the longest post i may ever write.

it may come as a surprise that i have a blog. it is a surprise because for so long i have been afraid. i have kept myself to myself. only willing to want a few select people see this. which is funny since it is on the web, unblocked. and yet, here i am, i have a blog.
one of the last conversations that i remember having with my brother-in-law was about this blog. he liked the way i wrote. he wanted to see my write more.
i doubt he would have every suspected that i come out with this.
in my weakness He is sufficient. the only truth i can stand by, as I type and shake and methodically rock back and forth like an afraid child.
here i am. i don't want to run away from this.
i have made quite a few confusing posts on facebook in the last week of my life.
and as i won't go into all the details, i will say this- and i have no shame in saying everything in this post simple because i stand by the fact that in 1 John 1:5-10 we are not called to be in the darkness, but to stand in the light.
and it has been far to long, that i have been hiding in the dark.
last Wednesday at just 1 am, i discovered the horrible truth that i had been believing for several days. my husband, Sam, had been having sex with an employee of his at starbucks.
over the next few days more information came to light. they had been involved for 9 months.
and then, just 3 days ago. did i learn that he had had sex with 3 other woman from starbucks, starting in 2008.
as you can imagine, my world has simply fallen apart.
but this is not a post on how my world has fallen apart.
i am devastated, severely. the emotions i have been feeling for the last week are some of the strongest i have ever felt. and i have decided that outside one of my children dying, this is the worst pain that is imaginable for a person to endure.
but He who loves me and created me, will not give me more than i can handle.
later, i will have a serious conversation at what i consider really pushing that fact to the brink. because really, this feels like just shy of too much.
what do you need to know?
2 things: 1, i have lost total and complete trust in Sam. the more distance i put between him and myself, i can see more and more. and at this time, i know that the Lord knows more, and i will wait and rest in Him.
Exodus 14:14 "the Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still".
so, i "try" and be still. and i fail miserably. but i am hopeful that He is who created me and loves me and is now my comfort in great sorrow, will hold me close to Him and show me how to be even more still.
2, i will stand by this:
Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.
and that is the only honest thing i can really cling to. everything in this world will fail me. everything. i am un-sturdy, and when i think that this cannot be happening- i have this and only this to cling to.
i do not understand why this happened. i do not understand why i found myself married to a man who lied to me from the beginning. i do not understand why i could not see more. i do not understand how 10 years of my life could pass and i would be so completely foolish.
but- all the things i do not understand, they don't matter.
Trust in the Lord with all you heart. i cannot understand this. I can only trust that the Lord is going to use everything for His good purpose. i can only hope and pray and trust that He is knew me before i was formed in my mothers womb has a plan for my life.
He will make my paths straight. He will give me my hearts desires. He will hold me in His hand and be my comforter no matter what happens.
He will never leave me nor forsake me.

There will be more posts to come.
right now, what you should know.
i am completely broken. and you know what. God wants complete broken-ness. a friend that i have been talking to, i keep saying, "all i wanted was to be a wife and mother' this was the desire of my heart.
and i am broken. because the desire of my heart was not what it should have been. my desire needs to be only to love and serve my Lord. out of the ashes will come joy. He has the opportunity to show turn my wailing into dancing. And He will. HE NEVER BREAKS HIS PROMISES. He never promised me that Sam wouldn't cheat on me- He said that HE would never leave me- and He hasn't. He didn't promise that my life would be perfect- in fact its pretty much the opposite when you pick up your cross and follow Christ- but He did promise that His grace was sufficient for me.
And it is.
what i need:
prayer that God shows me the truth. i am moment to moment struggling. with for one- all the women Sam has broken the covenant of my marriage with. they pop up everywhere. Everywhere. and as much as i'd like to give you their names so you can go and unleash a little vengeance for me, i must know that the Lord will fight for me, i only need to be still.
i need prayer for the truth. i need prayer to keep my eyes on the Lord, and not on the past. the verse that talks about not worrying about tomorrow- talk about perspective. stupid perspective.
i need prayer. lots of prayer.
i am giving myself time to grieve for the death of my marriage. i am giving myself time to mourn.
and then, my mourning will be dancing.
and all i know is that i have complete faith that God uses every thing for His glory.
and that He must want something from this.
i need prayer, in high school we would say "for an unspoken" and so, i will say that- because i know if all of you join me in prayer for an unspoken request that God will heart it.
i am thankful for the tremendous outpouring of love and support i have received.
i am thankful for four beautiful children who the Lord has given me.
and even though it hurts more than anything i could ever imagine, i am thankful that i no longer live in the darkness of sin.