interesting.

i meant to have this post yesterday, but something was wrong with blogger... or my internet... possibly both.

today has been good. not great by any means, but good. and i will happily take good as opposed to want to pull my hair out-send all my children to separate homes- and find a way to move to mexico. good is great.
so what made it good? did i have extra realms of patience hidden in a box? no, not necessarily. the things that usually annoyed me still annoyed me, however, my reaction to my children wasn't nearly as harsh (insert awful). was there no mess to clean? ha. i wish. but not really, re-organizing the school stuff and toys is something i enjoy. were there no fights? wrong again, there were plenty of arguments. did i get 3 hours of joyful bliss while everyone napped at the same time? nope, that would have been nice. i'd settle for 3 down at the same time, but today i just got 2. better than 0.
did i get hours of alone time this morning? try waking up to children stowing away in my bed. but sam had left before 6 and the coffee was made- not ready to brew- made.

so why was today good?
well. there was one thing different today than the days in the past week (ok, month).
i read my Bible this morning. and the day's passage from Jesus Calling by Sarah Young, a book i highly recommend.
so, was i met with amazing insight and hope and new understanding?
no. not really even a little.. the passage from Jesus' Calling was really great (they always are) and i read the first several chapters in Ephesians. but i didn't exactly walk away with anything profound.
but i just realized- i didn't need to. i have been really reluctant to turn to my Bible for any wisdom lately- because nothing really feels like it will be a solution- i mean, its not like i will turn to my Bible and suddenly, miraculously have better behaved children or even more patience. or its not like i will turn to my Bible and feel totally different.
i found today, that just even the act of turning to my Bible, of saying, "ok Lord, I might not know what good this will do, but i trust you".
Draw near to Him, and He will draw near to you.
that's all i did today, i took a few extra minutes out of morning, drew near to Him, and now that i reflect on my day, i realize, He drew near to me. and not that i profoundly felt it like angels singing from the heavens, but i know it.
and that is a start.

august.

i have decided that i do not like the month August. it is my husband's birthday, and i love him dearly, but i don't like this month.

in 2008 right around August sam and i were hit with the surprise of a 3rd baby, we found out his brother had cancer, and there was a really emotionally draining situation at his store.

in 2009 in August, we had a horrible batch of the flu. it affected all 3 kids and it lasted for an entire month- the month of August.

in 2010 i was planning on having a baby. well, that baby decided to come in September. also, i would say Sam and i were working through some marital things.

in 2011. well, i spent some time in washington (in july) and came home to Sam opening his new store. well, he's probably worked 250 hours this month. and the month isn't over. we are starting our homeschool year, and already i am changing my mind about EVERYTHING, i am really emotionally and mentally wiped, and pulled in many directions.

august just kind of blows.

so, how do i wrap up the rest of this month?

i know that i need to find some new direction- or at least refocus my direction. i know that i need a lot more of Jesus. a LOT more.

honestly, it is just so hard. everything else in life seems so immediate- i feel sad, so i have a bite of chocolate, solution. i feel stressed so i power walk on the elliptical, solution. i need to vent, i call a friend- solution (although, i never call anyone, i text or google chat- you know, our new version of communication).

but i know that i am missing what is the most important. i know that i am not finding any true joy. that i am lacking and losing things that really matter.

my problem- that i fail to be like Jesus. categorically fail so miserably every day. every second. and what does it say in the Bible (and i know it is there, but i am way to lazy at the moment to find the reference) draw near to God and He'll draw near to you.

isn't that what i need? so badly?

why can't i do that.

i need the fruits of the spirit, i need the Spirit, i need to be different. i need a month of the year to not be something i begin to dread, but instead try to see it how God can use it, and use me.

i think i need a lot of things.

i need a place to start.

any ideas would be greatly appreciated.

i return with a story

for those of you who don't know last week Sam opened a new drive thru Starbucks in our little town. Sam has been a manager for Starbucks for, gee, 9 years? yeah, 9 consecutive years (that's also how long we have been married- he worked for Starbucks in college, moved to Redding, quit, then worked at a little place called Coffee Creek- after we got married i told him to go back to Starbucks... ok, gently encouraged.) and he has been up managing the Starbucks in our town for about 4 years? i know he changed stores when i was pregnant... but i've been pregnant a lot.
anyways. the "old" store was pretty dirty. and small. really small for how busy they were. and it was constantly under criticism for just how dirty it was. a lot of it was out of Sam's control- some of it wasn't. it was really frustrating for him.
about a year ago (maybe more) Starbucks decided that it was going to move the "old"store and was going to put over 1 million smackeroo's into a brand new HUGE store.
well, this sort of talk had been going on for quite awhile. but, it was finally really happening. and Sam and i both assumed he would get the "new" store.
yeah. that was an assumption. this new store was held over Sam's head. he really had a lot to prove, a lot to clean, and had to work really, really hard. the thought of Sam not getting this store was really devastating to us both. he'd been with the company for so long, it would be really embarrassing- plus would he have to commute to a new store? would he be fired? would he quit?
a very long wait.
which is over. last week- last wednesday at 4, Sam opened the brand new Starbucks. drive-thru, huge, huge, huge lobby, fancy pancy leed certified store (that's something to do with all local recycled goods that made the store)
it has been very exciting. and a lot of stress, and a lot of work for Sam. since monday morning when the old store closed, Sam has been working about 14-16 hours every day. we haven't seen a lot of him.
single parenting is not a lot of fun.
anyways- i am really, really proud of him. for both his consistent perseverance to prove himself ready to be given the new store, and just how hard he is working to make this store a success. and success it is: every day since the store has been opened they have more than doubled the business they usually see. its been- crazy.
so, i wanted to get him a present. i'm not sure if i have mentioned on here before, but a couple of years ago my husband decided he wanted to be a mountain climber.
when we met he said he like to camp. that was it. occasionally ride a motorcycle (which he has never done since we were married) but camping. back packing maybe.
but mountain climbing.
ugh. i have tried to be supportive. but it takes a lot of time- away from the house, training... and the gear- oh my goodness, the gear he buys. and- its dangerous.
then he decided he wanted to kayak...
anyways. i wanted to get him a gift he could use and enjoy, um here. something that wouldn't take him out of the house (because we do have 4 kids) one that wasn't dangerous (because- um we have 4 kids) and also, with the new store he won't have a ton of free time.
well, about 5 years ago, Sam enjoyed very much playing a little game called Madden Football.
have you heard of it?
when we had it on our N64, i really loved playing it with him. then he got a playstation and got way better than me. way better.
i still really enjoyed watching it.
every year the new Madden (cause remember the NFL changes yearly) would come out conveniently during Sam's birthday week- which is right now!
well, a couple of years ago, our old play station broke. and we never fixed it.
and Sam's been living, Madden free.
so- i thought he would be so surprised if i replaced the Play Station (with a PS3) and then for his birthday his parents would get him Madden.
but.... where is the fun in that?
i kind of can't resist doing things a little um, different.
so i told Sam that i got him a gift. and he got really excited.
and i got very mischievous.
i decided it would be very fun to play a little joke on him. so, i told him that i was really nervous about the present that i got for him, that i wasn't sure if he would like it (he assured me he would, that anything from me is great) and i told him this:
well, its just a little something small, to show you how proud of you i am, its nothing i've ever gotten you before, and its something you can keep with you and see it and know how proud i am of you.
i then proceeded to go to amazon.com and find this:
ok- for those of you who don't know Sam, this is NOT his taste. really, really, not.
so, i printed a picture of this out, wrapped his PS3 and hid it.
he came home, and i sat him down, told him that i didn't have the gift with me- because his mom took it for me to help me out with it.
i hand him the picture:
Sam: oh.... it's a ring...
there's a very forced smile on his face.
me: yeah, well, you don't wear your wedding ring very often, and i've never got you anything like this before.
Sam: yeah, its really... nice... thanks...
at this point i got up and got his real present.
which he opened instantly, squealed, and then rocked back and forth:
"i just was thinking how am i going to only wear this thing in front of you and no one else? i was so scared".
and then he kept looking at the picture of the ring and laughing.
its currently hanging on our front door, and every time i look at it i laugh really, really hard.
the look on his face was just so priceless. unwilling to hurt my feelings, trying so hard to fake that he liked it.
he did a really good job.
sadly, the PS3 is still sitting where he opened it. he only gets one day off.... most likely this month. hopefully he will get a chance to mentally check out and enjoy it. he has to wait till the end of the month for Madden though.
ok, this story was really long. and honestly, when i tell it is WAY better.
so, come over and i'll tell you it.

Seasons.

today was a sunny day. and it got me thinking about seasons. not everyone gets to live in a place where all 4 seasons are experienced, i do. sure, some of the seasons don't last as long as the others, and this year winter felt un-seasonally long, and spring maybe lasted 2 days, but still, we get a glimpse at all of them.
and i had to wonder, when our Creator was creating this earth, was specific attention given to the length of seasons. all the seasons are roughly (supposed to be) the same amount of time. is that the length of time God knew we could handle it? is 3 months of winter just at the brink of "enough" for some people?
and then the easement of seasons. its not harsh colds and horrid heats, its a gently walking towards the extremes. we are cold, and then slowly it starts to warm, until its so warm that we slowly start to get cool before it gets to cold.
duh, that's the way the seasons work.
but we use the word "season" for so many things. and lately i have felt like i have been in many different seasons of my life, many seasons that i have been desperately crawling at the walls trying to get through.
and now, i have better reflection on it. seasons of life aren't meant to be every 3 months, and seasons of life sure as heck don't ease you into things ( i mean, i can't even think of one season of being a mother that has easily transitioned into a new "joy"). seasons are here, and there is a season for everything.
and, this season i am in, i will NEVER get to experience again. so i need to enjoy it. embrace it. live it. because way to soon the leaves will change and fall and it will be done. new seasons will replace this one, but it will not be the same.
my season.
i want to be in a season of daily exercise (at least 60 minutes) i am IN a season of hopeful exercise (i do better than most) and hoping calories shed while i breastfed and chase after my 2 year old, while listening to my 3 year old talk, and watching my 5 year old read.
i want to cook wonderful, healthy meals and small, decent desserts, i am IN a season where we eat pretty much the same thing every day, and i try to strive to eat as many fruits and veggies as i can, all the while having the same daily battle over "i'm hungry" when we jump down from the table after refusing to eat our food, and food getting thrown from table to floor.
and the occasional (ok, very occasional) doughnut binge.
i love doughnuts. and God help me, i'm praying they are in heaven.
i want to be in a season where i am crafty and creative every single day and productivity just shines from me, i am IN a season where my creativity stretches to imaginary elephant stories and hide and seek and the occasional coloring picture. the few moments where i truly feel creative i do not always have the opportunity to act on them. and then in the evening when i sit to nurse the baby before he goes to bed, all of my drive and motivation effectively washes away as he slowly falls to sleep.
that 7-8 pm nursing window the drains me, because i am tired, and it has been a long day and i don't want to use my brain anymore.
i want to be in a season where i would love to be more social and see my friends and have play dates all the time, i am IN a season where i have a job, and a job where i know the Lord wants me.
i want to be in a season where my home is always clean and laundry is always done, and milk cups aren't left in the sink over night, and bath towels are always immediately hung, i am IN a season where milk cups are lucky to make it into the sink instead of being found days later under a couch, and towels are tripped over and stepped over multiple times before they are picked up.
what it boils down to is this: i am tired. it is true. but i have to stop seeing the tired as the cause of all the things i CAN'T do. and instead see it as the effect (and i don't know if that should be affect or effect and i am to tired to care- or look it up) of what i AM doing.
i am in a season where my children come first.
when you start to embrace the truth of what you are living, like for instance boiling heat in July, then it doesn't make it easier, but you can understand it.
and don't feel sorry for me, because this season is important, invaluable, and yes- i am tired, and sure, i am not getting to do the things i want to yet-
yet. there will be a season for that.
so for now, i enjoy lounging on the couch at night when i am to tired to do anything else letting my favorite shows make me laugh, and i am quite content reading spurts of books on my iphone while i nurse my baby, and i am sure that someday my house will be clean (but really, if i clean those cups tonight they will be dirty again tomorrow- it will happen) and someday i will cook and exercise like a pro.
of course, i do realize that i will most likely never be in the season of being a supermodel. fine by me. i love doughnuts.
i am in a season where my precious children come first.

changes

i can hear one of my "thought was sleeping" children awakening downstairs, so this will have to be short.
today marks the beginning of something for me, although i was previously trying this before. today i fast for self-control. on the first of may i started a fast from sugar and flour. yesterday i stopped (for several reasons- none based on lack of self-control though) and today i begin again. when i had started i was so distracted that none of the reasons why i wanted this fast even seemed to matter.
background: i am most likely an over-eating stress eater, most of us could say that's true. but i also have this little genetic quirk (and trust me, its genetic) where i obsess about certain foods and will absolutely inhale them without ever giving it a second thought.
i need self-control. in so many different areas of my life. i need in my diet, and i desperately need it with my children. and i need it in how i use my time. i have fallen into a pattern that i really don't like.
a quick googling of the "fruits of the spirit" (and a harsh reminder to myself that i really must write these on my heart) tells me that self-control is a fruit of the spirit. one that i have let rot on the vine.
ok, to sum up (because that waking child is now really awake) this is what i am doing:
from today until june 5th:
*no sugar and no flour- except for fruit. i am eliminating it from my diet. why? because i tend to go on baking binges. and (and these may come as shocking information to you) but sugar is fairly addicting. i probably start eating sugar a little fast and faster with the more i an inhale it. and then i simply cannot stop. i mean really.
*no eating after 7. i mean, as much fun as it is to literally swallow a bite of something tasty and crawl into my bed, how completely unhealthy is that? plus, when i am sitting on the couch snacking all night long i am not doing anything else.
*no eating at the couch. food and tv go hand in hand, and i kind of need to end that relationship.
*no more eating out when i should be cooking. that doesn't mean going out (because i have some fun plans for next sunday that will involve being gone all day) but it means having the discipline to create a meal plan for my family (something i can do) and being self-controlled to stick with it.
* no more exercising if sam isn't here.
ok, that's a weird one given everything else i have thrown in. but this fast is about self-control. and i know that my obsession with food is only magnified more with my obsession for exercise, because i know that if i exercise i can eat more (which is slightly false logic) and i also get a little (understatement here) caught up on how my physical appearance is. and this fast isn't about losing weight. its about self-control. discipline. and i can turn into a pretty nasty mom really fast if i am exercising and the kids are misbehaving. and you know why? because when i am exercising they are alone to their own undoings.
but, i can fit it in when sam is around. and when the time comes (sob) when i won't have a nursing baby (who is sleeping through the night) then i won't wake up with a chest that can't fit comfortably into a sports bra and i will be able to exercise in the wee hours of the morning.
* to really pray when i eat.
i really do want to hand over these ugly aspects of myself.
yesterday was mother's day, and when i was enjoying sugar for the first time in a week i realized something, it did all taste a little different. and i didn't hit it as hard as i thought i would have (but i did snack all night long, ugh) so hopefully my heart is changing towards the way i let myself feel about food.
i do love food. and i am starting to believe my role in heaven might be doughnut maker. or baker.
i have 3 ladies who have being doing the no sugar/flour since may 1st. i think 2 of them are walking along with me till june 5th. and after june 5th, i have a strict plan set up for not crashing hard.
i also have a pretty list of 30 things to do.... better get started on that.

i am in a creativity stall zone. during christmas there was so much i was making, and so much i wanted to be making. and then i was done with gifts. and then somehow 4 some weeks passed and i haven't done anything outside of a little bit of embroidery and making some yo-yo's.
i feel like a chunk of my brain was removed, and i cannot find it. i had all these ideas of things i was going to be making, my christmas/birthday present list for others was all but complete in my brain.
and now? absolutely forgotten. and the worst part is that it kind of physically hurts my head right now. because i know the information is in there, and i just can't get it out.
i would really like to be spending a little bit of time crafting, but it is just taking so much time to figure out where to start, what to do....
and every time i flip through one of my many sewing books it usually calls for a type of fabric- ok, corduroy (which i love) and i never have that, and i just can't justify buying anymore fabric.
and there are gifts i could be making, but i kind of just want to make something for myself....
how bad is that?
i hope to free of this crafty brain block soon enough. for now, i think i will grab some scraps and make some yo-yo's. not sure what for, but something i guess.
if i mentioned an idea to you, please remind me.
thanks.

new years resolutions.

i have purposely not mentioned my new years resolutions. and why? it was inspired by a truly silly reason but one that later made sense to me. i received a fortune from a cookie awhile back and it said something to this affect:

speak less of your plans and they will be accomplished.

and it just resonated with me. instead of taking all the time to name off all the things i hope to do, i should just spend the time doing them. not that new years resolutions listed off are a bad thing, but i think i would rather mention them as they are accomplished.
or when they are stupidly messed up.
i had wanted to follow a "take a picture every day" kind of thing, and 16 days in and i have already missed. i unexpectedly stayed later at sam's parents yesterday than planned, and i completely forgot until about 5 am this morning that i hadn't taken a picture.
i'm a little bummed. okay, a lot bummed. but there might be a chance that sam took a picture sometime yesterday. if not, i may be asking around for a picture.
it would be a long post, but perhaps i will put up some of the pictures every month, and then link the rest to a flickr account? the picture at the top, my 1-4-11 picture. be prepared, most of these pictures will be of my kids. or food. or random things in my house that make me happy.
i don't get out a lot. and getting our more, is not one of my resolutions.
there are more resolutions. and more that i continue to make up and add. when they are accomplished, i will let you know.
as for now, my computer is running painfully slow (i have about a zillion to many pictures on it) and tomorrow i've got a gal coming to watch the kids while i learn how to defend myself. and to help her defend herself against the kids, i should at least attempt to have it clean in here.
right?