Tuesday, October 13, 2009

hitting home.

life. every day i feel like my brain gets overloaded. i think there is a chance that i have shared that once or twice. so many ideas pool into this space that i call my brain. ideas, thoughts, hopes, fears- you name it is there.
for the last week i have really felt an absolute restlessness to my spirit. this is a way the enemy attacks me- and i know it. i am not a decisive person, because i like to see options, try things out, and get a general feel for most things (you might say i generally wonder). mainly my indecisiveness comes out as doubt.
today i hosted a mom's play date. but it really is so much more than that. at the church i attend we have a pretty decent women's ministry- but nothing directly for us stay at home moms who are rearing young children. and we need it. we go through so many challenges every day, and need each other for the encouragement to face another day that will most likely be the same as the previous day and know that we can do it.
that what we are doing has eternal purpose. that our children are important, and that staying home matters even when it feels like it doesn't.
so over the last couple of months i have been planning (in my mind) different ways i see this ministry going.
i've even named it:
the early nesters.
we have an "empty nesters" group at our church, and i thought this seemed the most fitting- seeing that we are all starting our nests right now.
well for the last week i had been feeling mountains of stress and anxiety. i did not want to host this group, i didn't want to be involved in this ministry, i wanted to just throw the towel in.
this was crazy. i am usually the one who hosts things like this- for fun and random things. and now, that i am going at this for a purpose i suddenly don't want to?
your house is to small, the enemy whispers to me.
your children won't behave.
no one will come.
utter frustration. and absolute unrest of my spirit. it was honestly crippling. to the point that i couldn't even make a decision of what i would eat when out to lunch with sam at a fun restaurant. i was literally in tears, ready to pack up and go.
and the whole day (sunday) felt like someone was pushing me down, refusing to let me do what i needed to do.
haven't i said before that when we listen to lie we are ineffective for God?
thank you Lord for my husband. at about 9pm the night before my group, my husband stood in the kitchen with me and prayed for me, prayed that this anxiety and ineffectiveness would simply be gone.
and by the grace of God it was.
not that today (monday) went off without a few hiccups, but i see the potential of what God can do with this group of women. and i can see how i can be used for Him.
and how i want to serve Him with my arms open wide, despite my inadequacies and fears, but instead with Him and with His Grace and Love.
and tonight, as i try and wind down (and really wish that with each sip of my coffee it made me feel energized and not more sleepy) and do my study for tomorrow, i come across a passage that i am sure i have read many times.
but tonight, God's Living Word calls out to me in a brand new energizing way. i sure do love that about the Bible. in fact, i love that i will probably read this passage about 20 years from now and will have it change my heart in a completely new way.
Philippians 4:6-7
don't worry about anything; instead pray about everything; tell God your needs and don't forget to thank Him for His answers. if you do this you will experience God's peace, which is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand. His peace will keep your thoughts and your hearts quiet and at rest as you trust in Christ Jesus.
awesome. just awesome.
worry? nope. prayer. its so simple. and yet i forget and fail in it everyday.
but if i tell God my needs, and thank Him for the answers, what happens? experiencing God's peace- a peace, mind you that is more wonderful than the human mind can understand. and is this peace a maybe? nope- its a given. and this restless spirit that i constantly have can be restful. my heart that constantly bounces and stresses and strives for perfection?
it will be quiet.
the beginning and new realization of this passage is giving me a small taste of God's peace.
oh Lord, let this be my prayer, let your Peace keep my thoughts and heart quiet and at rest as i trust in You.


  1. Ah, I love PEACE, thank you for sharing Mary! I love your honesty, your heart towards God, and the picture of Sam praying with you in the kitchen, well.....let's just say I'm almost crying tears. Good ones.....ones that wonder at the awe of God, and there is a quiet peacefulness, in His Presence. You go girl!

  2. thanks mary - i needed this encouragement today.

  3. you are inspirational! I get into ruts like yours here, even when the solution is so easy, so simple. :) You are so wonderful for starting your mommies group at your church, but you encourage me as an "early nester" here at you blog as well... bless you!