2 weeks.

well, its been "officially" 2 weeks since my last was forever changed.
but i would say that today it really changed. today, in midst the pain of my heart, the struggles with questions that just keep popping into my mind (why didn't i press harder when i found that mixed cd C made for sam back in august? i mean, she put Dashboard Confessional's you have stolen my heart on it.... you don't do that for your boss.... stupid mary.... or did she think that sam and i weren't being intimate? did she think that he was all hers?) sorry. some of my questions are personal and revealing, but what's the point of hiding back the chaos of my brain?
so i struggled a bit today. but i also had a moment of strength- deleting sam's emails instead of reading them. all of sam's words right now been nothing more than complete trash to me, and listening or reading of his words just really make an already difficult situation more difficult.
that was my morning-to mid morning.
a friend in a similar situation listened to a sermon today, and encouraged me to do the same. i downloaded it onto my phone, grabbed my journal and Bible and headed off to starbucks. i had been warned that it was good.
i had no idea that it would profoundly change my life, my perspective, my thought process, and completely solidify my trust in the Lord.
i bet you want to listen. well, let me tell you this. its so incredibly powerful. i would recommend everyone that i know listen to it.
go to:
http://www.resolved.org/media/
and you want to click on this:
the Believer's Right Response to Difficulty by Rick Holland.
i will definitely be listening to again.
and now for myself, and for you- i'm going to share the notes i took while listening to it. there were a couple of times i laughed out loud getting a couple of stares from neighboring coffee drinkers.
and then, for the last 25 minutes of the 50 minute sermon i pretty much balled like a baby.
the sermon is on Lamentations 3.
i really hope you click on it and listen to it.
these are the key things i picked up:

~God is sovereign over people.
~ When sin is involved He uses it for His glory and for the benefit of those afflicted by their sinful choices.
~God is sovereign over every circumstance.
~Psalm 135:6 Whatever the Lord pleases He does.
~God’s in control of everything not a little, but a lot.
~God is serious about our response.
~Complaining is serious.
~Why do we have trouble trusting God? If He gets His will I am afraid I will not get mine.
~That’s why we complain- man’s dislike of God’s sovereignty arises from the suspicion of God’s heart. Am i suspicious of God’s heart?
~God’s sovereignty is either your greatest comfort or your biggest nightmare.
~Your peace of mind is dependent on your ability to take the thoughts of God, the thoughts of Jesus, the thoughts of the cross, the hub of heaven, and put those thoughts between you and what’s causing you anxiety- that’s the key to living a peaceful life.

i found oceans of peace in this. oceans of answers. the kick in the butt that i needed to completely focus my gaze to the Lord. i'm probably going to write all this out (well, its written in my journal, but it needs to be everywhere that i can see)
i have my greatest comfort in knowing that God is control. whatever that means for me: WHATEVER. and i will fully trust the Lord. I will no longer be afraid that if He gets His Will, that i won't get mine. because He has only the best in mind for me. i need to put all my thoughts and heart into the Lord.
i'm counting on God.
please let me know if you listen to the sermon.