influential

i'm back bold blogging again. i am happy to report that in the month that has passed that i do feel slightly less angry. or maybe i am doing a little better at being slow to anger. or maybe more people are praying for me. it's probably the last one.
after taking a hard look at myself as a wife and mother and recognizing the things in my heart that need to change i was thrown head first into the whirl wind of moving (well we only just moved, but it pretty much did preoccupy most of my mind space during the month of march). i will report that i do hate moving. and i will say that while you spend time packing boxes, moving boxes, unpacking boxes, and sorting through your belongings your mind really starts to wander, and as my mind wandered i felt the Lord speaking to my heart, convicting words.
why don't you enjoy these children? and, why did you want them?
i am 100% committed to being a stay at home mom. i am 100% convinced that the Lord is calling me to home-school them, and i am blessed beyond words that sam fully supports and agrees with me.
just because one has those convictions doesn't mean that it makes your life super easy.
but before i get oddly off topic, let me get back to what i am here to post about:
my influence in our home.
after taking a real look in the mirror, i am seeing a selfish wife and mother. i think i look at the necessities in life: food, clothes, cleanliness, training, and think- if those are done, i'm at least slightly ahead of the ball. and once i can balance those in, i really want to be able to focus on the long list of things that i would love to do with my time. and this is where i become really selfish because i get incredibly annoyed when my children appear, threatening to interrupt my time.
why did i have them if i just want them to leave me alone?
having children has really revealed to me my selfish heart, and that sucks to admit. i care more about me, than i do about them- on some levels.
and i need to change. because i know that my annoyance, my being fed up with them, influences other areas of my life- and other members of our family: sam.
i wonder how different our nights would go, if when sam came home if in addition to the hard parts of the day i have to share, if i also had wonderful stories of how i enjoyed our children. i know he would feed of my enthusiasm, i know it it my heart. and i believe he and i would feed off of each other, and equip each other to be better parents.
so how do i do it? how do i get to wonderful stories? how do i create the moments that make you happy you had kids?
1) by praying for it.
2) asking myself the following question: what would my children want to be doing with me?
3) recognizing that this time i have during the day, isn't my time, but it is time entrusted to me from the Lord, these are His precious children that He has given to me.
4) remembering that these tough ages- where playing trains and dolls and tea parties are not as much fun as it will be when the kids are older and can do more- won't last forever, and i will (i know i will, because everyone says you do) look back and miss this stage.

i do want to interrupt here and say this: i do not think a child needs 24/7 interaction. don't think that as i type this that my children are about to get a constant playmate, and hours of games, crafts, and stories. no, that is that not what i am trying to say. because i firmly believe a child needs an imagination, and time to play by themselves, and with their siblings- a balance of everything.
but here is what needs to change in me:
when i feel that urge to be done being an involved, engaged parent- whether it be 7pm at night, or 8:30 in the morning, i need to remember what really matters- that my children and their needs- whether it be training them patiently to entertain themselves, or together playing with them- is where i get my enjoyment.
to see my children as my joy, not my annoyance.
that showing my children a heart that is happy to serve, love, and play with them is one of the greatest things that i can give them.