some nights.

"some nights i stay up cashing in my bad luck.... some nights i call it a draw"
and some nights, the Lord shows me more of who He wants me to be.
i have not be intentionally quiet these last few days. i was suffering from a bit of a stomach bug, that even today still doesn't feel quite right. however, i'm not complaining. it hasn't kept me down. and the Lord uses everything. everything.
i tend to stay up in my brain a lot. i tend to act and then dread what i've done. i told my sister i don't think i am an "over thinker" and she rolled her eyes. and then i realized what i do- i don't think things through first but after i choose a course or do something than i over think what i've done. and i tend to drive a lot of people crazy in the process.
mom, dad, ashley, serena: i am sorry.
i have this nagging desire to see everything in my life play out right now. i am not the most patient person in the world, and apparently it was evident from a young age (so says my dad).
patience is the first characteristic described about love in 1 corinthinans 13.
love is patient.
God is patient in His love to us.
God is love, so God is patient.
i am not patient. it is a fruit of the spirit. i can be patient. i need to be patient. not only because God asks me to patient, but because He desires me to patient because He wants what is best for me. He wants my good. and He knows that my patience will mold me into who He wants me to be. and through patience, amazing things will happen:

Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ,through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.
Romans 5:1-5

i have been guilty these days of lacking in trusting the Lord- even though i know i trust Him, and i want to trust Him- i have been failing in how i trust Him. and what i need to do. i need to trust in Him. and that means, being less in my mind. less over-thinking. instead, staying rooted in His Truth, and trusting Him with everything, and knowing that even if one little thing doesn't turn out the way i think it should or will, i am still standing strong in trusting Him.

i am still confident of this: i will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of living.
wait for the Lord, be strong and take heart, and wait for the Lord.
Psalm 27:13-14

this is my verse. this is me. i am confident- i trust- i will see the goodness of the Lord, i will wait for the Lord- i will be strong- i take heart- i will wait for the Lord.

that means, this girl must get out of her head. she must stop trying to figure everything out. she must wait for the Lord. she must cling to her confidence, she must be strong and take heart.
and why? because patience is a good thing. because i must count it all joy. because He wants me to have joy in my trials, and trust in His time, and that He will mold me into the woman He wants me to be in Him.
and there is something i know about myself, that i have known for awhile. i am an encourager. i can say this with complete confidence- because i know when i am encouraging someone, i feel different. i don't feel like myself. and feelings are fleeting. i am encouraging, because the Lord is doing something.

and all i really want is to be used by the Lord. i want to serve the Lord.

and when i allow my brain to dwell on things instead of trusting the Lord, i am taking myself away from the things He would be using me to do. yes- something life-changing (to put it mildly) has happened in my life, but He has given me joy, He is providing for all of my needs, His Grace is enough, and His blessings pour into this silly girl abundantly.
so: now it is time to get out of the pain, and into Him. and what He wants me to do.
1) devote myself to the ministry of motherhood; love and teach and cherish and train my beautiful children.
2) grow in Him.
3) encourage. be an encouragement, and be willing and able to encourage.
and you know what- if i am no good for the Lord, if i am not trusting Him, if i am not confident in Him, than how can i be any good for Him? He's standing next to me, saying, "hey, this situation might be a bit complicated, how about i take care of things, and could you just let Me use you, and love you, and will you the love the Lord your God, and Love others?"
sure.
terrific.
i'd be happy to.
but? let me dwell and put my brain through misery?
nope. someone slap some sense into me.
not literally... i bruise like a peach (never hit a woman... ross bruises like a peach)
but oh my goodness, i don't want to dwell in my brain- i want to LIVE in the Lord. i want to soak up His Truth, and i want to be USED for HIS GLORY.

"i guess its all alright, i've got nothing left inside of my chest, but it's all alright"

~ both quotes at the beginning and the end, were the first and last song i heard as i wrote this. seriously, i'm not making this up. this is the truth.

i am praying that i seek Him only, and not let myself dwell in confusion, but embrace His loving mercies, embrace the goodness in the land of the living, and that i draw near to Him so that He will draw near to me, and that i can be molded into a better woman for Him and be a blessing and a light of Him to all around me.

He is so good to me.

"that is brand new information"

dear sweet baby Hope,

my beautiful first ever niece. you are currently twisting and turning inside of your mama's tummy. its 1 am as i write this to you, and my guess is you are keeping your mama up. little does she know how much you will be keeping her up over the next many, many years. your name means so very much to me. because with your arrival you bring so much hope. i can still remember exactly where your mama was sitting when she told me she wanted to have a baby with your daddy. and it was a long road to get to where we are tonight. oh little Hope, you have been prayed for, you have been dreamed of, you have been loved deeply before you were formed. what a wonderful example of how much God loves us! because He loved us before we were even formed. and we can see such a clear example of that in you! so many of us loved and prayed for you before you were growing in your mother's belly. but we wanted you, we knew you- even when we didn't know you. but we loved you.
your parents are very special people. you will be a joy to your mother, and the sunshine for your dad. and what's more, they will love you, and care for you, and teach you about the One who created you.
soon you will be here. soon we will see your beautiful face, and we will hear your small cries. soon you will grasp your mother's finger, and look into your father's eyes. soon we will get to love you on the outside, and we have so wonderfully loved you on the inside.
i am so thankful for you little Hope. because i know what i learned when i became a mother, and it was forever changing in me. when i held your big cousin campbell for the first time, i was just overwhelmed with love. not for him- i mean i loved him- but i was overwhelmed with love for the Lord. i knew how much i loved my son, which is just as much as your mother and father are about to love you, and as i held him i realized, God loves me more than this. even MORE than this- in fact so much, that He sacrificed His son, for all of my sins, so that i could love Him forever in heaven. that i could be a child of God, that i would be loved and could have a deep relationship with my Father in heaven. and my dear sweet baby Hope, your parents are about to experience that on a level they cannot even imagine.
you are about to change so many lives, oh Hope, how the Lord has used your little life for so many years even before you were in existence. you are blessing beyond belief. a little piece of God's goodness.
as much as i cannot wait to meet you, and see your little fingers and little toes and watch you nurse on your mama's breast, i cannot wait to see you laying across your mother's chest, and watch the joy of the Lord come over her. i cannot wait to see you cradled in your father's arms and see him connect with His Father even more.
oh sweet baby Hope. we are ready to meet your beautiful face. we are not ready to love you, because we already love you.

unintentionally quiet.

dork alert. get ready. i'm listening to newsboy's greatest hits right now. and yes, i'm dancing just a bit. i'm supposed to be cleaning my room... sure its almost 1 am. but its really a mess. and i don't sleep a ton these days. i'm even debating doing my Wednesday workout right now, just because i have an accountability buddy for working (love you jill!) and i think i would be more prone to do it right now, than i will in the 4-5 hours of sleep that will pass from now to then.

so instead of cleaning off my messy bed, i plopped down on the floor. my computer is on the floor, which i am not sure why because everything else that i own seems to be on my bed. seriously. there is a tiny carved out space for me.
"come on monica, you don't even have a bed, you sleep in a ball on the floor".
ahh. my youth and the newsboys. trust and obey, there is no other way. so true. complete truth.

yesterday i was wonderfully blessed by another care package(a little journal, bookmark, darling notecards, and the experiencing God devotional and candy). and i just know realized i forgot to text my dear friend to tell her thank you. and its 4 am her time... so i guess i could in a few hours. it is amazing to me how many people are truly clinging to me. its amazing. to feel a body of believers just surround you with love. this is just one of the many ways God will be glorified by what is happening. people- coming together in His name to offer love and support and kindness.
it rocks. thank you Vera, for your gift of love, i so appreciate it.

i just want to serve Him. bottom line.
and i am learning more and more how i can do that:
~ my ministry of motherhood. being a mom. loving my precious 4 babies. connecting with them, showing and teaching them who God is by my words but more importantly by my actions.
~ my actions. then my words. i can say anything i mean, really. ok, not anything. i can barely pronounce carousing. not sure why. but my actions need to be a representation of who He is. and how much He loves us, and how He is worthy of my praise. i'm not always a perfect representation.... in fact, i fall short more than i feel like i reach even an inch off the ground- but i have gumption! and i have Him! and the desire- i want to draw near to Him.
~ how i love.
“Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?”Jesus replied: “ ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’
Matthew 22:36-39

so. i guess if you are praying for me- you could pray for those 3 things. and if you want to know more to pray for, you can email me directly.
and, if i can pray for you. i'd kinda like to. big time.

oh, and why the nostalgia for newsboys tonight? on Sunday at church during communion "In Christ Alone" was played, just the music. and i remembered how i loved the newsboy's rendition. and then it was really placed on my heart tonight. and i've listened to it several times. then i moved on to the greatest hits. then i decided to stop cleaning my bed, clean my eye makeup brushes and then plop on the ground. i got sorta distracted. and it's almost 1 am.
"i hold my breath and i wait for you to breathe"
i really do love music. which is why you'll find me worshiping in heaven.

In Christ alone my hope is found
He is my light, my strength, my song
This Cornerstone, this solid ground
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm
What heights of love, what depths of peace
When fears are stilled, when strivings cease
My Comforter, my All in All
Here in the love of Christ I stand

In Christ alone, who took on flesh
Fullness of God in helpless babe
This gift of love and righteousness
Scorned by the ones He came to save
'Til on that cross as Jesus died
The wrath of God was satisfied
For every sin on Him was laid
Here in the death of Christ I live

There in the ground His body lay
Light of the world by darkness slain
Then bursting forth in glorious Day
Up from the grave He rose again
And as He stands in victory
Sin's curse has lost its grip on me
For I am His and He is mine
Bought with the precious blood of Christ

No guilt of life, no fear in death
This is the power of Christ in me
From life's first cry to final breath
Jesus commands my destiny
No power of hell, no scheme of man
Can ever pluck me from His hand
'til He returns or calls me home
Here in the power of Christ I'll stand

in Christ alone. He's got me.
He's got me.

quick.

thankfulness. i am really enjoying listing off the random little reflections i have of what i am thankful for. partly because it lets me look back and see just what a dork i am.

201) a beautiful baby shower my sweet sister and soon to be here Hope.

202) seeing cousins, aunts, and grandmas that i haven't seen in many (10?) years.

203) always being the life of the party.... bazinga!

204) driving paul's little calberiet and once again having it stop running.... and having it start rolling backwards into traffic... and just praying, "come on Jesus!" without bitterness.

205) the 4 separate attempts of gunning the engine and hoping for inches of movement towards a parking spot.

206) feeling slightly embarrassed as i thought, everyone is watching me trying to push this little car into a parking lot. then thinking, well, if everyone is watching i probably should smile pretty big.

207) laughing with the girl in the car parked next to me, and nodding at each other with big smiles and thumbs up as i got the car to inch little by little.

208) i am thankful for the gentleness He is growing in me.

209) starting James in church today. me thinks i will find it applicable.

210) plans to spend my morning and afternoon with my youngest brother.

211) music that makes me think i can dance: i cannot dance. nope.

212) 1 Peter 4.

213) the peace the Lord gives to me.

more truth.

if it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.

Romans 12:18

i must take this verse and place it in my heart. i know what the Lord wants of me, how He wants me to behave and how my actions will or won't bring Him glory.
and i want to live a life that brings Glory to He who loves me and protects me and cares for me.

last night sam was very frustrated with me, and yes, my voice was not always kind to him. and i definitely know that i wasn't being at peace with him. and i need too.
and so, since i try and keep this blog a reflection of this crazy journey the Lord has me on, i'd like to share what i sent to the father of my children this morning:

to sam:
i feel deeply convicted by what you said. i need to be more kind towards you. you are the father of my children and i know that you love them deeply. and i know like it says in 1 Peter 4 that we need to be clear minded and self controlled so that we can pray. and i have been praying and seeking Him this morning.
and as i cling to verse 8, "above all else, love each other deeply, because love covers a multitude of sins" and that is what i need to do with you.
i am so sorry that the fear and pain that i have been experiencing has been triumphant over that- that lets the devil win, and the truth is- i want the Lord's will for my life-
i do want to parent and live at peace with you. please forgive me for not seeing that.
enjoy your weekend with the beautiful babies we made through His love.

i haven't heard back from him, and that's fine.
i need to obedient to the Word of God. and i am either all obedient in how i am towards everyone, or i am disobedient.
and i want to serve and love my Lord.

truth.

Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another, be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble. Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing.
For, Whoever would love life and see good days must keep his tongue from evil and his lips from deceitful speech.
He must turn from evil and do good; he must seek peace and pursue it. For the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous and his ears are attentive to their prayers, but the face of the Lord is against those who do evil.
Who is going to harm you if you are eager to do good? But even if you should suffer for what is right, you are blessed. Do not fear what they fear; do not be frightened. But in your hearts set apart Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect, keeping a clear conscience so that those speak maliciously against your good behavior in Christ may be ashamed of their slander. It is better, if it is God's will to suffer for doing good than for doing evil. For Christ died for sins once for all, the righteous for the unrighteous, to bring you to God.
1 Peter 3: 8-18

never has been more imperative that i be STILL and TRUST in the Lord. He has given me a fast moving tongue (and honestly fast moving fingers as well) and i must use my tongue, my words, my fingers for HIS glory. i must not let my heart dwell on anger or anxiety.
and sometimes i do feel like a bear being poked with a stick.
"hey bear, its me Mike".
let it go Mary. HE wants everything,
He can have everything. He has me. He loves me. the number of hairs on my head are counted, even as they fall and land on my sweatshirt. the sparrows are fed. every moment on earth is accounted for by Him.
He is the creator of the universe.
take my heart Lord. it is Yours. You know that it is. i see Your Truth. i find peace and rest in your WORDS.
every step has brought me here. everything.
rocking out to a little music, layered up in my bed with a fan blowing on my face, with a baby shower to attend in a few hours, surrounded by loving friends, prayers that are being so felt that my heart feels lifted as a helium balloon in the sky, with my Bible at my side, His Words etched on my heart, with moments that i feel weak and times where i know it is so He will be the strength.
i am so not perfect. thankfully that is not a prerequisite for His love.
i'm become broken so He can build me back.
clay, a potter.
a willing woman who wants to be better. so much better for Him. He is my trust. He is my hope. He is my Savior. He can do anything. He will do anything. My shield, My strength.
I rest in His loving kindness, His forgiveness.
And I ask Lord, to quiet my heart. to let the words out of my mouth always be pleasing to You. Lord show me Your truth, and let my life be used to bring you glory.
in all situations- i will never ask why, i will simply open my arms and let You use me for Your Glory.
"i put one foot, in front of the other one."
i will walk towards the Lord, and the Hope i have in Eternity.

sometimes.

sometimes the only thing i need to be thinking or sharing is the simple truth of God's Word.

For this reason, ever since I heard about your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love for all the saints. I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers. I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe.
That power is is like the working of his mighty strength, which he exerted in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly-realms, far above all rule and authority, power and dominion and every title that can be given, not only in the present age but also in the one to come.
And God placed all things under his feet and appointed him to be head over everything for the church, which is body, the fullness of him who fills everything in every way.

Ephesians 1:15-22