before the 2nd is over

i am here. i don't necessarily feel the responsibility to blog every day, but i do have the urge.
just so everyone is caught up, i am doing really well. the Lord is amazing. He has lifted me out of the darkest place in my life. out of respect for my children, i have decided (basically in this moment) that i will cease talking about the way their father treated me. if anyone has true questions, they can talk directly to me- it should be no shock to anyone that i am not shy.
"what was he thinking messing with mary". that statement still cracks me up.
but i am stronger now. stronger in the Lord.
but there are things i still struggle in.
like being a mother. i did a lot of the day to day stuff alone. over the last year sam was gone a lot. new store, preoccupied with a girl-friend, and the desire to be climbing mountains, i was home a lot. so i am not sure why not that i am alone, raising my kids at my parents house am i struggling so badly.
well, i am reminded at what a shock this really is to me and my children. being out of our routine. i guess i just thought that since we visited my family before, that this wouldn't really be such an adjustment.
but it is.
and i was reminded, they are just children.
i guess, in my ever growing desire to seek the Lord i am very frustrated that i have not become a stellar mother over night.
they are just children. and it is very challenging to be a mother to 4 young ones, despite what i have been going through.
the hardest part for me is the constant demand for needs to be met. it is constant and never ending. and no one can really do anything for themselves.
and then i realized, Jesus meets ALL my needs. He hasn't let me sad or empty, He has filled me up. and you know what- when my children have constant needs, it is the perfect reminder of how my needs are met.
it was a very good reminder for me today. and i know that i have people praying for me and for patience for my kids, and today was a much better day.
and there will be hard days, but there will be far many better days.
and then- eternity. eternal paradise with the One who has given me everything.
i never truly understood keeping my eyes on Jesus, and eternity until now. and i really never want to stop.
i won't stop.
i may falter in my walk, but i will never again just stop.
because right now, He is my everything, what i need for every breath i take, my constant desire and need. and how, after living like this, and seeing how horrible life is with out Him, would i ever stop seeking Him?
that question doesn't need to be answered. i won't stop seeking Him.