changes

i can hear one of my "thought was sleeping" children awakening downstairs, so this will have to be short.
today marks the beginning of something for me, although i was previously trying this before. today i fast for self-control. on the first of may i started a fast from sugar and flour. yesterday i stopped (for several reasons- none based on lack of self-control though) and today i begin again. when i had started i was so distracted that none of the reasons why i wanted this fast even seemed to matter.
background: i am most likely an over-eating stress eater, most of us could say that's true. but i also have this little genetic quirk (and trust me, its genetic) where i obsess about certain foods and will absolutely inhale them without ever giving it a second thought.
i need self-control. in so many different areas of my life. i need in my diet, and i desperately need it with my children. and i need it in how i use my time. i have fallen into a pattern that i really don't like.
a quick googling of the "fruits of the spirit" (and a harsh reminder to myself that i really must write these on my heart) tells me that self-control is a fruit of the spirit. one that i have let rot on the vine.
ok, to sum up (because that waking child is now really awake) this is what i am doing:
from today until june 5th:
*no sugar and no flour- except for fruit. i am eliminating it from my diet. why? because i tend to go on baking binges. and (and these may come as shocking information to you) but sugar is fairly addicting. i probably start eating sugar a little fast and faster with the more i an inhale it. and then i simply cannot stop. i mean really.
*no eating after 7. i mean, as much fun as it is to literally swallow a bite of something tasty and crawl into my bed, how completely unhealthy is that? plus, when i am sitting on the couch snacking all night long i am not doing anything else.
*no eating at the couch. food and tv go hand in hand, and i kind of need to end that relationship.
*no more eating out when i should be cooking. that doesn't mean going out (because i have some fun plans for next sunday that will involve being gone all day) but it means having the discipline to create a meal plan for my family (something i can do) and being self-controlled to stick with it.
* no more exercising if sam isn't here.
ok, that's a weird one given everything else i have thrown in. but this fast is about self-control. and i know that my obsession with food is only magnified more with my obsession for exercise, because i know that if i exercise i can eat more (which is slightly false logic) and i also get a little (understatement here) caught up on how my physical appearance is. and this fast isn't about losing weight. its about self-control. discipline. and i can turn into a pretty nasty mom really fast if i am exercising and the kids are misbehaving. and you know why? because when i am exercising they are alone to their own undoings.
but, i can fit it in when sam is around. and when the time comes (sob) when i won't have a nursing baby (who is sleeping through the night) then i won't wake up with a chest that can't fit comfortably into a sports bra and i will be able to exercise in the wee hours of the morning.
* to really pray when i eat.
i really do want to hand over these ugly aspects of myself.
yesterday was mother's day, and when i was enjoying sugar for the first time in a week i realized something, it did all taste a little different. and i didn't hit it as hard as i thought i would have (but i did snack all night long, ugh) so hopefully my heart is changing towards the way i let myself feel about food.
i do love food. and i am starting to believe my role in heaven might be doughnut maker. or baker.
i have 3 ladies who have being doing the no sugar/flour since may 1st. i think 2 of them are walking along with me till june 5th. and after june 5th, i have a strict plan set up for not crashing hard.
i also have a pretty list of 30 things to do.... better get started on that.