discouraged.

today was just a rotten day masquerading as perfectly beautiful. it's nearly 11pm and i sit here typing, fairly discouraged. ok, completely discouraged. technically we are to be moving sometime during the next week. i haven't really announced this proudly to the world because i am not going to get excited until keys are put into my hands and i actually believe that it is all happening. i don't even really believe it after sending a hefty amount of money to our title company today. the move is stressing me out, mainly because it is magnifying my greatest weakness:
1) how much i hate mess
2) how much i hate money
3) how much i hate feeling out of control.

the mess is fairly disgusting. and its everywhere. the takeout containers from our late dinner are littering our living room, my sewing area is a fantastic mess, an odd assortment of outgrown kid clothes are just thrown on the floor, some breakfast, lunch, and all of the dinner mess extends from the living room to the kitchen.
and that is all of what i can see from where i am sitting.
out in the garage (oh the garage) is a disaster that could send me into a tizzy. and today i spent several hours (with my older kids happily playing in the sunny weather) trying to sort through baby clothes. 2 45 gallon sized garbage bags full of clothes to give away, and i still have 5 totes of kids clothes to sort through (and i really need to resort through the ones i already did go through and seriously downsize again- i mean how many 0-3 months onesies does a person need? not the 20 i am still clinging to). and that's just the kids clothes. there's an odd assortment of previously sorted donated clothes- yet they never were donated, there's all of my clothes, all the skinniest mary clothes, to the way to big maternity clothes, to the middle time. then there are unused toys.... oh, and so many other things i can't bear to think about it right now. oh, and i forgot the greatest part- the box elder bugs (the beetles as we call them) that infest our back yard go into the garage to hang out, mate, and die. there are literally thousands (i could take a picture) that just die flat on their back, and they are everywhere. it is disgusting. plus the neighborhood cats that sneak into the garage- one scarred me half to death when i took my last trip out there a few minutes ago.
needless to say, we could possibly close escrow on friday and i have packed 3 boxes.
3.
3 boxes for the house that today i found out would be costing a crazy amount more in water that i had ever dreamed possible. since its a duplex we are "buying" we have to pay 2 septic bills. that means before we even turn out the faucet we automatically are paying 121 bucks a month.
that sucks.
and they are full of books that won't be unpacked until we hang shelves. and judging by the undone projects that liter our garage, who knows when that will be.
and then the house needs money for us to be able to make it a little bigger in areas for our ever growing family, and that means i have to amend our taxes for the home buyer credit, and i somehow already amended it once for a mistake a made, and i can't stop and re amend with my original return, i would have to send 2 separate amendments to the irs.
am i not just begging them to stop by more door?
i find myself frustrated and angry. feeling overwhelmed by everything.
everything that God has blessed me with.
i mean, i have to many clothes- and so do the kids.
blessings.
we are most likely buying a house that has given us no complications during the entire process.
blessings.
we are getting money back on our taxes.
blessings.
and other small things, like my children playing happily together. and the weather being nice, answering a quite prayer i had barely made- desperate to wear skirts and hide the expansion of my thighs.
the next few weeks are going to be mad insane. henry turns 1 in 7 days, then campbell turns 4 right after that. somewhere in between there i need to finish their birthday gifts, mason's Easter dress, another baby shower gift, another birthday gift. and a good friend from florida will be in redding, so i need to drive the 3 hours with the kids and spend time with her and her family. our truck that won't smog needs to be driven and retired (before the 31st), the yard we have viciously neglected needs to be cleaned, our house needs to be moved, the new house needs to be cleaned, this house needs to be bleached down.
and yesterday when i went to open our van door (it wasn't on) to grab some febreeze (mason won't stop taking her diapers off in her crib, and this one was dirty) well the wipers started going.
that can't be good.
my life is full and busy.
and yet in all of this i know i need to find the moments to see what God is doing in my life, and how i can better serve Him.
and really, it could start by not locking myself in the bathroom screaming un-Jesus like things in my brain. several times during the day.
but instead, loving my kids (it always comes back to that, because it is the most important thing, and i don't understand why it is so hard) and enjoying what God has given me, remembering that these overwhelming feelings of anger and frustration and hate at the world, don't come from Him. and that its not through my strength that He is glorified, but through my weakness, because anyone who knows me knows that i cannot do this by myself, that i must rely on Him.
and that was the tiny gem i learned from my wonderful realtor last night as we signed our life away.... i mean, signed papers for our house.
your mom is the best Becky.
each day is a day the Lord has made, i need to rejoice, and be glad in it.