Monday, February 6, 2012

when my mind briefly falters.

i went to bed last night, late. i usually go to bed late. everything in my life has become such a complete shift for me. i used to get up super early, and now, its the night time that arouses me. i used to move mountains to work on my physical body, now i feel weary if i am not working on my spiritual body. i used to feel like fading back into a crowd, now i want to tap dance in front of a fireplace letting the love of Christ that is in me shine out for all to see. for Him, not for me. i am but nothing. it is He is me that makes me everything that i am.
i meditate a lot on the truth. my mind for the last 10 years has been victimized of doubts. certain things like, "well, sure lots of husbands fall asleep in their cars at 3 am and just don't come home..." when that happens like 4 times and you are trying to convince yourself you aren't crazy, well- it makes you crazy.
if i keep my mind centered on the truth of Christ, if i keep my life open and willing to serve and love, if my mind is meditating on the Lord, if i am walking with Him.
i find myself saying little things over and over again to myself:
God is Sovereign (this is huge, it means nothing is a whoops, it means God is in control) He's got me, Jesus loves me, Jesus died for me, The Lord will fight for me, i need only be still, Be still, be strong and very courageous.
and, i do a lot of picturing in my mind, i picture myself in heaven, praising Him in all His glory. i picture myself in a place where there is no pain, no heartache, just Him and glory.
i picture myself at the cross. i picture my Jesus dying for me- He who was perfect, i am who am perfectly flawed and fail in every way, someone else wants me to be perfect.
so last night, as i was falling asleep, and my mind is tired, and the little lies that the enemy tries to bait me with plop into my head, i felt tired.
and this morning, i am not.
bring it on.
the doubts and fear that cloud by mind creating lies are thing that cause me to doubt who the Lord is. so i can cling to truth.
the greatest gift i have ever been given: salvation.
EVERYTHING else that is in m life- gifts from the Lord! all the people, all the things, all the experiences (even something painful like the experience i have been dealing with) and when i let myself worry for even a split second, that well- what if i don't have certain gifts tomorrow? what if something is different than today? well, then i sin and take the glory away from the Lord- because he is the master gift giver and He takes joy in how happy what He gives me makes me. and i know that tomorrow when i wake up i will have at least- which is also the GREATEST (i wake up every morning with the GREATEST gift at my feet) the amazing gift of eternal life. every other gift if a bonus. i have already been given the best.
so i will enjoy every gift my Father gives me today, for every second. this is why He it upsets Him when we complain- LOOK at what He has given us.
i will enjoy what my Father gives me. i will treat my gifts well with respect and in a way that is pleasing to He who gives them.
and i will be thankful. so very thankful.

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