Wednesday, January 7, 2009

not my greatest moments

today wasn't a great day.  and as the day slowly comes to end here i have to say that i am thrilled. 
i just wasn't a very good mom.  not to either of my kids.
i know i said "no" more than was necessary.  and i know that i didn't have patience.  3 straight days of 3 little kids (mine and the one i watch). not one of them in particular was especially bad, just combine the occasional annoyances of 1 child into 3 and it starts to become a volcano.  separate they are great, together it was a nightmare.
but was it?
or was i just being selfish?
there wasn't anything i needed to do today. just be a mom. and a caretaker (oh and i forget for 2 hours i did have another child here as well)
but i can handle this.  i know i can.
so why did i have to lose so much patience?
why did i say no so many times, when i should have just smiled.
why did i overreact at the littlest things a child does?
and why now, that my children are sleeping soundly do i feel horridly guilty.
i had snapped so hard at campbell.  he had gotten into his flash cards again.  am i helping him not sin- when i have them in a place that he now can reach? he's curious.  he wants to see the cards. all i saw was the mess of cards on the floor.  i ordered him out of his room and to the table for lunch.  and as he's fighting back tears as i set his plate down, i turn to leave and i hear the quietest little "thank you".
well just break my heart.
he loves me in spite of all of my mess-ups- why can't i do the same to him?
don't get me wrong, i love him.  but did i have the patience for him? no.
and love is patient.
and my 2 1/2 year old still new enough and had enough tender, innocent love for his mama to say "thank you" even after i had just broken his spirit a little.
i am thrilled today is over.
because i have 2 more stories from today that feel as equally heart-wrenching and guilt-filled.
but today is over.
and tomorrow morning i will wake up to 2 beautiful kids, standing in their cribs, waiting for me to love them, play with them, feed them, read to them, care for them, laugh and sing with them:
and be patient with them.
i have a do over.
i can do it.
because nothing matters more than them.
except the example i am setting.  teaching them about the Lord and how much He loves them is my first priority.  and i have to keep my eyes focused on that.
that is not an excuse for them to be naughty, because they will be.  they will sin, they will need me to say no.
but first they need me to be slow to anger.

james 1: 19
understand this my dear brothers and sisters: you must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. (nlt)


  1. You are an amazing mother. I am so overemotional that I am crying while I am reading this. I could feel your pain in how yo felt and little Campbell too. I admire your honesty. I hope I can be at least half the mom you are. I love you!

  2. It's a constant growing to be more like Christ.