postaholic

i am quite aware that i am posting a lot. it helps. its like therapy. therapy that you share with anyone who wants to hear it. it feels good. to share what the Lord is doing in my life, in my heart. and i believe it is good to share my pain. and my experience. if hopefully through my story, my testimony, that this can be prevented for even one other marriage, then God has done something good.
i pretty quickly and drastically closed my facebook account a few days ago. i loved the support i was getting. loved it. but i was spending to much time looking at the faces of the women sam had sex with. too much time messaging anyone else that i thought he had sex with. messaging people for answers. drawing myself further and further into his horrible web of lies.
so i pulled the plug. i allowed Jesus to carry me out of that horrible place (it was a horrible place for me) and i am so happy to be free of it. the joy i received even after a day of not having to see things. unspeakable joy.
so no, i didn't unfriend you. i didn't have a nervous breakdown. i am choosing to share my story here, in a place that for awhile i was afraid to share with anyone who knew me.

a little bit from the past.

i've got a bad combo going on right now. restless boredom when there are a zillion things i could be working on. and a desire to eat when i don't really think i am hungry. but that late night mental notion of i want to simply veg and snack. i think that might be the worst combo.
not like cookies and milk (which i want) or frozen yogurt with cheesecake chunks (which i also want).
so, while i wait for my water to boil so i can have a cup of my favorite tea and try to convince myself i don't need to eat (wait a sec, was that a hunger pain?) i thought i'd pop on and try to share a post and get out of my posting every other month habit.
so we returned from our great adventure up north and came home to a mad whirlwind of events. hosting Bible study at our house (the next day after driving 13 odd hours) then other obligations out of the house (which i now can't remember) and then my big event of december: my handmade holiday party.
this was my second year throwing this shin-dig, and it is a lot of fun. basically i invite all the women i know- and tell them to invite all the women they know, and everyone is supposed to bring a handmade gift (and an appetizer or dessert because eating is a lot of fun). then we exchange white elephant style. i decided to throw this type of party because i just love to give gifts and realized i couldn't give a handmade gift to everyone i love. so i thought that by throwing this party we could all celebrate together.
now obviously because i host this party i had my handmade gift prepared weeks before the night.
wait. no.
but i had a fun idea, and i knew it "wouldn't" take to long.


this was my Christmas wreath. i actually made 2. the first one (which after scrolling through all my pictures) i didn't take a picture of. i kept the first one. because i really loved the colors i used, and i wanted it. i'm sorry, but its the truth.
the greatest thing about making this wreath (which wasn't nearly as amazing as some of the other gifts exchanged) was that as i was creating the wreath i had a special helper.
my little mason. she wanted to help hold the fabric while i ripped it, wanted to talk about the fabric, and when i gave her her own pile of fabric she would throw it up in the air and shout, "it's Christmas!". she then declared her pile of fabric as her "decorations" and kept herself busy for hours "decorating" our house. i foresee many years of Christmas creating with her, and am happy to see her sewing/creating juices starting to flow.
since i am toting around a nursing baby, who was also celebrating his first Christmas, i felt it was only natural to try and quickly whip something up for him to wear.

he's happy, really. i just appliqued a quick little tree on a onesie. i have more onesies... i should do more applique.
i love to applique and embroider. love it.
and i love that little man in the picture. to spice things up for Christmas i added a "1" since it was his first Christmas.
oh my goodness, how cute is he? last year on Christmas i was really surprised that i tested "negative" on my pregnancy test. but a few days later i found out i was expecting him. it really puts the year 2010 in perspective for me. maybe not perspective, but it makes it feel more impacting. or crazy. or wonderful.
i'm not sure. but my tea is probably ready to sip now. and i have projects i can be working on.
or i might see if sam wants popcorn.

my full plate.

life is full. i've been alone several times this week, and am surviving. the days are not so bad. basically because our schedule hasn't changed to much- we still have our morning routine (which i am constantly trying to improve on) and are doing our home-schooling, but mostly we are surviving because i have mastered nursing while walking around.
i figure it burns twice the amount of calories.
everyday there are still struggles though. my biggest puddle to wade through right now is to work on not yelling. there's the yelling when i am on the couch nursing trying to get someone's attention (usually to stop fighting or to have someone race outside and get henry to stop doing something unfortunate- aka, heading for the street) or the loud un-loving words that come out of my mouth as my children push me towards utter frustration.
and it makes me sad for many reasons, 1- that i have such little self-control that i cannot keep myself from constantly making the same parenting mistakes, and 2- that little wilder is hearing his mama have a pretty unhappy tone way to much.
its not all bad. its pretty good (however the last 2 nights that i had to manage solo had some un-fun moments and my first everyone crying at once catastrophe) its just when i see the bad spark up in me it seems to undo the good.
at least everyday is a new day. i can apologize to my children for losing my cool, and move on to the next thing. i can look at my new baby and think about his gentle spirit before i open my mouth. i can remember that my children are sinners just like me and they haven't been given a spirit of self-control.
and i can ultimately remember that i will blink my eyes and this will be over. even as mason came and kissed wilder this morning, looking at her little brother with such affection i thought, "she's going to be a mama someday". and that someday will come faster than i realize.
outside of the day to day routine of children, cleaning, laundry, cooking, and the other multitudes of homemaking, i have other things sorting through my brain. like the constant paranoia that every little cough my baby makes could be whooping cough.
or the fact that my application for becoming a lactation consultant has been accepted, and that i now have 2 years to complete 500 clinical hours, take 45 hours of breast-feeding education, and another long list of tasks to complete, and still awaiting to hear when i will start peer counseling at our wic office.
oh, and we are doing a handmade holiday (super excited) so i will be making all our gifts.
and christmas is less than 100 days away.
and a week in washington for thanksgiving.
co-hosting a soup night with my girlfriends, and getting ready to plan out my 2nd annual handmade holiday party.
and wanting to really enjoy the holidays with my kids this year.
and exercising and dieting. because i would really like to slim down.
hmmm. i thought taking a few minutes to blog would make me feel a little bit more relaxed, not a little bit more overwhelmed. that's ok. sam took the older two for an errand and its quiet here (except for the sounds of screaming children at recess at the school across the street) so i think i will finish my christmas list (its almost done) type it out and promise not to change it.
but first, maybe my Bible, and another cup of refresh tea.

exciting news!

and many random thoughts.

first- nope, the announcement of a pregnancy is not my exciting news. sorry to disappoint.

this morning i had an email waiting from Sleepy Wrap

in my inbox. it turns out that the creators of my favorite method of baby wearing has designed a new product:

The Boba.

well, i was instantly interested. i mean- a new way to wear my babies? and my little mason? very intriguing indeed.

the price is a bit steep for me. not outrageous- and if i didn't already have 3 method's of baby wearing i would have picked a color and dropped it in the online shopping cart.

so i thought to myself this:

i have bought many sleepy wraps over the last 18 months (i've bought about 15-20)

i did tell my local WIC office about the Sleepy Wrap, and they decided to buy Sleepy Wrap- instead of the Moby Wrap.

i think that because WIC started getting them our local baby boutique started carrying them.

i tell EVERYONE about the Sleepy Wrap, and answer many questions while wearing my kids.

hmmmm.... sounds like i could sell for them, right?

well- if i have given them such great business, i wonder if they would like to me to sample their new product and give it my full endorsement.

so, i decided to email the company, gave them my little speech on how much i love Sleepy Wrap, and all i have done to promote their company. and i asked if maybe i could get a free Boba (or buy one at a reduced price).

it never hurts to ask, right?

well... they said YES!

that's right. i'm getting a free Boba from the Sleepy Wrap company. i am beyond excited (i mean these things cost $100) and just really proud of myself for having the guts to email and ask.

as soon as it gets here expect a full review from me.

some short random news from me:

i feel oddly full of stress, and i don't really know why. i have a lot of great, fun things going on in the next 4 days, but for some reason having a lot going on makes me feel slightly overwhelmed. its really stupid.

the stress i've been feeling over the last 8 days has really caused ugly things in me. in the form of nail biting. i've lost 4 nails to this stress. and after a chronic episode of sitting and biting, these 4 little fingers are hurting me tonight.

i haven't touched my sewing machine in weeks. and it really bums me out. but i feel so behind in so many things that i just don't know how to get back on track.

and i'm worried that sewing is starting to become one of those things that starts to get put off so long that i eventually stop doing it.

and i've absolutely lost my mojo. sam and i both have an idea why that has happened.

and it sucks.

maybe i should have started with my random thoughts- and ended with my free Boba.

well, the smells of tortilla soup are filling my kitchen. i like cooking in the evening, because it forces me to stay up late. i'm committed to at least another hour (as i really should debone a chicken, which isn't going to feel great with my sore fingers- but don't feel sorry for me at all) perhaps i will get on the sewing machine, and sew.

or open up my story and write.

hopefully i won't "waste" this quite time cleaning.

because that i can do tomorrow.

transitions and sleepy time.

i probably should be going off to bed. i do still have a little baby who likes to wake up and nurse. and i have a 3 year old who wakes up when his bladder tells him too (a blessing and a curse).

but i have my shuffle blasting music into my ears (i love the Desperation Band) which is giving me a little more motivation to stay awake (however, i am worried that sam will appear behind me, which will be embarrassing, since i am singing out loud).

i have absolute randomness on the brain.

today i went to grab the plastic wrap, but it was snagged in the drawer where i keep it. so when i went to pull it up and out, i ended up slicing the backside of my fingers. i should have been given an award for not swearing in front of campbell.

i went on a minor cooking rampage with campbell by my side. i made cranberry/pecan scones (which tasted awful), apple cinnamon muffins (yum,yum,yum), blueberry coffee cake (i have women's Bible study tomorrow morning, and its kind of a brunch potluck), homemade pizza (delicious), and then i actually made dinner for tomorrow and wednesday, and the night was ended with amazing hand constructed frozen yogurt parfaits.

and yet even though i home schooled campbell and mason today (mason who will now moo when asked what a cow says, and campbell who is memorizing poems, and talking about the pumpkins and apples of fall), exercised, and kept the house kinda clean all while managing 3 little ones, cutting into 2 bridesmaid dresses, and cut out fabric for a skirt- i feel horridly unproductive.

what is wrong with me?

the bridesmaid dresses that i volunteered* to hem, or in this case, hide the fact that we aren't doing a hem and simply add ribbon.

*i can never say no, but i am happy to help

you were warned about the randomness of this post.

i just have to many ideas, and way to many ways i want to spend my time.

has anyone seen the movie multiplicity? i would sign up for that in an instant, and probably sit on the couch and watch myself sew.

the harsh realities of life have been grabbing at my heart lately. i'm going through a transition i do not like, but am willing to embrace what the Lord is doing in my life (not totally happy about it, but trusting).

and i am watching pain.

and it just sucks.

but i do believe that i have been given one amazing outlet: i am writing. and i keeping a lot of the info about that under wraps. sam says, "you are a writer", and i laugh.

but in my heart, i know i have something to tell.

and now the beautiful voice of peter from the newsboys plays in my ears (oh becki, do you remember swooning over the concert dvd in jake's apartment???)

"my comforter, my all in all, here in the love of Christ, i'll stand"

if you were looking for random tonight, you came to the right place.

blog block

i have noticed as of late that several of the ladies who write blogs that i love to read have been suffering with a little bit of bloggers block. there's nothing worse than wanting to blog, but staring at a constant white space. i haven't necessarily been suffering from blogger's blog, however i have been suffering from brain overload.

this is the best way i can describe it:

remember playing dodge ball in school? well i feel as if i am on one team all by myself, and an entire class of second graders is pummeling me with little rubber balls. and i can't seem to dodge or catch a single one.

the balls in this analogy being all my constant and ever changing ideas, all the tasks i am doing, all the tasks i should be doing, and ..... i could go on and on.

nevertheless, i am enjoying the game.

for those suffering from the dreaded blog block, one small idea, why not share an answer for this question: if you were to be surprised with a trip to anywhere in the world- where would you go and why?

my answer?

if sam were to show up on the door right now and say drop everything, i'm taking you away. my answer would probably always be disneyland (however in my fantasy here disneyland is not crowded at all). i love disneyland. and i always will. sam and i have never been just the two of us (i know, whoa is mary, right? i mean, there are some people who have never gone, and i am complaining?) and i think that going just the two of to my favorite magical place would be so special.

what about you?

amazing

last night i witnessed something amazing.

after a huge bbq for a ton of families from our church and community, sam and i were busy bees cleaning up the aftermath.  well all afternoon long the clouds in the sky had loomed over us, almost daring us to continue on with our bbq.  so as we quickly brought all the food and tables in and prepared to load up and head home (we were at sam's parents- their yard in unbelievable) sam was prepping to take a load of bags out to our van.  it was then that he yelled for me to hurry outside.

so his parents and i (and henry in tow) ran outside.

in the sky was the most unbelievable lighting display i had ever witnessed in my life.  the lighting was striking all over the sky, and one flash of light would literally explode one second on top of the next.

we stood out in the yard, watching this amazing display of God's Awesome power for almost an hour.  sam had ran in to get Campbell (who was at first confused why we weren't watching Cars- you know, Lightning McQueen?)

the lightning continued to get bigger and brighter, and eventually we started to hear thunder.

so we buckled everyone in, and followed the lighting show to our house, where we actually parked at the school close to our home to watch the sky explode even more.

and then the rain came.  

probably not the best timing that by the time we got ourselves home the storm was literally right above us, dumping tremendous- soak you the second you stand in it, rain.  not great for unloading 3 over tired kids.

but everyone was a good sport, i mean- this was just amazing.

so we put the little ones down, and turned off every light in our house (including computer screens) and sam and i just watched as our house was illuminated by flashes of lighting that were literally coming from every single window in our house.

i had never witnessed anything like this, and i can't imagine i will anytime soon.  the lighting was still going on when i was nursing henry at 2 am.

i wish there had been a way i could have captured some of this on film, but i didn't. instead it will remain a memory that will burn in my heart.

all i could think while watching this storm, was that this lightning storm must have somehow resembled what Creation was like.  

Absolute, controlled chaos, exploding all over the sky.

100 posts.

 100 posts.  Wow.  I am quite surprised that it went that quickly.  Well, it isn’t that surprising when a lot of my posts were rather boring vents on life, or lists of things I needed to accomplish.

But I am happy.  100 posts.  Something tangible that I have accomplished. 

This blog has been so wonderful for me.  The blogging community is a fairly amazing thing.  Even though I may not be viewed by a wide multitude of people, I love having the accountability to do something for myself.

I hope with my next 100 posts to be a little more consistent in what I blog about.  I hope to show more of what I love, more of what I do, and more of what I want to do. 

Thank you to all who check in on me and my generally wondering thoughts.

 

colors of the rainbow

oven grilled asparagus drizzled with extra virgin olive oil, 

red seedless grapes, 

2 eggs scrambled with spinach, mushroom and just a dash of feta. 

 yumm.

this is my new goal.  i feel like i have been having a pretty strong emotional battle in my brain as of late.  i have struggled with the weight of my body my entire life.  i actually lost weight after i got married (apparently that is a time you put it on) and then had Campbell.  and by his first birthday i was at my lowest weight ever.  then pregnant with Mason.  after her birth i flew into weight watchers head strong.  got to my new lowest weight ever.  to only find myself pregnant again.

well, here is my emotional battle: i don't really want to go back to weight watchers.  its an excellent program, but i just don't want to spend the rest of my life counting every ounce of what i eat.  so how do i get back down to my old size? i still have 19 pounds to go.  that is a lot.  

next week i can be given the green light to exercise.

will exercise alone work?

i know i have a great starting point- because i do know what choices aren't the best to make as far as eating.  but that doesn't mean i want to pass up on foods that are fun to eat.

exercise and moderation.  water and the colors of the rainbow.

my goal- to be eating more fruits and veggies.  my biggest goal is to try and get at least 3 servings of veggies in one meal.  salads. i love love love salad.  and i have been taking the time to add them back into my diet.

i don't want to be watching the number i weigh so intently that i stop enjoying life.  i mean, technically i am just 1 quarter of a pound away from being in a healthy bmi.  

well, i could waste valuable time taking about this.

i just want to pray that i will find my self-worth in what i should.  but not let that be an excuse to gorge.

who knows, maybe i'll just end up pregnant again and this won't even be an issue.

but i will still eat the colors of the rainbow.

money.

today i feel really tired of stuff.  sick and tired of all this clutter in my house.  i asked (made) Sam take the two older kiddos and leave for a bit.  Sam has been great- a huge help, making meals, changing diapers, and letting me get lots of extra sleep.  but still... he isn't me, and he doesn't see the "mess" i see, and he doesn't always put things where they are supposed to go.

so after 3 weeks of keeping things low key, i needed to try and play a bit of catch up.

hard to do when there is so much laundry it makes my head hurt (the enormous amount of laundry is in part due to a family of 5, and not made any lighter by the fact that we have tried to potty train Campbell- lots of accidents means more dirty clothes, and Henry has been projectile spitting up, and has been making a huge mess on lots of things).

anyways.

while racing around as quickly as i could to get some things done, i just couldn't help but notice how much junk... i mean stuff... we have.  it just feels like too much stuff!

and then i had to move some clothes into bins out in the garage, and there we have even more JUNK!

and i feel a little like the walls are just pushing in around us.

3 little kids.  the inability to play outside (weather and box elder bugs make it impossible).  

and money.  i know that eventually we will need to move.  and that just makes me stress about money.  because i don't really earn any income for this little family.

and i spend.

so as i was engulfing in all of this stuff, i think about what i often do.

i'll say this: "i have everything i need, i don't need anything else".... but... and then i list off many different things that "would be nice to have".

well i am tired of doing that.  i am really sick of tired of thinking that i need something new.

i am tired of spending money when we have so much stuff.

so, for the rest of the year, this is the only stuff i want to spend extra money on:

*gifts for others (includes showers and parties)

* notions for sewing.  i do not need any new fabric. i have so much.  and the 2 dollar sale just happened, so i will wait.  but i cannot say no money to spend on sewing- because occasionally i will need more thread, or bias tape or a zipper.

* crayons and stickers at the dollar tree.  little Campbell loves to play with these things, and we do run out of these.

*vacations and camping

*homeschooling supplies (i am going to try and not spend more than $75 dollars in this year)

well i don't know how well i will stick to this.  but i really want to.

i just want to be content.  and i am really content.  i need to get rid of some of this clutter and stop buying the little things we don't need.

sometimes being a grown up just isn't fun.

my empty freezer

well my freezer really isn't empty at all.  it is in fact jammed full of tons of different foods to be consumed.  however, it is missing the one thing i wanted tonight: vanilla ice cream.  we were given a strawberry rhubarb pie two nights ago.... and it really sounds better warmed with vanilla ice cream.  

but, alas.  all we have is rocky road.  and i do not like that.  serves me right for telling sam "just don't get coffee ice cream" for now i will amend that to, "not coffee and not rocky road".

well, i had decided (while on my wii fit balance board) that i wouldn't have pie and ice cream- just ice cream.  hmmm. i really don't want pie.

so perhaps a bowl of cereal?

i've seen those kellogs commericals, and they talk about not undoing your whole day- and having their fancy flakes with chocolate pieces.

that personally sounds disgusting.  because i ONLY like cheerios.  just plain, and with a ton of really cold milk.  the milk has to be cold.

which is why i am not consuming cereal right now- because sam just went out 20 minutes ago and go the milk, and it may not be cold enough.

why such a boring post?  well, i was going to post pictures of finished "Easter" bags that i made for all 3 kiddos.  however, i hate the way the pictures turned out.  and seeing that we have a fancy new lens for our camera, i know i can take better pictures than that.

so i am boring you with stories of ice cream and cereal.

but it really branches at a deeper level in my core.

weight.

the hardest part for me about pregnancy is the weight gain.  and now, here i am with my beautiful new little boy, and i have the wonderful energy (ish) and this exciting new jest for life (seeing that my energy and excitement is no longer growing a child) and i feel rejuvenated and beautiful.

and then i look in the mirror.  or try to put on pants that don't have elastic.

and i feel slightly crushed.

and yes, i know that it has only been 2 weeks... blah blah blah.

i am just saying my mood doesn't match what i see.

i lost a lot of weight after mason.

almost 20 lbs in 10 weeks- for a wedding i was in.

and then a few days after the wedding, found out i was unexpectedly expecting henry.

and was crushed.

but now, things have changed for me.

i'm not as in a hurry to "lose it all" (although i wish i could somehow now lose it all, but be in my old clothes again, it just doesn't work that way)

i don't want to necessarily go back to weight watchers ( it is a fantastic program).  but i have small kids, and a life, and i don't want to be constantly nitpicking every single thing i eat.

after doing the program twice before i do know how to make smart changes.

1) i no longer drink coffee creamer (i was using more than my daily amount of points on coffee creamer alone)

2) and go easy on the cheese (another thing i overly ingested)

well, this really as turned into nothing of real importance at all.

i just really wanted to blog tonight, and my pictures didn't turn out, and henry just finished nursing for a session of almost 3 hours.  off and on....

and i finally had the opportunity to sit and type.

sorry if this was incredibly boring.

but i think i will go and eat my cheerios now.

and remind myself that my body will return.  9 months on 9 months off.

and really, my body isn't what i really want to be known for.

i want to be known for following the first commandment, loving the Lord, and loving people.

hmmmm....

Reflections

My new baby is a week old.  Sigh.  I feel a little like this first week was robbed from me.  Spending 36 extra hours at the hospital was not part of the plan at all!  You can read more about that here (if you want)

Pregnancy is just the strangest thing.  It completely consumes your life.  Everything you do revolves around the growing baby in your belly.  All your thoughts, prayers and wishes- just everything becomes about the belly for 9 1/2 long long long long long months.

And then in a brief moment its all over.

Pregnancy feels like it lasts forever, labor comes and then the baby is there. Forever.

He's here and he is beautiful.  And he truly consumes all my time- because I want him to right now.  I am trying hard to make sure I am not completely ignoring my other children, but that is why Sam has taken a lot of time off- to make sure I have the time to sit and watch my baby.

Which is why I haven't really been here in the blog world.  Because when it comes to wanting to put Henry down and pick up the computer, well I barely want to do it.  

This time is so quick.  And then it too is over.

And thinking that Henry will soon be walking around, chasing his brother and sister makes we want to sit and cry for a little while.

And makes me want another baby.  Shush- don't tell.

But i know Sam really doesn't want any more kids.  So, I am just praying.  Not that I'll get pregnant (because, man i hate being pregnant) but that I will be content with what the Lord has given me.  And if the Lord wants to give this little family another child to love, I will welcome that, and if the Lord wants me to focus on these 3 little miracles and my husband, then I will continue to be blessed by that.

It is just hard, because I feel internally engineered to produce children.  My hearts desire to be a mother, but that doesn't mean there is a number that equates to that desire.

Oh- and this feeling changes almost as quickly as I change Henry's diapers.  When Campbell is melting down, and Mason is screaming from a diaper change, I can't imagine one more child.

Content in any situation.  With any situation.  

I am so blessed.

Momma and Henry

Henry is here!

yup, that's right.  as i posted my last post (on Sunday afternoon) i was secretly hoping to be meeting that little guy real soon- and i did- less than 12 hours after my post!  more details to come later (when Campbell is pressing limits with his will and Mason isn't trying to share oatmeal with me via my knee), but here is a tiny gist- and a quick little pic at my new boy.

Henry Levi Nies, born March 23, 2009 at 12:38 am

8 lbs 6 oz (YUP I WAS RIGHT!) and 20 1/2 inches long (so close!)

He's beautiful.  And I am in love.

And tired.

And generally happy.

a walk in our temporary sun

as previously noted, the sun was out today- finally.  i didn't want to let the change in weather go to waste, so i planned on taking the little ones out on a walk.  sounds like a simple plan, but it isn't always so simple.

Mason has been working on forgoing her morning nap.  this thrills me less and less.  but it is nice to have the 2 of them take a afternoon nap together.  that's a side note.  i wanted to take them out in the morning so that Mason would be more pleasant to be around, then her usual fussy self.

anyways.  here i am, some 9 months pregnant (i think i can officially say 9 months, because you are pregnant for 10 months, and i still have one month to go- math 10-1=9) trying to get my 2 kids ready for our walk.  last week Sam replaced the frame on our broken stroller.  i didn't quite understand how to get it out of the folded lock position.  here i am, with the stroller outside, trying so hard to just get it to be upright, and i have little Mason, standing in the doorway screaming, tears down her little face (she is so dramatic- nothing was wrong, she was just mad).

after almost breaking into tears myself, i figured out how to get the stroller upright (however, at this time, i didn't realize that the front wheel was completely locked, so as i was pushing the kids up hills, downtown it felt like i was trying to make lead move)

so we leave.  and after the trauma of getting ready to go, i decided we'd just go to the park/playground that's literally on yards away from our house (but first i have to go up a very steep hill).

so we leave- 11am.  go up and down the hill to the park.  Campbell get's all excited to see the playground.  and its locked.  have you ever tried to explain to a very excited 2 1/2 year old that the park that is inches away from him, he can't really access? it doesn't go over well. he was in tears.

so we left. and walked to the bank.  he got over the playground being closed.  we went to the bank, where he asked the teller for money ( i had just told him that we go to the bank because the bank is where our money is).

so we left, and Campbell kept asking about Sam.  so i thought, hmmm why don't we just walk to Starbucks.  it was less than 2 miles away, and the kids were having a nice time, and Sam was almost off work.

so we had a wonderful little walk.  Campbell and i sung his favorite songs.  and then arrived at Starbucks, had some yummy scones, and waited for Sam.

i figured we would just wait while Sam drove home to get the van, then he'd come back for us.

Nope! Sam wanted to walk us all home (he had a some to vent about from work)

so we did.  so i walked about 4 miles (full of hills) today.  i'm tired, but its a good tired.

i love taking the kids outside.  i hate being outside. i am not an outdoors person at all.  i do enjoy camping with Sam, but i don't have an itch for it.

but watching my children experience the outdoors brings me so much joy.  Mason takes in everything, and Campbell points out everything he sees.  to see their happiness, such innocence, it makes me want to spend all my time outside.  even if the walks start out stressful, i know that it is worth it in the end.

mindless wondering

It is still raining.  Which is good, because this state was (is?) in danger of a drought.  Rain is better than snow, because the snow stresses Sam out, and makes it impossible for me to want to go out at all.  However the snow is prettier to look at, and it is way more entertaining to watch Campbell play in the snow, then watch him press his little face against our windows longing to be outside.

There is constant rain.  And it’s not just the water I hear trickling down the storm drain right now.  It’s the constant rain version of the pain I see in other people’s lives.  Specifically, my sister.  I know she received some devastating news today, news that I cannot begin  to relate too.  I wish there was something I could do to take away her pain.  All I can do is say I'm sorry, and I love her.  But it just doesn't seem like enough.  

But I do know that it won't rain forever.  Sister, it won't rain for ever.  God promises no more floods.  It won't rain, it can't rain forever.  I can't promise what sun will bring- but I hope you can find some hope.

***

And onto other mindless notes.

I hate elastic.

Argh.  I am hating elastic right now.  Absolutely hating it.  I am currently making a cute little hat for a baby shower.  And am having the worst time getting the elastic to work in the “elastic casing” I have made.  First, I made my elastic casing at the recommended ½ inch seam allowance, however I couldn’t get the elastic to get through the sewn seams inside the casing (not quite sure how this happened).  So- seam ripper.  Argh.  Then back to sewing another casing.  This time at 7/8 seam allowance.  So I worked the elastic through, and I must have pulled to much or something, but I pulled the elastic through to make the casing all bunchy, and then cut my elastic to sew it together.  However the little bit of casing that hadn’t been sewn on the hat totally puckered out- making the hat look terrible.  So I undid the sewing of the elastic- and then promptly lost the elastic in the hat.  And had to pull it all out.  And then I re threaded the elastic.  And lost it again. 

I am currently looking at the little hat sitting next to me, without elastic in it, the elastic now to short for the casing, and not quite sure what to do. 

It is very frustrating to invest time in a project that should have been done long ago.  And to still not be sure what I should quite be doing next with it.

Flash forward 2 hours.  I did figure out what the problem was, and have finished the hat.

Was it worth it? Well, sure- its cute, and i'll enjoy giving it.  However I still have a little butterfly to sew for it, and matching booties to make... so- spending 2 hours alone on just threading elastic through a casing was not a great use of my time.

You know what else isn't a good use of my time? Picking up torn pieces of books, even after I believe I have successfully removed all paper books from my 2 year olds grasp.  Wrong. He has somehow figured out to tear apart the covers of hard books.  That's not quite napping.  Neither is pulling off the letters of his name that are hanging on the wall.  This is the 4th time i've had to re attach them.  I know what you are thinking, why not just put them down? Because they look so cute all hanging up, all 3 names... and.... whine- I like it!

Hmm.. I should go unplug that glue gun.

And maybe go to sleep.

I'm looking forward to a half glass of wine in about 8 weeks.

For tonight, i will settle for ice cream.

Yum.

all the things

Of all the things I wish I had done today, I'm not quite sure if it could have been a much better day. The last two days have been so wonderful and relaxed.  I mean in spite of a quick run up to the ER for little Campbell and unexpected guests showing up.  The last 2 days have shown that nothing really goes as I may plan, but now that there is no real schedule to keep (just my schedule) it really is ok.  

It is weird to feel really laid back.  For me that seems really weird.  We had friends over for dinner tonight. Which for me has meant in the past racing around like a mad woman, trying to clean rapidly, keep things clean, and have dinner perfect and ready to present right when our guests walk in the door.

Lately, i've just kinda been wondering: who wants to live like that? Some people.  I did, and maybe someday I will want to again, but now- I have 2 little people in my home who make things very unpredictable.

So, at 4:30 I wasn't rapidly cleaning my house (I knew I had vacuumed yesterday and cleaned the bathroom yesterday as well- that's clean enough) instead I watched my beautiful little girl waddle around the house, clutching a little monkey that we call her baby (and she calls her baby and will lovingly hug and pat her back).  

And at 5 I finally decided to start dinner, our guests showed up 15 minutes early, and it really was ok.  Dinner was served eventually, and it was good.

I know, this is a fairly stupid post.  But I have so much renewed peace and calm and joy.  I am just really happy.  And I am realizing that just letting myself be calm and go with the flow, is working for me.

I would no way describe myself as laid back... I am wound pretty darn tight.  But I feel like I am slowly letting a little go, and I'm not panicking by it, I'm embracing it, enjoying the time.

ahhhh... lovely

just some beautiful Moda fabric i purchased the other day, with a wonderful gift card i received for my birthday... i had previously purchased the top fabric for a purse i made for my sister-in-law, but now the fabric was marked down (from 8.99 to i think 4.99) and i had to get some more!

i am planning on using the wonderful blue on the bottom for mine and Mason's Easter skirts.

the top two fabrics i believe i will be using to experiment with on some tutorials i have found through other blogs... more to come on that later.

ahhh... fabric.... i just cannot resist!

9 hours

that's right. that's all i have.  i may be pretty exhausted right now, tummy hurts, headachey for days, and i've got this thing poking me at all times (ha, that's really both internally and externally- as my toddling baby is a bit crazy on her feet at times).

but i can do it.

i can absolutely enjoy today, savor the lasts, relax, and then embrace what the future holds.

3 of my own.

although last night sam mentioned 4... and it wasn't followed by his usual shock and horror... but instead, "i could do 4..but...."

doesn't he realize that sentence is enough to get me pregnant?

oh man. i don't want to move.

and that would honestly be- my only hesitation.

survivial

my blog of utter frustration late monday night, could have very well have been followed by another blog of utter frustration tuesday night, but i was exhausted and felt like all of my complaining combined with even more complaining wouldn't be uplifting or encouraging to anyone- probably not even myself.

so self-loathing and moping on the couch was what i did instead.

however! my week of work is over.  and i only have 3 more days.  and then never again.  which is weird to say, because i am sure that in a few years i may get myself a fun part time evening job (few years is relative- this could be like 10, but i also tend to thrive on an overfull plate, and so i may find something in a few years- who knows, don't hold me to anything).  

but you know what. i do have a job! a pretty darn full time job.  the list of job requirements i have i think would be overwhelming to most people, plus when they see the hours i work- oh my. but i do love it.  even when i am hating it, and frustrated, i love it.

but i am so ready to have my husband and my children be my full focus.  i am excited to have nothing as a responsibility other than my husband, my children, my home, and being an encouragement to the people i love.

i love my husband, and i love my children.

and having my husband smile at me over his dinner, and my son reciting his memory verses, and my daughter toddling around always laughing at me, i know i can find my contentedness in this.

and i know why i am doing this.  for my Lord.  to be an example of His Love, and i know i fail all the time.  but when i keep my mind focused on that.  i may feel a little discouraged because i know that i have so far to go, but i find encouragement in it.

i hope and prayer is that i continue to grow. that i will be a better child of Christ, a more kind and loving wife, and a more patient, consistent, and loving mother.

all things through Him.

and yet another long day

yup.  today was way too long.  and as i sit here on the couch, with a pillow behind my back desperate for better back support and a little more breathing room (it feels like baby henry is pulling my diaphragm down) i know that laundry needs to get hung and the kitchen still has messy dishes on the counter.

and i wish i could close my eyes and have it all be done.

it was a really long day.  but i think that my evening was wonderful.

maybe it was my attitude.  i really didn't want to face today, in fact i had been dreading it for several days.  i only work 3 days a week (and from home) and i only have this week and next week. but over the last few weeks my kids have been draining my patience and i just couldn't imagine having to have one more child in my house.

and it was pretty much as bad as i had dreaded.

starting at 8:30 am with meltdowns.  then playdough throwing at 9, hitting at 10, arguing at 11, non eating at 12, disgusting diapers before 1, more hitting before 1:30, nap coos before 2, a fussy baby around 3 and then a husband walking in the door to a messy house at 4.

any one want to tell me how i am going to handle 3 kids everyday that are all my own? cause i am starting to doubt it.

i think a lot of today had to do with my attitude.

and i need to put my heart into check for tomorrow.  and not just try, but do better.

even if i cannot control the actions of all the children around me, i can control my actions and my heart.

i just wish i wasn't so tired. 

sorry about the complaining.  its my own bed that i have made.  and soon it will be over.

today really was my attitude.  and i can make tomorrow and wednesday better.

i did accomplish stuff.

campbell kept asking to do "school books" and "flashcards" and we were able to do some this evening- but mason kept interfering.

and while the 2, two year olds in my care tried to play outside, i did work on organizing more of the craft catastrophe of my back room.

and like i said, my night did have a better feel to it.

sam walked in the door with a latte and a new maple sausage scone from starbucks ( it is nearly impossible to describe how amazingly delicious this scone was- i highly recommend it... it was literally like tasting baked pancakes and sausage and syrup but awesome)

and then the second two year old left.

and my children played happily and lovingly.

we had dinner.

and sam did my favorite thing in the world, moved furniture around (this had started last night)

and then we vegged together.

which resulted in simultaneous cravings for cheeseburgers at 8 pm (and not fast food... restaurant.. thank you "how i met your mother")

and enjoyed watching jack on 24.

so a pleasant end to a long day.

unfortunately i am not about to go jump under the covers and off to dream land.

those dirty dishes need to be dealt with.

and that laundry needs to get hung.

and i have projects on my ironing board that have been oh so neglected.

someday....