Saturday, February 18, 2012

i would hate to shatter any illusions.

so here it is. i'm not perfect. i am pretty much as far from perfect as a person could get. and i would never want this little bit of blog space to be an false representation of that. of me.
in the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead. but someone will say, "you have faith; I have deeds" show me your faith without deeds and i will show you my faith by what i do. james 2: 17-18
i have been excused of not truly loving a fellow person as a brother/sister in Christ, and "i don't know your heart, all i have is your words and i believe our mouth says what's in the heart"
so. what is in my heart?
this is know for sure. my desire is to serve the Lord. it is almost a desperate desire. i am so thankful for way He has rescued me from the darkness that i just want to give Him everything that i have. my life has been forever changed. i look back through pictures from the past couple of years and i can just see a radiant change in my face. i am smiling like i am on some kind of drug. its light. i have so much light in my life now.
i am seeking the Lord every day. i am spending time in His Word. i am putting His Word close to my heart. and i am talking about Him. praying to Him. well, i journal a lot. my hearts desire is for my life to show Him the glory He deserves.
that is my heart for the Lord.
but. i am not perfect. so terribly not perfect. guess i need a Savior, right?
my greatest failings right now?
~ my stress level seems to have no buffer zone. depositing my kids into sam's moms arms this weekend caused a lot of stress and anxiety for me. cause it represented the first time that the separation was meaning me being separated from my kids. not that i couldn't have stayed with donna and jess. cause i can. but i can't. i'm just not ready for that. i'm not going to apologize for this. i don't believe it is a permanent condition of my heart. but come on, my life for the last 10 years has just radically changed. i have changed.
that being said, i really hate how my stress level is jumping all over the place. because it means i am not using any of the fruits of the spirit. and i don't like that. patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness. i need those things to be what come out of me. that is what i want.
~ my language. i'm not liking how with the same tongue that wants to sing of God's goodness in my life is still struggling with dropping the f-word in conversation. of course, i'm not just using the f-word like i'm a character in a trashy comedy. my blood can start to boil, and it seems to just sort of spill out of me. and it doesn't need to. it really doesn't need to. i can have joy and love be what comes out of me, while still telling my story.
~ my struggling feelings with sam.
ok, so he's the one telling me that i am not loving him like a Christian brother. i am not typing this here in my blog as a means for people to pick up their pitch forks and start jabbing at him.
this is what happened: i went out to dinner with a good friend, i had one too many beers (yes, serena's attempts to fatten me up with baking has worked, but when you drink one beer in 5 minutes flat without food on your stomach.... well, you don't feel bad.) and was told an unsettling story. basically, about a year into our marriage, sam had invited one (that i know of) girl back to our apartment late in the evening for beers and to listen to music. something happened. she's saying one thing, he is saying another thing. he is mad at me for not believing him. he is mad that i am getting the way of his recovery from his problems.
and i told him- i texted him- that i hated him.
in the moment, no, not my smartest text. because i do not want to be a woman who hates. i want to fill my life with loving the Lord.
well, sam was all over this. he clung to this text and basically gave me the my mouth speaks what is in my heart, and kind of made me feel like i am being a phony in my declaration of my love for the Lord.
you know what. it SUCKS that i am still having to hear about crap that sam has done. it SUCKS that he can't sit down and be COMPLETELY honest. because all i want is all of the truth. and i have to realize, i am never going to get that.
do i hate him? well, he thinks i do. and he will know read this blog and be even angrier at me.
but you know what, i need to be honest here in my space. and i need to be able to talk about my struggles. yes, i hate that i have to keep find out stuff. i hate what he did. i do not want to be with him.
and am i struggling with my anger towards him? well, when i learn new things it really does set me back. this is the honest truth: i do not desire to have hate growing in my heart towards him. the truth- i've been through quite an ordeal, my entire life did just flip upside down. i had basically been a frog slowly boiling in water, and thankfully the Lord got me out before i died. but, it feels like every time i am shown more of the lies its like i dip my foot back in that boiling water- and it makes me angry, it hurts, and instead of breaking down into a sobbing mess (which i do still do) i get very angry.
i do NOT want to be angry. i don't.
sam wants to know why i can demonstrate grace for Cedar but not for him.
well, that's a good question.
i'm not going to be able to talk to Cedar anymore. and i would ask that those who are faithful in prayer would pray for her. she feels like she is in the middle of a bad situation. when she tells me that " i'm having a really hard time right now. being in between you two is making my nerves go crazy, i'm being told different things by both of you. and i want to believe both of you".
well. what i gather from this, is that sam is still talking to her. and i don't know what he is saying to her, i'd be happy to tell you what i say to her. i tell her i forgive her, that i pray for her, that she is dear to my heart, that i am here for her. and i try and listen to her and how she is doing with all of this, because it has not been easy for her.
seriously, my heart breaks for her. it really does. and why? because while i have my Savior, i know the truth, i am protected in my Father's arms and i am experiencing His love as He dishes it out in wonderfully creative ways, i don't know where she is at.
but i don't want to cause her pain, i don't want to hurt her. so i trust that the Lord is in control, and i will continue to pray. sam is mad that i am talking to her. he's mad that i won't give him grace.
well. he's still not been completely honest with me.
this is NOT a bad mouth sam post. it isn't.
i am struggling. i am actively working on my forgiveness. i everyday need my Savior to bring me closer to Him.
and you know what. i am NOT perfect. but i am striving to be more like Jesus. i want to love the way He wants me to love. i want to bring Him glory.
so i know that i need to work more towards what He wants me to do.
and so, when i am being told that out of my mouth comes the motives of my heart- i would answer with this: i am trying. this isn't easy for me. i am trying. my heart has been seriously controlled and manipulated and hurt, and as i am being changed and molded by my Father into the woman He wants me to be, i would ask that everyone remember it isn't instantaneous. and i will not sit on the high horse of this blog and pretend that i am something i am not.
i am trying.
and this:
therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. (i am hoping in the glory of God) Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance, perseverance, character, and character hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured our his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.
Romans 5:1-5
would you note how it says produces. not produced. meaning that i am not supposed to be instantly perfect- but produces- i am working on it. i am trying.
so. i will be actively seeking the Lord so i am not easily stressed, but instead easily calmed by His truth and love. i will be actively seeking the Lord so that i am not so prone to speak ugly words, but let my voice be something that brings Glory to Him. and i will be actively seeking the Lord so that i am not cultivating hate in my heart towards sam. i think the best thing that i can do in that regard is know this: i will only know the truth that comes from the Lord. He will be honest with me. He loves me.
there is a sky that i fell through.
and i am okay, well better than okay.
but not perfect.

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