in tears by 6:30

i have this private space in the world where i keep little notes to the bff. a little corner of the internet that we have long neglected.
and this morning, as i wake up way earlier than i want too, and prepare for my day, with music already blaring in my ears, and coffee not yet in my system, i find a little note that i wrote- almost 4 years ago- to the bff, for my sister.
and i sit here, with hot tears pouring down my cheeks, at the true Faithfulness of God, knowing that He doesn't leave us, He doesn't forsake us, and that His love for us is there.
and it all happens in His time.

from June of 2009:

to the bff:

I did devotions for the first time today. After i cleaned up from our fun (which only takes a few minutes when the children are contained!) and all i really wanted to do was either sit down and watch tv, or smock my dress.

but i knew better, i want to be an example to my children (even if they don't see me doing it, my heart reaps the benefits and that is the example)

and it was very worth it.

after my devotions, i felt (and i really feel strange saying this) that the Spirit was really moving me to write to my sister,

I wrote her this:

so i finally got down today to trying to find some time for devotions. something i have been neglecting for awhile. i started reading, Having Mary Heart in a Martha World.
basically meaning, going to worship the Lord, instead of letting yourself be overcome with work.
The author talks about the 3 deadly D's:
Distraction
Discouragement
Doubt
Satan distracts us so we take our eyes of the Lord, being distracted leads to being discouraged, which then leads us to doubting who God is.
something she talked about in the second chapter made me really think of you, she said that women really want itineraries from God- we want to now when things are going to happen, what the plan is, and we get frustrated when He doesn't give that to us.
but God only wants this: we need to trust Him.
So hard.
but if we can remember:
He has our ultimate good in mind.
He love us- how much love you want to give to your future children- He has that for you, but in spades. More than you can imagine. He feels your pain- and he wants to own it. He wants to take your pain, so that He can wrap HIS arms around you and allow you to feel warm.
You said that Steven wants this year, to see that God can create a miracle.
He may choose to do that, He may not.
But He will do something, and the miracle may not be what you expect.
Can you open your heart, and say, "yes Steven and yes Lord- I can trust, I can believe, I can hope" and know that whatever happens, the Lord is going to give to you everything you desire?
and what if a year goes by, and that trust doesn't lead to a baby? you will have spent a year, learning to trust and obey, both your husband and Your Creator and Savior.
And whatever happens- He has your ultimate good in mind. He will NOT leave you empty. But He will fill you up, with His love.
Can you say yes Lord?
Remember this song?
I'm trading my sorrow
I'm trading my shame
I'm laying it down for the joy of the Lord

I'm trading my sickness
I'm trading my pain
I'm laying it down for the joy of the Lord

Chorus:
And we say yes Lord yes Lord yes yes Lord
Yes Lord yes Lord yes yes Lord
Yes Lord yes Lord yes yes Lord Amen

I'm pressed but not crushed persecuted not abandoned
Struck down but not destroyed
I'm blessed beyond the curse for his promise will endure
And his joy's gonna be my strength

Though the sorrow may last for the night
His joy comes with the morning

let that be your song, and your prayer. Before you are anything, a wife, a daughter, a friend, and someday a mother- you are a daughter of God, and His promise will endure.
you are not living for today- but for eternity. where you will sit at His feet and worship. Where when you get goosebumps on your arms from feeling worship music- it is going to be like that, only magnified, like Christmas morning at Disneyland without any lines with Hillsong singing worship for ever, and with Jesus reigning King.
That is what you have to look forward to. A forever like that.
I am praying for you, I am praying that you can hand your burdens to the Lord- He will gladly take them.
I love you.

And i am not sure why at 6:38 am on a saturday morning i am sitting, crying. i am not sad. i see the faithfulness of the Lord. and i am reminded of my own words to my sister nearly 4 years ago, and how these words are still applicable, now to me. God wants us to trust Him.
written hope from 4 years ago, and new Hope which is arriving any day.
my hope rests in Him.

i am still confident of this: i will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord, be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.
Psalm 27:13-14