Psalm 37

i have the most wonderful best friend. i have bragged about her a time or two. or maybe more. i asked her many weeks ago to keep Psalm 37: 7-9 at the ready for me. because i text her when i am in pain. when i am burdened. i also text her quite frequently when i am hungry. and when i have strong desires for york peppermint patties.
my wonderful best friend will sense my mood by my texts- because a best friend can do that- and she will simply ask me, "is this a Psalm 37 moment?".
and i will respond, "when isn't it?".

be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him; do not fret when men succeed in their ways, when they carry out their wicked schemes.  refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret- it leads only to evil. for evil men will be cut off, but those who hope in the Lord will inherit the land.

every word of God is flawless, he is a shield to those who take refuge in him.

proverbs 30:5 

have i mentioned that i am thankful for the Word of God? that the Word of God is how the Creator of the Universe allows me- a wretched sinner- draw near to Him? 

this moment isn't a Psalm 37: 7-9 moment. this moment is a Psalm 37: 3-6:

trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart. commit your way to the Lord; trust in him and he will do this: He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun.

trusting. trusting. like standing on the edge of a cliff with my arms stretched open wide and letting myself fall forward- knowing that my Savior is at the bottom ready to catch me. 

trusting.  

trusting in the Lord with all my heart, leaning not on any understanding I have, committing myself and my ways and my life to Him, acknowledging Him in all my ways in all my life, and trusting in my trustworthy Father, that He WILL make my paths straight.

 He will do it. He has me.

trust in the Lord and do good.  what is it that i am doing? my work. the work that the Lord has given me. and my work primarily comes in the form of 4 little blue-eyed blessings from the Lord.  this is the work He has given me. and He asks me- He commands me- to do good:

Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might (Ecclesiastes 9:10)

Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters, (Colossians 3:23)

  dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.

my children and i are nestled up in hills in Weimar. my mother stumbled upon a church family when she was 15 and since then my family has been connected to this family. my dear friend Kecia, i have known well since i was 10 years old when she came and lived with me and my family. then when i was 17 i went and lived with her. two of her girls were in my wedding. and she was at the birth of 2 of my children. i have gone to her for encouragement in the Lord for the most major times in my life. 

and i do it because i know that when i walk in through her doors and into her arms that i am greeted only with the Word of God. not opinion, not assumption- but the Biblical truth- and sometimes chastisement and judgment that comes from the Truth of the solid rock that is the Word of God.

i am dwelling right now in the land and enjoying such safe pasture. i am in a place where loving and fearing and being obedient to the Lord is what is first. and for me- this is it. this is delighting in the Lord. this is the desire of my heart. to draw close to the Lord, to commit my way to the Lord. to trust in Him.

my heart swells right at this moment with true happiness. my two little boys are nestled, content, down for a nap. i am watching a wonderful young woman give my two older children an art lesson on a deck where i can see trees and endless hills of my Creator's truly awesome creation.

 He is my portion. His compassions are new everyday. and He has not forsaken me. He has not abandoned me. and He is my All in All. 

and He fills me with thankfulness, and when i am not thankful, then i run the risk of complaining. and what? am i the craziest woman in the world to complain to my Sovereign Lord? 

sometimes. so i repent, confess my sinful heart, and return to my thankfulness. i fear not. i love Him.

272)  my beautiful friend Kecia. the closest thing i have ever had to an older sister. my sister in Christ. a woman who has opened her home, given me and my children plenty of room, and has held my hand and cried tears with me as i pull closer to the Lord.

273) having a true example of Proverbs 31 being lived out in front of me. its like the Super Nanny... but Proverbs 31 style. i'm 2 days in to consistency with my children and the fruits are budding. 

274) beautiful sunny weather. and reversible skirts. because otherwise, this sudden shift in climate change would be dreadful.

275) my parents generosity and support. their loving kindness to me. the sacrifices they have made not only for me but for my children. knowing they want what is best for me.

276) as usual: ear buds. i might write better when my Bible is open and my phone is perched on it, music playing in my ears, the Word of God open to my heart.

277) six wonderful children that are serving me and my children. new friends for my babies. kindness and goodness for my children to see. fun to be had. a great outdoors to be explored.

278) popcorn popped in oil and then covered in the perfect amount of butter and salt. and then eating it with friends late at night. the sharing of grease covered fingers and smiles. the wonderful blessings that the Lord gives us.

279) seeing how the Lord using this situation in my life to show me how important the training of my children truly is. there are consequences to sin, to all sin, to my sin, to sin. and consequences hurt. we want to be obedient to God. i will be obedient to God. i will seek Him. i will put my hope in Him. and i will teach my children, i will take the responsibility of my God given work and i will love them, and raise them in Truth.

280) tears that flow so fast from my eyes down my cheeks. they represent how the Lord is working in my life. how He is changing my heart, how is molding me in this trial to be more use for Him.

281) Joy.

He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun.

i don't know how this will look. i don't need to shine for myself, i surely don't want to shine for myself, i want to shine for the Lord, i want to glorify Him. i want to remember that my actions are for Him. that i raise my children for Him, that i serve and love others for Him. 

but be sure to fear the Lord and serve him faithfully with all your heart; consider what great things he has done for you.

1 Samuel 12: 24

love so amazing...

Back in the air. My still favorite song playing in my ears. Proverbs 3:5-6 being repeated and repeated in my mind. a short trip for me, but I will be back, so for those of you I didn't see- I will return!

I feel such peace. I feel like i am truly seeing the truth separates from the lies. I feel like I can stand solid in the Word of God and pull all of my confidence and strength from His truth- not my own understanding- but simply trusting in His loving goodness.

My comfort in Him is being so thoroughly developed: aha- so this is what a trial starts to do!!

I am in it.

This trial that was known before I was formed in my mothers womb- I will not complain- the second i complain I question who God is.

I have tried very purposefully to never ask "why", throughout all of this. There are so things I ask why about- but I never ask God "why did this happen", because I know why. We live in a fallen world, we are a sinful people in need of a Savior. I am a sinful woman in need of my Savior.

I will never be perfect- this is not an excuse or a cop-out: but He is perfect, and I will seek Him, I will seek Him everyday. Somedays i will fail miserably, and somedays I will be of use to my Lord.

I feel like I have been so lost, living in muddled confusion, desperate for the truth, and it was always there- He is the truth.

I finally feel found.

If you know me, you know I can't help my rock out with earbuds in, and I have a problems with air drumming, i have issues with corn in food where it shouldn't be (like outside of being on the cob) and I quote way to many tv shows.

There's a scene on scrubs where JD is told to beware of a tackling Ahltimzers patient. This patient leaps and tackles JD shouting, "who am I?"

Who have I been?

I have been a girl who has not leaned on her Lord and Savior for all of her strength, and that has left me on shakey ground. I have not been the wise man who has built his house upon the rock, but instead on the sand.

Guess what? That gets to stop. Either the Lord is my strength or He isn't. Either I embrace the pain of my trials and count it all joy, or i don't. Either His is my everything, or He isn't.

He is my strength, I have joy, He is my everything.

God uses everything for His glory. And this girl knows that. This girl believes it. This girls trusts it from her head to her toes.

I either live the truth of God's Word and Love Him or I turn away.

And I have seen firsthand what that looks like. No more, never again.

The Lord is the giver of strength, He is my shield, He is my comfort, He is my constant companion, He never leaves me- and i get that. I can see this. I trust this.

This is really happening.

"go on, go on, if you were thinking that the worst was yet to come, why am i the one always packing up my stuff? for once, for once I get the feeling that i am right where i belong, why am the one always packing up my stuff?"

Every single thing in my life brings me back to this;

I am in the Lord's Hands, i am His daughter, I will call Him Lord and i will seek His name. I am RIGHT where He has me.

And all I can do, is wake up each morning, with Proverbs 3:5-6 on my heart, and tell the Lord that i do not know what the day will bring- but I will seek Him with all that I do.

And then do that.

I did not just eat an entire bag of mini Cadbury eggs. I did not.

There are still 4 in the bag.

My thankfulness to the Lord is my heart. It makes my heart swell insanely.

Great is the Lord and worthy of praise.

Be strong and take heart and wait on the Lord.

Joy, peace, love, faithfulness, gentleness, patience, goodness, kindness, self-control.

Cast my fears on Him.

Be strong and very courageous.

The goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.

Be still and know that He is God.

The Lord will fight for you, you need only be still.

Not a sparrow falls.

He feeds the birds of the fields.

He made this day.

He knows the desires of my heart.

He made me.

He loves me.

He is love.

He is my God, my Savior.

The Creator of the Universe who gave His only son to perish on a cross wants me to not only love Him, but He wants to love me, and He wants to bless my life, He wants me to trust and obey that even if I don't understand what is happening, that He is in control and that in all my ways I can acknowledge Him and He will be there on my path.

I called, He answered. He came to my rescue, and I only want to be where He is.

"it's all alright, i guess it's all alright, I've got nothing left inside of my chest: but it's all alright"

Thank you Lord for using everything for Your Glory, I will draw near to you, and You say in Your Word, that you will draw dear to me.

thoughts from 10,000 feet

Sometimes there are many things that I want to write about.

And sometimes I take a step back and don't say what I want, which I am sure is hard for a lot of you to believe. But believe it, I have been holding my tongue as of late.

There is one thing that I do want to talk about today.

Being thankful to the Lord. Honestly, it is the one thing that consistently gets me back on track. I rest fully and wonderfully in knowing that the Lord loves me, that He will mold me into the woman He wants me to be, and that He wants good for me, not pain. He is the Sovereign King- ruler of all- not a sparrow falls from the sky that He doesn't know about.

Not a sparrow.

Not a moment of my life is out of His Hands.

I am thankful and I have joy. Things have been painful. Things have hurt- but the Creator of the Universe has me in a trial to better me for His use. This is the ultimate training. I have the opportunity to recognize that every single painful word spoke at me, every painful memory, every reminder, is something the Lord will use for my good.

I have an urgency to be still before my Lord, to rest, perched on His shoulders letting Him shield me from the pain. And sometimes the pain still comes- BUT: I have His Word, the truth, the comforts of the Psalms, the wisdom of Proverbs, and lately a newfound appreciation for Isaiah. It is a Living Word- and it is the solid ground that I must stand on, all other ground is sinking sand.

I am so not perfect. And I don't crave perfection for others- I want to please the Lord. And i realize more and more that the only way I can stay calm and rest in Him is to be still and wait for the Lord.

And not speak.

I don't feel muzzled- I simply am finding wisdom in not muddling my words, but simply to stick to the truth and God's Word.

Everything else is sinking ground.

my heart right now is for my children. such a rare opportunity to be one roll right now- mother- and i am thankful to the Lord for this- my children are my great ministry, He has given me these beautiful little crazy creations, and I serve my Lord in the way I love and raise and train them.

And in doing this, the Lord pulls me closer to Him- I need my eyes on Him, my heart focused on the Truth, and to be standing on the solid rock.

This whole situation is honestly harder than I thought possible.

But: what makes me weak shows how strong He is.

because what I will tell you is this- He only is sustaining me, He is giving me strength to face each day: and each day He gives me is one more than I deserve.

He loves me.

I want this experience in my life to be life changing- I want to be stronger in the Word, i want to see every moment as an opportunity to be thankful for the Lord, and I want I count it all joy.

It is all joy. Perserverance in the greatest race ever, this life that is temporary, these moments just that: a moment in time and then: heaven with Him.

Lord, i am so thankful for the truth of your Word and for the freeing truth You have given me.

This morning in church, with my sister-in Christ and best friend at my side, we sang;

"I called, You answered, You came to my rescue, and all i want is to be where you are".

That is my prayer Lord. Sobbing uncontrollably in a bathtub 2 1/2 months ago, seeking Your help, I called and a little more than 24 hours later you answered. YOU came to my rescue. And even though the pain is still burning- You are my comfort, You are my strength, I can rest in Your love and Your mercy.

Lord you are so mercy.

And as this airplane jerks around like a low budget amusement park ride, I fear not with a smile on my face, with my best friend at my side, I know You are in control, always and forever You will rule my life, I will fail and fail again- but Lord my desire is to know You more, to Love you with all my heart, and to serve You.

You give me so much more than I deserve. I will not complain for the trials that produce what You want in me.

Your sovereignty is either my greatest comfort or my worst nightmare.

I am comforted.

and then there was love.

i have this super vivid memory of my baby sister sitting at my table in grass valley. she had just made me grilled chicken and grilled veggies, and was teaching me to not eat after 7 pm. my little campbell couldn't have been more than 5 months old. her hair was long. my hair was long. she was happy. and content. and i was asking her, as she picked at her grilled chicken, if she was ready to start nursing school. and she just said, "oh, no, steven and i want to have a baby."
campbell turns 6 in just 2 weeks. and Hope is just 5 days old.
talk about waiting on the Lord. talk about:

i am still confident of this: i will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait on the Lord, be strong and take heart, and wait for the Lord.
Psalm 27:13-14

5 long years. and in an instant, forgotten. well, not totally forgotten. but you realize, when you see how someone waits, and wait, and waits for what they want- joy. pure joy.
and my sister and steven, they waited. and many, many babies were born. and they waited on the Lord. many heartaches were had. and they waited.
and do you know what they got? sure, Hope.
but HOPE.
they found themselves, and their trust in our Lord. they learned what it meant to put complete trust in our Savior, and that even if He didn't give them the desires of their heart- as quickly as they wanted it- they still would call Him Lord. they still would Love Him.
and. they found each other. two "kids" when they were married. they had years together, waiting on the Lord, and growing together. growing in Him, and growing in love.
i know my sister loves her husband. its pretty evident. because she is my sister, we share a lot.
but, i didn't realize just how much her husband loved her, until i watched him while she was in labor.
and honestly, i have never witnessed a man who loved his wife more. the pain she felt was bore on his face. her contractions were felt by his expressions. her hand was always held. he whispered in her ear, prayed for her, touched her belly, rubbed her back.
and he never left her side.
seriously.
i am not sure if that man peed in 36 hours.
i know he didn't sleep. and even i stole 2 hours.
it brings tears to my eyes, just thinking about it. the devotion in this man. for someone that i love so dearly. the concern and care that was in his eyes. the never ending support that he gave her.
it was the most beautiful thing i have yet to see in my life.
until that baby was born.
nothing went as planned. but it is the Lord's plan, not ours. it is His timing, not ours. it is His will, and we are His children.
and even when every single thing these two wanted was slowly disappearing from their grasp, steven stood strong in His trust of His Savior, and his devotion to my sweet sister.
and when i would catch his glance during contractions, i just knew. he loved her. he really loved her.
and then that baby.
that beautiful baby. that baby that resembles her daddy. this sweet little Hope that has been waited for, for so many years, was here.
and i have never seen a man cling so tight to a baby. hold a child so completely in his arms.
my sister said that if he was going to hold her, he'd have to do skin to skin. she said it was less than seconds that he had whipped his sweatshirt off and reached out for that baby.
his daughter. her daughter.
i was so privileged to be a part of this. to watch the transition, from desire of a baby, to struggle for a baby, to trusting for a baby. i remember praying with my sister after the first set of shots. i remember when she called me with the news. LEAPING off my couch. shaking with joy.
i was the first person, outside of hospital staff and her sweet parents to hold this beautiful baby.
and i couldn't be more in love.
however. my sister, she loves this baby. she coos with this baby, she snuggles this baby, she texts me constantly about this baby.
and steven. his world is this baby.
and my sister.
i am deep gratitude and praise to my Savior, for staying truthful to His Word. He does give us the desires of our heart. He does.

joy.

i have spent this week taking my kids one at a time into my coffee shop. i've created friends there over the last 2 months, and i was ready to introduce them to the real part of my life. not just the gal who sits with headphones, and laughs at stupid things, and drinks way to much coffee.
so far i've taken 3 in, and i'm hoping to take henry sometime tomorrow. wilder and i went in for just a few minutes today. my littlest boy stayed in my arms, rested his tired head on my chest, and got mad as all heck when i wouldn't give him a drink of my latte.
i surprised the boys, i drink americanos, but today i wanted a latte, and was convinced to get 1 % not non fat, so i could get some foam art.
simple joys.
it may seem really insignificant, but this little coffee shop has made a big difference in my life. i have somewhere fun and safe to go, where i feel accepted, and where i know people genuinely care about me. so after wilder and i left, i went home and whipped up another batch of my oatmeal cookies (this recipe i do not share, and i actually love watching people eat one for the first time- eyes widen and mouths turn up). i usually spend an hour or so at my coffee shop when the older kids are at awanas. its my special alone time, in the middle of a week.
i wrote a card to all the staff. because i have met almost everyone. all the boys, all the girls. i told them how i literally wandered off the street, broken, and sat in the corner and sobbed. and it wasn't till i left that i realized that it was a Jesus loving coffee shop. and how that each one of them had been such a huge blessing to me, how when my life has been in such despair, i had this safe place to go where i was accepted and had people who knew my name. and that i was so deeply thankful to the Lord for all of them.
i took my cookies and card in. i also wanted to talk to a couple of the boys, and make sure that they knew that i didn't come in as regularly as i did, because i was "trolling for tail". i don't want to give off the wrong impression. i adore these boys. and the girls. they all know my name, they all talk to me- i talk to them. but they know i am going through a rough time- and i just don't want my friendly, "i'm the hulk, i'm the hulk, i'm the hulk" jokester attitude to come across as anything other than: joy. joy in the Lord, joy in them for how He is using them in my life.
it happened that several of my favorites were in that night.
plus, the owner stopped by. someone gave him my card, he instantly came out and talked to me for a good 15 minutes. with a cookie in hand. he was so thankful for my card, and to see that the business he wanted to run for the Lord was doing what He was asking the Lord for it to do.
and it is.
it was a wonderful night. i had 3 cups of coffee in an hour. i laughed with my favorites. i watched people i care about eat something amazing i make.
and i felt blessed by the Lord. i left a wonderful body of friends and loved ones. and i have not been left alone. i have built in friends already (my jill, my kristine) and i have a family that loves me, and i have a place that is mine- where i can be me.
where i can be who He is molding me to be.

i didn't realize i was a single mom.

and then i realized i was. part of the team is gone. and that is an adjustment. and this post is about what makes that adjustment so manageable. manageable to the point that half of the time it feels like i am on vacation.
my family.
let me break down life here for you. i am really only doing all full time mom duties tuesdays through thursdays. and by full time i mean from about 8 am till roughly 3 pm.
my dad has friday's through monday's off. and if you know my dad, you know he moves around a lot. in fact, i am kind of surprised that i have been here for 2 months and my bedroom hasn't been rearranged... i'll have to talk to him about that. that was- without a doubt- one of my most favorite things about being a child, i would come home one day and my bedroom would be completely rearranged. i LOVED it. even know, at 55 years, my dad is still moving furniture around. and i still love it. it was a little habit i picked up over the last 10 years, constantly rearranging something to find a better way. i wonder why he wasn't rearranged my room... maybe its because he asked me kindly to please just clean my bed (glorified acting junk drawer) off so he could make my bed.
sheepish grin.
so my dad is home. and he is very engaged with the kids. although i do need to give him a couple of sleep in days. henry sleeps adjacent to my parents room and he wakes up at 5:15.
i don't. in fact, i have been here since january 14th? (serena?) and i haven't been woken up once.
i mentioned that i was spoiled right? don't feel to sorry for me, single mom of 4. no, don't feel sorry- be thankful with me! my parents have allowed me and the kids to completely uproot their lives. and i think they love it. even my brother eric. because henry loves to yell out eric's name.
plus my mom. she is here. all day. for me. i've watched her spend hours talking to my children. she'll drop anything to help me out. she makes the best dinners. she has great ideas for getting me and the kids on a good schedule. and she has basically sacrificed being a mom to 1 son at home, to know having 2 children at home, plus 4 slightly hyped up little ones.
it is in these moments that i am realizing that having 4 children in 4 years was... um... insert your own adjective here.
today was long. i overslept more than i wanted. and we all loaded up to go to bible study. it was adventurous just getting out the door- melt downs, falling spills, locating all our items. and we left for bible study (a 15 minute drive) at 9:27.
oh, bible study starts at 9:30. did i forget to mention that? but i wasn't deterred! i wanted to be there. even though i knew i wouldn't get to participate, these days i am trying to teach wilder how to go into the nursery. its a challenge. but i wanted to be around a group of women. i wanted that. and i wasn't going to let little hang-ups that usually hung me up stop me from going out alone with 4 children.
so we hit the road, sang our songs- henry always asks me to sing, mason knows the words now, and we drove.
and when we got there, i turned around to see that wilder had thrown up.
sure.
terrific.
but i was joyful. i had tried. i had given my best attempt. and you know what, it just didn't work out this time. i am slowly catching on to that i need to be joyful regardless of the outcome.
i cleaned my baby up, and we headed home.
by 5 pm, with no one excited about my dinner (which was awesome by the way) i was at that moment of... where is my BACK UP? my mom who hasn't been feeling well, came into help me, another adult at dinner. and my little brother took everyone outside to play. and then i plopped up on the kitchen counter and power ate york peppermint patties.
they are 70% lower in fat.
and delicious.
and i was thankful for the support. for the help. for someone to grab the kids and go enjoy them when i just need a moment to recharge. to clean the kitchen, to gear myself for the rest of the night.
and the rest of the night was long- baths and books, prayers and lots of talking.
it was long, but it was good.
and i realized. i couldn't be doing this without all the loving support i am getting. my friends- who are always available. my phone is constantly blowing up with people checking on me, praying for me, wanting to be there for me.
and my family. it is strange to be 30 years old and back home. and what's more, another brother comes home soon. it will be a full house. but it will be awesome.
in this moment, i am very happy. its 8:21, there is still so much more night to have. my dad comes home soon, i've got my music, and the occasional night time snacking (why can't i stop eating late at night??) and the knowing that tomorrow may be long- but there is so much to be thankful for. i have 4 beautiful children, who, as i am lovingly reminded:
are just kids.

in tears by 6:30

i have this private space in the world where i keep little notes to the bff. a little corner of the internet that we have long neglected.
and this morning, as i wake up way earlier than i want too, and prepare for my day, with music already blaring in my ears, and coffee not yet in my system, i find a little note that i wrote- almost 4 years ago- to the bff, for my sister.
and i sit here, with hot tears pouring down my cheeks, at the true Faithfulness of God, knowing that He doesn't leave us, He doesn't forsake us, and that His love for us is there.
and it all happens in His time.

from June of 2009:

to the bff:

I did devotions for the first time today. After i cleaned up from our fun (which only takes a few minutes when the children are contained!) and all i really wanted to do was either sit down and watch tv, or smock my dress.

but i knew better, i want to be an example to my children (even if they don't see me doing it, my heart reaps the benefits and that is the example)

and it was very worth it.

after my devotions, i felt (and i really feel strange saying this) that the Spirit was really moving me to write to my sister,

I wrote her this:

so i finally got down today to trying to find some time for devotions. something i have been neglecting for awhile. i started reading, Having Mary Heart in a Martha World.
basically meaning, going to worship the Lord, instead of letting yourself be overcome with work.
The author talks about the 3 deadly D's:
Distraction
Discouragement
Doubt
Satan distracts us so we take our eyes of the Lord, being distracted leads to being discouraged, which then leads us to doubting who God is.
something she talked about in the second chapter made me really think of you, she said that women really want itineraries from God- we want to now when things are going to happen, what the plan is, and we get frustrated when He doesn't give that to us.
but God only wants this: we need to trust Him.
So hard.
but if we can remember:
He has our ultimate good in mind.
He love us- how much love you want to give to your future children- He has that for you, but in spades. More than you can imagine. He feels your pain- and he wants to own it. He wants to take your pain, so that He can wrap HIS arms around you and allow you to feel warm.
You said that Steven wants this year, to see that God can create a miracle.
He may choose to do that, He may not.
But He will do something, and the miracle may not be what you expect.
Can you open your heart, and say, "yes Steven and yes Lord- I can trust, I can believe, I can hope" and know that whatever happens, the Lord is going to give to you everything you desire?
and what if a year goes by, and that trust doesn't lead to a baby? you will have spent a year, learning to trust and obey, both your husband and Your Creator and Savior.
And whatever happens- He has your ultimate good in mind. He will NOT leave you empty. But He will fill you up, with His love.
Can you say yes Lord?
Remember this song?
I'm trading my sorrow
I'm trading my shame
I'm laying it down for the joy of the Lord

I'm trading my sickness
I'm trading my pain
I'm laying it down for the joy of the Lord

Chorus:
And we say yes Lord yes Lord yes yes Lord
Yes Lord yes Lord yes yes Lord
Yes Lord yes Lord yes yes Lord Amen

I'm pressed but not crushed persecuted not abandoned
Struck down but not destroyed
I'm blessed beyond the curse for his promise will endure
And his joy's gonna be my strength

Though the sorrow may last for the night
His joy comes with the morning

let that be your song, and your prayer. Before you are anything, a wife, a daughter, a friend, and someday a mother- you are a daughter of God, and His promise will endure.
you are not living for today- but for eternity. where you will sit at His feet and worship. Where when you get goosebumps on your arms from feeling worship music- it is going to be like that, only magnified, like Christmas morning at Disneyland without any lines with Hillsong singing worship for ever, and with Jesus reigning King.
That is what you have to look forward to. A forever like that.
I am praying for you, I am praying that you can hand your burdens to the Lord- He will gladly take them.
I love you.

And i am not sure why at 6:38 am on a saturday morning i am sitting, crying. i am not sad. i see the faithfulness of the Lord. and i am reminded of my own words to my sister nearly 4 years ago, and how these words are still applicable, now to me. God wants us to trust Him.
written hope from 4 years ago, and new Hope which is arriving any day.
my hope rests in Him.

i am still confident of this: i will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord, be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.
Psalm 27:13-14

some nights.

"some nights i stay up cashing in my bad luck.... some nights i call it a draw"
and some nights, the Lord shows me more of who He wants me to be.
i have not be intentionally quiet these last few days. i was suffering from a bit of a stomach bug, that even today still doesn't feel quite right. however, i'm not complaining. it hasn't kept me down. and the Lord uses everything. everything.
i tend to stay up in my brain a lot. i tend to act and then dread what i've done. i told my sister i don't think i am an "over thinker" and she rolled her eyes. and then i realized what i do- i don't think things through first but after i choose a course or do something than i over think what i've done. and i tend to drive a lot of people crazy in the process.
mom, dad, ashley, serena: i am sorry.
i have this nagging desire to see everything in my life play out right now. i am not the most patient person in the world, and apparently it was evident from a young age (so says my dad).
patience is the first characteristic described about love in 1 corinthinans 13.
love is patient.
God is patient in His love to us.
God is love, so God is patient.
i am not patient. it is a fruit of the spirit. i can be patient. i need to be patient. not only because God asks me to patient, but because He desires me to patient because He wants what is best for me. He wants my good. and He knows that my patience will mold me into who He wants me to be. and through patience, amazing things will happen:

Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ,through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.
Romans 5:1-5

i have been guilty these days of lacking in trusting the Lord- even though i know i trust Him, and i want to trust Him- i have been failing in how i trust Him. and what i need to do. i need to trust in Him. and that means, being less in my mind. less over-thinking. instead, staying rooted in His Truth, and trusting Him with everything, and knowing that even if one little thing doesn't turn out the way i think it should or will, i am still standing strong in trusting Him.

i am still confident of this: i will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of living.
wait for the Lord, be strong and take heart, and wait for the Lord.
Psalm 27:13-14

this is my verse. this is me. i am confident- i trust- i will see the goodness of the Lord, i will wait for the Lord- i will be strong- i take heart- i will wait for the Lord.

that means, this girl must get out of her head. she must stop trying to figure everything out. she must wait for the Lord. she must cling to her confidence, she must be strong and take heart.
and why? because patience is a good thing. because i must count it all joy. because He wants me to have joy in my trials, and trust in His time, and that He will mold me into the woman He wants me to be in Him.
and there is something i know about myself, that i have known for awhile. i am an encourager. i can say this with complete confidence- because i know when i am encouraging someone, i feel different. i don't feel like myself. and feelings are fleeting. i am encouraging, because the Lord is doing something.

and all i really want is to be used by the Lord. i want to serve the Lord.

and when i allow my brain to dwell on things instead of trusting the Lord, i am taking myself away from the things He would be using me to do. yes- something life-changing (to put it mildly) has happened in my life, but He has given me joy, He is providing for all of my needs, His Grace is enough, and His blessings pour into this silly girl abundantly.
so: now it is time to get out of the pain, and into Him. and what He wants me to do.
1) devote myself to the ministry of motherhood; love and teach and cherish and train my beautiful children.
2) grow in Him.
3) encourage. be an encouragement, and be willing and able to encourage.
and you know what- if i am no good for the Lord, if i am not trusting Him, if i am not confident in Him, than how can i be any good for Him? He's standing next to me, saying, "hey, this situation might be a bit complicated, how about i take care of things, and could you just let Me use you, and love you, and will you the love the Lord your God, and Love others?"
sure.
terrific.
i'd be happy to.
but? let me dwell and put my brain through misery?
nope. someone slap some sense into me.
not literally... i bruise like a peach (never hit a woman... ross bruises like a peach)
but oh my goodness, i don't want to dwell in my brain- i want to LIVE in the Lord. i want to soak up His Truth, and i want to be USED for HIS GLORY.

"i guess its all alright, i've got nothing left inside of my chest, but it's all alright"

~ both quotes at the beginning and the end, were the first and last song i heard as i wrote this. seriously, i'm not making this up. this is the truth.

i am praying that i seek Him only, and not let myself dwell in confusion, but embrace His loving mercies, embrace the goodness in the land of the living, and that i draw near to Him so that He will draw near to me, and that i can be molded into a better woman for Him and be a blessing and a light of Him to all around me.

He is so good to me.

"that is brand new information"

dear sweet baby Hope,

my beautiful first ever niece. you are currently twisting and turning inside of your mama's tummy. its 1 am as i write this to you, and my guess is you are keeping your mama up. little does she know how much you will be keeping her up over the next many, many years. your name means so very much to me. because with your arrival you bring so much hope. i can still remember exactly where your mama was sitting when she told me she wanted to have a baby with your daddy. and it was a long road to get to where we are tonight. oh little Hope, you have been prayed for, you have been dreamed of, you have been loved deeply before you were formed. what a wonderful example of how much God loves us! because He loved us before we were even formed. and we can see such a clear example of that in you! so many of us loved and prayed for you before you were growing in your mother's belly. but we wanted you, we knew you- even when we didn't know you. but we loved you.
your parents are very special people. you will be a joy to your mother, and the sunshine for your dad. and what's more, they will love you, and care for you, and teach you about the One who created you.
soon you will be here. soon we will see your beautiful face, and we will hear your small cries. soon you will grasp your mother's finger, and look into your father's eyes. soon we will get to love you on the outside, and we have so wonderfully loved you on the inside.
i am so thankful for you little Hope. because i know what i learned when i became a mother, and it was forever changing in me. when i held your big cousin campbell for the first time, i was just overwhelmed with love. not for him- i mean i loved him- but i was overwhelmed with love for the Lord. i knew how much i loved my son, which is just as much as your mother and father are about to love you, and as i held him i realized, God loves me more than this. even MORE than this- in fact so much, that He sacrificed His son, for all of my sins, so that i could love Him forever in heaven. that i could be a child of God, that i would be loved and could have a deep relationship with my Father in heaven. and my dear sweet baby Hope, your parents are about to experience that on a level they cannot even imagine.
you are about to change so many lives, oh Hope, how the Lord has used your little life for so many years even before you were in existence. you are blessing beyond belief. a little piece of God's goodness.
as much as i cannot wait to meet you, and see your little fingers and little toes and watch you nurse on your mama's breast, i cannot wait to see you laying across your mother's chest, and watch the joy of the Lord come over her. i cannot wait to see you cradled in your father's arms and see him connect with His Father even more.
oh sweet baby Hope. we are ready to meet your beautiful face. we are not ready to love you, because we already love you.

unintentionally quiet.

dork alert. get ready. i'm listening to newsboy's greatest hits right now. and yes, i'm dancing just a bit. i'm supposed to be cleaning my room... sure its almost 1 am. but its really a mess. and i don't sleep a ton these days. i'm even debating doing my Wednesday workout right now, just because i have an accountability buddy for working (love you jill!) and i think i would be more prone to do it right now, than i will in the 4-5 hours of sleep that will pass from now to then.

so instead of cleaning off my messy bed, i plopped down on the floor. my computer is on the floor, which i am not sure why because everything else that i own seems to be on my bed. seriously. there is a tiny carved out space for me.
"come on monica, you don't even have a bed, you sleep in a ball on the floor".
ahh. my youth and the newsboys. trust and obey, there is no other way. so true. complete truth.

yesterday i was wonderfully blessed by another care package(a little journal, bookmark, darling notecards, and the experiencing God devotional and candy). and i just know realized i forgot to text my dear friend to tell her thank you. and its 4 am her time... so i guess i could in a few hours. it is amazing to me how many people are truly clinging to me. its amazing. to feel a body of believers just surround you with love. this is just one of the many ways God will be glorified by what is happening. people- coming together in His name to offer love and support and kindness.
it rocks. thank you Vera, for your gift of love, i so appreciate it.

i just want to serve Him. bottom line.
and i am learning more and more how i can do that:
~ my ministry of motherhood. being a mom. loving my precious 4 babies. connecting with them, showing and teaching them who God is by my words but more importantly by my actions.
~ my actions. then my words. i can say anything i mean, really. ok, not anything. i can barely pronounce carousing. not sure why. but my actions need to be a representation of who He is. and how much He loves us, and how He is worthy of my praise. i'm not always a perfect representation.... in fact, i fall short more than i feel like i reach even an inch off the ground- but i have gumption! and i have Him! and the desire- i want to draw near to Him.
~ how i love.
“Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?”Jesus replied: “ ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’
Matthew 22:36-39

so. i guess if you are praying for me- you could pray for those 3 things. and if you want to know more to pray for, you can email me directly.
and, if i can pray for you. i'd kinda like to. big time.

oh, and why the nostalgia for newsboys tonight? on Sunday at church during communion "In Christ Alone" was played, just the music. and i remembered how i loved the newsboy's rendition. and then it was really placed on my heart tonight. and i've listened to it several times. then i moved on to the greatest hits. then i decided to stop cleaning my bed, clean my eye makeup brushes and then plop on the ground. i got sorta distracted. and it's almost 1 am.
"i hold my breath and i wait for you to breathe"
i really do love music. which is why you'll find me worshiping in heaven.

In Christ alone my hope is found
He is my light, my strength, my song
This Cornerstone, this solid ground
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm
What heights of love, what depths of peace
When fears are stilled, when strivings cease
My Comforter, my All in All
Here in the love of Christ I stand

In Christ alone, who took on flesh
Fullness of God in helpless babe
This gift of love and righteousness
Scorned by the ones He came to save
'Til on that cross as Jesus died
The wrath of God was satisfied
For every sin on Him was laid
Here in the death of Christ I live

There in the ground His body lay
Light of the world by darkness slain
Then bursting forth in glorious Day
Up from the grave He rose again
And as He stands in victory
Sin's curse has lost its grip on me
For I am His and He is mine
Bought with the precious blood of Christ

No guilt of life, no fear in death
This is the power of Christ in me
From life's first cry to final breath
Jesus commands my destiny
No power of hell, no scheme of man
Can ever pluck me from His hand
'til He returns or calls me home
Here in the power of Christ I'll stand

in Christ alone. He's got me.
He's got me.

quick.

thankfulness. i am really enjoying listing off the random little reflections i have of what i am thankful for. partly because it lets me look back and see just what a dork i am.

201) a beautiful baby shower my sweet sister and soon to be here Hope.

202) seeing cousins, aunts, and grandmas that i haven't seen in many (10?) years.

203) always being the life of the party.... bazinga!

204) driving paul's little calberiet and once again having it stop running.... and having it start rolling backwards into traffic... and just praying, "come on Jesus!" without bitterness.

205) the 4 separate attempts of gunning the engine and hoping for inches of movement towards a parking spot.

206) feeling slightly embarrassed as i thought, everyone is watching me trying to push this little car into a parking lot. then thinking, well, if everyone is watching i probably should smile pretty big.

207) laughing with the girl in the car parked next to me, and nodding at each other with big smiles and thumbs up as i got the car to inch little by little.

208) i am thankful for the gentleness He is growing in me.

209) starting James in church today. me thinks i will find it applicable.

210) plans to spend my morning and afternoon with my youngest brother.

211) music that makes me think i can dance: i cannot dance. nope.

212) 1 Peter 4.

213) the peace the Lord gives to me.

truth.

Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another, be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble. Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing.
For, Whoever would love life and see good days must keep his tongue from evil and his lips from deceitful speech.
He must turn from evil and do good; he must seek peace and pursue it. For the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous and his ears are attentive to their prayers, but the face of the Lord is against those who do evil.
Who is going to harm you if you are eager to do good? But even if you should suffer for what is right, you are blessed. Do not fear what they fear; do not be frightened. But in your hearts set apart Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect, keeping a clear conscience so that those speak maliciously against your good behavior in Christ may be ashamed of their slander. It is better, if it is God's will to suffer for doing good than for doing evil. For Christ died for sins once for all, the righteous for the unrighteous, to bring you to God.
1 Peter 3: 8-18

never has been more imperative that i be STILL and TRUST in the Lord. He has given me a fast moving tongue (and honestly fast moving fingers as well) and i must use my tongue, my words, my fingers for HIS glory. i must not let my heart dwell on anger or anxiety.
and sometimes i do feel like a bear being poked with a stick.
"hey bear, its me Mike".
let it go Mary. HE wants everything,
He can have everything. He has me. He loves me. the number of hairs on my head are counted, even as they fall and land on my sweatshirt. the sparrows are fed. every moment on earth is accounted for by Him.
He is the creator of the universe.
take my heart Lord. it is Yours. You know that it is. i see Your Truth. i find peace and rest in your WORDS.
every step has brought me here. everything.
rocking out to a little music, layered up in my bed with a fan blowing on my face, with a baby shower to attend in a few hours, surrounded by loving friends, prayers that are being so felt that my heart feels lifted as a helium balloon in the sky, with my Bible at my side, His Words etched on my heart, with moments that i feel weak and times where i know it is so He will be the strength.
i am so not perfect. thankfully that is not a prerequisite for His love.
i'm become broken so He can build me back.
clay, a potter.
a willing woman who wants to be better. so much better for Him. He is my trust. He is my hope. He is my Savior. He can do anything. He will do anything. My shield, My strength.
I rest in His loving kindness, His forgiveness.
And I ask Lord, to quiet my heart. to let the words out of my mouth always be pleasing to You. Lord show me Your truth, and let my life be used to bring you glory.
in all situations- i will never ask why, i will simply open my arms and let You use me for Your Glory.
"i put one foot, in front of the other one."
i will walk towards the Lord, and the Hope i have in Eternity.

sometimes.

sometimes the only thing i need to be thinking or sharing is the simple truth of God's Word.

For this reason, ever since I heard about your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love for all the saints. I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers. I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe.
That power is is like the working of his mighty strength, which he exerted in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly-realms, far above all rule and authority, power and dominion and every title that can be given, not only in the present age but also in the one to come.
And God placed all things under his feet and appointed him to be head over everything for the church, which is body, the fullness of him who fills everything in every way.

Ephesians 1:15-22

throw your stones. i am thankful.

i couldn't be more broken. unless perhaps i was a piece of china dropped from a high spot onto granite floor. then i am sure i would broken into so many pieces. but. i am broken.
headphones on my ears, a pounding headache in my brain. desperate for things i cannot control.

thankfulness. i will remain thankful. i will be thankful. and i will not believe the lies.

My God is so big, so strong and so mighty, there is nothing my God cannot do.

178) a very long hug from my brother Eric, and his kindness to my beautiful children.

179) reading an entire Flat Stanely book with Campbell and Mason, having Campbell's eagerness to hear the story, and Mason's head on my shoulder.

180) the promise of a hug from my brother Paul, as he drives across country as fast as he can to be here with me.

181) meeting the lovely lady that has stolen my brother's heart.

182) knowing that in just a few days a beautiful new life will be in this world.

183) looking down at my phone and seeing constant encouragement.

184) feeling the Lord wrap His arms around me, with His Words, His truth, and the people He places in my arms.

185) a stolen black hooded sweatshirt from my sister.

186) a "borrowed" striped scarf from my sister.

187) 5 tickets to FUN. and the thought of crowd surfing.

188) Andy. my college friend from the days when life was different. not necessarily better, but different. i love this boy.

189) finding a scent that makes me smile. i never wear perfume. i also never wear nail polish.

190) accepting that my 30's will be the start of my real walk with the Lord.

191) being 30.

192) Lisa Weiss. a woman who lost a love we won't all experience, and who in her pain, the Lord gives her kindness towards me.

193) Paige Denim. these jeans work for me.

194) coloring with my Henry and knowing my soon to be 3 year old knows all his letters.

195) trusting the Lord with my children.

196) thankfully trusting.

197) cookie-dough ice cream.

198) savoring.

199) "im the hulk, i'm the hulk, i'm the hulk" and all the other things that make me laugh.

200) being a fast moving red blur.

Utter randomness of a stranded girl.

Life cracks me up. I don't remember ever pushing a broke down car before. It was more fun than I thought it would be. The Lord is forever faithful to me. As my little brother's car continued to stall and stall as I was driving, He protects me. No one slammed into me. No one even honked. Honking makes me sad.

I perched in a Starbucks, sipping coffee, and thoroughly enjoying the humor in the situation. I am always brought back to my Lord. And I love it. I am not helpless. I am taken care of.

And I am so happy I slipped earbuds in my purse. The Starbucks worker might not be, as I'm having a private rock out session right now. Some nights. So good. And my baby brother wants to go with his 30 year old sister. Poor kid, he will be thoroughly embarrassed as I try to dive for the stage. Oh well, i'm only young once, right? And somehow I feel 16 half the time. The earbuds and dancing around probably doesn't help.

This morning SUCKED. But you know what? The Lord is faithful and good.

I'm going to let you all in on 2 secrets:

1) I am not PERFECT in the way I talk to Sam. I'm sorry. He cheated on me. He broke my heart. Forgiveness is an on going process. And pain is real. Super real. And frustrating. And so you know what- I am not perfect. But that doesn't mean I don't love the Lord or always want to seek Him. It just means I am a sinner who desperately needs her Savior. And wine. And coffee. And probably 610 other things- but my Savior- His grace is sufficient. He gives me love. He has my heart.

2nd secret- I realize the microscope I am under. Every move I make is watched. And my mind wants to work on overdrive. But I'm not going to let it. I rest in HIS truth. And it comforts me. Nothing can separate me from the love of my Savior.

So. This is all of me. I am an imperfect girl in every way. But I am FAITHFUL. He has always been the Lord of my life and I will keep my gaze happily directed on Him.

And I will cling to the word of God.

And Yorks. And earbuds. And laughter from 4 children.

And the smiles sent my way.

God's love is there. God's love is here. HE is faithful.

My maker loves me.

And the sun is shinning today. The wind has been fierce, and it shows me His strong presence. And the sun is His faithfulness.

And The Son is my hope, and joy, an salvation.

"it gets better, it gets better"

I love music in my ears.

happy thoughts for a happy heart.

that's one of the labels i use for some of my posts. it comes from how i feel after watching Madame Blueberry from veggie tales. i love veggie tales.
"a thankful heart is a happy heart".
and you know what- i think that i might have the happiest heart in the world. because i am just so thankful for all that the Lord has done for me.

"you give and take away, my heart will choose to say, Lord Blessed by Your Name"

He does take away. He took the old life i had, and gave me all His love. i know from the outside looking in, it must just look odd. i mean, my entire life over the last 10 years was just picked up and dumped upside down. but you know what really happened- all the sin and darkness and pain and sorrow and hurt and sadness that is what got dumped out. the Lord picked my life up, and held on to me, and shook everything else off of me.
He took. and He gave. and my heart pretty much shouts as loud as it can, Blessed is HIS Name.
and how am i really not so sad and devastated? well, honestly, sin overtakes every area of your life, and the sin that was in my marriage pretty much consumed and destroyed any good. and i am thankful to the Lord for the pain that was happening for so long, because when the Lord shook it off of me, i was left with my Savior. and the path He put me on. and i'm not lost. i mean, sure, i don't always know where north is(apparently its always the top of a map) but i know that with my eyes focused on the Lord i can follow His path for me.
a thankful heart IS a happy heart.

157) there's a little girl sitting next to me pretending to be a dog.

158) and 10 minutes before we were playing beauty shop. i love how quick her mind can jump from one thing to the next.

159) some night. new music from my second favorite band.

160) for constant encouragement.

161) for the boys at my coffee shop. i can say boys. they are either soooooo young, or i am really old. yesterday, alex looked at me and said i looked frustrated (cause i'm usually perky and laughing) and derek just looked at my frustrated face and said, "perseverance". i tip these young boys well. i am thankful for pleasant faces that now my struggles, and actually care about the old woman sitting at the bar.

162) hugs from my sister Jess. be able to greet her with a latte and a smile. the grace that God gives.

163) headphones that don't stick in my ears.

164) for reassurance on my fronts that the headphones don't make me look like a major dork.

165) confidence in knowing i am a total dork. and that's okay.

166) dancing with all of my kids today. watching little Henry's dance moves. sadly too similar to mine. poor kid.

167) texts from my little brother Paul. he's coming home soon. it makes me happy. very happy.

168) a message from Serena that made me laugh so loud Campbell came to see what was wrong.

169) for knowing the Lord has been in His arms, even when i am confused.

170) my mother who makes me dinner every night.

171) resting in knowing that His Grace is enough.

172) remembering to draw on the truth of the Lord when in difficult situations. and seeing a change of behavior in myself- drawing closer to Him, being better for Him.

173) for mengage toi red wine, mushrooms, and jack cheese.

174) the huge hugs from an eager 18 month old baby.

175) new music in my headphones. i know i was already thankful for new music. but i'm really thankful.

176) campbell, mason, henry, and wilder. the 4 most amazing things i have ever done. my ministry.

177) the freedom from darkness to be a better mom. not perfect. if i were perfect i wouldn't need Jesus.

i am a very thankful woman. i have a very happy heart.
if you would, pray for my baby sister. she has to have a tooth pulled tomorrow. no drugs. i can't even think about it without my body going fairly numb. she is brave for that baby of hers. already sacrificing her own comfort for her daughter.
she's a mom already, and she doesn't even realize it.

my Gus, my Jonathan.

my dear Serena,

i have started a blog post about you a couple of times. and nothing was really being worded correctly. and so then i thought- hey, why not just write you a letter? i mean, its not like you and i communicate contstanly or anything. i mean, sure, a lot of our communication is done through goofy emoticons throughout the day. you know, hearts, dancing cat girls, koalas and sunflowers.
i've blogged about you before. because that's pretty much how much you rock my life.
but lately, you have pretty much gone above and beyond the call of being a best friend. and i am so thankful to the Lord for you. how could i have gotten through this last month and a week of my life without you? how???
you know how much i love a birthday. and i'm really bummed that i stole all the attention of your birthday this year. i hate being a selfish friend with you. and here it was, your birthday, and what were you doing? well, first of all, coming to my aid as i was sick and had been left alone with 4 children. you have such a servants heart- even if you don't believe it. and then, when i told you my suspicions, you didn't leave my side. you didn't leave my side. that was tremendous. because i was a mess, and you knew i was a mess. and in any phenomenal friendship, when one friend is hurting the other just steps in and takes care of it. and you did. you took care of my children like a sister would, you listened to me talk over and over again. you made sure i ate. and even when i was a panic, you were a soft reminder, "it might not be as bad as you think it is".
soothing, soft words.
i think how funny it is that i met you at starbucks. i mean, shouldn't that place bare horrible memories for me? but how can it? through starbucks the Lord brought me you.
my favorite thing about where our friendship is now, is how we can seriously communicate without speaking. and not in the goofy way they make fun of in bridesmaids- we seriously can communicate without speaking. of course, usually when we don't speak and just look at each other it instantly brings about laughter.
oh my goodness, have i laughed harder with anyone else? i should really print out the endless pages of google chats we have shared. but i don't think i can afford the printer ink for that.
you let me bounce all of my idiotic ideas off of you. all of them.
you are my sounding board.
you hear me tell the same stories over and over again. and then over and over again.
you check in on me.
you love me. and in that David and Jonathan way. that total trust and lay down your life kind of love. i know it, cause i feel it for you.
and the hardest thing about being in washington is missing you. hugging those sweet girls good-bye at starbucks. missing them.
we can always modify plan y. we can.
and make cinnamon rolls in heaven.
our friendship had grown so much this last year. a lot of loss, a lot of pain, a lot of challenges as being a mother and being a wife. and we had each other, to encourage each other, and talk things out.
and we do like to bake together. and talk about food. in fact, it would be pretty fair to assume that 20% of our talking was just about what we wanted to eat.
outside of my 4 beautiful children, you are the best thing to come out of 10 years of pain and lies. and i'd go through another 10 years if it meant i would have you as my best friend.
you are my Jonathan in how deep i know you care.
you are my Gus in how much utter goofy fun we have together. i mean... seriously... those late night google chats. seriously. i'm just nodding. that's all i can do.
you are also my Gus in that you do all the driving. even we when we are staking out people.
you drove me home. to my family. i ran to you, my friend, when the Lord took my life and flipped it upside down. but He didn't flip you. you were there. constant, consistent, loyal and faithful. and even with some mama bear/baby cubs furry.
you stayed up all night with me, and basically didn't leave my side until that train came to take you away.
there is no way i can tell you adequately how much i love you. i trust you with my deepest thoughts and my deepest dreams. you know my heart.
i am so thankful for you. so thankful. even though you may not think it true, i see more of who i want to be when i look at you. i am encouraged by you and your heart.
not everyone gets a friend like this. a friend who sticks this close. iron sharpening iron.
and even 2 states away, it hasn't changed us. you still make me laugh harder than anyone. you still send me emoticons, you still listen to me talk and cry.
the first week in washington i barely remember, but i do see you in the memories, there. always there.
it takes a certain woman to calmly drive a broken woman and her 4 loud children 12 + hours in a van... straight through.
i am looking forward to this next stage of our friendship. i am thankful that i have you. and i hope that i can be half as good of a friend to you, as you are to me. lately its been all about me, and i kinda hate that. less attention for the dorky red head please.
and you want to know something cool? if the Lord allows it, and i get remarried- you get to be in my wedding! even if its just a small little affair. how super cool is that? i mean really?
i know you aren't a lover of attention- at all- and so you will probably be a little red in the face over this, but please.
how can i not tell everyone in the world how i am so very lucky? i mean, look how much the Lord loves me? 6 1/2 years ago He brought you into my life so that at this time- right now- i would have a loyal, loving, terrific friend you would be at my side. He just loves me so much. God's Sovereign plan.
this blog post really doesn't do how awesome i think you are justice. but it will no doubt bring many gals out of the background with the strong desire to be your friend- because you are that amazing-
just remember- you already have a best friend.
me. Shawn. the one who always has something ridiculous to say out of my mouth and can quote most tv shows. and the David to your Jonathan. i'm not sure why i picked you as Jonathan, and me as David.
let me know if you want to switch.
i love you, my dear friend. thank you for how much you sacrificed this last month, and how you showed me Christ's love through the way you served me and my children.

gracias.

well, its about that time of night when my gratitude becomes overly obnoxious.

132) blue embroidery floss that looks pretty on a ivory fabric.

133) painless tattoos.... aka... the little doodles i draw over my hands.

134) having dinner and wine with my dad. he always makes me laugh.

135) face-timing with 4 little ones.

136) technology in general. it makes me happy.

137) driving around in my brother's volkswagen cabriolet. way,way,way to much fun. and it didn't help me feel any less 16.

138) speaking of feeling 16- when you reconnect with a girlfriend you haven't seen since you were 16, that pretty much settles you back in your youth. i love you Kate! your beautiful face brought me unspeakable amounts of joy today. whiskey sours soon!

139) finding myself in the Lord.

140) finding myself outside of the darkness. i might be cool..ish.

141) looking on my bed and seeing many things made by my best friend.

142) the youthful face i apparently possess. its always nice to be asked how high school is going.

143) loyal friends-Vera, Serena, and many more, who text you when they want you to know they love you.

144) sweet Lisa and her beautiful heart.

145) blue fingernail polish.

146) glasses. we need them to see. we need them to drink. they are quite useful. if anyone knows were i left mine, i'd be quite happy to get them back.

147) SALVATION. i get to spend eternity being happier than i can ever imagine, worshiping my Lord.

148) getting lost in downtown Tacoma, and not caring. letting the patience that the Lord is teaching me start to really sink in.

149) getting free coffee refills. even after i spill coffee on a "lead barista".

150) i'm thankful for the reassuring text i received tonight. an answer to pray, i don't mean to worry, but i am thankful that things are okay.

151) songs that build.

152) my brother Paul. he's coming home. i'm starting to get oddly excited.

153) i'm really thankful for my hair. i know that sounds stupid. but its a color that not a lot of people have, and i'm really thankful that the Lord gave me something different.

154) i'm just happy. i am so happy. the pain and confusion has past. i don't like hearing more truths, but the happiness doesn't go away. its there. consistent.

155) my Bible reading plan. i just love what i am learning in the Word. i just love reading the Word. and i'm thankful for the tree that is on the front of my Bible.

156) air-drumming and a bedroom door that locks :)

the darkness and happiness.

i'm not 30. it just can't be possible. i'm air drumming for crying out loud. i throw in my earbuds and dance around my bedroom. i just can't be 30. not when i feel 16 half the time, not when half the people who see me think i am 23. i just can't be 30. really? how? how is that possible?
i'm just so spry.

but i'm thankful. i'm thankful, i start a new decade of my life focused on the Lord. i'm thankful for the 4 beautiful children that i love.

115) the silly things my children say throughout the day, i can barely remember half of them, and even when i am most frustrated, i think that if i were just to rest in what they say, i would find all my happiness.

116) for fixed and returned computers. missing computers are lame.

117) for the ability to air drum in the privacy of my bedroom.

118) music that still isn't loud enough in my ears, but it makes me happy.

119) for sweet Cedar. her heart makes me happy, i wish i could wrap my arms around her and love on her. i know the pain she feels, and it sucks. and she is sweet and repentant. and so very close to my heart.

120) my friend Courtney for taking me out for beers (3) that's right, i drank 3 beers. how cool am i am?

121) fish tacos. be still my heart. i love fish tacos.

122) my earbuds. and the music that loudly plays in them.

123) i'm thankful my best friend had a wonderful day with her family. i don't know yet if it were wonderful, but i love her to pieces.

124) everyday we get closer to sweet Hope arriving in this world. and that makes me happy.

125) as i hand my children over to visitation with Sam and his family, i realize how much harder this would be if i were still breastfeeding, and i am thankful for God's perfect timing.

126) for the Format. or the band that was the Format, and is now FUN. either way, i love their music. all of it. and it blares in my ears.

127) i'm thankful for the creative brain that the Lord has given me.

128) for being up high on a seesaw, choosing to see the good. all the good. but thankful for the balance that the Lord provides. He loves me.

129) for punching in a dream. i'm punching in a dream, heck, i'm punching in mid air.

130) for hope. i have so much hope. hope in a friendship with Cedar, hopefulness in more truth, hopefulness in the Lord. hope in what He will do with me. not can do- WILL DO!

131) gaining confidence. in Him. in what He will do.

back and forth

i'm underlining in my Bible. i've been going back and forth between orange and pink. both new pens, both from serena. the orange and pink aren't turning out well for writing verses on my hands, and sadly, the delicate handwriting that serena had done on my hand before i left to fly home was rubbed away much quicker than i expected. apparent airport flying nerves.
her handwriting is much better than mine.
but this post isn't about handwriting. and its not about pink and orange lines in my Bible. i had an idea once to read a Bible every year, and make notes and then eventually give a Bible to each of my children. recently i had an idea to start get a new Bible, and to devote an entire year to a different color of underlining. maybe i'll end up putting both of my hands together there.

I pray that you may be active in sharing your faith, so that you will have a full understanding of every good thing we have in Christ. Your love has given me great joy and encouragement, because you, brother, have refreshed the hearts of saints.
Philemon 1:6-7

i underlined this passage yesterday, and right next to it i wrote "this is what i want".
and now i clarify for myself- i don't want this- i want to be this. maybe its a lofty goal. but i am a fan of lofty goals.
i want to share my faith. for so many years i sat in my house, trying very hard to balance a life that didn't exactly share my faith with anyone but other believers. in fact, i felt concerned that i didn't want my walk to make anyone "uncomfortable". you know, not wanting to mention the Lord or that i loved Him, because i was worried people would feel like i was preaching at them.
its embarrassing to admit how reserved i kept my walk with the Lord. reserved. try hidden. even here, on this blog, that has taken just a "teeny" bit of a directional change.
i don't want to ever be like that again. my old self is over. over! i'm not worried or afraid anymore of what people think about my walk with the Lord. i am not ashamed for a stranger on the street to know that i think Jesus is freaking amazing, or that He loves me despite my constant shortcomings and sins.
WHO Jesus is, and what HE has done for us on the CROSS is NOT something to be ashamed of.
i mean, maybe the fact that when standing out in the dark and i am asked to find the direction north and the moon is out and wide and i still can't find north, now maybe that is something i should be embarrassed about.
i am directionally challenged. however when north is pointed out, i can find south. ish.
i am directionally challenged with the LORD no longer. my eyes are upward. focused on Him. focused on eternity. on a forever with Him. and even though there are nights where i have a little to much to drink and i cry and cry, i still know where He is. He's got me.

i am still confident of this; I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.
Psalm 27:13-14

who is good at waiting? i mean really? especially in this instant gratification world that we are living in. i've noticed slight changes in myself already though. i don't feel rushed. cars can go slow in front of me. its more time to sing super loud. people can be slow in the grocery line, its more time for me to stand a pray. i can wait in an airport parking lot for sam's mother to come while the kids fuss and whine and.... okay, that was admittedly harder to focus and pray during- but i did. and kept offering the kids snacks. and listened to Psalm 121 or as the kids call it "the up and down song". although mr. campbell finally asked for the "moving on song". turns out if i play the same song over and over again they do like it.

I pray that you may be active in sharing your faith, so that you will have a full understanding of every good thing we have in Christ. Your love has given me great joy and encouragement, because you, brother, have refreshed the hearts of saints.
Philemon 1:6-7

so. i will be active in sharing my faith. because if there is one thing that i know right now it is all the good things that we have in Christ. starting with the best, forever with Him. and then everything else. how i can be weak and He will be strong, how He will carry my burdens, how He will LOVE me, how He provides ALL i need. how He is my constant friend.
and i'm sorry- but if i can't give great joy and encouragement than i am not doing what He is asking me to do! i am an encourager. it is my gift.
and i want to refresh hearts. but not because of me- i don't want my actions or words or anything to be what refreshes, but i want it to be HIM. i want what Christ is doing in my life to just ooze out of me and spread.
because i am not doing any of this on my own. it is HIM. it is HIM. it is HIM and His new mercies everyday, His compassions.
the greatest thing about my current situation, is that i know who needs to be given my great joy and encouragement right now. and they are all downstairs eating breakfast with their nana.
talk about drilling it in hard. loving joy, loving encouragement, and finding my way to be the Godly mother they need- the Christ centered mother to 4 children that i have been entrusted with.

and so. i must be focused. on Him. my eyes- yes my directionally challenged eyes at times. upward.
if my heart was a compass, you'd be north.