my words.

Christs Work. Christs Work. And His promises.
HIS love.
the precious gift of those 4 beautiful children.
Your weakness makes HIM stronger.
You will be mature and complete not lacking anything
you are serving the Lord through this terrible time by turning your eyes to Him
and showing glory to Him.
The pain is real.
HIS love is great enough.
HE won't give you more than you can handle.
He will carry you.
Breathe.
Big sigh.
Christ Works.
And know I am praying.

thankfulness.

all through my (what word actually describes what is going on) ordeal friends have kept asking me about 1000 Gifts, if i have read it, etc. my best friend had lent me the book bttwr (before the truth was revealed) and i never had a change to read it. but one thing that i do understand is that she has you make a list of 1000 things you are thankful for.
so lets start that.

1) the pouring rain and howling wind that i am hearing outside my window pane. it reminds me how present God is, how even though He is not seen with our mere eyes, His awesome power is always available to be witnessed.

2) spending time hearing God's Word and letting it be convicting to me- not looking simply for the judgement of others.

3) video chatting with wonderful people.

4) laughing with my boys

5) talking with my dad

6) lunch with a wonderful God loving family: the Platners.

7) feeling excepted and welcomed in a new church body.

8) forever being reminded of God's promises and love.

9) having great friends make me laugh.

10) debating my future as a ninja.

11) watching Wilder mimic Henry and turn himself around and around in circles.

12) warmth and power.

13) freedom in knowing that God knows my hearts, my desires, and that I am seeking Him.

14) truly praying today for another, in a way I haven't prayed before.

15) Serena Longacre. i love this woman so very, very much. if you need an example, i'd read about David and Jonathan's love for each other.

16) watching Henry put a wooden watermelon on a plate for me, then after it touched the plate he would remove it and then bring me the empty plate that in his mind had watermelon on it since the watermelon had touched it. he did this over and over again.

i guess that is a good place to start.

postaholic

i am quite aware that i am posting a lot. it helps. its like therapy. therapy that you share with anyone who wants to hear it. it feels good. to share what the Lord is doing in my life, in my heart. and i believe it is good to share my pain. and my experience. if hopefully through my story, my testimony, that this can be prevented for even one other marriage, then God has done something good.
i pretty quickly and drastically closed my facebook account a few days ago. i loved the support i was getting. loved it. but i was spending to much time looking at the faces of the women sam had sex with. too much time messaging anyone else that i thought he had sex with. messaging people for answers. drawing myself further and further into his horrible web of lies.
so i pulled the plug. i allowed Jesus to carry me out of that horrible place (it was a horrible place for me) and i am so happy to be free of it. the joy i received even after a day of not having to see things. unspeakable joy.
so no, i didn't unfriend you. i didn't have a nervous breakdown. i am choosing to share my story here, in a place that for awhile i was afraid to share with anyone who knew me.

just another rainy day

i have a lot of thoughts in my mind right now. a lot. divorce. the prodigal son. my relationship with the Lord. what the Lord has for me. what the Lord has given me. who i am. and i plan on writing about many of those.
but today, the Lord gave me a very literal example.
i drove myself to church today, sat through a convicting message on the sins of both the brothers in the prodigal son. sat through baby dedication and watched the happy marriages. felt the Lord pull on my heart as i realized how much i need HIM. and how i can't expect every message i hear to make me feel more vengeance for sam, but instead show me my ultimate need for MY Savior.
and then i was blessed to be invited to lunch with kris and adam platner and their beautiful children. so i got in my van and followed them. and it started to rain. hard. not terribly hard, but it is washington. and my windshield wipers don't work. and as i drove in my van, not getting frustrated at my situation with the faulty wipers, but instead was praying, asking the Lord to make my wipers work. i kept praying that. and then i stopped.
because i realized i didn't need my wipers to work. i needed the Lord to get me to my destination safely. and that even though in my mind fixing my wipers or even asking the Lord to stop the rain would be the "best" way to eliminate my fear- just praying for Him who loves me to guide me and carry safely to my destination. and as i slowly followed adam as he led the way to the restaurant and we got on the freeway where cars went faster and my vision was more blurred, i realized that i could still see. it wasn't perfect by any means, and it wasn't the best- but you know what- i was safe, the Lord had His Hand on me, and i arrived where i needed to go. He gave me what i needed to make it to where i needed to go. and the funny thing was that i could see clearly out my back window. no rain, and the wipers worked there. i could clearly see where i had been. but i needed the Lord to continue to move forward to where He was taking me.
and, this is EXACTLY what HE is doing right now in my life. this is NOT how i want my life to be. i think that "fixing my wipers" or "stopping the rain" would be very simple solutions to my current problem. i mean, logically, it makes sense to me.
but- the Lord wants me to trust solely in Him, that even though the path ahead i cannot see (as i could barely see in front of me in the van) that if i kept my eyes focused on Him (like i had to stay focused on adam's car) that i WILL get to where i am going, and that HE will keep me safe, and HE will be by side. i will survive.
2 Corinthians 12:9-10 But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness," Therefore i will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest in me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
Exodus 14:14
The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.
Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight.

jumbled

that is pretty much how my brain feels right now. jumbled.
last night i was not gently rebuked by a close friend of mine. being yelled out about forgiving sam less than 2 weeks after he broke my heart, our marriage, our life, and being told that if i don't forgive him i will go to hell. awesome.
but- what i do know as truth are 2 things.
1) my friend does care about me.
2) no one can truly understand how this feels UNLESS they are going through it, or have experienced it. but from the people i have talked to, i find the most comfort in those who are going through it, currently. misery loves company.
so. i found myself compelled to study forgiveness today.
Romans 12:17-21
do not repay anyone evil for evil. be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. if it is possible, as far as it depends of you, live at peace with everyone. do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written, "it is mine to avenge; i will repay," says the Lord.
~~ okay i have to interrupt Romans here and side note to
1 thessalonians 4:3-8 it is God's will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid SEXUAL IMMORALITY (come on sam did you freaking never open your bible?); that each of you should learn to CONTROL his own body in a way that is holy and honorable. not in passionate lust like the heathen, who do not know God (and sam claims to know God) and that in this matter no one should wrong his brother or take advantage of him. the Lord will PUNISH men for all such sins (can i get a woo-hoo!sorry i get kind of mad with injustice), as we have already told you and warned you. For God did not call us to be impure, but to live a holy life. Therefore, he who REJECTS this instruction does not REJECT man but God, who gives you his Holy Spirit.
i also want interject here- that my confidence in Sam's relationship with the Holy Spirit is pretty wobbly.
and- when it talks above about controlling his own body- remember what it says in 1 Corinthians 7: 3-5 The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife (NOT TO RANDOM STARBUCKS SKANKS) and likewise the wife to her husband (fyi, i didn't fulfill my marital duty to anyone else) The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the SAME WAY, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourself to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
COME ON.
before i go back to Romans, i want to say this- i never deprived Sam. but on the contrary, i was constantly deprived. and that kind of sucks. especially when i learn later that he was giving his body to others.
ok, i will try and not be so hostile in the rest of this post. i got a little off tangent.
Romans 12-20-21 On the contrary; if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. in doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.
do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.
okay, so i do need to reign in the anger a bit. because there have been moments of pure rage that i could have killed. seriously. sleep deprivation and anger. not a good combination.
more verses on forgiveness:
2 Chronicles 7:14 says that God will forgive, if you humble yourself, pray, seek His face, and turn from your wicked ways.
Ephesians 4:32 Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.
and then the meat of forgiveness- what my friend was alluding to-
Matthew 6:14-15 For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.
and in 1 John 2-6: He is the atoning sacrifice for our sins, and not only for ours but also for the sins of the whole world. We know that we have come to know him if we obey his commands (this can apply to both me and sam- sam shouldn't have had sex with other woman, i have to obey the command of forgiveness), the man who says, "I know him," but does not do what he commands is a liar, and the truth is not in him. But if anyone obeys his word, God's love is truly made complete in him. This is how we know we are in him: whoever claims to live in him must walk as Jesus did.
obeying His commands. so what does this mean?
i am called to forgive- forgiveness does not erase the memories in my mind or the pain in my heart. forgiveness does not mean reconciliation. Adultery. the just-cause for divorce. right?
what is the will of God? the question me and my friend talk about all the time. is divorce the will of God (i know that i am jumping from forgiveness to divorce- you are reading by choice)? i know it is allowed by God, and that i have a choice.
this isn't a 'we don't get along' or 'we aren't in love', this is the most despicable betrayal imaginable. and as it says in Proverbs 7:
with persuasive words she led him astray; she seduced him with her smooth talk. all at once he followed her like an ox going to the slaughter, like a deer stepping into a noose till an arrow pierces his liver, like a bird darting into a snare, little knowing it will COST HIM HIS LIFE. Now then, my sons, listen to me; pay attention to what i say, do not let your heart turn to her ways or stray into her paths. many are the victims she has brought down; her slain are a might throng. her house is a highway to the GRAVE, leading down to the chambers of death.
if i had a nickel for every time i directed sam to the proverbs in regard to starbucks woman... well, i'd be a wealthy woman. his ears were so closed to any truth.
i believe my marriage is dead. for me, my marriage that was: died. instant, horrific, painful death.
Forgiveness is not a release of emotions.
the stages of grief are still there. yes, i can forgive the person who murdered my marriage, however, my pain does not go away. the stages of grief are real. my anger is righteous: my footnote in my Bible for john 2:15-16 says, "it is right to be angry about injustice and sin" and wowza, this is injustice and sin big time.
however, some of my anger has been repaying evil for evil, and that is wrong.
but, there is a reason to be angry- this is the ultimate betrayal. sam's body belonged to me. we shared a covenant. and not only did he break that covennt with not so much as a second thought- because God gave him EVERY OPPORTUNITY to not sin- he still did. and he didn't even consider my safety. he didn't care or respect me. i have a reason to be angry.
but no, i don't have a reason to not forgive.
so i have to forgive. i "get" to forgive. big sigh. biiiiiiiig sigh.
so. divorce. i spent some serious time in the word about this too. because it is ALL i think about.
because to put it bluntly, i do NOT want this man.
sam has been trying to quote Malachi 2:16 at me: "i hate divorce" says the Lord God of Israel.
sure, sam, sure. now you want to quote the Bible? where was all of that when sexual immorality was being read?? huh?
so, i read a little deeper into Malachi. again- not a theologian.
God's hate for divorce in Malachi 2:16 has to be looked at also in the above verses- 13-16
Another thing you do: you flood the Lord's altar with tears. You weep and wail because he no longer pays attention to your offerings or accepts them with pleasure from your hands. You ask, "Why?" It is because the Lord is acting as the witness between you and the wife of your youth, because you have BROKEN faith with her, though she is YOUR partner, the wife of your marriage covenant. Has not the Lord made them one? In flesh and spirit they are his. And why one? Because he was seeking godly offspring. So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith with the wife of your youth. "I hate divorce" says the Lord God of Israel, "and I hate a man's covering himself with violence as well as with his garment," says the Lord Almighty. So guard yourself in your spirit, and do break faith.
God is discussing how you have broken faith with the wife of your youth- the wife of your marriage covenant. He was offering this as a WARNING. "I hate divorce" (which is what often happens after adultery) so remain faithful, guard yourself in spirit and DO not break faith. You cannot use this now as an argument to keep me trapped in a marriage- not when the Lord was using this as a warning- it is BECAUSE the Lord hates divorce that He instructs us to remain faithful to our marriage covenant! Sexual immorality. a truly horrific unreal pain.
now. it would terribly one-sided of me to stop my post here.
because i did study what Jesus has to say about divorce. yes, you can get divorce when there is adultery. it is permitted. and then i read my stupid footnotes. and in the footnotes it says that if their is true repentance, that i am supposed to make every effort to forgive, reconcile, and restore the relationship, because ultimately that is what God wants.
i do not want to have to think about restoration. that makes me completely sick and disgusted. i don't want to have to imagine being forced into remaining married to a man who could be such a terrific liar and manipulator. i can't even fathom ever sharing intimacy with him and all of this honestly leaves me at such a horrendous crossroads in my heart. because i feel like their are only two ways for me to get what i want (divorce from sam)
1) that my heart remains hard.
2) that sam never becomes truly repentant, never chooses his savior, never seeks the Lord, and winds up in the pit of hell.
neither of these options appeal to me.
i am going to interject right now and say: it SUCKS to be me. is my life now meant to watch every move Sam makes searching for true repentance? will i make myself crazy?
or do i turn my eyes to the Lord, and let God handle this situation?
duh. i "know" what i am supposed to do. but fist can i whine and complain like a child?
i DON'T WANT TO! i don't want to give that man the satisfaction of thinking he can cheat, lie, and betray and have me back? no way! i don't want to be with a man who had sex with other woman, who without a second thought lies and steals and brings trash into my bed.
i don't want to.
i kind of sound like jonah. and i really don't want to end up in the belly of a whale.
what does God want? i can honestly say without a shadow of a doubt, that God wants to heal marriage. that the Lord's ultimate will is for marriage to be a sacred covenant.
HUGE SIGH.
i listened to a sermon on sexual immorality today because APPARENTLY i am a glutton for punishment. these are my random notes from it, from 1 Thessalonians 4, and from the teaching of Allan Olender:
God's will= our sanctification, the way of living that means being set apart. it's about my heart. if i get my heart right everything else will be right. am i willing to do whatever God's will is?
Augustine said= love God with all your heart, do whatever you want. God's will is not complicated: justification than sanctification, becoming more and more like Jesus Christ.
so. huge sigh again. i sigh a lot.
all of this to say, "i'm out" and i'm tapping Jesus in to my place (can't you see Him just standing at the sidelines, all stretched, padded up and ready to go?) clearly this needs to be man on man coverage, and i am not the "man" for the job.
Trust in the Lord, and lean not on your own understanding. because i don't understand this and i do not know what God is going to do. but i'm putting it in His hands and i am going to draw near to the Lord.
and thoroughly study repentance.
like a ninja.

***Edited***
after talking my dear friend we talked about "reconciliation" and my internal conflict. and she reminded me that i over and over tried to reconcile with sam, and he NEVER would confess his sins.
- i came to him when he was texting and calling a girl from a starbucks for 2 1/2 years. no true repentance.
- i came to him with others from the church when he was texting another girl from starbucks for a year, including exchanging 4000 texts in one month and telling the girl he loved her.
- i came to him when i found pornography, and he never stopped finding it.
- and finally, i came to him when i thought he was having an affair with the girl from his store, i came to him with another believer. and still, he lied to my face.
so. do i have justification- why do i have to stay around NOW? after i gave him countless attempts, after i begged him for restoration in our marriage.
thoughts?

what i am listening to.

please, please, please- everyone that i know- please listen to this.
it's to late for my situation, i mean- way to late. sam could have listened to this many many years ago, like 10, before we were even married. it doesn't matter for us now. because the damage has been done.
i will blog more about us. but listen to this. with your spouse. with your friends. with your study.

go to this site:
http://www.fcfmv.org/site/audiodownloads.asp?sec_id=1120&nc=1327174579715.55

and its the 1/15 sermon- God's Will is Easy to Know.
Please. listen to it.
And know that i am.
with not just regret, but with hope for my own future.

so many thoughts.

last night before i went to bed power was returned. of course, this was only the superficial power that provides the wonderful luxuries of life that i had so grown dependent on: my fan, my lights, being able to plug in all of my crazy devices.... turning a light on when i use the bathroom.
so dependent on power. and yet, here i am so powerless.
i am desperately trying to control everything. i am quite foolish. its like i am trying to trap water and using a colander to do it: that doesn't work.
i can not remember where this image comes to mind, but i see this woman being restrained by someone as she frantically tries to break free to tackle someone else. i know its a comedy, and when you watch it you are supposed to laugh at how crazy this women is-
and that is how i feel. with my anger. and it SUCKS.
this morning i woke up and thoughts were racing through my head.
~oh no, that horrible smell is ME. (i can't remember when i showered last)
and, my mind was latched onto Sam and girl that he was involved with for 9 months. i kept thinking about their relationship, all that he bought for her (using our money to buy her Levi's car.... can someone please get me that money back???) all the places he took her, how he cared about her, all of the adultery.
and then thinking about all the things i wished i had done differently. if i had INSISTED he not go on his 3 day "hiking" trip he wouldn't have taken her to disneyland, and seriously broken my heart with that.
but. 1 Corinthians 4:5
therefore judge nothing before the appointed time; wait till the Lord comes. He will bring to light what is hidden in darkness and will expose the motives of men's hearts.
THAT is what i must cling to.
it is what i should write on my hand for the day, and post everywhere i can see it (and thanks to a wonderful stocking from my bff i have the cutest sticky notes ever)
this all laid out the way the Lord had intended it.
i mean, Sam had a choice. CLEARLY. and he chose a path that leads to death. and he chose it over and over again. he chose to go off the path of the Lord. but in the end- our Lord does everything He can to get us back to Him, where He wants us.
my friend has told me that i am on the path to forgiveness. another friend seriously rebuked me for not forgiving Sam and that i will be going to hell if i don't forgive him.
i was reminded that the Lord knows my heart. and honestly if i were to forgive Sam today, i would be coming back to the Lord every 5 seconds for forgiveness for anger and hate and bitterness.
i think today i will spend some time studying forgiveness. because i know the Lord knows my heart. and i am in a time of total grief right now. and the stages of grief are all over the place. and the final stage: acceptance- perhaps we can call that forgiveness.
but back to this morning- as i sat cringing in the smell that is myself, thinking about the horrible wrongs done to me, and continuing to ask myself WHY? and mind you- i never really ask Why did God do this to me- because i know that answer. But i keep asking myself, why and how Sam could keep lying to me over and over again.
and this is what washes over me: because its sin. sin that was so deep and so deadly and so purely evil and ugly that there was no sense in it, not conviction, no remorse, no light, no nothing.
and it doesn't matter why or how- because it was just sin.
things that are really troubling to me right now (also known as things you can pray for me about)
~ i am really mad that Sam has suddenly found the road to righteousness and wants to serve our Lord and be saved.
i know, i know, i probably sound like a crazy person for saying that- but honestly, i feel very much like a crazy person.
but REALLY? after 10 years- you NOW, when our lives are torn apart, when we have lost everything, when you have spit on our love and our marriage- NOW you want to be right with the Lord???
1 Corinthians 4:5.
~ i am really mad that no one has kicked the crap out of Sam. come on people. PLEASE. my one request.
~ i continue to struggle with not making it my personal job to bring Sam as much pain as humanely possible.
~ i struggle with remaining still and waiting.

right now, i can only cling to the truths that i know.
that God knows my heart, that God wants me close to Him, that He wants to bear my burdens. That He loves me, and He will not leave me alone in this situation.
okay. more to come throughout the day. processing, processing, processing.
i need to eat, haven't done that yet today. i need to read my Bible.
and i REALLY need to not smell like this..