in which i go searching for serious truth; alternatively titled: someone should tell my husband to subscribe to my blog.

i am starting to feel a headache coming on. perhaps it is the serious lack in calories in a week. or maybe it was doing yoga with a serious lack of calories. or maybe its the earphones in my ears with my music cranked probably to loud. either way, i will not be kept silent. or my fingers won't be still.
fyi- i am not a theologian. wipe that shocked expression off your face, because it is true. yes, yes, i attended a christian college, and i did take Hebrew, but no, not a theologian. just a struggling sinner like everyone else, desperately searching God's Word now that i have nothing to do, but desperately search and cling for Him. and in doing so, i am finding that i really wish i had never once let my eyes falter from His face. this post is going to be crazy long, and go all over the post. so if you want the cliff notes here you go: my husband is a fool. a sinning fool.
ok, read on if you want.

1 Peter 4: 17-18 For it is time for judgment to begin with the family of God; and if it begins with us, what will the outcome be for those who do not obey the gospel of God, And, "if it is hard for the righteous to be saved, what will become of the ungodly and the sinner".
basically, i am really grasping for truth right now. and let me stop anyone who wants to tell me God is speaking to them. i've talked to God, He's going show me His voice. everyone else can hand me His voice through His Word. thank you.
so- grasping for truth. 1 Peter 4:17-18- can Sam be redeemed? i mean, he claimed to all of us that he was a believer of Christ, that Christ lived in Him, but he did not obey the gospel of God.
so what is his outcome?
i know, i am super premature in wondering all of these things- but these are the thoughts of my heart (and you are reading by choice).
the scriptural truth that leaves my brain a pondering:
(second fyi- i am going to be referencing the little notes in my life application bible, Jesus- i am not plagiarizing.)
1 John 3: 1-10
How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! The reason the world does not know us is that it did not know him. Dear friends, now we are children of God and what we will be has not yet been made known (that's the truth!) But we know that when he appears, we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is. Everyone who has this hope in him purifies himself, just as he is pure. Everyone who sins breaks the law (that's applicable to all of us) in fact, sin is lawlessness. But you know that he appeared so that he might take away our sins (if Starbucks people are reading- he is Jesus) And in him is no sin. No one who lives in him keeps on sinning. No one who continues to sin has either seen him or known him.
**ok- yikes. Sam claimed to live in Him. but he continued to sin. and i mean-- continued. i had no idea. there was no guilt, no remorse, nothing. and that's scary for me to admit. for at least 4 years (God only knows) i had no idea the truths of the man that i shared my life with.
so how did he continue to sin? and what does this mean?
back to the verse- 7- Dear children, do not let anyone lead you astray, He who does what is right is righteous, just as he is righteous. He who does what is sinful is of the devil because the devil has been sinning from the beginning.
**double yikes.
The reason the Son of God appeared was to destroy the devil's work. No one who is born of God will continue to sin, because God's seed remains in him; he cannot go on sinning, because, he has been born of God. This is how we know who the children of God are and who the children of the devil are; Anyone who does NOT do what is right is not a child of God; nor is anyone who does not love his brother.
from the notes:
there is a difference between committing a sin and continuing to sin. Even the most faithful believers sometimes commit sins, but they not cherish a particular sin and choose to commit it. A believer who commits sin repents, confesses, and finds forgiveness. A person who continues to sin, by contrast, is not sorry for what he or she is doing. Thus this person never confesses and never receives forgiveness. Such a person in in opposition to God, no matter what religious claims he or she makes.
"no one who is born of God will continue to sin" means that true believers do not make a practice of sinning, nor do they become indifferent to God's moral law. All believers still sin, but they are working to gain victory over sin. "God's seed remains in him" means that true believers do not make a practice of sinning because God's new life has been born into them.

okay that is a LOT to process. especially for this broken woman who is desperately searching for answers.
Sam definitely continued to sin. with zero remorse. he just kept doing it and NEVER did anything to stop it. nothing. not switch jobs, not get an accountability partner, not.. um... tell me.
and, i am struggling with his "repentance" mainly because he was caught. he didn't come to me and confess his sins. he didn't even come to God and confess his sins. true believers DO NOT make a practice of sinning. nor do they become indifferent to God's moral law.
Sam was practicing sin. Sam was indifferent to God's moral law.
is he not a true believer?
and if so, is he not capable of redemption?
i want to interject here- i am super hoping that he is. i'm just saying what i have been reading- the truth from the Bible. this is not a witch hunt of verses against him. this is a desperate searching for the truth- and there is only one place i can go.
1 Corinthians 4: 5
Therefore judge nothing before the appointed time; wait till the Lord comes. He will bring to LIGHT what is hidden in darkness and will expose the motives of men's hearts.
ok, so if that isn't the verse of MY LIFE. i have been super struggling with the timeline of events. WHY did i not see more? How could i have been so blind? Why didn't i do this?
nothing before the appointed time. wait till the Lord comes. this all came about EXACTLY how the Lord intended it to. THAT alone should help me sleep well at night. this was all how the Lord intended it. He brought to light what was hidden in the darkness, and exposed the motives of my husband's heart.
Romans 8:5-8 Those who live according to the sinful nature have their minds set on what that nature desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires. The mind of the sinful man is death, but the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace; the sinful mind is hostile to God, It does not submit to God's law, nor can it do so. Those controlled by the sinful nature cannot please God.
Sam had a pure sinful nature. i think i can state that confidently- he had his mind on what nature desired.
Romans: 1: 28-32 Furthermore, since they did not think it worthwhile to retain the knowledge of God, he gave them over to a depraved mind, to do what is ought not to be done, They have become filled with every kind of wickedness, evil, greed, and depravity. They are full of envy, murder, strife, deceit and malice. They are gossips, slanderers, God-haters, insolent, arrogant and boastful; they invent ways of doing evil; they disobey their parents; they are senseless, faithless, heartless, ruthless. Although they KNOW God's righteous decree that those who do such things deserve death, they not only continue to do these very things but also approve of those who practice them.
hmmm.
i feel like i am a little at a loss. for one reason- when i search the Bible for truth, i find people who came and confessed. and yeah, that didn't happen. Sam was caught. and slowly the truth as started to come out of him. but confessed? that didn't really happen. not really.
Luke 7:47 says "Therefore, i tell you, her many sins have been forgiven- for she loved much. But he who has been forgiven little loves little"- those there are the words Jesus spoke.
when i searched the handy little study facts at the bottom, this is what it said:
Overflowing love is a natural response to forgiveness and the appropriate confequence of faith. But only those who realize the depth of their sin can appreciate the complete forgiveness God offers them.
has Sam realized the depth of his sin? i mean really- when we look above in the verses i have already shared- it looks to me that Sam was in so much sin that the Spirit of God did NOT reside in him.
Luke 12:10 again Jesus speaking "And everyone who speaks a word against the Son of Man will be forgiven, but anyone who blasphemes against the Holy Spirit will not be forgiven.
NOT be forgiven? Blasphemes... again i check the footnotes:
Thus it is the deliberate and ongoing rejection of the Holy Spirit's work and even of God himself. A person who has committed this sin has shut himself or herself off from God so thoroughly that he or she is unaware of any sin at all. A person who fears having committed it shows, by his or her very concern, that he or she has not sinned in this way.
ok- definite deliberate and ongoing rejection. definitely shut off from God. and definitely so deep in sin that i don't even know if he was aware that he was sinning. i mean zero remorse nothing. and i mean- i wasn't a complete fool- his behavior was always off.
BUT:
1 Kings 8:39 then hear from heaven, your dwelling place. Forgive and act; deal with each man according to all the does, since you know his heart (for you alone know the hearts of all men)
i kind of see a huge stop sign in front of me at this point.
because really, i have the scriptural facts that show me how deep and deadly Sam's sin has been:
Proverbs 2: 12-19
Wisdom will save you from the ways of wicked men, from men whose words are perverse. who LEAVE the straight paths to walk in DARK ways, who DELIGHT in doing wrong and rejoice in the perverseness of evil, who paths are crooked and who are devious in their ways. It (wisdom) will save you from the adulteress, from the wayward wife with her seductive words, who has left the partner of her youth and ignored the covenant she made before God, For her house leads down to death and her paths to the spirits of the dead. None who go to her return or attain the paths of life."
Proverbs 6:27-35 Can a man scoop fire into his lap without his clothes being burned? Can a man walk on hot coals without his clothes being burned? Can a man walk on hot coals without his feet being scorched? So is he who sleeps with another man's wife; no one who touches her will go unpunished. Men do not despise a thief if he steals to satisfy his hunger when he is starving. Yet if he is caught, he must pay sevenfold, though it costs him ALL THE WEALTH of his house. But a man who commits ADULTERY lacks judgment; whoever does so destroys himself. Blows and disgrace are his lot (and i did deliver blows) and his shame will never be wiped away; for jealousy arouses a husbands fury, and he will show no mercy when he takes revenge (kind of wish i could do this). He will not accept any compensation; he will refuse the bribe however great it is.
footnote: some people argue that it is all right to break God's law against sexual sin if nobody gets hurt. in truth, somebody always gets hurt. spouses are devastated, children are scarred. the partners themselves, even if they escape disease and unwanted pregnancy, lose their ability to fulfill commitments, to feel sexual desire, to trust, and to to entirely open with another person. God's laws are NOT arbrtiary. They do not forbid good, clean fun, rather they warn us against destroying ourselves through unwise actions or running ahead of God's timetable.
i just want to point out one main point in this- her house (the woman- adultery) leads down to death, none who got to her return or attain the paths of life.
so how do i feel about that? is that true?
let me catch you up to where i am thinking right now-
1) i do not honestly believe that Sam has the Holy Spirit deep inside of him. and until he truly recognizes that, he will NOT be broken, he will not find repentance, and there will not be total confession of his sins.
you can disagree with me if you want- i do stand by the fact the only the Lord knows a mans heart- but i also have many verses from Romans above to stand pretty strongly by this statement.
2) Sam chose a path that leads to death.
BUT:
John 8:34-35
Jesus replied, "I tell you the truth, everyone who sins is a slave to sin. Now a slave has no permanent place in the family, but a son belongs to it forever. So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.
Jesus CAN set us free from whatever dominates our lives.
And what dominates Sam life? Serving sin- serving the devil, being consumed of nothing that is good- he does not covet a relationship with the Holy Spirit.
and in Acts 3:19 it says:
Repent, then, and turn to God, so that your sins may be wiped out, that times of refreshing may come from the Lord.
the KEY to forgiveness is CONFESSING your sins and turning FROM it.
so where have i landed?
I am praying, on my knees for total brokenness for this man. i do not believe it is there. i do not. he is a charmer, i know this, and he can say the right things- but brokenness, true brokenness will be seen not be a word that comes from his mouth.
2 Corinthians 7:10-11
Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret but worldly sorrow brings DEATH. See what this godly sorrow has produced in you: what earnestness, what eagerness to clear yourselves, what indignation, what alarm, what longing, what concern, what readiness to see justice done. At every point you proved yourselves to be innocent in this matter.
and:
Matthew 3:8 Produce fruit in keeping with repentance.
Fruit:
Galatians 5:22-23 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Against such things there is no law.
SOOOO. let me finally try and end this post.
there is a lot going on here. there are things that haven't even begun to happen. But God is in whatever happens here.
where does this leave me?? in several places.
in James 1:2-4 Consider it PURE JOY, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be MATURE and COMPLETE, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.
just look what I get! I will be mature and complete, i will lack nothing! NOTHING! i have been so incomplete for so long. i have not walked the path God had for me, i had tried to take shortcuts and found myself running into pain and loss, but here, God - in HIS glorious timing- has pulled from the depths of my deepest despair and has begun a truly good work in me. not to sound braggy.
but His will be done in this situation- HE is in control. I just have to relinquish mine.
that doesn't mean i can't ask Him for things. i want His will done in my life, i want to never again be afraid to declare my Love for the Lord, i want to have people see me and see only Him. i want to be used by our Lord.
and, i also want the desires of my heart- and God knows and hears the desires of my heart, because all i have ever wanted since i was young, was to be this- wife and mother. the wife part may be tbd right now, but what i want- and what you can pray for me- is that i want a GODLY man, who seeks to Serve the Lord the with HIS whole heart. I want a man who will love me the way Christ loves the Church, I want a man who have the Spirit of God residing in him.
And i don't know who that is. Only GOD knows what will happen next. And i must Count on Him. I have not always walked faithfully with my Lord and Savior, and i know that right now He is molding me into something that I cannot even fathom at this point.
but i am guessing that PATIENCE has a huge part of it.
And so, i end this post with a Psalm.
Psalm 5:
Give ear to my words, O Lord, consider my sighing. Listen to my cry for help, my King and my God, for to you I pray. In the morning, O Lord, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation. You are not a God who takes pleasure in evil; with you the wicked cannot dwell. The arrogant cannot stand in your presence; you hate all who do wrong. You destroy those who tell lies; bloodthirsty and deceitful men the Lord abhors.
But I, by your great mercy, will come into your house; in reverence will I bow down toward your holy temple, Lead me O Lord, in your righteousness because of my enemies- make straight your way before me. Not a word from their mouth can be trusted; their heart is filled with destruction. Their throat is an open grave; with their tongue they speak deceit. Declare them guilty, O God! Let their intrigues be their downfall. Banish them for their many sins, for they have rebelled against you. But let all who take refuge in you be glad; let them ever sing for joy. Spread your PROTECTION over them, that those who LOVE YOUR NAME may rejoice in you. For surely, O Lord, you bless the righteous; you surround them with your favor as with a shield.

total weakness.

if you don't know me, i'll tell you now and shatter any illusions about myself: i'm a work out video junkie. i'm addicted. and i haven't been able to do any videos for quite awhile. since january 2nd. i was very sick. and then the next day sam left me for a 3 day "hiking" trip. i later learned (january 11) that he had taken his 9 months girl to disneyland. my disneyland. that kind of stung. okay, that's a huge understatement- that was like someone was holding me down peeling away the outer muscle of my shattered heart and pouring acid on the wound. seriously.
2 Corinthians 12:9 but he said to me, "my grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."
well, He must be quite powerful right now. my weakness is insane.
Jesus,
my heart continues to break. my mind is so full of confusing chatter that i cannot hear your voice. i do NOT want to hear what others are saying. i believe You can use them to tell me what You want to say, but i am to weak for anything ANYTHING but You and your grace. i can only find myself right now in YOU. in what YOU have to say. my trust in everyone feels shattered. i need your love RIGHT NOW. i need You to extend a peace that surpasses my understanding RIGHT NOW. i am not asking for you to fix my broken heart at this moment. i am asking for you to hold me while i weep. i am asking you to give me strength to see everything that is happening around me. i am asking for just something, anything that will help me feel carried. i am feeling helpless without feeling Your love. if i cannot feel anything right now Lord, please be the thing that i can feel. God, please do not abandon me, find me in my emptiness and fill me like no other can.
take away the false hopes i have and give me your hope. the path is so far away from me, i hate patience- i hate PATIENCE, i want i want i want. and I need.
I need patience. i need your Hand to hold.

the longest post i may ever write.

it may come as a surprise that i have a blog. it is a surprise because for so long i have been afraid. i have kept myself to myself. only willing to want a few select people see this. which is funny since it is on the web, unblocked. and yet, here i am, i have a blog.
one of the last conversations that i remember having with my brother-in-law was about this blog. he liked the way i wrote. he wanted to see my write more.
i doubt he would have every suspected that i come out with this.
in my weakness He is sufficient. the only truth i can stand by, as I type and shake and methodically rock back and forth like an afraid child.
here i am. i don't want to run away from this.
i have made quite a few confusing posts on facebook in the last week of my life.
and as i won't go into all the details, i will say this- and i have no shame in saying everything in this post simple because i stand by the fact that in 1 John 1:5-10 we are not called to be in the darkness, but to stand in the light.
and it has been far to long, that i have been hiding in the dark.
last Wednesday at just 1 am, i discovered the horrible truth that i had been believing for several days. my husband, Sam, had been having sex with an employee of his at starbucks.
over the next few days more information came to light. they had been involved for 9 months.
and then, just 3 days ago. did i learn that he had had sex with 3 other woman from starbucks, starting in 2008.
as you can imagine, my world has simply fallen apart.
but this is not a post on how my world has fallen apart.
i am devastated, severely. the emotions i have been feeling for the last week are some of the strongest i have ever felt. and i have decided that outside one of my children dying, this is the worst pain that is imaginable for a person to endure.
but He who loves me and created me, will not give me more than i can handle.
later, i will have a serious conversation at what i consider really pushing that fact to the brink. because really, this feels like just shy of too much.
what do you need to know?
2 things: 1, i have lost total and complete trust in Sam. the more distance i put between him and myself, i can see more and more. and at this time, i know that the Lord knows more, and i will wait and rest in Him.
Exodus 14:14 "the Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still".
so, i "try" and be still. and i fail miserably. but i am hopeful that He is who created me and loves me and is now my comfort in great sorrow, will hold me close to Him and show me how to be even more still.
2, i will stand by this:
Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.
and that is the only honest thing i can really cling to. everything in this world will fail me. everything. i am un-sturdy, and when i think that this cannot be happening- i have this and only this to cling to.
i do not understand why this happened. i do not understand why i found myself married to a man who lied to me from the beginning. i do not understand why i could not see more. i do not understand how 10 years of my life could pass and i would be so completely foolish.
but- all the things i do not understand, they don't matter.
Trust in the Lord with all you heart. i cannot understand this. I can only trust that the Lord is going to use everything for His good purpose. i can only hope and pray and trust that He is knew me before i was formed in my mothers womb has a plan for my life.
He will make my paths straight. He will give me my hearts desires. He will hold me in His hand and be my comforter no matter what happens.
He will never leave me nor forsake me.

There will be more posts to come.
right now, what you should know.
i am completely broken. and you know what. God wants complete broken-ness. a friend that i have been talking to, i keep saying, "all i wanted was to be a wife and mother' this was the desire of my heart.
and i am broken. because the desire of my heart was not what it should have been. my desire needs to be only to love and serve my Lord. out of the ashes will come joy. He has the opportunity to show turn my wailing into dancing. And He will. HE NEVER BREAKS HIS PROMISES. He never promised me that Sam wouldn't cheat on me- He said that HE would never leave me- and He hasn't. He didn't promise that my life would be perfect- in fact its pretty much the opposite when you pick up your cross and follow Christ- but He did promise that His grace was sufficient for me.
And it is.
what i need:
prayer that God shows me the truth. i am moment to moment struggling. with for one- all the women Sam has broken the covenant of my marriage with. they pop up everywhere. Everywhere. and as much as i'd like to give you their names so you can go and unleash a little vengeance for me, i must know that the Lord will fight for me, i only need to be still.
i need prayer for the truth. i need prayer to keep my eyes on the Lord, and not on the past. the verse that talks about not worrying about tomorrow- talk about perspective. stupid perspective.
i need prayer. lots of prayer.
i am giving myself time to grieve for the death of my marriage. i am giving myself time to mourn.
and then, my mourning will be dancing.
and all i know is that i have complete faith that God uses every thing for His glory.
and that He must want something from this.
i need prayer, in high school we would say "for an unspoken" and so, i will say that- because i know if all of you join me in prayer for an unspoken request that God will heart it.
i am thankful for the tremendous outpouring of love and support i have received.
i am thankful for four beautiful children who the Lord has given me.
and even though it hurts more than anything i could ever imagine, i am thankful that i no longer live in the darkness of sin.

If you couldn't tell by my post early this morning, I'm posting from my phone. This morning I had my phone in hand, and tonight I have it too.

And here I am, breaking ages and ages of bloggy silence with 2 posts in one day.

I'd like to share with you my plans for 2012. Resolutions, things to change, ways to improve, measurement for an ordinary life.

We start with the 100's. Sam had this idea for doing 100 days of challenges (100 days of riding his bike, 100 days of being on a trail, etc) and so I am kind of doing a similar thing.

100 days of abs (I work out almost every day, but rarely spend quality time on this area. I'm not looking for any super big results- I am hoping for small improvement)

100 days of games with my kids (my days run together, and I often don't prioritize little luxuries knot my days- you know showering and eating while sitting down- but I forget that I want to create moments with my children that they will remember, so, games- small amounts of time that I know they crave and love and that I need to remember to do.

100 days of writing (here on my blog, in my journal, and the story I have started and want to finish)

100 days of walks with my family (I think that my children are so much happier when they are outside and I KNOW that Sam is so much happier outside, so why am I not make a better effort to be where they enjoy being? This needs to change)

100 days of creating- craft, new food (I miss creating. Miss it badly. And I need to be doing it and I really look forward to 100 posts with new creations.... Even if I make the same thing 10 times)

100 days of videos (Everytime I find a video of my children on my computer I ooh and ah and feel 2 things- 1) oooooh my kids!!!! And 2) why don't I have more memories in videos!?!? That must most change! In this world of technology, I must be able to have more.)

100 days of devotions with Sam (Sam and I need the intimacy and reminder of Who is supposed to be guiding our marriage, our hearts, and our lives)

So those are my 100 days.

And here are my personal goals:

Read the Bible in 90 days again (this was an amazing start to 2011)

Read books- 24 books this year (list to come later)

Create all recipes from Deceptively Delicious

Stay on budget

Keep a meal plan

Take out contacts and floss

Really grow my garden

Declutter: big time!!!

Use my crockpot

Perhaps I will try and weekly or every other week check in with how the personal goals go.

Stay tuned. 2012- I'm ready.

Ish.

2012

I'm having a rough start to 2012. But as I sit here before 6 am, not even 6 hours into the new year, I am going to try and start strong- even if it is only in my mind-

Instead of dwelling on: I awoke at 5:30 (not 5) which is supposed to be alone time in the morning, I awoke alone- Sam's already at work. And not to the sounds of silence, to the sounds of two boys laughing awake downstairs, and the screams of my baby upstairs. The two downstairs are coughing and snotty, but happy. The one upstairs is covered in vomit that is dried and old from who knows how long.

That's all before a cup of coffee.

But you know what? New year.

Campbell was happy enough to return to his room with the knowledge he couldn't get up (quiet downstairs) after I got Wilder cleaned up he is now snuggled up to me in bed, half snoring through a stuffed up nose. And Sam had made the coffee before he left, so I am enjoying my first cup of coffee of 2012 in bed.

See, it's all how we choose to look at things, right?

Speaking of looking at things- I'm doing odd resolutions, and I guess one will have to be: take contacts out! My eyes are burning!!!

I'm going to gather my thoughts on the things I want to do this year, but after my eyes aren't burning, and the snoring baby on me is feeling better, and my coffee is consumed.

Happy new year.

another day

its almost 9 pm, and i'm tired. i've been up since a little after 5 (or ok, a little before 6- but who really looks at the clock when it is that dark outside?) and i have been on my feet pretty much non stop working on training my children and their behavior. that is hard. on top of the normal cooking, cleaning, talking, and home-schooling.
and then, i sit at the end of the night and wonder, "what did i get done today?", which is what feels the most discouraging, when at the end of the day and my house isn't the way that i would want it. and the things that i would want to do, just don't get done.
that's frustrating- right?
well, i can't do a lot about that right now. except to try and remember what i did do.
and remember, even if i only did small things, i really enjoyed them.
like, making a birthday cake for Jesus.










what will i do tomorrow?

today

i need to remember today. how the air was cool and perfect, chilly but not cold. How my children were excited just to be out spending the day with me, running and playing happily.
i need to remember the noises Wilder made while worn on my back, how he cooed and sighed happily, sounding a little snuffly, but in a sweet and quiet way. how he laid his head against my back, trying to sleep. how wearing him through the mine made me happy and content. and then when he was off my back and in my arms, how my tired baby nestled into my chest and was calm and restful.

i need to remember how Henry chased after sound he heard. how he was searching for an echo.... whatever that was. how he pointed his finger and loudly announced “this way”. how when Sam and Mason and Campbell, but special boy led me down a different path (how this boy has led me on a different path indeed), how he and i (and wilder on my back) went off the path, how he was fearless in his search for noises and water. how when he started to get tired he sat on the floor of dirt and looked up at us stubbornly.

i need to remember my sweet Mason running to Henry’s side, insisting he could do it, and that she could be his partner. how Mason took in the beauty around her and was searching and hoping to glimpse a deer (we didn’t), how she found sticks and rocks and pinecones, determined to find something for the “collection” she brags about.
I need to remember my boy Campbell, older and asking questions about everything. and not just simple “why” but thorough questions, looking for an answer. how he tired of the walk,but rallied for the rest of us and continued on his way. how he climbed over rocks and logs and listened to every word that Sam had to say.

i need to remember how Sam took pride and love in showing his children the difference in trees and pine cones, how he was able to quiet them with a “listen” and they would all strain to hear what their dad had to say or what their dad was hearing.
i need to remember this day.
i turned 30 today.