Saturday, May 19, 2012

no man can walk out on his own story

i am TRYING.
i haven't been blogging. i've been with my children. i've been with my weimar family. i've been spending time in God's Word. i've been controlling my words, and keeping my thoughts captive.
i am sitting in the dark, in a dome house. i am texting my friend's 16 year old daughter- who is also my friend- who sits in the loft above me. the sound here travels like crazy. she can hear me open my york peppermint patty. she can probably here my music from the headphones. its loud. because i like it loud.
its been a long day. and i should be sleeping. resting my head on the pillow.
i've slept on a couch every night but 2 for the last month. and i have loved it. i have crawled in the dark to this couch, while my children were nestled in their room. i have watched a family of 8 sacrifice time, space, and energy for me and my children. i have watched a family of 8 rally behind me and my 4 children and i have been cared for.
tomorrow night is my last night here. and i am sad.
a little more than 4 months ago, i choose to follow the Lord. i was given advice to leave my husband before i knew the truth about this adultery. i had told my story to a counselor and was told to divorce my husband and leave- that he was cheating on me, and had been for years.
i swallowed my pride, and called my dear friend, who i knew wouldn't let just walk off without seeking the Lord. i hadn't talked to her in 2 years, but she put everything aside, took care of my children and spent the day in God's Word with me, counseling me, and loving me. and i knew the truth, i couldn't leave without proof.
little did i know that hours later i would be back at her house. broken, crumbled, devastated to learn the beginning of what would be years and years of deception.
**side note. i am sitting in the dark- and i am absolutely rocking out to shine by the newsboys... its part of my new awesome newsboys playlist... i am a dork... who is replaying shine...**

weimar. i know i am not really leaving. that i have been given another family. that i am loved. but i am so very sad.
the kids and i are moving back into our house for a temporary season. i am not sure what God has in store for me or my kids, and i truly dread the idea of grass valley. but He has me there. for now. and i know that later, even if i realize why, or if i never do, that i will trust Him completely.
i have to Trust Him. i have absolutely no choice but to cling to His Truth. and to cling to it when so many lies are constantly being told to me.  and even though it is hard, i will trust Him, because He has it all under control.
i just kind of feel like when something happens, or doesn't work out the way i think it should go, i just need to sit back and think- okay, its a good thing i can Trust Him.
**what is better than the Newsboys?? am i 16? **

i recently looked up the word folly. it has several meanings. absurdity was my favorite. that is a random thought. enjoy.
i guess not totally random, as i have been dealing with some things that are just absurd.

but. as i sit here in the dark, knowing that there is someone close to me who is struggling to find herself in the Lord, i realize- hey, i am still working everyday to trust Him more, and to not freak out when the path He has me on has a tiny crack in it.... or  a huge boulder.... or huge flames of fury to walk through... or flames of absurdity.
He's still in control. He's always in control. He is always loving me. He is here for every step of this struggle. He knows that i can do this- if i can just cling to Him, and its almost like He is saying, please just let Me handle all this stuff in your life.
well, i know that He can do a much better job than me.
and i know that His plan for me, is better than my plan for me.

so. for today, for tomorrow, for forever- i will put my Trust in Him.
bring it on.
bombs away.
Psalm 71

1 In you, O Lord, I have taken refuge;
let me never be put to shame.
2 Rescue me and deliver me in your righteousness;
turn your ear to me and save me.
3 Be my rock of refuge,
to which I can always go;
give the command to save me,
for you are my rock and my fortress.
4 Deliver me, O my God, from the hand of the wicked,
from the grasp of evil and cruel men.
5 For you have been my hope, O Sovereign Lord,
my confidence since my youth.
6 From birth I have relied on you;
you brought me forth from my mother's womb.
I will ever praise you.
7 I have become like a portent to many,
but you are my strong refuge.
8 My mouth is filled with your praise,
declaring your splendor all day long.
9 Do not cast me away when I am old;
do not forsake me when my strength is gone.
10 For my enemies speak against me;
those who wait to kill me conspire together.
11 They say, “God has forsaken him;
pursue him and seize him,
for no one will rescue him.”
12 Be not far from me, O God;
come quickly, O my God, to help me.
13 May my accusers perish in shame;
may those who want to harm me
be covered with scorn and disgrace.
14 But as for me, I will always have hope;
I will praise you more and more.
15 My mouth will tell of your righteousness,
of your salvation all day long,
though I know not its measure.
16 I will come and proclaim your mighty acts, O Sovereign Lord;
I will proclaim your righteousness, yours alone.
17 Since my youth, O God, you have taught me,
and to this day I declare your marvelous deeds.
18 Even when I am old and gray,
do not forsake me, O God,
till I declare your power to the next generation,
your might to all who are to come.
19 Your righteousness reaches to the skies, O God,
you who have done great things.
Who, O God, is like you?
20 Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter,
you will restore my life again;
from the depths of the earth
you will again bring me up.
21 You will increase my honor
and comfort me once again.
22 I will praise you with the harp
for your faithfulness, O my God;
I will sing praise to you with the lyre,
O Holy One of Israel.
23 My lips will shout for joy
when I sing praise to you—
I, whom you have redeemed.
24 My tongue will tell of your righteous acts
all day long,
for those who wanted to harm me
have been put to shame and confusion.

so. there is most definitely that.

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

yesterday and today

yesterday was wonderful. yesterday i woke up, choosing the Lord and what He wants instead of what it is that i want. and when i set aside what i want, i am left with amazing peace in Him. He doesn't leave you empty. seeking Him, His desires, His will, being obedient to Him, there is security and safety in that.  it is truly no different than while i train my children. when i direct them back to truth, and back to choosing to obey and not disobey, they have peace and freedom in knowing their boundaries. my Father is no different that that. He is a loving Father.
yesterday i woke up being thankful that i had breath. because, really- that is a luxury. He controls my breaths. He knows when i take my last one. every morning i am here is an opportunity to serve Him.
yesterday i chose to look at the work He put before me and went forth to do good for Him.
yesterday i was also sad, and struggled with feeling impatient, felt the irritating itch of selfishness and needed to motivate myself.
yesterday, i spent time in the Word with a sweet 16 year old girl.
yesterday, i laid on the floor, drawing numbers for the Lord and sang worship songs with a very sweet 15 year old girl while my henry sat on my back.
yesterday, at one point, 10 children were in my care. and we ran around a mountain top, playing freeze tag and duck duck goose.  we ate rice and beans, and let ice cream sandwiches make our fingers sticky.
yesterday, i was forgiven because He was forsaken. i was accepted, because He was condemned.
yesterday, i was a wretched sinner who remembers the cross, and my King who hung for my sins.
yesterday, the words, "when we don't get what we deserve, its a real good thing, when we get what we don't deserve, its a real good thing" hit my heart.
yesterday, i laid in bed with my oldest (in years of friendship) friend in the world.
yesterday, my children sat at my feet and played. 
yesterday, my best friend and i connected.
yesterday, i found my purpose in He who made me and loves me.
yesterday i realized that peace comes alone from Him. and it is a peace that surpasses all understanding.

today, is wonderful. i woke up, and i again chose the Lord. however, i woke up, snuggling on the couch next to my oldest child.
today, i sipped coffee while full of 11 people bustled around me.
today, i watched people paint and create.
today, a very helpful 13 year old girl detailed my van along with her brothers.
today, i served roughly 14 people lunch with a lot of joy in my heart.
today, i watched my children run around barefoot with smiles on their faces.
today, i listened to two 4 year olds find themselves in their own creative play world.
today, i cling to the truth that He is in control. that He nothing happens without His knowing.
today, i do the work that He has put in front of me, i love my children, i train and teach them, and i love those around me.
today, i am forgive because He was forsaken. i was accepted, because He was condemned.
today, i am a wretched sinner who remembers the cross, and my King who hung for my sins.
today, i am filled with love and peace for my Savior.
today, at the end of the day i am tired, waiting for 4 little people to fall asleep.
today, i find comfort in a few verses of God's Word, rather than chapters.
today, i trust in the Lord, and lean not on my own understanding of anything, but rest in Him, and commit myself to Him.
today, i am blessed by God's faithfulness.
today, i carry a beautiful bouquet of flowers from 10 little people.
today, music blasts in my ears.
today, i do the work He has for me, and not worry about tomorrow, but serve Him in love.

and then, there will be tomorrow.

Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever
Hebrews 13:8