interesting.

i meant to have this post yesterday, but something was wrong with blogger... or my internet... possibly both.

today has been good. not great by any means, but good. and i will happily take good as opposed to want to pull my hair out-send all my children to separate homes- and find a way to move to mexico. good is great.
so what made it good? did i have extra realms of patience hidden in a box? no, not necessarily. the things that usually annoyed me still annoyed me, however, my reaction to my children wasn't nearly as harsh (insert awful). was there no mess to clean? ha. i wish. but not really, re-organizing the school stuff and toys is something i enjoy. were there no fights? wrong again, there were plenty of arguments. did i get 3 hours of joyful bliss while everyone napped at the same time? nope, that would have been nice. i'd settle for 3 down at the same time, but today i just got 2. better than 0.
did i get hours of alone time this morning? try waking up to children stowing away in my bed. but sam had left before 6 and the coffee was made- not ready to brew- made.

so why was today good?
well. there was one thing different today than the days in the past week (ok, month).
i read my Bible this morning. and the day's passage from Jesus Calling by Sarah Young, a book i highly recommend.
so, was i met with amazing insight and hope and new understanding?
no. not really even a little.. the passage from Jesus' Calling was really great (they always are) and i read the first several chapters in Ephesians. but i didn't exactly walk away with anything profound.
but i just realized- i didn't need to. i have been really reluctant to turn to my Bible for any wisdom lately- because nothing really feels like it will be a solution- i mean, its not like i will turn to my Bible and suddenly, miraculously have better behaved children or even more patience. or its not like i will turn to my Bible and feel totally different.
i found today, that just even the act of turning to my Bible, of saying, "ok Lord, I might not know what good this will do, but i trust you".
Draw near to Him, and He will draw near to you.
that's all i did today, i took a few extra minutes out of morning, drew near to Him, and now that i reflect on my day, i realize, He drew near to me. and not that i profoundly felt it like angels singing from the heavens, but i know it.
and that is a start.

august.

i have decided that i do not like the month August. it is my husband's birthday, and i love him dearly, but i don't like this month.

in 2008 right around August sam and i were hit with the surprise of a 3rd baby, we found out his brother had cancer, and there was a really emotionally draining situation at his store.

in 2009 in August, we had a horrible batch of the flu. it affected all 3 kids and it lasted for an entire month- the month of August.

in 2010 i was planning on having a baby. well, that baby decided to come in September. also, i would say Sam and i were working through some marital things.

in 2011. well, i spent some time in washington (in july) and came home to Sam opening his new store. well, he's probably worked 250 hours this month. and the month isn't over. we are starting our homeschool year, and already i am changing my mind about EVERYTHING, i am really emotionally and mentally wiped, and pulled in many directions.

august just kind of blows.

so, how do i wrap up the rest of this month?

i know that i need to find some new direction- or at least refocus my direction. i know that i need a lot more of Jesus. a LOT more.

honestly, it is just so hard. everything else in life seems so immediate- i feel sad, so i have a bite of chocolate, solution. i feel stressed so i power walk on the elliptical, solution. i need to vent, i call a friend- solution (although, i never call anyone, i text or google chat- you know, our new version of communication).

but i know that i am missing what is the most important. i know that i am not finding any true joy. that i am lacking and losing things that really matter.

my problem- that i fail to be like Jesus. categorically fail so miserably every day. every second. and what does it say in the Bible (and i know it is there, but i am way to lazy at the moment to find the reference) draw near to God and He'll draw near to you.

isn't that what i need? so badly?

why can't i do that.

i need the fruits of the spirit, i need the Spirit, i need to be different. i need a month of the year to not be something i begin to dread, but instead try to see it how God can use it, and use me.

i think i need a lot of things.

i need a place to start.

any ideas would be greatly appreciated.

i return with a story

for those of you who don't know last week Sam opened a new drive thru Starbucks in our little town. Sam has been a manager for Starbucks for, gee, 9 years? yeah, 9 consecutive years (that's also how long we have been married- he worked for Starbucks in college, moved to Redding, quit, then worked at a little place called Coffee Creek- after we got married i told him to go back to Starbucks... ok, gently encouraged.) and he has been up managing the Starbucks in our town for about 4 years? i know he changed stores when i was pregnant... but i've been pregnant a lot.
anyways. the "old" store was pretty dirty. and small. really small for how busy they were. and it was constantly under criticism for just how dirty it was. a lot of it was out of Sam's control- some of it wasn't. it was really frustrating for him.
about a year ago (maybe more) Starbucks decided that it was going to move the "old"store and was going to put over 1 million smackeroo's into a brand new HUGE store.
well, this sort of talk had been going on for quite awhile. but, it was finally really happening. and Sam and i both assumed he would get the "new" store.
yeah. that was an assumption. this new store was held over Sam's head. he really had a lot to prove, a lot to clean, and had to work really, really hard. the thought of Sam not getting this store was really devastating to us both. he'd been with the company for so long, it would be really embarrassing- plus would he have to commute to a new store? would he be fired? would he quit?
a very long wait.
which is over. last week- last wednesday at 4, Sam opened the brand new Starbucks. drive-thru, huge, huge, huge lobby, fancy pancy leed certified store (that's something to do with all local recycled goods that made the store)
it has been very exciting. and a lot of stress, and a lot of work for Sam. since monday morning when the old store closed, Sam has been working about 14-16 hours every day. we haven't seen a lot of him.
single parenting is not a lot of fun.
anyways- i am really, really proud of him. for both his consistent perseverance to prove himself ready to be given the new store, and just how hard he is working to make this store a success. and success it is: every day since the store has been opened they have more than doubled the business they usually see. its been- crazy.
so, i wanted to get him a present. i'm not sure if i have mentioned on here before, but a couple of years ago my husband decided he wanted to be a mountain climber.
when we met he said he like to camp. that was it. occasionally ride a motorcycle (which he has never done since we were married) but camping. back packing maybe.
but mountain climbing.
ugh. i have tried to be supportive. but it takes a lot of time- away from the house, training... and the gear- oh my goodness, the gear he buys. and- its dangerous.
then he decided he wanted to kayak...
anyways. i wanted to get him a gift he could use and enjoy, um here. something that wouldn't take him out of the house (because we do have 4 kids) one that wasn't dangerous (because- um we have 4 kids) and also, with the new store he won't have a ton of free time.
well, about 5 years ago, Sam enjoyed very much playing a little game called Madden Football.
have you heard of it?
when we had it on our N64, i really loved playing it with him. then he got a playstation and got way better than me. way better.
i still really enjoyed watching it.
every year the new Madden (cause remember the NFL changes yearly) would come out conveniently during Sam's birthday week- which is right now!
well, a couple of years ago, our old play station broke. and we never fixed it.
and Sam's been living, Madden free.
so- i thought he would be so surprised if i replaced the Play Station (with a PS3) and then for his birthday his parents would get him Madden.
but.... where is the fun in that?
i kind of can't resist doing things a little um, different.
so i told Sam that i got him a gift. and he got really excited.
and i got very mischievous.
i decided it would be very fun to play a little joke on him. so, i told him that i was really nervous about the present that i got for him, that i wasn't sure if he would like it (he assured me he would, that anything from me is great) and i told him this:
well, its just a little something small, to show you how proud of you i am, its nothing i've ever gotten you before, and its something you can keep with you and see it and know how proud i am of you.
i then proceeded to go to amazon.com and find this:
ok- for those of you who don't know Sam, this is NOT his taste. really, really, not.
so, i printed a picture of this out, wrapped his PS3 and hid it.
he came home, and i sat him down, told him that i didn't have the gift with me- because his mom took it for me to help me out with it.
i hand him the picture:
Sam: oh.... it's a ring...
there's a very forced smile on his face.
me: yeah, well, you don't wear your wedding ring very often, and i've never got you anything like this before.
Sam: yeah, its really... nice... thanks...
at this point i got up and got his real present.
which he opened instantly, squealed, and then rocked back and forth:
"i just was thinking how am i going to only wear this thing in front of you and no one else? i was so scared".
and then he kept looking at the picture of the ring and laughing.
its currently hanging on our front door, and every time i look at it i laugh really, really hard.
the look on his face was just so priceless. unwilling to hurt my feelings, trying so hard to fake that he liked it.
he did a really good job.
sadly, the PS3 is still sitting where he opened it. he only gets one day off.... most likely this month. hopefully he will get a chance to mentally check out and enjoy it. he has to wait till the end of the month for Madden though.
ok, this story was really long. and honestly, when i tell it is WAY better.
so, come over and i'll tell you it.