so many thoughts.

last night before i went to bed power was returned. of course, this was only the superficial power that provides the wonderful luxuries of life that i had so grown dependent on: my fan, my lights, being able to plug in all of my crazy devices.... turning a light on when i use the bathroom.
so dependent on power. and yet, here i am so powerless.
i am desperately trying to control everything. i am quite foolish. its like i am trying to trap water and using a colander to do it: that doesn't work.
i can not remember where this image comes to mind, but i see this woman being restrained by someone as she frantically tries to break free to tackle someone else. i know its a comedy, and when you watch it you are supposed to laugh at how crazy this women is-
and that is how i feel. with my anger. and it SUCKS.
this morning i woke up and thoughts were racing through my head.
~oh no, that horrible smell is ME. (i can't remember when i showered last)
and, my mind was latched onto Sam and girl that he was involved with for 9 months. i kept thinking about their relationship, all that he bought for her (using our money to buy her Levi's car.... can someone please get me that money back???) all the places he took her, how he cared about her, all of the adultery.
and then thinking about all the things i wished i had done differently. if i had INSISTED he not go on his 3 day "hiking" trip he wouldn't have taken her to disneyland, and seriously broken my heart with that.
but. 1 Corinthians 4:5
therefore judge nothing before the appointed time; wait till the Lord comes. He will bring to light what is hidden in darkness and will expose the motives of men's hearts.
THAT is what i must cling to.
it is what i should write on my hand for the day, and post everywhere i can see it (and thanks to a wonderful stocking from my bff i have the cutest sticky notes ever)
this all laid out the way the Lord had intended it.
i mean, Sam had a choice. CLEARLY. and he chose a path that leads to death. and he chose it over and over again. he chose to go off the path of the Lord. but in the end- our Lord does everything He can to get us back to Him, where He wants us.
my friend has told me that i am on the path to forgiveness. another friend seriously rebuked me for not forgiving Sam and that i will be going to hell if i don't forgive him.
i was reminded that the Lord knows my heart. and honestly if i were to forgive Sam today, i would be coming back to the Lord every 5 seconds for forgiveness for anger and hate and bitterness.
i think today i will spend some time studying forgiveness. because i know the Lord knows my heart. and i am in a time of total grief right now. and the stages of grief are all over the place. and the final stage: acceptance- perhaps we can call that forgiveness.
but back to this morning- as i sat cringing in the smell that is myself, thinking about the horrible wrongs done to me, and continuing to ask myself WHY? and mind you- i never really ask Why did God do this to me- because i know that answer. But i keep asking myself, why and how Sam could keep lying to me over and over again.
and this is what washes over me: because its sin. sin that was so deep and so deadly and so purely evil and ugly that there was no sense in it, not conviction, no remorse, no light, no nothing.
and it doesn't matter why or how- because it was just sin.
things that are really troubling to me right now (also known as things you can pray for me about)
~ i am really mad that Sam has suddenly found the road to righteousness and wants to serve our Lord and be saved.
i know, i know, i probably sound like a crazy person for saying that- but honestly, i feel very much like a crazy person.
but REALLY? after 10 years- you NOW, when our lives are torn apart, when we have lost everything, when you have spit on our love and our marriage- NOW you want to be right with the Lord???
1 Corinthians 4:5.
~ i am really mad that no one has kicked the crap out of Sam. come on people. PLEASE. my one request.
~ i continue to struggle with not making it my personal job to bring Sam as much pain as humanely possible.
~ i struggle with remaining still and waiting.

right now, i can only cling to the truths that i know.
that God knows my heart, that God wants me close to Him, that He wants to bear my burdens. That He loves me, and He will not leave me alone in this situation.
okay. more to come throughout the day. processing, processing, processing.
i need to eat, haven't done that yet today. i need to read my Bible.
and i REALLY need to not smell like this..