more truth.

if it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.

Romans 12:18

i must take this verse and place it in my heart. i know what the Lord wants of me, how He wants me to behave and how my actions will or won't bring Him glory.
and i want to live a life that brings Glory to He who loves me and protects me and cares for me.

last night sam was very frustrated with me, and yes, my voice was not always kind to him. and i definitely know that i wasn't being at peace with him. and i need too.
and so, since i try and keep this blog a reflection of this crazy journey the Lord has me on, i'd like to share what i sent to the father of my children this morning:

to sam:
i feel deeply convicted by what you said. i need to be more kind towards you. you are the father of my children and i know that you love them deeply. and i know like it says in 1 Peter 4 that we need to be clear minded and self controlled so that we can pray. and i have been praying and seeking Him this morning.
and as i cling to verse 8, "above all else, love each other deeply, because love covers a multitude of sins" and that is what i need to do with you.
i am so sorry that the fear and pain that i have been experiencing has been triumphant over that- that lets the devil win, and the truth is- i want the Lord's will for my life-
i do want to parent and live at peace with you. please forgive me for not seeing that.
enjoy your weekend with the beautiful babies we made through His love.

i haven't heard back from him, and that's fine.
i need to obedient to the Word of God. and i am either all obedient in how i am towards everyone, or i am disobedient.
and i want to serve and love my Lord.

truth.

Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another, be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble. Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing.
For, Whoever would love life and see good days must keep his tongue from evil and his lips from deceitful speech.
He must turn from evil and do good; he must seek peace and pursue it. For the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous and his ears are attentive to their prayers, but the face of the Lord is against those who do evil.
Who is going to harm you if you are eager to do good? But even if you should suffer for what is right, you are blessed. Do not fear what they fear; do not be frightened. But in your hearts set apart Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect, keeping a clear conscience so that those speak maliciously against your good behavior in Christ may be ashamed of their slander. It is better, if it is God's will to suffer for doing good than for doing evil. For Christ died for sins once for all, the righteous for the unrighteous, to bring you to God.
1 Peter 3: 8-18

never has been more imperative that i be STILL and TRUST in the Lord. He has given me a fast moving tongue (and honestly fast moving fingers as well) and i must use my tongue, my words, my fingers for HIS glory. i must not let my heart dwell on anger or anxiety.
and sometimes i do feel like a bear being poked with a stick.
"hey bear, its me Mike".
let it go Mary. HE wants everything,
He can have everything. He has me. He loves me. the number of hairs on my head are counted, even as they fall and land on my sweatshirt. the sparrows are fed. every moment on earth is accounted for by Him.
He is the creator of the universe.
take my heart Lord. it is Yours. You know that it is. i see Your Truth. i find peace and rest in your WORDS.
every step has brought me here. everything.
rocking out to a little music, layered up in my bed with a fan blowing on my face, with a baby shower to attend in a few hours, surrounded by loving friends, prayers that are being so felt that my heart feels lifted as a helium balloon in the sky, with my Bible at my side, His Words etched on my heart, with moments that i feel weak and times where i know it is so He will be the strength.
i am so not perfect. thankfully that is not a prerequisite for His love.
i'm become broken so He can build me back.
clay, a potter.
a willing woman who wants to be better. so much better for Him. He is my trust. He is my hope. He is my Savior. He can do anything. He will do anything. My shield, My strength.
I rest in His loving kindness, His forgiveness.
And I ask Lord, to quiet my heart. to let the words out of my mouth always be pleasing to You. Lord show me Your truth, and let my life be used to bring you glory.
in all situations- i will never ask why, i will simply open my arms and let You use me for Your Glory.
"i put one foot, in front of the other one."
i will walk towards the Lord, and the Hope i have in Eternity.

sometimes.

sometimes the only thing i need to be thinking or sharing is the simple truth of God's Word.

For this reason, ever since I heard about your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love for all the saints. I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers. I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe.
That power is is like the working of his mighty strength, which he exerted in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly-realms, far above all rule and authority, power and dominion and every title that can be given, not only in the present age but also in the one to come.
And God placed all things under his feet and appointed him to be head over everything for the church, which is body, the fullness of him who fills everything in every way.

Ephesians 1:15-22

throw your stones. i am thankful.

i couldn't be more broken. unless perhaps i was a piece of china dropped from a high spot onto granite floor. then i am sure i would broken into so many pieces. but. i am broken.
headphones on my ears, a pounding headache in my brain. desperate for things i cannot control.

thankfulness. i will remain thankful. i will be thankful. and i will not believe the lies.

My God is so big, so strong and so mighty, there is nothing my God cannot do.

178) a very long hug from my brother Eric, and his kindness to my beautiful children.

179) reading an entire Flat Stanely book with Campbell and Mason, having Campbell's eagerness to hear the story, and Mason's head on my shoulder.

180) the promise of a hug from my brother Paul, as he drives across country as fast as he can to be here with me.

181) meeting the lovely lady that has stolen my brother's heart.

182) knowing that in just a few days a beautiful new life will be in this world.

183) looking down at my phone and seeing constant encouragement.

184) feeling the Lord wrap His arms around me, with His Words, His truth, and the people He places in my arms.

185) a stolen black hooded sweatshirt from my sister.

186) a "borrowed" striped scarf from my sister.

187) 5 tickets to FUN. and the thought of crowd surfing.

188) Andy. my college friend from the days when life was different. not necessarily better, but different. i love this boy.

189) finding a scent that makes me smile. i never wear perfume. i also never wear nail polish.

190) accepting that my 30's will be the start of my real walk with the Lord.

191) being 30.

192) Lisa Weiss. a woman who lost a love we won't all experience, and who in her pain, the Lord gives her kindness towards me.

193) Paige Denim. these jeans work for me.

194) coloring with my Henry and knowing my soon to be 3 year old knows all his letters.

195) trusting the Lord with my children.

196) thankfully trusting.

197) cookie-dough ice cream.

198) savoring.

199) "im the hulk, i'm the hulk, i'm the hulk" and all the other things that make me laugh.

200) being a fast moving red blur.

may the past be the sound of your feet upon the ground.

blog silence for several hours from me can mean 1 or 2 things, i'm either so ridiculously happy that i haven't found time to sit and type, or i'm feeling weighed down by pain and the darkness and can't really put safely into words how i am feeling. sadly, its the latter. or its been the latter.
and then i remember- who the Lord is. how mighty He is. how Great He is. how much bigger than me He is.
the Lord will fight for me, you need only be still. Exodus 14:14

The Lord is my strength and my shield, my heart trusts in him, and i am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to him in song. Psalm 28:7

Anyone who rejected the law of Moses died without mercy on the testimony of two or three witnesses. How much more severely do you think a man deserves to be punished who has trampled the Son of God under foot, who has treated as an unholy thing the blood of the covenant that sanctified him, and who has insulted the Spirit of grace For we know him who said, "It is mine to avenge; I will repay" and again, "The Lord will judge his people" It is a dreadful thing to fall into the hands of the Living God. Remember those earlier days after you had received the light, when you stood your ground in a great contest in the face of suffering.
Hebrews 10: 28-32

truth. that is what i have. God's Word. and it is so important that i remember the truth from the lies.
and i still have a lot to be thankful for. even when i get sucked into the darkness- the Lord is still there. waiting for me. waiting. not shaking His head at me, but just standing with open arms, ready to bring me back into Him, where my safety and security is in HIM.

Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry, for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires.
James 1:19-20
Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will LIFT YOU UP.
James 4: 7-10

if you are still praying for me, i'd really appreciate prayer in those 2 verses, because man alive, i need to quick to listen, i REALLY need to be slow to speak. and i MUST be slow to become angry. because what does it say- that doesn't bring about the righteous life that God desires for me. And more than that- its not who i want to be.
newsflash- i'm a sinner. and i think my by nature i lean towards getting riled up with injustice. and i struggle. daily. the pain is there like a wound. Yes- the Lord has healed me, saved me, rescued me- HE has. but imagine a gun shot. straight to the heart. the Lord saved me, however, there is still recovery, and it seems that things still cause that wound to hurt while it heals.
stupid human sin nature.
but- i can pray for that second verse as well- i can draw near to HIM and He will draw near to me- it says it, right there. that's a truth.
and i need the truths.

a story came to my memory yesterday as i was visiting with my dear friend Jill. oh, i love Jill.
and i remembered, talking with sam about a year ago, in his parents house, i had found him chatting in a words with friends game with a female customer who was a regular at his store. and i was really frustrated that he had the need to just chat it up with another woman i didn't know. and he got frustrated with me, because he thought he "could have friends". and i remember, a year or more ago, sitting in that bathroom at this parents house with him, and i started to cry. and i said, "you are going to cheat on me. you just are. this isn't going to last. we have an expiration date".
that is GOD's GRACE.
because, He started laying down peace even then.
and you know what. at that point he had cheated, and he kept cheating.
and the Lord saved me.

Utter randomness of a stranded girl.

Life cracks me up. I don't remember ever pushing a broke down car before. It was more fun than I thought it would be. The Lord is forever faithful to me. As my little brother's car continued to stall and stall as I was driving, He protects me. No one slammed into me. No one even honked. Honking makes me sad.

I perched in a Starbucks, sipping coffee, and thoroughly enjoying the humor in the situation. I am always brought back to my Lord. And I love it. I am not helpless. I am taken care of.

And I am so happy I slipped earbuds in my purse. The Starbucks worker might not be, as I'm having a private rock out session right now. Some nights. So good. And my baby brother wants to go with his 30 year old sister. Poor kid, he will be thoroughly embarrassed as I try to dive for the stage. Oh well, i'm only young once, right? And somehow I feel 16 half the time. The earbuds and dancing around probably doesn't help.

This morning SUCKED. But you know what? The Lord is faithful and good.

I'm going to let you all in on 2 secrets:

1) I am not PERFECT in the way I talk to Sam. I'm sorry. He cheated on me. He broke my heart. Forgiveness is an on going process. And pain is real. Super real. And frustrating. And so you know what- I am not perfect. But that doesn't mean I don't love the Lord or always want to seek Him. It just means I am a sinner who desperately needs her Savior. And wine. And coffee. And probably 610 other things- but my Savior- His grace is sufficient. He gives me love. He has my heart.

2nd secret- I realize the microscope I am under. Every move I make is watched. And my mind wants to work on overdrive. But I'm not going to let it. I rest in HIS truth. And it comforts me. Nothing can separate me from the love of my Savior.

So. This is all of me. I am an imperfect girl in every way. But I am FAITHFUL. He has always been the Lord of my life and I will keep my gaze happily directed on Him.

And I will cling to the word of God.

And Yorks. And earbuds. And laughter from 4 children.

And the smiles sent my way.

God's love is there. God's love is here. HE is faithful.

My maker loves me.

And the sun is shinning today. The wind has been fierce, and it shows me His strong presence. And the sun is His faithfulness.

And The Son is my hope, and joy, an salvation.

"it gets better, it gets better"

I love music in my ears.

happy thoughts for a happy heart.

that's one of the labels i use for some of my posts. it comes from how i feel after watching Madame Blueberry from veggie tales. i love veggie tales.
"a thankful heart is a happy heart".
and you know what- i think that i might have the happiest heart in the world. because i am just so thankful for all that the Lord has done for me.

"you give and take away, my heart will choose to say, Lord Blessed by Your Name"

He does take away. He took the old life i had, and gave me all His love. i know from the outside looking in, it must just look odd. i mean, my entire life over the last 10 years was just picked up and dumped upside down. but you know what really happened- all the sin and darkness and pain and sorrow and hurt and sadness that is what got dumped out. the Lord picked my life up, and held on to me, and shook everything else off of me.
He took. and He gave. and my heart pretty much shouts as loud as it can, Blessed is HIS Name.
and how am i really not so sad and devastated? well, honestly, sin overtakes every area of your life, and the sin that was in my marriage pretty much consumed and destroyed any good. and i am thankful to the Lord for the pain that was happening for so long, because when the Lord shook it off of me, i was left with my Savior. and the path He put me on. and i'm not lost. i mean, sure, i don't always know where north is(apparently its always the top of a map) but i know that with my eyes focused on the Lord i can follow His path for me.
a thankful heart IS a happy heart.

157) there's a little girl sitting next to me pretending to be a dog.

158) and 10 minutes before we were playing beauty shop. i love how quick her mind can jump from one thing to the next.

159) some night. new music from my second favorite band.

160) for constant encouragement.

161) for the boys at my coffee shop. i can say boys. they are either soooooo young, or i am really old. yesterday, alex looked at me and said i looked frustrated (cause i'm usually perky and laughing) and derek just looked at my frustrated face and said, "perseverance". i tip these young boys well. i am thankful for pleasant faces that now my struggles, and actually care about the old woman sitting at the bar.

162) hugs from my sister Jess. be able to greet her with a latte and a smile. the grace that God gives.

163) headphones that don't stick in my ears.

164) for reassurance on my fronts that the headphones don't make me look like a major dork.

165) confidence in knowing i am a total dork. and that's okay.

166) dancing with all of my kids today. watching little Henry's dance moves. sadly too similar to mine. poor kid.

167) texts from my little brother Paul. he's coming home soon. it makes me happy. very happy.

168) a message from Serena that made me laugh so loud Campbell came to see what was wrong.

169) for knowing the Lord has been in His arms, even when i am confused.

170) my mother who makes me dinner every night.

171) resting in knowing that His Grace is enough.

172) remembering to draw on the truth of the Lord when in difficult situations. and seeing a change of behavior in myself- drawing closer to Him, being better for Him.

173) for mengage toi red wine, mushrooms, and jack cheese.

174) the huge hugs from an eager 18 month old baby.

175) new music in my headphones. i know i was already thankful for new music. but i'm really thankful.

176) campbell, mason, henry, and wilder. the 4 most amazing things i have ever done. my ministry.

177) the freedom from darkness to be a better mom. not perfect. if i were perfect i wouldn't need Jesus.

i am a very thankful woman. i have a very happy heart.
if you would, pray for my baby sister. she has to have a tooth pulled tomorrow. no drugs. i can't even think about it without my body going fairly numb. she is brave for that baby of hers. already sacrificing her own comfort for her daughter.
she's a mom already, and she doesn't even realize it.