lord. out of the ashes will come joy. He has the opportunity to show turn my wailing into dancing. And He will. HE NEVER BREAKS HIS PROMISES. He never promised me that Sam wouldn't cheat on me- He said that HE would never leave me- and He hasn't. He didn't promise that my life would be perfect- in fact its pretty much the opposite when you pick up your cross and follow Christ- but He did promise that His grace was sufficient for me.
And it is.
what i need:
prayer that God shows me the truth. i am moment to moment struggling. with for one- all the women Sam has broken the covenant of my marriage with. they pop up everywhere. Everywhere. and as much as i'd like to give you their names so you can go and unleash a little vengeance for me, i must know that the Lord will fight for me, i only need to be still.
i need prayer for the truth. i need prayer to keep my eyes on the Lord, and not on the past. the verse that talks about not worrying about tomorrow- talk about perspective. stupid perspective.
i need prayer. lots of prayer.
i am giving myself time to grieve for the death of my marriage. i am giving myself time to mourn.
and then, my mourning will be dancing.
and all i know is that i have complete faith that God uses every thing for His glory.
and that He must want something from this.
i need prayer, in high school we would say "for an unspoken" and so, i will say that- because i know if all of you join me in prayer for an unspoken request that God will heart it.
i am thankful for the tremendous outpouring of love and support i have received.
i am thankful for four beautiful children who the Lord has given me.
and even though it hurts more than anything i could ever imagine, i am thankful that i no longer live in the darkness of sin.

2012-01-01T17:43:00.000-08:00

If you couldn't tell by my post early this morning, I'm posting from my phone. This morning I had my phone in hand, and tonight I have it too.

And here I am, breaking ages and ages of bloggy silence with 2 posts in one day.

I'd like to share with you my plans for 2012. Resolutions, things to change, ways to improve, measurement for an ordinary life.

We start with the 100's. Sam had this idea for doing 100 days of challenges (100 days of riding his bike, 100 days of being on a trail, etc) and so I am kind of doing a similar thing.

100 days of abs (I work out almost every day, but rarely spend quality time on this area. I'm not looking for any super big results- I am hoping for small improvement)

100 days of games with my kids (my days run together, and I often don't prioritize little luxuries knot my days- you know showering and eating while sitting down- but I forget that I want to create moments with my children that they will remember, so, games- small amounts of time that I know they crave and love and that I need to remember to do.

100 days of writing (here on my blog, in my journal, and the story I have started and want to finish)

100 days of walks with my family (I think that my children are so much happier when they are outside and I KNOW that Sam is so much happier outside, so why am I not make a better effort to be where they enjoy being? This needs to change)

100 days of creating- craft, new food (I miss creating. Miss it badly. And I need to be doing it and I really look forward to 100 posts with new creations.... Even if I make the same thing 10 times)

100 days of videos (Everytime I find a video of my children on my computer I ooh and ah and feel 2 things- 1) oooooh my kids!!!! And 2) why don't I have more memories in videos!?!? That must most change! In this world of technology, I must be able to have more.)

100 days of devotions with Sam (Sam and I need the intimacy and reminder of Who is supposed to be guiding our marriage, our hearts, and our lives)

So those are my 100 days.

And here are my personal goals:

Read the Bible in 90 days again (this was an amazing start to 2011)

Read books- 24 books this year (list to come later)

Create all recipes from Deceptively Delicious

Stay on budget

Keep a meal plan

Take out contacts and floss

Really grow my garden

Declutter: big time!!!

Use my crockpot

Perhaps I will try and weekly or every other week check in with how the personal goals go.

Stay tuned. 2012- I'm ready.

Ish.

2012

2012-01-01T06:00:00.000-08:00

I'm having a rough start to 2012. But as I sit here before 6 am, not even 6 hours into the new year, I am going to try and start strong- even if it is only in my mind-

Instead of dwelling on: I awoke at 5:30 (not 5) which is supposed to be alone time in the morning, I awoke alone- Sam's already at work. And not to the sounds of silence, to the sounds of two boys laughing awake downstairs, and the screams of my baby upstairs. The two downstairs are coughing and snotty, but happy. The one upstairs is covered in vomit that is dried and old from who knows how long.

That's all before a cup of coffee.

But you know what? New year.

Campbell was happy enough to return to his room with the knowledge he couldn't get up (quiet downstairs) after I got Wilder cleaned up he is now snuggled up to me in bed, half snoring through a stuffed up nose. And Sam had made the coffee before he left, so I am enjoying my first cup of coffee of 2012 in bed.

See, it's all how we choose to look at things, right?

Speaking of looking at things- I'm doing odd resolutions, and I guess one will have to be: take contacts out! My eyes are burning!!!

I'm going to gather my thoughts on the things I want to do this year, but after my eyes aren't burning, and the snoring baby on me is feeling better, and my coffee is consumed.

Happy new year.

another day

2011-12-14T20:34:00.000-08:00

its almost 9 pm, and i'm tired. i've been up since a little after 5 (or ok, a little before 6- but who really looks at the clock when it is that dark outside?) and i have been on my feet pretty much non stop working on training my children and their behavior. that is hard. on top of the normal cooking, cleaning, talking, and home-schooling.
and then, i sit at the end of the night and wonder, "what did i get done today?", which is what feels the most discouraging, when at the end of the day and my house isn't the way that i would want it. and the things that i would want to do, just don't get done.
that's frustrating- right?
well, i can't do a lot about that right now. except to try and remember what i did do.
and remember, even if i only did small things, i really enjoyed them.
like, making a birthday cake for Jesus.

what will i do tomorrow?

today

2011-12-07T15:44:00.000-08:00

i need to remember today. how the air was cool and perfect, chilly but not cold. How my children were excited just to be out spending the day with me, running and playing happily.
i need to remember the noises Wilder made while worn on my back, how he cooed and sighed happily, sounding a little snuffly, but in a sweet and quiet way. how he laid his head against my back, trying to sleep. how wearing him through the mine made me happy and content. and then when he was off my back and in my arms, how my tired baby nestled into my chest and was calm and restful.

i need to remember how Henry chased after sound he heard. how he was searching for an echo.... whatever that was. how he pointed his finger and loudly announced “this way”. how when Sam and Mason and Campbell, but special boy led me down a different path (how this boy has led me on a different path indeed), how he and i (and wilder on my back) went off the path, how he was fearless in his search for noises and water. how when he started to get tired he sat on the floor of dirt and looked up at us stubbornly.

i need to remember my sweet Mason running to Henry’s side, insisting he could do it, and that she could be his partner. how Mason took in the beauty around her and was searching and hoping to glimpse a deer (we didn’t), how she found sticks and rocks and pinecones, determined to find something for the “collection” she brags about.
I need to remember my boy Campbell, older and asking questions about everything. and not just simple “why” but thorough questions, looking for an answer. how he tired of the walk,but rallied for the rest of us and continued on his way. how he climbed over rocks and logs and listened to every word that Sam had to say.

i need to remember how Sam took pride and love in showing his children the difference in trees and pine cones, how he was able to quiet them with a “listen” and they would all strain to hear what their dad had to say or what their dad was hearing.
i need to remember this day.
i turned 30 today.

before noise.

2011-10-13T07:20:00.000-07:00

a rare and briefly quiet moment i am in right now. my children are exhausted from a fun day out and about yesterday. although, sam and i drug them around roseville for 8 hours and from my perspective for them i can't imagine it was fun- but they had a great time (play structures in a mall, getting to climb on rocks in rei, cruising at the greatest store ever- costco- and chocolate frosty's.... maybe that is a great day).
so now, i await their waking up. to not wake them i haven't been tackling the piles we brought in from our van, or the cluttered coffee table. nope, i read my Bible, had some coffee (lots) and played on my computer.
and i have nothing terribly brilliant to say today.
tomorrow i have hosting a soup night, and i am really hoping to get a few new recipes. i am seriously dreading the idea of corn in anyone's soup... i sure do hate corn in things.
but hot soups, time with friends, and then the weekend. although, yesterday was really our weekend, sam is working steadily till... well looks like 2012. but that's ok.
because- i no longer have a job.
i'm not quite sure if i ever even mentioned my job here, but it was one of the primary reasons for my lack of blogging and my lack of crafting. as much as i loved working with pregnant and nursing mama's, and loved the ladies i was working with, the relief that is now calming me daily is the most amazing things.
be still and know that He is God. this was the biggest answer to prayer- and honestly the fastest answer i have gotten. tuesday: Lord, please take this job away, i cannot quit, but i cannot do it. wednesday: job- we've had budget cuts, would you like to resign?
halleluiah.
so, now i am back to my original job- being a mother and a wife. a friend, a sister, a daughter of Christ... all the things that i have sorely been lacking from my life.
i'm hoping to have exercise more patience, spend more time with those i love, and craft a heck of a lot more. i sure have missed it.
and maybe, you'll see me here more.

my obsession

2011-10-01T20:04:00.000-07:00

ok- so that title is fairly misleading, because so many things could be considered my obsession. for example:
anything with a hood, journals, bags, hoarding glass jars, the search for the perfect hair curl product, anything tina fey does, sam waterson, homeschooling curriculum, anything the firm does.

to name a few.

but for the next few minutes, i would like to share a little bit about my obsession with diet and sugar. i am sure that i have mentioned my diet issues... right? well, i don't need to refresh anything here, because it is a snooze fest. but lately, i have been really feeling down on myself because i have been eating really poorly. like 3 solid weeks of feel better food. like, making the pioneer woman's truly awesome chocolate sheet cake 3 times in one week and still wanting pizza for dinner poorly.
poor diet aside, the worst part is it is just now starting to cool down. good-bye forgiving stretchy skirts- hello jeans which have become smaller since the last time i wore them.
fantastic.
but i did this to myself. so for the last week (a week, wow, such an accomplishment) i cut sugar out of my mon-fri life. okay- it was mon-thurs, my best friend made me celebration cookies, which i had on friday.
but- anyways, i have been attempting to eat more purposefully through out the day, and stop my eating by 8 pm (i would love to have it be 7, but with the kids that isn't always practical) and then only having sugary desserts on the weekends. it is a slight modification of the no s diet.
so. after a week of no sweets during the week (note- not no sugar- i did have homemade blueberry muffins (but i make them myself, and the sugar isn't extreme) Izzy's (hey, the FDA says it counts as 2 fruit servings) and fruit strips (yumm) i am pretty happy. well- i was mon-thurs. i felt accomplished, and happy- because i knew that i was eating good, healthy things for my body and that my snacking was finally under control.
well. thursday... we ate at sam's parents and had my favorite dinner... taco salad- which, my plate was too full... fail.
friday, sam brought home chipolte... awesomeness, but when i poured it on my plate, holy banana times it was so FULL, and then... cookies. 2, but cookies. and a portion of a cookie and several chips at like 9:30... fail.
and then tonight, after a great day of moderate eating, we had pizza for dinner (not the worst thing ever, and mine was full of freshly chopped veggies) but i had a cookie (darn they are good) and i made these. smores. cookies. bars.
yeah.
and you know what? my tummy hurts. and i did it to myself. and psychologically i am kind of freaking out. and i did it to myself.
soooooooo.....
how do i do this? i love sugar. it is delicious. it tastes great, and their are some really fantastic recipes out there that are just begging me to try them.
yum.
but, here i am, with a full tummy that is aching at me, and i feel guilty. and i don't want to feel guilty, and i want to have that accomplished self-control feeling.
ok, personal therapy here, as i work this out through my typing.
the smores cookies bars, as fantastic as they were- are really really rich, and perhaps not the best thing to eat after dinner of something like pizza. lesson 1.
and maybe- even on the days that i choose to have sugar- it needs to be one thing. not 2, like i did today.
and maybe it should be one day of sugar. not 2.
well, seeing that i have had 2 days of sugar, i will probably not have any tomorrow. i am a big fan of tossing items in my freezer and saving them for later. that and sending freshly baked goods to starbucks. and hey, if i take them tomorrow when sam isn't there, he won't be tempted. everyone wins.
i will check back in about this next sunday. i can be strong. no sugar till saturday- no baking till saturday. and then next sunday when we are going out to the pumpkin patch, i will decide how sunday went.
and see if i can do 2 days.
well, this post got a little bit boring. but, hey- my blog is called generally wondering..ment...
so you get what you get.

up from the ashes

2011-09-24T19:42:00.000-07:00

i think it is safe to say, this has been the hardest summer of my life. it also wouldn't be to off the mark to say its also been the worst summer of my life. so many things have happened that have rocked my small little world. my best friend in the whole world experienced deep pain and suffering, my husband lost his brother (which means, that i also lost someone i deeply loved), earlier in the summer my marriage was again on rocky grounds, and my heart's desire was forced into finding itself drawn to a new path.
suck. that is pretty much the word that really comes to my mind.
so, as i am here, reeling from the last 4 months, i want to try and remember a few things that have brought a little bit of light into this dark time.
~my sweet sister, after 5 years of trying, is finally expecting a baby. best news i have received in a long time. such an amazing blessing, and i cannot wait to meet this precious baby girl.
~my sweet henry is starting to talk more. and he is really developing quite the sense of humor. he had this precious moment at sam's parents house where he had escaped from the bath and was standing behind a doorway, and he kept popping his head out and saying "ta da" and then laughing. it caused paul (sam's dad) and i to laugh pretty hard.
~with all the things that henry has started to say, he will -when prompted- say i love you. and it is wonderful.
~my littlest boy has started walking. he is very proud of himself, and throws his arms up in the air. he is my sweet light in all of this.
i wish there was more, but right now i can't think of much else. life is starting to move forward. nothing is easy, it just is.

interesting.

2011-08-24T15:58:00.001-07:00

i meant to have this post yesterday, but something was wrong with blogger... or my internet... possibly both.

today has been good. not great by any means, but good. and i will happily take good as opposed to want to pull my hair out-send all my children to separate homes- and find a way to move to mexico. good is great.
so what made it good? did i have extra realms of patience hidden in a box? no, not necessarily. the things that usually annoyed me still annoyed me, however, my reaction to my children wasn't nearly as harsh (insert awful). was there no mess to clean? ha. i wish. but not really, re-organizing the school stuff and toys is something i enjoy. were there no fights? wrong again, there were plenty of arguments. did i get 3 hours of joyful bliss while everyone napped at the same time? nope, that would have been nice. i'd settle for 3 down at the same time, but today i just got 2. better than 0.
did i get hours of alone time this morning? try waking up to children stowing away in my bed. but sam had left before 6 and the coffee was made- not ready to brew- made.

so why was today good?
well. there was one thing different today than the days in the past week (ok, month).
i read my Bible this morning. and the day's passage from Jesus Calling by Sarah Young, a book i highly recommend.
so, was i met with amazing insight and hope and new understanding?
no. not really even a little.. the passage from Jesus' Calling was really great (they always are) and i read the first several chapters in Ephesians. but i didn't exactly walk away with anything profound.
but i just realized- i didn't need to. i have been really reluctant to turn to my Bible for any wisdom lately- because nothing really feels like it will be a solution- i mean, its not like i will turn to my Bible and suddenly, miraculously have better behaved children or even more patience. or its not like i will turn to my Bible and feel totally different.
i found today, that just even the act of turning to my Bible, of saying, "ok Lord, I might not know what good this will do, but i trust you".
Draw near to Him, and He will draw near to you.
that's all i did today, i took a few extra minutes out of morning, drew near to Him, and now that i reflect on my day, i realize, He drew near to me. and not that i profoundly felt it like angels singing from the heavens, but i know it.
and that is a start.

august.

2011-08-23T13:42:00.000-07:00

i have decided that i do not like the month August. it is my husband's birthday, and i love him dearly, but i don't like this month.

in 2008 right around August sam and i were hit with the surprise of a 3rd baby, we found out his brother had cancer, and there was a really emotionally draining situation at his store.

in 2009 in August, we had a horrible batch of the flu. it affected all 3 kids and it lasted for an entire month- the month of August.

in 2010 i was planning on having a baby. well, that baby decided to come in September. also, i would say Sam and i were working through some marital things.

in 2011. well, i spent some time in washington (in july) and came home to Sam opening his new store. well, he's probably worked 250 hours this month. and the month isn't over. we are starting our homeschool year, and already i am changing my mind about EVERYTHING, i am really emotionally and mentally wiped, and pulled in many directions.

august just kind of blows.

so, how do i wrap up the rest of this month?

i know that i need to find some new direction- or at least refocus my direction. i know that i need a lot more of Jesus. a LOT more.

honestly, it is just so hard. everything else in life seems so immediate- i feel sad, so i have a bite of chocolate, solution. i feel stressed so i power walk on the elliptical, solution. i need to vent, i call a friend- solution (although, i never call anyone, i text or google chat- you know, our new version of communication).

but i know that i am missing what is the most important. i know that i am not finding any true joy. that i am lacking and losing things that really matter.

my problem- that i fail to be like Jesus. categorically fail so miserably every day. every second. and what does it say in the Bible (and i know it is there, but i am way to lazy at the moment to find the reference) draw near to God and He'll draw near to you.

isn't that what i need? so badly?

why can't i do that.

i need the fruits of the spirit, i need the Spirit, i need to be different. i need a month of the year to not be something i begin to dread, but instead try to see it how God can use it, and use me.

i think i need a lot of things.

i need a place to start.

any ideas would be greatly appreciated.

i return with a story

2011-08-09T21:39:00.000-07:00

for those of you who don't know last week Sam opened a new drive thru Starbucks in our little town. Sam has been a manager for Starbucks for, gee, 9 years? yeah, 9 consecutive years (that's also how long we have been married- he worked for Starbucks in college, moved to Redding, quit, then worked at a little place called Coffee Creek- after we got married i told him to go back to Starbucks... ok, gently encouraged.) and he has been up managing the Starbucks in our town for about 4 years? i know he changed stores when i was pregnant... but i've been pregnant a lot.
anyways. the "old" store was pretty dirty. and small. really small for how busy they were. and it was constantly under criticism for just how dirty it was. a lot of it was out of Sam's control- some of it wasn't. it was really frustrating for him.
about a year ago (maybe more) Starbucks decided that it was going to move the "old"store and was going to put over 1 million smackeroo's into a brand new HUGE store.
well, this sort of talk had been going on for quite awhile. but, it was finally really happening. and Sam and i both assumed he would get the "new" store.
yeah. that was an assumption. this new store was held over Sam's head. he really had a lot to prove, a lot to clean, and had to work really, really hard. the thought of Sam not getting this store was really devastating to us both. he'd been with the company for so long, it would be really embarrassing- plus would he have to commute to a new store? would he be fired? would he quit?
a very long wait.
which is over. last week- last wednesday at 4, Sam opened the brand new Starbucks. drive-thru, huge, huge, huge lobby, fancy pancy leed certified store (that's something to do with all local recycled goods that made the store)
it has been very exciting. and a lot of stress, and a lot of work for Sam. since monday morning when the old store closed, Sam has been working about 14-16 hours every day. we haven't seen a lot of him.
single parenting is not a lot of fun.
anyways- i am really, really proud of him. for both his consistent perseverance to prove himself ready to be given the new store, and just how hard he is working to make this store a success. and success it is: every day since the store has been opened they have more than doubled the business they usually see. its been- crazy.
so, i wanted to get him a present. i'm not sure if i have mentioned on here before, but a couple of years ago my husband decided he wanted to be a mountain climber.
when we met he said he like to camp. that was it. occasionally ride a motorcycle (which he has never done since we were married) but camping. back packing maybe.
but mountain climbing.
ugh. i have tried to be supportive. but it takes a lot of time- away from the house, training... and the gear- oh my goodness, the gear he buys. and- its dangerous.
then he decided he wanted to kayak...
anyways. i wanted to get him a gift he could use and enjoy, um here. something that wouldn't take him out of the house (because we do have 4 kids) one that wasn't dangerous (because- um we have 4 kids) and also, with the new store he won't have a ton of free time.
well, about 5 years ago, Sam enjoyed very much playing a little game called Madden Football.
have you heard of it?
when we had it on our N64, i really loved playing it with him. then he got a playstation and got way better than me. way better.
i still really enjoyed watching it.
every year the new Madden (cause remember the NFL changes yearly) would come out conveniently during Sam's birthday week- which is right now!
well, a couple of years ago, our old play station broke. and we never fixed it.
and Sam's been living, Madden free.
so- i thought he would be so surprised if i replaced the Play Station (with a PS3) and then for his birthday his parents would get him Madden.
but.... where is the fun in that?
i kind of can't resist doing things a little um, different.
so i told Sam that i got him a gift. and he got really excited.
and i got very mischievous.
i decided it would be very fun to play a little joke on him. so, i told him that i was really nervous about the present that i got for him, that i wasn't sure if he would like it (he assured me he would, that anything from me is great) and i told him this:
well, its just a little something small, to show you how proud of you i am, its nothing i've ever gotten you before, and its something you can keep with you and see it and know how proud i am of you.
i then proceeded to go to amazon.com and find this:
ok- for those of you who don't know Sam, this is NOT his taste. really, really, not.
so, i printed a picture of this out, wrapped his PS3 and hid it.
he came home, and i sat him down, told him that i didn't have the gift with me- because his mom took it for me to help me out with it.
i hand him the picture:
Sam: oh.... it's a ring...
there's a very forced smile on his face.
me: yeah, well, you don't wear your wedding ring very often, and i've never got you anything like this before.
Sam: yeah, its really... nice... thanks...
at this point i got up and got his real present.
which he opened instantly, squealed, and then rocked back and forth:
"i just was thinking how am i going to only wear this thing in front of you and no one else? i was so scared".
and then he kept looking at the picture of the ring and laughing.
its currently hanging on our front door, and every time i look at it i laugh really, really hard.
the look on his face was just so priceless. unwilling to hurt my feelings, trying so hard to fake that he liked it.
he did a really good job.
sadly, the PS3 is still sitting where he opened it. he only gets one day off.... most likely this month. hopefully he will get a chance to mentally check out and enjoy it. he has to wait till the end of the month for Madden though.
ok, this story was really long. and honestly, when i tell it is WAY better.
so, come over and i'll tell you it.

Seasons.

2011-05-10T22:00:00.000-07:00

today was a sunny day. and it got me thinking about seasons. not everyone gets to live in a place where all 4 seasons are experienced, i do. sure, some of the seasons don't last as long as the others, and this year winter felt un-seasonally long, and spring maybe lasted 2 days, but still, we get a glimpse at all of them.
and i had to wonder, when our Creator was creating this earth, was specific attention given to the length of seasons. all the seasons are roughly (supposed to be) the same amount of time. is that the length of time God knew we could handle it? is 3 months of winter just at the brink of "enough" for some people?
and then the easement of seasons. its not harsh colds and horrid heats, its a gently walking towards the extremes. we are cold, and then slowly it starts to warm, until its so warm that we slowly start to get cool before it gets to cold.
duh, that's the way the seasons work.
but we use the word "season" for so many things. and lately i have felt like i have been in many different seasons of my life, many seasons that i have been desperately crawling at the walls trying to get through.
and now, i have better reflection on it. seasons of life aren't meant to be every 3 months, and seasons of life sure as heck don't ease you into things ( i mean, i can't even think of one season of being a mother that has easily transitioned into a new "joy"). seasons are here, and there is a season for everything.
and, this season i am in, i will NEVER get to experience again. so i need to enjoy it. embrace it. live it. because way to soon the leaves will change and fall and it will be done. new seasons will replace this one, but it will not be the same.
my season.
i want to be in a season of daily exercise (at least 60 minutes) i am IN a season of hopeful exercise (i do better than most) and hoping calories shed while i breastfed and chase after my 2 year old, while listening to my 3 year old talk, and watching my 5 year old read.
i want to cook wonderful, healthy meals and small, decent desserts, i am IN a season where we eat pretty much the same thing every day, and i try to strive to eat as many fruits and veggies as i can, all the while having the same daily battle over "i'm hungry" when we jump down from the table after refusing to eat our food, and food getting thrown from table to floor.
and the occasional (ok, very occasional) doughnut binge.
i love doughnuts. and God help me, i'm praying they are in heaven.
i want to be in a season where i am crafty and creative every single day and productivity just shines from me, i am IN a season where my creativity stretches to imaginary elephant stories and hide and seek and the occasional coloring picture. the few moments where i truly feel creative i do not always have the opportunity to act on them. and then in the evening when i sit to nurse the baby before he goes to bed, all of my drive and motivation effectively washes away as he slowly falls to sleep.
that 7-8 pm nursing window the drains me, because i am tired, and it has been a long day and i don't want to use my brain anymore.
i want to be in a season where i would love to be more social and see my friends and have play dates all the time, i am IN a season where i have a job, and a job where i know the Lord wants me.
i want to be in a season where my home is always clean and laundry is always done, and milk cups aren't left in the sink over night, and bath towels are always immediately hung, i am IN a season where milk cups are lucky to make it into the sink instead of being found days later under a couch, and towels are tripped over and stepped over multiple times before they are picked up.
what it boils down to is this: i am tired. it is true. but i have to stop seeing the tired as the cause of all the things i CAN'T do. and instead see it as the effect (and i don't know if that should be affect or effect and i am to tired to care- or look it up) of what i AM doing.
i am in a season where my children come first.
when you start to embrace the truth of what you are living, like for instance boiling heat in July, then it doesn't make it easier, but you can understand it.
and don't feel sorry for me, because this season is important, invaluable, and yes- i am tired, and sure, i am not getting to do the things i want to yet-
yet. there will be a season for that.
so for now, i enjoy lounging on the couch at night when i am to tired to do anything else letting my favorite shows make me laugh, and i am quite content reading spurts of books on my iphone while i nurse my baby, and i am sure that someday my house will be clean (but really, if i clean those cups tonight they will be dirty again tomorrow- it will happen) and someday i will cook and exercise like a pro.
of course, i do realize that i will most likely never be in the season of being a supermodel. fine by me. i love doughnuts.
i am in a season where my precious children come first.

changes

2011-05-09T06:04:00.000-07:00

i can hear one of my "thought was sleeping" children awakening downstairs, so this will have to be short.
today marks the beginning of something for me, although i was previously trying this before. today i fast for self-control. on the first of may i started a fast from sugar and flour. yesterday i stopped (for several reasons- none based on lack of self-control though) and today i begin again. when i had started i was so distracted that none of the reasons why i wanted this fast even seemed to matter.
background: i am most likely an over-eating stress eater, most of us could say that's true. but i also have this little genetic quirk (and trust me, its genetic) where i obsess about certain foods and will absolutely inhale them without ever giving it a second thought.
i need self-control. in so many different areas of my life. i need in my diet, and i desperately need it with my children. and i need it in how i use my time. i have fallen into a pattern that i really don't like.
a quick googling of the "fruits of the spirit" (and a harsh reminder to myself that i really must write these on my heart) tells me that self-control is a fruit of the spirit. one that i have let rot on the vine.
ok, to sum up (because that waking child is now really awake) this is what i am doing:
from today until june 5th:
*no sugar and no flour- except for fruit. i am eliminating it from my diet. why? because i tend to go on baking binges. and (and these may come as shocking information to you) but sugar is fairly addicting. i probably start eating sugar a little fast and faster with the more i an inhale it. and then i simply cannot stop. i mean really.
*no eating after 7. i mean, as much fun as it is to literally swallow a bite of something tasty and crawl into my bed, how completely unhealthy is that? plus, when i am sitting on the couch snacking all night long i am not doing anything else.
*no eating at the couch. food and tv go hand in hand, and i kind of need to end that relationship.
*no more eating out when i should be cooking. that doesn't mean going out (because i have some fun plans for next sunday that will involve being gone all day) but it means having the discipline to create a meal plan for my family (something i can do) and being self-controlled to stick with it.
* no more exercising if sam isn't here.
ok, that's a weird one given everything else i have thrown in. but this fast is about self-control. and i know that my obsession with food is only magnified more with my obsession for exercise, because i know that if i exercise i can eat more (which is slightly false logic) and i also get a little (understatement here) caught up on how my physical appearance is. and this fast isn't about losing weight. its about self-control. discipline. and i can turn into a pretty nasty mom really fast if i am exercising and the kids are misbehaving. and you know why? because when i am exercising they are alone to their own undoings.
but, i can fit it in when sam is around. and when the time comes (sob) when i won't have a nursing baby (who is sleeping through the night) then i won't wake up with a chest that can't fit comfortably into a sports bra and i will be able to exercise in the wee hours of the morning.
* to really pray when i eat.
i really do want to hand over these ugly aspects of myself.
yesterday was mother's day, and when i was enjoying sugar for the first time in a week i realized something, it did all taste a little different. and i didn't hit it as hard as i thought i would have (but i did snack all night long, ugh) so hopefully my heart is changing towards the way i let myself feel about food.
i do love food. and i am starting to believe my role in heaven might be doughnut maker. or baker.
i have 3 ladies who have being doing the no sugar/flour since may 1st. i think 2 of them are walking along with me till june 5th. and after june 5th, i have a strict plan set up for not crashing hard.
i also have a pretty list of 30 things to do.... better get started on that.

2011-01-27T20:00:00.000-08:00

i am in a creativity stall zone. during christmas there was so much i was making, and so much i wanted to be making. and then i was done with gifts. and then somehow 4 some weeks passed and i haven't done anything outside of a little bit of embroidery and making some yo-yo's.
i feel like a chunk of my brain was removed, and i cannot find it. i had all these ideas of things i was going to be making, my christmas/birthday present list for others was all but complete in my brain.
and now? absolutely forgotten. and the worst part is that it kind of physically hurts my head right now. because i know the information is in there, and i just can't get it out.
i would really like to be spending a little bit of time crafting, but it is just taking so much time to figure out where to start, what to do....
and every time i flip through one of my many sewing books it usually calls for a type of fabric- ok, corduroy (which i love) and i never have that, and i just can't justify buying anymore fabric.
and there are gifts i could be making, but i kind of just want to make something for myself....
how bad is that?
i hope to free of this crafty brain block soon enough. for now, i think i will grab some scraps and make some yo-yo's. not sure what for, but something i guess.
if i mentioned an idea to you, please remind me.
thanks.

new years resolutions.

2011-01-17T19:08:00.000-08:00

i have purposely not mentioned my new years resolutions. and why? it was inspired by a truly silly reason but one that later made sense to me. i received a fortune from a cookie awhile back and it said something to this affect:

speak less of your plans and they will be accomplished.

and it just resonated with me. instead of taking all the time to name off all the things i hope to do, i should just spend the time doing them. not that new years resolutions listed off are a bad thing, but i think i would rather mention them as they are accomplished.
or when they are stupidly messed up.
i had wanted to follow a "take a picture every day" kind of thing, and 16 days in and i have already missed. i unexpectedly stayed later at sam's parents yesterday than planned, and i completely forgot until about 5 am this morning that i hadn't taken a picture.
i'm a little bummed. okay, a lot bummed. but there might be a chance that sam took a picture sometime yesterday. if not, i may be asking around for a picture.
it would be a long post, but perhaps i will put up some of the pictures every month, and then link the rest to a flickr account? the picture at the top, my 1-4-11 picture. be prepared, most of these pictures will be of my kids. or food. or random things in my house that make me happy.
i don't get out a lot. and getting our more, is not one of my resolutions.
there are more resolutions. and more that i continue to make up and add. when they are accomplished, i will let you know.
as for now, my computer is running painfully slow (i have about a zillion to many pictures on it) and tomorrow i've got a gal coming to watch the kids while i learn how to defend myself. and to help her defend herself against the kids, i should at least attempt to have it clean in here.
right?

moments in the kitchen.

2011-01-12T14:26:00.000-08:00

while in the kitchen this afternoon two things happened. a moment of genius followed by the realization that i am quite stupid. and a quick moment of second thinking.
how does genius turn to stupid so quick? i love hummus. there is a trader joe's version of hummus that i find quite wonderful. but our trader joe's is 45 minutes away. not practical for a quick jaunt down to pick some up. i have a recipe for hummus, and even though sam says its "great" i truly despise it. why? two reasons: its always soooooooo runny, not thick. and the sesame seeds that the recipe calls for never puree all the way.
that kind of rhymed.
when i was at grocery outlet yesterday i picked up a couple of bags of pretzel thins for 99 cents. great deal. but i really wanted hummus for them. i have to be really careful about the hummus we buy cause of MSG. so i opted to not buy some and resolved to make some again.
well, as i was prepping my ingredients i had this moment of genius:

i can change what i hate about my hummus!

i don't have to put sesame seeds in the hummus, and i can reduce the amount of liquid and add it slowly to get my desired consistency.
genius!
and then:
stupid! why haven't you been doing this all along you silly twit?
i am often way to chained to a recipe and believe i cannot deviate at all.
anyways, the hummus turned out very well. and while i still like trader joe's better, it is a fine substitute (and probably cheaper and healthier).
and now for my quick moment of thinking:
i was getting henry's lunch ready and had sat his bowl down onto of my toaster. i then proceeded to start pouring applesauce into the bowl and quickly stopped, thinking, "how on earth will i clean applesauce out of the toaster if it misses the bowl?"
catastrophe averted.
for now.

a little bit from the past.

2011-01-09T20:41:00.000-08:00

i've got a bad combo going on right now. restless boredom when there are a zillion things i could be working on. and a desire to eat when i don't really think i am hungry. but that late night mental notion of i want to simply veg and snack. i think that might be the worst combo.
not like cookies and milk (which i want) or frozen yogurt with cheesecake chunks (which i also want).
so, while i wait for my water to boil so i can have a cup of my favorite tea and try to convince myself i don't need to eat (wait a sec, was that a hunger pain?) i thought i'd pop on and try to share a post and get out of my posting every other month habit.
so we returned from our great adventure up north and came home to a mad whirlwind of events. hosting Bible study at our house (the next day after driving 13 odd hours) then other obligations out of the house (which i now can't remember) and then my big event of december: my handmade holiday party.
this was my second year throwing this shin-dig, and it is a lot of fun. basically i invite all the women i know- and tell them to invite all the women they know, and everyone is supposed to bring a handmade gift (and an appetizer or dessert because eating is a lot of fun). then we exchange white elephant style. i decided to throw this type of party because i just love to give gifts and realized i couldn't give a handmade gift to everyone i love. so i thought that by throwing this party we could all celebrate together.
now obviously because i host this party i had my handmade gift prepared weeks before the night.
wait. no.
but i had a fun idea, and i knew it "wouldn't" take to long.

this was my Christmas wreath. i actually made 2. the first one (which after scrolling through all my pictures) i didn't take a picture of. i kept the first one. because i really loved the colors i used, and i wanted it. i'm sorry, but its the truth.
the greatest thing about making this wreath (which wasn't nearly as amazing as some of the other gifts exchanged) was that as i was creating the wreath i had a special helper.
my little mason. she wanted to help hold the fabric while i ripped it, wanted to talk about the fabric, and when i gave her her own pile of fabric she would throw it up in the air and shout, "it's Christmas!". she then declared her pile of fabric as her "decorations" and kept herself busy for hours "decorating" our house. i foresee many years of Christmas creating with her, and am happy to see her sewing/creating juices starting to flow.
since i am toting around a nursing baby, who was also celebrating his first Christmas, i felt it was only natural to try and quickly whip something up for him to wear.

he's happy, really. i just appliqued a quick little tree on a onesie. i have more onesies... i should do more applique.
i love to applique and embroider. love it.
and i love that little man in the picture. to spice things up for Christmas i added a "1" since it was his first Christmas.
oh my goodness, how cute is he? last year on Christmas i was really surprised that i tested "negative" on my pregnancy test. but a few days later i found out i was expecting him. it really puts the year 2010 in perspective for me. maybe not perspective, but it makes it feel more impacting. or crazy. or wonderful.
i'm not sure. but my tea is probably ready to sip now. and i have projects i can be working on.
or i might see if sam wants popcorn.

i do still exist.

2011-01-06T14:48:00.001-08:00

sure, 2 months between posts is completely adequate. i have not fallen off the planet. i made it through the made rush of Christmas and presents and baking and cleaning- and well, everything that comes along with that holiday. i also traveled up north with all the kids to spend thanksgiving with my family (and see my first ever football game with my sister and brother-in-law- BEST PRESENT EVER!)
really, my thanksgiving vacation deserves it's own post. so why not flashback in time to 2010?
the Friday before thanksgiving my dad flew down from seattle to help drive me and the kids up. help is kind of a loose word. he did ALL the driving. although, when you have 4 kids in one van it is much much much better to be the driver. because the co-pi has to do all the backseat work.
the plan was to go to portland and spend the weekend with just the little babe and my wonderful sister. that's right, 2 whole days and nights to myself.
it was amazing.
my sis and i stayed at my parents condo and we basically shopped, and shopped, and shopped, and ate. actually, we might have eaten more than we shopped.
we got to see my most favorite crafty blogger in the world, meeting up at a fun restaurant, where we were served awesome appetizers by the oddest waiter. really, he should have been welcoming guests onto disney's tower of terror, not serving delicious food.
now something rather odd happened during our weekend. we were stuck in portland due to the snow. however, there was no snow in portland. basically everywhere else in the world was hit by a snowstorm, except for us. so we couldn't travel to my parents and the kids (they were up by mt. hood) and we couldn't travel north (puyallup) where we would be spending thanksgiving, and with my parents condo's now being rented for thanksgiving, ashley and i were forced to rent a hotel.
really. it was just dreadful. what with hgtv, and more time for shopping.

our hotel room.

the bathroom
i haven't had this much time without my kids in 4 years. the weekend was amazing, but the whole week was fantastic too, because my parents really took over and watched all the kids. it was one of the most refreshing times i have had. i cannot wait till i can do it again.

ashley and i made it home, and the rest of my kids and family made it back to us later that night. i assisted ashley as she made our entire thanksgiving meal. ok, i did help. i ate a lot of sugar cookies and a lot of pie. although i did make my first ever stuffing (thank you pioneer woman) and i was responsible for the baked brie.

hot cocoa break.

decorating sugar cookies.

could there be a cuter picture?

ashley and the best apple pie in the world.

ashley and her beautiful turkey.

with thanksgiving under our belt (and stretching our belts) i took my sister out for her very first black friday event. now we didn't get up at 4 am or anything, instead we started our day at 8 am. we came home around 10 pm. i do not believe i have ever shopped so much in my life.
it was awesome.

steven and i prepping for black friday

the very next day sam flew up to seattle and we went (with the kids) to see some of our very best friends (they have 2 boys Campbell and Henry's ages) in the world. we spent the day with them. i love how when you get back together with old friends nothing really skips a beat, you just jump back into things.
and then, the game. chiefs vs. seahawks. it doesn't always happen, that the team sam and i LOVE and the team my sister and steven LOVE play each other. in seattle (otherwise a flight out to kansas city would be a little unrealistic) of all places.

ash and steven totally spoiled us by getting really amazing seats, and it was absolutely awesome that for the first game we had ever been to that WE WON!
sorry seahawks, but thanks for allowing us to see a victory in person.
and that was the last half of my november. my december was pretty amazing/rushed/busy/fun/stressful. so it really deserves it's own post.

gratefulness

2010-11-06T13:10:00.000-07:00

my wonderful friend becky posted today on being thankful. i fear i tend to complain a bit to much in my little space here. and i don't mean to. wait- yes i do, when i open my mouth and complaints come out, that is something that i am intentionally doing. i noticed i do it when i talk as well. someone will pay me a compliment or ask me about something and somehow in my answer a complaint or criticism follows.
like this:
q:"how's the new house?"
a:"oh it's great... i really wish such and such was done, or that we didn't have to such and such...."
q: "the kids are getting big"
a: "yeah, i really wish they would...."

see what i mean. and i really do it way to much.
and i wonder, if i demonstrated a tad more thankfulness in my life, if i would be a tad more happy.
"a thankful heart, is a happy heart". i'm sure that can be found somewhere in the Bible, or a paraphrase at least. but for now, i quote one of my favorite veggie tales: madame blueberry.
that song is really wonderful. and i can't help but think if i broke up arguments with my children by breaking out in that song, if our days wouldn't improve just a little.
or if when i feel the urge to be frustrated with my kids or with sam, if i really stopped and said a silent prayer of thankfulness for them. because really, if they were stripped from my side it would be darn near impossible to find the thankfulness to continue on, so shouldn't i be thanking the Lord everyday that i have them?
or the multitude of other wonderful things that He has continued to bless so unworthy a person such as me?
what if when asked a question, if instead of tagging on a complaint, i always added "God is so good".
i understand the need to complain, the verbal monologue that can pour out of my mouth. maybe, just maybe it would be better to pour that complaining waterfall of thoughts towards the ears of the One who can give me peace. and of course, my trusted friends and loved ones who will guide me back to Him.
thank you becky, for giving me a wonderful dose of inward perspective, i know that the Lord used you to day. i am very thankful for you!

being caught up.

2010-11-05T22:22:00.001-07:00

i have just discovered that i will in fact never be caught up. not right now anyways. i sometimes contemplate what it would be like to wipe my plate clean, and just have the kids and Sam and the house. but that's a funny thing to think, because it never is just those things, is it?
and i really am loving the other things that i am doing. but the truth is, i am feeling once again- overwhelmed. like, sit in a corner and shake with hysteria-how do i ever think i will accomplish everything- overwhelmed.
sadly, this little blog is one thing that is easily neglected. maybe if my phone was working i would actually start "tweeting" because i tend to have random one line thoughts many, many times throughout the day.
right now its almost 10:30, which i have been in bed my 10 pm most nights. i am happily sticking to my workout schedule, and very happily shedding the baby pounds. i have been neglecting so many things i just don't know how to get back there.
for someone who prefers to be on top of things, this isn't how i love to live.
the holidays are a busy time. starting an online class on the composition of breastmilk is a challenging subject. preparing for the possibility of a part time job gives me a second to pause and reflect how i spend my time.
i know that i do have obligations and commitments. and i know that i do love making gifts for people. but i also know what i need. i need to be silly with my children and try and not let my brain think about all the things that i need to do. i need to spend time with sam connecting and talking and vegging. i need to expand my brain and read, and pour myself into my relationship with the Lord.
most importantly i need to find the geneticist from the movie mulitiplicty and see if there is anything at all that i can do.....
i hope to share more of the positives of what i've been doing. i did get a little caught up on the blog for the kids. not so much narrating each picture (which i like to do, and need to do to remember all of this in the years to come) but some new ones are coming.
10:33. I really do need to go to bed. i really do need to make a list.
but i don't really have time or the focus.
15 days till i get to have a small vacation in portland, and then a week with my family for thanksgiivng, and then my first (and sam's) ever football game to attend. and getting to spend time with my sister.
and then, my birthday. and holiday fiascos. which just reminded me of something else i have forgotten to do.
maybe a list isn't such a bad idea.
the best idea would be a embedded chip into my brain that automatically listed everything i need to do, by priority......
so apparently i either need to start taking science and technology classes or
i need to give myself a break.

and it's october.

2010-10-07T17:57:00.000-07:00

how did that happen? sheesh. and today, my beautiful newborn is 5 weeks. how did THAT happen? it really does feel like yesterday i was staring into his face at the hospital, waiting for sam to come and pick us up. wilder and i enjoyed several hours of alone bliss before we headed home to the zoo, um family, that was awaiting us.
and its been full steam ahead ever since.
i don't have much blog worthy to say tonight. i wanted to post a 5 week shot of my little man, and check in, cause its been a couple of weeks.
how fast weeks fly now.
i really want to do some fall art projects with the kids, hope i can get myself into gear for that. we did make little leaf people (an idea i saw on one pretty thing) that was really quick and easy, and the kids are still playing with their people weeks later. maybe it hasn't been that long. i burnt myself with my hot glue gun when we made them and the burn is still on my wrist.
how long do burns last?
i was planning on going north next weekend, but it isn't going to happen. i need to plan a trip. i have some special people i need to see. and christina, my sister has learned to sew, so she will definitely want to do some fabric shopping in portland (and just oodle at your awesomeness- i saw lunch bags at ben franklin and fought the urge to prop it open to your bag for all shoppers to see!)
tonight i read to campbell out of Charlotte's Web. his attention lasted for 2 chapters and then we had to quit when henry wouldn't stop jumping on me. it was a very special time. i love to read out loud, and soon campbell won't need me too. i mean really soon, his reading is impressing me more and more each day.
mason's turning into a girl more and more each day. she's kissing longer. uh-oh. but really, its cute. she's realized that giving a kiss is a special thing. lately when she goes into take her nap she'll be naughty and get out of bed and cause mayhem (aka waking henry from his much needed naps) but then sometimes i'll peer in at her, undetected, and watch her playing with her dollhouse, or animals, or looking at books, or today- cuddled in bed with all her elephants and having the "mommy" take care of the "baby".
be still my heart.
and then there's henry. he walked around all day today with "that's not my dragon" a book that i bought for campbell years ago. he would only flip between the first two pages, but he carried it around, "reading" it all day. and today as i was nursing wilder, he came up with his book and sat next to us, and kept leaning over kissing wilder's head.
and my baby, my new baby (because henry is still the baby in my heart) nurses like a champ, is being such a good sport about all the gentle love he gets from his siblings, and gives me more sleep at night than i deserve.
when i found out that sam wasn't going to be able to take his 6 weeks off like we had hoped, i knew that being alone with the kids early on would either solidify in my mind that i was done having babies, or make me realize i could handle more.
well, i know i can handle more. both sam and i realize that.
but do we want more.
how's about this: is my sister gets pregnant in the next 6 months, then it will be pretty impossible to resist the urge to have a baby at the same time as her (a month or 2 later obviously) but to have cousins the same age.... and to share a pregnancy with her.....
of course, tomorrow i might be ready to pull my hair out, you never know.
all i know is, i'm getting a quiet few minutes to myself at the craziest time of day, and i have a pretty nice husband to thank for that.
sorry for the random post (although i have real random thoughts to share at another time). i had no real topic in mind when i sat down. and then the fact that my baby is 5 weeks, and it goes so fast, made me want to write down the memories i have of today, because sad as it is, this- blogging, pictures, journaling, is the only way to keep the memories for me.
and they are so precious, i don't want to lose more than i have.

a pretty good deal

2010-09-24T09:37:00.000-07:00

so my friend jana just called me about a fun online deal from one kings lane. it seems to be a fun online home decor store, that has sales all the time. if you use this link (cause it's mine) and sign up (its completely free) you get a $15 credit at the store, which includes the shipping, so if you find something for under 10 bucks, you can spend about 2 dollars and get something fun- either as a gift, or for yourself.
i got these for under 2 dollars. not to shabby, especially if you know how much i love salad, and how much i love green!
refer your own friends and get $15 bucks each time someone signs up.... you could probably get most of your Christmas shopping done that way.
although, sign up under me first :)
ok, i'm off to a child free day (except my newborn) of alone time!

my full plate.

2010-09-23T11:03:00.000-07:00

life is full. i've been alone several times this week, and am surviving. the days are not so bad. basically because our schedule hasn't changed to much- we still have our morning routine (which i am constantly trying to improve on) and are doing our home-schooling, but mostly we are surviving because i have mastered nursing while walking around.
i figure it burns twice the amount of calories.
everyday there are still struggles though. my biggest puddle to wade through right now is to work on not yelling. there's the yelling when i am on the couch nursing trying to get someone's attention (usually to stop fighting or to have someone race outside and get henry to stop doing something unfortunate- aka, heading for the street) or the loud un-loving words that come out of my mouth as my children push me towards utter frustration.
and it makes me sad for many reasons, 1- that i have such little self-control that i cannot keep myself from constantly making the same parenting mistakes, and 2- that little wilder is hearing his mama have a pretty unhappy tone way to much.
its not all bad. its pretty good (however the last 2 nights that i had to manage solo had some un-fun moments and my first everyone crying at once catastrophe) its just when i see the bad spark up in me it seems to undo the good.
at least everyday is a new day. i can apologize to my children for losing my cool, and move on to the next thing. i can look at my new baby and think about his gentle spirit before i open my mouth. i can remember that my children are sinners just like me and they haven't been given a spirit of self-control.
and i can ultimately remember that i will blink my eyes and this will be over. even as mason came and kissed wilder this morning, looking at her little brother with such affection i thought, "she's going to be a mama someday". and that someday will come faster than i realize.
outside of the day to day routine of children, cleaning, laundry, cooking, and the other multitudes of homemaking, i have other things sorting through my brain. like the constant paranoia that every little cough my baby makes could be whooping cough.
or the fact that my application for becoming a lactation consultant has been accepted, and that i now have 2 years to complete 500 clinical hours, take 45 hours of breast-feeding education, and another long list of tasks to complete, and still awaiting to hear when i will start peer counseling at our wic office.
oh, and we are doing a handmade holiday (super excited) so i will be making all our gifts.
and christmas is less than 100 days away.
and a week in washington for thanksgiving.
co-hosting a soup night with my girlfriends, and getting ready to plan out my 2nd annual handmade holiday party.
and wanting to really enjoy the holidays with my kids this year.
and exercising and dieting. because i would really like to slim down.
hmmm. i thought taking a few minutes to blog would make me feel a little bit more relaxed, not a little bit more overwhelmed. that's ok. sam took the older two for an errand and its quiet here (except for the sounds of screaming children at recess at the school across the street) so i think i will finish my christmas list (its almost done) type it out and promise not to change it.
but first, maybe my Bible, and another cup of refresh tea.

a funny observation.

2010-09-17T17:36:00.000-07:00

my little mason, ms. attitude, was helping me fold some laundry today. well, "help" isn't the best description, standing above me and offering helpful advice and a bit of sass might be a better description. and as she was standing there she was poised ever so perfectly with her hand on her hip. and i thought to myself, "i really need to catch a picture of this" because it is a new little trait she is bestowing.
and then, mere moments later, a nice elderly couple showed up with a casserole for us for dinner. and as i was talking to them mason came and stood by my side, and as i casually looked down at her, i noticed that not only did she have her left arm propped up on her hip, but so did i.
i guess it's either genetic, or she's watching me more than i realize.

surviving.

2010-09-14T21:25:00.000-07:00

people i love very much

yup, i am surviving. however, i have not been alone with all of my kids yet. yet. its looming. soon i will be alone, with 4 little ones who want all of my attention, who need to be fed, or taken to the bathroom, or taught, or disciplined. 4 little ones who want my love and smiles, and will require my patience and focus.
its intimidating. i have a few more days to get prepared. and i know that the only way i will make any of this work is to have a very consistent and strict schedule. at least for the mornings. basically, i know that if i don't wake up before my children i am toast. i can do it. who needs lots of sleep, right? actually, i don't. pregnancy makes me tired. as in my body doesn't function the same way. but i really don't need a lot of sleep. and as of today Wilder isn't really waking up to nurse at night. i mean, he kinda wakes up, roots around (as he is nestled right next to me) and will nurse. i am not sure how long, he's mastered nursing while i lay down and i fall asleep. its rough.
i'm nervous about how things will go, but its also that anticipation of seeing what it will be like.
the last few days have been really nice. my sister has been here, spoiling me with her time and attention and help. i taught her to sew. well, basically we worked through a pattern and she revealed her amazing ability to sew and catch on to things. seriously, serena- she did her very first zipper, without help. its very impressive, and i'm jealous. i didn't catch on this quick, and still need lots of help. she's a rockstar. i hate that she is leaving tomorrow. it sucks. absolutely sucks. but she is (i hope, hope, hope) coming back in october. and i am finally getting a small break- i'm flying up to portland (christina- here are my dates) october 15-17th for a girls getaway. i haven't been kid-less and sam-less since i was pregnant with mason. and i won't be kid-less, i'll have my wilder, but he's so sweet and sleepy that its not the same.
things are going really well. my biggest concern right now is getting enough time to spend with all my little ones, especially henry. i miss him. its strange to say, but i do. having him changed my heart in a way i can't explain, or i can- having him made me know that i wanted another baby, and he's held a different spot in my heart. henry doesn't seem worth for wear though, he's happy to be playing outside, interested in our new baby, and incredibly busy. but i do miss the time i had to just snuggle him. and i need to make sure that i am doing that with all of my children, every day.

baby boy

2010-09-05T10:38:00.001-07:00

Wilder Michael
born September 2, 2010 at 4:14 am
7 lbs 2 ounces, and 21 inches long.

i am pretty much hopelessly in love.

labor was wonderful, albeit incredibly long and boring. and nothing like any of my other labors. my induction plan for the previous weekend hadn't worked at all. and monday i was barely dilated or anything. it would be putting it mild to say how discouraged and unpleasant i was. sam was burning through his limited vacation time and there was no baby.
sam worked a little on tuesday and a little on wednesday. about 10:30 wednesday morning i thought my water broke. with campbell it was unmistakable, this time i really couldn't tell. after about 2 hours i was fairly convinced, but didn't want to sound any alarms. luckily, my team at maternity health center was all working (i've had my babies on the weekends and never been able to go in and "be checked" by my usual gals) so i made an appointment for 1:45, and went in a little early.
where, to all of our glee (literally, we all cheered) it was confirmed- my water had broke!
but, the baby was really high. so as a precaution, i was sent immediately to the hospital (which was difficult seeing that i had the only car which had all of our carseats) to have the baby be monitored. seeing that my labors would go fast, and my water had broke, there was a fear that the cord could potentially come out before baby- and that is not good.
i was checked in roughly after 2, and thus began the waiting. i wasn't alone for long, sam and serena arrived at the same time, and our good friend gaia, and then jess (after driving WAY WAY WAY to fast) made it to the hospital.
and nothing happened. we walked, and walked and walked. watched how i met your mother. ate fish tacos, walked some more. anna (my doula) came up and we tried some positions. but nothing happened. after 10 hours of being at the hospital i hadn't progressed at all.
this was so stinking crazy. and i was not happy at all. i wasn't in pain, don't think that i had 10 hours of wretched labor. i had 10 hours of nothing. contractions that didn't register on my pain scale. even contractions that would come every 5 minutes apart, did nothing. the baby was still to high.
and i was concerned. this was so different. and with my water having broke i felt horrible pressure. that if the baby didn't come i would have to start undergoing medical intervention.
not what i wanted at all.
at midnight we sent everyone home. i didn't want to. but i didn't want everyone waiting around for nothing. i mean, 10 hours and no change? jessica was smart, and stayed in the waiting room (she missed henry's birth and didn't want to miss this one) and sam and i tried to get some sleep (him curled up in a chair, and me lying on my side trying to get the baby to change position).
and lying on my side helped. i couldn't sleep at all, i was obsessed with watching the heart rate monitor making sure our baby was staying healthy. i kept changing sides, and around 2 am, i realized i couldn't sleep because my contractions were starting to bother me.
at 2:30 i woke up sam because my contractions were hurting. at 3 i got checked, and was told (by the worst nurse in the world) that i was only at a 5. 20 minutes later i sent sam for another nurse. i was at a 7 and was rapidly moving to transition.
this nurse made everything start to happen, she got all the labor gear and moved like lightning. the other nurse, barely moved, acting as if this was a leisurely event- despite my warnings of how fast this could go.
we called anna at about 3:15 ish? maybe 3:30. sam told me jess was waiting outside. i was lucky this time, usually during transition i have contraction upon contraction. this time i got little breaks where i was able to talk.
basically from 3:30-4:00 ish it all moved really fast. i was checked a few more times (by horrid nurse) and kept changing positions to try and get comfortable. literally, everyone entered the room and i moved up into a more "push-able" position and sam and anna tried to keep me from pushing. but the horrid nurse she was casually walking by and was like, "oh yes, there's the head".
well that's all the "go ahead and push" i needed to hear. with my next contraction, i pushed, out came babies head, in walked doctor, and i pushed more, and out came baby.
baby boy.
4:14 am. 2 hours of "labor" 10 hours of boredom. and he's here. born on my due date.
he's perfect, tiny, and making us all very happy.
God has been very good to all of us.

determination.

2010-09-01T14:00:00.000-07:00

so, i have this sewing book that is devoted to purses and skirts. glorious, right? it really has some wonderful ideas. and in the book i saw a picture (several pictures) of a drawstring tote bag that has a circular bottom. it. was. wonderful.
and the pattern/directions were no where to be found. and i flipped through that book many, many times.
who in there right mind puts out a sewing book just for purses and skirts and then pictures a super cool purse that they don't include a pattern for?
argh.
so. i did my best, to recreate the project. and this really looks nothing like it.

but i love it.
after realizing how much i really liked the way this bag was coming together i had to throw in some pockets. after all, the bag is really deep, and i just knew that if it didn't have pockets i wouldn't be happy.
and i am sooooo happy with this bag! i just love it.
it was pretty confusing to put it together. involving math to make the circular bottom, creating pleats where maybe there shouldn't have been pleats, and then realizing at the last minute that i couldn't attach my lining in any of the normal ways i usually attach it.
somehow, it worked.
ahhh, and now, this bag needs a name.

home projects.

2010-09-01T11:43:00.000-07:00

i posted this over at my family blog: mynieskids.blogspot.com this last weekend (when baby 4 FAILED to make its appearance) we got a lot of home improvements done. and by we, i mean everyone else. i moped around and did everything humanely possible to induce labor.
oh well. you can see other rooms: here, here, here, and here.

i'm posting this over here, because i think this room is my favorite, mainly because i spend the most amount of time in it. my home-schooling/sewing room.
or i mean, the kids school room.
either way, i think this room in our house has had the most transformations. it started out being our dining room (where we still did our home-schooling)

and then the table got moved because we needed more working space, oh, and i needed to have my sewing in there as well.

well, this room was definitely working mainly as our home-schooling room and as my sewing space (because i tend to sew in spurts when the kids are busy with a project- but in my eye-sight) and the table we had was bumming me out, because it was big and taking up unnecessary space. plus, we never eat at the table all together because this room is just to tiny for that.
i imagine that after the remodel and we have the huge long rectangular table of mine and Sam's dreams that family dinner together will be a cherished thing.
but until then, this dining room is now my home-schooling room.
and my dad did a fantastic job making it feel wonderful!

yup, that's a huge chalkboard- courtesy of chalkboard paint! oh and my dad and my sister applying coats of it :)

my dad and sam's dad built this little table together. 2 shelving units which house the day to day home-schooling supplies and games and such, with a board cut for the top.

we aren't doing end of times studies- we are trying to learn to write the number 6.

ahhh, an organized closet.

i really, really, really, love this room.

before things get really crazy

2010-08-26T06:56:00.001-07:00

so really, i haven't been just sitting around, diddling my fingers, waiting for baby 4 to come. i have been sewing like a crazy person. i guess i figure that in just a few days my time for sewing will be thwarted by other things.
*other things: staring at new baby, holding new baby, falling in love with new baby, nursing new baby, and cuddling all my babies.
i love to sew, but nothing quite beats those precious few first days of newborn love.
but- this is what i've been sewing.

i've been trying to create a drawstring circle bottom purse. this did not turn out the way i wanted it to- at. all.

but, i LOVE this fabric. i'll probably use it, even though it isn't lined and the linen is paper thin, but still, they were scraps i had and i just can't stand cutting into new fabric.

burp clothes. its just white flannel that i sewed together, and did a little felt/fabric applique on. the duckies on the bottom is a receiving blanket that i made for the new baby. its stretchy and not flannel- its so unbelievably hot here. i know i have some amazing receiving blankets in one of my newborn bins, so after the baby is born i will send sam searching for them. i have fabric to make one more- but if i don't need it, then i'll use it for a different project.

the little white shirt that i made for baby 4 came in a 3 pack. well, i couldn't just let that go to waste. so i had fun resting on the couch and embroidering these.

any guesses?

we went up to redding last week to visit dear friends and to have family pictures taken. my wonderful friend (and great mothering encouragement) just had her 4th son and thinks (falsely i might add) that i behold some creativity in sewing. ha.ha.ha.
anyways, i have yet to create anything for her. so, as a woman living in an all boy house i thought she deserved just a little clutch style purse, something to always help remind her that girlie things are great.
i also made her a coffee sleeve, which i forgot to photograph.

i literally whipped this up the early morning hours before we left, because i wanted something else besides the coffee sleeve. i "came up" with the design myself. so the flaws are apparent. one of those- oh, i should have done it this way kind of things after you are half way through.

below are messenger style bags that i made. the blue one i really don't like. mainly because i wanted it turn out totally differently so that i could use it for a camera bag.
the green one (right below) i actually do like, but it could have used some interfacing. but that's what i get for hurrying through a project just so i can see how it will look.

this bag was my own design. and i have used it a couple of times. i sure do love this color green. a lot.

and this purse i really don't like. mainly because the tutorial was AWFUL.

there's a flap. i didn't even picture it. whoops. oh well. i'm not quite sure what i will do with this bag. it's lined with padding (you know, because i wanted it to be used for my camera) and the pockets are sewn to a specific size (for camera things) but it just did NOT work.
and did i mention the tutorial was dreadful? you know someone isn't grand at tutorials (not that i have any room to speak at all) when you mention who did it to someone and they comment, "oh yeah, so and so does terrible tutorials" you know its not just you.

i do have one more unfinished project on the ironing board. its almost done. and again, its coming from my crazy crafting brain, so i don't know how it will turn out. but i did figure out how to do a circular bottom, so i am pretty excited about that.
and today my dad is here, helping me transform some rooms.... so pictures to come from that.
oh, and did i mention that i am going to try and naturally induce labor tomorrow with some castor oil?
i guess i have a few things going on.

squash

2010-08-17T21:55:00.000-07:00

its growing. in a barrel in my front yard. this is truly a feat for me, because every single houseplant i have ever had has died a sad, slow, death. in fact, even the pretty flowers that i had on my front porch (and have replaced twice) have suffered at my hand (suffered and died). needless to say that our little garden doesn't look all that great (okay, it looks pathetic) but someone we have some little munchkin pumpkins growing- and growing crazy i might say- but we have some real possibilities in some tiny little cherry tomatoes (or roma's are not looking good at all) and then there's the squash. and honestly, the only reason i wanted to plant this little garden in the first place was for the zucchini. i just realized i keep referring to it as squash, when i don't have any squash growing in my garden, its strictly green zucchini.
and its awesome!

this big beauty showed up out of nowhere....or i guess it was growing for days and had been painfully neglected. oh well. it still tasted great.
so today while i feasted on various zucchini cuisine, i thought i'd share a couple of my all time favorite ways to eat zucchini:

1) fried.
okay, so sam's mom makes the best best best fried zucchini in the world. sam and i have tried to recreate it and we fail almost every time. its dipped in egg white, flipped in flour, crisped to perfection in a LOT of butter, and seasoned to your hearts desire.
it sounds easy enough, but for some reason we cannot mimic the tastiness that she produces.
i need fried zucchini right now. pronto.

2) roasted.
i like to slice my zucchini in circles (and if its big then i'll cut the circles into moons) place them in a pyrex dish, drizzle olive oil, garlic, salt, a little pepper (if i'm sharing with the kids) and a couple tablespoons of parmesan cheese on them. i set my oven to 400 and roast them for about 20-25 minutes. wonderful.

3) in this recipe: rice with summer squash
i didn't put in any onions (because i hate onions) and i added a little extra pepper to my own portion and some parm (because i think that the carrots in it make it a little sweet) but for a quick meal its very tasty. plus, i think it would make an impressive side at a family gathering. or for a more complete meal- add chicken.

4) in this muffin: zucchini muffins.
i've already blogged about the amazing-ness of this recipe. i have several muffins in my kitchen right now. the kids are warming up to them (not as sweet as blueberry, but i think they rock) and i reduced the amount of cinnamon and nutmeg to help the kids- i think it was a bit to much spice for them.

5) and my favorite is a little dish i call chicken/tortellini/zucchini.
now, i usually use both zucchini and yellow squash, but when i only have a garden of zucchini, i just use that. however, sam's parents garden is INSANE, and i have access to a bountiful supply of various squashes. i have varied this recipe off of a ravioli and squash recipe i found in a real simple years and years ago.
what i do:
cook 1lb of fresh (or if mine were in the freezer) cheese tortellini's.
set my oven to 400 and roast 3-4 zucchini/yellow squash (cooked just as i mentioned above, only i will add a little bit of red pepper flakes)
sautee up some chicken breasts in olive oil, salt, pepper, and a little garlic.
when all have cooked- add together in a big bowl, mix generously with parmesan cheese.
and devour. i think this dish tastes well tepid too.
that's my way of saying, i eat it all night long and rarely remember to get it in the fridge for leftovers. oooh, and it reheats wonderfully.

i am officially hungry. and need to work on a small sewing project before it becomes midnight.

baby 4

2010-08-16T20:58:00.000-07:00

everything i had hoped to sew, crocheted, or knitted (for me) for this new baby is complete and packed away neatly in this little bag, just waiting to be taken to the hospital.

and here is what's in the bag. a little baby t-shirt with a zebra that i embroidered, (that is not a patch- i made every little stitch myself) tiny little shorts for the baby to wear (in neutral muslin) a small blanket with green trim that i crocheted, and a beautiful knitted hat that my dear friend made for the new baby. although, this time it was delivered to my house. for henry she had shown up at the hospital to see her sister-in-law's new baby and i had surprised her by being there as well, and she had henry's hat in her purse.

a number 4 sewn onto the back of the shorts

and a close up shot of the zebra. my friend christina was there as we tried to determine 3 different shades of gray. it was actually difficult.

so, my hospital bag is packed, the baby's bag is ready. i need to get the other kids ready with some little bags. and we still need to find a bear for this baby. we've had bears at all the births. so.... we need a bear.

what a week

2010-08-15T19:27:00.001-07:00

i cannot believe that is sunday evening. i cannot believe that 12 days from now i should be holding our brand new baby. i cannot believe that at 37 some weeks pregnant i am still feeling this nauseated. why is that? its gross. i would love to just feel like i don't need to throw up every time i eat or don't eat. of course i don't throw up, but i do feel like i want to.
anyways. only 12 more days and no more pregnancy posts. how excited are all of you?
back to this week. this wild and wonderful (albeit sick-ish) week.
monday was a crazy day. the usual stuff, trying to home-school campbell and mason, trying to keep up after whatever henry is needing from me, and trying to start some cleaning projects so that i wouldn't be overwhelmed the next day when our bible study would be coming over. i remember about 10 am sending my sister a chat message asking her why she wasn't at my house helping me so i could take a nap.
i went on with my day, remembering that later that evening i was having a small baby party to celebrate the arrival of number 4. i didn't want a traditional shower, just a small gathering of us gals to eat food and laugh.
sam had opened, and came home around 1:00. i knew that he had to leave again to go get retrained on espresso down in sacramento. i was a little bummed, because it meant being alone with the kids for another 3 hours and then rushing to my party.
he came back a little early. about 4:30ish? which was good, i was about in tears and really needing a break. i left him with the kids and went back to de-boning a chicken i had roasted. minutes later there was a knock at the door. which truly annoyed me. why, why, why was someone stopping by right now? 2 hours before i needed to leave for the party, and i still had so much to do. i wasn't even really dressed.
i went and opened the door, and standing there was an angel.
my sister.
she and sam had completely surprised me. and i am not one to be surprised. i find out everything. and i cannot believe how absolutely dense i had been regarding this. it really makes me think how self-involved i must be these days, to not put it together. like sam asking me weeks ago to just not check our credit card bill saying he had got me something as a surprise. or him randomly needing to drive down to sacramento for a very short 1 hour meeting the night of my baby shower (our airport is in sacramento).
seriously, where is my head?
i am glad they pulled it off, it was the most wonderful surprise. we spent the evening at my baby party and then talked till about 1 am. when my lovely children awakened us at 6:15 she literally leapt from our bed (thanks to sam for sacking out on the couch) and did not stop working until about 8 pm that night.
she cleaned everything. she used attachments on my vacuum i didn't know we had. and used that vacuum to clean every room and crevice in my house. she deep cleaned my kitchen while i did school with campbell and kept mason and henry busy. she then moved down to our family room and put toys away and vacuumed the spider rug. she dusted, she cleaned up spills, she paused to read books to the kids.
and then she transformed my bedroom and bathroom (side note, ash- the bathroom floor hadn't been cleaned since we moved in.... in march....). the pictures aren't the best- but check it out. our bedroom was such a disaster zone (and we didn't even take pictures of what was the second kitchen, which is now also completely cleaned and organized) and just the last thing on my list to do- mainly because i would never make it over there to clean.

this before picture does NO justice to the mess and chaos of our room.

i only include this pregnant shot for my sister. but there's me. ready for baby. really ready, like hospital bag is finally packed.

i wish i had more pictures of all the work she did. i'd love to say that at this moment the house has never been cleaner. but that's a lie. the house has never been more deep-cleaned and more organized. because she let us change her ticket and she stayed an extra day and i was finally able to mark off more and more from my epic to do list. and now that so many little things are done, i have the ability to keep it cleaner longer. well, at least picked up.
i am so thankful my sister came. i love you so much! i wish you were still here- not so you'd be cleaning and helping- but just because i had so much fun having you around. i am so glad that you will be back soon, and we need to figure out a more frequent way to get you down here!
i miss you! thank you so much for everything you did!

a reminder to myself

2010-08-07T21:21:00.001-07:00

i am about to have baby number 4, and you are fairly exhausted. the kids i am already raising are keeping me up late. once great sleepers, campbell and mason seem to be pushing to stay up late. campbell upset mason tonight by taking her night light out of its spot and putting it 2 feet away from her head. i went up and switched the night lights, told campbell that he couldn't move her night light and tucked mason back in bed. only to hear her cry out mere moments later in pain. i found her standing in her room, tears running down her face.

somehow she had grabbed the bulb on the night light and burned her little finger. she insisted on a band-aid between her sobs. i moved her into the bathroom and gently turned the cold water on. she let me hold her hand under the water and she slowly calmed down. and as i knelt next to her and watched her little eyes following the movement of the water and slowly start to smile as the pain cooled off, i realized how precious this little moment was. she was so upset just a few moments before and now she was happy, enjoying the cool water as it ran over her hands. every know and then she would glance over at me and smile. she was completely safe in my care and she knew it.

she still wanted a band aid when she was done, and kept telling me that my band-aids were not any good, and that she had to have a curious george one.

i realize this story seems really non-exciting. but it just hit me how these tiny, precious moments only last a minute and then they are gone. i won't remember this in the months/years later, except now that i have written it down i have the memory saved.

mason, my sweet little girl. she talks and talks and talks, and in this moment she just stood and let me help her.

i know i won't remember every moment of my children's precious childhood as it whisks past me, but i do need to be better at writing these little things down, so that i can transplant myself back to this night.

he could cook.

2010-08-06T17:48:00.000-07:00

another day that i watch a little of our "extra" money disappear. not spent entirely poorly by any means, and i am continually amazed at how abundantly the Lord provides for this little family, but spent in one way that i could control a little better.
eating out. its my biggest vice, and my greatest luxury. i love to cook. love it. there's something fantastic about creating something delicious to eat and especially fantastic if it tastes really good reheated the next day.
but i hate doing dishes. and i hate cooking in the heat. and i hate doing dishes in the heat. and all 3 of those things must be done after one cooks.
sam knows that i know how to cook, and he loves the food that he cooks. but he equally knows how much i enjoy to have food that someone else has cooked.
and so, when i have found myself utterly exhausted this pregnancy (the total exhaustion deserves its own post) sam generously offers to run out and get whatever sounds fantastic, as i throw something mediocre together for the kids.
it could be worse. he could insist i cook, or hate spending money on eating out.
or he could cook, but i know that he is as equally tired as i am.
and so as i try to not think about how much it would total all added up if we didn't eat out a fraction of the time we did, i try to instead focus on how blessed i am, that we can eat out, that my husband is very willing to serve me in this way, and how yummy the food does taste.
because, in just a few short weeks (9 weeks to be exact) i will be resuming weight watchers, and i don't usually eat out while doing weight watchers, at least not in the beginning.
i am debating starting a 100 day fast from eating out, in combo with finding 10 new amazing dinners to cook.
sounds like interesting ideas. because welcoming a 4th child to my 4 years and under crew just makes me believe i will have oodles and oodles of free time.
on a separate note, if you want to get me a baby gift (you of course don't have too) i love gift certificates for food :)
oh and meals.

in my free time.

2010-08-06T08:00:00.000-07:00

or something like that :)
i have been sewing! i had some very odd goals of getting all of my christmas gifts made before the baby came.
ok. please stop laughing. you won't be able to read this if you are still laughing.
anyways. that hasn't even started. and i realized that today marks 3 weeks from when i intend to take my 2 T of castor oil and beg the baby to come. so unless i either get an energy transplant or my children become amazingly self-sufficient without needing any correction or training (or a combo of both) i highly doubt that any christmas gifts will get done.
never mind that. i still have plenty to keep me busy. i have made a massive to-do list, that does continue to grow daily, but luckily somethings are getting crossed off of it. but it does still feel like a lot to do in a short amount of time.
instead of dwelling what's still not done, take a look at what i have done:

another one of the bags i "designed". i really love how big they are. i think i might do another one, but vary it a little. maybe. it's always fun to experience.
i keep experimenting with the coffee cozy as well. i am having a fun time adding a little personalization to it, and this one is reversible- there's a button on both sides.
now if only jess hadn't changed her drink to a grande non-fat latte everything would have been perfect.

i hope i don't lose any readers....

2010-08-05T13:15:00.000-07:00

but i truly hate spiders. i know one isn't supposed to "hate", but really, i absolutely hate spiders.
and somehow i think they know it.
i'm not sure where my hatred of spiders came from, but lately it seems to be magnified.
i seem to be un-naturally attracted to spiders, with an odd sense of "spidey" vision. really, i do. i can spot a spider emerging from a hiding place from a freakish distance. i think i might actually be able to sense spiders when they are in my presence.
but still, at every appearance of a spider my blood runs cold and chills overwhelm my body and i think it must be on me.
which reminds me. i would kindly love to stop shedding like a mad woman, because every tiny hair that leaves my head and floats to my arms runs panic through my bones. and quite to often sam and the kids wonder why i am doing an odd arm waving dance.
lately spider time has gotten worse. ever since the stairs to our laundry went in and we were able to utilize our "first" garage as a family/play room i have been on high stress alert for those 8 legged monsters. you see, the family room has a throw rug on the concrete- but everything else is concrete, with some brief exposure to the outside. it is a great deal cooler in the family room, but it comes at a great cost to me to be done here enjoying it. i am constantly awaiting for emerging horror. and so far, i have found one almost every day.
its the worst when the kids have their toys everywhere, strung on the floor. because i just know (and have been been proven correctly) that when i go to grab a toy to put in its home that it will cause a scattering of spider to race away.
growing up, my bedroom was in a basement. converted basement i should say. our laundry room was not finished. i think i finally begged my parents for the attic bedroom because of my fear of spiders (and my growing addiction to the fumes of bug spray). one memory will always stand out it my mind. i was hanging out in my room and from the corner of the wall a huge spider crept on the floor. i grabbed my spray and went nuts. as i was moving something out of the way a SECOND spider appeared, equally huge, requiring even more spray.
it was awful.
the laundry room in our home growing up with unfinished, with stairs that led to our carport and concrete steps. hanging webs would loom. and because this was a basement laundry room and far away from the rest of the house we maintained a strict "drop dirty clothes on the floor" and let them wildly pile up. when i was taught how to do laundry, i can remember the horrid fear that would arise when you would grab dirty clothes from the floor and pray that nothing would be moving on them or under them.
usually there was.
i will never know how my mother, who did the vast majority of our laundry handled this. was she not afraid of spiders? or did she maintain a level of bravery just for her children's sake.
my sister had the worst experience. when our laundry was clean, it was folded and stacked and left on a counter in the laundry room. apparently my sister had grabbed clothes to wear and left for school. it wasn't until later in the morning when she had removed her sweatshirt in class did she realize perched upon her chest was an inhabitant of our basement laundry room.
and now, my laundry is in a basement. i have returned to concrete floors and fear of leering guests.
i am ashamed to admit that in our family room/play room/laundry room that i have sent my children to the front of the battle field. blame it on the growing belly and exhaustion (cause its really a handy excuse for this) but i simply perch myself on the couch- after investigating it carefully for anything that moves- and with a shoe in my hand (for squashing) i carefully instruct my children on what toys to pick up, what clothes to throw in the hamper, etc.
all the while prepared to attack anything that has attached itself to a toy.
i am a woos.
and i think the spiders are retaliating against me. the other morning when i went to finish a purse i was sewing, i started to iron out the fabric and a tiny little baby spider scampered across the fabric- quickly, to meet its twin.
2 baby spiders on my fabric, which were quickly met by a third. of course this had me scaling the walls searching for more, the dead fear in my heart that an egg had somehow hatched without my knowing.
and can you even imagine how disgusting it would have been if i had ironed a spider into my fabric.
yuck.
the very next morning i noticed a bigger "momma" spider in the curtain of the same room. luckily sam was on his way home and was able to assist me in the removal of that visitor.
needless to say, i truly despise spiders. i really don't like many bugs in general. but i am frustrated by spiders, because ultimately i do see their purpose- to kill the other bugs.
but why God? why?
a talking cucumber once asked a grape (who was acting as an angel) if God ever makes mistakes. this wise grape answered no, never.
but in his mind, "the jury's still out on spiders."
truer words.
and yes. i did just write an entire post on why i hate spiders.

finished

2010-08-04T11:55:00.000-07:00

that's right, i somehow finished.
it wasn't easy. and i lost motivation a lot. and honestly, i had finished many days ago, but it seemed moving the fabric from our bedroom to the 2nd kitchen was just an impossible task.
however, it was finally moved. and i hate to admit it, but i did move it myself- something i regretted moments later, and hours later as i found my energy completely zapped and myself really out of breath.
stupid pregnant lady that i am.
so here's what i came up with- feel free to breeze through this, as it might not be super stimulating to all of you.
these 3 tubs- the top tub consists of solid colored fabrics.
middle tub is all of my felt and i believe some fleece.
bottom tub is holiday fabric and gingham/polka dots that i was given from a friend.

and in these 3 (well 4, but you only see the top of the bottom tub) tubs:
top is all my interfacing, tracing paper, batting and more essentials like that. i kept it on top because i knew that i would need easy access to it.
the 2nd tub from the top is fabric that i have that is still uncut. meaning, i haven't used it for a project yet- it most likely ranges from 1 yard to 3 1/2 yards.
third tub- all the fabric that i have for children projects.
and the un-pictured bottom tub is another tub full of fabric i haven't cut into. i have a lot of beautiful fabric just waiting to be used :)
ok, i am very proud of these next 3 tubs (pictured above) and this is where my total inner geek will come out. its either geek or crazy "monica" mentality.
you pick.
so, these 3 tubs are basically organized scraps.
in the top tub it is all scraps that are small enough to be used for tiny projects- if i ever quilt, or make log cabins, or need little pieces for embellishments or applique.
the middle tub is bigger cuts of fabric- almost fat quarter sizes, in fact- this is where you would find all of my fat quarters. any fabric that i have already used by still has a good 1/4 to 1/2 yard left in it was folded and placed in here.
the bottom tub. is well, medium sized scraps. anything that i would use for bigger applique or coffee sleeves or embroidery uses.
and that's it. i left myself a walkway. i put the tubs of scraps out front because i will need to put scraps in it as they come, and also, i have a very difficult time cutting into fabric. its almost painful. so i usually go for the scraps first in a desperate attempt to find a 1 yard out of 1/2 a yard.
and i guess technically there are 2 more tubs. i moved them down to our hall closet. one consists of fabric that will be used soon(ish) or at least has an intended purpose. the other tub is full of my un-finished projects.
well that's about it. i am quite happy this is done. maybe i'll clean up the sewing area and show you how its changed too!

am i taking crazy pills?

2010-07-22T15:21:00.000-07:00

cause it feels like i'm taking crazy pills.
why else would i think this:

was a good idea?

in case you can't tell (or are currently now in the fetal position crying 'why mary, why?) that is my fabric "stash" (other appropriate words:collection, obsession, monstrosity) and i decided that it was as good of a time as any to go through it.
i could probably list of about 30 other things i could have been doing. and then 60 other things that should be getting done. you know, because there's a new baby coming.
but, i wanted to send some fabric to my good friends aaron and emily who are in the process of adopting a baby, and emily is selling various items at her etsy store: the tulip patch and i thought i could easily help by sending some fabric their way (all proceeds from her etsy store go towards their adoption- and if anyone is looking to get me a baby present-which is not necessary- i'd love one of her cloth high chairs).
apparently to "find" fabric, i had to go through that whole mess.
i worked on it for about 10 minutes before becoming completely unmotivated. sam came upstairs to check on me, and i told him, "i'm not motivated anymore" and he surveyed the room and said, "oh geez, i hope not".
it was awfully nice of him to move ALL of that fabric out of our "second" kitchen (which doubles as a sleeping nook for babies and as a fabric room and is where our elliptical machine is so you can just imagine how easy it would be for me, nearly 9 months pregnant to navigate in it).
and as i was sorting through the fabric he did watch all the kids so i could be uninterrupted.
about an 1 hour into it, i was happy, i do love fabric.
about 1 hour and 1 minute, i was fed up. apparently i have been buying fabric like it was going out of style. also, i think i was purchasing fabric for my alter ego- you know, the person who has all the time in the world to do nothing but sew and create, and sew and create, and sew and create. its never a good sign when you realize you can categorize your SCRAPS into 3 separate tubs.
about 2 hours into it, i stopped for lunch.
then went back to it until sam had to leave for a meeting.
its to hot to be up there now, but when the sun sets, and i can stick a fan in the window, pop a movie on my computer, i have every intention of finishing it up.
i'm sure you can't wait to see :)

sprints

2010-07-18T06:00:00.000-07:00

that's kind of what i am calling my quick jaunts in the house: sprints. i am containing all of the cool air inside our dining room- perhaps when i take the time to vacuum up the popcorn,cheerios, graham crackers and other miscellaneous treasures from the floor and clean up the rest of the craziness i will take a picture so all of you can see just where my days are being had.
anyways- air in the dining room. i'm sort of installing a "quick, close the door" mantra for the rest of the family. i am finding that if i can sort of sprint (if you will) from small task to task and then immediately retreat to the cool of the dining room, my spirits are not as quickly diminished.
this worked saturday afternoon, but only when i had divided the children up. you see, the second i leave them alone, they become slightly less calm and loving then i'd like towards each other. so i usually have to stop what i am doing and race back to break up whatever disagreement has occurred (usually campbell yelling at mason to stop growling- she likes to growl- or mason getting upset that campbell has his feet on her chair- yup, we've got real problems here).
this is partly why i want to get up early in the morning, so that i can get up and get a few of my many cleaning projects done. then i think when i let the kids watch an afternoon heat movie (sam told me that in 95 degree heat at 8 1/2 months pregnant he isn't expecting parenting of the year, just that i'm attentive, loving, and here- i can do that) and maybe sew a little.
ok. i promise, no more posts about my cleaning desires and heat. unless of course i wake up tomorrow with central a/c and a personal live-in maid, that would definitely be post worthy.

**i wrote this post saturday afternoon- the kids stayed saturday night at sam's parents (thank you!) and i was able to get in 2 solid hours of uninterrupted cleaning. there is still a lot to do, but i think if i can get up an hour earlier than the kids for the next couple of mornings, i can slowly get it done.

6 weeks to go, really?

2010-07-17T14:13:00.000-07:00

pregnancy and the heat. not my recommended combination to anyone. and i will do all in my power to make sure this never happens to me again. give me my march/april/december due dates any day. the end of august. in california. in a non air-conditioned home.
ugh.
not that i'm saying a 5th baby is in our future. but sam and i are wise enough to stop saying "we are done" because it pretty much gets us pregnant every time.
i need a better system for managing the heat. right now all the kids and i are hauled up in my dining room- that's where the ac is. they've been having a snack and watching a movie. i really detest letting them watch movies through out the day, because it really creates little zoned out monsters.
i think i just need little small goals for every morning. if i can wake myself up early enough- like 5- and get a couple of cleaning or organizing projects done, and get dinner made (or at least ready to bake) then i can focus from like 7 ish on, only on the kids- schooling, projects, books, etc. from there we can really move as the heat moves throughout the house, finding cool pockets.
then in the afternoon, when some are napping, we can surround ourselves around the a/c and probably watch a movie, or something. i don't know.
i'm not trying to be a "debbie downer" it's just i am so behind in so many things. our house is really messy, i haven't cooked in awhile, and everything floating around in my brain to do, just isn't getting done.
i just need to catch up. what i really need, is my kids to be somewhere else from like 4 am to 10 am, then i could have that 6 hour window to CLEAN. once my house is clean, i can maintain it. right now, i can't- i'm struggling to try and get the basic projects done (you know, mold in the bathroom, a pink toilet from not washing it in a month, a kitchen floor that is disgusting, and a half organized family room that has no resemblance of organized).
i have a hard time functioning in mess. but right now, in the 3 pm heat of the day, i am resolved to perch in front of my ac, and watch my kids be calm and cool watching veggie tales.
maybe i will put crayons in front of them, so they at least are doing something else as well.

been up to

2010-07-16T13:55:00.001-07:00

well, i kind of thought i would have to sit down and really catch up on all the brilliance i have been doing. then i checked my pictures and realized i haven't done quite as much as i thought. i went through a sewing whirlwind before i left for my trip up north, and took some photos of things, but not of everything.
oh well, it hasn't been to crazy to blog, i just- haven't. and now, it "should" be 6 weeks till the baby comes, and my long list of things that i would love to accomplish is growing as fast as the weeds in my yard. and my weeds are tall. and unruly. and i have zero energy to go out in this horrible heat and try and tackle them. my list grows almost as much as sam's "honey-do" list, which he has just as much energy for as he's been working 60 hours week.
we are wiped.
and even as i write this post, my brain is going in way to many directions:
why is it still hot, even in the room that is supposed to have ac.
where did campbell just run off to with his nigh nigh's- can i take a nap too?
why don't i have the energy to sew?
why does my sciatic muscle have to bother me while standing or sitting?
the table in front of me is covered in mess.
the floor below me is covered in nasty food.
how is it still 3 hours till sam comes home?
oh, i hate this heat.
maybe sam will want to go to target?
writing this post is putting me to sleep.
i need to make so many lists.
if campbell's going to finish his kindergarten year in january, what should i do with him after that? try and get him enrolled in a charter school, or keep doing our own thing....
the ac in here sounds like it is working way to hard.
i think i might take a book and go downstairs and read, maybe nap with campbell.
what are the chances the kids will stay asleep till sam gets home?

ok, i seriously have wanted to delete this post about 50 times. so, to close the mindless dribble that has become my brain, i'll include a few photos over the last month (ish) of life and try to come back later with something more exciting.

a wall in my mom's garden

the back of a dress i made for mason

the front of the dress i made for mason, have i posted these before?

a tiny little purse i made for a friend, my own design, but nothing special let me tell you.

a whole group of coffee sleeves i made.

you might not believe this, but in the time it took me to write this boring post for all of you, sam came home early! like 2 1/2 hours early!
i am a happy girl.

intentions

2010-07-15T17:03:00.000-07:00

i know, i know- over a month and nothing. i fully intend to sit down and put up some really fun blogs for all to read, but first i had to come on and change a little something.
i have been getting non-stop comments from some foreign place- japan? korea? china? i don't know, i don't understand it at all, and i am getting it ALL the time. it's frustrating because i am believing that some of it is spam.
soooooo- i am going to switch my comments to post after i view them first. nothing personal, and all real comments will be posted.
just thought i'd let you know... i'll be back, soon- for more blogs.

the little project that could

2010-06-10T13:58:00.001-07:00

alternative title: why do i think i can sew?

i never officially made a list of things i wanted to accomplish in the next few weeks (incredibly boring post you can reference here) but one of the many things floating through my crowded brain has been to make little mason some summer dresses and bloomers. no big deal, i have tons of cute fabric, and the best thing about little girl clothes is that they are projects that don't take up a lot of time.

insert laughter here.

i found a yard of really pretty fabric that had tiny red and yellow flowers on it- lovely. i grabbed an "easy" mccall's capri pant pattern. did the xl size, because i wanted mason to be able to wear them next year too, and cut away.

the pants were really easy to sew together. i mean, i had 4 cut pieces, and it was done. elastic in the waist, and grabbed my daughter to try them on.

and they came up to about her little bum crack. they weren't too tight, there just wasn't any more room in the crotch- they just stopped.

now, i have had this problem with pants more times than i care to admit. so, i did what i usually do (no, not scream and cry and tear my project apart- that's what i used to do) i improvised.

so i took out my elastic, seam ripped out my casing, and cut out about 3 inches of muslin to add to the top of the pants and give them more height.

if i were to call, lack of crotch room problem #1, here would be problem #2: i figured that since the muslin was the same on both sides, meaning in my head there was no wrong side, it didn't matter how i attached it to my fabric. so i sewed it on, pinned down my casing for the elastic.

it was at that moment, needle in the fabric ready to go, when i realized that my slight slip of the brain had made it so the right side of the bloomers was showing the exposed seam of where the muslin attached.

well here i am, already re-doing this bloomer project, and now, the casing is complete and i am what, going to rip out again?

nope. i sewed my casing and then flipped my bloomers over and ran a row of zig zag over the exposed edge (where the muslin and fabric met) tacking it down.

it looks raw and rad. and like i was too lazy to rip it out, especially when i realized- no one is going to see the tops of these bloomers.

ok- bloomers 1 done. sure, my waist measurement of the elastic was way to big, and has had to be readjusted 3 times. but they are cute.

so. in all my brilliance i decided that i must immediately tackle this bloomer project again, and outsmart the pattern.

in my first attempt they were to short in the waist and oddly long in the length, so when i cut out the next set of bloomers, i first added 3 inches to the top, and instead of the xl length, i did the medium length.

what a clever girl am i, right?

so, imagine my surprise when i complete the bloomers and go to start my casing that i realize somehow i have created the exact same problem. there was no crotch to these pants.

what?!?!?!?!

i was fairly annoyed. and sat staring at them, bewildered. so i decided, fine- i'll just add fabric to these and try this again (supervised). but then i thought- no. i won't learn if i keep "improvising".

so. argh. i took the bloomers completely apart. it wasn't so painful. i sat upstairs with the kids, watching them play (supervising the chaos) while i carefully plucked out seams.

then, took my fabric pieces back downstairs, and discovered my problem.

somehow when i was "following" the "easy pattern" i had somehow screwed it up and sewed my pants together upside down. the pant legs became my waist line, and the waist line- the legs.

and i am pretty confident (as all the pants i have made are to short in the crotch) i have been doing this on every pair of pants.

i tried countless times to re-read the pattern to follow it correctly. and just couldn't. i grabbed another "easy" pattern with a similar pant. nope. nowhere in the 3 steps could i figure out how on earth i had screwed up.

so, i grabbed the Little Stitches for Little One's (i think that's the title) and used amy butler's wonderful wordiness to my advantage. she had bloomer pants assembled in a different way, and i followed her instructions, and viola! bloomers that looked right!

this is an already long post, but i have to mention that both these bloomers were made to go with little dresses i had already made but that needed to be fixed, one was this christmas dress:

remember, i couldn't figure out how to do the elastic casing in the arms? hello wings.

and this pillowcase dress of mason's.

which has been changed now 3 times. the other two are here and here.

ok, i think that's enough talking about it- here's the final outlook, modeled by my beautiful daughter.

the bloomers are a bit long- and honestly, way to big in the waist, but i have already shortened the elastic.

the traditional ties of the pillowcase dress were impossible to keep tied and on her arms. so i cut them off and made simple straps with elastic thread.

can you tell (in these terrible photos) how much more straight legged these pants are? the dress is still a bit "wing-ed" but looks better.

the oddest thing about the 2 different bloomers is that i do like the style of the red and yellow floral ones. they look almost like pants. i think i may try and trace the pattern (upside down) and sew it together the correct way- so that i can make little pants for boys. the green daisy bloomers look a little girlie, but i do think that a little smaller and they'd make good shorts for henry or campbell.

we'll see, now i am off to try my luck at another project. i want to make each of the kids a little cinch bag, something new and special to fill with car toys and treats for our future road trip. 12 hours, 3 kids. yikes.

i sew!

2010-05-29T07:00:00.000-07:00

and i have been sewing more. which means that my living room corner is currently lost to a pile of fabric. i tend to think that if i am going to prep (pick out and cut fabric out) for one project, then why not do 10? this thinking has lead to a huge pile of unfinished (due to lack of interest) projects.

but still, sometimes just playing with fabric is half the fun.

my pictures aren't great, but i really love this bag. i had wanted to make a simple black bag for awhile now (try over 2 years- which was how long i have had this fabric) and i had been planning on following a pattern, but then i thought- well, i think i can come up with something on my own.

and presto- i did.

3 series of pleats here at the bottom of the bag. if you look closer in the top picture you can see that the sides of the bottom of the bag tend to stick or pucker out, i decided to not curve or gusset the purse, and i am very happy with how this turned out.

2 small pockets for organizing.

one little pleat at the top of the bag- and i did pleat the lining as well. the bag needed a little something else, so i just traced some petals on felt and threw together this little prototype flower. once i did one, i figured out how i could better do them (you know simple things like matching your top-stitching thread).

more sewing projects to come! when motivation strikes that is.

oh, and seeing that i did come up with this bag from the juices in my brain, technically this is something i could sell.

technically.

the jacks are gone.

2010-05-26T13:38:00.000-07:00

there are some people who really don't watch tv. some aren't interested in it, some don't own a tv, and some just have better things to do with their time (and believe me, i can imagine if i completely cut tv out of my life- or any electronic stimulus for that matter- i would a valley of time open to be filled), sadly i do not fall into that category. i love tv.

not all tv. i don't watch everything on the "tube" but i enjoy to relax at the end of a tired day, and since i have become a parent everyday is a tired day and i have found that sometimes sam and i can muster nothing more but than to enjoy each others company and follow some plot line along.

i grew up in a family that watched tv (and we all still do) and i have unbelievable mad skills in television trivia. seriously. i know more about tv shows that i don't watch than people will have about shows they do watch.

it comes from reading a lot of tv guide as a child, and genetics i know i inherited from my dad. he has the ability to basically place any actor/actress/director in any work that have done. i have taken that skill and added other abilities to it as well.

if they have a tv only jeopardy, well- i'd be rich. which is sad to write that i would only be rich on jeopardy based on tv knowledge, i'm definitely not "dumb" but i am not a genius.

just skilled in retaining really useless knowledge.

why a post about tv?

because something should be said about how in 2 days, 3 legendary (well in my opinion) shows ended their reign. one that was planned years ago to end in 2010, one that decided mid-season to conclude, and one that was utterly given the shaft by the stupid nbc and if i didn't find 30 rock to be so stinkin' funny i'd swear off the network completely.

sorry.

LOST, 24, and law and order, are over. LOST has been said to have changed the way people see television with creative plots, characters, and just utter awesome-ness. 24 was ground-breaking in the idea of doing a show that occurred in real time and staring a chuck norris'esque character that couldn't be stopped: jack bauer. and then there's my favorite: law and order, which aired on network tv for 20 years.

3 shows, 3 main actors that ruled all by the name of jack.

i really love that name.

i have yet to watch the finales of 24 or law and order, but that will happen soon enough. i think its said as an adult to watch things end. bittersweet maybe. it's a reminder about growing up, putting a "remember when" on the beginning of sentences sam and i will start:

remember staying up till 2am watching all of day 1? (24)

remember crashing in hotel rooms on vacation, never leaving the room (not for why you think) but because the hotel had cable and tnt does law and order marathons every other day?

remember constantly battling out our lost theories hours after the show would end?

thank goodness for tv on dvd. i have good memories of these shows simply because of who i watched them with.

its weird to think that this new baby will be born in a "jack-less" world....

just kidding, i am not that weird.

well, i did just blather on an entire post about television.

hmmm.....

forever changing.

2010-05-24T17:12:00.000-07:00

remember how happy i was to have a tiny little room for my sewing? that didn't last. the room is still there (currently my fabric habitat) but the practicality i had hoped that room would provide, well... it just didn't. someday a sewing room will be wonderful- when i have the opportunity to truly shut myself off for hours at a time, but honestly, right now i just don't have that. so if i "want" to sew (wanting.... hmmmm.... some days i really just want to lay on the couch, vegging, and dreaming of all the things i could create) i need to be where my children are. it's not a bad thing at all, pretty soon i'll be teaching campbell to use a seam ripper because i believe my sewing will go quicker if i don't have to constantly fix a mess-up.

i am already getting side-tracked with this post.

back to it- the original sewing space i had created has moved. one of my favorite features of our new house is the separate dining space we have created. i will be very sad when this room slowly disappears into the great room remodel we will have- but that is a future project. in this room, we eat, the kids eat (these things do occur separately at times- for sanity sake), i home-school campbell and mason, the kids color, and i craft. this room was technically a bedroom, so it has a wonderful closet that holds all of my crafting supplies and all of my home-schooling books.

at first (sorry, no pictures) our round table was in the center of the room, and we had a hollow box acting as a seat bench (this was full of my crafting supplies). however, this room is small- and having the table center made it incredibly frustrating to navigate around the room.

anyways. when sam was gone earlier this month trying to climb mt. hood (it just didn't work out) i moved my sewing machine in here (and all that goes with it, iron and ironing board) and set it up on the table, and for the second time since we've lived here: i sewed.

and that's when i realized, i have to be near my sewing machine to sew.

um... duh, but i think you get what i mean.

so, sam brought down the sewing table and pushed our round table into the corner. my ironing board is often set up in a separate corner- but when i am really having a sewing lapse (or company over) i can put it in the adjacent closet.

so know, when the kids are taking forever to eat their meal, or working on a project- i can sit close by, prepping a project, running a few stitches, or whatever else my heart desires.

it is already a wonderful fit. and already the table has evolved.

the closet

the sewing table, stage 1

stage 2: adding a little fabric flare

stage 3: getting more of the practicalities there.

my hope is to hang wonderful fabric covered bulliten boards on the wall above my sewing machine, to pin fabric and other wonderful sewing inspiration.

i have been creating, and will share soon.

fabric is a girls best friend

2010-05-16T10:44:00.000-07:00

i love getting mail! real mail. where something is waiting for you in your mailbox that isn't asking for money from you. i get a lot of emails. and a lot of facebook messages. but rarely is there something awaiting me in my mail box.

so imagine my utter glee when a small package was sitting in my mailbox last night! we had just gotten home from our 4 hour drive from yosemite (post and pictures to come) and were pretty tired, but i just had to check to see if any important mail had come.

so not only was there a little package addressed to me- but it was full of the most wonderful thing: fabric!

my favorite thing about blogging is that you meet people you might not have met. i think i have said before that it has kind of become the next generation of pen pals. you are able to connect and encourage and develop friendships.

i met christina through her wonderful blog: the sometimes crafter , although that title is very underrated- this gal is always crafting. through her creativity i have found new creative wings myself.

but even more than that- i found a great friend! i love that comments on blogs turn into emails, that turn into friends giving advice, sharing stories and laughter, and encouragement.

if you haven't seen her blog, you really should- it's awesome.

oh, that's right- why am i gushing on about christina? because she was the sender of this wonderful little fabric bouquet. just because. i am super excited, so touched, and now trying to search my mind for a project that will adequately use these beautiful fabrics (i mean other than placing them all in a vase and just staring at them on my sewing table- which i will do until i use them!)

thank you, thank you so much for such a wonderful gift to me, it made my day (well it will probably make my week!).

i am so excited that in just a few short weeks we will actually get to meet in person!

it's coming.

2010-05-13T11:41:00.000-07:00

well maybe not today, but if i have baby #4 a week early (which is the plan) then really, its less than 15 weeks till we abandon the crazy of 3 and enter the mad world of 4 kids ages 4 and under. yikes. i am not sure which is more "yikes" worthy- the 15 weeks to go, or the 4 kids. although, newborns (my newborns) just sleep and sleep and sleep. and nurse. so really, its just working around that. i am not nearly as terrified with this baby coming as i was with switching from 2-3, i am really excited to meet this mystery baby. i am 99% sure most days what the baby is, then i start to doubt myself. i am planning on one specific sex, but will be absolutely shocked (like, are you sure that's my baby? shocked) if it comes out differently. i am pretty stinking excited about the nice 6 week break sam will take when our new baby comes. we've been saving up our starbucks stock, plus the money he'll get from the state, and it will make for a wonderful 2 months of baby-hood. we are planning on taking the family to zion national park sometime in the beginning of october (when it is apparently the best time to go). i've already told sam that we are driving super slow to get there- it will not be a drive there in one day kind of stint. we will probably stop through las vegas (where i have technically never really been) and find one of those fantastically cheap hotels (because they really want you to gamble, and let me tell you something- while in new orleans we went into a casino and i absolutely hated it, money tends to stress me out- when i am not trusting- and i just can't seem the appeal in playing a game where they take your money) and maybe do something fun with the kids.

15 weeks to go.

when i was new to blogging and pregnant with little henry i did a big weekly countdown with goals and such for each week, and quite honestly, i think it must have been very snooze worthy for the few readers i had (so snooze worthy it isn't worth posting a link to those old posts- i just put worthy/worth and posting/post in the same sentence, hmmmm) but i like having a countdown of sorts.

so instead of having many separate goals per week, i will probably just have a goal a week. or maybe just 14-15 goals- well, lets say 15 goals- here's #1: pick goals.

phew. better get started on that one. they probably won't be weekly, simply because i have the crazy notion that one will be something radical like: sew all Christmas gifts in July.

i'm not crazy. sewing all gifts in july might be crazy, but in all reality, with the amount of gifts i make- christmas is just knocking at the door.

so, that's about it- 14 "things" to accomplish, to represent what little time i have left before the baby comes. it will be really hard to just stick to 14, because already i am thinking, well how about 14 things to sew, 14 things in the house, 14 things to cook....

stop mary, stop.

and i will. because henry is crying in his bed, and mason is crying outside.

wish me luck sticking to 14 things, because seriously, the head is swimming!

outings.

2010-04-28T15:27:00.000-07:00

the weather here has been crazy. i am pretty confident that in a few short weeks you will hear the never-ending complaining coming from my mouth on the heat. our new little house has energy efficient windows and ceiling fans. i need to find a window that will open correctly for our little ac, because i have never been fully pregnant during a summer in california and i am very much afraid.

monday it was beautiful. high 70's, clear skies- the kids played outside all day. and then monday night the storms came in, and yesterday it rained all day. and today it has done pretty much the same (with the exception of wild hail storms).

so when i just before 7 am to ice cold feet on my nice warm back (campbell) and realized the dreadful rain was going to keep my energetic kids bouncing off the walls, i decided to do what i really never ever do. venture out with them.

if this blog serves as any kind of AA- mine would be this: ATGOWMKIPA

translation: afraid to go out with my kids in public anonymous (side note, i spelled anonymous correct my first attempt!)

hi, my name is mary.

it's true. i am constantly afraid of the crazy that will occur. and because my fear is becoming "that women" everyone is a store is looking at as she drags her screaming child away from something..... well, i prefer to stay in my own 4 walls and watch the madness occur without any judgement.

but today was different. sam's heading out for 4 long days as he climbs mt. hood (he climbed last may, but didn't summit-aka, make it to the top) and i just knew i couldn't start my alone time already frustrated by the unfortunate side affect the rain causes my children.

so where did our great adventure take us?

first we stopped and had coffee and scones with sam. all of sam's customers love seeing the little mini sams as we come into the store. its fun. and i really needed more coffee. had i not got the perfect spot right in front of his store, i might not have braved the pouring rain. after fueling up we headed to:

target.

but we did go all the way to roseville (45 minutes away) and as we started our jaunt in the store, i let campbell and mason each pick our a very inexpensive toy. it was their preemptive reward for behaving (and this really worked, because they were very content). i "helped" campbell select a 97 cent toy car (because he really doesn't need anymore toys) and mason got a tiny little baby doll (that had a backpack with a bottle and keys).

2 happy toddlers, and one baby strapped to my chest. he really can't be there much longer, his new sibling won't love being kicked and squished by a big brother.

from target- to winco. i know, we really know how to have a good time. but we needed some staples, and i kept thinking that strapped to me and in a grocery cart was better than watching them tear our house apart.

it was slightly better. the kids were happy, eventually campbell had to get out of the cart to make room for more groceries. he kept suggesting food, but didn't get mad if i said no. we had one moment that i was sure was going to turn into the biggest disaster in the world (a kind of disaster that would have me never venturing out again). i turned from grabbing something canned to see campbell with the biggest GLASS jar of pickles you could imagine. it must have been the grace of God that i made it to him and the glass before disaster occurred.

by the end of grocery shopping, henry was flipping out in the sleepy wrap. no big surprise- he was 3 hours past a much needed nap, and had created something quite unpleasant in his diaper. as i was loading my groceries up onto the belt (wait, i never remember this part of grocery shopping- oh yea, sam does that) and then packing my groceries into bags (again, what? oh yeah, sam....) i did at one point think briefly about leaving the paid groceries where they were and fleeing.

you see, i had put henry in the empty cart so he would stop fighting me for freedom. only to realize how quickly i needed to be filling the cart with bags of groceries. i somehow trapped my purse strap in the sleepy wrap making it unable to get him back in it (all the while having the most foul smell in my face) and to top it off campbell kept trying to push the cart away from me.

but. no horrid screaming incidents. no potty emergencies at the wrong time. no meltdowns.

of course, as i exited winco it had started to rain. no worries, i had the perfect george spot. i was able to keep my groceries dry, strap in campbell and mason, and then change henry. of course, my back was absolutely drenched as i changed him, because the foul smell had exploded everywhere- including his clothes.

however, groceries got loaded (even though i was willing any bystander to take them so i wouldn't have to deal with them, as i remembered- sam usually loads them in the van and unloads them for me) and we headed off to (don't judge me) wendy's for lunch. where after finishing my food, i went back through the drive-thru for a frosty for me and the kids.

everyone was very happy.

we filled up the van with much cheaper gas prices, i started "a bug's life" and watched henry and mason fall asleep for part of the drive.

pulled into grass valley about the same time the sky opened up and started a downpour mixed with rain and hail. sure. i ran into the house, switched out of my flip flops and unloaded the groceries while the kids watched their movie. then headed back to sam's store (really just to drive around while the kids happily finished their movie) and while we were there, lighting filled the sky as the same time thunder crashed above and then: HAIL. it was awesome.

awesomer that i had to drive home and unload the kids in all of it.

but we survived. i survived. and now i sit for a quiet moment, and share the great adventures we had today. the house is a little bit messy, the kids are "napping"- hey, they are in their beds and not fighting at my feet, that is fine.

maybe i will be able to handle 4 kids. i figure if i don't practice letting campbell walk around on his own, release a little of my fear and trepidation on going out in public with my crew, then i will just completely isolate myself instead. and that isn't good for me or for the kids.

however, if you hear any "crazy red-headed woman what looked like a small daycare" stories on the news, just smile and maybe pray :)