it has been a long day. and self-admittedly, i should probably close my computer and not let my fingers slip over the black keys of my computer.
but my heart is heavy. and i don't know why.
i have no desire for a heavy heart. but a happy heart. a happy heart. bombs away.
seriously.
i've been chatting with a friend. well, we are friends now. both facing inevitable loss. and i am thankful to the Lord, that we can be friends. and as i sit here, in the dark, smelling amazing things, contemplating my life, wondering what the Lord will do, and wishing i hadn't thought it would be wise to drink my dad's beer after i had had more than enough wine. oh well. its been a long day.
everything makes it long.
and then the Lord shows me: perspective.
how much more He can do. how much more He does.
what He is capable of, and how much He loves all of us. He does. He loves us.
and He will catch us if we fall.
He will.
His will. His plan. His all knowing love and power. Nothing has happened that His hand wasn't in. and that is the truth. it is. as i sit here, sobbing. and not for myself. i am happy. i am.
but i know, there are others, who aren't.
thank You Lord, for who You are.
You've got me.
and i know that.
i know it deep down in the pit of everything. as everything spins around me.
Thursday, February 16, 2012
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
the shortcomings of a woman serving the Lord
it has been quite a day. and the day isn't even over yet. so many times today have i tried hard to not have "feelings". i want to keep my eyes focused on the Lord. and not question what has happened.
let me explain a little more. which is hard when Straylight Run's Try is blaring loudly in my ears and i'm trying very hard to not start dancing on my bar stool at my new favorite coffee place. that serves beer. and yes, the guy behind the register thought i was 23. i think i'm going to be just fine. however i think of phoebee handing her id to sean penn's character on friends, "oh, i don't even want to show you this now".
i'm old.
i'm a 30 year old mother of 4 sitting at a bar dancing to music playing in my ear while everyone else moves around me to their own beat. no one knows me.
i'm not quite sure why Try has been my go to song. it was my favorite song to hear sam play on the guitar, but i am not listening to it because i am thinking of him, because i don't really ever think of him. i'm listening to it because something about it reaches out to me. i'm just not sure what.
i thought of sam today. when i was frustrated at 5:30 with a whining henry who wouldn't eat his dinner, with a baby who wanted to be held, with mason demanding a bath, with campbell not picking up trains. and i was frustrated. why am i doing this alone????? even though i have family around me, why am i now a single mother? why am i back in my parents home instead of in my house? why am i so far away from Gus??? why am i in such a tight spot?
and you know what? even when the water from mason's bath that i neglected to turn off had filled her tub and 3 inches of my bathroom floor, i remembered deep in my heart- i am THANKFUL.
so very thankful. to the depth of my core. to the beat of my heart. to my hands beating to air drums. this is where the Lord has me. right now, in this bar stool, listening to happy hour stories.
being terribly embarrassed when drew behind the bar tells me how in junior high he liked bleed american. i'm old.
but i'm feeling young.
today, i spent 90 minutes in a counseling session, and it was uplifting, reassuring, and at the end my hope for returning was that i am wanting to continue to seek the Lord. my heart is so pulled toward Him. my eyes are fixed on Him. and i want nothing to change that. NOTHING. i've been in the darkness before, and i never want to be in the darkness again. NEVER.
i wish when the water had soaked my feet this evening that i could have laughed with my daughter instead of being frustrated that it hadn't occurred to her to turn the water off. i wish when henry was fussing non stop that i had chased him around the living room and tickled him. i wish i had built more track with campbell, i wish that i had hugged my baby a few more times.
but what i did do- was remain thankful. always thankful. because honestly, i don't want anything different right now. if i could go back and change things i wouldn't. i am to happy. to thankful for where the Lord has me, and for how He is Sovereign in all things.
i love it. bring on the hard days. bring on the things that i struggle with that mean i have to go to Him in prayer and trust.
bring it on.
i'm thankful.
96) for early morning texts from my lovely best friend. telling her how i cry when i look at my rainbow closet and miss her. look for a post dedicated to my unfailing love for her.
97) touching my sister's belly and knowing that Hope is growing in there.
98) knowing that hope is growing in me. from Him.
99) He loves me. He died on the cross for my shortcomings as a mother, as a woman, as a daughter of my Father.
100) for the sweet taste of one york a day.
101) for a $3 beer that is now gone.
102) for a shuffled playlist that i love.
103) for emails from an old friend from my college days, and knowing that he and his wife love me dearly.
104) the requests of my children to hear Psalm 121 played in music form.
105) a darkened coffee shop where i can blast music in my ears and write.
106) for every morning when i come down the stairs and am greeted with amazing cheers from my children. i kinda rock there world.
107) mason's prayers at dinner time.
108) for the simple things, like wearing an owl t-shirt from my sister, and seeing my owl book end, and knowing that i am in His hands.
109) for absentmindedly sitting in a chair at fred meyers to talk on the phone and sip my coffee and realized, i sat in a green one.
110) for loving the color green. but happily moving on to orange.
111) i was gonna stop at 110, but i'm thankful that for the first time in my life i feel so alive in the Lord that i can sit here and bounce back in forth as the music plays in my ears and i don't really care at all.
112) for 610+ more reasons to come about being thankful.
113) for knowing that i can open my Bible and find all the truth i need about who He is, and what He is doing. even if the plan isn't totally visible, and i might feel blindfolded at times, He is leading me.
114) for the americano that i am going to order once i hit post. i may have drunk my beer to quickly.
let me explain a little more. which is hard when Straylight Run's Try is blaring loudly in my ears and i'm trying very hard to not start dancing on my bar stool at my new favorite coffee place. that serves beer. and yes, the guy behind the register thought i was 23. i think i'm going to be just fine. however i think of phoebee handing her id to sean penn's character on friends, "oh, i don't even want to show you this now".
i'm old.
i'm a 30 year old mother of 4 sitting at a bar dancing to music playing in my ear while everyone else moves around me to their own beat. no one knows me.
i'm not quite sure why Try has been my go to song. it was my favorite song to hear sam play on the guitar, but i am not listening to it because i am thinking of him, because i don't really ever think of him. i'm listening to it because something about it reaches out to me. i'm just not sure what.
i thought of sam today. when i was frustrated at 5:30 with a whining henry who wouldn't eat his dinner, with a baby who wanted to be held, with mason demanding a bath, with campbell not picking up trains. and i was frustrated. why am i doing this alone????? even though i have family around me, why am i now a single mother? why am i back in my parents home instead of in my house? why am i so far away from Gus??? why am i in such a tight spot?
and you know what? even when the water from mason's bath that i neglected to turn off had filled her tub and 3 inches of my bathroom floor, i remembered deep in my heart- i am THANKFUL.
so very thankful. to the depth of my core. to the beat of my heart. to my hands beating to air drums. this is where the Lord has me. right now, in this bar stool, listening to happy hour stories.
being terribly embarrassed when drew behind the bar tells me how in junior high he liked bleed american. i'm old.
but i'm feeling young.
today, i spent 90 minutes in a counseling session, and it was uplifting, reassuring, and at the end my hope for returning was that i am wanting to continue to seek the Lord. my heart is so pulled toward Him. my eyes are fixed on Him. and i want nothing to change that. NOTHING. i've been in the darkness before, and i never want to be in the darkness again. NEVER.
i wish when the water had soaked my feet this evening that i could have laughed with my daughter instead of being frustrated that it hadn't occurred to her to turn the water off. i wish when henry was fussing non stop that i had chased him around the living room and tickled him. i wish i had built more track with campbell, i wish that i had hugged my baby a few more times.
but what i did do- was remain thankful. always thankful. because honestly, i don't want anything different right now. if i could go back and change things i wouldn't. i am to happy. to thankful for where the Lord has me, and for how He is Sovereign in all things.
i love it. bring on the hard days. bring on the things that i struggle with that mean i have to go to Him in prayer and trust.
bring it on.
i'm thankful.
96) for early morning texts from my lovely best friend. telling her how i cry when i look at my rainbow closet and miss her. look for a post dedicated to my unfailing love for her.
97) touching my sister's belly and knowing that Hope is growing in there.
98) knowing that hope is growing in me. from Him.
99) He loves me. He died on the cross for my shortcomings as a mother, as a woman, as a daughter of my Father.
100) for the sweet taste of one york a day.
101) for a $3 beer that is now gone.
102) for a shuffled playlist that i love.
103) for emails from an old friend from my college days, and knowing that he and his wife love me dearly.
104) the requests of my children to hear Psalm 121 played in music form.
105) a darkened coffee shop where i can blast music in my ears and write.
106) for every morning when i come down the stairs and am greeted with amazing cheers from my children. i kinda rock there world.
107) mason's prayers at dinner time.
108) for the simple things, like wearing an owl t-shirt from my sister, and seeing my owl book end, and knowing that i am in His hands.
109) for absentmindedly sitting in a chair at fred meyers to talk on the phone and sip my coffee and realized, i sat in a green one.
110) for loving the color green. but happily moving on to orange.
111) i was gonna stop at 110, but i'm thankful that for the first time in my life i feel so alive in the Lord that i can sit here and bounce back in forth as the music plays in my ears and i don't really care at all.
112) for 610+ more reasons to come about being thankful.
113) for knowing that i can open my Bible and find all the truth i need about who He is, and what He is doing. even if the plan isn't totally visible, and i might feel blindfolded at times, He is leading me.
114) for the americano that i am going to order once i hit post. i may have drunk my beer to quickly.
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
for the moments i feel anger
i kind of like surprises. in a big time way. i have only been truly surprised a couple of times in my life. and i love the feeling you get when you think about a surprise again. that somersault activity in the pit of your stomach. its awesome.
big surprises i have received: a sewing machine that sam and serena orchestrated getting for me. and of course, the positive pregnancy test of mason, henry, and wilder. talk about surprises.
big surprises i have done- well the best one was serena and i talking ashley to disneyland last year. that was phenomenal.
until thursday. it seems like i plan a lot of cahoots with my best friend, who i have affectionately nicknamed gus. because she does all the driving in our cahoots. and i'm shawn, because i am usually quoting something that isn't original mary tongue.
with gus and my dear friend kris larson, we decided i would fly in to grass valley under the radar (well, i'm sure the pilot did keep us in radar) and surprise as many of my friends as i could. my idea- host a girls night for me (its just all about me) and tell everyone i'll "skype" in.
well, that definitely drew a crowd. a very surprised crowd. with tears and laughter and brie cheese and lava cakes and apple pie and (shocker) wine, i relieved the last 10 years of my life, and the last month. and as i stared at all my dear close friends it was wonderful to feel home. ah, how people truly are what make you home. its not a place. just like i can feel home here because of the people who surround me with love.
well, a little wine, a lot of sugar, and retelling my story, and the "expletives started flying". and i had been doing so good at not dropping the f-word. however, most everyone keeps reminding me that this word is being accurately used, as that is what was happening. but still. it riles me up- big time. blood hot through veins.
and then, i was told that sam's longest running lady friend had been given her job back at starbucks. and that flashing red light of rage was blaring in front of my face.
i went home with serena (gus) and was just irate. and i told her that i wanted to just go into starbucks and in front of anyone who was there point her out and tell everyone what this girl had done to me.
and as i was sitting at serena's table with my heart pounding hard and wonderful apple pie on the fork in my hand i sat quietly for a moment.
Romans 12: 17-21 went through my mind:
Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone, Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: "it is mine to avenge; I will repay", says the Lord. On the contrary. "If your enemy is hungry, feed him. if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head." Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.
Phew. Big sigh. the sighs were back.
and then it hit me. mary, you are so ridiculously happy. like crazy happy. like wailing into dancing. happy. so very happy with the Lord. would i want anything other than what i have right now? NOPE. not even a little bit. this is where the Lord has me. everything that has happened over the last 10 years of my life has brought me here- to sitting on the floor of my parents house, typing on my computer, with "i'm coming home" blaring in my ears so i can avoid henry's strong argument to get out of the bath, with my Bible open at my feet. this is where i am supposed to be. this is God's plan for me. and i love it.
so why on earth would i be angry at anyone who was part of how God got me here? the Lord uses the sinful actions of people for His GLORY.
so why would i be angry or hateful?
that's just ridiculous. its like having a big bowl of maggots served to you for years and then finally someone gives you a big bowl of ice cream, and you start eating the ice cream while still complaining about the maggots.
STOP COMPLAINING! i never have to eat maggots again!
and then i thought about this girl. and i felt compassion. i thought about the example of a Christian that had been shown to her. and i thought of Jesus. and how much He loves me. and how i am a sinner. and how He hung on that cross for my failures and sins that i have done, still do, and will do. and how He hung on that cross for her.
and my heart hurt.
and somehow i found myself driving to starbucks, seeing her car, parking next to her car, and literally walking in with music playing by my ear. and once i saw her, i felt free.
i'm sure i scared her. i know i did, because she told me later.
but i walked up, and told her out thankful i was for her. how the Lord had used her, how i was set free, how i felt more love for her and for Christ than i thought possible.
and then we decided to meet up and talk the next day.
do you want to tell me how a person could walk up to a person that had hurt and wronged them and leave with the biggest smile on their face?
Christs work.
when i met up with her the next day, i happily ran from my car to greet her.
and it was wonderful. no pain. no hurt. no anger. compassion. God's love. Christs work. His love, HIS FORGIVENESS.
i spent a little time explaining my history with sam, how i had finally found out, how i had been suspicious for months, how he had changed. and then i apologized for all the hard words i had said towards her. she was able to talk, explain what had happened.
and she has been truly repentant. she looked at me and said that she knew what she did was wrong, she had a choice, and she knew the whole time it was wrong, yes he lied to her, and said really manipulative and harsh things about me and our relationship- things that she chose to believe, and that he made it hard for her to end things, but that she still made the choice.
no excuses. remorse and repentance.
and then i shared with her about what the Lord is doing in my life, how only He can be what takes true pain away, how He loves her. i gave her a Bible, with blue polka dotted duck tape on it (just like mine, thanks Gus) and the devotional Jesus Calling. she gave me socks. we are a lot a like.
and you know what. i have a new friend. because of what Christ can and will do. it is through Him, He has given me love and compassion. i could cling to hate and anger, or i could embrace the love that Christ offers me.
its freaking amazing.
so this is my new friend. i'm praying for her. i'm here if she needs anything. i know she needs the love of her Savior. just like i do.
and you know what, she makes a mean mixed cd.
cedar, i am so thankful for you. i am so thankful for how the Lord used everything for His Glory, and i am so sorry for the pain you went through as a result of His plan- but i know that if you embrace Him, your pain will be gone.
happy valentines today to all those i love. remember the best gift of love. Christs Work.
and eat a york peppermint patty, because they are awesome.
big surprises i have received: a sewing machine that sam and serena orchestrated getting for me. and of course, the positive pregnancy test of mason, henry, and wilder. talk about surprises.
big surprises i have done- well the best one was serena and i talking ashley to disneyland last year. that was phenomenal.
until thursday. it seems like i plan a lot of cahoots with my best friend, who i have affectionately nicknamed gus. because she does all the driving in our cahoots. and i'm shawn, because i am usually quoting something that isn't original mary tongue.
with gus and my dear friend kris larson, we decided i would fly in to grass valley under the radar (well, i'm sure the pilot did keep us in radar) and surprise as many of my friends as i could. my idea- host a girls night for me (its just all about me) and tell everyone i'll "skype" in.
well, that definitely drew a crowd. a very surprised crowd. with tears and laughter and brie cheese and lava cakes and apple pie and (shocker) wine, i relieved the last 10 years of my life, and the last month. and as i stared at all my dear close friends it was wonderful to feel home. ah, how people truly are what make you home. its not a place. just like i can feel home here because of the people who surround me with love.
well, a little wine, a lot of sugar, and retelling my story, and the "expletives started flying". and i had been doing so good at not dropping the f-word. however, most everyone keeps reminding me that this word is being accurately used, as that is what was happening. but still. it riles me up- big time. blood hot through veins.
and then, i was told that sam's longest running lady friend had been given her job back at starbucks. and that flashing red light of rage was blaring in front of my face.
i went home with serena (gus) and was just irate. and i told her that i wanted to just go into starbucks and in front of anyone who was there point her out and tell everyone what this girl had done to me.
and as i was sitting at serena's table with my heart pounding hard and wonderful apple pie on the fork in my hand i sat quietly for a moment.
Romans 12: 17-21 went through my mind:
Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone, Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: "it is mine to avenge; I will repay", says the Lord. On the contrary. "If your enemy is hungry, feed him. if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head." Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.
Phew. Big sigh. the sighs were back.
and then it hit me. mary, you are so ridiculously happy. like crazy happy. like wailing into dancing. happy. so very happy with the Lord. would i want anything other than what i have right now? NOPE. not even a little bit. this is where the Lord has me. everything that has happened over the last 10 years of my life has brought me here- to sitting on the floor of my parents house, typing on my computer, with "i'm coming home" blaring in my ears so i can avoid henry's strong argument to get out of the bath, with my Bible open at my feet. this is where i am supposed to be. this is God's plan for me. and i love it.
so why on earth would i be angry at anyone who was part of how God got me here? the Lord uses the sinful actions of people for His GLORY.
so why would i be angry or hateful?
that's just ridiculous. its like having a big bowl of maggots served to you for years and then finally someone gives you a big bowl of ice cream, and you start eating the ice cream while still complaining about the maggots.
STOP COMPLAINING! i never have to eat maggots again!
and then i thought about this girl. and i felt compassion. i thought about the example of a Christian that had been shown to her. and i thought of Jesus. and how much He loves me. and how i am a sinner. and how He hung on that cross for my failures and sins that i have done, still do, and will do. and how He hung on that cross for her.
and my heart hurt.
and somehow i found myself driving to starbucks, seeing her car, parking next to her car, and literally walking in with music playing by my ear. and once i saw her, i felt free.
i'm sure i scared her. i know i did, because she told me later.
but i walked up, and told her out thankful i was for her. how the Lord had used her, how i was set free, how i felt more love for her and for Christ than i thought possible.
and then we decided to meet up and talk the next day.
do you want to tell me how a person could walk up to a person that had hurt and wronged them and leave with the biggest smile on their face?
Christs work.
when i met up with her the next day, i happily ran from my car to greet her.
and it was wonderful. no pain. no hurt. no anger. compassion. God's love. Christs work. His love, HIS FORGIVENESS.
i spent a little time explaining my history with sam, how i had finally found out, how i had been suspicious for months, how he had changed. and then i apologized for all the hard words i had said towards her. she was able to talk, explain what had happened.
and she has been truly repentant. she looked at me and said that she knew what she did was wrong, she had a choice, and she knew the whole time it was wrong, yes he lied to her, and said really manipulative and harsh things about me and our relationship- things that she chose to believe, and that he made it hard for her to end things, but that she still made the choice.
no excuses. remorse and repentance.
and then i shared with her about what the Lord is doing in my life, how only He can be what takes true pain away, how He loves her. i gave her a Bible, with blue polka dotted duck tape on it (just like mine, thanks Gus) and the devotional Jesus Calling. she gave me socks. we are a lot a like.
and you know what. i have a new friend. because of what Christ can and will do. it is through Him, He has given me love and compassion. i could cling to hate and anger, or i could embrace the love that Christ offers me.its freaking amazing.
so this is my new friend. i'm praying for her. i'm here if she needs anything. i know she needs the love of her Savior. just like i do.
and you know what, she makes a mean mixed cd.
cedar, i am so thankful for you. i am so thankful for how the Lord used everything for His Glory, and i am so sorry for the pain you went through as a result of His plan- but i know that if you embrace Him, your pain will be gone.
happy valentines today to all those i love. remember the best gift of love. Christs Work.
and eat a york peppermint patty, because they are awesome.
wheels down.
i'm back in washington, and have muchos things to say. my trip was fast, but it stretched out in a wonderful way. and i cannot wait till i have the opportunity to return and to see all that i love.
i need to run downstairs and embrace the four little people that have been asking for me almost hourly while i was gone- i'm kind of a big deal. apparently.
my heart overflows with gratitude and thankfulness for a Savior that loves me, that protects me, that cares for me, and who offers me all the love that He has for me. all the love that i need.
i will blog later this evening. because i spent several hours this weekend with the last woman sam had been with, and it was amazing how Christ used me- how Christ is working in even the worst of situations. and just how at peace i am with who He is to me.
but, i feel compelled to say this:
sam emailed me asking me to more humble in the way i am talking to him- both in emails that include other people, and here on the blog. he said that people are commenting to him and saying that they are concerned that campbell will read this:
"and all the blog stuff, not from me also but others have commented that they're ready to not see you be so cruel on such a public forum. so please? since the things you write will be able to be read by campbell before he can understand it, please dial it back ?"
well, i think it will be good for my children to know the truth when they are old enough to understand what has happened.
if someone really feels like i am being "cruel" please talk to me directly, i have no desire to be offensive to anyone. and honestly- i am so unbelievably happy about how the Lord has lifted me out of darkness and into light, that i have no-none-zilch-zero- desire to hang onto any the darkness- but instead just be a light for the Lord. that's all i want.
so really, talking about sam isn't something i need to do here. as he isn't a part of the light of what the Lord is doing.
oh- and i should probably mention, that i will be strictly monitoring my children's internet usage when they actively using a computer- so they won't have free roam to simply stumble upon anything, whether it be this blog, which i am not ashamed of the words i speak here, or whether it be something sinful on the internet.... not that there is anything sinful on the internet. wait.
so, i will be back tonight, to share what the Lord is doing.
i'm back on facebook: God is good.
and i think i can smell pancakes.
my dad might rock.
wait, he does rock.
and now, as i am focusing my gaze on the Lord, i've got Pressing On blaring in my ears-
"my problems fell out of the back of my mind.... to go back to where i was would just be wrong.... i wont sit back and take this anymore"
i'm pressing on- i'm following my Lord.
i need to run downstairs and embrace the four little people that have been asking for me almost hourly while i was gone- i'm kind of a big deal. apparently.
my heart overflows with gratitude and thankfulness for a Savior that loves me, that protects me, that cares for me, and who offers me all the love that He has for me. all the love that i need.
i will blog later this evening. because i spent several hours this weekend with the last woman sam had been with, and it was amazing how Christ used me- how Christ is working in even the worst of situations. and just how at peace i am with who He is to me.
but, i feel compelled to say this:
sam emailed me asking me to more humble in the way i am talking to him- both in emails that include other people, and here on the blog. he said that people are commenting to him and saying that they are concerned that campbell will read this:
"and all the blog stuff, not from me also but others have commented that they're ready to not see you be so cruel on such a public forum. so please? since the things you write will be able to be read by campbell before he can understand it, please dial it back ?"
well, i think it will be good for my children to know the truth when they are old enough to understand what has happened.
if someone really feels like i am being "cruel" please talk to me directly, i have no desire to be offensive to anyone. and honestly- i am so unbelievably happy about how the Lord has lifted me out of darkness and into light, that i have no-none-zilch-zero- desire to hang onto any the darkness- but instead just be a light for the Lord. that's all i want.
so really, talking about sam isn't something i need to do here. as he isn't a part of the light of what the Lord is doing.
oh- and i should probably mention, that i will be strictly monitoring my children's internet usage when they actively using a computer- so they won't have free roam to simply stumble upon anything, whether it be this blog, which i am not ashamed of the words i speak here, or whether it be something sinful on the internet.... not that there is anything sinful on the internet. wait.
so, i will be back tonight, to share what the Lord is doing.
i'm back on facebook: God is good.
and i think i can smell pancakes.
my dad might rock.
wait, he does rock.
and now, as i am focusing my gaze on the Lord, i've got Pressing On blaring in my ears-
"my problems fell out of the back of my mind.... to go back to where i was would just be wrong.... i wont sit back and take this anymore"
i'm pressing on- i'm following my Lord.
Sunday, February 12, 2012
Hello to my blog reader family!! I apologize for the 2 day + silence. The cat is out of the bag- or more appropirately, the girl is in California! I flew down Thursday night in top secret ninja style. I surprised my wonderful girl friends, and have been truly amazed at what God has done in just a few short days. I will have much to say about my little weekend getaway, but today is a day spent to worship Him and be in fellowship with other lovers of the Lord- I hope you can all do the same.
May you all have a wonderful blessed day.
And a great breakfast. It is entirely possible that I had leftover Indian food for breakfast. I won't deny or confirm this. There also could have been a cookie.
Again. It's possible.
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
music
i've not hidden that music has been a huge blessing to me. it has. i've actually branched out towards some music that i listened to bttwr (before the truth was revealed). i find that even secular music at this point i can find truth in. i guess it depends on what you are looking for.
and right now, i'm looking for songs that pump me up, in a positive Jesus way.
so, since today was a little odd for me. and i don't want to expand more on that. there is always the bright light of what Christ gives me everyday. and every day He pulls me closer to Him, shaping me like the potter shapes clay, and i am hopeful that everyday i become for useful to Him.
my current goal, to offer as many smiles as i can, to let the love of Christ shine out of me.
of course, i'm not always perfect.
i may or may not have gone through a starbucks drive-thru today, and while waiting for my drinks asked the pretty barista if she felt like everyone who worked there as pretty close. she smiled and said, "oh yes". i was like, yeah, my husband used to work for starbucks. and she asked, "oh, did he think they were a close group?" and i smiled and said, "i think so, seeing that he was having sex with the baristas in the back room."
i'm not perfect.
and maybe i have a shameful smirk on my face.
maybe.
back to music that pumps me up.
this is my new theme song. and it "may" bum people out. oh well. i listen to it everyday. my kids hear me singing it very loudly. if you were in the van with me you'd be getting a private dance show.
well, if you are driving next to, you are getting a private dance show.
http://youtu.be/LLNcsqHwoXI
that link will you take you to the video... its not a great video. but you won't really be able to picture me rocking out unless you watch it. this is a Christian punk/emo band.
here are the lyrics:
now, the 2 other songs that aren't exactly Christian, but are getting me pumped are both by Jack's Mannequin.
and you should watch the videos. and then think of my sweet sister. who in reference to Andrew from Jack's Mannequin said "I wish he'd play me like that piano" i can't remember the last time i laughed that hard.
well, i do. cause, He's turned my wailing into dancing.
http://youtu.be/sA8PaIw5gcE for swim
and
http://youtu.be/jrOMu-lmfnI for resolution.
enjoy.
cause its 11pm and i've got earbuds in at a way to high level, and i'm having my own little music party.
and then i'll take my ear buds out, read my Bible, and then listen to music from "my jesus" mix as i fall asleep.
occasionally i get good dreams.
two nights ago, 2 of sam's ladies were in it.
less fun for me.
but- i'm pressing on.
and right now, i'm looking for songs that pump me up, in a positive Jesus way.
so, since today was a little odd for me. and i don't want to expand more on that. there is always the bright light of what Christ gives me everyday. and every day He pulls me closer to Him, shaping me like the potter shapes clay, and i am hopeful that everyday i become for useful to Him.
my current goal, to offer as many smiles as i can, to let the love of Christ shine out of me.
of course, i'm not always perfect.
i may or may not have gone through a starbucks drive-thru today, and while waiting for my drinks asked the pretty barista if she felt like everyone who worked there as pretty close. she smiled and said, "oh yes". i was like, yeah, my husband used to work for starbucks. and she asked, "oh, did he think they were a close group?" and i smiled and said, "i think so, seeing that he was having sex with the baristas in the back room."
i'm not perfect.
and maybe i have a shameful smirk on my face.
maybe.
back to music that pumps me up.
this is my new theme song. and it "may" bum people out. oh well. i listen to it everyday. my kids hear me singing it very loudly. if you were in the van with me you'd be getting a private dance show.
well, if you are driving next to, you are getting a private dance show.
http://youtu.be/LLNcsqHwoXI
that link will you take you to the video... its not a great video. but you won't really be able to picture me rocking out unless you watch it. this is a Christian punk/emo band.
here are the lyrics:
Pressing On
Relient K
Relient K
I think we're going somewhere.
We're on to something good here.
Out of mind, out of state.
Trying to keep my head on straight.
I think we're going somewhere.
We're on to something good here.
There's only one thing left to do.
Drop all I have and go with you.
[Chorus:]
Somewhere back there I left my worries all behind.
My problems fell out of the back of my mind.
We're going and I'm never knowing (never knowing) where we're going.
To go back to where I was would just be wrong.
I'm pressing on.
Pressing on, all my distress is going, going, gone. (pressing on, pressing on)
And I won't sit back, and take this anymore.
'Cause I'm done with that, I've got one foot out the door.
And to go back where I was would just be wrong
I'm pressing on.
I think we're going somewhere.
We're on to something good here.
Out of mind, out of state.
Trying to keep my head on straight.
I think we're going somewhere.
We're on to something good here.
Adversity, we get around it.
Searched for joy, in you I found it.
You look down on me, but you don't look down on me at all.
You smile and laugh, and I feel the love you have for me.
I think we're going somewhere.
We're on to something good here, and we're gonna make it after all.
We're on to something good here.
Out of mind, out of state.
Trying to keep my head on straight.
I think we're going somewhere.
We're on to something good here.
There's only one thing left to do.
Drop all I have and go with you.
[Chorus:]
Somewhere back there I left my worries all behind.
My problems fell out of the back of my mind.
We're going and I'm never knowing (never knowing) where we're going.
To go back to where I was would just be wrong.
I'm pressing on.
Pressing on, all my distress is going, going, gone. (pressing on, pressing on)
And I won't sit back, and take this anymore.
'Cause I'm done with that, I've got one foot out the door.
And to go back where I was would just be wrong
I'm pressing on.
I think we're going somewhere.
We're on to something good here.
Out of mind, out of state.
Trying to keep my head on straight.
I think we're going somewhere.
We're on to something good here.
Adversity, we get around it.
Searched for joy, in you I found it.
You look down on me, but you don't look down on me at all.
You smile and laugh, and I feel the love you have for me.
I think we're going somewhere.
We're on to something good here, and we're gonna make it after all.
now, the 2 other songs that aren't exactly Christian, but are getting me pumped are both by Jack's Mannequin.
and you should watch the videos. and then think of my sweet sister. who in reference to Andrew from Jack's Mannequin said "I wish he'd play me like that piano" i can't remember the last time i laughed that hard.
well, i do. cause, He's turned my wailing into dancing.
http://youtu.be/sA8PaIw5gcE for swim
and
http://youtu.be/jrOMu-lmfnI for resolution.
enjoy.
cause its 11pm and i've got earbuds in at a way to high level, and i'm having my own little music party.
and then i'll take my ear buds out, read my Bible, and then listen to music from "my jesus" mix as i fall asleep.
occasionally i get good dreams.
two nights ago, 2 of sam's ladies were in it.
less fun for me.
but- i'm pressing on.
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
sleepiness.
i'm tired. it was a long and wonderful day. joy seeped out of me like a faucet that couldn't be turned off. the things that usually frustrated me with my children were still frustrating, but i didn't care, i loved them, and i sought compassion and gentleness with them.
my mind faltered a couple of times. the thing that i struggle with the most is the pattern of lies. how for my entire marriage i was with someone who was involved with other woman. and how for so long i didn't know. how does the person you trust the most in the world, who you believe could never hurt you, sleep with another woman and you never be the wiser? how could he do this over and over again, i just never knew? how did he have a girlfriend for 9 months and i didn't know. how could he take her to my disneyland? and what were these girls thinking when i would come into starbucks with our children?
foolish, i tend to feel foolish.
for about 1/2 a second- and then RELIEF! FREEDOM! the Lord lifted me out of the worst situation of my life and has given me more love and kindness than ever imaginable. The Lord used everything sam ever did to bring me closer to Him. and i don't have to go back. i never have to go back. all of the pain is worth it. all of it. because i am forever in a better place.
the Lord's got me. He's got me. He loves me.
and i am thankful.
86) i'm thankful for friendships that carry me through the day.
87) there's a window outside of wilder's bed, and you can see it from the staircase, when he wakes up you can see him standing in his crib peering out the window, when he catches your eyes he gets so very excited.
88) for a best friend that texts me throughout the day, always wanting to add cheer to my life.
89) for a mom, who tonight, sent me out for an hour so i could get a wonderful break from a full day with my children.
90) sitting in a crowded Christian coffee shop, and happily chatting with anyone and everyone. for so long i have felt like nothing, and now the Lord has lifted me into His arms, and i feel amazing. and i hope my light in the Lord shines out.
91) smiles directed my way. from anyone and everyone.
92) for the meditating on the Word of God and working harder to memorize more and more of it into my heart.
93) embroidery floss and a needle and thoughts and prayers that go into each stitch.
94) early morning workouts that energize me- and make me hungry.
95) indian food, and how much it makes me like to eat.
my mind faltered a couple of times. the thing that i struggle with the most is the pattern of lies. how for my entire marriage i was with someone who was involved with other woman. and how for so long i didn't know. how does the person you trust the most in the world, who you believe could never hurt you, sleep with another woman and you never be the wiser? how could he do this over and over again, i just never knew? how did he have a girlfriend for 9 months and i didn't know. how could he take her to my disneyland? and what were these girls thinking when i would come into starbucks with our children?
foolish, i tend to feel foolish.
for about 1/2 a second- and then RELIEF! FREEDOM! the Lord lifted me out of the worst situation of my life and has given me more love and kindness than ever imaginable. The Lord used everything sam ever did to bring me closer to Him. and i don't have to go back. i never have to go back. all of the pain is worth it. all of it. because i am forever in a better place.
the Lord's got me. He's got me. He loves me.
and i am thankful.
86) i'm thankful for friendships that carry me through the day.
87) there's a window outside of wilder's bed, and you can see it from the staircase, when he wakes up you can see him standing in his crib peering out the window, when he catches your eyes he gets so very excited.
88) for a best friend that texts me throughout the day, always wanting to add cheer to my life.
89) for a mom, who tonight, sent me out for an hour so i could get a wonderful break from a full day with my children.
90) sitting in a crowded Christian coffee shop, and happily chatting with anyone and everyone. for so long i have felt like nothing, and now the Lord has lifted me into His arms, and i feel amazing. and i hope my light in the Lord shines out.
91) smiles directed my way. from anyone and everyone.
92) for the meditating on the Word of God and working harder to memorize more and more of it into my heart.
93) embroidery floss and a needle and thoughts and prayers that go into each stitch.
94) early morning workouts that energize me- and make me hungry.
95) indian food, and how much it makes me like to eat.
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