sluggish

yup. that's me. sluggish. i was just literally staring at a wall. is there nothing to do? ha! if only. i feel like i have become utterly removed from my life. i can't keep blaming the new baby growing inside of me because if i were to be truthful and look pretty close i would remember that back during the christmas fiasco of gift making i pretty much checked out on most areas of my life as well.

i'm really not sure how to get back on track, and its bumming me hard. and true, the new baby doesn't help things- because every time i get the notion that i can jump up and start taking back my life, i get tired and nauseated and end up back on the couch.

it is a fairly vicious cycle.

even though i have children who need to be taught and played with (i haven't completely neglected them, but i am a WAY better mom to them in my dreams), a house that needs to be constantly cleaned, a house that may need to be packed and moved, a birthday gift that needs to be sewed, a baby shower that needs to be planned, and creations created from my own brain.

and that's the really short list.

if i added, children's clothes that needed to be sorted and re-boxed, children's clothes and toys that need to be donated, my clothes that need to be sorted and donated, a garage that needs to be cleaned, books that need to read, stories that need to be written, titles to vehicles tracked down, school journals to be made, excitement to create, lessons to learn, people to love, bills to be paid, cobwebs to be dusted, and christmas gifts that i really should start working on now. well that might begin to overwhelm me. and those are all the things that i can see from the couch.

i wonder what i need to see change to be a better wife and mother.

i know of one really tiny superficial thing, that is going to seem really crazy. and i am sure most of you are expecting- less tv, less internet, less self-loathing.

nope. stop biting my nails.

i've currently nit off 4 fingernails. it's an incredibly annoying habit that i have had my whole life, and i believe i started biting off one nail during the last Amazing Race season finale (new season starts on the 14th!!!! woo-hoo) and then a couple others fell victim. this may seem really odd, but when i get into the groove of biting my nails it causes me to stop doing everything else.

weird, right? it literally slows down my productivity, and once i start i just can't stop.

ok. so my small tangible goal.

to post a picture of my 10 glorious fingers in 1 month.

March 2nd. Coincidently, that is my next appointment for new baby 4. i had my first appointment today. the nurse lied in my chart about my weight gain. when i lied about what my pre-pregnancy weight was, she didn't believe that i could have already gained that much. i started crying a little inside. and so she wrote down a different number. of course it doesn't help when your huge gut is hanging out and you realize the baby is below your huge gut.

sigh. sob. sigh.

baby 4 has a heartbeat. all the ladies at the maternity health center are so happy to see me again (seriously, i am their favorite, and i love it) and they are all hoping for pink.

i am too. but more importantly, hoping for healthy.

ok, it's 10 to 8. time to clean up my kitchen, cuddle my 3 1/2 year old, and maybe work on the birthday gift that needs to be done by friday.

so hold me accountable- 10 finger nails by March 2.

i'm pregnant- they should grow fast.