today

i need to remember today. how the air was cool and perfect, chilly but not cold. How my children were excited just to be out spending the day with me, running and playing happily.
i need to remember the noises Wilder made while worn on my back, how he cooed and sighed happily, sounding a little snuffly, but in a sweet and quiet way. how he laid his head against my back, trying to sleep. how wearing him through the mine made me happy and content. and then when he was off my back and in my arms, how my tired baby nestled into my chest and was calm and restful.

i need to remember how Henry chased after sound he heard. how he was searching for an echo.... whatever that was. how he pointed his finger and loudly announced “this way”. how when Sam and Mason and Campbell, but special boy led me down a different path (how this boy has led me on a different path indeed), how he and i (and wilder on my back) went off the path, how he was fearless in his search for noises and water. how when he started to get tired he sat on the floor of dirt and looked up at us stubbornly.

i need to remember my sweet Mason running to Henry’s side, insisting he could do it, and that she could be his partner. how Mason took in the beauty around her and was searching and hoping to glimpse a deer (we didn’t), how she found sticks and rocks and pinecones, determined to find something for the “collection” she brags about.
I need to remember my boy Campbell, older and asking questions about everything. and not just simple “why” but thorough questions, looking for an answer. how he tired of the walk,but rallied for the rest of us and continued on his way. how he climbed over rocks and logs and listened to every word that Sam had to say.

i need to remember how Sam took pride and love in showing his children the difference in trees and pine cones, how he was able to quiet them with a “listen” and they would all strain to hear what their dad had to say or what their dad was hearing.
i need to remember this day.
i turned 30 today.

before noise.

a rare and briefly quiet moment i am in right now. my children are exhausted from a fun day out and about yesterday. although, sam and i drug them around roseville for 8 hours and from my perspective for them i can't imagine it was fun- but they had a great time (play structures in a mall, getting to climb on rocks in rei, cruising at the greatest store ever- costco- and chocolate frosty's.... maybe that is a great day).
so now, i await their waking up. to not wake them i haven't been tackling the piles we brought in from our van, or the cluttered coffee table. nope, i read my Bible, had some coffee (lots) and played on my computer.
and i have nothing terribly brilliant to say today.
tomorrow i have hosting a soup night, and i am really hoping to get a few new recipes. i am seriously dreading the idea of corn in anyone's soup... i sure do hate corn in things.
but hot soups, time with friends, and then the weekend. although, yesterday was really our weekend, sam is working steadily till... well looks like 2012. but that's ok.
because- i no longer have a job.
i'm not quite sure if i ever even mentioned my job here, but it was one of the primary reasons for my lack of blogging and my lack of crafting. as much as i loved working with pregnant and nursing mama's, and loved the ladies i was working with, the relief that is now calming me daily is the most amazing things.
be still and know that He is God. this was the biggest answer to prayer- and honestly the fastest answer i have gotten. tuesday: Lord, please take this job away, i cannot quit, but i cannot do it. wednesday: job- we've had budget cuts, would you like to resign?
halleluiah.
so, now i am back to my original job- being a mother and a wife. a friend, a sister, a daughter of Christ... all the things that i have sorely been lacking from my life.
i'm hoping to have exercise more patience, spend more time with those i love, and craft a heck of a lot more. i sure have missed it.
and maybe, you'll see me here more.

my obsession

ok- so that title is fairly misleading, because so many things could be considered my obsession. for example:
anything with a hood, journals, bags, hoarding glass jars, the search for the perfect hair curl product, anything tina fey does, sam waterson, homeschooling curriculum, anything the firm does.

to name a few.

but for the next few minutes, i would like to share a little bit about my obsession with diet and sugar. i am sure that i have mentioned my diet issues... right? well, i don't need to refresh anything here, because it is a snooze fest. but lately, i have been really feeling down on myself because i have been eating really poorly. like 3 solid weeks of feel better food. like, making the pioneer woman's truly awesome chocolate sheet cake 3 times in one week and still wanting pizza for dinner poorly.
poor diet aside, the worst part is it is just now starting to cool down. good-bye forgiving stretchy skirts- hello jeans which have become smaller since the last time i wore them.
fantastic.
but i did this to myself. so for the last week (a week, wow, such an accomplishment) i cut sugar out of my mon-fri life. okay- it was mon-thurs, my best friend made me celebration cookies, which i had on friday.
but- anyways, i have been attempting to eat more purposefully through out the day, and stop my eating by 8 pm (i would love to have it be 7, but with the kids that isn't always practical) and then only having sugary desserts on the weekends. it is a slight modification of the no s diet.
so. after a week of no sweets during the week (note- not no sugar- i did have homemade blueberry muffins (but i make them myself, and the sugar isn't extreme) Izzy's (hey, the FDA says it counts as 2 fruit servings) and fruit strips (yumm) i am pretty happy. well- i was mon-thurs. i felt accomplished, and happy- because i knew that i was eating good, healthy things for my body and that my snacking was finally under control.
well. thursday... we ate at sam's parents and had my favorite dinner... taco salad- which, my plate was too full... fail.
friday, sam brought home chipolte... awesomeness, but when i poured it on my plate, holy banana times it was so FULL, and then... cookies. 2, but cookies. and a portion of a cookie and several chips at like 9:30... fail.
and then tonight, after a great day of moderate eating, we had pizza for dinner (not the worst thing ever, and mine was full of freshly chopped veggies) but i had a cookie (darn they are good) and i made these. smores. cookies. bars.
yeah.
and you know what? my tummy hurts. and i did it to myself. and psychologically i am kind of freaking out. and i did it to myself.
soooooooo.....
how do i do this? i love sugar. it is delicious. it tastes great, and their are some really fantastic recipes out there that are just begging me to try them.
yum.
but, here i am, with a full tummy that is aching at me, and i feel guilty. and i don't want to feel guilty, and i want to have that accomplished self-control feeling.
ok, personal therapy here, as i work this out through my typing.
the smores cookies bars, as fantastic as they were- are really really rich, and perhaps not the best thing to eat after dinner of something like pizza. lesson 1.
and maybe- even on the days that i choose to have sugar- it needs to be one thing. not 2, like i did today.
and maybe it should be one day of sugar. not 2.
well, seeing that i have had 2 days of sugar, i will probably not have any tomorrow. i am a big fan of tossing items in my freezer and saving them for later. that and sending freshly baked goods to starbucks. and hey, if i take them tomorrow when sam isn't there, he won't be tempted. everyone wins.
i will check back in about this next sunday. i can be strong. no sugar till saturday- no baking till saturday. and then next sunday when we are going out to the pumpkin patch, i will decide how sunday went.
and see if i can do 2 days.
well, this post got a little bit boring. but, hey- my blog is called generally wondering..ment...
so you get what you get.

up from the ashes

i think it is safe to say, this has been the hardest summer of my life. it also wouldn't be to off the mark to say its also been the worst summer of my life. so many things have happened that have rocked my small little world. my best friend in the whole world experienced deep pain and suffering, my husband lost his brother (which means, that i also lost someone i deeply loved), earlier in the summer my marriage was again on rocky grounds, and my heart's desire was forced into finding itself drawn to a new path.
suck. that is pretty much the word that really comes to my mind.
so, as i am here, reeling from the last 4 months, i want to try and remember a few things that have brought a little bit of light into this dark time.
~my sweet sister, after 5 years of trying, is finally expecting a baby. best news i have received in a long time. such an amazing blessing, and i cannot wait to meet this precious baby girl.
~my sweet henry is starting to talk more. and he is really developing quite the sense of humor. he had this precious moment at sam's parents house where he had escaped from the bath and was standing behind a doorway, and he kept popping his head out and saying "ta da" and then laughing. it caused paul (sam's dad) and i to laugh pretty hard.
~with all the things that henry has started to say, he will -when prompted- say i love you. and it is wonderful.
~my littlest boy has started walking. he is very proud of himself, and throws his arms up in the air. he is my sweet light in all of this.
i wish there was more, but right now i can't think of much else. life is starting to move forward. nothing is easy, it just is.

interesting.

i meant to have this post yesterday, but something was wrong with blogger... or my internet... possibly both.

today has been good. not great by any means, but good. and i will happily take good as opposed to want to pull my hair out-send all my children to separate homes- and find a way to move to mexico. good is great.
so what made it good? did i have extra realms of patience hidden in a box? no, not necessarily. the things that usually annoyed me still annoyed me, however, my reaction to my children wasn't nearly as harsh (insert awful). was there no mess to clean? ha. i wish. but not really, re-organizing the school stuff and toys is something i enjoy. were there no fights? wrong again, there were plenty of arguments. did i get 3 hours of joyful bliss while everyone napped at the same time? nope, that would have been nice. i'd settle for 3 down at the same time, but today i just got 2. better than 0.
did i get hours of alone time this morning? try waking up to children stowing away in my bed. but sam had left before 6 and the coffee was made- not ready to brew- made.

so why was today good?
well. there was one thing different today than the days in the past week (ok, month).
i read my Bible this morning. and the day's passage from Jesus Calling by Sarah Young, a book i highly recommend.
so, was i met with amazing insight and hope and new understanding?
no. not really even a little.. the passage from Jesus' Calling was really great (they always are) and i read the first several chapters in Ephesians. but i didn't exactly walk away with anything profound.
but i just realized- i didn't need to. i have been really reluctant to turn to my Bible for any wisdom lately- because nothing really feels like it will be a solution- i mean, its not like i will turn to my Bible and suddenly, miraculously have better behaved children or even more patience. or its not like i will turn to my Bible and feel totally different.
i found today, that just even the act of turning to my Bible, of saying, "ok Lord, I might not know what good this will do, but i trust you".
Draw near to Him, and He will draw near to you.
that's all i did today, i took a few extra minutes out of morning, drew near to Him, and now that i reflect on my day, i realize, He drew near to me. and not that i profoundly felt it like angels singing from the heavens, but i know it.
and that is a start.

august.

i have decided that i do not like the month August. it is my husband's birthday, and i love him dearly, but i don't like this month.

in 2008 right around August sam and i were hit with the surprise of a 3rd baby, we found out his brother had cancer, and there was a really emotionally draining situation at his store.

in 2009 in August, we had a horrible batch of the flu. it affected all 3 kids and it lasted for an entire month- the month of August.

in 2010 i was planning on having a baby. well, that baby decided to come in September. also, i would say Sam and i were working through some marital things.

in 2011. well, i spent some time in washington (in july) and came home to Sam opening his new store. well, he's probably worked 250 hours this month. and the month isn't over. we are starting our homeschool year, and already i am changing my mind about EVERYTHING, i am really emotionally and mentally wiped, and pulled in many directions.

august just kind of blows.

so, how do i wrap up the rest of this month?

i know that i need to find some new direction- or at least refocus my direction. i know that i need a lot more of Jesus. a LOT more.

honestly, it is just so hard. everything else in life seems so immediate- i feel sad, so i have a bite of chocolate, solution. i feel stressed so i power walk on the elliptical, solution. i need to vent, i call a friend- solution (although, i never call anyone, i text or google chat- you know, our new version of communication).

but i know that i am missing what is the most important. i know that i am not finding any true joy. that i am lacking and losing things that really matter.

my problem- that i fail to be like Jesus. categorically fail so miserably every day. every second. and what does it say in the Bible (and i know it is there, but i am way to lazy at the moment to find the reference) draw near to God and He'll draw near to you.

isn't that what i need? so badly?

why can't i do that.

i need the fruits of the spirit, i need the Spirit, i need to be different. i need a month of the year to not be something i begin to dread, but instead try to see it how God can use it, and use me.

i think i need a lot of things.

i need a place to start.

any ideas would be greatly appreciated.

i return with a story

for those of you who don't know last week Sam opened a new drive thru Starbucks in our little town. Sam has been a manager for Starbucks for, gee, 9 years? yeah, 9 consecutive years (that's also how long we have been married- he worked for Starbucks in college, moved to Redding, quit, then worked at a little place called Coffee Creek- after we got married i told him to go back to Starbucks... ok, gently encouraged.) and he has been up managing the Starbucks in our town for about 4 years? i know he changed stores when i was pregnant... but i've been pregnant a lot.
anyways. the "old" store was pretty dirty. and small. really small for how busy they were. and it was constantly under criticism for just how dirty it was. a lot of it was out of Sam's control- some of it wasn't. it was really frustrating for him.
about a year ago (maybe more) Starbucks decided that it was going to move the "old"store and was going to put over 1 million smackeroo's into a brand new HUGE store.
well, this sort of talk had been going on for quite awhile. but, it was finally really happening. and Sam and i both assumed he would get the "new" store.
yeah. that was an assumption. this new store was held over Sam's head. he really had a lot to prove, a lot to clean, and had to work really, really hard. the thought of Sam not getting this store was really devastating to us both. he'd been with the company for so long, it would be really embarrassing- plus would he have to commute to a new store? would he be fired? would he quit?
a very long wait.
which is over. last week- last wednesday at 4, Sam opened the brand new Starbucks. drive-thru, huge, huge, huge lobby, fancy pancy leed certified store (that's something to do with all local recycled goods that made the store)
it has been very exciting. and a lot of stress, and a lot of work for Sam. since monday morning when the old store closed, Sam has been working about 14-16 hours every day. we haven't seen a lot of him.
single parenting is not a lot of fun.
anyways- i am really, really proud of him. for both his consistent perseverance to prove himself ready to be given the new store, and just how hard he is working to make this store a success. and success it is: every day since the store has been opened they have more than doubled the business they usually see. its been- crazy.
so, i wanted to get him a present. i'm not sure if i have mentioned on here before, but a couple of years ago my husband decided he wanted to be a mountain climber.
when we met he said he like to camp. that was it. occasionally ride a motorcycle (which he has never done since we were married) but camping. back packing maybe.
but mountain climbing.
ugh. i have tried to be supportive. but it takes a lot of time- away from the house, training... and the gear- oh my goodness, the gear he buys. and- its dangerous.
then he decided he wanted to kayak...
anyways. i wanted to get him a gift he could use and enjoy, um here. something that wouldn't take him out of the house (because we do have 4 kids) one that wasn't dangerous (because- um we have 4 kids) and also, with the new store he won't have a ton of free time.
well, about 5 years ago, Sam enjoyed very much playing a little game called Madden Football.
have you heard of it?
when we had it on our N64, i really loved playing it with him. then he got a playstation and got way better than me. way better.
i still really enjoyed watching it.
every year the new Madden (cause remember the NFL changes yearly) would come out conveniently during Sam's birthday week- which is right now!
well, a couple of years ago, our old play station broke. and we never fixed it.
and Sam's been living, Madden free.
so- i thought he would be so surprised if i replaced the Play Station (with a PS3) and then for his birthday his parents would get him Madden.
but.... where is the fun in that?
i kind of can't resist doing things a little um, different.
so i told Sam that i got him a gift. and he got really excited.
and i got very mischievous.
i decided it would be very fun to play a little joke on him. so, i told him that i was really nervous about the present that i got for him, that i wasn't sure if he would like it (he assured me he would, that anything from me is great) and i told him this:
well, its just a little something small, to show you how proud of you i am, its nothing i've ever gotten you before, and its something you can keep with you and see it and know how proud i am of you.
i then proceeded to go to amazon.com and find this:
ok- for those of you who don't know Sam, this is NOT his taste. really, really, not.
so, i printed a picture of this out, wrapped his PS3 and hid it.
he came home, and i sat him down, told him that i didn't have the gift with me- because his mom took it for me to help me out with it.
i hand him the picture:
Sam: oh.... it's a ring...
there's a very forced smile on his face.
me: yeah, well, you don't wear your wedding ring very often, and i've never got you anything like this before.
Sam: yeah, its really... nice... thanks...
at this point i got up and got his real present.
which he opened instantly, squealed, and then rocked back and forth:
"i just was thinking how am i going to only wear this thing in front of you and no one else? i was so scared".
and then he kept looking at the picture of the ring and laughing.
its currently hanging on our front door, and every time i look at it i laugh really, really hard.
the look on his face was just so priceless. unwilling to hurt my feelings, trying so hard to fake that he liked it.
he did a really good job.
sadly, the PS3 is still sitting where he opened it. he only gets one day off.... most likely this month. hopefully he will get a chance to mentally check out and enjoy it. he has to wait till the end of the month for Madden though.
ok, this story was really long. and honestly, when i tell it is WAY better.
so, come over and i'll tell you it.