Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Psalm 37

i have the most wonderful best friend. i have bragged about her a time or two. or maybe more. i asked her many weeks ago to keep Psalm 37: 7-9 at the ready for me. because i text her when i am in pain. when i am burdened. i also text her quite frequently when i am hungry. and when i have strong desires for york peppermint patties.
my wonderful best friend will sense my mood by my texts- because a best friend can do that- and she will simply ask me, "is this a Psalm 37 moment?".
and i will respond, "when isn't it?".

be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him; do not fret when men succeed in their ways, when they carry out their wicked schemes.  refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret- it leads only to evil. for evil men will be cut off, but those who hope in the Lord will inherit the land.

every word of God is flawless, he is a shield to those who take refuge in him.
proverbs 30:5 

have i mentioned that i am thankful for the Word of God? that the Word of God is how the Creator of the Universe allows me- a wretched sinner- draw near to Him? 

this moment isn't a Psalm 37: 7-9 moment. this moment is a Psalm 37: 3-6:

trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart. commit your way to the Lord; trust in him and he will do this: He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun.

trusting. trusting. like standing on the edge of a cliff with my arms stretched open wide and letting myself fall forward- knowing that my Savior is at the bottom ready to catch me. 
trusting in the Lord with all my heart, leaning not on any understanding I have, committing myself and my ways and my life to Him, acknowledging Him in all my ways in all my life, and trusting in my trustworthy Father, that He WILL make my paths straight.
 He will do it. He has me.
trust in the Lord and do good.  what is it that i am doing? my work. the work that the Lord has given me. and my work primarily comes in the form of 4 little blue-eyed blessings from the Lord.  this is the work He has given me. and He asks me- He commands me- to do good:
Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might (Ecclesiastes 9:10)
Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters, (Colossians 3:23)
  dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.
my children and i are nestled up in hills in Weimar. my mother stumbled upon a church family when she was 15 and since then my family has been connected to this family. my dear friend Kecia, i have known well since i was 10 years old when she came and lived with me and my family. then when i was 17 i went and lived with her. two of her girls were in my wedding. and she was at the birth of 2 of my children. i have gone to her for encouragement in the Lord for the most major times in my life. 
and i do it because i know that when i walk in through her doors and into her arms that i am greeted only with the Word of God. not opinion, not assumption- but the Biblical truth- and sometimes chastisement and judgment that comes from the Truth of the solid rock that is the Word of God.
i am dwelling right now in the land and enjoying such safe pasture. i am in a place where loving and fearing and being obedient to the Lord is what is first. and for me- this is it. this is delighting in the Lord. this is the desire of my heart. to draw close to the Lord, to commit my way to the Lord. to trust in Him.

my heart swells right at this moment with true happiness. my two little boys are nestled, content, down for a nap. i am watching a wonderful young woman give my two older children an art lesson on a deck where i can see trees and endless hills of my Creator's truly awesome creation.
 He is my portion. His compassions are new everyday. and He has not forsaken me. He has not abandoned me. and He is my All in All. 

and He fills me with thankfulness, and when i am not thankful, then i run the risk of complaining. and what? am i the craziest woman in the world to complain to my Sovereign Lord? 
sometimes. so i repent, confess my sinful heart, and return to my thankfulness. i fear not. i love Him.

272)  my beautiful friend Kecia. the closest thing i have ever had to an older sister. my sister in Christ. a woman who has opened her home, given me and my children plenty of room, and has held my hand and cried tears with me as i pull closer to the Lord.

273) having a true example of Proverbs 31 being lived out in front of me. its like the Super Nanny... but Proverbs 31 style. i'm 2 days in to consistency with my children and the fruits are budding. 

274) beautiful sunny weather. and reversible skirts. because otherwise, this sudden shift in climate change would be dreadful.

275) my parents generosity and support. their loving kindness to me. the sacrifices they have made not only for me but for my children. knowing they want what is best for me.

276) as usual: ear buds. i might write better when my Bible is open and my phone is perched on it, music playing in my ears, the Word of God open to my heart.

277) six wonderful children that are serving me and my children. new friends for my babies. kindness and goodness for my children to see. fun to be had. a great outdoors to be explored.

278) popcorn popped in oil and then covered in the perfect amount of butter and salt. and then eating it with friends late at night. the sharing of grease covered fingers and smiles. the wonderful blessings that the Lord gives us.

279) seeing how the Lord using this situation in my life to show me how important the training of my children truly is. there are consequences to sin, to all sin, to my sin, to sin. and consequences hurt. we want to be obedient to God. i will be obedient to God. i will seek Him. i will put my hope in Him. and i will teach my children, i will take the responsibility of my God given work and i will love them, and raise them in Truth.

280) tears that flow so fast from my eyes down my cheeks. they represent how the Lord is working in my life. how He is changing my heart, how is molding me in this trial to be more use for Him.

281) Joy.

He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun.
i don't know how this will look. i don't need to shine for myself, i surely don't want to shine for myself, i want to shine for the Lord, i want to glorify Him. i want to remember that my actions are for Him. that i raise my children for Him, that i serve and love others for Him. 
but be sure to fear the Lord and serve him faithfully with all your heart; consider what great things he has done for you.
1 Samuel 12: 24

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

the long silence.

a very purposeful silence from the blog. and maybe i shouldn't be blogging. maybe. but i miss it. my mind races with so many thoughts that i want to share, and often times a facebook status update just doesn't suffice what it is that i want to say.

i filed for divorce. i am not going to publicly talk about this process. i will say this: i know that i haven't handled the last 3 months perfectly. i will not defend myself, i will simply say that the Lord has used every day that i have had over the last 3 months to teach me that i must draw myself closer to Him and Him alone. and He has shown me that His Grace is enough. it is enough. i wish i could say that i knew exactly how to think and feel over the last 3 months. but 10 years of my life had literally blown up in my face. the feelings of thinking i was crazy were gone, the reality of my life, the gravity of sin, and the fact that i needed my Savior more than anything brought about a lot of powerful emotions from me.
the Lord has set my feet on a new path. there are some people who stay married after something like this happens. those people have my respect, and i know that the Lord gives them the strength to do it. this is my choice. and i have made it. i have no doubts, no regrets, not one. i may sound harsh or brutal, and if you have specific questions for me, feel free to message me.
the biggest thing that i know, is that i want to live my life to Glorify the Lord, and to serve others. and that the most important thing outside of my relationship with the Lord is loving and training my little ones. that is it. the Lord knew how the desire of my heart was to be a mother, and He has given me- and sam- 4 truly wonderful children. and they are what matters now. and the Lord is giving me great joy in them. i see more of Him. i can begin to understand my own Father/daughter relationship with God as i think about being a mother. and i like that.
my priorities have just so completely shifted. and i'm not perfect. i'll never be. but i serve the Lord, and He is, and i am just going to keep moving towards Him. and know that ultimately there is a goal that i will reach- Heaven.
i want to glorify the Lord with my words, with my actions. and yes. i am not going to do it perfectly. but the Lord is teaching me. He is. and it is a measurable change. i know that i can look for the fruit of the spirit as fruits in my life that must be there.
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. Galatians 5:22-23

i am not perfect.
but. i am finding joy in my Savior. its a weird thing to explain how this has changed in me, without sounding like a cross between a nut and a dork: a nurk.
but. lately when i talk about the Lord, and Jesus, and the cross, i am starting to get that feeling i have wanted. where my stomach feels like it has dropped five floors suddenly. like how i feel every time i hear this:
No guilt in life, no fear in death

This is the power of Christ in me

From life's first cry to final breath

Jesus commands my destiny

No power of hell, no scheme of man

Can ever pluck me from His hand

Till He returns or calls me home

Here in the power of Christ I'll stand

i seriously cry, every time. and i hope that never changes. i hope when i think about exactly what Jesus has done for me, and how He has me, and how He is controlling everything, i hope that reality always brings me to tears.
and gentleness. i am not a quiet girl. but i am a happy girl. there is a happiness deep inside that swells more and more every day: that is Christ in me! that is the miracle of what He can do. how the worst of situations can and will be used to bring Him glory. gentleness isn't happiness. but i am finding the moments where i have been harsh and am seeking gentleness.
there is a lot of pausing. a lot of:

My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, James 1:9
i am not perfect. this does not come out of me every time. but i can stand before the Lord and say that i am trying. i am.

i have a teachable heart. and i have a desire to serve and seek the Lord constantly and every day, AND, i have the deep desire and conviction to show Christ to my children.
being a mother is a humbling thing. because i tell you, when you realize you are suppose to be the primary example of loving and serving people, and loving and serving our Lord, the primary example to little people... well, i am really just a wretched and horrid sinner who needs the Lord. desperately. with every breath that i have. if He isn't in my breath, then it isn't worth anything.

my Gus sends me the same passage reference frequently. she knows me. she knows when He isn't in my breath, but instead frustrations that are mounting.
and i get this: Psalm 37:7-9

Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him;
do not fret when men succeed in their ways,
when they carry out their wicked schemes.

Refrain from anger and turn from wrath;
do not fret—it leads only to evil.
For evil men will be cut off,
but those who hope in the LORD will inherit the land.

do not fret. do not fret. do not fret.

i am a fretter.
and i've been known to be a worrier.
and impatient.

but. fretting leads to evil. and i will not be evil.
and why worry? not a sparrow falls that the Lord doesn't know about. He knows what i need. and I have a God who listens to my prayers. and who will sustain me.
and patience. goodness. i didn't fully realize what an impatient person i was until all of this happened. yuck.
but the biggest thing i have right now is thankfulness. i am an imperfect, wretched sinner. and i tell you, i am constantly thinking of the cross. i am constantly thinking of the Lord on the cross. for me. for all of my sins. i am thinking of a God who loves me enough to send His son for the sins of the world. i am thinking of where my true treasure is. i an thinking about what i can do for Him. i am thankful.
and even though this is a long post. i want to share just a few things this evening that i am thankful for.

262) holding on to hope.

263) listening to an album that has been in my itunes library for ever: mumford and sons. i hadn't really ever listened to it before. and i feel like a fool for not. i am so behind in the times. although, i am wearing jeans with a bit of flare right now, and i am not quite sure if i am way ahead, or way behind. oh well. i am not a put together girl. i am a: how many layers does it take to hide the lack of exercise plus addition of apple pie eating weight gain.

264) it takes 3 layers. but who's counting? i'm not. i still do worry... and tend to fret- but fret leads to evil... i don't want the way i look to become an idol of my heart. i want to spend more time serving others, loving my children, and in the Word. which is honestly what has taken the place of my usual exercise. but. i am not snacking at night anymore (okay, the last 2 nights.. but still) and that is exercising self-control!

265) 4 little children that i can throw my tennis shoes on and race around outside after. exercise will be had, just not what i thought it would be. just like this path that the Lord has me on, not what i thought, but it is here.

266) my brother eric. he hung out with me and the kids as we are up in a new place. he helped clean up the house every night (okay, again 2 nights) and my dad will be home soon, and it is not clean. its kinda clean. but not clean. and i'm blogging and dancing to mumford and sons and not cleaning.

267) so i'm thankful for a dad who finds a lot of joy in cleaning. and cuts me some slack.

268) for coming to northern california for a visit. its been 3 long months since the kids have seen there papa (sam's dad) and as happy as they will be to see their dad and their nana, there is a certain papa who needs a bit of joy.

269) remembering that india oven is waiting for me at the end of that long drive. gus... india oven is waiting for me at the end of that long drive.

270) marv. a great-grandpa i met at mcdonalds today. his great-grand daughter was sharing frys with henry. he loved the kids blue eyes. who doesn't. my kids have sam's eyes. i'm the green eyed gal. my kids have the beautiful eyes that come from their dad. marv asked me if i went to church. we talked about the Lord, and how He is always with me. awesome. just awesome. he also told me i'm a baby-making machine. yup.
i was.

271) the house in eatonville. the kids and i are up here while a susan powell documentary is being shot at my parents house in puyallup. seriously. seriously. my decision to go to northern california on friday happened about 2 hours ago. i forgot that most- ok all- of my clothes are in the puyallup house. great. oh well. i've got my beanie. and 2 reversible skirts. what more do i really need? i love this house. i want to stay here, until it is time for us to return permanently to northern california.

so. that's about it. i hope to blog more. i hope to be here. i hope in Him.