from my heart.

oh my. my heart is absolutely desperate for the Lord. absolutely.
1 John 3:1 How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children on God! And that is what we are! The reason the world does not know us is that it did not know him.
LAVISHED. oh my goodness. that could be the word of the day. because that is just how i feel.
a Hillsong song says, "the cry of my heart is to know you more". i'm there. fully, completely, every single aspect of myself. to the point where i do feel like i could weep openly with my love for the Lord. because do you know what- He loves me SO much.
and He loves everyone like this. however, as i am drawing near to Him, He has not left me empty- He draws near to me. And there is constant dance going on inside my heart.
how can someone truly be this happy?
i have been staying up very late, and lately getting up very early. and i'm not tired. not in the traditional idea. He has totally revived my soul.
last night i was blessed-so blessed- to spend time with my dear friends matt and kris larson. matt and kris were at my side in 2010- the second time i had come to sam with 2 others from our church with suspicion. matt also came with me 3 weeks ago to confront sam about his affair with C. sam lied to our faces, and it was matt and kris's support in telling me that he thought sam was lying that helped me survive the days that followed.
but this isn't a post about that.
this is a post about feeling so blessed by the Lord. and realizing that i knew awhile ago what the Lord was doing.
so, yesterday i spent the day with my dear friend kris, we listened to a wonderful message, talked about the Lord, shopped, and processed the last few weeks of my life. we met with matt at 4 and had dinner, continuing to process the same.
this was my first real dinner out with friends as a third wheel. it was weird. but not really. i guess i realize now just how absent sam was from the normalcy of my life, that it wasn't like anything had changed. plus, the food was awesome, and my beer was nice.
and to be uplifted and supported by other believers is a truly wonderful thing.
it was bittersweet to say goodbye to my friends. i don't know when i will see them again, but i know i will hear from them, and i know they are praying.
i left portland at 5 in the morning, with a little more than 3 hours of sleep. and i spent 3 glorious hours driving and listening to worship music. thank you hillsong united. thank you darkness of the sky so no one could see just how loud and dorky i was singing. thank you iphone for not dialing anyone and not giving anyone a private concert to my worship.
having those 3 hours of time where i did NOTHING but pray to my Savior, and sing my heart out to Him.
it was wonderful.
my Jesus high has really only one drawback- i want to be in the WORD all the time. my four children have a few more needs that this calls for.
i was driving to meet my sweet friend Jill, i love this girl. LOVE this girl. she and her husband matt, and sam and i all lived in the same apartment complex when we were first married. she and matt are crushed by what sam did, they feel deceived, they feel bad they didn't see it.
its ok. he is a good liar.
jill and i processed together, as we got pedicures. spa pedicures. my first one. the gal doing jill's had gone through a similar situation as i had 10 years ago. it was quite therapeutic. it was quite amazing to sit and praise the Lord during the horrible situation and gain confidence in what i am going to do. the choice i am making.
also- pedicures ROCK. that was my first one ever. thank you Jill. my orange toes are happy. my spirit is relaxed. and then i got to spend the rest of morning/afternoon shopping with this sweet girl. and she and i haven't done that in nearly 8 years.
how AWESOME is God? to have friends waiting for me here? friends ready to reconnect and love and support me?
back to my drive. during those 3 hours of praise and worship and pouring out my heart to the Lord, i found peace in His truth.
and i remembered something.
several years ago death started surrounding me. a woman who was close to all of my friends (but not me) was tragically killed. a little after that another woman who was close to many of my friends died from cancer. and then my sweet brother-in-law died. and i had told a couple of people- i think the Lord is preparing me for death. i really believed that. and i was scared. i didn't know what was going to happen, but i thought, i have been around so much death that hasn't necessarily affected me in a rip my soul out kind of way. i felt it lingering, but i felt strong- because the Lord had put me in the lives of all these people who were suffering loss, and i could be there for them. i now realized that the Lord was using me.
and i now know that i was right- the Lord was preparing me. the unrest in my soul about death was the Lord slowly getting me ready-
for the death of my marriage.
and for a brief moment i thought it was going to take all of me with it.
and then- the Lord. there He was. there HE WAS. His arms out wide, and i picture myself racing towards Him and jumping into His magnificent loving arms, burying my head in His chest and then pulling back and laughing. He turned my wailing into dancing. He is ALL that i need.
but He is giving me even more. He is guiding me through this. He is providing me love, comfort, and truth. He is showing me more light than i could ever imagine.
And He has given me complete peace that washes over every aspect of my body, it swells in my heart and makes me draw closer to Him. i find myself praying and praising Him everywhere. i feel like my face could break sometimes when i smile. i want to talk about Him all the time.
and if i ever let myself slip away from Him again... well i CAN'T. He is my everything. He is my portion. His compassions are new every day. He LOVES me.
and i know who He is, and what He wants for me.
"and in this moment we have chosen praise, and its changing how we live now"
understatement of the year.
i am so ready for this year. bring it on LORD! you can have it all- my burdens, my worries, my anxiety- not carrying that anymore- You have it, i'm dwelling in your peace and love. "You've got this" that's my new catch phrase for 2012.
i started my 20's with Sam.
i starting my 30's with my Lord and Savior.
3 hours of praise and worship that gave me confidence and peace.
and this piece of scripture that solidified it:
Proverbs 4:25-27
Let your eyes look straight ahead,
fix your gaze directly before you.
Make level paths for your feet and take only ways that are firm,
Do not swerve to the right or the left,
keep your foot from evil.

thank you my Lord, thank you Savior, for peace. i trust You completely. with EVERYTHING. and You know everything.
you are Sovereign.