no man can walk out on his own story

i am TRYING.
i haven't been blogging. i've been with my children. i've been with my weimar family. i've been spending time in God's Word. i've been controlling my words, and keeping my thoughts captive.
i am sitting in the dark, in a dome house. i am texting my friend's 16 year old daughter- who is also my friend- who sits in the loft above me. the sound here travels like crazy. she can hear me open my york peppermint patty. she can probably here my music from the headphones. its loud. because i like it loud.
its been a long day. and i should be sleeping. resting my head on the pillow.
i've slept on a couch every night but 2 for the last month. and i have loved it. i have crawled in the dark to this couch, while my children were nestled in their room. i have watched a family of 8 sacrifice time, space, and energy for me and my children. i have watched a family of 8 rally behind me and my 4 children and i have been cared for.
tomorrow night is my last night here. and i am sad.
a little more than 4 months ago, i choose to follow the Lord. i was given advice to leave my husband before i knew the truth about this adultery. i had told my story to a counselor and was told to divorce my husband and leave- that he was cheating on me, and had been for years.
i swallowed my pride, and called my dear friend, who i knew wouldn't let just walk off without seeking the Lord. i hadn't talked to her in 2 years, but she put everything aside, took care of my children and spent the day in God's Word with me, counseling me, and loving me. and i knew the truth, i couldn't leave without proof.
little did i know that hours later i would be back at her house. broken, crumbled, devastated to learn the beginning of what would be years and years of deception.
**side note. i am sitting in the dark- and i am absolutely rocking out to shine by the newsboys... its part of my new awesome newsboys playlist... i am a dork... who is replaying shine...**

weimar. i know i am not really leaving. that i have been given another family. that i am loved. but i am so very sad.
the kids and i are moving back into our house for a temporary season. i am not sure what God has in store for me or my kids, and i truly dread the idea of grass valley. but He has me there. for now. and i know that later, even if i realize why, or if i never do, that i will trust Him completely.
i have to Trust Him. i have absolutely no choice but to cling to His Truth. and to cling to it when so many lies are constantly being told to me.  and even though it is hard, i will trust Him, because He has it all under control.
i just kind of feel like when something happens, or doesn't work out the way i think it should go, i just need to sit back and think- okay, its a good thing i can Trust Him.
**what is better than the Newsboys?? am i 16? **

i recently looked up the word folly. it has several meanings. absurdity was my favorite. that is a random thought. enjoy.
i guess not totally random, as i have been dealing with some things that are just absurd.

but. as i sit here in the dark, knowing that there is someone close to me who is struggling to find herself in the Lord, i realize- hey, i am still working everyday to trust Him more, and to not freak out when the path He has me on has a tiny crack in it.... or  a huge boulder.... or huge flames of fury to walk through... or flames of absurdity.
He's still in control. He's always in control. He is always loving me. He is here for every step of this struggle. He knows that i can do this- if i can just cling to Him, and its almost like He is saying, please just let Me handle all this stuff in your life.
well, i know that He can do a much better job than me.
and i know that His plan for me, is better than my plan for me.

so. for today, for tomorrow, for forever- i will put my Trust in Him.
bring it on.
bombs away.

Psalm 71

1 In you, O Lord, I have taken refuge;
let me never be put to shame.

2 Rescue me and deliver me in your righteousness;
turn your ear to me and save me.

3 Be my rock of refuge,
to which I can always go;
give the command to save me,
for you are my rock and my fortress.

4 Deliver me, O my God, from the hand of the wicked,
from the grasp of evil and cruel men.

5 For you have been my hope, O Sovereign Lord,
my confidence since my youth.

6 From birth I have relied on you;
you brought me forth from my mother's womb.
I will ever praise you.

7 I have become like a portent to many,
but you are my strong refuge.

8 My mouth is filled with your praise,
declaring your splendor all day long.

9 Do not cast me away when I am old;
do not forsake me when my strength is gone.

10 For my enemies speak against me;
those who wait to kill me conspire together.

11 They say, “God has forsaken him;
pursue him and seize him,
for no one will rescue him.”

12 Be not far from me, O God;
come quickly, O my God, to help me.

13 May my accusers perish in shame;
may those who want to harm me
be covered with scorn and disgrace.

14 But as for me, I will always have hope;
I will praise you more and more.

15 My mouth will tell of your righteousness,
of your salvation all day long,
though I know not its measure.

16 I will come and proclaim your mighty acts, O Sovereign Lord;
I will proclaim your righteousness, yours alone.

17 Since my youth, O God, you have taught me,
and to this day I declare your marvelous deeds.

18 Even when I am old and gray,
do not forsake me, O God,
till I declare your power to the next generation,
your might to all who are to come.

19 Your righteousness reaches to the skies, O God,
you who have done great things.
Who, O God, is like you?

20 Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter,
you will restore my life again;
from the depths of the earth
you will again bring me up.

21 You will increase my honor
and comfort me once again.

22 I will praise you with the harp
for your faithfulness, O my God;
I will sing praise to you with the lyre,
O Holy One of Israel.

23 My lips will shout for joy
when I sing praise to you—
I, whom you have redeemed.

24 My tongue will tell of your righteous acts
all day long,
for those who wanted to harm me
have been put to shame and confusion.

 

so. there is most definitely that.

the long silence.

a very purposeful silence from the blog. and maybe i shouldn't be blogging. maybe. but i miss it. my mind races with so many thoughts that i want to share, and often times a facebook status update just doesn't suffice what it is that i want to say.

i filed for divorce. i am not going to publicly talk about this process. i will say this: i know that i haven't handled the last 3 months perfectly. i will not defend myself, i will simply say that the Lord has used every day that i have had over the last 3 months to teach me that i must draw myself closer to Him and Him alone. and He has shown me that His Grace is enough. it is enough. i wish i could say that i knew exactly how to think and feel over the last 3 months. but 10 years of my life had literally blown up in my face. the feelings of thinking i was crazy were gone, the reality of my life, the gravity of sin, and the fact that i needed my Savior more than anything brought about a lot of powerful emotions from me.
the Lord has set my feet on a new path. there are some people who stay married after something like this happens. those people have my respect, and i know that the Lord gives them the strength to do it. this is my choice. and i have made it. i have no doubts, no regrets, not one. i may sound harsh or brutal, and if you have specific questions for me, feel free to message me.
the biggest thing that i know, is that i want to live my life to Glorify the Lord, and to serve others. and that the most important thing outside of my relationship with the Lord is loving and training my little ones. that is it. the Lord knew how the desire of my heart was to be a mother, and He has given me- and sam- 4 truly wonderful children. and they are what matters now. and the Lord is giving me great joy in them. i see more of Him. i can begin to understand my own Father/daughter relationship with God as i think about being a mother. and i like that.
my priorities have just so completely shifted. and i'm not perfect. i'll never be. but i serve the Lord, and He is, and i am just going to keep moving towards Him. and know that ultimately there is a goal that i will reach- Heaven.
i want to glorify the Lord with my words, with my actions. and yes. i am not going to do it perfectly. but the Lord is teaching me. He is. and it is a measurable change. i know that i can look for the fruit of the spirit as fruits in my life that must be there.
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. Galatians 5:22-23

i am not perfect.
but. i am finding joy in my Savior. its a weird thing to explain how this has changed in me, without sounding like a cross between a nut and a dork: a nurk.
but. lately when i talk about the Lord, and Jesus, and the cross, i am starting to get that feeling i have wanted. where my stomach feels like it has dropped five floors suddenly. like how i feel every time i hear this:

No guilt in life, no fear in death

This is the power of Christ in me

From life's first cry to final breath

Jesus commands my destiny

No power of hell, no scheme of man

Can ever pluck me from His hand

Till He returns or calls me home

Here in the power of Christ I'll stand

i seriously cry, every time. and i hope that never changes. i hope when i think about exactly what Jesus has done for me, and how He has me, and how He is controlling everything, i hope that reality always brings me to tears.
joy.
and gentleness. i am not a quiet girl. but i am a happy girl. there is a happiness deep inside that swells more and more every day: that is Christ in me! that is the miracle of what He can do. how the worst of situations can and will be used to bring Him glory. gentleness isn't happiness. but i am finding the moments where i have been harsh and am seeking gentleness.
there is a lot of pausing. a lot of:

My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, James 1:9
i am not perfect. this does not come out of me every time. but i can stand before the Lord and say that i am trying. i am.

i have a teachable heart. and i have a desire to serve and seek the Lord constantly and every day, AND, i have the deep desire and conviction to show Christ to my children.
being a mother is a humbling thing. because i tell you, when you realize you are suppose to be the primary example of loving and serving people, and loving and serving our Lord, the primary example to little people... well, i am really just a wretched and horrid sinner who needs the Lord. desperately. with every breath that i have. if He isn't in my breath, then it isn't worth anything.

my Gus sends me the same passage reference frequently. she knows me. she knows when He isn't in my breath, but instead frustrations that are mounting.
and i get this: Psalm 37:7-9

Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him;
do not fret when men succeed in their ways,
when they carry out their wicked schemes.

Refrain from anger and turn from wrath;
do not fret—it leads only to evil.
For evil men will be cut off,
but those who hope in the LORD will inherit the land.

do not fret. do not fret. do not fret.

i am a fretter.
and i've been known to be a worrier.
and impatient.

but. fretting leads to evil. and i will not be evil.
and why worry? not a sparrow falls that the Lord doesn't know about. He knows what i need. and I have a God who listens to my prayers. and who will sustain me.
and patience. goodness. i didn't fully realize what an impatient person i was until all of this happened. yuck.
but the biggest thing i have right now is thankfulness. i am an imperfect, wretched sinner. and i tell you, i am constantly thinking of the cross. i am constantly thinking of the Lord on the cross. for me. for all of my sins. i am thinking of a God who loves me enough to send His son for the sins of the world. i am thinking of where my true treasure is. i an thinking about what i can do for Him. i am thankful.
and even though this is a long post. i want to share just a few things this evening that i am thankful for.

262) holding on to hope.

263) listening to an album that has been in my itunes library for ever: mumford and sons. i hadn't really ever listened to it before. and i feel like a fool for not. i am so behind in the times. although, i am wearing jeans with a bit of flare right now, and i am not quite sure if i am way ahead, or way behind. oh well. i am not a put together girl. i am a: how many layers does it take to hide the lack of exercise plus addition of apple pie eating weight gain.

264) it takes 3 layers. but who's counting? i'm not. i still do worry... and tend to fret- but fret leads to evil... i don't want the way i look to become an idol of my heart. i want to spend more time serving others, loving my children, and in the Word. which is honestly what has taken the place of my usual exercise. but. i am not snacking at night anymore (okay, the last 2 nights.. but still) and that is exercising self-control!

265) 4 little children that i can throw my tennis shoes on and race around outside after. exercise will be had, just not what i thought it would be. just like this path that the Lord has me on, not what i thought, but it is here.

266) my brother eric. he hung out with me and the kids as we are up in a new place. he helped clean up the house every night (okay, again 2 nights) and my dad will be home soon, and it is not clean. its kinda clean. but not clean. and i'm blogging and dancing to mumford and sons and not cleaning.

267) so i'm thankful for a dad who finds a lot of joy in cleaning. and cuts me some slack.

268) for coming to northern california for a visit. its been 3 long months since the kids have seen there papa (sam's dad) and as happy as they will be to see their dad and their nana, there is a certain papa who needs a bit of joy.

269) remembering that india oven is waiting for me at the end of that long drive. gus... india oven is waiting for me at the end of that long drive.

270) marv. a great-grandpa i met at mcdonalds today. his great-grand daughter was sharing frys with henry. he loved the kids blue eyes. who doesn't. my kids have sam's eyes. i'm the green eyed gal. my kids have the beautiful eyes that come from their dad. marv asked me if i went to church. we talked about the Lord, and how He is always with me. awesome. just awesome. he also told me i'm a baby-making machine. yup.
i was.

271) the house in eatonville. the kids and i are up here while a susan powell documentary is being shot at my parents house in puyallup. seriously. seriously. my decision to go to northern california on friday happened about 2 hours ago. i forgot that most- ok all- of my clothes are in the puyallup house. great. oh well. i've got my beanie. and 2 reversible skirts. what more do i really need? i love this house. i want to stay here, until it is time for us to return permanently to northern california.

so. that's about it. i hope to blog more. i hope to be here. i hope in Him.

love so amazing...

Back in the air. My still favorite song playing in my ears. Proverbs 3:5-6 being repeated and repeated in my mind. a short trip for me, but I will be back, so for those of you I didn't see- I will return!

I feel such peace. I feel like i am truly seeing the truth separates from the lies. I feel like I can stand solid in the Word of God and pull all of my confidence and strength from His truth- not my own understanding- but simply trusting in His loving goodness.

My comfort in Him is being so thoroughly developed: aha- so this is what a trial starts to do!!

I am in it.

This trial that was known before I was formed in my mothers womb- I will not complain- the second i complain I question who God is.

I have tried very purposefully to never ask "why", throughout all of this. There are so things I ask why about- but I never ask God "why did this happen", because I know why. We live in a fallen world, we are a sinful people in need of a Savior. I am a sinful woman in need of my Savior.

I will never be perfect- this is not an excuse or a cop-out: but He is perfect, and I will seek Him, I will seek Him everyday. Somedays i will fail miserably, and somedays I will be of use to my Lord.

I feel like I have been so lost, living in muddled confusion, desperate for the truth, and it was always there- He is the truth.

I finally feel found.

If you know me, you know I can't help my rock out with earbuds in, and I have a problems with air drumming, i have issues with corn in food where it shouldn't be (like outside of being on the cob) and I quote way to many tv shows.

There's a scene on scrubs where JD is told to beware of a tackling Ahltimzers patient. This patient leaps and tackles JD shouting, "who am I?"

Who have I been?

I have been a girl who has not leaned on her Lord and Savior for all of her strength, and that has left me on shakey ground. I have not been the wise man who has built his house upon the rock, but instead on the sand.

Guess what? That gets to stop. Either the Lord is my strength or He isn't. Either I embrace the pain of my trials and count it all joy, or i don't. Either His is my everything, or He isn't.

He is my strength, I have joy, He is my everything.

God uses everything for His glory. And this girl knows that. This girl believes it. This girls trusts it from her head to her toes.

I either live the truth of God's Word and Love Him or I turn away.

And I have seen firsthand what that looks like. No more, never again.

The Lord is the giver of strength, He is my shield, He is my comfort, He is my constant companion, He never leaves me- and i get that. I can see this. I trust this.

This is really happening.

"go on, go on, if you were thinking that the worst was yet to come, why am i the one always packing up my stuff? for once, for once I get the feeling that i am right where i belong, why am the one always packing up my stuff?"

Every single thing in my life brings me back to this;

I am in the Lord's Hands, i am His daughter, I will call Him Lord and i will seek His name. I am RIGHT where He has me.

And all I can do, is wake up each morning, with Proverbs 3:5-6 on my heart, and tell the Lord that i do not know what the day will bring- but I will seek Him with all that I do.

And then do that.

I did not just eat an entire bag of mini Cadbury eggs. I did not.

There are still 4 in the bag.

My thankfulness to the Lord is my heart. It makes my heart swell insanely.

Great is the Lord and worthy of praise.

Be strong and take heart and wait on the Lord.

Joy, peace, love, faithfulness, gentleness, patience, goodness, kindness, self-control.

Cast my fears on Him.

Be strong and very courageous.

The goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.

Be still and know that He is God.

The Lord will fight for you, you need only be still.

Not a sparrow falls.

He feeds the birds of the fields.

He made this day.

He knows the desires of my heart.

He made me.

He loves me.

He is love.

He is my God, my Savior.

The Creator of the Universe who gave His only son to perish on a cross wants me to not only love Him, but He wants to love me, and He wants to bless my life, He wants me to trust and obey that even if I don't understand what is happening, that He is in control and that in all my ways I can acknowledge Him and He will be there on my path.

I called, He answered. He came to my rescue, and I only want to be where He is.

"it's all alright, i guess it's all alright, I've got nothing left inside of my chest: but it's all alright"

Thank you Lord for using everything for Your Glory, I will draw near to you, and You say in Your Word, that you will draw dear to me.

thoughts from 10,000 feet

Sometimes there are many things that I want to write about.

And sometimes I take a step back and don't say what I want, which I am sure is hard for a lot of you to believe. But believe it, I have been holding my tongue as of late.

There is one thing that I do want to talk about today.

Being thankful to the Lord. Honestly, it is the one thing that consistently gets me back on track. I rest fully and wonderfully in knowing that the Lord loves me, that He will mold me into the woman He wants me to be, and that He wants good for me, not pain. He is the Sovereign King- ruler of all- not a sparrow falls from the sky that He doesn't know about.

Not a sparrow.

Not a moment of my life is out of His Hands.

I am thankful and I have joy. Things have been painful. Things have hurt- but the Creator of the Universe has me in a trial to better me for His use. This is the ultimate training. I have the opportunity to recognize that every single painful word spoke at me, every painful memory, every reminder, is something the Lord will use for my good.

I have an urgency to be still before my Lord, to rest, perched on His shoulders letting Him shield me from the pain. And sometimes the pain still comes- BUT: I have His Word, the truth, the comforts of the Psalms, the wisdom of Proverbs, and lately a newfound appreciation for Isaiah. It is a Living Word- and it is the solid ground that I must stand on, all other ground is sinking sand.

I am so not perfect. And I don't crave perfection for others- I want to please the Lord. And i realize more and more that the only way I can stay calm and rest in Him is to be still and wait for the Lord.

And not speak.

I don't feel muzzled- I simply am finding wisdom in not muddling my words, but simply to stick to the truth and God's Word.

Everything else is sinking ground.

my heart right now is for my children. such a rare opportunity to be one roll right now- mother- and i am thankful to the Lord for this- my children are my great ministry, He has given me these beautiful little crazy creations, and I serve my Lord in the way I love and raise and train them.

And in doing this, the Lord pulls me closer to Him- I need my eyes on Him, my heart focused on the Truth, and to be standing on the solid rock.

This whole situation is honestly harder than I thought possible.

But: what makes me weak shows how strong He is.

because what I will tell you is this- He only is sustaining me, He is giving me strength to face each day: and each day He gives me is one more than I deserve.

He loves me.

I want this experience in my life to be life changing- I want to be stronger in the Word, i want to see every moment as an opportunity to be thankful for the Lord, and I want I count it all joy.

It is all joy. Perserverance in the greatest race ever, this life that is temporary, these moments just that: a moment in time and then: heaven with Him.

Lord, i am so thankful for the truth of your Word and for the freeing truth You have given me.

This morning in church, with my sister-in Christ and best friend at my side, we sang;

"I called, You answered, You came to my rescue, and all i want is to be where you are".

That is my prayer Lord. Sobbing uncontrollably in a bathtub 2 1/2 months ago, seeking Your help, I called and a little more than 24 hours later you answered. YOU came to my rescue. And even though the pain is still burning- You are my comfort, You are my strength, I can rest in Your love and Your mercy.

Lord you are so mercy.

And as this airplane jerks around like a low budget amusement park ride, I fear not with a smile on my face, with my best friend at my side, I know You are in control, always and forever You will rule my life, I will fail and fail again- but Lord my desire is to know You more, to Love you with all my heart, and to serve You.

You give me so much more than I deserve. I will not complain for the trials that produce what You want in me.

Your sovereignty is either my greatest comfort or my worst nightmare.

I am comforted.

oh and yes.

i have many different reasons for being absent from this space for so long. i have actually been debating whether or not i would continue to blog. i'm not overly thrilled about some things. some stupid things. and i will not make this blog by subscription only. not because i am on a soap box, but because i want the Lord to be able to use this space, i want to be able to encourage others.
and so, if i have to continue to take a little bit of slack, well, then i will take a little bit of slack. i'm growing thicker skin. i am remembering that the Lord doesn't speak to us out of guilt or shame or hurt or pain, but through the truth of His Word. nobody else's words.
i have had a lot to say. which isn't surprising. i am wordy.
however, a little bit of amazing-ness entered the world this week.
and i have been fairly busy falling in love. in a wonderful way.
but, this post isn't about beautiful Hope Olive Hopper. another one will come. soon.

this post is about what i have been processing for the last week.
i find that when i re-tell my story (which i have done countless times in the last 10 days) i spend a lot of time talking about what happened to me, and what other people did. and that really seems to dwell mostly on the pain and anger and betrayal that was involved.
and i don't want to do that anymore.
my life isn't about what happened to me. it is about what the Lord has done. it is about what the Lord is doing.

Surely God is my help; the Lord is the one who sustains me.
Let evil recoil on those who slander me; in your faithfulness destroy them. i will sacrifice a freewill offering to you; I will praise your name, O Lord, for it is good. For he has delivered me from all my troubles, and my eyes have looked in triumph on my foes.
Psalm 54: 4-7

i love this verse.
for the last 2 1/2 months, i have been thinking about what the Lord is teaching others involved in this situation, and have thought more about how He is my help, and has delivered me from my troubles.
i really haven't thought about what i lost. because for me, my loss is His gain.
for the last 1-2 years of my life, there has been a lot of pain, and a lot of confusion. and a lot of feeling crazy. so when, i was finally given the truth i had been desiring, i felt relief. relief, shock, pain, hurt... a lot of emotions bundled into one, that unfortunately came out in me as anger.
and now, that i sit back and sort of process through what has happened, what the Lord has done, what He is doing, i do see what i have lost. a life. a life that i had. a life that i didn't plan to go this way. and i realize now, what the Lord will take to grab you and hold you close to Him. i wasn't far from Him. not by any means. but i wasn't where i am now. and i am very content with where i am with Him. i am eager to know Him more, eager to draw closer to Him, and i want His Word written on my heart.
and no, i am not sad about the cost of this. the Lord gives and He takes away. i am not sad, because i asked for this. in my utter despair, i asked for the craziness that was overcrowding my brain to go away.
the Lord wants me. He has a purpose for me. He's got me. and i know that this trial in my life is anything but over. i am only at the beginning of what is to come. and everyone is watching. do i choose to dwell in anger and bitterness- or to i embrace joy through my trial.
joy. i want it, and i know that i have it. i just don't always use it.
its been on my heart a lot today. to be joyful and loving. to have a smile of my face that isn't forced, but is there because the Lord puts it there, because He is my joy, because He is the giver of joy, because He wants my joy to be a reflection of who He is.
the trials that we go through are not meant to destroy us- but to reshape us, to mold us, the Lord uses them to work us into who He wants us to be- for Him.
at church we are going through James. how thankful am i for God's Providence? i have learned:
-the deepest happiness comes from being like Christ- the leading cause of becoming more like Christ is trials- God is allowing me this trial so that i can be changed into the image of Christ- this is what i want! what do i want to learn? if i try to cut this trial short, i cut myself short- because the Lord will use this trial for His glory. and in knowing that, in knowing that currently through every day where things don't feel great, the Lord is using it for His Glory and my good. just like a contraction brings you closer to your baby, this pain brings me closer to Him.
there was a little prayer in our handout:
"Lord I gladly embrace whatever You need to do to make me like Jesus. If it's a trial, please don't remove it until all the benefits You intend are in place in me and in others."
i know with great certainty, with complete trust in the Lord, that He desires a relationship with me, more than anything, He wants my love, and He wants to love me. and that is where i am. i am working everyday on growing in my love for Him, and there is so much more that i have to learn, so much more love to give.
and i know that the Lord has set me on a new path, a path that leads to Him, to eternity, to my future with Him who loves me.
and this path rocks.

From one man he made every nation of men, that they should inhabit the whole earth; and he determined the times set for them and the exact places where they should live. God did this so that men would seek him and perhaps reach out for him and find him, though he is not far from each one of us.
Acts 17: 26-27
and He is not far from us. and he has determined the times set for us and the exact places where we should live.
our Sovereign God reigns!
and i am thankful to the Lord, and for the Lord.

reminders.

mt. rainer. some mornings i step outside my parents house and am greeted with this. huge, magnificent. solid. some mornings i can't see anything. just a little cloud coverage. when its clear here and i drive around this mountain just seems to pop out of nowhere, and the total awe i get from seeing has not stopped knocking my socks off.
and i grew up at the base of it.
oh, what we don't appreciate in our youth. or really, what we don't truly appreciate until our eyes are fixed solidly on the Lord.

when i saw this mountain today, as i drove my sweet overdue sister my famous oatmeal cookies (at which she accepted, looked at, and said, "this is all? this is a snack". i won't reveal how many she was given. or how many i ate.) i realized how surprised it makes me to see it. i never forget its there. i know it is there. even if i can't see it. even if i don't think about that i can or can't see it- its there.
but when it is in full view and in its glory it just stops me in my tracks.
and it made me think of the Lord. i never forget He is there, I know He is always present, and some days when i draw very near to Him, He is very near to me. other days, i know He is there, but i don't see Him as clearly, i don't know what He is doing, what is working out in me.
and then- there He is, just like the mountain on a clear day. and He takes my breath away with His Faithfulness and Love for me. His mercies every day.
i know He has me on a path. and that ultimately His path leads me to eternity. i keep looking up. i may not always know the route of His path, or how long it will take, or what will happen- but on clear days i can see Him, and i can rest in knowing that His plan is still there- HE is still there. and just like a mountain, He is strong and solid, and He is not going anywhere.
if it is another beautiful day tomorrow, perhaps i will actually take a camera and try to get some better pictures.
or perhaps i will eat cookies and sing with my kids.
or maybe a new baby will be born.
or maybe the Lord will bring a new challenge into my life.
whatever happens tomorrow: He is center of my life. i can rest in Him, i can trust in Him.
and i do.

some nights.

"some nights i stay up cashing in my bad luck.... some nights i call it a draw"
and some nights, the Lord shows me more of who He wants me to be.
i have not be intentionally quiet these last few days. i was suffering from a bit of a stomach bug, that even today still doesn't feel quite right. however, i'm not complaining. it hasn't kept me down. and the Lord uses everything. everything.
i tend to stay up in my brain a lot. i tend to act and then dread what i've done. i told my sister i don't think i am an "over thinker" and she rolled her eyes. and then i realized what i do- i don't think things through first but after i choose a course or do something than i over think what i've done. and i tend to drive a lot of people crazy in the process.
mom, dad, ashley, serena: i am sorry.
i have this nagging desire to see everything in my life play out right now. i am not the most patient person in the world, and apparently it was evident from a young age (so says my dad).
patience is the first characteristic described about love in 1 corinthinans 13.
love is patient.
God is patient in His love to us.
God is love, so God is patient.
i am not patient. it is a fruit of the spirit. i can be patient. i need to be patient. not only because God asks me to patient, but because He desires me to patient because He wants what is best for me. He wants my good. and He knows that my patience will mold me into who He wants me to be. and through patience, amazing things will happen:

Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ,through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.
Romans 5:1-5

i have been guilty these days of lacking in trusting the Lord- even though i know i trust Him, and i want to trust Him- i have been failing in how i trust Him. and what i need to do. i need to trust in Him. and that means, being less in my mind. less over-thinking. instead, staying rooted in His Truth, and trusting Him with everything, and knowing that even if one little thing doesn't turn out the way i think it should or will, i am still standing strong in trusting Him.

i am still confident of this: i will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of living.
wait for the Lord, be strong and take heart, and wait for the Lord.
Psalm 27:13-14

this is my verse. this is me. i am confident- i trust- i will see the goodness of the Lord, i will wait for the Lord- i will be strong- i take heart- i will wait for the Lord.

that means, this girl must get out of her head. she must stop trying to figure everything out. she must wait for the Lord. she must cling to her confidence, she must be strong and take heart.
and why? because patience is a good thing. because i must count it all joy. because He wants me to have joy in my trials, and trust in His time, and that He will mold me into the woman He wants me to be in Him.
and there is something i know about myself, that i have known for awhile. i am an encourager. i can say this with complete confidence- because i know when i am encouraging someone, i feel different. i don't feel like myself. and feelings are fleeting. i am encouraging, because the Lord is doing something.

and all i really want is to be used by the Lord. i want to serve the Lord.

and when i allow my brain to dwell on things instead of trusting the Lord, i am taking myself away from the things He would be using me to do. yes- something life-changing (to put it mildly) has happened in my life, but He has given me joy, He is providing for all of my needs, His Grace is enough, and His blessings pour into this silly girl abundantly.
so: now it is time to get out of the pain, and into Him. and what He wants me to do.
1) devote myself to the ministry of motherhood; love and teach and cherish and train my beautiful children.
2) grow in Him.
3) encourage. be an encouragement, and be willing and able to encourage.
and you know what- if i am no good for the Lord, if i am not trusting Him, if i am not confident in Him, than how can i be any good for Him? He's standing next to me, saying, "hey, this situation might be a bit complicated, how about i take care of things, and could you just let Me use you, and love you, and will you the love the Lord your God, and Love others?"
sure.
terrific.
i'd be happy to.
but? let me dwell and put my brain through misery?
nope. someone slap some sense into me.
not literally... i bruise like a peach (never hit a woman... ross bruises like a peach)
but oh my goodness, i don't want to dwell in my brain- i want to LIVE in the Lord. i want to soak up His Truth, and i want to be USED for HIS GLORY.

"i guess its all alright, i've got nothing left inside of my chest, but it's all alright"

~ both quotes at the beginning and the end, were the first and last song i heard as i wrote this. seriously, i'm not making this up. this is the truth.

i am praying that i seek Him only, and not let myself dwell in confusion, but embrace His loving mercies, embrace the goodness in the land of the living, and that i draw near to Him so that He will draw near to me, and that i can be molded into a better woman for Him and be a blessing and a light of Him to all around me.

He is so good to me.

more truth.

if it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.

Romans 12:18

i must take this verse and place it in my heart. i know what the Lord wants of me, how He wants me to behave and how my actions will or won't bring Him glory.
and i want to live a life that brings Glory to He who loves me and protects me and cares for me.

last night sam was very frustrated with me, and yes, my voice was not always kind to him. and i definitely know that i wasn't being at peace with him. and i need too.
and so, since i try and keep this blog a reflection of this crazy journey the Lord has me on, i'd like to share what i sent to the father of my children this morning:

to sam:
i feel deeply convicted by what you said. i need to be more kind towards you. you are the father of my children and i know that you love them deeply. and i know like it says in 1 Peter 4 that we need to be clear minded and self controlled so that we can pray. and i have been praying and seeking Him this morning.
and as i cling to verse 8, "above all else, love each other deeply, because love covers a multitude of sins" and that is what i need to do with you.
i am so sorry that the fear and pain that i have been experiencing has been triumphant over that- that lets the devil win, and the truth is- i want the Lord's will for my life-
i do want to parent and live at peace with you. please forgive me for not seeing that.
enjoy your weekend with the beautiful babies we made through His love.

i haven't heard back from him, and that's fine.
i need to obedient to the Word of God. and i am either all obedient in how i am towards everyone, or i am disobedient.
and i want to serve and love my Lord.

truth.

Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another, be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble. Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing.
For, Whoever would love life and see good days must keep his tongue from evil and his lips from deceitful speech.
He must turn from evil and do good; he must seek peace and pursue it. For the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous and his ears are attentive to their prayers, but the face of the Lord is against those who do evil.
Who is going to harm you if you are eager to do good? But even if you should suffer for what is right, you are blessed. Do not fear what they fear; do not be frightened. But in your hearts set apart Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect, keeping a clear conscience so that those speak maliciously against your good behavior in Christ may be ashamed of their slander. It is better, if it is God's will to suffer for doing good than for doing evil. For Christ died for sins once for all, the righteous for the unrighteous, to bring you to God.
1 Peter 3: 8-18

never has been more imperative that i be STILL and TRUST in the Lord. He has given me a fast moving tongue (and honestly fast moving fingers as well) and i must use my tongue, my words, my fingers for HIS glory. i must not let my heart dwell on anger or anxiety.
and sometimes i do feel like a bear being poked with a stick.
"hey bear, its me Mike".
let it go Mary. HE wants everything,
He can have everything. He has me. He loves me. the number of hairs on my head are counted, even as they fall and land on my sweatshirt. the sparrows are fed. every moment on earth is accounted for by Him.
He is the creator of the universe.
take my heart Lord. it is Yours. You know that it is. i see Your Truth. i find peace and rest in your WORDS.
every step has brought me here. everything.
rocking out to a little music, layered up in my bed with a fan blowing on my face, with a baby shower to attend in a few hours, surrounded by loving friends, prayers that are being so felt that my heart feels lifted as a helium balloon in the sky, with my Bible at my side, His Words etched on my heart, with moments that i feel weak and times where i know it is so He will be the strength.
i am so not perfect. thankfully that is not a prerequisite for His love.
i'm become broken so He can build me back.
clay, a potter.
a willing woman who wants to be better. so much better for Him. He is my trust. He is my hope. He is my Savior. He can do anything. He will do anything. My shield, My strength.
I rest in His loving kindness, His forgiveness.
And I ask Lord, to quiet my heart. to let the words out of my mouth always be pleasing to You. Lord show me Your truth, and let my life be used to bring you glory.
in all situations- i will never ask why, i will simply open my arms and let You use me for Your Glory.
"i put one foot, in front of the other one."
i will walk towards the Lord, and the Hope i have in Eternity.

may the past be the sound of your feet upon the ground.

blog silence for several hours from me can mean 1 or 2 things, i'm either so ridiculously happy that i haven't found time to sit and type, or i'm feeling weighed down by pain and the darkness and can't really put safely into words how i am feeling. sadly, its the latter. or its been the latter.
and then i remember- who the Lord is. how mighty He is. how Great He is. how much bigger than me He is.
the Lord will fight for me, you need only be still. Exodus 14:14

The Lord is my strength and my shield, my heart trusts in him, and i am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to him in song. Psalm 28:7

Anyone who rejected the law of Moses died without mercy on the testimony of two or three witnesses. How much more severely do you think a man deserves to be punished who has trampled the Son of God under foot, who has treated as an unholy thing the blood of the covenant that sanctified him, and who has insulted the Spirit of grace For we know him who said, "It is mine to avenge; I will repay" and again, "The Lord will judge his people" It is a dreadful thing to fall into the hands of the Living God. Remember those earlier days after you had received the light, when you stood your ground in a great contest in the face of suffering.
Hebrews 10: 28-32

truth. that is what i have. God's Word. and it is so important that i remember the truth from the lies.
and i still have a lot to be thankful for. even when i get sucked into the darkness- the Lord is still there. waiting for me. waiting. not shaking His head at me, but just standing with open arms, ready to bring me back into Him, where my safety and security is in HIM.

Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry, for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires.
James 1:19-20
Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will LIFT YOU UP.
James 4: 7-10

if you are still praying for me, i'd really appreciate prayer in those 2 verses, because man alive, i need to quick to listen, i REALLY need to be slow to speak. and i MUST be slow to become angry. because what does it say- that doesn't bring about the righteous life that God desires for me. And more than that- its not who i want to be.
newsflash- i'm a sinner. and i think my by nature i lean towards getting riled up with injustice. and i struggle. daily. the pain is there like a wound. Yes- the Lord has healed me, saved me, rescued me- HE has. but imagine a gun shot. straight to the heart. the Lord saved me, however, there is still recovery, and it seems that things still cause that wound to hurt while it heals.
stupid human sin nature.
but- i can pray for that second verse as well- i can draw near to HIM and He will draw near to me- it says it, right there. that's a truth.
and i need the truths.

a story came to my memory yesterday as i was visiting with my dear friend Jill. oh, i love Jill.
and i remembered, talking with sam about a year ago, in his parents house, i had found him chatting in a words with friends game with a female customer who was a regular at his store. and i was really frustrated that he had the need to just chat it up with another woman i didn't know. and he got frustrated with me, because he thought he "could have friends". and i remember, a year or more ago, sitting in that bathroom at this parents house with him, and i started to cry. and i said, "you are going to cheat on me. you just are. this isn't going to last. we have an expiration date".
that is GOD's GRACE.
because, He started laying down peace even then.
and you know what. at that point he had cheated, and he kept cheating.
and the Lord saved me.

new headphones and louder music.

serena says i'm going to need hearing aids in 10 years. and vera says many people are losing their hearing. and i seriously doubt my ability to follow sign language for long. i mean, henry knows more sign language than i do.
so i bought headphones today, and i almost bought jeans. yes, at the same place. american eagle. a place of good smells, loud music, and an air conditioning system that wasn't working. it was hot. and the sales girl was slightly more interested in helping the young guy find shirts than help me locate a pair of pants that would fit my shapely frame. oh well.
we finished up the Prodigal God at church today. the Prodigal son. its been good. very good. i've heard now all the people who preach at church, preach. it was God's perfect timing when i arrived at this church.
i nice lady named Dottie has me sit with her and her husband. i sing way to loud. i'm afraid the youngsters in front of me are going to turn around and give me a look. so far no one has, and i guess i will just have to deal with it if they do. and by deal, i mean, give them a big smile and keep on singing loud.
i mean, i'm not auditioning for american idol. maybe american duos... Gus?
2 things happened at church.
the pastor talked about Joni Erickson Tada. i've heard her story before. a diving accident left her paralyzed at the age of 17. bruce (the pastor) was saying that here she was 17, lying in bed that first night, unable to move and her best friend in the world came and lay down next to her, and just sung hymns to her. joni later reflected on this, saying that her Heavenly Father had lifted her up in His arms through another's human flesh.
i get that. i so get that. He uses who is He is going to use to bring us radically close to Him. and i'm just going to say thank you. everyone knows how i feel about my serena. but there are others, my family who continues to sacrifice time and energy for me, and my friends, loyal friends who haven't left me, friends that i spend hours with talking too, friends. so i am thankful for the outpouring of love that i have received, and if i haven't been prompt to respond, know that i am doing very well. and that i am thankful.
thing 2 at church. guess who's going to start studying James? could i be more excited? nope. super psyched. SUPER. i mean- i am going through a trial! this is happening right now. and as bruce talked about it, explaining that he knew there were people who were struggling right now with horrible trials, i just thought, hmmm.... i bet there are people worse of than me. i mean, i am feeling God's grace. i am experiencing His love and grace.
i am thankful.
i'm going to share the lyrics to a song that is played consistently at church. i sing it very loud, and i don' t care who hears. i remember 2 weeks ago, this song was played, my eyes were closed, i was singing, and my sweet boy campbell was reading the lyrics to me.
seriously.

Your Grace is Enough.

Great is Your faithfulness oh God
You wrestle with the sinner's heart
You lead us by still waters in to mercy
And nothing can keep us apart

So remember Your people
Remember Your children
Remember Your promise
Oh God

Your grace is enough
Your grace is enough
Your grace is enough for me

Great is Your love and justice God of Jacob
You use the weak to lead the strong
You lead us in the song of Your salvation
And all Your people sing along

So remember Your people
Remember Your children
Remember Your promise
Oh God

Your grace is enough
Your grace is enough
Your grace is enough for me

So remember Your people
Remember Your children
Remember Your promise
Oh God

Your grace is enough
Your grace is enough
Your grace is enough for me

Your grace is enough
Heaven reaching down to us
Your grace is enough for me
God I see your grace is enough
I'm covered in your love
Your grace is enough for me
For me

my Gus, my Jonathan.

my dear Serena,

i have started a blog post about you a couple of times. and nothing was really being worded correctly. and so then i thought- hey, why not just write you a letter? i mean, its not like you and i communicate contstanly or anything. i mean, sure, a lot of our communication is done through goofy emoticons throughout the day. you know, hearts, dancing cat girls, koalas and sunflowers.
i've blogged about you before. because that's pretty much how much you rock my life.
but lately, you have pretty much gone above and beyond the call of being a best friend. and i am so thankful to the Lord for you. how could i have gotten through this last month and a week of my life without you? how???
you know how much i love a birthday. and i'm really bummed that i stole all the attention of your birthday this year. i hate being a selfish friend with you. and here it was, your birthday, and what were you doing? well, first of all, coming to my aid as i was sick and had been left alone with 4 children. you have such a servants heart- even if you don't believe it. and then, when i told you my suspicions, you didn't leave my side. you didn't leave my side. that was tremendous. because i was a mess, and you knew i was a mess. and in any phenomenal friendship, when one friend is hurting the other just steps in and takes care of it. and you did. you took care of my children like a sister would, you listened to me talk over and over again. you made sure i ate. and even when i was a panic, you were a soft reminder, "it might not be as bad as you think it is".
soothing, soft words.
i think how funny it is that i met you at starbucks. i mean, shouldn't that place bare horrible memories for me? but how can it? through starbucks the Lord brought me you.
my favorite thing about where our friendship is now, is how we can seriously communicate without speaking. and not in the goofy way they make fun of in bridesmaids- we seriously can communicate without speaking. of course, usually when we don't speak and just look at each other it instantly brings about laughter.
oh my goodness, have i laughed harder with anyone else? i should really print out the endless pages of google chats we have shared. but i don't think i can afford the printer ink for that.
you let me bounce all of my idiotic ideas off of you. all of them.
you are my sounding board.
you hear me tell the same stories over and over again. and then over and over again.
you check in on me.
you love me. and in that David and Jonathan way. that total trust and lay down your life kind of love. i know it, cause i feel it for you.
and the hardest thing about being in washington is missing you. hugging those sweet girls good-bye at starbucks. missing them.
we can always modify plan y. we can.
and make cinnamon rolls in heaven.
our friendship had grown so much this last year. a lot of loss, a lot of pain, a lot of challenges as being a mother and being a wife. and we had each other, to encourage each other, and talk things out.
and we do like to bake together. and talk about food. in fact, it would be pretty fair to assume that 20% of our talking was just about what we wanted to eat.
outside of my 4 beautiful children, you are the best thing to come out of 10 years of pain and lies. and i'd go through another 10 years if it meant i would have you as my best friend.
you are my Jonathan in how deep i know you care.
you are my Gus in how much utter goofy fun we have together. i mean... seriously... those late night google chats. seriously. i'm just nodding. that's all i can do.
you are also my Gus in that you do all the driving. even we when we are staking out people.
you drove me home. to my family. i ran to you, my friend, when the Lord took my life and flipped it upside down. but He didn't flip you. you were there. constant, consistent, loyal and faithful. and even with some mama bear/baby cubs furry.
you stayed up all night with me, and basically didn't leave my side until that train came to take you away.
there is no way i can tell you adequately how much i love you. i trust you with my deepest thoughts and my deepest dreams. you know my heart.
i am so thankful for you. so thankful. even though you may not think it true, i see more of who i want to be when i look at you. i am encouraged by you and your heart.
not everyone gets a friend like this. a friend who sticks this close. iron sharpening iron.
and even 2 states away, it hasn't changed us. you still make me laugh harder than anyone. you still send me emoticons, you still listen to me talk and cry.
the first week in washington i barely remember, but i do see you in the memories, there. always there.
it takes a certain woman to calmly drive a broken woman and her 4 loud children 12 + hours in a van... straight through.
i am looking forward to this next stage of our friendship. i am thankful that i have you. and i hope that i can be half as good of a friend to you, as you are to me. lately its been all about me, and i kinda hate that. less attention for the dorky red head please.
and you want to know something cool? if the Lord allows it, and i get remarried- you get to be in my wedding! even if its just a small little affair. how super cool is that? i mean really?
i know you aren't a lover of attention- at all- and so you will probably be a little red in the face over this, but please.
how can i not tell everyone in the world how i am so very lucky? i mean, look how much the Lord loves me? 6 1/2 years ago He brought you into my life so that at this time- right now- i would have a loyal, loving, terrific friend you would be at my side. He just loves me so much. God's Sovereign plan.
this blog post really doesn't do how awesome i think you are justice. but it will no doubt bring many gals out of the background with the strong desire to be your friend- because you are that amazing-
just remember- you already have a best friend.
me. Shawn. the one who always has something ridiculous to say out of my mouth and can quote most tv shows. and the David to your Jonathan. i'm not sure why i picked you as Jonathan, and me as David.
let me know if you want to switch.
i love you, my dear friend. thank you for how much you sacrificed this last month, and how you showed me Christ's love through the way you served me and my children.

i would hate to shatter any illusions.

so here it is. i'm not perfect. i am pretty much as far from perfect as a person could get. and i would never want this little bit of blog space to be an false representation of that. of me.
in the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead. but someone will say, "you have faith; I have deeds" show me your faith without deeds and i will show you my faith by what i do. james 2: 17-18
i have been excused of not truly loving a fellow person as a brother/sister in Christ, and "i don't know your heart, all i have is your words and i believe our mouth says what's in the heart"
so. what is in my heart?
this is know for sure. my desire is to serve the Lord. it is almost a desperate desire. i am so thankful for way He has rescued me from the darkness that i just want to give Him everything that i have. my life has been forever changed. i look back through pictures from the past couple of years and i can just see a radiant change in my face. i am smiling like i am on some kind of drug. its light. i have so much light in my life now.
i am seeking the Lord every day. i am spending time in His Word. i am putting His Word close to my heart. and i am talking about Him. praying to Him. well, i journal a lot. my hearts desire is for my life to show Him the glory He deserves.
that is my heart for the Lord.
but. i am not perfect. so terribly not perfect. guess i need a Savior, right?
my greatest failings right now?
~ my stress level seems to have no buffer zone. depositing my kids into sam's moms arms this weekend caused a lot of stress and anxiety for me. cause it represented the first time that the separation was meaning me being separated from my kids. not that i couldn't have stayed with donna and jess. cause i can. but i can't. i'm just not ready for that. i'm not going to apologize for this. i don't believe it is a permanent condition of my heart. but come on, my life for the last 10 years has just radically changed. i have changed.
that being said, i really hate how my stress level is jumping all over the place. because it means i am not using any of the fruits of the spirit. and i don't like that. patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness. i need those things to be what come out of me. that is what i want.
~ my language. i'm not liking how with the same tongue that wants to sing of God's goodness in my life is still struggling with dropping the f-word in conversation. of course, i'm not just using the f-word like i'm a character in a trashy comedy. my blood can start to boil, and it seems to just sort of spill out of me. and it doesn't need to. it really doesn't need to. i can have joy and love be what comes out of me, while still telling my story.
~ my struggling feelings with sam.
ok, so he's the one telling me that i am not loving him like a Christian brother. i am not typing this here in my blog as a means for people to pick up their pitch forks and start jabbing at him.
this is what happened: i went out to dinner with a good friend, i had one too many beers (yes, serena's attempts to fatten me up with baking has worked, but when you drink one beer in 5 minutes flat without food on your stomach.... well, you don't feel bad.) and was told an unsettling story. basically, about a year into our marriage, sam had invited one (that i know of) girl back to our apartment late in the evening for beers and to listen to music. something happened. she's saying one thing, he is saying another thing. he is mad at me for not believing him. he is mad that i am getting the way of his recovery from his problems.
and i told him- i texted him- that i hated him.
in the moment, no, not my smartest text. because i do not want to be a woman who hates. i want to fill my life with loving the Lord.
well, sam was all over this. he clung to this text and basically gave me the my mouth speaks what is in my heart, and kind of made me feel like i am being a phony in my declaration of my love for the Lord.
you know what. it SUCKS that i am still having to hear about crap that sam has done. it SUCKS that he can't sit down and be COMPLETELY honest. because all i want is all of the truth. and i have to realize, i am never going to get that.
do i hate him? well, he thinks i do. and he will know read this blog and be even angrier at me.
but you know what, i need to be honest here in my space. and i need to be able to talk about my struggles. yes, i hate that i have to keep find out stuff. i hate what he did. i do not want to be with him.
and am i struggling with my anger towards him? well, when i learn new things it really does set me back. this is the honest truth: i do not desire to have hate growing in my heart towards him. the truth- i've been through quite an ordeal, my entire life did just flip upside down. i had basically been a frog slowly boiling in water, and thankfully the Lord got me out before i died. but, it feels like every time i am shown more of the lies its like i dip my foot back in that boiling water- and it makes me angry, it hurts, and instead of breaking down into a sobbing mess (which i do still do) i get very angry.
i do NOT want to be angry. i don't.
sam wants to know why i can demonstrate grace for Cedar but not for him.
well, that's a good question.
i'm not going to be able to talk to Cedar anymore. and i would ask that those who are faithful in prayer would pray for her. she feels like she is in the middle of a bad situation. when she tells me that " i'm having a really hard time right now. being in between you two is making my nerves go crazy, i'm being told different things by both of you. and i want to believe both of you".
well. what i gather from this, is that sam is still talking to her. and i don't know what he is saying to her, i'd be happy to tell you what i say to her. i tell her i forgive her, that i pray for her, that she is dear to my heart, that i am here for her. and i try and listen to her and how she is doing with all of this, because it has not been easy for her.
seriously, my heart breaks for her. it really does. and why? because while i have my Savior, i know the truth, i am protected in my Father's arms and i am experiencing His love as He dishes it out in wonderfully creative ways, i don't know where she is at.
but i don't want to cause her pain, i don't want to hurt her. so i trust that the Lord is in control, and i will continue to pray. sam is mad that i am talking to her. he's mad that i won't give him grace.
well. he's still not been completely honest with me.
this is NOT a bad mouth sam post. it isn't.
i am struggling. i am actively working on my forgiveness. i everyday need my Savior to bring me closer to Him.
and you know what. i am NOT perfect. but i am striving to be more like Jesus. i want to love the way He wants me to love. i want to bring Him glory.
so i know that i need to work more towards what He wants me to do.
and so, when i am being told that out of my mouth comes the motives of my heart- i would answer with this: i am trying. this isn't easy for me. i am trying. my heart has been seriously controlled and manipulated and hurt, and as i am being changed and molded by my Father into the woman He wants me to be, i would ask that everyone remember it isn't instantaneous. and i will not sit on the high horse of this blog and pretend that i am something i am not.
i am trying.
and this:
therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. (i am hoping in the glory of God) Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance, perseverance, character, and character hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured our his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.
Romans 5:1-5
would you note how it says produces. not produced. meaning that i am not supposed to be instantly perfect- but produces- i am working on it. i am trying.
so. i will be actively seeking the Lord so i am not easily stressed, but instead easily calmed by His truth and love. i will be actively seeking the Lord so that i am not so prone to speak ugly words, but let my voice be something that brings Glory to Him. and i will be actively seeking the Lord so that i am not cultivating hate in my heart towards sam. i think the best thing that i can do in that regard is know this: i will only know the truth that comes from the Lord. He will be honest with me. He loves me.
there is a sky that i fell through.
and i am okay, well better than okay.
but not perfect.

back and forth

i'm underlining in my Bible. i've been going back and forth between orange and pink. both new pens, both from serena. the orange and pink aren't turning out well for writing verses on my hands, and sadly, the delicate handwriting that serena had done on my hand before i left to fly home was rubbed away much quicker than i expected. apparent airport flying nerves.
her handwriting is much better than mine.
but this post isn't about handwriting. and its not about pink and orange lines in my Bible. i had an idea once to read a Bible every year, and make notes and then eventually give a Bible to each of my children. recently i had an idea to start get a new Bible, and to devote an entire year to a different color of underlining. maybe i'll end up putting both of my hands together there.

I pray that you may be active in sharing your faith, so that you will have a full understanding of every good thing we have in Christ. Your love has given me great joy and encouragement, because you, brother, have refreshed the hearts of saints.
Philemon 1:6-7

i underlined this passage yesterday, and right next to it i wrote "this is what i want".
and now i clarify for myself- i don't want this- i want to be this. maybe its a lofty goal. but i am a fan of lofty goals.
i want to share my faith. for so many years i sat in my house, trying very hard to balance a life that didn't exactly share my faith with anyone but other believers. in fact, i felt concerned that i didn't want my walk to make anyone "uncomfortable". you know, not wanting to mention the Lord or that i loved Him, because i was worried people would feel like i was preaching at them.
its embarrassing to admit how reserved i kept my walk with the Lord. reserved. try hidden. even here, on this blog, that has taken just a "teeny" bit of a directional change.
i don't want to ever be like that again. my old self is over. over! i'm not worried or afraid anymore of what people think about my walk with the Lord. i am not ashamed for a stranger on the street to know that i think Jesus is freaking amazing, or that He loves me despite my constant shortcomings and sins.
WHO Jesus is, and what HE has done for us on the CROSS is NOT something to be ashamed of.
i mean, maybe the fact that when standing out in the dark and i am asked to find the direction north and the moon is out and wide and i still can't find north, now maybe that is something i should be embarrassed about.
i am directionally challenged. however when north is pointed out, i can find south. ish.
i am directionally challenged with the LORD no longer. my eyes are upward. focused on Him. focused on eternity. on a forever with Him. and even though there are nights where i have a little to much to drink and i cry and cry, i still know where He is. He's got me.

i am still confident of this; I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.
Psalm 27:13-14

who is good at waiting? i mean really? especially in this instant gratification world that we are living in. i've noticed slight changes in myself already though. i don't feel rushed. cars can go slow in front of me. its more time to sing super loud. people can be slow in the grocery line, its more time for me to stand a pray. i can wait in an airport parking lot for sam's mother to come while the kids fuss and whine and.... okay, that was admittedly harder to focus and pray during- but i did. and kept offering the kids snacks. and listened to Psalm 121 or as the kids call it "the up and down song". although mr. campbell finally asked for the "moving on song". turns out if i play the same song over and over again they do like it.

I pray that you may be active in sharing your faith, so that you will have a full understanding of every good thing we have in Christ. Your love has given me great joy and encouragement, because you, brother, have refreshed the hearts of saints.
Philemon 1:6-7

so. i will be active in sharing my faith. because if there is one thing that i know right now it is all the good things that we have in Christ. starting with the best, forever with Him. and then everything else. how i can be weak and He will be strong, how He will carry my burdens, how He will LOVE me, how He provides ALL i need. how He is my constant friend.
and i'm sorry- but if i can't give great joy and encouragement than i am not doing what He is asking me to do! i am an encourager. it is my gift.
and i want to refresh hearts. but not because of me- i don't want my actions or words or anything to be what refreshes, but i want it to be HIM. i want what Christ is doing in my life to just ooze out of me and spread.
because i am not doing any of this on my own. it is HIM. it is HIM. it is HIM and His new mercies everyday, His compassions.
the greatest thing about my current situation, is that i know who needs to be given my great joy and encouragement right now. and they are all downstairs eating breakfast with their nana.
talk about drilling it in hard. loving joy, loving encouragement, and finding my way to be the Godly mother they need- the Christ centered mother to 4 children that i have been entrusted with.

and so. i must be focused. on Him. my eyes- yes my directionally challenged eyes at times. upward.
if my heart was a compass, you'd be north.

oh the long days of my heart

it has been a long day. and self-admittedly, i should probably close my computer and not let my fingers slip over the black keys of my computer.
but my heart is heavy. and i don't know why.
i have no desire for a heavy heart. but a happy heart. a happy heart. bombs away.
seriously.
i've been chatting with a friend. well, we are friends now. both facing inevitable loss. and i am thankful to the Lord, that we can be friends. and as i sit here, in the dark, smelling amazing things, contemplating my life, wondering what the Lord will do, and wishing i hadn't thought it would be wise to drink my dad's beer after i had had more than enough wine. oh well. its been a long day.
everything makes it long.
and then the Lord shows me: perspective.
how much more He can do. how much more He does.
what He is capable of, and how much He loves all of us. He does. He loves us.
and He will catch us if we fall.
He will.
His will. His plan. His all knowing love and power. Nothing has happened that His hand wasn't in. and that is the truth. it is. as i sit here, sobbing. and not for myself. i am happy. i am.
but i know, there are others, who aren't.
thank You Lord, for who You are.
You've got me.
and i know that.
i know it deep down in the pit of everything. as everything spins around me.

for the moments i feel anger

i kind of like surprises. in a big time way. i have only been truly surprised a couple of times in my life. and i love the feeling you get when you think about a surprise again. that somersault activity in the pit of your stomach. its awesome.
big surprises i have received: a sewing machine that sam and serena orchestrated getting for me. and of course, the positive pregnancy test of mason, henry, and wilder. talk about surprises.
big surprises i have done- well the best one was serena and i talking ashley to disneyland last year. that was phenomenal.
until thursday. it seems like i plan a lot of cahoots with my best friend, who i have affectionately nicknamed gus. because she does all the driving in our cahoots. and i'm shawn, because i am usually quoting something that isn't original mary tongue.
with gus and my dear friend kris larson, we decided i would fly in to grass valley under the radar (well, i'm sure the pilot did keep us in radar) and surprise as many of my friends as i could. my idea- host a girls night for me (its just all about me) and tell everyone i'll "skype" in.
well, that definitely drew a crowd. a very surprised crowd. with tears and laughter and brie cheese and lava cakes and apple pie and (shocker) wine, i relieved the last 10 years of my life, and the last month. and as i stared at all my dear close friends it was wonderful to feel home. ah, how people truly are what make you home. its not a place. just like i can feel home here because of the people who surround me with love.
well, a little wine, a lot of sugar, and retelling my story, and the "expletives started flying". and i had been doing so good at not dropping the f-word. however, most everyone keeps reminding me that this word is being accurately used, as that is what was happening. but still. it riles me up- big time. blood hot through veins.
and then, i was told that sam's longest running lady friend had been given her job back at starbucks. and that flashing red light of rage was blaring in front of my face.
i went home with serena (gus) and was just irate. and i told her that i wanted to just go into starbucks and in front of anyone who was there point her out and tell everyone what this girl had done to me.
and as i was sitting at serena's table with my heart pounding hard and wonderful apple pie on the fork in my hand i sat quietly for a moment.
Romans 12: 17-21 went through my mind:
Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone, Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: "it is mine to avenge; I will repay", says the Lord. On the contrary. "If your enemy is hungry, feed him. if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head." Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

Phew. Big sigh. the sighs were back.
and then it hit me. mary, you are so ridiculously happy. like crazy happy. like wailing into dancing. happy. so very happy with the Lord. would i want anything other than what i have right now? NOPE. not even a little bit. this is where the Lord has me. everything that has happened over the last 10 years of my life has brought me here- to sitting on the floor of my parents house, typing on my computer, with "i'm coming home" blaring in my ears so i can avoid henry's strong argument to get out of the bath, with my Bible open at my feet. this is where i am supposed to be. this is God's plan for me. and i love it.
so why on earth would i be angry at anyone who was part of how God got me here? the Lord uses the sinful actions of people for His GLORY.
so why would i be angry or hateful?
that's just ridiculous. its like having a big bowl of maggots served to you for years and then finally someone gives you a big bowl of ice cream, and you start eating the ice cream while still complaining about the maggots.
STOP COMPLAINING! i never have to eat maggots again!
and then i thought about this girl. and i felt compassion. i thought about the example of a Christian that had been shown to her. and i thought of Jesus. and how much He loves me. and how i am a sinner. and how He hung on that cross for my failures and sins that i have done, still do, and will do. and how He hung on that cross for her.
and my heart hurt.
and somehow i found myself driving to starbucks, seeing her car, parking next to her car, and literally walking in with music playing by my ear. and once i saw her, i felt free.
i'm sure i scared her. i know i did, because she told me later.
but i walked up, and told her out thankful i was for her. how the Lord had used her, how i was set free, how i felt more love for her and for Christ than i thought possible.
and then we decided to meet up and talk the next day.
do you want to tell me how a person could walk up to a person that had hurt and wronged them and leave with the biggest smile on their face?
Christs work.
when i met up with her the next day, i happily ran from my car to greet her.
and it was wonderful. no pain. no hurt. no anger. compassion. God's love. Christs work. His love, HIS FORGIVENESS.
i spent a little time explaining my history with sam, how i had finally found out, how i had been suspicious for months, how he had changed. and then i apologized for all the hard words i had said towards her. she was able to talk, explain what had happened.
and she has been truly repentant. she looked at me and said that she knew what she did was wrong, she had a choice, and she knew the whole time it was wrong, yes he lied to her, and said really manipulative and harsh things about me and our relationship- things that she chose to believe, and that he made it hard for her to end things, but that she still made the choice.
no excuses. remorse and repentance.
and then i shared with her about what the Lord is doing in my life, how only He can be what takes true pain away, how He loves her. i gave her a Bible, with blue polka dotted duck tape on it (just like mine, thanks Gus) and the devotional Jesus Calling. she gave me socks. we are a lot a like.
and you know what. i have a new friend. because of what Christ can and will do. it is through Him, He has given me love and compassion. i could cling to hate and anger, or i could embrace the love that Christ offers me.
its freaking amazing.
so this is my new friend. i'm praying for her. i'm here if she needs anything. i know she needs the love of her Savior. just like i do.
and you know what, she makes a mean mixed cd.
cedar, i am so thankful for you. i am so thankful for how the Lord used everything for His Glory, and i am so sorry for the pain you went through as a result of His plan- but i know that if you embrace Him, your pain will be gone.

happy valentines today to all those i love. remember the best gift of love. Christs Work.
and eat a york peppermint patty, because they are awesome.

music

i've not hidden that music has been a huge blessing to me. it has. i've actually branched out towards some music that i listened to bttwr (before the truth was revealed). i find that even secular music at this point i can find truth in. i guess it depends on what you are looking for.
and right now, i'm looking for songs that pump me up, in a positive Jesus way.
so, since today was a little odd for me. and i don't want to expand more on that. there is always the bright light of what Christ gives me everyday. and every day He pulls me closer to Him, shaping me like the potter shapes clay, and i am hopeful that everyday i become for useful to Him.
my current goal, to offer as many smiles as i can, to let the love of Christ shine out of me.
of course, i'm not always perfect.
i may or may not have gone through a starbucks drive-thru today, and while waiting for my drinks asked the pretty barista if she felt like everyone who worked there as pretty close. she smiled and said, "oh yes". i was like, yeah, my husband used to work for starbucks. and she asked, "oh, did he think they were a close group?" and i smiled and said, "i think so, seeing that he was having sex with the baristas in the back room."
i'm not perfect.
and maybe i have a shameful smirk on my face.
maybe.
back to music that pumps me up.
this is my new theme song. and it "may" bum people out. oh well. i listen to it everyday. my kids hear me singing it very loudly. if you were in the van with me you'd be getting a private dance show.
well, if you are driving next to, you are getting a private dance show.
http://youtu.be/LLNcsqHwoXI
that link will you take you to the video... its not a great video. but you won't really be able to picture me rocking out unless you watch it. this is a Christian punk/emo band.
here are the lyrics:

Pressing On
Relient K

I think we're going somewhere.
We're on to something good here.
Out of mind, out of state.
Trying to keep my head on straight.
I think we're going somewhere.
We're on to something good here.
There's only one thing left to do.
Drop all I have and go with you.

[Chorus:]
Somewhere back there I left my worries all behind.
My problems fell out of the back of my mind.
We're going and I'm never knowing (never knowing) where we're going.
To go back to where I was would just be wrong.
I'm pressing on.
Pressing on, all my distress is going, going, gone. (pressing on, pressing on)
And I won't sit back, and take this anymore.
'Cause I'm done with that, I've got one foot out the door.
And to go back where I was would just be wrong
I'm pressing on.

I think we're going somewhere.
We're on to something good here.
Out of mind, out of state.
Trying to keep my head on straight.
I think we're going somewhere.
We're on to something good here.
Adversity, we get around it.
Searched for joy, in you I found it.

You look down on me, but you don't look down on me at all.
You smile and laugh, and I feel the love you have for me.
I think we're going somewhere.
We're on to something good here, and we're gonna make it after all.

now, the 2 other songs that aren't exactly Christian, but are getting me pumped are both by Jack's Mannequin.
and you should watch the videos. and then think of my sweet sister. who in reference to Andrew from Jack's Mannequin said "I wish he'd play me like that piano" i can't remember the last time i laughed that hard.
well, i do. cause, He's turned my wailing into dancing.
http://youtu.be/sA8PaIw5gcE for swim
and
http://youtu.be/jrOMu-lmfnI for resolution.

enjoy.
cause its 11pm and i've got earbuds in at a way to high level, and i'm having my own little music party.
and then i'll take my ear buds out, read my Bible, and then listen to music from "my jesus" mix as i fall asleep.
occasionally i get good dreams.
two nights ago, 2 of sam's ladies were in it.
less fun for me.
but- i'm pressing on.

when my mind briefly falters.

i went to bed last night, late. i usually go to bed late. everything in my life has become such a complete shift for me. i used to get up super early, and now, its the night time that arouses me. i used to move mountains to work on my physical body, now i feel weary if i am not working on my spiritual body. i used to feel like fading back into a crowd, now i want to tap dance in front of a fireplace letting the love of Christ that is in me shine out for all to see. for Him, not for me. i am but nothing. it is He is me that makes me everything that i am.
i meditate a lot on the truth. my mind for the last 10 years has been victimized of doubts. certain things like, "well, sure lots of husbands fall asleep in their cars at 3 am and just don't come home..." when that happens like 4 times and you are trying to convince yourself you aren't crazy, well- it makes you crazy.
if i keep my mind centered on the truth of Christ, if i keep my life open and willing to serve and love, if my mind is meditating on the Lord, if i am walking with Him.
i find myself saying little things over and over again to myself:
God is Sovereign (this is huge, it means nothing is a whoops, it means God is in control) He's got me, Jesus loves me, Jesus died for me, The Lord will fight for me, i need only be still, Be still, be strong and very courageous.
and, i do a lot of picturing in my mind, i picture myself in heaven, praising Him in all His glory. i picture myself in a place where there is no pain, no heartache, just Him and glory.
i picture myself at the cross. i picture my Jesus dying for me- He who was perfect, i am who am perfectly flawed and fail in every way, someone else wants me to be perfect.
so last night, as i was falling asleep, and my mind is tired, and the little lies that the enemy tries to bait me with plop into my head, i felt tired.
and this morning, i am not.
bring it on.
the doubts and fear that cloud by mind creating lies are thing that cause me to doubt who the Lord is. so i can cling to truth.
the greatest gift i have ever been given: salvation.
EVERYTHING else that is in m life- gifts from the Lord! all the people, all the things, all the experiences (even something painful like the experience i have been dealing with) and when i let myself worry for even a split second, that well- what if i don't have certain gifts tomorrow? what if something is different than today? well, then i sin and take the glory away from the Lord- because he is the master gift giver and He takes joy in how happy what He gives me makes me. and i know that tomorrow when i wake up i will have at least- which is also the GREATEST (i wake up every morning with the GREATEST gift at my feet) the amazing gift of eternal life. every other gift if a bonus. i have already been given the best.
so i will enjoy every gift my Father gives me today, for every second. this is why He it upsets Him when we complain- LOOK at what He has given us.
i will enjoy what my Father gives me. i will treat my gifts well with respect and in a way that is pleasing to He who gives them.
and i will be thankful. so very thankful.