another day

its almost 9 pm, and i'm tired. i've been up since a little after 5 (or ok, a little before 6- but who really looks at the clock when it is that dark outside?) and i have been on my feet pretty much non stop working on training my children and their behavior. that is hard. on top of the normal cooking, cleaning, talking, and home-schooling.
and then, i sit at the end of the night and wonder, "what did i get done today?", which is what feels the most discouraging, when at the end of the day and my house isn't the way that i would want it. and the things that i would want to do, just don't get done.
that's frustrating- right?
well, i can't do a lot about that right now. except to try and remember what i did do.
and remember, even if i only did small things, i really enjoyed them.
like, making a birthday cake for Jesus.










what will i do tomorrow?

today

i need to remember today. how the air was cool and perfect, chilly but not cold. How my children were excited just to be out spending the day with me, running and playing happily.
i need to remember the noises Wilder made while worn on my back, how he cooed and sighed happily, sounding a little snuffly, but in a sweet and quiet way. how he laid his head against my back, trying to sleep. how wearing him through the mine made me happy and content. and then when he was off my back and in my arms, how my tired baby nestled into my chest and was calm and restful.

i need to remember how Henry chased after sound he heard. how he was searching for an echo.... whatever that was. how he pointed his finger and loudly announced “this way”. how when Sam and Mason and Campbell, but special boy led me down a different path (how this boy has led me on a different path indeed), how he and i (and wilder on my back) went off the path, how he was fearless in his search for noises and water. how when he started to get tired he sat on the floor of dirt and looked up at us stubbornly.

i need to remember my sweet Mason running to Henry’s side, insisting he could do it, and that she could be his partner. how Mason took in the beauty around her and was searching and hoping to glimpse a deer (we didn’t), how she found sticks and rocks and pinecones, determined to find something for the “collection” she brags about.
I need to remember my boy Campbell, older and asking questions about everything. and not just simple “why” but thorough questions, looking for an answer. how he tired of the walk,but rallied for the rest of us and continued on his way. how he climbed over rocks and logs and listened to every word that Sam had to say.

i need to remember how Sam took pride and love in showing his children the difference in trees and pine cones, how he was able to quiet them with a “listen” and they would all strain to hear what their dad had to say or what their dad was hearing.
i need to remember this day.
i turned 30 today.

before noise.

a rare and briefly quiet moment i am in right now. my children are exhausted from a fun day out and about yesterday. although, sam and i drug them around roseville for 8 hours and from my perspective for them i can't imagine it was fun- but they had a great time (play structures in a mall, getting to climb on rocks in rei, cruising at the greatest store ever- costco- and chocolate frosty's.... maybe that is a great day).
so now, i await their waking up. to not wake them i haven't been tackling the piles we brought in from our van, or the cluttered coffee table. nope, i read my Bible, had some coffee (lots) and played on my computer.
and i have nothing terribly brilliant to say today.
tomorrow i have hosting a soup night, and i am really hoping to get a few new recipes. i am seriously dreading the idea of corn in anyone's soup... i sure do hate corn in things.
but hot soups, time with friends, and then the weekend. although, yesterday was really our weekend, sam is working steadily till... well looks like 2012. but that's ok.
because- i no longer have a job.
i'm not quite sure if i ever even mentioned my job here, but it was one of the primary reasons for my lack of blogging and my lack of crafting. as much as i loved working with pregnant and nursing mama's, and loved the ladies i was working with, the relief that is now calming me daily is the most amazing things.
be still and know that He is God. this was the biggest answer to prayer- and honestly the fastest answer i have gotten. tuesday: Lord, please take this job away, i cannot quit, but i cannot do it. wednesday: job- we've had budget cuts, would you like to resign?
halleluiah.
so, now i am back to my original job- being a mother and a wife. a friend, a sister, a daughter of Christ... all the things that i have sorely been lacking from my life.
i'm hoping to have exercise more patience, spend more time with those i love, and craft a heck of a lot more. i sure have missed it.
and maybe, you'll see me here more.

my obsession

ok- so that title is fairly misleading, because so many things could be considered my obsession. for example:
anything with a hood, journals, bags, hoarding glass jars, the search for the perfect hair curl product, anything tina fey does, sam waterson, homeschooling curriculum, anything the firm does.

to name a few.

but for the next few minutes, i would like to share a little bit about my obsession with diet and sugar. i am sure that i have mentioned my diet issues... right? well, i don't need to refresh anything here, because it is a snooze fest. but lately, i have been really feeling down on myself because i have been eating really poorly. like 3 solid weeks of feel better food. like, making the pioneer woman's truly awesome chocolate sheet cake 3 times in one week and still wanting pizza for dinner poorly.
poor diet aside, the worst part is it is just now starting to cool down. good-bye forgiving stretchy skirts- hello jeans which have become smaller since the last time i wore them.
fantastic.
but i did this to myself. so for the last week (a week, wow, such an accomplishment) i cut sugar out of my mon-fri life. okay- it was mon-thurs, my best friend made me celebration cookies, which i had on friday.
but- anyways, i have been attempting to eat more purposefully through out the day, and stop my eating by 8 pm (i would love to have it be 7, but with the kids that isn't always practical) and then only having sugary desserts on the weekends. it is a slight modification of the no s diet.
so. after a week of no sweets during the week (note- not no sugar- i did have homemade blueberry muffins (but i make them myself, and the sugar isn't extreme) Izzy's (hey, the FDA says it counts as 2 fruit servings) and fruit strips (yumm) i am pretty happy. well- i was mon-thurs. i felt accomplished, and happy- because i knew that i was eating good, healthy things for my body and that my snacking was finally under control.
well. thursday... we ate at sam's parents and had my favorite dinner... taco salad- which, my plate was too full... fail.
friday, sam brought home chipolte... awesomeness, but when i poured it on my plate, holy banana times it was so FULL, and then... cookies. 2, but cookies. and a portion of a cookie and several chips at like 9:30... fail.
and then tonight, after a great day of moderate eating, we had pizza for dinner (not the worst thing ever, and mine was full of freshly chopped veggies) but i had a cookie (darn they are good) and i made these. smores. cookies. bars.
yeah.
and you know what? my tummy hurts. and i did it to myself. and psychologically i am kind of freaking out. and i did it to myself.
soooooooo.....
how do i do this? i love sugar. it is delicious. it tastes great, and their are some really fantastic recipes out there that are just begging me to try them.
yum.
but, here i am, with a full tummy that is aching at me, and i feel guilty. and i don't want to feel guilty, and i want to have that accomplished self-control feeling.
ok, personal therapy here, as i work this out through my typing.
the smores cookies bars, as fantastic as they were- are really really rich, and perhaps not the best thing to eat after dinner of something like pizza. lesson 1.
and maybe- even on the days that i choose to have sugar- it needs to be one thing. not 2, like i did today.
and maybe it should be one day of sugar. not 2.
well, seeing that i have had 2 days of sugar, i will probably not have any tomorrow. i am a big fan of tossing items in my freezer and saving them for later. that and sending freshly baked goods to starbucks. and hey, if i take them tomorrow when sam isn't there, he won't be tempted. everyone wins.
i will check back in about this next sunday. i can be strong. no sugar till saturday- no baking till saturday. and then next sunday when we are going out to the pumpkin patch, i will decide how sunday went.
and see if i can do 2 days.
well, this post got a little bit boring. but, hey- my blog is called generally wondering..ment...
so you get what you get.

up from the ashes

i think it is safe to say, this has been the hardest summer of my life. it also wouldn't be to off the mark to say its also been the worst summer of my life. so many things have happened that have rocked my small little world. my best friend in the whole world experienced deep pain and suffering, my husband lost his brother (which means, that i also lost someone i deeply loved), earlier in the summer my marriage was again on rocky grounds, and my heart's desire was forced into finding itself drawn to a new path.
suck. that is pretty much the word that really comes to my mind.
so, as i am here, reeling from the last 4 months, i want to try and remember a few things that have brought a little bit of light into this dark time.
~my sweet sister, after 5 years of trying, is finally expecting a baby. best news i have received in a long time. such an amazing blessing, and i cannot wait to meet this precious baby girl.
~my sweet henry is starting to talk more. and he is really developing quite the sense of humor. he had this precious moment at sam's parents house where he had escaped from the bath and was standing behind a doorway, and he kept popping his head out and saying "ta da" and then laughing. it caused paul (sam's dad) and i to laugh pretty hard.
~with all the things that henry has started to say, he will -when prompted- say i love you. and it is wonderful.
~my littlest boy has started walking. he is very proud of himself, and throws his arms up in the air. he is my sweet light in all of this.
i wish there was more, but right now i can't think of much else. life is starting to move forward. nothing is easy, it just is.

interesting.

i meant to have this post yesterday, but something was wrong with blogger... or my internet... possibly both.

today has been good. not great by any means, but good. and i will happily take good as opposed to want to pull my hair out-send all my children to separate homes- and find a way to move to mexico. good is great.
so what made it good? did i have extra realms of patience hidden in a box? no, not necessarily. the things that usually annoyed me still annoyed me, however, my reaction to my children wasn't nearly as harsh (insert awful). was there no mess to clean? ha. i wish. but not really, re-organizing the school stuff and toys is something i enjoy. were there no fights? wrong again, there were plenty of arguments. did i get 3 hours of joyful bliss while everyone napped at the same time? nope, that would have been nice. i'd settle for 3 down at the same time, but today i just got 2. better than 0.
did i get hours of alone time this morning? try waking up to children stowing away in my bed. but sam had left before 6 and the coffee was made- not ready to brew- made.

so why was today good?
well. there was one thing different today than the days in the past week (ok, month).
i read my Bible this morning. and the day's passage from Jesus Calling by Sarah Young, a book i highly recommend.
so, was i met with amazing insight and hope and new understanding?
no. not really even a little.. the passage from Jesus' Calling was really great (they always are) and i read the first several chapters in Ephesians. but i didn't exactly walk away with anything profound.
but i just realized- i didn't need to. i have been really reluctant to turn to my Bible for any wisdom lately- because nothing really feels like it will be a solution- i mean, its not like i will turn to my Bible and suddenly, miraculously have better behaved children or even more patience. or its not like i will turn to my Bible and feel totally different.
i found today, that just even the act of turning to my Bible, of saying, "ok Lord, I might not know what good this will do, but i trust you".
Draw near to Him, and He will draw near to you.
that's all i did today, i took a few extra minutes out of morning, drew near to Him, and now that i reflect on my day, i realize, He drew near to me. and not that i profoundly felt it like angels singing from the heavens, but i know it.
and that is a start.

august.

i have decided that i do not like the month August. it is my husband's birthday, and i love him dearly, but i don't like this month.

in 2008 right around August sam and i were hit with the surprise of a 3rd baby, we found out his brother had cancer, and there was a really emotionally draining situation at his store.

in 2009 in August, we had a horrible batch of the flu. it affected all 3 kids and it lasted for an entire month- the month of August.

in 2010 i was planning on having a baby. well, that baby decided to come in September. also, i would say Sam and i were working through some marital things.

in 2011. well, i spent some time in washington (in july) and came home to Sam opening his new store. well, he's probably worked 250 hours this month. and the month isn't over. we are starting our homeschool year, and already i am changing my mind about EVERYTHING, i am really emotionally and mentally wiped, and pulled in many directions.

august just kind of blows.

so, how do i wrap up the rest of this month?

i know that i need to find some new direction- or at least refocus my direction. i know that i need a lot more of Jesus. a LOT more.

honestly, it is just so hard. everything else in life seems so immediate- i feel sad, so i have a bite of chocolate, solution. i feel stressed so i power walk on the elliptical, solution. i need to vent, i call a friend- solution (although, i never call anyone, i text or google chat- you know, our new version of communication).

but i know that i am missing what is the most important. i know that i am not finding any true joy. that i am lacking and losing things that really matter.

my problem- that i fail to be like Jesus. categorically fail so miserably every day. every second. and what does it say in the Bible (and i know it is there, but i am way to lazy at the moment to find the reference) draw near to God and He'll draw near to you.

isn't that what i need? so badly?

why can't i do that.

i need the fruits of the spirit, i need the Spirit, i need to be different. i need a month of the year to not be something i begin to dread, but instead try to see it how God can use it, and use me.

i think i need a lot of things.

i need a place to start.

any ideas would be greatly appreciated.

i return with a story

for those of you who don't know last week Sam opened a new drive thru Starbucks in our little town. Sam has been a manager for Starbucks for, gee, 9 years? yeah, 9 consecutive years (that's also how long we have been married- he worked for Starbucks in college, moved to Redding, quit, then worked at a little place called Coffee Creek- after we got married i told him to go back to Starbucks... ok, gently encouraged.) and he has been up managing the Starbucks in our town for about 4 years? i know he changed stores when i was pregnant... but i've been pregnant a lot.
anyways. the "old" store was pretty dirty. and small. really small for how busy they were. and it was constantly under criticism for just how dirty it was. a lot of it was out of Sam's control- some of it wasn't. it was really frustrating for him.
about a year ago (maybe more) Starbucks decided that it was going to move the "old"store and was going to put over 1 million smackeroo's into a brand new HUGE store.
well, this sort of talk had been going on for quite awhile. but, it was finally really happening. and Sam and i both assumed he would get the "new" store.
yeah. that was an assumption. this new store was held over Sam's head. he really had a lot to prove, a lot to clean, and had to work really, really hard. the thought of Sam not getting this store was really devastating to us both. he'd been with the company for so long, it would be really embarrassing- plus would he have to commute to a new store? would he be fired? would he quit?
a very long wait.
which is over. last week- last wednesday at 4, Sam opened the brand new Starbucks. drive-thru, huge, huge, huge lobby, fancy pancy leed certified store (that's something to do with all local recycled goods that made the store)
it has been very exciting. and a lot of stress, and a lot of work for Sam. since monday morning when the old store closed, Sam has been working about 14-16 hours every day. we haven't seen a lot of him.
single parenting is not a lot of fun.
anyways- i am really, really proud of him. for both his consistent perseverance to prove himself ready to be given the new store, and just how hard he is working to make this store a success. and success it is: every day since the store has been opened they have more than doubled the business they usually see. its been- crazy.
so, i wanted to get him a present. i'm not sure if i have mentioned on here before, but a couple of years ago my husband decided he wanted to be a mountain climber.
when we met he said he like to camp. that was it. occasionally ride a motorcycle (which he has never done since we were married) but camping. back packing maybe.
but mountain climbing.
ugh. i have tried to be supportive. but it takes a lot of time- away from the house, training... and the gear- oh my goodness, the gear he buys. and- its dangerous.
then he decided he wanted to kayak...
anyways. i wanted to get him a gift he could use and enjoy, um here. something that wouldn't take him out of the house (because we do have 4 kids) one that wasn't dangerous (because- um we have 4 kids) and also, with the new store he won't have a ton of free time.
well, about 5 years ago, Sam enjoyed very much playing a little game called Madden Football.
have you heard of it?
when we had it on our N64, i really loved playing it with him. then he got a playstation and got way better than me. way better.
i still really enjoyed watching it.
every year the new Madden (cause remember the NFL changes yearly) would come out conveniently during Sam's birthday week- which is right now!
well, a couple of years ago, our old play station broke. and we never fixed it.
and Sam's been living, Madden free.
so- i thought he would be so surprised if i replaced the Play Station (with a PS3) and then for his birthday his parents would get him Madden.
but.... where is the fun in that?
i kind of can't resist doing things a little um, different.
so i told Sam that i got him a gift. and he got really excited.
and i got very mischievous.
i decided it would be very fun to play a little joke on him. so, i told him that i was really nervous about the present that i got for him, that i wasn't sure if he would like it (he assured me he would, that anything from me is great) and i told him this:
well, its just a little something small, to show you how proud of you i am, its nothing i've ever gotten you before, and its something you can keep with you and see it and know how proud i am of you.
i then proceeded to go to amazon.com and find this:
ok- for those of you who don't know Sam, this is NOT his taste. really, really, not.
so, i printed a picture of this out, wrapped his PS3 and hid it.
he came home, and i sat him down, told him that i didn't have the gift with me- because his mom took it for me to help me out with it.
i hand him the picture:
Sam: oh.... it's a ring...
there's a very forced smile on his face.
me: yeah, well, you don't wear your wedding ring very often, and i've never got you anything like this before.
Sam: yeah, its really... nice... thanks...
at this point i got up and got his real present.
which he opened instantly, squealed, and then rocked back and forth:
"i just was thinking how am i going to only wear this thing in front of you and no one else? i was so scared".
and then he kept looking at the picture of the ring and laughing.
its currently hanging on our front door, and every time i look at it i laugh really, really hard.
the look on his face was just so priceless. unwilling to hurt my feelings, trying so hard to fake that he liked it.
he did a really good job.
sadly, the PS3 is still sitting where he opened it. he only gets one day off.... most likely this month. hopefully he will get a chance to mentally check out and enjoy it. he has to wait till the end of the month for Madden though.
ok, this story was really long. and honestly, when i tell it is WAY better.
so, come over and i'll tell you it.

Seasons.

today was a sunny day. and it got me thinking about seasons. not everyone gets to live in a place where all 4 seasons are experienced, i do. sure, some of the seasons don't last as long as the others, and this year winter felt un-seasonally long, and spring maybe lasted 2 days, but still, we get a glimpse at all of them.
and i had to wonder, when our Creator was creating this earth, was specific attention given to the length of seasons. all the seasons are roughly (supposed to be) the same amount of time. is that the length of time God knew we could handle it? is 3 months of winter just at the brink of "enough" for some people?
and then the easement of seasons. its not harsh colds and horrid heats, its a gently walking towards the extremes. we are cold, and then slowly it starts to warm, until its so warm that we slowly start to get cool before it gets to cold.
duh, that's the way the seasons work.
but we use the word "season" for so many things. and lately i have felt like i have been in many different seasons of my life, many seasons that i have been desperately crawling at the walls trying to get through.
and now, i have better reflection on it. seasons of life aren't meant to be every 3 months, and seasons of life sure as heck don't ease you into things ( i mean, i can't even think of one season of being a mother that has easily transitioned into a new "joy"). seasons are here, and there is a season for everything.
and, this season i am in, i will NEVER get to experience again. so i need to enjoy it. embrace it. live it. because way to soon the leaves will change and fall and it will be done. new seasons will replace this one, but it will not be the same.
my season.
i want to be in a season of daily exercise (at least 60 minutes) i am IN a season of hopeful exercise (i do better than most) and hoping calories shed while i breastfed and chase after my 2 year old, while listening to my 3 year old talk, and watching my 5 year old read.
i want to cook wonderful, healthy meals and small, decent desserts, i am IN a season where we eat pretty much the same thing every day, and i try to strive to eat as many fruits and veggies as i can, all the while having the same daily battle over "i'm hungry" when we jump down from the table after refusing to eat our food, and food getting thrown from table to floor.
and the occasional (ok, very occasional) doughnut binge.
i love doughnuts. and God help me, i'm praying they are in heaven.
i want to be in a season where i am crafty and creative every single day and productivity just shines from me, i am IN a season where my creativity stretches to imaginary elephant stories and hide and seek and the occasional coloring picture. the few moments where i truly feel creative i do not always have the opportunity to act on them. and then in the evening when i sit to nurse the baby before he goes to bed, all of my drive and motivation effectively washes away as he slowly falls to sleep.
that 7-8 pm nursing window the drains me, because i am tired, and it has been a long day and i don't want to use my brain anymore.
i want to be in a season where i would love to be more social and see my friends and have play dates all the time, i am IN a season where i have a job, and a job where i know the Lord wants me.
i want to be in a season where my home is always clean and laundry is always done, and milk cups aren't left in the sink over night, and bath towels are always immediately hung, i am IN a season where milk cups are lucky to make it into the sink instead of being found days later under a couch, and towels are tripped over and stepped over multiple times before they are picked up.
what it boils down to is this: i am tired. it is true. but i have to stop seeing the tired as the cause of all the things i CAN'T do. and instead see it as the effect (and i don't know if that should be affect or effect and i am to tired to care- or look it up) of what i AM doing.
i am in a season where my children come first.
when you start to embrace the truth of what you are living, like for instance boiling heat in July, then it doesn't make it easier, but you can understand it.
and don't feel sorry for me, because this season is important, invaluable, and yes- i am tired, and sure, i am not getting to do the things i want to yet-
yet. there will be a season for that.
so for now, i enjoy lounging on the couch at night when i am to tired to do anything else letting my favorite shows make me laugh, and i am quite content reading spurts of books on my iphone while i nurse my baby, and i am sure that someday my house will be clean (but really, if i clean those cups tonight they will be dirty again tomorrow- it will happen) and someday i will cook and exercise like a pro.
of course, i do realize that i will most likely never be in the season of being a supermodel. fine by me. i love doughnuts.
i am in a season where my precious children come first.

changes

i can hear one of my "thought was sleeping" children awakening downstairs, so this will have to be short.
today marks the beginning of something for me, although i was previously trying this before. today i fast for self-control. on the first of may i started a fast from sugar and flour. yesterday i stopped (for several reasons- none based on lack of self-control though) and today i begin again. when i had started i was so distracted that none of the reasons why i wanted this fast even seemed to matter.
background: i am most likely an over-eating stress eater, most of us could say that's true. but i also have this little genetic quirk (and trust me, its genetic) where i obsess about certain foods and will absolutely inhale them without ever giving it a second thought.
i need self-control. in so many different areas of my life. i need in my diet, and i desperately need it with my children. and i need it in how i use my time. i have fallen into a pattern that i really don't like.
a quick googling of the "fruits of the spirit" (and a harsh reminder to myself that i really must write these on my heart) tells me that self-control is a fruit of the spirit. one that i have let rot on the vine.
ok, to sum up (because that waking child is now really awake) this is what i am doing:
from today until june 5th:
*no sugar and no flour- except for fruit. i am eliminating it from my diet. why? because i tend to go on baking binges. and (and these may come as shocking information to you) but sugar is fairly addicting. i probably start eating sugar a little fast and faster with the more i an inhale it. and then i simply cannot stop. i mean really.
*no eating after 7. i mean, as much fun as it is to literally swallow a bite of something tasty and crawl into my bed, how completely unhealthy is that? plus, when i am sitting on the couch snacking all night long i am not doing anything else.
*no eating at the couch. food and tv go hand in hand, and i kind of need to end that relationship.
*no more eating out when i should be cooking. that doesn't mean going out (because i have some fun plans for next sunday that will involve being gone all day) but it means having the discipline to create a meal plan for my family (something i can do) and being self-controlled to stick with it.
* no more exercising if sam isn't here.
ok, that's a weird one given everything else i have thrown in. but this fast is about self-control. and i know that my obsession with food is only magnified more with my obsession for exercise, because i know that if i exercise i can eat more (which is slightly false logic) and i also get a little (understatement here) caught up on how my physical appearance is. and this fast isn't about losing weight. its about self-control. discipline. and i can turn into a pretty nasty mom really fast if i am exercising and the kids are misbehaving. and you know why? because when i am exercising they are alone to their own undoings.
but, i can fit it in when sam is around. and when the time comes (sob) when i won't have a nursing baby (who is sleeping through the night) then i won't wake up with a chest that can't fit comfortably into a sports bra and i will be able to exercise in the wee hours of the morning.
* to really pray when i eat.
i really do want to hand over these ugly aspects of myself.
yesterday was mother's day, and when i was enjoying sugar for the first time in a week i realized something, it did all taste a little different. and i didn't hit it as hard as i thought i would have (but i did snack all night long, ugh) so hopefully my heart is changing towards the way i let myself feel about food.
i do love food. and i am starting to believe my role in heaven might be doughnut maker. or baker.
i have 3 ladies who have being doing the no sugar/flour since may 1st. i think 2 of them are walking along with me till june 5th. and after june 5th, i have a strict plan set up for not crashing hard.
i also have a pretty list of 30 things to do.... better get started on that.

i am in a creativity stall zone. during christmas there was so much i was making, and so much i wanted to be making. and then i was done with gifts. and then somehow 4 some weeks passed and i haven't done anything outside of a little bit of embroidery and making some yo-yo's.
i feel like a chunk of my brain was removed, and i cannot find it. i had all these ideas of things i was going to be making, my christmas/birthday present list for others was all but complete in my brain.
and now? absolutely forgotten. and the worst part is that it kind of physically hurts my head right now. because i know the information is in there, and i just can't get it out.
i would really like to be spending a little bit of time crafting, but it is just taking so much time to figure out where to start, what to do....
and every time i flip through one of my many sewing books it usually calls for a type of fabric- ok, corduroy (which i love) and i never have that, and i just can't justify buying anymore fabric.
and there are gifts i could be making, but i kind of just want to make something for myself....
how bad is that?
i hope to free of this crafty brain block soon enough. for now, i think i will grab some scraps and make some yo-yo's. not sure what for, but something i guess.
if i mentioned an idea to you, please remind me.
thanks.

new years resolutions.

i have purposely not mentioned my new years resolutions. and why? it was inspired by a truly silly reason but one that later made sense to me. i received a fortune from a cookie awhile back and it said something to this affect:

speak less of your plans and they will be accomplished.

and it just resonated with me. instead of taking all the time to name off all the things i hope to do, i should just spend the time doing them. not that new years resolutions listed off are a bad thing, but i think i would rather mention them as they are accomplished.
or when they are stupidly messed up.
i had wanted to follow a "take a picture every day" kind of thing, and 16 days in and i have already missed. i unexpectedly stayed later at sam's parents yesterday than planned, and i completely forgot until about 5 am this morning that i hadn't taken a picture.
i'm a little bummed. okay, a lot bummed. but there might be a chance that sam took a picture sometime yesterday. if not, i may be asking around for a picture.
it would be a long post, but perhaps i will put up some of the pictures every month, and then link the rest to a flickr account? the picture at the top, my 1-4-11 picture. be prepared, most of these pictures will be of my kids. or food. or random things in my house that make me happy.
i don't get out a lot. and getting our more, is not one of my resolutions.
there are more resolutions. and more that i continue to make up and add. when they are accomplished, i will let you know.
as for now, my computer is running painfully slow (i have about a zillion to many pictures on it) and tomorrow i've got a gal coming to watch the kids while i learn how to defend myself. and to help her defend herself against the kids, i should at least attempt to have it clean in here.
right?

moments in the kitchen.

while in the kitchen this afternoon two things happened. a moment of genius followed by the realization that i am quite stupid. and a quick moment of second thinking.
how does genius turn to stupid so quick? i love hummus. there is a trader joe's version of hummus that i find quite wonderful. but our trader joe's is 45 minutes away. not practical for a quick jaunt down to pick some up. i have a recipe for hummus, and even though sam says its "great" i truly despise it. why? two reasons: its always soooooooo runny, not thick. and the sesame seeds that the recipe calls for never puree all the way.
that kind of rhymed.
when i was at grocery outlet yesterday i picked up a couple of bags of pretzel thins for 99 cents. great deal. but i really wanted hummus for them. i have to be really careful about the hummus we buy cause of MSG. so i opted to not buy some and resolved to make some again.
well, as i was prepping my ingredients i had this moment of genius:

i can change what i hate about my hummus!

i don't have to put sesame seeds in the hummus, and i can reduce the amount of liquid and add it slowly to get my desired consistency.
genius!
and then:
stupid! why haven't you been doing this all along you silly twit?
i am often way to chained to a recipe and believe i cannot deviate at all.
anyways, the hummus turned out very well. and while i still like trader joe's better, it is a fine substitute (and probably cheaper and healthier).
and now for my quick moment of thinking:
i was getting henry's lunch ready and had sat his bowl down onto of my toaster. i then proceeded to start pouring applesauce into the bowl and quickly stopped, thinking, "how on earth will i clean applesauce out of the toaster if it misses the bowl?"
catastrophe averted.
for now.

a little bit from the past.

i've got a bad combo going on right now. restless boredom when there are a zillion things i could be working on. and a desire to eat when i don't really think i am hungry. but that late night mental notion of i want to simply veg and snack. i think that might be the worst combo.
not like cookies and milk (which i want) or frozen yogurt with cheesecake chunks (which i also want).
so, while i wait for my water to boil so i can have a cup of my favorite tea and try to convince myself i don't need to eat (wait a sec, was that a hunger pain?) i thought i'd pop on and try to share a post and get out of my posting every other month habit.
so we returned from our great adventure up north and came home to a mad whirlwind of events. hosting Bible study at our house (the next day after driving 13 odd hours) then other obligations out of the house (which i now can't remember) and then my big event of december: my handmade holiday party.
this was my second year throwing this shin-dig, and it is a lot of fun. basically i invite all the women i know- and tell them to invite all the women they know, and everyone is supposed to bring a handmade gift (and an appetizer or dessert because eating is a lot of fun). then we exchange white elephant style. i decided to throw this type of party because i just love to give gifts and realized i couldn't give a handmade gift to everyone i love. so i thought that by throwing this party we could all celebrate together.
now obviously because i host this party i had my handmade gift prepared weeks before the night.
wait. no.
but i had a fun idea, and i knew it "wouldn't" take to long.


this was my Christmas wreath. i actually made 2. the first one (which after scrolling through all my pictures) i didn't take a picture of. i kept the first one. because i really loved the colors i used, and i wanted it. i'm sorry, but its the truth.
the greatest thing about making this wreath (which wasn't nearly as amazing as some of the other gifts exchanged) was that as i was creating the wreath i had a special helper.
my little mason. she wanted to help hold the fabric while i ripped it, wanted to talk about the fabric, and when i gave her her own pile of fabric she would throw it up in the air and shout, "it's Christmas!". she then declared her pile of fabric as her "decorations" and kept herself busy for hours "decorating" our house. i foresee many years of Christmas creating with her, and am happy to see her sewing/creating juices starting to flow.
since i am toting around a nursing baby, who was also celebrating his first Christmas, i felt it was only natural to try and quickly whip something up for him to wear.

he's happy, really. i just appliqued a quick little tree on a onesie. i have more onesies... i should do more applique.
i love to applique and embroider. love it.
and i love that little man in the picture. to spice things up for Christmas i added a "1" since it was his first Christmas.
oh my goodness, how cute is he? last year on Christmas i was really surprised that i tested "negative" on my pregnancy test. but a few days later i found out i was expecting him. it really puts the year 2010 in perspective for me. maybe not perspective, but it makes it feel more impacting. or crazy. or wonderful.
i'm not sure. but my tea is probably ready to sip now. and i have projects i can be working on.
or i might see if sam wants popcorn.

i do still exist.

sure, 2 months between posts is completely adequate. i have not fallen off the planet. i made it through the made rush of Christmas and presents and baking and cleaning- and well, everything that comes along with that holiday. i also traveled up north with all the kids to spend thanksgiving with my family (and see my first ever football game with my sister and brother-in-law- BEST PRESENT EVER!)
really, my thanksgiving vacation deserves it's own post. so why not flashback in time to 2010?
the Friday before thanksgiving my dad flew down from seattle to help drive me and the kids up. help is kind of a loose word. he did ALL the driving. although, when you have 4 kids in one van it is much much much better to be the driver. because the co-pi has to do all the backseat work.
the plan was to go to portland and spend the weekend with just the little babe and my wonderful sister. that's right, 2 whole days and nights to myself.
it was amazing.
my sis and i stayed at my parents condo and we basically shopped, and shopped, and shopped, and ate. actually, we might have eaten more than we shopped.
we got to see my most favorite crafty blogger in the world, meeting up at a fun restaurant, where we were served awesome appetizers by the oddest waiter. really, he should have been welcoming guests onto disney's tower of terror, not serving delicious food.
now something rather odd happened during our weekend. we were stuck in portland due to the snow. however, there was no snow in portland. basically everywhere else in the world was hit by a snowstorm, except for us. so we couldn't travel to my parents and the kids (they were up by mt. hood) and we couldn't travel north (puyallup) where we would be spending thanksgiving, and with my parents condo's now being rented for thanksgiving, ashley and i were forced to rent a hotel.
really. it was just dreadful. what with hgtv, and more time for shopping.

our hotel room.

the bathroom
i haven't had this much time without my kids in 4 years. the weekend was amazing, but the whole week was fantastic too, because my parents really took over and watched all the kids. it was one of the most refreshing times i have had. i cannot wait till i can do it again.

ashley and i made it home, and the rest of my kids and family made it back to us later that night. i assisted ashley as she made our entire thanksgiving meal. ok, i did help. i ate a lot of sugar cookies and a lot of pie. although i did make my first ever stuffing (thank you pioneer woman) and i was responsible for the baked brie.

hot cocoa break.

decorating sugar cookies.

could there be a cuter picture?

ashley and the best apple pie in the world.

ashley and her beautiful turkey.

with thanksgiving under our belt (and stretching our belts) i took my sister out for her very first black friday event. now we didn't get up at 4 am or anything, instead we started our day at 8 am. we came home around 10 pm. i do not believe i have ever shopped so much in my life.
it was awesome.

steven and i prepping for black friday

the very next day sam flew up to seattle and we went (with the kids) to see some of our very best friends (they have 2 boys Campbell and Henry's ages) in the world. we spent the day with them. i love how when you get back together with old friends nothing really skips a beat, you just jump back into things.
and then, the game. chiefs vs. seahawks. it doesn't always happen, that the team sam and i LOVE and the team my sister and steven LOVE play each other. in seattle (otherwise a flight out to kansas city would be a little unrealistic) of all places.


ash and steven totally spoiled us by getting really amazing seats, and it was absolutely awesome that for the first game we had ever been to that WE WON!
sorry seahawks, but thanks for allowing us to see a victory in person.
and that was the last half of my november. my december was pretty amazing/rushed/busy/fun/stressful. so it really deserves it's own post.