total weakness.

if you don't know me, i'll tell you now and shatter any illusions about myself: i'm a work out video junkie. i'm addicted. and i haven't been able to do any videos for quite awhile. since january 2nd. i was very sick. and then the next day sam left me for a 3 day "hiking" trip. i later learned (january 11) that he had taken his 9 months girl to disneyland. my disneyland. that kind of stung. okay, that's a huge understatement- that was like someone was holding me down peeling away the outer muscle of my shattered heart and pouring acid on the wound. seriously.
2 Corinthians 12:9 but he said to me, "my grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."
well, He must be quite powerful right now. my weakness is insane.
Jesus,
my heart continues to break. my mind is so full of confusing chatter that i cannot hear your voice. i do NOT want to hear what others are saying. i believe You can use them to tell me what You want to say, but i am to weak for anything ANYTHING but You and your grace. i can only find myself right now in YOU. in what YOU have to say. my trust in everyone feels shattered. i need your love RIGHT NOW. i need You to extend a peace that surpasses my understanding RIGHT NOW. i am not asking for you to fix my broken heart at this moment. i am asking for you to hold me while i weep. i am asking you to give me strength to see everything that is happening around me. i am asking for just something, anything that will help me feel carried. i am feeling helpless without feeling Your love. if i cannot feel anything right now Lord, please be the thing that i can feel. God, please do not abandon me, find me in my emptiness and fill me like no other can.
take away the false hopes i have and give me your hope. the path is so far away from me, i hate patience- i hate PATIENCE, i want i want i want. and I need.
I need patience. i need your Hand to hold.