Utter randomness of a stranded girl.

Life cracks me up. I don't remember ever pushing a broke down car before. It was more fun than I thought it would be. The Lord is forever faithful to me. As my little brother's car continued to stall and stall as I was driving, He protects me. No one slammed into me. No one even honked. Honking makes me sad.

I perched in a Starbucks, sipping coffee, and thoroughly enjoying the humor in the situation. I am always brought back to my Lord. And I love it. I am not helpless. I am taken care of.

And I am so happy I slipped earbuds in my purse. The Starbucks worker might not be, as I'm having a private rock out session right now. Some nights. So good. And my baby brother wants to go with his 30 year old sister. Poor kid, he will be thoroughly embarrassed as I try to dive for the stage. Oh well, i'm only young once, right? And somehow I feel 16 half the time. The earbuds and dancing around probably doesn't help.

This morning SUCKED. But you know what? The Lord is faithful and good.

I'm going to let you all in on 2 secrets:

1) I am not PERFECT in the way I talk to Sam. I'm sorry. He cheated on me. He broke my heart. Forgiveness is an on going process. And pain is real. Super real. And frustrating. And so you know what- I am not perfect. But that doesn't mean I don't love the Lord or always want to seek Him. It just means I am a sinner who desperately needs her Savior. And wine. And coffee. And probably 610 other things- but my Savior- His grace is sufficient. He gives me love. He has my heart.

2nd secret- I realize the microscope I am under. Every move I make is watched. And my mind wants to work on overdrive. But I'm not going to let it. I rest in HIS truth. And it comforts me. Nothing can separate me from the love of my Savior.

So. This is all of me. I am an imperfect girl in every way. But I am FAITHFUL. He has always been the Lord of my life and I will keep my gaze happily directed on Him.

And I will cling to the word of God.

And Yorks. And earbuds. And laughter from 4 children.

And the smiles sent my way.

God's love is there. God's love is here. HE is faithful.

My maker loves me.

And the sun is shinning today. The wind has been fierce, and it shows me His strong presence. And the sun is His faithfulness.

And The Son is my hope, and joy, an salvation.

"it gets better, it gets better"

I love music in my ears.

Try

I don't know why, but this song is my go to first song lately. I couldn't understand all the words, which just goes to show how super cool I must have sounded singing it.
and then i found the lyrics. and i think i know now why this is my go to song.
you can listen to it here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7cRqaqtPDPY

Try
Straylight Run

Well, I am just guessing.

I'm doing my best to make some sense out of senselessness.
I'm talking to my wife,
I'm drinking too much wine.
I'm working on words, music, and melodies.
This is the best, this the worst.
I am the last, I am the first.
I'm placing blame and taking credit in a world I can't control.

I try to find a way just to say what I'm chasing,
Define what I'm making,
Believe what I'm saying.
To fill this space and feel like I belong.

I try to find a way just to say what I'm chasing,
Define what I'm making,
Believe what I'm saying.
To fill this space and feel like I belong.

I feel I have to find some meaning.
I don't think I see any.
I don't know what it is I see at all.
Well, no one's got it right, yeah,
They're just telling lies
Combined with their own special kind of truth.
This is the best, this is the worst.
I am the last, I am the first.
I'm placing blame and taking credit in a world I can't control.

I try to find a way just to say what I'm chasing,
Define what I'm making,
Believe what I'm saying.
To fill this space and feel like I belong.

I try to find a way just to say what I'm chasing,
Define what I'm making,
Believe what I'm saying.
To fill this space and feel like I belong.

When truth is just opinion,
When facts entwine with fiction.
Well, I just keep wondering:
What is there to believe in?

I try to find a way just to say what I'm chasing,
Define what I'm making,
Believe what I'm saying.
To fill this space and feel like I belong.

I try to find a way just to say what I'm chasing,
(When truth is just opinion)
Define what I'm making,
Believe what I'm saying.
(When facts entwine with fiction)
To fill this space and feel like I belong.
(Well, I just keep wondering:
What is there to believe in?)

I try to find a way just to say what I'm chasing,
Define what I'm making,
Believe what I'm saying.
To fill this space and feel like I belong.

2012

I'm having a rough start to 2012. But as I sit here before 6 am, not even 6 hours into the new year, I am going to try and start strong- even if it is only in my mind-

Instead of dwelling on: I awoke at 5:30 (not 5) which is supposed to be alone time in the morning, I awoke alone- Sam's already at work. And not to the sounds of silence, to the sounds of two boys laughing awake downstairs, and the screams of my baby upstairs. The two downstairs are coughing and snotty, but happy. The one upstairs is covered in vomit that is dried and old from who knows how long.

That's all before a cup of coffee.

But you know what? New year.

Campbell was happy enough to return to his room with the knowledge he couldn't get up (quiet downstairs) after I got Wilder cleaned up he is now snuggled up to me in bed, half snoring through a stuffed up nose. And Sam had made the coffee before he left, so I am enjoying my first cup of coffee of 2012 in bed.

See, it's all how we choose to look at things, right?

Speaking of looking at things- I'm doing odd resolutions, and I guess one will have to be: take contacts out! My eyes are burning!!!

I'm going to gather my thoughts on the things I want to do this year, but after my eyes aren't burning, and the snoring baby on me is feeling better, and my coffee is consumed.

Happy new year.

my obsession

ok- so that title is fairly misleading, because so many things could be considered my obsession. for example:
anything with a hood, journals, bags, hoarding glass jars, the search for the perfect hair curl product, anything tina fey does, sam waterson, homeschooling curriculum, anything the firm does.

to name a few.

but for the next few minutes, i would like to share a little bit about my obsession with diet and sugar. i am sure that i have mentioned my diet issues... right? well, i don't need to refresh anything here, because it is a snooze fest. but lately, i have been really feeling down on myself because i have been eating really poorly. like 3 solid weeks of feel better food. like, making the pioneer woman's truly awesome chocolate sheet cake 3 times in one week and still wanting pizza for dinner poorly.
poor diet aside, the worst part is it is just now starting to cool down. good-bye forgiving stretchy skirts- hello jeans which have become smaller since the last time i wore them.
fantastic.
but i did this to myself. so for the last week (a week, wow, such an accomplishment) i cut sugar out of my mon-fri life. okay- it was mon-thurs, my best friend made me celebration cookies, which i had on friday.
but- anyways, i have been attempting to eat more purposefully through out the day, and stop my eating by 8 pm (i would love to have it be 7, but with the kids that isn't always practical) and then only having sugary desserts on the weekends. it is a slight modification of the no s diet.
so. after a week of no sweets during the week (note- not no sugar- i did have homemade blueberry muffins (but i make them myself, and the sugar isn't extreme) Izzy's (hey, the FDA says it counts as 2 fruit servings) and fruit strips (yumm) i am pretty happy. well- i was mon-thurs. i felt accomplished, and happy- because i knew that i was eating good, healthy things for my body and that my snacking was finally under control.
well. thursday... we ate at sam's parents and had my favorite dinner... taco salad- which, my plate was too full... fail.
friday, sam brought home chipolte... awesomeness, but when i poured it on my plate, holy banana times it was so FULL, and then... cookies. 2, but cookies. and a portion of a cookie and several chips at like 9:30... fail.
and then tonight, after a great day of moderate eating, we had pizza for dinner (not the worst thing ever, and mine was full of freshly chopped veggies) but i had a cookie (darn they are good) and i made these. smores. cookies. bars.
yeah.
and you know what? my tummy hurts. and i did it to myself. and psychologically i am kind of freaking out. and i did it to myself.
soooooooo.....
how do i do this? i love sugar. it is delicious. it tastes great, and their are some really fantastic recipes out there that are just begging me to try them.
yum.
but, here i am, with a full tummy that is aching at me, and i feel guilty. and i don't want to feel guilty, and i want to have that accomplished self-control feeling.
ok, personal therapy here, as i work this out through my typing.
the smores cookies bars, as fantastic as they were- are really really rich, and perhaps not the best thing to eat after dinner of something like pizza. lesson 1.
and maybe- even on the days that i choose to have sugar- it needs to be one thing. not 2, like i did today.
and maybe it should be one day of sugar. not 2.
well, seeing that i have had 2 days of sugar, i will probably not have any tomorrow. i am a big fan of tossing items in my freezer and saving them for later. that and sending freshly baked goods to starbucks. and hey, if i take them tomorrow when sam isn't there, he won't be tempted. everyone wins.
i will check back in about this next sunday. i can be strong. no sugar till saturday- no baking till saturday. and then next sunday when we are going out to the pumpkin patch, i will decide how sunday went.
and see if i can do 2 days.
well, this post got a little bit boring. but, hey- my blog is called generally wondering..ment...
so you get what you get.

i return with a story

for those of you who don't know last week Sam opened a new drive thru Starbucks in our little town. Sam has been a manager for Starbucks for, gee, 9 years? yeah, 9 consecutive years (that's also how long we have been married- he worked for Starbucks in college, moved to Redding, quit, then worked at a little place called Coffee Creek- after we got married i told him to go back to Starbucks... ok, gently encouraged.) and he has been up managing the Starbucks in our town for about 4 years? i know he changed stores when i was pregnant... but i've been pregnant a lot.
anyways. the "old" store was pretty dirty. and small. really small for how busy they were. and it was constantly under criticism for just how dirty it was. a lot of it was out of Sam's control- some of it wasn't. it was really frustrating for him.
about a year ago (maybe more) Starbucks decided that it was going to move the "old"store and was going to put over 1 million smackeroo's into a brand new HUGE store.
well, this sort of talk had been going on for quite awhile. but, it was finally really happening. and Sam and i both assumed he would get the "new" store.
yeah. that was an assumption. this new store was held over Sam's head. he really had a lot to prove, a lot to clean, and had to work really, really hard. the thought of Sam not getting this store was really devastating to us both. he'd been with the company for so long, it would be really embarrassing- plus would he have to commute to a new store? would he be fired? would he quit?
a very long wait.
which is over. last week- last wednesday at 4, Sam opened the brand new Starbucks. drive-thru, huge, huge, huge lobby, fancy pancy leed certified store (that's something to do with all local recycled goods that made the store)
it has been very exciting. and a lot of stress, and a lot of work for Sam. since monday morning when the old store closed, Sam has been working about 14-16 hours every day. we haven't seen a lot of him.
single parenting is not a lot of fun.
anyways- i am really, really proud of him. for both his consistent perseverance to prove himself ready to be given the new store, and just how hard he is working to make this store a success. and success it is: every day since the store has been opened they have more than doubled the business they usually see. its been- crazy.
so, i wanted to get him a present. i'm not sure if i have mentioned on here before, but a couple of years ago my husband decided he wanted to be a mountain climber.
when we met he said he like to camp. that was it. occasionally ride a motorcycle (which he has never done since we were married) but camping. back packing maybe.
but mountain climbing.
ugh. i have tried to be supportive. but it takes a lot of time- away from the house, training... and the gear- oh my goodness, the gear he buys. and- its dangerous.
then he decided he wanted to kayak...
anyways. i wanted to get him a gift he could use and enjoy, um here. something that wouldn't take him out of the house (because we do have 4 kids) one that wasn't dangerous (because- um we have 4 kids) and also, with the new store he won't have a ton of free time.
well, about 5 years ago, Sam enjoyed very much playing a little game called Madden Football.
have you heard of it?
when we had it on our N64, i really loved playing it with him. then he got a playstation and got way better than me. way better.
i still really enjoyed watching it.
every year the new Madden (cause remember the NFL changes yearly) would come out conveniently during Sam's birthday week- which is right now!
well, a couple of years ago, our old play station broke. and we never fixed it.
and Sam's been living, Madden free.
so- i thought he would be so surprised if i replaced the Play Station (with a PS3) and then for his birthday his parents would get him Madden.
but.... where is the fun in that?
i kind of can't resist doing things a little um, different.
so i told Sam that i got him a gift. and he got really excited.
and i got very mischievous.
i decided it would be very fun to play a little joke on him. so, i told him that i was really nervous about the present that i got for him, that i wasn't sure if he would like it (he assured me he would, that anything from me is great) and i told him this:
well, its just a little something small, to show you how proud of you i am, its nothing i've ever gotten you before, and its something you can keep with you and see it and know how proud i am of you.
i then proceeded to go to amazon.com and find this:
ok- for those of you who don't know Sam, this is NOT his taste. really, really, not.
so, i printed a picture of this out, wrapped his PS3 and hid it.
he came home, and i sat him down, told him that i didn't have the gift with me- because his mom took it for me to help me out with it.
i hand him the picture:
Sam: oh.... it's a ring...
there's a very forced smile on his face.
me: yeah, well, you don't wear your wedding ring very often, and i've never got you anything like this before.
Sam: yeah, its really... nice... thanks...
at this point i got up and got his real present.
which he opened instantly, squealed, and then rocked back and forth:
"i just was thinking how am i going to only wear this thing in front of you and no one else? i was so scared".
and then he kept looking at the picture of the ring and laughing.
its currently hanging on our front door, and every time i look at it i laugh really, really hard.
the look on his face was just so priceless. unwilling to hurt my feelings, trying so hard to fake that he liked it.
he did a really good job.
sadly, the PS3 is still sitting where he opened it. he only gets one day off.... most likely this month. hopefully he will get a chance to mentally check out and enjoy it. he has to wait till the end of the month for Madden though.
ok, this story was really long. and honestly, when i tell it is WAY better.
so, come over and i'll tell you it.

i am in a creativity stall zone. during christmas there was so much i was making, and so much i wanted to be making. and then i was done with gifts. and then somehow 4 some weeks passed and i haven't done anything outside of a little bit of embroidery and making some yo-yo's.
i feel like a chunk of my brain was removed, and i cannot find it. i had all these ideas of things i was going to be making, my christmas/birthday present list for others was all but complete in my brain.
and now? absolutely forgotten. and the worst part is that it kind of physically hurts my head right now. because i know the information is in there, and i just can't get it out.
i would really like to be spending a little bit of time crafting, but it is just taking so much time to figure out where to start, what to do....
and every time i flip through one of my many sewing books it usually calls for a type of fabric- ok, corduroy (which i love) and i never have that, and i just can't justify buying anymore fabric.
and there are gifts i could be making, but i kind of just want to make something for myself....
how bad is that?
i hope to free of this crafty brain block soon enough. for now, i think i will grab some scraps and make some yo-yo's. not sure what for, but something i guess.
if i mentioned an idea to you, please remind me.
thanks.

new years resolutions.

i have purposely not mentioned my new years resolutions. and why? it was inspired by a truly silly reason but one that later made sense to me. i received a fortune from a cookie awhile back and it said something to this affect:

speak less of your plans and they will be accomplished.

and it just resonated with me. instead of taking all the time to name off all the things i hope to do, i should just spend the time doing them. not that new years resolutions listed off are a bad thing, but i think i would rather mention them as they are accomplished.
or when they are stupidly messed up.
i had wanted to follow a "take a picture every day" kind of thing, and 16 days in and i have already missed. i unexpectedly stayed later at sam's parents yesterday than planned, and i completely forgot until about 5 am this morning that i hadn't taken a picture.
i'm a little bummed. okay, a lot bummed. but there might be a chance that sam took a picture sometime yesterday. if not, i may be asking around for a picture.
it would be a long post, but perhaps i will put up some of the pictures every month, and then link the rest to a flickr account? the picture at the top, my 1-4-11 picture. be prepared, most of these pictures will be of my kids. or food. or random things in my house that make me happy.
i don't get out a lot. and getting our more, is not one of my resolutions.
there are more resolutions. and more that i continue to make up and add. when they are accomplished, i will let you know.
as for now, my computer is running painfully slow (i have about a zillion to many pictures on it) and tomorrow i've got a gal coming to watch the kids while i learn how to defend myself. and to help her defend herself against the kids, i should at least attempt to have it clean in here.
right?

being caught up.

i have just discovered that i will in fact never be caught up. not right now anyways. i sometimes contemplate what it would be like to wipe my plate clean, and just have the kids and Sam and the house. but that's a funny thing to think, because it never is just those things, is it?
and i really am loving the other things that i am doing. but the truth is, i am feeling once again- overwhelmed. like, sit in a corner and shake with hysteria-how do i ever think i will accomplish everything- overwhelmed.
sadly, this little blog is one thing that is easily neglected. maybe if my phone was working i would actually start "tweeting" because i tend to have random one line thoughts many, many times throughout the day.
right now its almost 10:30, which i have been in bed my 10 pm most nights. i am happily sticking to my workout schedule, and very happily shedding the baby pounds. i have been neglecting so many things i just don't know how to get back there.
for someone who prefers to be on top of things, this isn't how i love to live.
the holidays are a busy time. starting an online class on the composition of breastmilk is a challenging subject. preparing for the possibility of a part time job gives me a second to pause and reflect how i spend my time.
i know that i do have obligations and commitments. and i know that i do love making gifts for people. but i also know what i need. i need to be silly with my children and try and not let my brain think about all the things that i need to do. i need to spend time with sam connecting and talking and vegging. i need to expand my brain and read, and pour myself into my relationship with the Lord.
most importantly i need to find the geneticist from the movie mulitiplicty and see if there is anything at all that i can do.....
i hope to share more of the positives of what i've been doing. i did get a little caught up on the blog for the kids. not so much narrating each picture (which i like to do, and need to do to remember all of this in the years to come) but some new ones are coming.
10:33. I really do need to go to bed. i really do need to make a list.
but i don't really have time or the focus.
15 days till i get to have a small vacation in portland, and then a week with my family for thanksgiivng, and then my first (and sam's) ever football game to attend. and getting to spend time with my sister.
and then, my birthday. and holiday fiascos. which just reminded me of something else i have forgotten to do.
maybe a list isn't such a bad idea.
the best idea would be a embedded chip into my brain that automatically listed everything i need to do, by priority......
so apparently i either need to start taking science and technology classes or
i need to give myself a break.

he could cook.

another day that i watch a little of our "extra" money disappear. not spent entirely poorly by any means, and i am continually amazed at how abundantly the Lord provides for this little family, but spent in one way that i could control a little better.
eating out. its my biggest vice, and my greatest luxury. i love to cook. love it. there's something fantastic about creating something delicious to eat and especially fantastic if it tastes really good reheated the next day.
but i hate doing dishes. and i hate cooking in the heat. and i hate doing dishes in the heat. and all 3 of those things must be done after one cooks.
sam knows that i know how to cook, and he loves the food that he cooks. but he equally knows how much i enjoy to have food that someone else has cooked.
and so, when i have found myself utterly exhausted this pregnancy (the total exhaustion deserves its own post) sam generously offers to run out and get whatever sounds fantastic, as i throw something mediocre together for the kids.
it could be worse. he could insist i cook, or hate spending money on eating out.
or he could cook, but i know that he is as equally tired as i am.
and so as i try to not think about how much it would total all added up if we didn't eat out a fraction of the time we did, i try to instead focus on how blessed i am, that we can eat out, that my husband is very willing to serve me in this way, and how yummy the food does taste.
because, in just a few short weeks (9 weeks to be exact) i will be resuming weight watchers, and i don't usually eat out while doing weight watchers, at least not in the beginning.
i am debating starting a 100 day fast from eating out, in combo with finding 10 new amazing dinners to cook.
sounds like interesting ideas. because welcoming a 4th child to my 4 years and under crew just makes me believe i will have oodles and oodles of free time.
on a separate note, if you want to get me a baby gift (you of course don't have too) i love gift certificates for food :)
oh and meals.

i hope i don't lose any readers....

but i truly hate spiders. i know one isn't supposed to "hate", but really, i absolutely hate spiders.
and somehow i think they know it.
i'm not sure where my hatred of spiders came from, but lately it seems to be magnified.
i seem to be un-naturally attracted to spiders, with an odd sense of "spidey" vision. really, i do. i can spot a spider emerging from a hiding place from a freakish distance. i think i might actually be able to sense spiders when they are in my presence.
but still, at every appearance of a spider my blood runs cold and chills overwhelm my body and i think it must be on me.
which reminds me. i would kindly love to stop shedding like a mad woman, because every tiny hair that leaves my head and floats to my arms runs panic through my bones. and quite to often sam and the kids wonder why i am doing an odd arm waving dance.
lately spider time has gotten worse. ever since the stairs to our laundry went in and we were able to utilize our "first" garage as a family/play room i have been on high stress alert for those 8 legged monsters. you see, the family room has a throw rug on the concrete- but everything else is concrete, with some brief exposure to the outside. it is a great deal cooler in the family room, but it comes at a great cost to me to be done here enjoying it. i am constantly awaiting for emerging horror. and so far, i have found one almost every day.
its the worst when the kids have their toys everywhere, strung on the floor. because i just know (and have been been proven correctly) that when i go to grab a toy to put in its home that it will cause a scattering of spider to race away.
growing up, my bedroom was in a basement. converted basement i should say. our laundry room was not finished. i think i finally begged my parents for the attic bedroom because of my fear of spiders (and my growing addiction to the fumes of bug spray). one memory will always stand out it my mind. i was hanging out in my room and from the corner of the wall a huge spider crept on the floor. i grabbed my spray and went nuts. as i was moving something out of the way a SECOND spider appeared, equally huge, requiring even more spray.
it was awful.
the laundry room in our home growing up with unfinished, with stairs that led to our carport and concrete steps. hanging webs would loom. and because this was a basement laundry room and far away from the rest of the house we maintained a strict "drop dirty clothes on the floor" and let them wildly pile up. when i was taught how to do laundry, i can remember the horrid fear that would arise when you would grab dirty clothes from the floor and pray that nothing would be moving on them or under them.
usually there was.
i will never know how my mother, who did the vast majority of our laundry handled this. was she not afraid of spiders? or did she maintain a level of bravery just for her children's sake.
my sister had the worst experience. when our laundry was clean, it was folded and stacked and left on a counter in the laundry room. apparently my sister had grabbed clothes to wear and left for school. it wasn't until later in the morning when she had removed her sweatshirt in class did she realize perched upon her chest was an inhabitant of our basement laundry room.
and now, my laundry is in a basement. i have returned to concrete floors and fear of leering guests.
i am ashamed to admit that in our family room/play room/laundry room that i have sent my children to the front of the battle field. blame it on the growing belly and exhaustion (cause its really a handy excuse for this) but i simply perch myself on the couch- after investigating it carefully for anything that moves- and with a shoe in my hand (for squashing) i carefully instruct my children on what toys to pick up, what clothes to throw in the hamper, etc.
all the while prepared to attack anything that has attached itself to a toy.
i am a woos.
and i think the spiders are retaliating against me. the other morning when i went to finish a purse i was sewing, i started to iron out the fabric and a tiny little baby spider scampered across the fabric- quickly, to meet its twin.
2 baby spiders on my fabric, which were quickly met by a third. of course this had me scaling the walls searching for more, the dead fear in my heart that an egg had somehow hatched without my knowing.
and can you even imagine how disgusting it would have been if i had ironed a spider into my fabric.
yuck.
the very next morning i noticed a bigger "momma" spider in the curtain of the same room. luckily sam was on his way home and was able to assist me in the removal of that visitor.
needless to say, i truly despise spiders. i really don't like many bugs in general. but i am frustrated by spiders, because ultimately i do see their purpose- to kill the other bugs.
but why God? why?
a talking cucumber once asked a grape (who was acting as an angel) if God ever makes mistakes. this wise grape answered no, never.
but in his mind, "the jury's still out on spiders."
truer words.
and yes. i did just write an entire post on why i hate spiders.

sprints

that's kind of what i am calling my quick jaunts in the house: sprints. i am containing all of the cool air inside our dining room- perhaps when i take the time to vacuum up the popcorn,cheerios, graham crackers and other miscellaneous treasures from the floor and clean up the rest of the craziness i will take a picture so all of you can see just where my days are being had.
anyways- air in the dining room. i'm sort of installing a "quick, close the door" mantra for the rest of the family. i am finding that if i can sort of sprint (if you will) from small task to task and then immediately retreat to the cool of the dining room, my spirits are not as quickly diminished.
this worked saturday afternoon, but only when i had divided the children up. you see, the second i leave them alone, they become slightly less calm and loving then i'd like towards each other. so i usually have to stop what i am doing and race back to break up whatever disagreement has occurred (usually campbell yelling at mason to stop growling- she likes to growl- or mason getting upset that campbell has his feet on her chair- yup, we've got real problems here).
this is partly why i want to get up early in the morning, so that i can get up and get a few of my many cleaning projects done. then i think when i let the kids watch an afternoon heat movie (sam told me that in 95 degree heat at 8 1/2 months pregnant he isn't expecting parenting of the year, just that i'm attentive, loving, and here- i can do that) and maybe sew a little.
ok. i promise, no more posts about my cleaning desires and heat. unless of course i wake up tomorrow with central a/c and a personal live-in maid, that would definitely be post worthy.

**i wrote this post saturday afternoon- the kids stayed saturday night at sam's parents (thank you!) and i was able to get in 2 solid hours of uninterrupted cleaning. there is still a lot to do, but i think if i can get up an hour earlier than the kids for the next couple of mornings, i can slowly get it done.

6 weeks to go, really?

pregnancy and the heat. not my recommended combination to anyone. and i will do all in my power to make sure this never happens to me again. give me my march/april/december due dates any day. the end of august. in california. in a non air-conditioned home.
ugh.
not that i'm saying a 5th baby is in our future. but sam and i are wise enough to stop saying "we are done" because it pretty much gets us pregnant every time.
i need a better system for managing the heat. right now all the kids and i are hauled up in my dining room- that's where the ac is. they've been having a snack and watching a movie. i really detest letting them watch movies through out the day, because it really creates little zoned out monsters.
i think i just need little small goals for every morning. if i can wake myself up early enough- like 5- and get a couple of cleaning or organizing projects done, and get dinner made (or at least ready to bake) then i can focus from like 7 ish on, only on the kids- schooling, projects, books, etc. from there we can really move as the heat moves throughout the house, finding cool pockets.
then in the afternoon, when some are napping, we can surround ourselves around the a/c and probably watch a movie, or something. i don't know.
i'm not trying to be a "debbie downer" it's just i am so behind in so many things. our house is really messy, i haven't cooked in awhile, and everything floating around in my brain to do, just isn't getting done.
i just need to catch up. what i really need, is my kids to be somewhere else from like 4 am to 10 am, then i could have that 6 hour window to CLEAN. once my house is clean, i can maintain it. right now, i can't- i'm struggling to try and get the basic projects done (you know, mold in the bathroom, a pink toilet from not washing it in a month, a kitchen floor that is disgusting, and a half organized family room that has no resemblance of organized).
i have a hard time functioning in mess. but right now, in the 3 pm heat of the day, i am resolved to perch in front of my ac, and watch my kids be calm and cool watching veggie tales.
maybe i will put crayons in front of them, so they at least are doing something else as well.

been up to

well, i kind of thought i would have to sit down and really catch up on all the brilliance i have been doing. then i checked my pictures and realized i haven't done quite as much as i thought. i went through a sewing whirlwind before i left for my trip up north, and took some photos of things, but not of everything.
oh well, it hasn't been to crazy to blog, i just- haven't. and now, it "should" be 6 weeks till the baby comes, and my long list of things that i would love to accomplish is growing as fast as the weeds in my yard. and my weeds are tall. and unruly. and i have zero energy to go out in this horrible heat and try and tackle them. my list grows almost as much as sam's "honey-do" list, which he has just as much energy for as he's been working 60 hours week.
we are wiped.
and even as i write this post, my brain is going in way to many directions:
why is it still hot, even in the room that is supposed to have ac.
where did campbell just run off to with his nigh nigh's- can i take a nap too?
why don't i have the energy to sew?
why does my sciatic muscle have to bother me while standing or sitting?
the table in front of me is covered in mess.
the floor below me is covered in nasty food.
how is it still 3 hours till sam comes home?
oh, i hate this heat.
maybe sam will want to go to target?
writing this post is putting me to sleep.
i need to make so many lists.
if campbell's going to finish his kindergarten year in january, what should i do with him after that? try and get him enrolled in a charter school, or keep doing our own thing....
the ac in here sounds like it is working way to hard.
i think i might take a book and go downstairs and read, maybe nap with campbell.
what are the chances the kids will stay asleep till sam gets home?

ok, i seriously have wanted to delete this post about 50 times. so, to close the mindless dribble that has become my brain, i'll include a few photos over the last month (ish) of life and try to come back later with something more exciting.

a wall in my mom's garden

the back of a dress i made for mason

the front of the dress i made for mason, have i posted these before?

a tiny little purse i made for a friend, my own design, but nothing special let me tell you.

a whole group of coffee sleeves i made.

you might not believe this, but in the time it took me to write this boring post for all of you, sam came home early! like 2 1/2 hours early!
i am a happy girl.

the jacks are gone.

there are some people who really don't watch tv. some aren't interested in it, some don't own a tv, and some just have better things to do with their time (and believe me, i can imagine if i completely cut tv out of my life- or any electronic stimulus for that matter- i would a valley of time open to be filled), sadly i do not fall into that category. i love tv.

not all tv. i don't watch everything on the "tube" but i enjoy to relax at the end of a tired day, and since i have become a parent everyday is a tired day and i have found that sometimes sam and i can muster nothing more but than to enjoy each others company and follow some plot line along.

i grew up in a family that watched tv (and we all still do) and i have unbelievable mad skills in television trivia. seriously. i know more about tv shows that i don't watch than people will have about shows they do watch.

it comes from reading a lot of tv guide as a child, and genetics i know i inherited from my dad. he has the ability to basically place any actor/actress/director in any work that have done. i have taken that skill and added other abilities to it as well.

if they have a tv only jeopardy, well- i'd be rich. which is sad to write that i would only be rich on jeopardy based on tv knowledge, i'm definitely not "dumb" but i am not a genius.

just skilled in retaining really useless knowledge.

why a post about tv?

because something should be said about how in 2 days, 3 legendary (well in my opinion) shows ended their reign. one that was planned years ago to end in 2010, one that decided mid-season to conclude, and one that was utterly given the shaft by the stupid nbc and if i didn't find 30 rock to be so stinkin' funny i'd swear off the network completely.

sorry.

LOST, 24, and law and order, are over. LOST has been said to have changed the way people see television with creative plots, characters, and just utter awesome-ness. 24 was ground-breaking in the idea of doing a show that occurred in real time and staring a chuck norris'esque character that couldn't be stopped: jack bauer. and then there's my favorite: law and order, which aired on network tv for 20 years.

3 shows, 3 main actors that ruled all by the name of jack.

i really love that name.

i have yet to watch the finales of 24 or law and order, but that will happen soon enough. i think its said as an adult to watch things end. bittersweet maybe. it's a reminder about growing up, putting a "remember when" on the beginning of sentences sam and i will start:

remember staying up till 2am watching all of day 1? (24)

remember crashing in hotel rooms on vacation, never leaving the room (not for why you think) but because the hotel had cable and tnt does law and order marathons every other day?

remember constantly battling out our lost theories hours after the show would end?

thank goodness for tv on dvd. i have good memories of these shows simply because of who i watched them with.

its weird to think that this new baby will be born in a "jack-less" world....

just kidding, i am not that weird.

well, i did just blather on an entire post about television.

hmmm.....

it's coming.

well maybe not today, but if i have baby #4 a week early (which is the plan) then really, its less than 15 weeks till we abandon the crazy of 3 and enter the mad world of 4 kids ages 4 and under. yikes. i am not sure which is more "yikes" worthy- the 15 weeks to go, or the 4 kids. although, newborns (my newborns) just sleep and sleep and sleep. and nurse. so really, its just working around that. i am not nearly as terrified with this baby coming as i was with switching from 2-3, i am really excited to meet this mystery baby. i am 99% sure most days what the baby is, then i start to doubt myself. i am planning on one specific sex, but will be absolutely shocked (like, are you sure that's my baby? shocked) if it comes out differently. i am pretty stinking excited about the nice 6 week break sam will take when our new baby comes. we've been saving up our starbucks stock, plus the money he'll get from the state, and it will make for a wonderful 2 months of baby-hood. we are planning on taking the family to zion national park sometime in the beginning of october (when it is apparently the best time to go). i've already told sam that we are driving super slow to get there- it will not be a drive there in one day kind of stint. we will probably stop through las vegas (where i have technically never really been) and find one of those fantastically cheap hotels (because they really want you to gamble, and let me tell you something- while in new orleans we went into a casino and i absolutely hated it, money tends to stress me out- when i am not trusting- and i just can't seem the appeal in playing a game where they take your money) and maybe do something fun with the kids.

15 weeks to go.

when i was new to blogging and pregnant with little henry i did a big weekly countdown with goals and such for each week, and quite honestly, i think it must have been very snooze worthy for the few readers i had (so snooze worthy it isn't worth posting a link to those old posts- i just put worthy/worth and posting/post in the same sentence, hmmmm) but i like having a countdown of sorts.

so instead of having many separate goals per week, i will probably just have a goal a week. or maybe just 14-15 goals- well, lets say 15 goals- here's #1: pick goals.

phew. better get started on that one. they probably won't be weekly, simply because i have the crazy notion that one will be something radical like: sew all Christmas gifts in July.

i'm not crazy. sewing all gifts in july might be crazy, but in all reality, with the amount of gifts i make- christmas is just knocking at the door.

so, that's about it- 14 "things" to accomplish, to represent what little time i have left before the baby comes. it will be really hard to just stick to 14, because already i am thinking, well how about 14 things to sew, 14 things in the house, 14 things to cook....

stop mary, stop.

and i will. because henry is crying in his bed, and mason is crying outside.

wish me luck sticking to 14 things, because seriously, the head is swimming!

outings.

the weather here has been crazy. i am pretty confident that in a few short weeks you will hear the never-ending complaining coming from my mouth on the heat. our new little house has energy efficient windows and ceiling fans. i need to find a window that will open correctly for our little ac, because i have never been fully pregnant during a summer in california and i am very much afraid.

monday it was beautiful. high 70's, clear skies- the kids played outside all day. and then monday night the storms came in, and yesterday it rained all day. and today it has done pretty much the same (with the exception of wild hail storms).

so when i just before 7 am to ice cold feet on my nice warm back (campbell) and realized the dreadful rain was going to keep my energetic kids bouncing off the walls, i decided to do what i really never ever do. venture out with them.

if this blog serves as any kind of AA- mine would be this: ATGOWMKIPA

translation: afraid to go out with my kids in public anonymous (side note, i spelled anonymous correct my first attempt!)

hi, my name is mary.

it's true. i am constantly afraid of the crazy that will occur. and because my fear is becoming "that women" everyone is a store is looking at as she drags her screaming child away from something..... well, i prefer to stay in my own 4 walls and watch the madness occur without any judgement.

but today was different. sam's heading out for 4 long days as he climbs mt. hood (he climbed last may, but didn't summit-aka, make it to the top) and i just knew i couldn't start my alone time already frustrated by the unfortunate side affect the rain causes my children.

so where did our great adventure take us?

first we stopped and had coffee and scones with sam. all of sam's customers love seeing the little mini sams as we come into the store. its fun. and i really needed more coffee. had i not got the perfect spot right in front of his store, i might not have braved the pouring rain. after fueling up we headed to:

target.

but we did go all the way to roseville (45 minutes away) and as we started our jaunt in the store, i let campbell and mason each pick our a very inexpensive toy. it was their preemptive reward for behaving (and this really worked, because they were very content). i "helped" campbell select a 97 cent toy car (because he really doesn't need anymore toys) and mason got a tiny little baby doll (that had a backpack with a bottle and keys).

2 happy toddlers, and one baby strapped to my chest. he really can't be there much longer, his new sibling won't love being kicked and squished by a big brother.

from target- to winco. i know, we really know how to have a good time. but we needed some staples, and i kept thinking that strapped to me and in a grocery cart was better than watching them tear our house apart.

it was slightly better. the kids were happy, eventually campbell had to get out of the cart to make room for more groceries. he kept suggesting food, but didn't get mad if i said no. we had one moment that i was sure was going to turn into the biggest disaster in the world (a kind of disaster that would have me never venturing out again). i turned from grabbing something canned to see campbell with the biggest GLASS jar of pickles you could imagine. it must have been the grace of God that i made it to him and the glass before disaster occurred.

by the end of grocery shopping, henry was flipping out in the sleepy wrap. no big surprise- he was 3 hours past a much needed nap, and had created something quite unpleasant in his diaper. as i was loading my groceries up onto the belt (wait, i never remember this part of grocery shopping- oh yea, sam does that) and then packing my groceries into bags (again, what? oh yeah, sam....) i did at one point think briefly about leaving the paid groceries where they were and fleeing.

you see, i had put henry in the empty cart so he would stop fighting me for freedom. only to realize how quickly i needed to be filling the cart with bags of groceries. i somehow trapped my purse strap in the sleepy wrap making it unable to get him back in it (all the while having the most foul smell in my face) and to top it off campbell kept trying to push the cart away from me.

but. no horrid screaming incidents. no potty emergencies at the wrong time. no meltdowns.

of course, as i exited winco it had started to rain. no worries, i had the perfect george spot. i was able to keep my groceries dry, strap in campbell and mason, and then change henry. of course, my back was absolutely drenched as i changed him, because the foul smell had exploded everywhere- including his clothes.

however, groceries got loaded (even though i was willing any bystander to take them so i wouldn't have to deal with them, as i remembered- sam usually loads them in the van and unloads them for me) and we headed off to (don't judge me) wendy's for lunch. where after finishing my food, i went back through the drive-thru for a frosty for me and the kids.

everyone was very happy.

we filled up the van with much cheaper gas prices, i started "a bug's life" and watched henry and mason fall asleep for part of the drive.

pulled into grass valley about the same time the sky opened up and started a downpour mixed with rain and hail. sure. i ran into the house, switched out of my flip flops and unloaded the groceries while the kids watched their movie. then headed back to sam's store (really just to drive around while the kids happily finished their movie) and while we were there, lighting filled the sky as the same time thunder crashed above and then: HAIL. it was awesome.

awesomer that i had to drive home and unload the kids in all of it.

but we survived. i survived. and now i sit for a quiet moment, and share the great adventures we had today. the house is a little bit messy, the kids are "napping"- hey, they are in their beds and not fighting at my feet, that is fine.

maybe i will be able to handle 4 kids. i figure if i don't practice letting campbell walk around on his own, release a little of my fear and trepidation on going out in public with my crew, then i will just completely isolate myself instead. and that isn't good for me or for the kids.

however, if you hear any "crazy red-headed woman what looked like a small daycare" stories on the news, just smile and maybe pray :)

slowly finding my feet.

well, i'm trying. i almost grabbed my computer last night at midnight to announce how happy i was to actually be sewing. however, when i awoke 6 mere hours later and found my finished project, well- i wasn't as proud.

there is so much crazy going around here. at any minute sam and i could be in escrow on a little house/duplex that we are trying to buy. it's bank owned, and they've sent their counter offer, and we've signed in and sent it back- so as soon as they sign in, we've got 10 days to get everything we need in order- appraisals, inspections, loan in order- etc. then after those 10 days, we are kind of committed.

like committed in the way the bank says the would want to close escrow on march 19th.

yeah. that's what- 43 days away?

do you have any idea how much junk we have accumulated in 4 years of living in the same place? paint a very ugly picture in your head, succumb to the fetal position and start to cry.

nah. actually, i am looking forward to moving. looking forward to releasing some of the junk and clutter that has filled our home.

and how am i keeping myself sane with the idea of 3 tiny kids, me exhausted and sick with pregnancy and the thought of up and packing any time?

i'm remembering all the other countless things that i need to get done before i can even think of packing!

for instance- i have that baby shower to plan- and it would be best if i could get invites out (this week) and the entire shower planned, and anything needed for it (including gift) set aside and ready to go.

i also have a baby turning 1 next month. i'm not really going to do a big party, just family- and just whatever family is around. no invites- but i do want to have a cake made for him.

and that brings me to sewing projects! i need to figure out what to make for the both my soon to be 1 year old- and 2 other babies that are coming into this world. i don't think any of my friends have birthdays between now and then.

but campbell will be turning 4, and it would probably be best if i had his birthday planned out too.

so those are the things that i am going to be trying to fill my time with over the next 2 weeks. i'll let all of you know how the house thing turns out.

2 days off nail biting, and i am proud of myself!

ok, back to the 12 am sewing project- i'll charge my camera and try to take flattering pictures.

sluggish

yup. that's me. sluggish. i was just literally staring at a wall. is there nothing to do? ha! if only. i feel like i have become utterly removed from my life. i can't keep blaming the new baby growing inside of me because if i were to be truthful and look pretty close i would remember that back during the christmas fiasco of gift making i pretty much checked out on most areas of my life as well.

i'm really not sure how to get back on track, and its bumming me hard. and true, the new baby doesn't help things- because every time i get the notion that i can jump up and start taking back my life, i get tired and nauseated and end up back on the couch.

it is a fairly vicious cycle.

even though i have children who need to be taught and played with (i haven't completely neglected them, but i am a WAY better mom to them in my dreams), a house that needs to be constantly cleaned, a house that may need to be packed and moved, a birthday gift that needs to be sewed, a baby shower that needs to be planned, and creations created from my own brain.

and that's the really short list.

if i added, children's clothes that needed to be sorted and re-boxed, children's clothes and toys that need to be donated, my clothes that need to be sorted and donated, a garage that needs to be cleaned, books that need to read, stories that need to be written, titles to vehicles tracked down, school journals to be made, excitement to create, lessons to learn, people to love, bills to be paid, cobwebs to be dusted, and christmas gifts that i really should start working on now. well that might begin to overwhelm me. and those are all the things that i can see from the couch.

i wonder what i need to see change to be a better wife and mother.

i know of one really tiny superficial thing, that is going to seem really crazy. and i am sure most of you are expecting- less tv, less internet, less self-loathing.

nope. stop biting my nails.

i've currently nit off 4 fingernails. it's an incredibly annoying habit that i have had my whole life, and i believe i started biting off one nail during the last Amazing Race season finale (new season starts on the 14th!!!! woo-hoo) and then a couple others fell victim. this may seem really odd, but when i get into the groove of biting my nails it causes me to stop doing everything else.

weird, right? it literally slows down my productivity, and once i start i just can't stop.

ok. so my small tangible goal.

to post a picture of my 10 glorious fingers in 1 month.

March 2nd. Coincidently, that is my next appointment for new baby 4. i had my first appointment today. the nurse lied in my chart about my weight gain. when i lied about what my pre-pregnancy weight was, she didn't believe that i could have already gained that much. i started crying a little inside. and so she wrote down a different number. of course it doesn't help when your huge gut is hanging out and you realize the baby is below your huge gut.

sigh. sob. sigh.

baby 4 has a heartbeat. all the ladies at the maternity health center are so happy to see me again (seriously, i am their favorite, and i love it) and they are all hoping for pink.

i am too. but more importantly, hoping for healthy.

ok, it's 10 to 8. time to clean up my kitchen, cuddle my 3 1/2 year old, and maybe work on the birthday gift that needs to be done by friday.

so hold me accountable- 10 finger nails by March 2.

i'm pregnant- they should grow fast.

an old picture

but i remember it well.

awhile back (say October) when i was busy sewing (most likely a gift for a friend) at my kitchen table, this is what i was busy looking at.

hmm- i can recongnize the project in the machine- it was October, and it was a gift for a friend.

so as i was busy sewing my fabric cards, i turn to check on little Henry who was playing on his mat. only as you can see below- no Henry.

why look across the room when instead you can look right down behind you? the brown in the picture is my chair he's reaching for.

what's the nastiness all over the carpet? oh nothing, that was my carpet. nasty, i know. however when i was up in Oregon after Christmas my wonderful husband (with the help of his parents) steamed cleaned the carpet.

now i just need to get my vacuum back- it's been lent to a friend. would have come in handy tonight, when mason knocked my glass with her blanket to the floor and it shattered over the carpet.

oh well. i think i got it all up.

why i'm not a blogging machine.

because i am not quite sure anyone is interested in the truly exciting life i am leading these days. my energy is completely zapped, and my house has been a constant mess. and my children are challenging me in ways that i wish they weren't. and i have zero motivation to do anything other than survive the daily tasks (diaper changes, dressing my kids, and giving them something to eat).

see- who's interested in this?

sadly, the biggest thing on my mind is watching the scale. because it's creeping up. it's worse watching it on the wii. the wii wants to know why you are gaining weight. there isn't a pregnancy option. however, i really should just select the overeating option- because that is what i am doing.

see- who is really interested in this at all?

and my kids are getting sick, again. it makes me want to scream. we all have runny noses, and i am hearing coughing.

so, the rain continues to fall, the mess continues to grow more mess, the inspiration for life continues to be non-existent, and the kids continue to be sick.

but.

there is something going on. new little life is growing. a new person to contribute to the mess, and potentially share in runny noses, and chaos.

this is just a season. it is a kind of suckfest of a season, but it won't last forever.

and i will survive.