no man can walk out on his own story

i am TRYING.
i haven't been blogging. i've been with my children. i've been with my weimar family. i've been spending time in God's Word. i've been controlling my words, and keeping my thoughts captive.
i am sitting in the dark, in a dome house. i am texting my friend's 16 year old daughter- who is also my friend- who sits in the loft above me. the sound here travels like crazy. she can hear me open my york peppermint patty. she can probably here my music from the headphones. its loud. because i like it loud.
its been a long day. and i should be sleeping. resting my head on the pillow.
i've slept on a couch every night but 2 for the last month. and i have loved it. i have crawled in the dark to this couch, while my children were nestled in their room. i have watched a family of 8 sacrifice time, space, and energy for me and my children. i have watched a family of 8 rally behind me and my 4 children and i have been cared for.
tomorrow night is my last night here. and i am sad.
a little more than 4 months ago, i choose to follow the Lord. i was given advice to leave my husband before i knew the truth about this adultery. i had told my story to a counselor and was told to divorce my husband and leave- that he was cheating on me, and had been for years.
i swallowed my pride, and called my dear friend, who i knew wouldn't let just walk off without seeking the Lord. i hadn't talked to her in 2 years, but she put everything aside, took care of my children and spent the day in God's Word with me, counseling me, and loving me. and i knew the truth, i couldn't leave without proof.
little did i know that hours later i would be back at her house. broken, crumbled, devastated to learn the beginning of what would be years and years of deception.
**side note. i am sitting in the dark- and i am absolutely rocking out to shine by the newsboys... its part of my new awesome newsboys playlist... i am a dork... who is replaying shine...**

weimar. i know i am not really leaving. that i have been given another family. that i am loved. but i am so very sad.
the kids and i are moving back into our house for a temporary season. i am not sure what God has in store for me or my kids, and i truly dread the idea of grass valley. but He has me there. for now. and i know that later, even if i realize why, or if i never do, that i will trust Him completely.
i have to Trust Him. i have absolutely no choice but to cling to His Truth. and to cling to it when so many lies are constantly being told to me.  and even though it is hard, i will trust Him, because He has it all under control.
i just kind of feel like when something happens, or doesn't work out the way i think it should go, i just need to sit back and think- okay, its a good thing i can Trust Him.
**what is better than the Newsboys?? am i 16? **

i recently looked up the word folly. it has several meanings. absurdity was my favorite. that is a random thought. enjoy.
i guess not totally random, as i have been dealing with some things that are just absurd.

but. as i sit here in the dark, knowing that there is someone close to me who is struggling to find herself in the Lord, i realize- hey, i am still working everyday to trust Him more, and to not freak out when the path He has me on has a tiny crack in it.... or  a huge boulder.... or huge flames of fury to walk through... or flames of absurdity.
He's still in control. He's always in control. He is always loving me. He is here for every step of this struggle. He knows that i can do this- if i can just cling to Him, and its almost like He is saying, please just let Me handle all this stuff in your life.
well, i know that He can do a much better job than me.
and i know that His plan for me, is better than my plan for me.

so. for today, for tomorrow, for forever- i will put my Trust in Him.
bring it on.
bombs away.

Psalm 71

1 In you, O Lord, I have taken refuge;
let me never be put to shame.

2 Rescue me and deliver me in your righteousness;
turn your ear to me and save me.

3 Be my rock of refuge,
to which I can always go;
give the command to save me,
for you are my rock and my fortress.

4 Deliver me, O my God, from the hand of the wicked,
from the grasp of evil and cruel men.

5 For you have been my hope, O Sovereign Lord,
my confidence since my youth.

6 From birth I have relied on you;
you brought me forth from my mother's womb.
I will ever praise you.

7 I have become like a portent to many,
but you are my strong refuge.

8 My mouth is filled with your praise,
declaring your splendor all day long.

9 Do not cast me away when I am old;
do not forsake me when my strength is gone.

10 For my enemies speak against me;
those who wait to kill me conspire together.

11 They say, “God has forsaken him;
pursue him and seize him,
for no one will rescue him.”

12 Be not far from me, O God;
come quickly, O my God, to help me.

13 May my accusers perish in shame;
may those who want to harm me
be covered with scorn and disgrace.

14 But as for me, I will always have hope;
I will praise you more and more.

15 My mouth will tell of your righteousness,
of your salvation all day long,
though I know not its measure.

16 I will come and proclaim your mighty acts, O Sovereign Lord;
I will proclaim your righteousness, yours alone.

17 Since my youth, O God, you have taught me,
and to this day I declare your marvelous deeds.

18 Even when I am old and gray,
do not forsake me, O God,
till I declare your power to the next generation,
your might to all who are to come.

19 Your righteousness reaches to the skies, O God,
you who have done great things.
Who, O God, is like you?

20 Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter,
you will restore my life again;
from the depths of the earth
you will again bring me up.

21 You will increase my honor
and comfort me once again.

22 I will praise you with the harp
for your faithfulness, O my God;
I will sing praise to you with the lyre,
O Holy One of Israel.

23 My lips will shout for joy
when I sing praise to you—
I, whom you have redeemed.

24 My tongue will tell of your righteous acts
all day long,
for those who wanted to harm me
have been put to shame and confusion.

 

so. there is most definitely that.

yesterday and today

yesterday was wonderful. yesterday i woke up, choosing the Lord and what He wants instead of what it is that i want. and when i set aside what i want, i am left with amazing peace in Him. He doesn't leave you empty. seeking Him, His desires, His will, being obedient to Him, there is security and safety in that.  it is truly no different than while i train my children. when i direct them back to truth, and back to choosing to obey and not disobey, they have peace and freedom in knowing their boundaries. my Father is no different that that. He is a loving Father.
yesterday i woke up being thankful that i had breath. because, really- that is a luxury. He controls my breaths. He knows when i take my last one. every morning i am here is an opportunity to serve Him.
yesterday i chose to look at the work He put before me and went forth to do good for Him.
yesterday i was also sad, and struggled with feeling impatient, felt the irritating itch of selfishness and needed to motivate myself.
yesterday, i spent time in the Word with a sweet 16 year old girl.
yesterday, i laid on the floor, drawing numbers for the Lord and sang worship songs with a very sweet 15 year old girl while my henry sat on my back.
yesterday, at one point, 10 children were in my care. and we ran around a mountain top, playing freeze tag and duck duck goose.  we ate rice and beans, and let ice cream sandwiches make our fingers sticky.
yesterday, i was forgiven because He was forsaken. i was accepted, because He was condemned.
yesterday, i was a wretched sinner who remembers the cross, and my King who hung for my sins.
yesterday, the words, "when we don't get what we deserve, its a real good thing, when we get what we don't deserve, its a real good thing" hit my heart.
yesterday, i laid in bed with my oldest (in years of friendship) friend in the world.
yesterday, my children sat at my feet and played. 
yesterday, my best friend and i connected.
yesterday, i found my purpose in He who made me and loves me.
yesterday i realized that peace comes alone from Him. and it is a peace that surpasses all understanding.

today, is wonderful. i woke up, and i again chose the Lord. however, i woke up, snuggling on the couch next to my oldest child.
today, i sipped coffee while full of 11 people bustled around me.
today, i watched people paint and create.
today, a very helpful 13 year old girl detailed my van along with her brothers.
today, i served roughly 14 people lunch with a lot of joy in my heart.
today, i watched my children run around barefoot with smiles on their faces.
today, i listened to two 4 year olds find themselves in their own creative play world.
today, i cling to the truth that He is in control. that He nothing happens without His knowing.
today, i do the work that He has put in front of me, i love my children, i train and teach them, and i love those around me.
today, i am forgive because He was forsaken. i was accepted, because He was condemned.
today, i am a wretched sinner who remembers the cross, and my King who hung for my sins.
today, i am filled with love and peace for my Savior.
today, at the end of the day i am tired, waiting for 4 little people to fall asleep.
today, i find comfort in a few verses of God's Word, rather than chapters.
today, i trust in the Lord, and lean not on my own understanding of anything, but rest in Him, and commit myself to Him.
today, i am blessed by God's faithfulness.
today, i carry a beautiful bouquet of flowers from 10 little people.
today, music blasts in my ears.
today, i do the work He has for me, and not worry about tomorrow, but serve Him in love.

and then, there will be tomorrow.

Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever

Hebrews 13:8

Psalm 37

i have the most wonderful best friend. i have bragged about her a time or two. or maybe more. i asked her many weeks ago to keep Psalm 37: 7-9 at the ready for me. because i text her when i am in pain. when i am burdened. i also text her quite frequently when i am hungry. and when i have strong desires for york peppermint patties.
my wonderful best friend will sense my mood by my texts- because a best friend can do that- and she will simply ask me, "is this a Psalm 37 moment?".
and i will respond, "when isn't it?".

be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him; do not fret when men succeed in their ways, when they carry out their wicked schemes.  refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret- it leads only to evil. for evil men will be cut off, but those who hope in the Lord will inherit the land.

every word of God is flawless, he is a shield to those who take refuge in him.

proverbs 30:5 

have i mentioned that i am thankful for the Word of God? that the Word of God is how the Creator of the Universe allows me- a wretched sinner- draw near to Him? 

this moment isn't a Psalm 37: 7-9 moment. this moment is a Psalm 37: 3-6:

trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart. commit your way to the Lord; trust in him and he will do this: He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun.

trusting. trusting. like standing on the edge of a cliff with my arms stretched open wide and letting myself fall forward- knowing that my Savior is at the bottom ready to catch me. 

trusting.  

trusting in the Lord with all my heart, leaning not on any understanding I have, committing myself and my ways and my life to Him, acknowledging Him in all my ways in all my life, and trusting in my trustworthy Father, that He WILL make my paths straight.

 He will do it. He has me.

trust in the Lord and do good.  what is it that i am doing? my work. the work that the Lord has given me. and my work primarily comes in the form of 4 little blue-eyed blessings from the Lord.  this is the work He has given me. and He asks me- He commands me- to do good:

Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might (Ecclesiastes 9:10)

Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters, (Colossians 3:23)

  dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.

my children and i are nestled up in hills in Weimar. my mother stumbled upon a church family when she was 15 and since then my family has been connected to this family. my dear friend Kecia, i have known well since i was 10 years old when she came and lived with me and my family. then when i was 17 i went and lived with her. two of her girls were in my wedding. and she was at the birth of 2 of my children. i have gone to her for encouragement in the Lord for the most major times in my life. 

and i do it because i know that when i walk in through her doors and into her arms that i am greeted only with the Word of God. not opinion, not assumption- but the Biblical truth- and sometimes chastisement and judgment that comes from the Truth of the solid rock that is the Word of God.

i am dwelling right now in the land and enjoying such safe pasture. i am in a place where loving and fearing and being obedient to the Lord is what is first. and for me- this is it. this is delighting in the Lord. this is the desire of my heart. to draw close to the Lord, to commit my way to the Lord. to trust in Him.

my heart swells right at this moment with true happiness. my two little boys are nestled, content, down for a nap. i am watching a wonderful young woman give my two older children an art lesson on a deck where i can see trees and endless hills of my Creator's truly awesome creation.

 He is my portion. His compassions are new everyday. and He has not forsaken me. He has not abandoned me. and He is my All in All. 

and He fills me with thankfulness, and when i am not thankful, then i run the risk of complaining. and what? am i the craziest woman in the world to complain to my Sovereign Lord? 

sometimes. so i repent, confess my sinful heart, and return to my thankfulness. i fear not. i love Him.

272)  my beautiful friend Kecia. the closest thing i have ever had to an older sister. my sister in Christ. a woman who has opened her home, given me and my children plenty of room, and has held my hand and cried tears with me as i pull closer to the Lord.

273) having a true example of Proverbs 31 being lived out in front of me. its like the Super Nanny... but Proverbs 31 style. i'm 2 days in to consistency with my children and the fruits are budding. 

274) beautiful sunny weather. and reversible skirts. because otherwise, this sudden shift in climate change would be dreadful.

275) my parents generosity and support. their loving kindness to me. the sacrifices they have made not only for me but for my children. knowing they want what is best for me.

276) as usual: ear buds. i might write better when my Bible is open and my phone is perched on it, music playing in my ears, the Word of God open to my heart.

277) six wonderful children that are serving me and my children. new friends for my babies. kindness and goodness for my children to see. fun to be had. a great outdoors to be explored.

278) popcorn popped in oil and then covered in the perfect amount of butter and salt. and then eating it with friends late at night. the sharing of grease covered fingers and smiles. the wonderful blessings that the Lord gives us.

279) seeing how the Lord using this situation in my life to show me how important the training of my children truly is. there are consequences to sin, to all sin, to my sin, to sin. and consequences hurt. we want to be obedient to God. i will be obedient to God. i will seek Him. i will put my hope in Him. and i will teach my children, i will take the responsibility of my God given work and i will love them, and raise them in Truth.

280) tears that flow so fast from my eyes down my cheeks. they represent how the Lord is working in my life. how He is changing my heart, how is molding me in this trial to be more use for Him.

281) Joy.

He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun.

i don't know how this will look. i don't need to shine for myself, i surely don't want to shine for myself, i want to shine for the Lord, i want to glorify Him. i want to remember that my actions are for Him. that i raise my children for Him, that i serve and love others for Him. 

but be sure to fear the Lord and serve him faithfully with all your heart; consider what great things he has done for you.

1 Samuel 12: 24

the long silence.

a very purposeful silence from the blog. and maybe i shouldn't be blogging. maybe. but i miss it. my mind races with so many thoughts that i want to share, and often times a facebook status update just doesn't suffice what it is that i want to say.

i filed for divorce. i am not going to publicly talk about this process. i will say this: i know that i haven't handled the last 3 months perfectly. i will not defend myself, i will simply say that the Lord has used every day that i have had over the last 3 months to teach me that i must draw myself closer to Him and Him alone. and He has shown me that His Grace is enough. it is enough. i wish i could say that i knew exactly how to think and feel over the last 3 months. but 10 years of my life had literally blown up in my face. the feelings of thinking i was crazy were gone, the reality of my life, the gravity of sin, and the fact that i needed my Savior more than anything brought about a lot of powerful emotions from me.
the Lord has set my feet on a new path. there are some people who stay married after something like this happens. those people have my respect, and i know that the Lord gives them the strength to do it. this is my choice. and i have made it. i have no doubts, no regrets, not one. i may sound harsh or brutal, and if you have specific questions for me, feel free to message me.
the biggest thing that i know, is that i want to live my life to Glorify the Lord, and to serve others. and that the most important thing outside of my relationship with the Lord is loving and training my little ones. that is it. the Lord knew how the desire of my heart was to be a mother, and He has given me- and sam- 4 truly wonderful children. and they are what matters now. and the Lord is giving me great joy in them. i see more of Him. i can begin to understand my own Father/daughter relationship with God as i think about being a mother. and i like that.
my priorities have just so completely shifted. and i'm not perfect. i'll never be. but i serve the Lord, and He is, and i am just going to keep moving towards Him. and know that ultimately there is a goal that i will reach- Heaven.
i want to glorify the Lord with my words, with my actions. and yes. i am not going to do it perfectly. but the Lord is teaching me. He is. and it is a measurable change. i know that i can look for the fruit of the spirit as fruits in my life that must be there.
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. Galatians 5:22-23

i am not perfect.
but. i am finding joy in my Savior. its a weird thing to explain how this has changed in me, without sounding like a cross between a nut and a dork: a nurk.
but. lately when i talk about the Lord, and Jesus, and the cross, i am starting to get that feeling i have wanted. where my stomach feels like it has dropped five floors suddenly. like how i feel every time i hear this:

No guilt in life, no fear in death

This is the power of Christ in me

From life's first cry to final breath

Jesus commands my destiny

No power of hell, no scheme of man

Can ever pluck me from His hand

Till He returns or calls me home

Here in the power of Christ I'll stand

i seriously cry, every time. and i hope that never changes. i hope when i think about exactly what Jesus has done for me, and how He has me, and how He is controlling everything, i hope that reality always brings me to tears.
joy.
and gentleness. i am not a quiet girl. but i am a happy girl. there is a happiness deep inside that swells more and more every day: that is Christ in me! that is the miracle of what He can do. how the worst of situations can and will be used to bring Him glory. gentleness isn't happiness. but i am finding the moments where i have been harsh and am seeking gentleness.
there is a lot of pausing. a lot of:

My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, James 1:9
i am not perfect. this does not come out of me every time. but i can stand before the Lord and say that i am trying. i am.

i have a teachable heart. and i have a desire to serve and seek the Lord constantly and every day, AND, i have the deep desire and conviction to show Christ to my children.
being a mother is a humbling thing. because i tell you, when you realize you are suppose to be the primary example of loving and serving people, and loving and serving our Lord, the primary example to little people... well, i am really just a wretched and horrid sinner who needs the Lord. desperately. with every breath that i have. if He isn't in my breath, then it isn't worth anything.

my Gus sends me the same passage reference frequently. she knows me. she knows when He isn't in my breath, but instead frustrations that are mounting.
and i get this: Psalm 37:7-9

Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him;
do not fret when men succeed in their ways,
when they carry out their wicked schemes.

Refrain from anger and turn from wrath;
do not fret—it leads only to evil.
For evil men will be cut off,
but those who hope in the LORD will inherit the land.

do not fret. do not fret. do not fret.

i am a fretter.
and i've been known to be a worrier.
and impatient.

but. fretting leads to evil. and i will not be evil.
and why worry? not a sparrow falls that the Lord doesn't know about. He knows what i need. and I have a God who listens to my prayers. and who will sustain me.
and patience. goodness. i didn't fully realize what an impatient person i was until all of this happened. yuck.
but the biggest thing i have right now is thankfulness. i am an imperfect, wretched sinner. and i tell you, i am constantly thinking of the cross. i am constantly thinking of the Lord on the cross. for me. for all of my sins. i am thinking of a God who loves me enough to send His son for the sins of the world. i am thinking of where my true treasure is. i an thinking about what i can do for Him. i am thankful.
and even though this is a long post. i want to share just a few things this evening that i am thankful for.

262) holding on to hope.

263) listening to an album that has been in my itunes library for ever: mumford and sons. i hadn't really ever listened to it before. and i feel like a fool for not. i am so behind in the times. although, i am wearing jeans with a bit of flare right now, and i am not quite sure if i am way ahead, or way behind. oh well. i am not a put together girl. i am a: how many layers does it take to hide the lack of exercise plus addition of apple pie eating weight gain.

264) it takes 3 layers. but who's counting? i'm not. i still do worry... and tend to fret- but fret leads to evil... i don't want the way i look to become an idol of my heart. i want to spend more time serving others, loving my children, and in the Word. which is honestly what has taken the place of my usual exercise. but. i am not snacking at night anymore (okay, the last 2 nights.. but still) and that is exercising self-control!

265) 4 little children that i can throw my tennis shoes on and race around outside after. exercise will be had, just not what i thought it would be. just like this path that the Lord has me on, not what i thought, but it is here.

266) my brother eric. he hung out with me and the kids as we are up in a new place. he helped clean up the house every night (okay, again 2 nights) and my dad will be home soon, and it is not clean. its kinda clean. but not clean. and i'm blogging and dancing to mumford and sons and not cleaning.

267) so i'm thankful for a dad who finds a lot of joy in cleaning. and cuts me some slack.

268) for coming to northern california for a visit. its been 3 long months since the kids have seen there papa (sam's dad) and as happy as they will be to see their dad and their nana, there is a certain papa who needs a bit of joy.

269) remembering that india oven is waiting for me at the end of that long drive. gus... india oven is waiting for me at the end of that long drive.

270) marv. a great-grandpa i met at mcdonalds today. his great-grand daughter was sharing frys with henry. he loved the kids blue eyes. who doesn't. my kids have sam's eyes. i'm the green eyed gal. my kids have the beautiful eyes that come from their dad. marv asked me if i went to church. we talked about the Lord, and how He is always with me. awesome. just awesome. he also told me i'm a baby-making machine. yup.
i was.

271) the house in eatonville. the kids and i are up here while a susan powell documentary is being shot at my parents house in puyallup. seriously. seriously. my decision to go to northern california on friday happened about 2 hours ago. i forgot that most- ok all- of my clothes are in the puyallup house. great. oh well. i've got my beanie. and 2 reversible skirts. what more do i really need? i love this house. i want to stay here, until it is time for us to return permanently to northern california.

so. that's about it. i hope to blog more. i hope to be here. i hope in Him.

after you take vitamin c

there are some days that i want to be over. just over. that would be today. and yes, i have made it to 9:25 and the day is over. almost. i'm just waiting for hot water to boil to add to my already used tea bag. hot tea, my favorite beanie (its too nice to even call it a beanie Gus), and my covers. i'm cold.
oh, i'm sick as well.
somehow, i had a super un-fun cold before i left for my trip down to california. you can ask Gus, when she came to see me up here i had zero voice. and somehow, thankfully, for my sunday-tuesday trip my cold was simply the occasional sniffle and cough.
enter today. my chest hurts from coughing. my head aches from blinking- do you even realize how often you blink? its a lot. like a lot. blinking is lame.
but, i am thankful. i am super thankful. because if i complain, i am questioning who God is, and why oh why am i sick.
i am thankful.

245) 4 sweet little faces that came running in my front door this morning.

246) a new friend who came by to help out my dad, he could probably hire himself out as a child jungle gym- cause that's what my kids thought he was. that and a train expert, and a barbie princess dresser, and a ball kicker. and a fellow believer in Christ.

247) favorite mugs with draping tea bags.

248) knowing i am not alone in this, and listening to mumford and sons remind me of that as well.

249) a chocolate milkshake on a "i'm feeling fat day".

250) my dad for bringing me the said chocolate shake and for talking with me.

251) a dad that reschedules work to help out with his sick daughter's kids.

252) two phone calls from one of my favorite women in the world.

253) remembering that He wants me to cast all my cares upon Him. and that sometimes i need to recognize being sick and be still.

254) being still in a lot of chaos.

255) vanilla rooibos.

256) not losing hope, not losing joy, but being honest in saying, its a hard day- but that is what a trial will bring- trials aren't painless- but there is joy, you just have to have it.

257) psalms 116, 117, 118, and 119.

258) proverbs 3, 4, and 5

259) well, really all of God's Word.

260) committing my ways to the Lord, leaning not on my own understanding, trusting in Him, and loving Him.

261) for the simple things the Lord has made, like how you don't ever see one duck, but two: mr. and mrs. mallard.

love so amazing...

Back in the air. My still favorite song playing in my ears. Proverbs 3:5-6 being repeated and repeated in my mind. a short trip for me, but I will be back, so for those of you I didn't see- I will return!

I feel such peace. I feel like i am truly seeing the truth separates from the lies. I feel like I can stand solid in the Word of God and pull all of my confidence and strength from His truth- not my own understanding- but simply trusting in His loving goodness.

My comfort in Him is being so thoroughly developed: aha- so this is what a trial starts to do!!

I am in it.

This trial that was known before I was formed in my mothers womb- I will not complain- the second i complain I question who God is.

I have tried very purposefully to never ask "why", throughout all of this. There are so things I ask why about- but I never ask God "why did this happen", because I know why. We live in a fallen world, we are a sinful people in need of a Savior. I am a sinful woman in need of my Savior.

I will never be perfect- this is not an excuse or a cop-out: but He is perfect, and I will seek Him, I will seek Him everyday. Somedays i will fail miserably, and somedays I will be of use to my Lord.

I feel like I have been so lost, living in muddled confusion, desperate for the truth, and it was always there- He is the truth.

I finally feel found.

If you know me, you know I can't help my rock out with earbuds in, and I have a problems with air drumming, i have issues with corn in food where it shouldn't be (like outside of being on the cob) and I quote way to many tv shows.

There's a scene on scrubs where JD is told to beware of a tackling Ahltimzers patient. This patient leaps and tackles JD shouting, "who am I?"

Who have I been?

I have been a girl who has not leaned on her Lord and Savior for all of her strength, and that has left me on shakey ground. I have not been the wise man who has built his house upon the rock, but instead on the sand.

Guess what? That gets to stop. Either the Lord is my strength or He isn't. Either I embrace the pain of my trials and count it all joy, or i don't. Either His is my everything, or He isn't.

He is my strength, I have joy, He is my everything.

God uses everything for His glory. And this girl knows that. This girl believes it. This girls trusts it from her head to her toes.

I either live the truth of God's Word and Love Him or I turn away.

And I have seen firsthand what that looks like. No more, never again.

The Lord is the giver of strength, He is my shield, He is my comfort, He is my constant companion, He never leaves me- and i get that. I can see this. I trust this.

This is really happening.

"go on, go on, if you were thinking that the worst was yet to come, why am i the one always packing up my stuff? for once, for once I get the feeling that i am right where i belong, why am the one always packing up my stuff?"

Every single thing in my life brings me back to this;

I am in the Lord's Hands, i am His daughter, I will call Him Lord and i will seek His name. I am RIGHT where He has me.

And all I can do, is wake up each morning, with Proverbs 3:5-6 on my heart, and tell the Lord that i do not know what the day will bring- but I will seek Him with all that I do.

And then do that.

I did not just eat an entire bag of mini Cadbury eggs. I did not.

There are still 4 in the bag.

My thankfulness to the Lord is my heart. It makes my heart swell insanely.

Great is the Lord and worthy of praise.

Be strong and take heart and wait on the Lord.

Joy, peace, love, faithfulness, gentleness, patience, goodness, kindness, self-control.

Cast my fears on Him.

Be strong and very courageous.

The goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.

Be still and know that He is God.

The Lord will fight for you, you need only be still.

Not a sparrow falls.

He feeds the birds of the fields.

He made this day.

He knows the desires of my heart.

He made me.

He loves me.

He is love.

He is my God, my Savior.

The Creator of the Universe who gave His only son to perish on a cross wants me to not only love Him, but He wants to love me, and He wants to bless my life, He wants me to trust and obey that even if I don't understand what is happening, that He is in control and that in all my ways I can acknowledge Him and He will be there on my path.

I called, He answered. He came to my rescue, and I only want to be where He is.

"it's all alright, i guess it's all alright, I've got nothing left inside of my chest: but it's all alright"

Thank you Lord for using everything for Your Glory, I will draw near to you, and You say in Your Word, that you will draw dear to me.

thoughts from 10,000 feet

Sometimes there are many things that I want to write about.

And sometimes I take a step back and don't say what I want, which I am sure is hard for a lot of you to believe. But believe it, I have been holding my tongue as of late.

There is one thing that I do want to talk about today.

Being thankful to the Lord. Honestly, it is the one thing that consistently gets me back on track. I rest fully and wonderfully in knowing that the Lord loves me, that He will mold me into the woman He wants me to be, and that He wants good for me, not pain. He is the Sovereign King- ruler of all- not a sparrow falls from the sky that He doesn't know about.

Not a sparrow.

Not a moment of my life is out of His Hands.

I am thankful and I have joy. Things have been painful. Things have hurt- but the Creator of the Universe has me in a trial to better me for His use. This is the ultimate training. I have the opportunity to recognize that every single painful word spoke at me, every painful memory, every reminder, is something the Lord will use for my good.

I have an urgency to be still before my Lord, to rest, perched on His shoulders letting Him shield me from the pain. And sometimes the pain still comes- BUT: I have His Word, the truth, the comforts of the Psalms, the wisdom of Proverbs, and lately a newfound appreciation for Isaiah. It is a Living Word- and it is the solid ground that I must stand on, all other ground is sinking sand.

I am so not perfect. And I don't crave perfection for others- I want to please the Lord. And i realize more and more that the only way I can stay calm and rest in Him is to be still and wait for the Lord.

And not speak.

I don't feel muzzled- I simply am finding wisdom in not muddling my words, but simply to stick to the truth and God's Word.

Everything else is sinking ground.

my heart right now is for my children. such a rare opportunity to be one roll right now- mother- and i am thankful to the Lord for this- my children are my great ministry, He has given me these beautiful little crazy creations, and I serve my Lord in the way I love and raise and train them.

And in doing this, the Lord pulls me closer to Him- I need my eyes on Him, my heart focused on the Truth, and to be standing on the solid rock.

This whole situation is honestly harder than I thought possible.

But: what makes me weak shows how strong He is.

because what I will tell you is this- He only is sustaining me, He is giving me strength to face each day: and each day He gives me is one more than I deserve.

He loves me.

I want this experience in my life to be life changing- I want to be stronger in the Word, i want to see every moment as an opportunity to be thankful for the Lord, and I want I count it all joy.

It is all joy. Perserverance in the greatest race ever, this life that is temporary, these moments just that: a moment in time and then: heaven with Him.

Lord, i am so thankful for the truth of your Word and for the freeing truth You have given me.

This morning in church, with my sister-in Christ and best friend at my side, we sang;

"I called, You answered, You came to my rescue, and all i want is to be where you are".

That is my prayer Lord. Sobbing uncontrollably in a bathtub 2 1/2 months ago, seeking Your help, I called and a little more than 24 hours later you answered. YOU came to my rescue. And even though the pain is still burning- You are my comfort, You are my strength, I can rest in Your love and Your mercy.

Lord you are so mercy.

And as this airplane jerks around like a low budget amusement park ride, I fear not with a smile on my face, with my best friend at my side, I know You are in control, always and forever You will rule my life, I will fail and fail again- but Lord my desire is to know You more, to Love you with all my heart, and to serve You.

You give me so much more than I deserve. I will not complain for the trials that produce what You want in me.

Your sovereignty is either my greatest comfort or my worst nightmare.

I am comforted.