Monday, January 12, 2009

will i ever not feel tired?

lately i have been so tired.  of course it is 10:21 and i am perched at the computer as opposed to nestled in my comfy bed.  i guess i have just been feeling mentally bogged down, and the only time i have to just unwind is at night.  so i want to stay up, to be productive, or alone, or just not with the children.  don't get me wrong- i love my kids.  campbell just wants to be read to all day long, or played games with, or something. and mason is a handful.
but i think:
1) why am i a stay at home mom if it isn't to spend time with them?
2) they will only be this little for such a short time.

so i am exhausted.  
but its more than that.
my brain is just on overload.
i can't seem to sort out the priorities.
all i want to do is be done with all the "stuff" that needs to be done.
for the whole year.
not the month.
the year.
everything in my brain just feels cluttered.
and no matter how many lists i continue to make, i just cannot get everything straightened out.
and the countdown is on.
10 1/2 weeks till henry could arrive.
and then everything will change, temporarily.
scheduling, my free time (ha, what free time?)
getting back on track with what i eat, and trying to find time for exercising.
then home-schooling. campbell will be 3 soon, and he's ready for more structure now.
all these things that plague my brain everyday, and then the millions i am leaving out.
i really just want a list to be focused.
but i'm not.
maybe that's ok.
maybe i should just look at the apron on my ironing board, and sew the strings, and sew it together.
brilliant idea.
well, until i have a list, i will finish the projects i see out, continue to read to my kids, clean my house, and feel the pressure of a time clock that is slowly clicking away.
and try to find some sleep and rest.

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