jumbled

that is pretty much how my brain feels right now. jumbled.
last night i was not gently rebuked by a close friend of mine. being yelled out about forgiving sam less than 2 weeks after he broke my heart, our marriage, our life, and being told that if i don't forgive him i will go to hell. awesome.
but- what i do know as truth are 2 things.
1) my friend does care about me.
2) no one can truly understand how this feels UNLESS they are going through it, or have experienced it. but from the people i have talked to, i find the most comfort in those who are going through it, currently. misery loves company.
so. i found myself compelled to study forgiveness today.
Romans 12:17-21
do not repay anyone evil for evil. be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. if it is possible, as far as it depends of you, live at peace with everyone. do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written, "it is mine to avenge; i will repay," says the Lord.
~~ okay i have to interrupt Romans here and side note to
1 thessalonians 4:3-8 it is God's will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid SEXUAL IMMORALITY (come on sam did you freaking never open your bible?); that each of you should learn to CONTROL his own body in a way that is holy and honorable. not in passionate lust like the heathen, who do not know God (and sam claims to know God) and that in this matter no one should wrong his brother or take advantage of him. the Lord will PUNISH men for all such sins (can i get a woo-hoo!sorry i get kind of mad with injustice), as we have already told you and warned you. For God did not call us to be impure, but to live a holy life. Therefore, he who REJECTS this instruction does not REJECT man but God, who gives you his Holy Spirit.
i also want interject here- that my confidence in Sam's relationship with the Holy Spirit is pretty wobbly.
and- when it talks above about controlling his own body- remember what it says in 1 Corinthians 7: 3-5 The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife (NOT TO RANDOM STARBUCKS SKANKS) and likewise the wife to her husband (fyi, i didn't fulfill my marital duty to anyone else) The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the SAME WAY, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourself to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
COME ON.
before i go back to Romans, i want to say this- i never deprived Sam. but on the contrary, i was constantly deprived. and that kind of sucks. especially when i learn later that he was giving his body to others.
ok, i will try and not be so hostile in the rest of this post. i got a little off tangent.
Romans 12-20-21 On the contrary; if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. in doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.
do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.
okay, so i do need to reign in the anger a bit. because there have been moments of pure rage that i could have killed. seriously. sleep deprivation and anger. not a good combination.
more verses on forgiveness:
2 Chronicles 7:14 says that God will forgive, if you humble yourself, pray, seek His face, and turn from your wicked ways.
Ephesians 4:32 Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.
and then the meat of forgiveness- what my friend was alluding to-
Matthew 6:14-15 For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.
and in 1 John 2-6: He is the atoning sacrifice for our sins, and not only for ours but also for the sins of the whole world. We know that we have come to know him if we obey his commands (this can apply to both me and sam- sam shouldn't have had sex with other woman, i have to obey the command of forgiveness), the man who says, "I know him," but does not do what he commands is a liar, and the truth is not in him. But if anyone obeys his word, God's love is truly made complete in him. This is how we know we are in him: whoever claims to live in him must walk as Jesus did.
obeying His commands. so what does this mean?
i am called to forgive- forgiveness does not erase the memories in my mind or the pain in my heart. forgiveness does not mean reconciliation. Adultery. the just-cause for divorce. right?
what is the will of God? the question me and my friend talk about all the time. is divorce the will of God (i know that i am jumping from forgiveness to divorce- you are reading by choice)? i know it is allowed by God, and that i have a choice.
this isn't a 'we don't get along' or 'we aren't in love', this is the most despicable betrayal imaginable. and as it says in Proverbs 7:
with persuasive words she led him astray; she seduced him with her smooth talk. all at once he followed her like an ox going to the slaughter, like a deer stepping into a noose till an arrow pierces his liver, like a bird darting into a snare, little knowing it will COST HIM HIS LIFE. Now then, my sons, listen to me; pay attention to what i say, do not let your heart turn to her ways or stray into her paths. many are the victims she has brought down; her slain are a might throng. her house is a highway to the GRAVE, leading down to the chambers of death.
if i had a nickel for every time i directed sam to the proverbs in regard to starbucks woman... well, i'd be a wealthy woman. his ears were so closed to any truth.
i believe my marriage is dead. for me, my marriage that was: died. instant, horrific, painful death.
Forgiveness is not a release of emotions.
the stages of grief are still there. yes, i can forgive the person who murdered my marriage, however, my pain does not go away. the stages of grief are real. my anger is righteous: my footnote in my Bible for john 2:15-16 says, "it is right to be angry about injustice and sin" and wowza, this is injustice and sin big time.
however, some of my anger has been repaying evil for evil, and that is wrong.
but, there is a reason to be angry- this is the ultimate betrayal. sam's body belonged to me. we shared a covenant. and not only did he break that covennt with not so much as a second thought- because God gave him EVERY OPPORTUNITY to not sin- he still did. and he didn't even consider my safety. he didn't care or respect me. i have a reason to be angry.
but no, i don't have a reason to not forgive.
so i have to forgive. i "get" to forgive. big sigh. biiiiiiiig sigh.
so. divorce. i spent some serious time in the word about this too. because it is ALL i think about.
because to put it bluntly, i do NOT want this man.
sam has been trying to quote Malachi 2:16 at me: "i hate divorce" says the Lord God of Israel.
sure, sam, sure. now you want to quote the Bible? where was all of that when sexual immorality was being read?? huh?
so, i read a little deeper into Malachi. again- not a theologian.
God's hate for divorce in Malachi 2:16 has to be looked at also in the above verses- 13-16
Another thing you do: you flood the Lord's altar with tears. You weep and wail because he no longer pays attention to your offerings or accepts them with pleasure from your hands. You ask, "Why?" It is because the Lord is acting as the witness between you and the wife of your youth, because you have BROKEN faith with her, though she is YOUR partner, the wife of your marriage covenant. Has not the Lord made them one? In flesh and spirit they are his. And why one? Because he was seeking godly offspring. So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith with the wife of your youth. "I hate divorce" says the Lord God of Israel, "and I hate a man's covering himself with violence as well as with his garment," says the Lord Almighty. So guard yourself in your spirit, and do break faith.
God is discussing how you have broken faith with the wife of your youth- the wife of your marriage covenant. He was offering this as a WARNING. "I hate divorce" (which is what often happens after adultery) so remain faithful, guard yourself in spirit and DO not break faith. You cannot use this now as an argument to keep me trapped in a marriage- not when the Lord was using this as a warning- it is BECAUSE the Lord hates divorce that He instructs us to remain faithful to our marriage covenant! Sexual immorality. a truly horrific unreal pain.
now. it would terribly one-sided of me to stop my post here.
because i did study what Jesus has to say about divorce. yes, you can get divorce when there is adultery. it is permitted. and then i read my stupid footnotes. and in the footnotes it says that if their is true repentance, that i am supposed to make every effort to forgive, reconcile, and restore the relationship, because ultimately that is what God wants.
i do not want to have to think about restoration. that makes me completely sick and disgusted. i don't want to have to imagine being forced into remaining married to a man who could be such a terrific liar and manipulator. i can't even fathom ever sharing intimacy with him and all of this honestly leaves me at such a horrendous crossroads in my heart. because i feel like their are only two ways for me to get what i want (divorce from sam)
1) that my heart remains hard.
2) that sam never becomes truly repentant, never chooses his savior, never seeks the Lord, and winds up in the pit of hell.
neither of these options appeal to me.
i am going to interject right now and say: it SUCKS to be me. is my life now meant to watch every move Sam makes searching for true repentance? will i make myself crazy?
or do i turn my eyes to the Lord, and let God handle this situation?
duh. i "know" what i am supposed to do. but fist can i whine and complain like a child?
i DON'T WANT TO! i don't want to give that man the satisfaction of thinking he can cheat, lie, and betray and have me back? no way! i don't want to be with a man who had sex with other woman, who without a second thought lies and steals and brings trash into my bed.
i don't want to.
i kind of sound like jonah. and i really don't want to end up in the belly of a whale.
what does God want? i can honestly say without a shadow of a doubt, that God wants to heal marriage. that the Lord's ultimate will is for marriage to be a sacred covenant.
HUGE SIGH.
i listened to a sermon on sexual immorality today because APPARENTLY i am a glutton for punishment. these are my random notes from it, from 1 Thessalonians 4, and from the teaching of Allan Olender:
God's will= our sanctification, the way of living that means being set apart. it's about my heart. if i get my heart right everything else will be right. am i willing to do whatever God's will is?
Augustine said= love God with all your heart, do whatever you want. God's will is not complicated: justification than sanctification, becoming more and more like Jesus Christ.
so. huge sigh again. i sigh a lot.
all of this to say, "i'm out" and i'm tapping Jesus in to my place (can't you see Him just standing at the sidelines, all stretched, padded up and ready to go?) clearly this needs to be man on man coverage, and i am not the "man" for the job.
Trust in the Lord, and lean not on your own understanding. because i don't understand this and i do not know what God is going to do. but i'm putting it in His hands and i am going to draw near to the Lord.
and thoroughly study repentance.
like a ninja.

***Edited***
after talking my dear friend we talked about "reconciliation" and my internal conflict. and she reminded me that i over and over tried to reconcile with sam, and he NEVER would confess his sins.
- i came to him when he was texting and calling a girl from a starbucks for 2 1/2 years. no true repentance.
- i came to him with others from the church when he was texting another girl from starbucks for a year, including exchanging 4000 texts in one month and telling the girl he loved her.
- i came to him when i found pornography, and he never stopped finding it.
- and finally, i came to him when i thought he was having an affair with the girl from his store, i came to him with another believer. and still, he lied to my face.
so. do i have justification- why do i have to stay around NOW? after i gave him countless attempts, after i begged him for restoration in our marriage.
thoughts?