Tuesday, May 10, 2011


today was a sunny day. and it got me thinking about seasons. not everyone gets to live in a place where all 4 seasons are experienced, i do. sure, some of the seasons don't last as long as the others, and this year winter felt un-seasonally long, and spring maybe lasted 2 days, but still, we get a glimpse at all of them.
and i had to wonder, when our Creator was creating this earth, was specific attention given to the length of seasons. all the seasons are roughly (supposed to be) the same amount of time. is that the length of time God knew we could handle it? is 3 months of winter just at the brink of "enough" for some people?
and then the easement of seasons. its not harsh colds and horrid heats, its a gently walking towards the extremes. we are cold, and then slowly it starts to warm, until its so warm that we slowly start to get cool before it gets to cold.
duh, that's the way the seasons work.
but we use the word "season" for so many things. and lately i have felt like i have been in many different seasons of my life, many seasons that i have been desperately crawling at the walls trying to get through.
and now, i have better reflection on it. seasons of life aren't meant to be every 3 months, and seasons of life sure as heck don't ease you into things ( i mean, i can't even think of one season of being a mother that has easily transitioned into a new "joy"). seasons are here, and there is a season for everything.
and, this season i am in, i will NEVER get to experience again. so i need to enjoy it. embrace it. live it. because way to soon the leaves will change and fall and it will be done. new seasons will replace this one, but it will not be the same.
my season.
i want to be in a season of daily exercise (at least 60 minutes) i am IN a season of hopeful exercise (i do better than most) and hoping calories shed while i breastfed and chase after my 2 year old, while listening to my 3 year old talk, and watching my 5 year old read.
i want to cook wonderful, healthy meals and small, decent desserts, i am IN a season where we eat pretty much the same thing every day, and i try to strive to eat as many fruits and veggies as i can, all the while having the same daily battle over "i'm hungry" when we jump down from the table after refusing to eat our food, and food getting thrown from table to floor.
and the occasional (ok, very occasional) doughnut binge.
i love doughnuts. and God help me, i'm praying they are in heaven.
i want to be in a season where i am crafty and creative every single day and productivity just shines from me, i am IN a season where my creativity stretches to imaginary elephant stories and hide and seek and the occasional coloring picture. the few moments where i truly feel creative i do not always have the opportunity to act on them. and then in the evening when i sit to nurse the baby before he goes to bed, all of my drive and motivation effectively washes away as he slowly falls to sleep.
that 7-8 pm nursing window the drains me, because i am tired, and it has been a long day and i don't want to use my brain anymore.
i want to be in a season where i would love to be more social and see my friends and have play dates all the time, i am IN a season where i have a job, and a job where i know the Lord wants me.
i want to be in a season where my home is always clean and laundry is always done, and milk cups aren't left in the sink over night, and bath towels are always immediately hung, i am IN a season where milk cups are lucky to make it into the sink instead of being found days later under a couch, and towels are tripped over and stepped over multiple times before they are picked up.
what it boils down to is this: i am tired. it is true. but i have to stop seeing the tired as the cause of all the things i CAN'T do. and instead see it as the effect (and i don't know if that should be affect or effect and i am to tired to care- or look it up) of what i AM doing.
i am in a season where my children come first.
when you start to embrace the truth of what you are living, like for instance boiling heat in July, then it doesn't make it easier, but you can understand it.
and don't feel sorry for me, because this season is important, invaluable, and yes- i am tired, and sure, i am not getting to do the things i want to yet-
yet. there will be a season for that.
so for now, i enjoy lounging on the couch at night when i am to tired to do anything else letting my favorite shows make me laugh, and i am quite content reading spurts of books on my iphone while i nurse my baby, and i am sure that someday my house will be clean (but really, if i clean those cups tonight they will be dirty again tomorrow- it will happen) and someday i will cook and exercise like a pro.
of course, i do realize that i will most likely never be in the season of being a supermodel. fine by me. i love doughnuts.
i am in a season where my precious children come first.

Monday, May 9, 2011


i can hear one of my "thought was sleeping" children awakening downstairs, so this will have to be short.
today marks the beginning of something for me, although i was previously trying this before. today i fast for self-control. on the first of may i started a fast from sugar and flour. yesterday i stopped (for several reasons- none based on lack of self-control though) and today i begin again. when i had started i was so distracted that none of the reasons why i wanted this fast even seemed to matter.
background: i am most likely an over-eating stress eater, most of us could say that's true. but i also have this little genetic quirk (and trust me, its genetic) where i obsess about certain foods and will absolutely inhale them without ever giving it a second thought.
i need self-control. in so many different areas of my life. i need in my diet, and i desperately need it with my children. and i need it in how i use my time. i have fallen into a pattern that i really don't like.
a quick googling of the "fruits of the spirit" (and a harsh reminder to myself that i really must write these on my heart) tells me that self-control is a fruit of the spirit. one that i have let rot on the vine.
ok, to sum up (because that waking child is now really awake) this is what i am doing:
from today until june 5th:
*no sugar and no flour- except for fruit. i am eliminating it from my diet. why? because i tend to go on baking binges. and (and these may come as shocking information to you) but sugar is fairly addicting. i probably start eating sugar a little fast and faster with the more i an inhale it. and then i simply cannot stop. i mean really.
*no eating after 7. i mean, as much fun as it is to literally swallow a bite of something tasty and crawl into my bed, how completely unhealthy is that? plus, when i am sitting on the couch snacking all night long i am not doing anything else.
*no eating at the couch. food and tv go hand in hand, and i kind of need to end that relationship.
*no more eating out when i should be cooking. that doesn't mean going out (because i have some fun plans for next sunday that will involve being gone all day) but it means having the discipline to create a meal plan for my family (something i can do) and being self-controlled to stick with it.
* no more exercising if sam isn't here.
ok, that's a weird one given everything else i have thrown in. but this fast is about self-control. and i know that my obsession with food is only magnified more with my obsession for exercise, because i know that if i exercise i can eat more (which is slightly false logic) and i also get a little (understatement here) caught up on how my physical appearance is. and this fast isn't about losing weight. its about self-control. discipline. and i can turn into a pretty nasty mom really fast if i am exercising and the kids are misbehaving. and you know why? because when i am exercising they are alone to their own undoings.
but, i can fit it in when sam is around. and when the time comes (sob) when i won't have a nursing baby (who is sleeping through the night) then i won't wake up with a chest that can't fit comfortably into a sports bra and i will be able to exercise in the wee hours of the morning.
* to really pray when i eat.
i really do want to hand over these ugly aspects of myself.
yesterday was mother's day, and when i was enjoying sugar for the first time in a week i realized something, it did all taste a little different. and i didn't hit it as hard as i thought i would have (but i did snack all night long, ugh) so hopefully my heart is changing towards the way i let myself feel about food.
i do love food. and i am starting to believe my role in heaven might be doughnut maker. or baker.
i have 3 ladies who have being doing the no sugar/flour since may 1st. i think 2 of them are walking along with me till june 5th. and after june 5th, i have a strict plan set up for not crashing hard.
i also have a pretty list of 30 things to do.... better get started on that.