Monday, July 6, 2009


am i content? i tell ya, everything just seems to be over crowding my brain right now. a couple of times in the last few days i have felt like just throwing the towel in and giving up. we hear stories about how women will up and leave their families. and you think "how can do that?".
they're tired. emotionally exhausted to the point that they just become numb.
well, there's probably a tad more involved in that (including some form of selfishness that comes when you abandon your family) but still, i am starting to slowly see myself reaching a breaking point of sorts.
the sorts? feeling absolutely out of control. my home is in a constant state is disarray, my 3 year old just will not listen to me, my body is so hormonal out of whack as it attempts to figure out some sort of "cycle", my hopes and plans are gathering dust (along with the mess), and the sewing- there is just sewing everywhere.
and of course, i leave out the husband who i am trying to spend time with. the two babies who make me smile and scream. and the quiet devotional time i am desperate to get.
stay-at-home mom's truly deserve a tax stipend.
aren't they looking for ways to create more jobs? government sponsored apprentice positions... in the form of house-cleaning for stay-at-home moms?
so the above is one whole mess in itself. all that isn't getting done.
and then i look at my babies (all 3) and just feel frustrated (especially in this midnight hour as the oldest will not sleep). i spend half of my time looking at my new baby so sad that he is already getting so big, wondering why he isn't my little newborn... wondering how the other 2 have gotten so big so fast, why the tiny baby stage doesn't last longer.
and then i look at all of them, especially when they are making me work the hardest, and think "i am just looking forward to when they outgrow this, when this or this will be different".
why can i not be content with the age they are?
all of this complaining really comes down to one thing: my heart.
yes, i have a lot of balls i am trying to juggle. but i can do it. the Lord won't give me more than i can handle. it may feel that way, but i just need to readjust, reevaluate, and refocus what is important in my life (something Sam and i did tonight).
i need to find some sort of peace and basically accept what is my life right now. sometimes things are going to be out of my control and my plans are not going to be so smooth.
but its ok.
and as hard as every age is with my children, i will always miss the baby stage, and always hope for a fast outgrowing of the difficult times.
i have many lofty goals for tomorrow. so many projects in the works; sewing related, school related, etsy related, friend related, family related.
hmmmm.... perhaps part of the problem is biting off more than i can chew. not that i need to stop doing something, but perhaps remembering that i don't only have breakfast. there is lunch, dinner- and all the snacks i eat!


  1. You're not alone. I could have written this myself today. :) All day long it was one BIG tantrum. I have those days when I wish for him to hurry up and grow, but then I remind myself I wont get that time back, and somehow that always puts it into perspective for me. But I have one. So much easier than three under three. I'm just happy it's night time, and he's resting peacefully in bed...and I get a few moments to myself before I myself passout. I haven't touched my sewing machine in over a week...I sure miss it. Life just gets a little too busy sometimes. :)