Tuesday, January 31, 2012
it was awesome. truly joyful. just complete trust in Him. the Words of the Bible fed me, the counsel of others, the smiles of my children.
it was wonderful.
i am not sure it is normal for someone to be this happy in the Lord after something so terrible has happened. but i AM! He is a faithful God, a Sovereign God, and He is everything we need. and you know what- He provides, He is faithful, and when i find myself empty or tired or hungry, i can turn to Him.
its crazy just how joyful i felt during the fast. Closer to the Lord just through one little thing that i gave up. okay, so its a bigger thing, i do have a fond affection for food.
i might just fast donuts forever.
wait. no. don't hold me to that. donuts are good.
the fast. i am thankful for His loving kindness and His protection.
and i am thankful for where i am, through waiting- for food, for the next step, waiting on the Lord for whatever He may have, i have the opportunity to grow closer to Him, and let Him shape into the daughter of Christ that He wants me to be.
seriously?? how many people get such an awesome opportunity?
i am so thankful for the road i am on. the road that leads me closer to Jesus than i ever could have expected.
on a side note. i felt very pretty today.
and, i've now had two people who have talked to me say this, "what was he thinking messing with you?"...
well, you can't understand sin. so i'm not going to. i'm simply to spend my life loving the Lord, letting Him fill me up- because He seriously- SERIOUSLY- gives you everything you need.
its just weird.
i'm going to share the lyrics, i have found solace in this short (its very short) little song, as i think about my Lord and Savior, when i read them, and when i listen to it sung.
I am not my own, for I have been made new
Please don't let me go I desperately need You
I am not my own, for I have been made new
Please don't let me go I desperately need You
i can't stop listening to surely, goodness and mercy. it is SUCH a promise. a promise that i need to constantly be remembering- forever and forever with the Lord.
i'm still loving my Bible reading plan. God's providence. be told about this reading plan, being fed the Word at just the right time. He is SO FAITHFUL.
51) watching little wilder chase after my brother's dog, he kept laughing so hard, each time campbell threw the stick for brusier, every one burst out laughing.
52) well, everyone but the little miss, she pouted outside the whole time, but i am thankful for her pouting, as it is a perfect picture to me of how i need to be content in all situations.
53) i'm again (and always) thankful for the Word of God, and how you can look it at one day and think- hey, where did that verse come from??? and be renewed.
54) i'm thankful for my mom, for being so self-less with her time, giving me ample time to seek the Lord without being interrupted.
55) i'm thankful for my sister's growing belly and the little beautiful baby that is coming very soon.
56) i'm thankful for owl city. and words that are sung for Jesus.
57) i'm thankful for a mirror of truth- i can't always read what my verses say, but i know that truth is right there.
58) i'm thankful that grace is all i need.
59) i am thankful for the Grace that has been given.
60) i'm thankful for the keys of my piano, and how i can find my Savior there, and how it subdues my children to hear me play.
and then the attempt to rip me from my Father's arms happened.
i was told today that i need to tell my blog readers that Sam "is a committed husband who is fighting for his family, while i am not".
so consider yourself told.
he also told me that "if I (me) have forgiven him, I absolve my right to use his sin against him in a manipulative way, that Jesus forgives as far as the east is from the west, and that i cannot throw his old sin back in his face".
you can guess that it did feel awesome to hear all of that. and as i sit here trying to see my keyboard, squinting through contacts that are so blurry from hours (no exaggeration) of crying today- in fact crying in a coffee shop (no more starbucks for me) so much that someone approached me. when asked if i was ok, i simply said, 'i just really need to trust that Jesus has me' and the man said, "He is all you will ever need."
as i left the coffee shop i realized it was a Jesus lovin' coffee shop. i will be back. it was wonderful, pleasant, and a fairly good americano.
tonight i went to a support group, i don't really think it is a fit for me. i've found that talking to key people in my life offer me a lot of support. spending an hour sobbing on the phone with my dear friend Kecia, was more support than i can probably get in many places.
but as i was driving to support group i was singing just as loud as i could. surely, goodness, and mercy. its my current yelling out song. and the key isn't to high for my voice. and i sat in the van, texting a friend, saying that only in the dark, while i'm driving can i sing loud the songs that bring me close to Jesus.
then i walked into support group, and the worship band sang 3 songs that i have been listening to every night.
Jesus is freaking amazing.
being able to praise and worship, loudly, was wonderful.
and then as i came home tonight, and read the Word of God outloud, tears falling down my face, I am reminded that His Grace is all that i need.
He's got me.
It's my new slogan.
if you are wondering what you can pray for me- here you go:
~ to be kind in my actions and words when i speak with Sam. he is very confused- thinking that forgiveness means restoration of our marriage. divorce is a sad thing, and God doesn't like it, in fact He only gives a reason for divorce in 2 areas- and you know what the Lord HATES adultery. HATES ADULTERY. i will stand before the Lord for my decision. with my arms open wide. i have the choice. and i am taking it. not to be mean. not to be cruel. not to get vindication. but because the Lord is there, able to take me in His arms, and insure that i will never be in darkness again, and that, He will love me endlessly, and never hurt me, never commit adultery to me, and will love me forever. i rest in Him. i trust in Him. i Love Him.
~ tomorrow i am purposely seeking the Lord- in everything i do. more so than i do on a normal day, but tomorrow is special. if you can pray that i seek the Lord with all my heart, all my soul, mind, everything.
i am doing good. as long as i keep my eyes on Jesus. the problem is i think i need to keep my hands over my ears and my eyes on Jesus. He lifts me up so high. He has carried me to safety.
this was my passage for today, i openly wept as i read it. and continued to weep as i continued to read it. i will mediate on it tonight, and tomorrow.
O Lord, do not rebuke me in your anger or discipline me in your wrath. Be merciful to me, Lord, for I am faint; O Lord, heal me, for my bones are in agony. My soul is in anguish, How long, O Lord, how long? Turn, O Lord, and deliver me; save me because of your unfailing love. No one remembers you when he is dead. Who praises you from the grave? I am worn out from groaning; all night long I flood my bed with weeping and drench my couch with tears. My eyes grow weak with sorrow, they fail because of all my foes. Away from me, all you who do evil, for the Lord has heard my weeping. The Lord has heard my cry for mercy, the Lord accepts my prayer. All my enemies will be ashamed and dismayed; they will turn back in sudden disgrace.
oh, my evening was wonderful. just the middle part of my day was hard. but once i got my eyes back on the Lord, and back in my Father's arms, all was good.
He loves me.
He's got me.
Monday, January 30, 2012
You prepare a table before me
In the presence of my enemies
You anoint my head with oil
And my cup it overflows
With love, peace and joy
With love, peace and joy
Surely goodness and mercy
Will follow me
All the days of my life
All the days of my life
And I will dwell
In the house of the Lord
Forever, forever, forever
Forever, forever, forever
You prepare a table before me
In the presence of my enemies
You anoint my head with oil
And my cup it overflows
With love, peace and joy
With love, peace and joy
Surely goodness and mercy
Will follow me
All the days of my life
All the days of my life
And I will dwell
In the house of the Lord
Forever, forever, forever
Forever, forever, forever
Surely goodness and mercy
Will follow me
All the days of my life
All the days of my life
And I will dwell
In the house of the Lord
Forever, forever, forever
Forever, forever, forever
Sunday, January 29, 2012
it feels good to be lifted high in Jesus's arms, not gonna lie. in fact, its probably a good chance you won't ever hear me lie.
i have so much gratitude in knowing that i can trust in the Lord.
i guess that's all i really had to say tonight.
i'm really just enjoying basking in the light of truth. let me tell you- living in darkness, uh sucks. big time.
can i just say that the Lord is doing so much in my life that it is just wild? and any time that i start to slow down a little on my path with Him and look a little to the left or the right and get distracted, or concerned- i just remember- hey wait a sec, where is my gaze supposed to be? see that smiling Savior ahead of me who wants to grip my hand? that's where.
not that its easy. nothing is easy. but i can honestly say, that holding on to the love of Christ is what gets your through anything. pain is real. sorrow is real. hurt is real.
however, Christ's love seriously can and will overpower all of that. ALL of that. and all i really have to do is completely surrender all that i have to Him and ask Him to take it. and He will. He really will. and i am so thankful for that. because i am not worthy of any of what Christ is doing.
but He loves me.
and my heart. it dips and soars like being on a roller coaster.
how truly awesome is Our God?
and i wept and wept. for who He is, and for everything He has done for me. and as I sat sobbing, rocking, worshiping, i was reminded of who He is, and as i cling to the cross and His feet and just pour out my heart, i know how thankful i am.
from pour out my heart:
every cry You are listening, no matter the state my heart is in, You are faithful to answer, with Words that are true and a hope that is real, as i feel, Your touch, you bring You us freedom to all that's within, in the SAFETY OF THIS PLACE,
i'm longing to:
pour out my heart , and say that i am love you, pour out my heart, say that i need You, pour out my heart, say that I'm THANKFUL, pour out my heart, say that your wonderful.
oh Lord, you are wonderful. i am thankful.
the first time ever in my 30 years of living did i read a verse that caused me to just weep. this is what He has done for me. 2 1/2 weeks ago, at the cross, with His blood, forever and ever.
37) i am thankful for a church where my hungry spirit is fed, and for the faithfulness and love of other believers.
38) i am thankful to my parents, for helping me with my children, and giving me the time to be fed and be found again in Christ. He never left me, and i will never leave Him again.
39) i am thankful for the song surely goodness and mercy: surely goodness and mercy will follow me, all the days of my life, all the days of my life, and i will dwell in the house of the Lord, forever, forever, forever Amen.
40) i am thankful that He has prepared a table before me in the presence of my enemies.
41) i am thankful for a 3 am chat with my best friend Serena.
42) i am thankful that i was LIFTED to safety, and that i was given protection, that the Lord grips my heart and through His loving kindness and through His WORD that is true today, yesterday and FOREVER that He provides me with the ability to find, seek and see truth.
43) i am thankful for 4 beautiful children that are my greatest blessing, my calling is to serve the Lord, and He has given me 4 beautiful children that every minute bring me to my knees reminding how desperately i NEED my Savior.
44) i am thankful for a son, who during worship this morning gently started rubbing my hair and my back. i am thankful for all the comforts my Lord gives me.
45) i am thankful that the Lord has provided another place for my children to learn more about Him- direction towards another AWANA program.
46) i am thankful for the cross, and that His death has bought the price for my soul, and that i get to spend all eternity dancing and singing (finally being able to do those things with perfect love and no worry of hitting the right notes) and praising my Lord.
so if you are looking for me in Eternity, i'll be in front row, praising my God.
48) i am thankful that "because of the Lord's great love I am not consumed, for his compassions never fail."
49) i am thankful that i can fall at the feet of Jesus and that He picks me up and carries me.
50) i am thankful for a LOVE that never fails.
Saturday, January 28, 2012
during my drive hillsong united sung to my soul. and revived my sleep deprived state.
i am super spoiled, i don't always have to wait long for the Lord.
example: monday night, "Lord, Sam is lying to me, i know it, i need you, reveal the truth"
tuesday night: truth revealed. thanks Jesus.
friday night: you never know, the Lord can use a song, His word, Biblical counsel- you might suddenly hear something and just know what you are to do.
saturday morning: done and done.
i'm soooooo spoiled. in ways i just can't even explain.
i want to share with you the song that really impacted my life today. its called Second Chance, by Hillsong United. i'm going to comment in italics beneath each line, to share how it resonated with me.
Reached out Your hand
Restored my life
And I was redeemed
The moment You entered my life
redeemed... i reached out for the Lord when i needed truth about Sam, real truth. i Called out to Him and He heard me. I was redeemed in that moment. He entered my life again. He saved me from the darkness of sin.
Christ gave that day
what amazing grace that Christ gave me that night.
My life was changed
um, yes, my life has forever changed. my love for my Savior is more important to me than anything. anything.
When from my shoulders
Fell the weight of my sin
oh the sin. the sin of not walking with the Lord. the sin of living in darkness. i have described the moment of finding the picture of Sam and C as Jesus washing relief over my body.
So it's with everything I am
i am nothing. i am unworthy of His great love.
I reach out for Your hand
i take His hand. i take it.
The hope for change
He has changed me.
The second chance I've gained
i have been given a second chance. a new day. a new life. a chance to turn my life to the Lord and serve Him- to be OUT of the darkness and basking in the light of my Savior.
On You I throw my life
it is your Lord.
Casting all my fears aside
you are Sovereign over everything.
How could greater love than this
Ever possibly exist
how is there greater love? i am seeing daily what you are doing in my life, how could anyone love me more than You? my greatest love will be You.
Consume my thoughts
As I rest in You
Lord, my thoughts are Yours. even when they linger away- i bring them right back to You- You are who i seek.
I'm now in love
With a Saviour
Bearing the marks of His love
oh Lord, my heart could burst or break with the love i have for You.
So I'll wait upon You now
oh Lord. how you teach me patience. how you teach me patience. i wait upon You. I wait.
With my hands released to You
Lord, my hands are Yours.
Where a little faith's enough
To see mountains lift and move
Lord, You are there, in everything.
And I'll wait upon You now
i'm waiting Lord. i'm waiting.
Dedicated to Your will
Lord, my life is Yours.
To this love that will remain
A love that never fails
Lord, Your love NEVER fails me. and it surprises me more and more everyday.
i am unworthy of the love He gives me.
so i will give all the glory to Him.
1 John 3:1 How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children on God! And that is what we are! The reason the world does not know us is that it did not know him.
LAVISHED. oh my goodness. that could be the word of the day. because that is just how i feel.
a Hillsong song says, "the cry of my heart is to know you more". i'm there. fully, completely, every single aspect of myself. to the point where i do feel like i could weep openly with my love for the Lord. because do you know what- He loves me SO much.
and He loves everyone like this. however, as i am drawing near to Him, He has not left me empty- He draws near to me. And there is constant dance going on inside my heart.
how can someone truly be this happy?
i have been staying up very late, and lately getting up very early. and i'm not tired. not in the traditional idea. He has totally revived my soul.
last night i was blessed-so blessed- to spend time with my dear friends matt and kris larson. matt and kris were at my side in 2010- the second time i had come to sam with 2 others from our church with suspicion. matt also came with me 3 weeks ago to confront sam about his affair with C. sam lied to our faces, and it was matt and kris's support in telling me that he thought sam was lying that helped me survive the days that followed.
but this isn't a post about that.
this is a post about feeling so blessed by the Lord. and realizing that i knew awhile ago what the Lord was doing.
so, yesterday i spent the day with my dear friend kris, we listened to a wonderful message, talked about the Lord, shopped, and processed the last few weeks of my life. we met with matt at 4 and had dinner, continuing to process the same.
this was my first real dinner out with friends as a third wheel. it was weird. but not really. i guess i realize now just how absent sam was from the normalcy of my life, that it wasn't like anything had changed. plus, the food was awesome, and my beer was nice.
and to be uplifted and supported by other believers is a truly wonderful thing.
it was bittersweet to say goodbye to my friends. i don't know when i will see them again, but i know i will hear from them, and i know they are praying.
i left portland at 5 in the morning, with a little more than 3 hours of sleep. and i spent 3 glorious hours driving and listening to worship music. thank you hillsong united. thank you darkness of the sky so no one could see just how loud and dorky i was singing. thank you iphone for not dialing anyone and not giving anyone a private concert to my worship.
having those 3 hours of time where i did NOTHING but pray to my Savior, and sing my heart out to Him.
it was wonderful.
my Jesus high has really only one drawback- i want to be in the WORD all the time. my four children have a few more needs that this calls for.
i was driving to meet my sweet friend Jill, i love this girl. LOVE this girl. she and her husband matt, and sam and i all lived in the same apartment complex when we were first married. she and matt are crushed by what sam did, they feel deceived, they feel bad they didn't see it.
its ok. he is a good liar.
jill and i processed together, as we got pedicures. spa pedicures. my first one. the gal doing jill's had gone through a similar situation as i had 10 years ago. it was quite therapeutic. it was quite amazing to sit and praise the Lord during the horrible situation and gain confidence in what i am going to do. the choice i am making.
also- pedicures ROCK. that was my first one ever. thank you Jill. my orange toes are happy. my spirit is relaxed. and then i got to spend the rest of morning/afternoon shopping with this sweet girl. and she and i haven't done that in nearly 8 years.
how AWESOME is God? to have friends waiting for me here? friends ready to reconnect and love and support me?
back to my drive. during those 3 hours of praise and worship and pouring out my heart to the Lord, i found peace in His truth.
and i remembered something.
several years ago death started surrounding me. a woman who was close to all of my friends (but not me) was tragically killed. a little after that another woman who was close to many of my friends died from cancer. and then my sweet brother-in-law died. and i had told a couple of people- i think the Lord is preparing me for death. i really believed that. and i was scared. i didn't know what was going to happen, but i thought, i have been around so much death that hasn't necessarily affected me in a rip my soul out kind of way. i felt it lingering, but i felt strong- because the Lord had put me in the lives of all these people who were suffering loss, and i could be there for them. i now realized that the Lord was using me.
and i now know that i was right- the Lord was preparing me. the unrest in my soul about death was the Lord slowly getting me ready-
for the death of my marriage.
and for a brief moment i thought it was going to take all of me with it.
and then- the Lord. there He was. there HE WAS. His arms out wide, and i picture myself racing towards Him and jumping into His magnificent loving arms, burying my head in His chest and then pulling back and laughing. He turned my wailing into dancing. He is ALL that i need.
but He is giving me even more. He is guiding me through this. He is providing me love, comfort, and truth. He is showing me more light than i could ever imagine.
And He has given me complete peace that washes over every aspect of my body, it swells in my heart and makes me draw closer to Him. i find myself praying and praising Him everywhere. i feel like my face could break sometimes when i smile. i want to talk about Him all the time.
and if i ever let myself slip away from Him again... well i CAN'T. He is my everything. He is my portion. His compassions are new every day. He LOVES me.
and i know who He is, and what He wants for me.
"and in this moment we have chosen praise, and its changing how we live now"
understatement of the year.
i am so ready for this year. bring it on LORD! you can have it all- my burdens, my worries, my anxiety- not carrying that anymore- You have it, i'm dwelling in your peace and love. "You've got this" that's my new catch phrase for 2012.
i started my 20's with Sam.
i starting my 30's with my Lord and Savior.
3 hours of praise and worship that gave me confidence and peace.
and this piece of scripture that solidified it:
Let your eyes look straight ahead,
fix your gaze directly before you.
Make level paths for your feet and take only ways that are firm,
Do not swerve to the right or the left,
keep your foot from evil.
thank you my Lord, thank you Savior, for peace. i trust You completely. with EVERYTHING. and You know everything.
you are Sovereign.
Friday, January 27, 2012
no one can tell me what to do. i can only seek the Lord's guidance and wisdom. i can only seek the Lord, desperately, desperately.
i am clay, and i will allow myself to be molded. and i know that he has a very specific design for me. i am offering suggestions to Him, and i know and trust that He is designing me absolutely perfect for Him.
oh my Lord, you know my heart right now. in this very moment, beating so wildly in my chest. oh,how He loves us blaring loudly in my ears, my focus on You and what You are doing. everything is in Your control, and i FEAR NOT.
i fear not Lord. but i cling to You, i trust You, You have my best interest in mind, You have the best for me, You have found a way to pull me closer to You than i could ever imagine, and Lord the ultimate lesson of patience i am being taught right now.
i am waiting Lord. i am waiting for Your guidance.
Lord- speak to me through Your word, Lord, grant me peace in my decisions. Lord, take me to the place You have for me, Lord use me to serve You and bring glory to You.
this is not about me any longer, this is about You. Lord my love for YOU burns so violently inside my chest that i almost feel in pain, and honestly the horrible memories that try and burst into my mind are so quickly extinguished because how can anything last in there when my fire for You is so strong.
my God, my Savior, my Father, You know the desires of my heart, You know my obedience to be faithful to You. Lord, i ask you to give me wisdom and guidance. Lord, lead me down the path You have for me.
Lord give me the strength to make the decisions that need to be made.
Lord, am i being drawn closer to You in such a powerful way to be sent back, or to be sent forward? Lord, i pray that You give me peace, that You please give me Your peace.
and Lord, where my heart continues to come back to is this: i can only trust in truth. and everything else is a lie.
Lord, in Your perfect timing you took me out of the most chaotic living disaster and You never let me hit rock bottom, You granted me peace and love and mercy and through Your amazing Sovereignty You are teaching more and more of the woman i need to be- for You, for my children.
You are using me.
Lord, i will faithfully serve You no matter what you ask of me, and You know what i want.
so Lord, guide me.
Psalm 2:11 serve the Lord with fear and rejoice with trembling.
Proverbs 16:3 Commit to the Lord whatever you do and your plans will succeed.
Proverbs 16: 9 In his heart the a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps.
Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Lamentations 3: 22-26
because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassion's never fail, They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, "the Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him." The Lord is good those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord.
oh Lord, my God, my Savior. find me in my deepest spot and tell me Your truth, close my ears to all the lies, and show me Your face. for when i seek You, i will find You, when i draw near to You, You will draw near to me.
My Lord. please. let me be but a humble servant who has obedience and trust in her Savior.
Thursday, January 26, 2012
and i am just so psyched at how my life is going to be from this moment on.
trust and obey.
be strong and courageous.
29) i am thankful for the Truth found in God's Word. and that when i have questions, i can turn to Him- i can draw near to Him through the loving Words of the Bible.
30) i am thankful for God's sovereignty. i am thankful that I am NOT in control. He's got a better way for this, than i ever could.
31) i am thankful that He never dropped me once during this, never.
32) the confidence and complete awe i have in the perfect timing that is the Lord's timing. everything- everything in my life led me right to where i am right now, for His Glory.
33) i am thankful for all the comfort the Lord is giving me, in every way He provides it.
34) i am thankful for coffee. which i need to go and get.
35) i am thankful for dear friends, for encouragement all the way from my dear friend Vera, in Florida.
36) i am thankful for four little people that want to give my hugs every couple of minutes.
off to find coffee, and to talk to 4 little people, and to be constantly seeking the Lord.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
but i would say that today it really changed. today, in midst the pain of my heart, the struggles with questions that just keep popping into my mind (why didn't i press harder when i found that mixed cd C made for sam back in august? i mean, she put Dashboard Confessional's you have stolen my heart on it.... you don't do that for your boss.... stupid mary.... or did she think that sam and i weren't being intimate? did she think that he was all hers?) sorry. some of my questions are personal and revealing, but what's the point of hiding back the chaos of my brain?
so i struggled a bit today. but i also had a moment of strength- deleting sam's emails instead of reading them. all of sam's words right now been nothing more than complete trash to me, and listening or reading of his words just really make an already difficult situation more difficult.
that was my morning-to mid morning.
a friend in a similar situation listened to a sermon today, and encouraged me to do the same. i downloaded it onto my phone, grabbed my journal and Bible and headed off to starbucks. i had been warned that it was good.
i had no idea that it would profoundly change my life, my perspective, my thought process, and completely solidify my trust in the Lord.
i bet you want to listen. well, let me tell you this. its so incredibly powerful. i would recommend everyone that i know listen to it.
and you want to click on this:
the Believer's Right Response to Difficulty by Rick Holland.
i will definitely be listening to again.
and now for myself, and for you- i'm going to share the notes i took while listening to it. there were a couple of times i laughed out loud getting a couple of stares from neighboring coffee drinkers.
and then, for the last 25 minutes of the 50 minute sermon i pretty much balled like a baby.
the sermon is on Lamentations 3.
i really hope you click on it and listen to it.
these are the key things i picked up:
~God is sovereign over people.
~ When sin is involved He uses it for His glory and for the benefit of those afflicted by their sinful choices.
~God is sovereign over every circumstance.
~Psalm 135:6 Whatever the Lord pleases He does.
~God’s in control of everything not a little, but a lot.
~God is serious about our response.
~Complaining is serious.
~Why do we have trouble trusting God? If He gets His will I am afraid I will not get mine.
~That’s why we complain- man’s dislike of God’s sovereignty arises from the suspicion of God’s heart. Am i suspicious of God’s heart?
~God’s sovereignty is either your greatest comfort or your biggest nightmare.
~Your peace of mind is dependent on your ability to take the thoughts of God, the thoughts of Jesus, the thoughts of the cross, the hub of heaven, and put those thoughts between you and what’s causing you anxiety- that’s the key to living a peaceful life.
i found oceans of peace in this. oceans of answers. the kick in the butt that i needed to completely focus my gaze to the Lord. i'm probably going to write all this out (well, its written in my journal, but it needs to be everywhere that i can see)
i have my greatest comfort in knowing that God is control. whatever that means for me: WHATEVER. and i will fully trust the Lord. I will no longer be afraid that if He gets His Will, that i won't get mine. because He has only the best in mind for me. i need to put all my thoughts and heart into the Lord.
i'm counting on God.
please let me know if you listen to the sermon.
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
2 weeks. well, technically 2 weeks at about 1 am.
2 weeks ago tonight i was desperately asking sam to quit his job, i was begging him to see his cell phone bill, i was asking him to cancel his phone, i was asking him if he was willing to do anything i needed for me to be able to trust him.
and he said no.
i had strong suspicions that he was having an affair with C from his store. and he was insisting on his innocence and telling me that the problems we had with trust were that i was obsessive about who he called and text and i didn't trust him.
things get more and more clear to me as the days go by.
i remember crying harder that night than i had ever cried (until that point) and i didn't even know the truth. but i felt so incredibly desperate. i felt trapped. stuck in a marriage with a man who i knew was lying to me (to the extent i wouldn't learn until later) and knowing that i couldn't leave and get a divorce without proof.
i was sobbing. sam thought that i was sobbing about him, and feeling bad about our relationship.
i was sobbing- desperate for the Lord, i was begging the Lord to help me. to rescue me. to show me the truth. to show me His face.
and about 4 hours later He did, in the most life altering way.
i am not sure how much detail i have gotten into. everything happened in the Lord's time.
the night before (monday) i had woken up at 3 am, and had snuck downstairs and gotten sam's phone. there was no evidence other than phone calls to C (which i knew weren't "proof" since they worked together) i had tried to get on his computer, but the battery was almost dead, so i left it alone.
had i kept digging in his backpack i would have found a framed picture of sam and his girlfriend (a present from her to him) but i didn't. and i keep wondering why.
if i had found a framed picture that night, i wouldn't have woken up tuesday morning and gone seeking for my dear friend Kecia. she had guided me through many problems i had had in the past, always providing me with the Word of God. not her opinion, not her thoughts, but just her love and her comfort and the Word.
i sent her a text (i hadn't spoken to her in 2 years) and she dropped everything, opened her home to me and my children and i spent 6 hours with her, in the Word.
without returning to that friendship i wouldn't be where i am right now. completely supported and uplifted in the Word, reminded constantly of the truth, and surrounded by such strong Biblical Counsel.
everything in the Lord's time.
because the Lord did reveal the darkness of sam's heart.
tuesday night/wednesday morning i awoke again, checked his phone- nothing. grabbed his computer, nothing in the history. and i closed it. and it was the Lord, the Lord's gentle but strong nudge to open that computer one more time and to look in the finder.
and what did i find. the truth. horrible, ugly, vivid truth that stared right back at me.
and the relief that fled through my body was unbelievable. because at that moment i knew the Lord had answered my prayers, had heard my desperate plea, my sobs, and had delivered me out of the darkness and into the light.
thinking back to that night makes me very sad. thinking about many things that involve sam right now make me very sad.
however, i have a lot to be thankful for.
17) plugging into a women's Bible study today, having the lesson today be on Proverbs 16, i just love sobbing like a baby in front of a group of women that i just don't know.
but when you read words like these:
1 To man belong the plans of the heart,
but from the LORD comes the reply of the tongue.
2 All a man’s ways seem innocent to him,
but motives are weighed by the LORD.
3 Commit to the LORD whatever you do,
and your plans will succeed.
4 The LORD works out everything for his own ends—
even the wicked for a day of disaster.
5 The LORD detests all the proud of heart.
Be sure of this: They will not go unpunished.
6 Through love and faithfulness sin is atoned for;
through the fear of the LORD a man avoids evil.
7 When a man’s ways are pleasing to the LORD,
he makes even his enemies live at peace with him.
8 Better a little with righteousness
than much gain with injustice.
9 In his heart a man plans his course,
but the LORD determines his steps.
17 The highway of the upright avoids evil;
he who guards his way guards his life.
18 Pride goes before destruction,
a haughty spirit before a fall.
19 Better to be lowly in spirit and among the oppressed
than to share plunder with the proud.
20 Whoever gives heed to instruction prospers,
and blessed is he who trusts in the LORD.
21 The wise in heart are called discerning,
and pleasant words promote instruction.
32 Better a patient man than a warrior,
a man who controls his temper than one who takes a city.
its hard not not feel anything but encouraged, and loved, and reassured that you are right where the Lord wants you to be.
18) my family, everyone has pretty much dropped everything to support me and take care of my kids. and even now, when i am feeling a little better, they want me to be able to take care of myself. it is amazing to have such consistent help and support with my children as i find out where the Lord wants me. and what the Lord wants for me.
19) Confidence in the Word of God. it will never fail me. And its Words never change.
20) Pizza. and the slow return of my appetite. which also mean the quick return to exercise.
21) the massage i got from my good friend Cortney yesterday. 1 hour of relaxation.
22) Kristine and Adam Platner. Kristine is making sure that i am not isolated or alone. And Adam selflessly came to my aid tonight trying to fix the windshield wipers on my car.
23) my "family" out in Weimar. the support and love i am getting to do what is God's Will is just insane. to have people that i can completely trust, and who honestly want what the Lord has for me is so wonderful. i feel like i can slowly start thinking straight.
24) watching Wilder eat pizza. it was pretty funny.
25) late nights and great encouragement and support.
26) realizing that i probably have a very good chance of getting on the Amazing Race now... i mean, in all seriousness- can't you just see me at the mat with Phil discussing my "new life"? who's with me? seriously. i need a partner.
27) for children who always want to hug me.
28) complete and total trust in the Lord, and knowing that He holds me in His Hands and He loves me so very much, and will never leave or forsake me.
more to come.
i have commitments to do today, so i will be back, later.
but you can know this:
everything is in God's hands. Christ didn't shy away from anything that was before Him. He who created the world is holding me in His hands and all He wants is my eyes, my gaze, my trust, my love, and all He wants to give me is more love than I can imagine.
Monday, January 23, 2012
i have a current "get psyched mix" of music that i listen too. its more of a get psyched for Jesus mix. its always having truth playing in my ears. and i am not embarrassed to admit that i am a huge dork, and that it is currently 3 songs that i listen to over and over again. and sometimes i watch the songs live on youtube because there is something so refreshing to my soul about seeing worship music performed live for the Lord, seeing that passion and thirst for the Lord, creates more of it in me.
my 3 songs:
desperation band's counting on God
desperation band's i'm coming Your way (listening to right now)
jesus culture's how He loves us (which, i am not connecting how that was part of my gift my handmade holiday party.... how God prepares the path for us)
i listen to these songs before i fall asleep at night, letting myself focus on the Lord, trying so desperately to keep captive my thoughts at night, when things much more unpleasant try and seep in.
i listen to these songs often before i let my feet hit the floor in the morning.
i listen to these songs when i blog, when i study scripture. and sometimes when i journal.
i listen to these songs after i think about or talk to sam.
and i don't think it is strange that i am continually playing 3 songs. i am not limiting myself. i think about how to write the Word of the Lord those passages had to be recited and recited, seriously written upon the hearts of man. NOT that these songs are the word of God... but they definitely speak the truths of who God is, and how much He loves us.
that is just a little look into what i do right now.
i am becoming more and more aware how present the Lord is in my life, and how much i now see Him in EVERYTHING. which is how it is supposed to be.
if you know me in my day to day life, you know that i have a baby. and if you know him you would know that if this boy sees me everything- and i mean EVERYTHING- else in the world fades away and he is instantly grabbing onto my legs, begging, screaming, desperate for me to hold him, to be safely in my arms.
and it is challenging, because he is very demanding and constant. i mean, if i leave the room he is so upset.
and last night it hit me straight to my heart- this is EXACTLY how the we are meant to be towards Jesus. Jesus wants us to come to him with the same passion that wilder has when he sees me. Jesus wants us clinging to His legs, desperate to be up in HIS arms. Jesus wants our world to not make sense if we are not looking at Him. Jesus wants our desire to be constantly with Him.
i am so blessed to be able to know see this practical example every single time i see my boy. my beautiful son who brings me joy.
if you know me in real life, you would know that i am a bit of a exercise video junkie. and i was very disciplined. shamefully more disciplined in my exercise than in my daily seeking of the Lord. and i can only ask the Lord for forgiveness and then turn from that idol and seek Him. not that i am going to give up exercise, but that my first thought when i get out of bed isn't- when will i exercise- my first thought is, how often can i seek the Lord. which, is VERY challenging- because i have 4 children, who need me. and my desire right now is very torn, because i honestly want to be in worship and in my Bible, and i have been giving myself a lot of time for that, and today, i am trying to balance more of that, with my children.
today, i did an exercise video. a short 20 minute one. one of my more "easy" ones. and, the lack of properly feeding my body for the last, wow, its almost been 13 days.... (well, honestly my suspicions for sam started 3 weeks ago today, and i was very sick, and didn't each much from that point on) and the lack of consistency in exercise left me gasping for air (or sucking wind as the workout girls say) and barely being able to make it through the exercises- which is very unlike where i was just a month ago.
and it made me think of my walk with the Lord. how i had let myself become so weak in it. how i didn't properly feed my walk with Lord, how i didn't stay strong in it, able to handle more difficult "moves" when they came my way. and how it is IMPERATIVE that we do not grow stagnant in our walk with HIM. how just as our body can become used to a specific exercise and it will no longer be effective, so will we be if we do not actively exercise and increase our walk in Him. and how weak we can immediately get when we walk away from our routine, our consistency in Him.
we need Him daily, we need Him more than daily. we need Him from moment to moment.
be blessed today my friends. seek the Lord in all that you do, if you haven't clung to Him the way a baby clings to his mama, then cling to Him right now, if you haven't been ready to fall on your face in exhaustion- fall on your face.
Love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your strength. Deuteronomy 6:5
Sunday, January 22, 2012
the precious gift of those 4 beautiful children.
Your weakness makes HIM stronger.
You will be mature and complete not lacking anything
you are serving the Lord through this terrible time by turning your eyes to Him
and showing glory to Him.
The pain is real.
HIS love is great enough.
HE won't give you more than you can handle.
He will carry you.
And know I am praying.
so lets start that.
1) the pouring rain and howling wind that i am hearing outside my window pane. it reminds me how present God is, how even though He is not seen with our mere eyes, His awesome power is always available to be witnessed.
2) spending time hearing God's Word and letting it be convicting to me- not looking simply for the judgement of others.
3) video chatting with wonderful people.
4) laughing with my boys
5) talking with my dad
6) lunch with a wonderful God loving family: the Platners.
7) feeling excepted and welcomed in a new church body.
8) forever being reminded of God's promises and love.
9) having great friends make me laugh.
10) debating my future as a ninja.
11) watching Wilder mimic Henry and turn himself around and around in circles.
12) warmth and power.
13) freedom in knowing that God knows my hearts, my desires, and that I am seeking Him.
14) truly praying today for another, in a way I haven't prayed before.
15) Serena Longacre. i love this woman so very, very much. if you need an example, i'd read about David and Jonathan's love for each other.
16) watching Henry put a wooden watermelon on a plate for me, then after it touched the plate he would remove it and then bring me the empty plate that in his mind had watermelon on it since the watermelon had touched it. he did this over and over again.
i guess that is a good place to start.
i pretty quickly and drastically closed my facebook account a few days ago. i loved the support i was getting. loved it. but i was spending to much time looking at the faces of the women sam had sex with. too much time messaging anyone else that i thought he had sex with. messaging people for answers. drawing myself further and further into his horrible web of lies.
so i pulled the plug. i allowed Jesus to carry me out of that horrible place (it was a horrible place for me) and i am so happy to be free of it. the joy i received even after a day of not having to see things. unspeakable joy.
so no, i didn't unfriend you. i didn't have a nervous breakdown. i am choosing to share my story here, in a place that for awhile i was afraid to share with anyone who knew me.
but today, the Lord gave me a very literal example.
i drove myself to church today, sat through a convicting message on the sins of both the brothers in the prodigal son. sat through baby dedication and watched the happy marriages. felt the Lord pull on my heart as i realized how much i need HIM. and how i can't expect every message i hear to make me feel more vengeance for sam, but instead show me my ultimate need for MY Savior.
and then i was blessed to be invited to lunch with kris and adam platner and their beautiful children. so i got in my van and followed them. and it started to rain. hard. not terribly hard, but it is washington. and my windshield wipers don't work. and as i drove in my van, not getting frustrated at my situation with the faulty wipers, but instead was praying, asking the Lord to make my wipers work. i kept praying that. and then i stopped.
because i realized i didn't need my wipers to work. i needed the Lord to get me to my destination safely. and that even though in my mind fixing my wipers or even asking the Lord to stop the rain would be the "best" way to eliminate my fear- just praying for Him who loves me to guide me and carry safely to my destination. and as i slowly followed adam as he led the way to the restaurant and we got on the freeway where cars went faster and my vision was more blurred, i realized that i could still see. it wasn't perfect by any means, and it wasn't the best- but you know what- i was safe, the Lord had His Hand on me, and i arrived where i needed to go. He gave me what i needed to make it to where i needed to go. and the funny thing was that i could see clearly out my back window. no rain, and the wipers worked there. i could clearly see where i had been. but i needed the Lord to continue to move forward to where He was taking me.
and, this is EXACTLY what HE is doing right now in my life. this is NOT how i want my life to be. i think that "fixing my wipers" or "stopping the rain" would be very simple solutions to my current problem. i mean, logically, it makes sense to me.
but- the Lord wants me to trust solely in Him, that even though the path ahead i cannot see (as i could barely see in front of me in the van) that if i kept my eyes focused on Him (like i had to stay focused on adam's car) that i WILL get to where i am going, and that HE will keep me safe, and HE will be by side. i will survive.
2 Corinthians 12:9-10 But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness," Therefore i will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest in me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight.
Saturday, January 21, 2012
last night i was not gently rebuked by a close friend of mine. being yelled out about forgiving sam less than 2 weeks after he broke my heart, our marriage, our life, and being told that if i don't forgive him i will go to hell. awesome.
but- what i do know as truth are 2 things.
1) my friend does care about me.
2) no one can truly understand how this feels UNLESS they are going through it, or have experienced it. but from the people i have talked to, i find the most comfort in those who are going through it, currently. misery loves company.
so. i found myself compelled to study forgiveness today.
do not repay anyone evil for evil. be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. if it is possible, as far as it depends of you, live at peace with everyone. do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written, "it is mine to avenge; i will repay," says the Lord.
~~ okay i have to interrupt Romans here and side note to
1 thessalonians 4:3-8 it is God's will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid SEXUAL IMMORALITY (come on sam did you freaking never open your bible?); that each of you should learn to CONTROL his own body in a way that is holy and honorable. not in passionate lust like the heathen, who do not know God (and sam claims to know God) and that in this matter no one should wrong his brother or take advantage of him. the Lord will PUNISH men for all such sins (can i get a woo-hoo!sorry i get kind of mad with injustice), as we have already told you and warned you. For God did not call us to be impure, but to live a holy life. Therefore, he who REJECTS this instruction does not REJECT man but God, who gives you his Holy Spirit.
i also want interject here- that my confidence in Sam's relationship with the Holy Spirit is pretty wobbly.
and- when it talks above about controlling his own body- remember what it says in 1 Corinthians 7: 3-5 The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife (NOT TO RANDOM STARBUCKS SKANKS) and likewise the wife to her husband (fyi, i didn't fulfill my marital duty to anyone else) The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the SAME WAY, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourself to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
before i go back to Romans, i want to say this- i never deprived Sam. but on the contrary, i was constantly deprived. and that kind of sucks. especially when i learn later that he was giving his body to others.
ok, i will try and not be so hostile in the rest of this post. i got a little off tangent.
Romans 12-20-21 On the contrary; if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. in doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.
do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.
okay, so i do need to reign in the anger a bit. because there have been moments of pure rage that i could have killed. seriously. sleep deprivation and anger. not a good combination.
more verses on forgiveness:
2 Chronicles 7:14 says that God will forgive, if you humble yourself, pray, seek His face, and turn from your wicked ways.
Ephesians 4:32 Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.
and then the meat of forgiveness- what my friend was alluding to-
Matthew 6:14-15 For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.
and in 1 John 2-6: He is the atoning sacrifice for our sins, and not only for ours but also for the sins of the whole world. We know that we have come to know him if we obey his commands (this can apply to both me and sam- sam shouldn't have had sex with other woman, i have to obey the command of forgiveness), the man who says, "I know him," but does not do what he commands is a liar, and the truth is not in him. But if anyone obeys his word, God's love is truly made complete in him. This is how we know we are in him: whoever claims to live in him must walk as Jesus did.
obeying His commands. so what does this mean?
i am called to forgive- forgiveness does not erase the memories in my mind or the pain in my heart. forgiveness does not mean reconciliation. Adultery. the just-cause for divorce. right?
what is the will of God? the question me and my friend talk about all the time. is divorce the will of God (i know that i am jumping from forgiveness to divorce- you are reading by choice)? i know it is allowed by God, and that i have a choice.
this isn't a 'we don't get along' or 'we aren't in love', this is the most despicable betrayal imaginable. and as it says in Proverbs 7:
with persuasive words she led him astray; she seduced him with her smooth talk. all at once he followed her like an ox going to the slaughter, like a deer stepping into a noose till an arrow pierces his liver, like a bird darting into a snare, little knowing it will COST HIM HIS LIFE. Now then, my sons, listen to me; pay attention to what i say, do not let your heart turn to her ways or stray into her paths. many are the victims she has brought down; her slain are a might throng. her house is a highway to the GRAVE, leading down to the chambers of death.
if i had a nickel for every time i directed sam to the proverbs in regard to starbucks woman... well, i'd be a wealthy woman. his ears were so closed to any truth.
i believe my marriage is dead. for me, my marriage that was: died. instant, horrific, painful death.
Forgiveness is not a release of emotions.
the stages of grief are still there. yes, i can forgive the person who murdered my marriage, however, my pain does not go away. the stages of grief are real. my anger is righteous: my footnote in my Bible for john 2:15-16 says, "it is right to be angry about injustice and sin" and wowza, this is injustice and sin big time.
however, some of my anger has been repaying evil for evil, and that is wrong.
but, there is a reason to be angry- this is the ultimate betrayal. sam's body belonged to me. we shared a covenant. and not only did he break that covennt with not so much as a second thought- because God gave him EVERY OPPORTUNITY to not sin- he still did. and he didn't even consider my safety. he didn't care or respect me. i have a reason to be angry.
but no, i don't have a reason to not forgive.
so i have to forgive. i "get" to forgive. big sigh. biiiiiiiig sigh.
so. divorce. i spent some serious time in the word about this too. because it is ALL i think about.
because to put it bluntly, i do NOT want this man.
sam has been trying to quote Malachi 2:16 at me: "i hate divorce" says the Lord God of Israel.
sure, sam, sure. now you want to quote the Bible? where was all of that when sexual immorality was being read?? huh?
so, i read a little deeper into Malachi. again- not a theologian.
God's hate for divorce in Malachi 2:16 has to be looked at also in the above verses- 13-16
Another thing you do: you flood the Lord's altar with tears. You weep and wail because he no longer pays attention to your offerings or accepts them with pleasure from your hands. You ask, "Why?" It is because the Lord is acting as the witness between you and the wife of your youth, because you have BROKEN faith with her, though she is YOUR partner, the wife of your marriage covenant. Has not the Lord made them one? In flesh and spirit they are his. And why one? Because he was seeking godly offspring. So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith with the wife of your youth. "I hate divorce" says the Lord God of Israel, "and I hate a man's covering himself with violence as well as with his garment," says the Lord Almighty. So guard yourself in your spirit, and do break faith.
God is discussing how you have broken faith with the wife of your youth- the wife of your marriage covenant. He was offering this as a WARNING. "I hate divorce" (which is what often happens after adultery) so remain faithful, guard yourself in spirit and DO not break faith. You cannot use this now as an argument to keep me trapped in a marriage- not when the Lord was using this as a warning- it is BECAUSE the Lord hates divorce that He instructs us to remain faithful to our marriage covenant! Sexual immorality. a truly horrific unreal pain.
now. it would terribly one-sided of me to stop my post here.
because i did study what Jesus has to say about divorce. yes, you can get divorce when there is adultery. it is permitted. and then i read my stupid footnotes. and in the footnotes it says that if their is true repentance, that i am supposed to make every effort to forgive, reconcile, and restore the relationship, because ultimately that is what God wants.
i do not want to have to think about restoration. that makes me completely sick and disgusted. i don't want to have to imagine being forced into remaining married to a man who could be such a terrific liar and manipulator. i can't even fathom ever sharing intimacy with him and all of this honestly leaves me at such a horrendous crossroads in my heart. because i feel like their are only two ways for me to get what i want (divorce from sam)
1) that my heart remains hard.
2) that sam never becomes truly repentant, never chooses his savior, never seeks the Lord, and winds up in the pit of hell.
neither of these options appeal to me.
i am going to interject right now and say: it SUCKS to be me. is my life now meant to watch every move Sam makes searching for true repentance? will i make myself crazy?
or do i turn my eyes to the Lord, and let God handle this situation?
duh. i "know" what i am supposed to do. but fist can i whine and complain like a child?
i DON'T WANT TO! i don't want to give that man the satisfaction of thinking he can cheat, lie, and betray and have me back? no way! i don't want to be with a man who had sex with other woman, who without a second thought lies and steals and brings trash into my bed.
i don't want to.
i kind of sound like jonah. and i really don't want to end up in the belly of a whale.
what does God want? i can honestly say without a shadow of a doubt, that God wants to heal marriage. that the Lord's ultimate will is for marriage to be a sacred covenant.
i listened to a sermon on sexual immorality today because APPARENTLY i am a glutton for punishment. these are my random notes from it, from 1 Thessalonians 4, and from the teaching of Allan Olender:
God's will= our sanctification, the way of living that means being set apart. it's about my heart. if i get my heart right everything else will be right. am i willing to do whatever God's will is?
Augustine said= love God with all your heart, do whatever you want. God's will is not complicated: justification than sanctification, becoming more and more like Jesus Christ.
so. huge sigh again. i sigh a lot.
all of this to say, "i'm out" and i'm tapping Jesus in to my place (can't you see Him just standing at the sidelines, all stretched, padded up and ready to go?) clearly this needs to be man on man coverage, and i am not the "man" for the job.
Trust in the Lord, and lean not on your own understanding. because i don't understand this and i do not know what God is going to do. but i'm putting it in His hands and i am going to draw near to the Lord.
and thoroughly study repentance.
like a ninja.
after talking my dear friend we talked about "reconciliation" and my internal conflict. and she reminded me that i over and over tried to reconcile with sam, and he NEVER would confess his sins.
- i came to him when he was texting and calling a girl from a starbucks for 2 1/2 years. no true repentance.
- i came to him with others from the church when he was texting another girl from starbucks for a year, including exchanging 4000 texts in one month and telling the girl he loved her.
- i came to him when i found pornography, and he never stopped finding it.
- and finally, i came to him when i thought he was having an affair with the girl from his store, i came to him with another believer. and still, he lied to my face.
so. do i have justification- why do i have to stay around NOW? after i gave him countless attempts, after i begged him for restoration in our marriage.
it's to late for my situation, i mean- way to late. sam could have listened to this many many years ago, like 10, before we were even married. it doesn't matter for us now. because the damage has been done.
i will blog more about us. but listen to this. with your spouse. with your friends. with your study.
go to this site:
and its the 1/15 sermon- God's Will is Easy to Know.
Please. listen to it.
And know that i am.
with not just regret, but with hope for my own future.
so dependent on power. and yet, here i am so powerless.
i am desperately trying to control everything. i am quite foolish. its like i am trying to trap water and using a colander to do it: that doesn't work.
i can not remember where this image comes to mind, but i see this woman being restrained by someone as she frantically tries to break free to tackle someone else. i know its a comedy, and when you watch it you are supposed to laugh at how crazy this women is-
and that is how i feel. with my anger. and it SUCKS.
this morning i woke up and thoughts were racing through my head.
~oh no, that horrible smell is ME. (i can't remember when i showered last)
and, my mind was latched onto Sam and girl that he was involved with for 9 months. i kept thinking about their relationship, all that he bought for her (using our money to buy her Levi's car.... can someone please get me that money back???) all the places he took her, how he cared about her, all of the adultery.
and then thinking about all the things i wished i had done differently. if i had INSISTED he not go on his 3 day "hiking" trip he wouldn't have taken her to disneyland, and seriously broken my heart with that.
but. 1 Corinthians 4:5
therefore judge nothing before the appointed time; wait till the Lord comes. He will bring to light what is hidden in darkness and will expose the motives of men's hearts.
THAT is what i must cling to.
it is what i should write on my hand for the day, and post everywhere i can see it (and thanks to a wonderful stocking from my bff i have the cutest sticky notes ever)
this all laid out the way the Lord had intended it.
i mean, Sam had a choice. CLEARLY. and he chose a path that leads to death. and he chose it over and over again. he chose to go off the path of the Lord. but in the end- our Lord does everything He can to get us back to Him, where He wants us.
my friend has told me that i am on the path to forgiveness. another friend seriously rebuked me for not forgiving Sam and that i will be going to hell if i don't forgive him.
i was reminded that the Lord knows my heart. and honestly if i were to forgive Sam today, i would be coming back to the Lord every 5 seconds for forgiveness for anger and hate and bitterness.
i think today i will spend some time studying forgiveness. because i know the Lord knows my heart. and i am in a time of total grief right now. and the stages of grief are all over the place. and the final stage: acceptance- perhaps we can call that forgiveness.
but back to this morning- as i sat cringing in the smell that is myself, thinking about the horrible wrongs done to me, and continuing to ask myself WHY? and mind you- i never really ask Why did God do this to me- because i know that answer. But i keep asking myself, why and how Sam could keep lying to me over and over again.
and this is what washes over me: because its sin. sin that was so deep and so deadly and so purely evil and ugly that there was no sense in it, not conviction, no remorse, no light, no nothing.
and it doesn't matter why or how- because it was just sin.
things that are really troubling to me right now (also known as things you can pray for me about)
~ i am really mad that Sam has suddenly found the road to righteousness and wants to serve our Lord and be saved.
i know, i know, i probably sound like a crazy person for saying that- but honestly, i feel very much like a crazy person.
but REALLY? after 10 years- you NOW, when our lives are torn apart, when we have lost everything, when you have spit on our love and our marriage- NOW you want to be right with the Lord???
1 Corinthians 4:5.
~ i am really mad that no one has kicked the crap out of Sam. come on people. PLEASE. my one request.
~ i continue to struggle with not making it my personal job to bring Sam as much pain as humanely possible.
~ i struggle with remaining still and waiting.
right now, i can only cling to the truths that i know.
that God knows my heart, that God wants me close to Him, that He wants to bear my burdens. That He loves me, and He will not leave me alone in this situation.
okay. more to come throughout the day. processing, processing, processing.
i need to eat, haven't done that yet today. i need to read my Bible.
and i REALLY need to not smell like this..
Friday, January 20, 2012
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
in which i go searching for serious truth; alternatively titled: someone should tell my husband to subscribe to my blog.
fyi- i am not a theologian. wipe that shocked expression off your face, because it is true. yes, yes, i attended a christian college, and i did take Hebrew, but no, not a theologian. just a struggling sinner like everyone else, desperately searching God's Word now that i have nothing to do, but desperately search and cling for Him. and in doing so, i am finding that i really wish i had never once let my eyes falter from His face. this post is going to be crazy long, and go all over the post. so if you want the cliff notes here you go: my husband is a fool. a sinning fool.
ok, read on if you want.
1 Peter 4: 17-18 For it is time for judgment to begin with the family of God; and if it begins with us, what will the outcome be for those who do not obey the gospel of God, And, "if it is hard for the righteous to be saved, what will become of the ungodly and the sinner".
basically, i am really grasping for truth right now. and let me stop anyone who wants to tell me God is speaking to them. i've talked to God, He's going show me His voice. everyone else can hand me His voice through His Word. thank you.
so- grasping for truth. 1 Peter 4:17-18- can Sam be redeemed? i mean, he claimed to all of us that he was a believer of Christ, that Christ lived in Him, but he did not obey the gospel of God.
so what is his outcome?
i know, i am super premature in wondering all of these things- but these are the thoughts of my heart (and you are reading by choice).
the scriptural truth that leaves my brain a pondering:
(second fyi- i am going to be referencing the little notes in my life application bible, Jesus- i am not plagiarizing.)
1 John 3: 1-10
How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! The reason the world does not know us is that it did not know him. Dear friends, now we are children of God and what we will be has not yet been made known (that's the truth!) But we know that when he appears, we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is. Everyone who has this hope in him purifies himself, just as he is pure. Everyone who sins breaks the law (that's applicable to all of us) in fact, sin is lawlessness. But you know that he appeared so that he might take away our sins (if Starbucks people are reading- he is Jesus) And in him is no sin. No one who lives in him keeps on sinning. No one who continues to sin has either seen him or known him.
**ok- yikes. Sam claimed to live in Him. but he continued to sin. and i mean-- continued. i had no idea. there was no guilt, no remorse, nothing. and that's scary for me to admit. for at least 4 years (God only knows) i had no idea the truths of the man that i shared my life with.
so how did he continue to sin? and what does this mean?
back to the verse- 7- Dear children, do not let anyone lead you astray, He who does what is right is righteous, just as he is righteous. He who does what is sinful is of the devil because the devil has been sinning from the beginning.
The reason the Son of God appeared was to destroy the devil's work. No one who is born of God will continue to sin, because God's seed remains in him; he cannot go on sinning, because, he has been born of God. This is how we know who the children of God are and who the children of the devil are; Anyone who does NOT do what is right is not a child of God; nor is anyone who does not love his brother.
from the notes:
there is a difference between committing a sin and continuing to sin. Even the most faithful believers sometimes commit sins, but they not cherish a particular sin and choose to commit it. A believer who commits sin repents, confesses, and finds forgiveness. A person who continues to sin, by contrast, is not sorry for what he or she is doing. Thus this person never confesses and never receives forgiveness. Such a person in in opposition to God, no matter what religious claims he or she makes.
"no one who is born of God will continue to sin" means that true believers do not make a practice of sinning, nor do they become indifferent to God's moral law. All believers still sin, but they are working to gain victory over sin. "God's seed remains in him" means that true believers do not make a practice of sinning because God's new life has been born into them.
okay that is a LOT to process. especially for this broken woman who is desperately searching for answers.
Sam definitely continued to sin. with zero remorse. he just kept doing it and NEVER did anything to stop it. nothing. not switch jobs, not get an accountability partner, not.. um... tell me.
and, i am struggling with his "repentance" mainly because he was caught. he didn't come to me and confess his sins. he didn't even come to God and confess his sins. true believers DO NOT make a practice of sinning. nor do they become indifferent to God's moral law.
Sam was practicing sin. Sam was indifferent to God's moral law.
is he not a true believer?
and if so, is he not capable of redemption?
i want to interject here- i am super hoping that he is. i'm just saying what i have been reading- the truth from the Bible. this is not a witch hunt of verses against him. this is a desperate searching for the truth- and there is only one place i can go.
1 Corinthians 4: 5
Therefore judge nothing before the appointed time; wait till the Lord comes. He will bring to LIGHT what is hidden in darkness and will expose the motives of men's hearts.
ok, so if that isn't the verse of MY LIFE. i have been super struggling with the timeline of events. WHY did i not see more? How could i have been so blind? Why didn't i do this?
nothing before the appointed time. wait till the Lord comes. this all came about EXACTLY how the Lord intended it to. THAT alone should help me sleep well at night. this was all how the Lord intended it. He brought to light what was hidden in the darkness, and exposed the motives of my husband's heart.
Romans 8:5-8 Those who live according to the sinful nature have their minds set on what that nature desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires. The mind of the sinful man is death, but the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace; the sinful mind is hostile to God, It does not submit to God's law, nor can it do so. Those controlled by the sinful nature cannot please God.
Sam had a pure sinful nature. i think i can state that confidently- he had his mind on what nature desired.
Romans: 1: 28-32 Furthermore, since they did not think it worthwhile to retain the knowledge of God, he gave them over to a depraved mind, to do what is ought not to be done, They have become filled with every kind of wickedness, evil, greed, and depravity. They are full of envy, murder, strife, deceit and malice. They are gossips, slanderers, God-haters, insolent, arrogant and boastful; they invent ways of doing evil; they disobey their parents; they are senseless, faithless, heartless, ruthless. Although they KNOW God's righteous decree that those who do such things deserve death, they not only continue to do these very things but also approve of those who practice them.
i feel like i am a little at a loss. for one reason- when i search the Bible for truth, i find people who came and confessed. and yeah, that didn't happen. Sam was caught. and slowly the truth as started to come out of him. but confessed? that didn't really happen. not really.
Luke 7:47 says "Therefore, i tell you, her many sins have been forgiven- for she loved much. But he who has been forgiven little loves little"- those there are the words Jesus spoke.
when i searched the handy little study facts at the bottom, this is what it said:
Overflowing love is a natural response to forgiveness and the appropriate confequence of faith. But only those who realize the depth of their sin can appreciate the complete forgiveness God offers them.
has Sam realized the depth of his sin? i mean really- when we look above in the verses i have already shared- it looks to me that Sam was in so much sin that the Spirit of God did NOT reside in him.
Luke 12:10 again Jesus speaking "And everyone who speaks a word against the Son of Man will be forgiven, but anyone who blasphemes against the Holy Spirit will not be forgiven.
NOT be forgiven? Blasphemes... again i check the footnotes:
Thus it is the deliberate and ongoing rejection of the Holy Spirit's work and even of God himself. A person who has committed this sin has shut himself or herself off from God so thoroughly that he or she is unaware of any sin at all. A person who fears having committed it shows, by his or her very concern, that he or she has not sinned in this way.
ok- definite deliberate and ongoing rejection. definitely shut off from God. and definitely so deep in sin that i don't even know if he was aware that he was sinning. i mean zero remorse nothing. and i mean- i wasn't a complete fool- his behavior was always off.
1 Kings 8:39 then hear from heaven, your dwelling place. Forgive and act; deal with each man according to all the does, since you know his heart (for you alone know the hearts of all men)
i kind of see a huge stop sign in front of me at this point.
because really, i have the scriptural facts that show me how deep and deadly Sam's sin has been:
Proverbs 2: 12-19
Wisdom will save you from the ways of wicked men, from men whose words are perverse. who LEAVE the straight paths to walk in DARK ways, who DELIGHT in doing wrong and rejoice in the perverseness of evil, who paths are crooked and who are devious in their ways. It (wisdom) will save you from the adulteress, from the wayward wife with her seductive words, who has left the partner of her youth and ignored the covenant she made before God, For her house leads down to death and her paths to the spirits of the dead. None who go to her return or attain the paths of life."
Proverbs 6:27-35 Can a man scoop fire into his lap without his clothes being burned? Can a man walk on hot coals without his clothes being burned? Can a man walk on hot coals without his feet being scorched? So is he who sleeps with another man's wife; no one who touches her will go unpunished. Men do not despise a thief if he steals to satisfy his hunger when he is starving. Yet if he is caught, he must pay sevenfold, though it costs him ALL THE WEALTH of his house. But a man who commits ADULTERY lacks judgment; whoever does so destroys himself. Blows and disgrace are his lot (and i did deliver blows) and his shame will never be wiped away; for jealousy arouses a husbands fury, and he will show no mercy when he takes revenge (kind of wish i could do this). He will not accept any compensation; he will refuse the bribe however great it is.
footnote: some people argue that it is all right to break God's law against sexual sin if nobody gets hurt. in truth, somebody always gets hurt. spouses are devastated, children are scarred. the partners themselves, even if they escape disease and unwanted pregnancy, lose their ability to fulfill commitments, to feel sexual desire, to trust, and to to entirely open with another person. God's laws are NOT arbrtiary. They do not forbid good, clean fun, rather they warn us against destroying ourselves through unwise actions or running ahead of God's timetable.
i just want to point out one main point in this- her house (the woman- adultery) leads down to death, none who got to her return or attain the paths of life.
so how do i feel about that? is that true?
let me catch you up to where i am thinking right now-
1) i do not honestly believe that Sam has the Holy Spirit deep inside of him. and until he truly recognizes that, he will NOT be broken, he will not find repentance, and there will not be total confession of his sins.
you can disagree with me if you want- i do stand by the fact the only the Lord knows a mans heart- but i also have many verses from Romans above to stand pretty strongly by this statement.
2) Sam chose a path that leads to death.
Jesus replied, "I tell you the truth, everyone who sins is a slave to sin. Now a slave has no permanent place in the family, but a son belongs to it forever. So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.
Jesus CAN set us free from whatever dominates our lives.
And what dominates Sam life? Serving sin- serving the devil, being consumed of nothing that is good- he does not covet a relationship with the Holy Spirit.
and in Acts 3:19 it says:
Repent, then, and turn to God, so that your sins may be wiped out, that times of refreshing may come from the Lord.
the KEY to forgiveness is CONFESSING your sins and turning FROM it.
so where have i landed?
I am praying, on my knees for total brokenness for this man. i do not believe it is there. i do not. he is a charmer, i know this, and he can say the right things- but brokenness, true brokenness will be seen not be a word that comes from his mouth.
2 Corinthians 7:10-11
Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret but worldly sorrow brings DEATH. See what this godly sorrow has produced in you: what earnestness, what eagerness to clear yourselves, what indignation, what alarm, what longing, what concern, what readiness to see justice done. At every point you proved yourselves to be innocent in this matter.
Matthew 3:8 Produce fruit in keeping with repentance.
Galatians 5:22-23 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Against such things there is no law.
SOOOO. let me finally try and end this post.
there is a lot going on here. there are things that haven't even begun to happen. But God is in whatever happens here.
where does this leave me?? in several places.
in James 1:2-4 Consider it PURE JOY, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be MATURE and COMPLETE, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.
just look what I get! I will be mature and complete, i will lack nothing! NOTHING! i have been so incomplete for so long. i have not walked the path God had for me, i had tried to take shortcuts and found myself running into pain and loss, but here, God - in HIS glorious timing- has pulled from the depths of my deepest despair and has begun a truly good work in me. not to sound braggy.
but His will be done in this situation- HE is in control. I just have to relinquish mine.
that doesn't mean i can't ask Him for things. i want His will done in my life, i want to never again be afraid to declare my Love for the Lord, i want to have people see me and see only Him. i want to be used by our Lord.
and, i also want the desires of my heart- and God knows and hears the desires of my heart, because all i have ever wanted since i was young, was to be this- wife and mother. the wife part may be tbd right now, but what i want- and what you can pray for me- is that i want a GODLY man, who seeks to Serve the Lord the with HIS whole heart. I want a man who will love me the way Christ loves the Church, I want a man who have the Spirit of God residing in him.
And i don't know who that is. Only GOD knows what will happen next. And i must Count on Him. I have not always walked faithfully with my Lord and Savior, and i know that right now He is molding me into something that I cannot even fathom at this point.
but i am guessing that PATIENCE has a huge part of it.
And so, i end this post with a Psalm.
Give ear to my words, O Lord, consider my sighing. Listen to my cry for help, my King and my God, for to you I pray. In the morning, O Lord, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation. You are not a God who takes pleasure in evil; with you the wicked cannot dwell. The arrogant cannot stand in your presence; you hate all who do wrong. You destroy those who tell lies; bloodthirsty and deceitful men the Lord abhors.
But I, by your great mercy, will come into your house; in reverence will I bow down toward your holy temple, Lead me O Lord, in your righteousness because of my enemies- make straight your way before me. Not a word from their mouth can be trusted; their heart is filled with destruction. Their throat is an open grave; with their tongue they speak deceit. Declare them guilty, O God! Let their intrigues be their downfall. Banish them for their many sins, for they have rebelled against you. But let all who take refuge in you be glad; let them ever sing for joy. Spread your PROTECTION over them, that those who LOVE YOUR NAME may rejoice in you. For surely, O Lord, you bless the righteous; you surround them with your favor as with a shield.