another day

its almost 9 pm, and i'm tired. i've been up since a little after 5 (or ok, a little before 6- but who really looks at the clock when it is that dark outside?) and i have been on my feet pretty much non stop working on training my children and their behavior. that is hard. on top of the normal cooking, cleaning, talking, and home-schooling.
and then, i sit at the end of the night and wonder, "what did i get done today?", which is what feels the most discouraging, when at the end of the day and my house isn't the way that i would want it. and the things that i would want to do, just don't get done.
that's frustrating- right?
well, i can't do a lot about that right now. except to try and remember what i did do.
and remember, even if i only did small things, i really enjoyed them.
like, making a birthday cake for Jesus.










what will i do tomorrow?

today

i need to remember today. how the air was cool and perfect, chilly but not cold. How my children were excited just to be out spending the day with me, running and playing happily.
i need to remember the noises Wilder made while worn on my back, how he cooed and sighed happily, sounding a little snuffly, but in a sweet and quiet way. how he laid his head against my back, trying to sleep. how wearing him through the mine made me happy and content. and then when he was off my back and in my arms, how my tired baby nestled into my chest and was calm and restful.

i need to remember how Henry chased after sound he heard. how he was searching for an echo.... whatever that was. how he pointed his finger and loudly announced “this way”. how when Sam and Mason and Campbell, but special boy led me down a different path (how this boy has led me on a different path indeed), how he and i (and wilder on my back) went off the path, how he was fearless in his search for noises and water. how when he started to get tired he sat on the floor of dirt and looked up at us stubbornly.

i need to remember my sweet Mason running to Henry’s side, insisting he could do it, and that she could be his partner. how Mason took in the beauty around her and was searching and hoping to glimpse a deer (we didn’t), how she found sticks and rocks and pinecones, determined to find something for the “collection” she brags about.
I need to remember my boy Campbell, older and asking questions about everything. and not just simple “why” but thorough questions, looking for an answer. how he tired of the walk,but rallied for the rest of us and continued on his way. how he climbed over rocks and logs and listened to every word that Sam had to say.

i need to remember how Sam took pride and love in showing his children the difference in trees and pine cones, how he was able to quiet them with a “listen” and they would all strain to hear what their dad had to say or what their dad was hearing.
i need to remember this day.
i turned 30 today.