a moment of weakness

i will admit to almost having a full on meltdown about an hour ago. almost being the key word. i stopped myself. i felt my face start to get hot and the tears begging to come, and i stopped myself.

why oh why you ask?

just the same old. the fact that it's after 12 and i am up blogging should say something.

i am just finding myself frustrated by the same things, basically the fact that nothing is getting done.

now wait a second mary, aren't you raising 3 little children?

yes.

and trying to home-school two of them?

yes.

and trying to start up a mom's ministry at church?

yes.

and cooking, cleaning (ummmm....), exercising, and all the many other things?

yes.

but it just doesn't feel like it matters. starting across from me is a rotting pumpkin. it's been rotting for days. but can i move it the 15 feet from my table to the garbage? or the 30 feet to the outside? sure if you got off the blog and did that.

the printer's in our living room on my coffee table because i was going to print out baby shower invitations. well the printer is out of black ink. we bought black ink. suddenly it is my fault because mason took our ink and left it somewhere (most likely the trash) regardless of the fact that when sam bought it he could (should) have put it straight into the printer.

there's paper everywhere. i screwed up the invitations about 6 times.

and the shoddy attempt i did at them is sitting in a pile on the table.

i only did the 14 that have to be handed out at church tomorrow.

and all i want to do after a 2 plus hour debacle of baby shower invitations? sew. only so i can feel like i have accomplished something for myself today. so why am i blogging and not sewing. for the simple fact that the time it would take me to clean up the mess that has somehow grown around my sewing table (which was recently moved) would take so long and take all the fun out of it.

sigh. and yet still here i sit, wasting time- and wasting all of your time.

and my house is just a mess. and i can hear someone making noise.

i am tempted to simply close my eyes, and ignore the mess around me. i have all day tomorrow. everyone but me is sick, so we will be staying in tomorrow.

and yes, the baby is crying.

i'm back. even though you didn't know i was gone. it was very tempting to fall asleep, i mean- the room is dark, our wondrous fan is on, it's 12:30 am, and my sweet cuddly boy was purring next to my body.

but i left every light on in rest of the house, and had to make sure there aren't to many bad things for campbell to get into when he wakes up in just a few hours.

i guess the moral of this little story isn't really known.

i am frustrated. mainly because my days start great, and end not great. i can't keep my mojo moving throughout the day. i try so hard to focus on the kids all throughout the day, and just try and coast till dinner time- and then all the crazy comes out, and between getting everyone fed and to bed- the house comes completely undone. sam wants to watch tv, which pulls me in (and we don't even have tv) and then i become completely useless.

i really wish i had something profoundly encouraging to share.

but i don't.

i just have to try again tomorrow.

and i am leaving out a ton. there are bunch of other things making me frustrated right now.

i'm trying to not bore everyone.

trying.