iron sharpens iron

i am being ridiculously spoiled. the Lord is faithful to me in so many ways. His provision, His love, His protection, His gentleness. i am spoiled.
that alone is enough to suffice me. Grace is enough.
and yet, He uses others to bless me with kindness, love, joy, peace.
and little presents.

my dear from Piper from my college days has been faithfully praying and contacting me. she also sends me wonderful little gifts in the mail. the packages that have arrived bring my heart great joy. just little tiny things that remind me of how good He is to me, and the heart for Him that so many i love possess.

a beautiful mug, that holds coffee right now.

this journal is so exquisite, and in perfect timing, i have almost filled up my current one.

corn snacks, caramels, and a sweet note.

and a beautiful new necklace. i left most of my necklaces at what was my home, because i no longer wanted them, so i greatly appreciate new things to hang on my neck.

thank you my dear friend Piper. thank you for packages that bring joy to my day.

i would also like to mention my friend Emily, she sent me the book 1000 gifts. i have only just read a few pages, but i am too very thankful for the gifts my friends send me.
i thank the Lord for all of you.

when my mind briefly falters.

i went to bed last night, late. i usually go to bed late. everything in my life has become such a complete shift for me. i used to get up super early, and now, its the night time that arouses me. i used to move mountains to work on my physical body, now i feel weary if i am not working on my spiritual body. i used to feel like fading back into a crowd, now i want to tap dance in front of a fireplace letting the love of Christ that is in me shine out for all to see. for Him, not for me. i am but nothing. it is He is me that makes me everything that i am.
i meditate a lot on the truth. my mind for the last 10 years has been victimized of doubts. certain things like, "well, sure lots of husbands fall asleep in their cars at 3 am and just don't come home..." when that happens like 4 times and you are trying to convince yourself you aren't crazy, well- it makes you crazy.
if i keep my mind centered on the truth of Christ, if i keep my life open and willing to serve and love, if my mind is meditating on the Lord, if i am walking with Him.
i find myself saying little things over and over again to myself:
God is Sovereign (this is huge, it means nothing is a whoops, it means God is in control) He's got me, Jesus loves me, Jesus died for me, The Lord will fight for me, i need only be still, Be still, be strong and very courageous.
and, i do a lot of picturing in my mind, i picture myself in heaven, praising Him in all His glory. i picture myself in a place where there is no pain, no heartache, just Him and glory.
i picture myself at the cross. i picture my Jesus dying for me- He who was perfect, i am who am perfectly flawed and fail in every way, someone else wants me to be perfect.
so last night, as i was falling asleep, and my mind is tired, and the little lies that the enemy tries to bait me with plop into my head, i felt tired.
and this morning, i am not.
bring it on.
the doubts and fear that cloud by mind creating lies are thing that cause me to doubt who the Lord is. so i can cling to truth.
the greatest gift i have ever been given: salvation.
EVERYTHING else that is in m life- gifts from the Lord! all the people, all the things, all the experiences (even something painful like the experience i have been dealing with) and when i let myself worry for even a split second, that well- what if i don't have certain gifts tomorrow? what if something is different than today? well, then i sin and take the glory away from the Lord- because he is the master gift giver and He takes joy in how happy what He gives me makes me. and i know that tomorrow when i wake up i will have at least- which is also the GREATEST (i wake up every morning with the GREATEST gift at my feet) the amazing gift of eternal life. every other gift if a bonus. i have already been given the best.
so i will enjoy every gift my Father gives me today, for every second. this is why He it upsets Him when we complain- LOOK at what He has given us.
i will enjoy what my Father gives me. i will treat my gifts well with respect and in a way that is pleasing to He who gives them.
and i will be thankful. so very thankful.

His love endures

a couple of days ago i had spent the day reading psalm 107. and i stopped at the first verse, deciding to take a closer look.
Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good; his love endures forever.

the word endures is what stood out to me. in my simple mind i thought endures meant: last.
so i decided to look up a couple of translations of this verse, endures was the consistent word. in the ESV, they added steadfast. so i wrote in my journal:

Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good; his steadfast love enures forever.

and then i decided to look up what the word endures means:
to carry on through despite hardships, undergo, to bear with tolerance, to continue in existence, last, to suffer patiently without yielding.
so it means a little more than last.
and then i looked up steadfast.
steadfast: fixed or unchanging, steady, firmly loyal or constant, unswerving.
the Lord's love- His steadfast love is fixed and since we know that God is love (1 John 4:16) we can see He is firmly loyal, constant, unswerving.
And in all that steadfast love- His steadfast love it endures forever- it will carry on through despite hardships, it undergoes, it bears with tolerance, His steadfast love lasts, it will suffer patiently without yielding.
FOREVER.
Give thanks doesn't even seem like enough- when this is what we have from the Lord,
steadfast, unchanging love- that will suffer patiently without yielding. forever.

i will give thanks,

71) a wonderful message at church today, and again feeling welcomed by all who attend, i have found a church body, i am making friends, my children are secure.

72) continually being shown who Christ is in my life, that He is all that i need, that He's got me.

73) my mother, her generosity in giving up her usual routine and taking care of me is more than i could ever ask for.

74) my mother's cooking. its fairly amazing.

75) 5 special hours with my baby sister- i love this girl. and i cannot wait to meet the precious baby that is coming soon.

76) my dad who provides love and discipline for my 4 little ones.

77) listening to henry call my dad "happy" instead of "pappy".

78) mason renamed the song surely goodness and mercy to: the house of the Lord, love hearing sweet words come out of her mouth.

79) beads of color strung together that give my hands something to mess with.

80) a purple journal that is starting to contain words of a story.

81) my littlest brother eric, and the attention he gives my 4 babies.

82) my nightly glass of wine and the sweet taste it has when it hits my mouth.

83) a Bible reading plan that provides me with the truth of God's love, on the days when i truly need to hear it.

84) knowing, The Lord will fight for me, i only need to be still.

85) accepting God's Sovereignty with my arms open wide.

He shapes me in the process

from the morning my eyes awoke this morning, i was shaped. i mentioned it early this morning that i was learning who is in control- uh, Jesus. My Sovereign King, not a riled up red head.
riled up for Jesus that is.
today, i knew i wanted to work towards being gentle- well, gentleness to be specific. a fruit of the spirit. Galatians 5:22-23 but the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.
well, the Lord provided, in His LOVING providence, many opportunities for gentleness. and today, i had many challenges that normally would have led me to despair or anger. ok, who are we kidding- anger is my fall back. and today i was seeking gentleness, today i wanted the love of Jesus to consume me, and that my spirit would be gentle, that i would be a reflection of gentleness.
being shaped into the woman the Lord wants me to be isn't easy. and you know what, it isn't pain free. it still hurts a little from time to time. and even when i felt things swirling around me i can stand firmly and say: i kept my eyes on the Lord. i kept reading my Bible, i went back over old verses, the living Word speaking to me over and over again. i listened and praised and worshiped. i encouraged others. i played with my children, i laughed with them and i laughed at them. i kept my eyes on the Lord. and the pain was still there, but SO were His promises.
finally at around 4 ish, i was pacing around my room saying this:
God is Sovereign, my God is Sovereign, He's got me. God is Sovereign, my God is Sovereign, He's got me.
i mean- come on- a sparrow doesn't fall from the sky that He doesn't know about. He's got me. He's got this. HE is in control. what on earth do i have to worry about? why would should i worry?
i shouldn't. He doesn't want it for me.
draw near to Him, and He will draw near to you- that's a promise. a promise i cling to.
He reigns over everything. my pain, my hurt, my love, my happiness, my desire to seek and serve Him with everything that i am and can be through Him.
today was this:
james 1:3-4 because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete not lacking anything.
He is shaping me. i want to be shaped for Him- i want to be usable for Him.
BRING IT ON.
that's my new motto.
what He is doing in me will make me stronger so that i can be used more for Him.
and i'll take it. i will humbly take it.
tonight, i reflected on the cross. what truly happened there. how much i don't deserve. i need to always bring it back to the cross- and what happened there. i have salvation, this is but a moment in my life, and i have eternity to spend worshiping my Lord. and what does He give me now? a relationship with Him, beautiful laughing children, a family that sacrifices for me, and faithful friends. such faithful friends.
how blessed am i? and, i still get yorks and wine :) ah. yorks and wine. but not as a combo, believe it or not, its not the best.

Isaiah 12: 2-3
Surely God is my salvation; I will trust and not be afraid, The Lord, the Lord is my strength and my song; he has become my salvation. With joy you will draw water from the wells of salvation.

"and the cry of my heart, is to bring YOU praise, from the inside out, oh my soul cries out"

i am a dork.

maybe a dork for Jesus. i have such an incredible freedom that i am simply basking in. i know that i use the word "basking" in a lot. but i am. i feel like i could lay out in the grass letting the suns rays just beam down and heat my whole body. forever. and i will never get burned. i am in the light, and i am not leaving the light of the Lord.
and there is such freedom in loving and serving the Lord. there is such freedom in seeking Him with every breath that i take.
and even when i briefly stumble, i can reach out to Jesus, He is always there.
the Lord is teaching me control today. GOD is Sovereign. He is in control. that's it. no one else. no matter how hard i try to organize, situate, and move things along at my speed- HE is in control. and you know what? His timing as been absolutely spot on, so what on earth do i think that i can do- is my timing better than His? could someone please slap me quickly in the face?
thanks.
His Timing. He is Sovereign. He loves me. And i SURRENDER all to Him. i will follow Him, i will take comfort in He who created me.
and i will sing, i will worship, i will praise, i will read my Bible.
and you know what else, i'm going to quote my personal journal to the Lord this morning, i have been nestled up stairs in my room, praying, seeking, trusting (thanks to my dad downstairs managing my kids)

i cannot push this divorce faster down this path- i cannot, it is the LORD who has me now. He has me, He is protecting me, He is carrying my load- and You know what- now that He is carrying it, it frees me up to bring Glory to Him. to Love Him, to Trust Him- to be an obedient daughter, to glorify Him through being a mother, a friend, a sister, a daughter.
and to write. Lord i will write.
Lord be my constant comfort, I know that i can trust in You I know that I can rely on You alone for everything.

last night i was so overwhelmed by the Lord's thankfulness to me that i had to drive around. not because drive's give me solace, but because i needed the privacy of the dark, and being alone to privately worship the Lord. i might have pitch problems. or key problems. but in the dark of my van when only the Lord is hearing me, it doesn't matter. and it was wonderful. songs sung loud to my Savior. my heart worshiping Him, passion so strong for where He has me, and how He is constantly drawing me close.
i know it might seem odd, to be this happy, in my situation. i can only say this, that the love of Jesus doesn't leave you empty, that the Lord will take the most brokenhearted and restore them, love them, protect them, care for them, give them all that they need.
Jesus loves you, He died for you, He wants to carry the load for you.
i have been finding a lot of comfort in the book of 1 John, my favorite book of the Bible. followed next by Hebrews, than James. then Numbers. just kidding. Numbers is long. real long. and not exactly a baby naming book either.
several passages i've had underlined in my Bible:
1 John 1: 5-10
This is the message we have heard from him and declare to you; God is light in him there is no darkness at all. If we claim to have fellowship with him yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live by the truth. But if we walk in the light as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin. If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us, if we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. if we claim we have not sinned, we make him out to be a liar and his word has no place in our lives.
1 John 2: 3-7
We know that we have come to know him if we obey his commands. The man who says, "I know him," but does not do what he commands is a liar, and the truth is not in him. But if anyone obeys his word, God's love is truly made complete in him. This is how we know we are in him: Whoever claims to live in the him must walk as Jesus did.
1 John 2:17 the world and its desires pass away, but the man who does the will of God lives forever.
1 John 3:1-3
How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God. And that is what we are! The reason the world does not know us is that it did not know him. Dear friends, now we are children of God, and what we will be has not yet been made known. But we know that when he appears, we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is. Everyone who has this hope in him purifies himself, just as he is pure.
1 John 3: 16-20
This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers. If anyone has material possessions and sees his brother in need but has no pity on him, how can the love of God be in him? Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth. This then is how we know that we belong to the truth, and we set our hearts at rest in his presence whenever our hearts condemn us, For God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything.
1 John 4: 16-18
And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him. In this way, love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment, because in this world we are like him. There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives our fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.
and
1 John 5:1-5
Everyone who believes that Jesus is the Christ is born of God, and everyone who loves the father loves his child as well. This is how we know that we love the children of God; by loving God and carrying out his commands. This is love for God: to obey his commands. And his commands are not BURDENSOME. for everyone born of God overcomes the world. This is the victory that has overcome the world, even our faith. Who is it that overcomes the world? Only he who believes that Jesus is the Son of God.

when you seek Him, you will find Him. He will not hide from those who want to love Him.

this isn't normal

how can i be this seriously happy?? i get on the phone with a stranger who doesn't me from adam, and when i answer "what does your husband do" and i'm like, oh has relationships with other women, i am NOT sad. i am sooooooooooooooo overjoyed by how the Lord has set me free. how He lifted me in His loving arms and took me out of the darkness.
the light is amazing. my arms are open wide, i am stretching them up to the Lord and i am praising HIS NAME.

He loves me.
i'm forever thankful.

61) the song Heaven by Live, its playing in my ears right now- uber loud. and i love it.

62) i'm thankful for the stolen moments my dad gives me so i can spend time with my Father. my parents constant help with my children is amazing. i am spoiled rotten, and finding myself growing closer to the Lord with every moment they give me alone.

62) still thankful for surely goodness and mercy.... as this song not plays loudly in my ears. i'm always happy to drive anywhere, the one place i can sing as loud as i want without anyone hearing it.

63) i'm thankful for no regrets.

64) i'm thankful for a kind, loving church body up here that is surrounding me from all ends.

65) i'm thankful that eternity isn't far from us, its soon. i can't wait to dance for my Savior.... and hopefully have rhythm.

66) i'm thankful that in heaven it won't matter if i have rhythm.

67) i'm loving peace that surpasses understanding.

68) i'm thankful for 4 resounding, "MAMA!" whenever i enter a room.

69) i pleased and humbled to be able to finally glorify the Lord with every thing i have.

70) i'm thankful for the sun that has filled the sky.

there is one happy red head up in here.

before the 2nd is over

i am here. i don't necessarily feel the responsibility to blog every day, but i do have the urge.
just so everyone is caught up, i am doing really well. the Lord is amazing. He has lifted me out of the darkest place in my life. out of respect for my children, i have decided (basically in this moment) that i will cease talking about the way their father treated me. if anyone has true questions, they can talk directly to me- it should be no shock to anyone that i am not shy.
"what was he thinking messing with mary". that statement still cracks me up.
but i am stronger now. stronger in the Lord.
but there are things i still struggle in.
like being a mother. i did a lot of the day to day stuff alone. over the last year sam was gone a lot. new store, preoccupied with a girl-friend, and the desire to be climbing mountains, i was home a lot. so i am not sure why not that i am alone, raising my kids at my parents house am i struggling so badly.
well, i am reminded at what a shock this really is to me and my children. being out of our routine. i guess i just thought that since we visited my family before, that this wouldn't really be such an adjustment.
but it is.
and i was reminded, they are just children.
i guess, in my ever growing desire to seek the Lord i am very frustrated that i have not become a stellar mother over night.
they are just children. and it is very challenging to be a mother to 4 young ones, despite what i have been going through.
the hardest part for me is the constant demand for needs to be met. it is constant and never ending. and no one can really do anything for themselves.
and then i realized, Jesus meets ALL my needs. He hasn't let me sad or empty, He has filled me up. and you know what- when my children have constant needs, it is the perfect reminder of how my needs are met.
it was a very good reminder for me today. and i know that i have people praying for me and for patience for my kids, and today was a much better day.
and there will be hard days, but there will be far many better days.
and then- eternity. eternal paradise with the One who has given me everything.
i never truly understood keeping my eyes on Jesus, and eternity until now. and i really never want to stop.
i won't stop.
i may falter in my walk, but i will never again just stop.
because right now, He is my everything, what i need for every breath i take, my constant desire and need. and how, after living like this, and seeing how horrible life is with out Him, would i ever stop seeking Him?
that question doesn't need to be answered. i won't stop seeking Him.