gratefulness

my wonderful friend becky posted today on being thankful. i fear i tend to complain a bit to much in my little space here. and i don't mean to. wait- yes i do, when i open my mouth and complaints come out, that is something that i am intentionally doing. i noticed i do it when i talk as well. someone will pay me a compliment or ask me about something and somehow in my answer a complaint or criticism follows.
like this:
q:"how's the new house?"
a:"oh it's great... i really wish such and such was done, or that we didn't have to such and such...."
q: "the kids are getting big"
a: "yeah, i really wish they would...."

see what i mean. and i really do it way to much.
and i wonder, if i demonstrated a tad more thankfulness in my life, if i would be a tad more happy.
"a thankful heart, is a happy heart". i'm sure that can be found somewhere in the Bible, or a paraphrase at least. but for now, i quote one of my favorite veggie tales: madame blueberry.
that song is really wonderful. and i can't help but think if i broke up arguments with my children by breaking out in that song, if our days wouldn't improve just a little.
or if when i feel the urge to be frustrated with my kids or with sam, if i really stopped and said a silent prayer of thankfulness for them. because really, if they were stripped from my side it would be darn near impossible to find the thankfulness to continue on, so shouldn't i be thanking the Lord everyday that i have them?
or the multitude of other wonderful things that He has continued to bless so unworthy a person such as me?
what if when asked a question, if instead of tagging on a complaint, i always added "God is so good".
i understand the need to complain, the verbal monologue that can pour out of my mouth. maybe, just maybe it would be better to pour that complaining waterfall of thoughts towards the ears of the One who can give me peace. and of course, my trusted friends and loved ones who will guide me back to Him.
thank you becky, for giving me a wonderful dose of inward perspective, i know that the Lord used you to day. i am very thankful for you!

being caught up.

i have just discovered that i will in fact never be caught up. not right now anyways. i sometimes contemplate what it would be like to wipe my plate clean, and just have the kids and Sam and the house. but that's a funny thing to think, because it never is just those things, is it?
and i really am loving the other things that i am doing. but the truth is, i am feeling once again- overwhelmed. like, sit in a corner and shake with hysteria-how do i ever think i will accomplish everything- overwhelmed.
sadly, this little blog is one thing that is easily neglected. maybe if my phone was working i would actually start "tweeting" because i tend to have random one line thoughts many, many times throughout the day.
right now its almost 10:30, which i have been in bed my 10 pm most nights. i am happily sticking to my workout schedule, and very happily shedding the baby pounds. i have been neglecting so many things i just don't know how to get back there.
for someone who prefers to be on top of things, this isn't how i love to live.
the holidays are a busy time. starting an online class on the composition of breastmilk is a challenging subject. preparing for the possibility of a part time job gives me a second to pause and reflect how i spend my time.
i know that i do have obligations and commitments. and i know that i do love making gifts for people. but i also know what i need. i need to be silly with my children and try and not let my brain think about all the things that i need to do. i need to spend time with sam connecting and talking and vegging. i need to expand my brain and read, and pour myself into my relationship with the Lord.
most importantly i need to find the geneticist from the movie mulitiplicty and see if there is anything at all that i can do.....
i hope to share more of the positives of what i've been doing. i did get a little caught up on the blog for the kids. not so much narrating each picture (which i like to do, and need to do to remember all of this in the years to come) but some new ones are coming.
10:33. I really do need to go to bed. i really do need to make a list.
but i don't really have time or the focus.
15 days till i get to have a small vacation in portland, and then a week with my family for thanksgiivng, and then my first (and sam's) ever football game to attend. and getting to spend time with my sister.
and then, my birthday. and holiday fiascos. which just reminded me of something else i have forgotten to do.
maybe a list isn't such a bad idea.
the best idea would be a embedded chip into my brain that automatically listed everything i need to do, by priority......
so apparently i either need to start taking science and technology classes or
i need to give myself a break.

and it's october.

how did that happen? sheesh. and today, my beautiful newborn is 5 weeks. how did THAT happen? it really does feel like yesterday i was staring into his face at the hospital, waiting for sam to come and pick us up. wilder and i enjoyed several hours of alone bliss before we headed home to the zoo, um family, that was awaiting us.
and its been full steam ahead ever since.
i don't have much blog worthy to say tonight. i wanted to post a 5 week shot of my little man, and check in, cause its been a couple of weeks.
how fast weeks fly now.
i really want to do some fall art projects with the kids, hope i can get myself into gear for that. we did make little leaf people (an idea i saw on one pretty thing) that was really quick and easy, and the kids are still playing with their people weeks later. maybe it hasn't been that long. i burnt myself with my hot glue gun when we made them and the burn is still on my wrist.
how long do burns last?
i was planning on going north next weekend, but it isn't going to happen. i need to plan a trip. i have some special people i need to see. and christina, my sister has learned to sew, so she will definitely want to do some fabric shopping in portland (and just oodle at your awesomeness- i saw lunch bags at ben franklin and fought the urge to prop it open to your bag for all shoppers to see!)
tonight i read to campbell out of Charlotte's Web. his attention lasted for 2 chapters and then we had to quit when henry wouldn't stop jumping on me. it was a very special time. i love to read out loud, and soon campbell won't need me too. i mean really soon, his reading is impressing me more and more each day.
mason's turning into a girl more and more each day. she's kissing longer. uh-oh. but really, its cute. she's realized that giving a kiss is a special thing. lately when she goes into take her nap she'll be naughty and get out of bed and cause mayhem (aka waking henry from his much needed naps) but then sometimes i'll peer in at her, undetected, and watch her playing with her dollhouse, or animals, or looking at books, or today- cuddled in bed with all her elephants and having the "mommy" take care of the "baby".
be still my heart.
and then there's henry. he walked around all day today with "that's not my dragon" a book that i bought for campbell years ago. he would only flip between the first two pages, but he carried it around, "reading" it all day. and today as i was nursing wilder, he came up with his book and sat next to us, and kept leaning over kissing wilder's head.
and my baby, my new baby (because henry is still the baby in my heart) nurses like a champ, is being such a good sport about all the gentle love he gets from his siblings, and gives me more sleep at night than i deserve.
when i found out that sam wasn't going to be able to take his 6 weeks off like we had hoped, i knew that being alone with the kids early on would either solidify in my mind that i was done having babies, or make me realize i could handle more.
well, i know i can handle more. both sam and i realize that.
but do we want more.
how's about this: is my sister gets pregnant in the next 6 months, then it will be pretty impossible to resist the urge to have a baby at the same time as her (a month or 2 later obviously) but to have cousins the same age.... and to share a pregnancy with her.....
of course, tomorrow i might be ready to pull my hair out, you never know.
all i know is, i'm getting a quiet few minutes to myself at the craziest time of day, and i have a pretty nice husband to thank for that.
sorry for the random post (although i have real random thoughts to share at another time). i had no real topic in mind when i sat down. and then the fact that my baby is 5 weeks, and it goes so fast, made me want to write down the memories i have of today, because sad as it is, this- blogging, pictures, journaling, is the only way to keep the memories for me.
and they are so precious, i don't want to lose more than i have.

a pretty good deal

so my friend jana just called me about a fun online deal from one kings lane. it seems to be a fun online home decor store, that has sales all the time. if you use this link (cause it's mine) and sign up (its completely free) you get a $15 credit at the store, which includes the shipping, so if you find something for under 10 bucks, you can spend about 2 dollars and get something fun- either as a gift, or for yourself.
i got these for under 2 dollars. not to shabby, especially if you know how much i love salad, and how much i love green!
refer your own friends and get $15 bucks each time someone signs up.... you could probably get most of your Christmas shopping done that way.
although, sign up under me first :)
ok, i'm off to a child free day (except my newborn) of alone time!

my full plate.

life is full. i've been alone several times this week, and am surviving. the days are not so bad. basically because our schedule hasn't changed to much- we still have our morning routine (which i am constantly trying to improve on) and are doing our home-schooling, but mostly we are surviving because i have mastered nursing while walking around.
i figure it burns twice the amount of calories.
everyday there are still struggles though. my biggest puddle to wade through right now is to work on not yelling. there's the yelling when i am on the couch nursing trying to get someone's attention (usually to stop fighting or to have someone race outside and get henry to stop doing something unfortunate- aka, heading for the street) or the loud un-loving words that come out of my mouth as my children push me towards utter frustration.
and it makes me sad for many reasons, 1- that i have such little self-control that i cannot keep myself from constantly making the same parenting mistakes, and 2- that little wilder is hearing his mama have a pretty unhappy tone way to much.
its not all bad. its pretty good (however the last 2 nights that i had to manage solo had some un-fun moments and my first everyone crying at once catastrophe) its just when i see the bad spark up in me it seems to undo the good.
at least everyday is a new day. i can apologize to my children for losing my cool, and move on to the next thing. i can look at my new baby and think about his gentle spirit before i open my mouth. i can remember that my children are sinners just like me and they haven't been given a spirit of self-control.
and i can ultimately remember that i will blink my eyes and this will be over. even as mason came and kissed wilder this morning, looking at her little brother with such affection i thought, "she's going to be a mama someday". and that someday will come faster than i realize.
outside of the day to day routine of children, cleaning, laundry, cooking, and the other multitudes of homemaking, i have other things sorting through my brain. like the constant paranoia that every little cough my baby makes could be whooping cough.
or the fact that my application for becoming a lactation consultant has been accepted, and that i now have 2 years to complete 500 clinical hours, take 45 hours of breast-feeding education, and another long list of tasks to complete, and still awaiting to hear when i will start peer counseling at our wic office.
oh, and we are doing a handmade holiday (super excited) so i will be making all our gifts.
and christmas is less than 100 days away.
and a week in washington for thanksgiving.
co-hosting a soup night with my girlfriends, and getting ready to plan out my 2nd annual handmade holiday party.
and wanting to really enjoy the holidays with my kids this year.
and exercising and dieting. because i would really like to slim down.
hmmm. i thought taking a few minutes to blog would make me feel a little bit more relaxed, not a little bit more overwhelmed. that's ok. sam took the older two for an errand and its quiet here (except for the sounds of screaming children at recess at the school across the street) so i think i will finish my christmas list (its almost done) type it out and promise not to change it.
but first, maybe my Bible, and another cup of refresh tea.

a funny observation.

my little mason, ms. attitude, was helping me fold some laundry today. well, "help" isn't the best description, standing above me and offering helpful advice and a bit of sass might be a better description. and as she was standing there she was poised ever so perfectly with her hand on her hip. and i thought to myself, "i really need to catch a picture of this" because it is a new little trait she is bestowing.
and then, mere moments later, a nice elderly couple showed up with a casserole for us for dinner. and as i was talking to them mason came and stood by my side, and as i casually looked down at her, i noticed that not only did she have her left arm propped up on her hip, but so did i.
i guess it's either genetic, or she's watching me more than i realize.

surviving.

people i love very much

yup, i am surviving. however, i have not been alone with all of my kids yet. yet. its looming. soon i will be alone, with 4 little ones who want all of my attention, who need to be fed, or taken to the bathroom, or taught, or disciplined. 4 little ones who want my love and smiles, and will require my patience and focus.
its intimidating. i have a few more days to get prepared. and i know that the only way i will make any of this work is to have a very consistent and strict schedule. at least for the mornings. basically, i know that if i don't wake up before my children i am toast. i can do it. who needs lots of sleep, right? actually, i don't. pregnancy makes me tired. as in my body doesn't function the same way. but i really don't need a lot of sleep. and as of today Wilder isn't really waking up to nurse at night. i mean, he kinda wakes up, roots around (as he is nestled right next to me) and will nurse. i am not sure how long, he's mastered nursing while i lay down and i fall asleep. its rough.
i'm nervous about how things will go, but its also that anticipation of seeing what it will be like.
the last few days have been really nice. my sister has been here, spoiling me with her time and attention and help. i taught her to sew. well, basically we worked through a pattern and she revealed her amazing ability to sew and catch on to things. seriously, serena- she did her very first zipper, without help. its very impressive, and i'm jealous. i didn't catch on this quick, and still need lots of help. she's a rockstar. i hate that she is leaving tomorrow. it sucks. absolutely sucks. but she is (i hope, hope, hope) coming back in october. and i am finally getting a small break- i'm flying up to portland (christina- here are my dates) october 15-17th for a girls getaway. i haven't been kid-less and sam-less since i was pregnant with mason. and i won't be kid-less, i'll have my wilder, but he's so sweet and sleepy that its not the same.
things are going really well. my biggest concern right now is getting enough time to spend with all my little ones, especially henry. i miss him. its strange to say, but i do. having him changed my heart in a way i can't explain, or i can- having him made me know that i wanted another baby, and he's held a different spot in my heart. henry doesn't seem worth for wear though, he's happy to be playing outside, interested in our new baby, and incredibly busy. but i do miss the time i had to just snuggle him. and i need to make sure that i am doing that with all of my children, every day.