the longest post i may ever write.

it may come as a surprise that i have a blog. it is a surprise because for so long i have been afraid. i have kept myself to myself. only willing to want a few select people see this. which is funny since it is on the web, unblocked. and yet, here i am, i have a blog.
one of the last conversations that i remember having with my brother-in-law was about this blog. he liked the way i wrote. he wanted to see my write more.
i doubt he would have every suspected that i come out with this.
in my weakness He is sufficient. the only truth i can stand by, as I type and shake and methodically rock back and forth like an afraid child.
here i am. i don't want to run away from this.
i have made quite a few confusing posts on facebook in the last week of my life.
and as i won't go into all the details, i will say this- and i have no shame in saying everything in this post simple because i stand by the fact that in 1 John 1:5-10 we are not called to be in the darkness, but to stand in the light.
and it has been far to long, that i have been hiding in the dark.
last Wednesday at just 1 am, i discovered the horrible truth that i had been believing for several days. my husband, Sam, had been having sex with an employee of his at starbucks.
over the next few days more information came to light. they had been involved for 9 months.
and then, just 3 days ago. did i learn that he had had sex with 3 other woman from starbucks, starting in 2008.
as you can imagine, my world has simply fallen apart.
but this is not a post on how my world has fallen apart.
i am devastated, severely. the emotions i have been feeling for the last week are some of the strongest i have ever felt. and i have decided that outside one of my children dying, this is the worst pain that is imaginable for a person to endure.
but He who loves me and created me, will not give me more than i can handle.
later, i will have a serious conversation at what i consider really pushing that fact to the brink. because really, this feels like just shy of too much.
what do you need to know?
2 things: 1, i have lost total and complete trust in Sam. the more distance i put between him and myself, i can see more and more. and at this time, i know that the Lord knows more, and i will wait and rest in Him.
Exodus 14:14 "the Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still".
so, i "try" and be still. and i fail miserably. but i am hopeful that He is who created me and loves me and is now my comfort in great sorrow, will hold me close to Him and show me how to be even more still.
2, i will stand by this:
Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.
and that is the only honest thing i can really cling to. everything in this world will fail me. everything. i am un-sturdy, and when i think that this cannot be happening- i have this and only this to cling to.
i do not understand why this happened. i do not understand why i found myself married to a man who lied to me from the beginning. i do not understand why i could not see more. i do not understand how 10 years of my life could pass and i would be so completely foolish.
but- all the things i do not understand, they don't matter.
Trust in the Lord with all you heart. i cannot understand this. I can only trust that the Lord is going to use everything for His good purpose. i can only hope and pray and trust that He is knew me before i was formed in my mothers womb has a plan for my life.
He will make my paths straight. He will give me my hearts desires. He will hold me in His hand and be my comforter no matter what happens.
He will never leave me nor forsake me.

There will be more posts to come.
right now, what you should know.
i am completely broken. and you know what. God wants complete broken-ness. a friend that i have been talking to, i keep saying, "all i wanted was to be a wife and mother' this was the desire of my heart.
and i am broken. because the desire of my heart was not what it should have been. my desire needs to be only to love and serve my Lord. out of the ashes will come joy. He has the opportunity to show turn my wailing into dancing. And He will. HE NEVER BREAKS HIS PROMISES. He never promised me that Sam wouldn't cheat on me- He said that HE would never leave me- and He hasn't. He didn't promise that my life would be perfect- in fact its pretty much the opposite when you pick up your cross and follow Christ- but He did promise that His grace was sufficient for me.
And it is.
what i need:
prayer that God shows me the truth. i am moment to moment struggling. with for one- all the women Sam has broken the covenant of my marriage with. they pop up everywhere. Everywhere. and as much as i'd like to give you their names so you can go and unleash a little vengeance for me, i must know that the Lord will fight for me, i only need to be still.
i need prayer for the truth. i need prayer to keep my eyes on the Lord, and not on the past. the verse that talks about not worrying about tomorrow- talk about perspective. stupid perspective.
i need prayer. lots of prayer.
i am giving myself time to grieve for the death of my marriage. i am giving myself time to mourn.
and then, my mourning will be dancing.
and all i know is that i have complete faith that God uses every thing for His glory.
and that He must want something from this.
i need prayer, in high school we would say "for an unspoken" and so, i will say that- because i know if all of you join me in prayer for an unspoken request that God will heart it.
i am thankful for the tremendous outpouring of love and support i have received.
i am thankful for four beautiful children who the Lord has given me.
and even though it hurts more than anything i could ever imagine, i am thankful that i no longer live in the darkness of sin.

If you couldn't tell by my post early this morning, I'm posting from my phone. This morning I had my phone in hand, and tonight I have it too.

And here I am, breaking ages and ages of bloggy silence with 2 posts in one day.

I'd like to share with you my plans for 2012. Resolutions, things to change, ways to improve, measurement for an ordinary life.

We start with the 100's. Sam had this idea for doing 100 days of challenges (100 days of riding his bike, 100 days of being on a trail, etc) and so I am kind of doing a similar thing.

100 days of abs (I work out almost every day, but rarely spend quality time on this area. I'm not looking for any super big results- I am hoping for small improvement)

100 days of games with my kids (my days run together, and I often don't prioritize little luxuries knot my days- you know showering and eating while sitting down- but I forget that I want to create moments with my children that they will remember, so, games- small amounts of time that I know they crave and love and that I need to remember to do.

100 days of writing (here on my blog, in my journal, and the story I have started and want to finish)

100 days of walks with my family (I think that my children are so much happier when they are outside and I KNOW that Sam is so much happier outside, so why am I not make a better effort to be where they enjoy being? This needs to change)

100 days of creating- craft, new food (I miss creating. Miss it badly. And I need to be doing it and I really look forward to 100 posts with new creations.... Even if I make the same thing 10 times)

100 days of videos (Everytime I find a video of my children on my computer I ooh and ah and feel 2 things- 1) oooooh my kids!!!! And 2) why don't I have more memories in videos!?!? That must most change! In this world of technology, I must be able to have more.)

100 days of devotions with Sam (Sam and I need the intimacy and reminder of Who is supposed to be guiding our marriage, our hearts, and our lives)

So those are my 100 days.

And here are my personal goals:

Read the Bible in 90 days again (this was an amazing start to 2011)

Read books- 24 books this year (list to come later)

Create all recipes from Deceptively Delicious

Stay on budget

Keep a meal plan

Take out contacts and floss

Really grow my garden

Declutter: big time!!!

Use my crockpot

Perhaps I will try and weekly or every other week check in with how the personal goals go.

Stay tuned. 2012- I'm ready.

Ish.

2012

I'm having a rough start to 2012. But as I sit here before 6 am, not even 6 hours into the new year, I am going to try and start strong- even if it is only in my mind-

Instead of dwelling on: I awoke at 5:30 (not 5) which is supposed to be alone time in the morning, I awoke alone- Sam's already at work. And not to the sounds of silence, to the sounds of two boys laughing awake downstairs, and the screams of my baby upstairs. The two downstairs are coughing and snotty, but happy. The one upstairs is covered in vomit that is dried and old from who knows how long.

That's all before a cup of coffee.

But you know what? New year.

Campbell was happy enough to return to his room with the knowledge he couldn't get up (quiet downstairs) after I got Wilder cleaned up he is now snuggled up to me in bed, half snoring through a stuffed up nose. And Sam had made the coffee before he left, so I am enjoying my first cup of coffee of 2012 in bed.

See, it's all how we choose to look at things, right?

Speaking of looking at things- I'm doing odd resolutions, and I guess one will have to be: take contacts out! My eyes are burning!!!

I'm going to gather my thoughts on the things I want to do this year, but after my eyes aren't burning, and the snoring baby on me is feeling better, and my coffee is consumed.

Happy new year.

another day

its almost 9 pm, and i'm tired. i've been up since a little after 5 (or ok, a little before 6- but who really looks at the clock when it is that dark outside?) and i have been on my feet pretty much non stop working on training my children and their behavior. that is hard. on top of the normal cooking, cleaning, talking, and home-schooling.
and then, i sit at the end of the night and wonder, "what did i get done today?", which is what feels the most discouraging, when at the end of the day and my house isn't the way that i would want it. and the things that i would want to do, just don't get done.
that's frustrating- right?
well, i can't do a lot about that right now. except to try and remember what i did do.
and remember, even if i only did small things, i really enjoyed them.
like, making a birthday cake for Jesus.










what will i do tomorrow?

today

i need to remember today. how the air was cool and perfect, chilly but not cold. How my children were excited just to be out spending the day with me, running and playing happily.
i need to remember the noises Wilder made while worn on my back, how he cooed and sighed happily, sounding a little snuffly, but in a sweet and quiet way. how he laid his head against my back, trying to sleep. how wearing him through the mine made me happy and content. and then when he was off my back and in my arms, how my tired baby nestled into my chest and was calm and restful.

i need to remember how Henry chased after sound he heard. how he was searching for an echo.... whatever that was. how he pointed his finger and loudly announced “this way”. how when Sam and Mason and Campbell, but special boy led me down a different path (how this boy has led me on a different path indeed), how he and i (and wilder on my back) went off the path, how he was fearless in his search for noises and water. how when he started to get tired he sat on the floor of dirt and looked up at us stubbornly.

i need to remember my sweet Mason running to Henry’s side, insisting he could do it, and that she could be his partner. how Mason took in the beauty around her and was searching and hoping to glimpse a deer (we didn’t), how she found sticks and rocks and pinecones, determined to find something for the “collection” she brags about.
I need to remember my boy Campbell, older and asking questions about everything. and not just simple “why” but thorough questions, looking for an answer. how he tired of the walk,but rallied for the rest of us and continued on his way. how he climbed over rocks and logs and listened to every word that Sam had to say.

i need to remember how Sam took pride and love in showing his children the difference in trees and pine cones, how he was able to quiet them with a “listen” and they would all strain to hear what their dad had to say or what their dad was hearing.
i need to remember this day.
i turned 30 today.

before noise.

a rare and briefly quiet moment i am in right now. my children are exhausted from a fun day out and about yesterday. although, sam and i drug them around roseville for 8 hours and from my perspective for them i can't imagine it was fun- but they had a great time (play structures in a mall, getting to climb on rocks in rei, cruising at the greatest store ever- costco- and chocolate frosty's.... maybe that is a great day).
so now, i await their waking up. to not wake them i haven't been tackling the piles we brought in from our van, or the cluttered coffee table. nope, i read my Bible, had some coffee (lots) and played on my computer.
and i have nothing terribly brilliant to say today.
tomorrow i have hosting a soup night, and i am really hoping to get a few new recipes. i am seriously dreading the idea of corn in anyone's soup... i sure do hate corn in things.
but hot soups, time with friends, and then the weekend. although, yesterday was really our weekend, sam is working steadily till... well looks like 2012. but that's ok.
because- i no longer have a job.
i'm not quite sure if i ever even mentioned my job here, but it was one of the primary reasons for my lack of blogging and my lack of crafting. as much as i loved working with pregnant and nursing mama's, and loved the ladies i was working with, the relief that is now calming me daily is the most amazing things.
be still and know that He is God. this was the biggest answer to prayer- and honestly the fastest answer i have gotten. tuesday: Lord, please take this job away, i cannot quit, but i cannot do it. wednesday: job- we've had budget cuts, would you like to resign?
halleluiah.
so, now i am back to my original job- being a mother and a wife. a friend, a sister, a daughter of Christ... all the things that i have sorely been lacking from my life.
i'm hoping to have exercise more patience, spend more time with those i love, and craft a heck of a lot more. i sure have missed it.
and maybe, you'll see me here more.

my obsession

ok- so that title is fairly misleading, because so many things could be considered my obsession. for example:
anything with a hood, journals, bags, hoarding glass jars, the search for the perfect hair curl product, anything tina fey does, sam waterson, homeschooling curriculum, anything the firm does.

to name a few.

but for the next few minutes, i would like to share a little bit about my obsession with diet and sugar. i am sure that i have mentioned my diet issues... right? well, i don't need to refresh anything here, because it is a snooze fest. but lately, i have been really feeling down on myself because i have been eating really poorly. like 3 solid weeks of feel better food. like, making the pioneer woman's truly awesome chocolate sheet cake 3 times in one week and still wanting pizza for dinner poorly.
poor diet aside, the worst part is it is just now starting to cool down. good-bye forgiving stretchy skirts- hello jeans which have become smaller since the last time i wore them.
fantastic.
but i did this to myself. so for the last week (a week, wow, such an accomplishment) i cut sugar out of my mon-fri life. okay- it was mon-thurs, my best friend made me celebration cookies, which i had on friday.
but- anyways, i have been attempting to eat more purposefully through out the day, and stop my eating by 8 pm (i would love to have it be 7, but with the kids that isn't always practical) and then only having sugary desserts on the weekends. it is a slight modification of the no s diet.
so. after a week of no sweets during the week (note- not no sugar- i did have homemade blueberry muffins (but i make them myself, and the sugar isn't extreme) Izzy's (hey, the FDA says it counts as 2 fruit servings) and fruit strips (yumm) i am pretty happy. well- i was mon-thurs. i felt accomplished, and happy- because i knew that i was eating good, healthy things for my body and that my snacking was finally under control.
well. thursday... we ate at sam's parents and had my favorite dinner... taco salad- which, my plate was too full... fail.
friday, sam brought home chipolte... awesomeness, but when i poured it on my plate, holy banana times it was so FULL, and then... cookies. 2, but cookies. and a portion of a cookie and several chips at like 9:30... fail.
and then tonight, after a great day of moderate eating, we had pizza for dinner (not the worst thing ever, and mine was full of freshly chopped veggies) but i had a cookie (darn they are good) and i made these. smores. cookies. bars.
yeah.
and you know what? my tummy hurts. and i did it to myself. and psychologically i am kind of freaking out. and i did it to myself.
soooooooo.....
how do i do this? i love sugar. it is delicious. it tastes great, and their are some really fantastic recipes out there that are just begging me to try them.
yum.
but, here i am, with a full tummy that is aching at me, and i feel guilty. and i don't want to feel guilty, and i want to have that accomplished self-control feeling.
ok, personal therapy here, as i work this out through my typing.
the smores cookies bars, as fantastic as they were- are really really rich, and perhaps not the best thing to eat after dinner of something like pizza. lesson 1.
and maybe- even on the days that i choose to have sugar- it needs to be one thing. not 2, like i did today.
and maybe it should be one day of sugar. not 2.
well, seeing that i have had 2 days of sugar, i will probably not have any tomorrow. i am a big fan of tossing items in my freezer and saving them for later. that and sending freshly baked goods to starbucks. and hey, if i take them tomorrow when sam isn't there, he won't be tempted. everyone wins.
i will check back in about this next sunday. i can be strong. no sugar till saturday- no baking till saturday. and then next sunday when we are going out to the pumpkin patch, i will decide how sunday went.
and see if i can do 2 days.
well, this post got a little bit boring. but, hey- my blog is called generally wondering..ment...
so you get what you get.