Wednesday, February 15, 2012

the shortcomings of a woman serving the Lord

it has been quite a day. and the day isn't even over yet. so many times today have i tried hard to not have "feelings". i want to keep my eyes focused on the Lord. and not question what has happened.
let me explain a little more. which is hard when Straylight Run's Try is blaring loudly in my ears and i'm trying very hard to not start dancing on my bar stool at my new favorite coffee place. that serves beer. and yes, the guy behind the register thought i was 23. i think i'm going to be just fine. however i think of phoebee handing her id to sean penn's character on friends, "oh, i don't even want to show you this now".
i'm old.
i'm a 30 year old mother of 4 sitting at a bar dancing to music playing in my ear while everyone else moves around me to their own beat. no one knows me.
i'm not quite sure why Try has been my go to song. it was my favorite song to hear sam play on the guitar, but i am not listening to it because i am thinking of him, because i don't really ever think of him. i'm listening to it because something about it reaches out to me. i'm just not sure what.
i thought of sam today. when i was frustrated at 5:30 with a whining henry who wouldn't eat his dinner, with a baby who wanted to be held, with mason demanding a bath, with campbell not picking up trains. and i was frustrated. why am i doing this alone????? even though i have family around me, why am i now a single mother? why am i back in my parents home instead of in my house? why am i so far away from Gus??? why am i in such a tight spot?
and you know what? even when the water from mason's bath that i neglected to turn off had filled her tub and 3 inches of my bathroom floor, i remembered deep in my heart- i am THANKFUL.
so very thankful. to the depth of my core. to the beat of my heart. to my hands beating to air drums. this is where the Lord has me. right now, in this bar stool, listening to happy hour stories.
being terribly embarrassed when drew behind the bar tells me how in junior high he liked bleed american. i'm old.
but i'm feeling young.
today, i spent 90 minutes in a counseling session, and it was uplifting, reassuring, and at the end my hope for returning was that i am wanting to continue to seek the Lord. my heart is so pulled toward Him. my eyes are fixed on Him. and i want nothing to change that. NOTHING. i've been in the darkness before, and i never want to be in the darkness again. NEVER.
i wish when the water had soaked my feet this evening that i could have laughed with my daughter instead of being frustrated that it hadn't occurred to her to turn the water off. i wish when henry was fussing non stop that i had chased him around the living room and tickled him. i wish i had built more track with campbell, i wish that i had hugged my baby a few more times.
but what i did do- was remain thankful. always thankful. because honestly, i don't want anything different right now. if i could go back and change things i wouldn't. i am to happy. to thankful for where the Lord has me, and for how He is Sovereign in all things.
i love it. bring on the hard days. bring on the things that i struggle with that mean i have to go to Him in prayer and trust.
bring it on.
i'm thankful.

96) for early morning texts from my lovely best friend. telling her how i cry when i look at my rainbow closet and miss her. look for a post dedicated to my unfailing love for her.

97) touching my sister's belly and knowing that Hope is growing in there.

98) knowing that hope is growing in me. from Him.

99) He loves me. He died on the cross for my shortcomings as a mother, as a woman, as a daughter of my Father.

100) for the sweet taste of one york a day.

101) for a $3 beer that is now gone.

102) for a shuffled playlist that i love.

103) for emails from an old friend from my college days, and knowing that he and his wife love me dearly.

104) the requests of my children to hear Psalm 121 played in music form.

105) a darkened coffee shop where i can blast music in my ears and write.

106) for every morning when i come down the stairs and am greeted with amazing cheers from my children. i kinda rock there world.

107) mason's prayers at dinner time.

108) for the simple things, like wearing an owl t-shirt from my sister, and seeing my owl book end, and knowing that i am in His hands.

109) for absentmindedly sitting in a chair at fred meyers to talk on the phone and sip my coffee and realized, i sat in a green one.

110) for loving the color green. but happily moving on to orange.

111) i was gonna stop at 110, but i'm thankful that for the first time in my life i feel so alive in the Lord that i can sit here and bounce back in forth as the music plays in my ears and i don't really care at all.

112) for 610+ more reasons to come about being thankful.

113) for knowing that i can open my Bible and find all the truth i need about who He is, and what He is doing. even if the plan isn't totally visible, and i might feel blindfolded at times, He is leading me.

114) for the americano that i am going to order once i hit post. i may have drunk my beer to quickly.

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