Tuesday, January 24, 2012

a little bit bummed with a headache.

today hasn't been the best day, but let me tell you- it hasn't been the worst. i have definitely experienced some of the worst days of my life in the last 2 weeks.
2 weeks. well, technically 2 weeks at about 1 am.
2 weeks ago tonight i was desperately asking sam to quit his job, i was begging him to see his cell phone bill, i was asking him to cancel his phone, i was asking him if he was willing to do anything i needed for me to be able to trust him.
and he said no.
i had strong suspicions that he was having an affair with C from his store. and he was insisting on his innocence and telling me that the problems we had with trust were that i was obsessive about who he called and text and i didn't trust him.
things get more and more clear to me as the days go by.
i remember crying harder that night than i had ever cried (until that point) and i didn't even know the truth. but i felt so incredibly desperate. i felt trapped. stuck in a marriage with a man who i knew was lying to me (to the extent i wouldn't learn until later) and knowing that i couldn't leave and get a divorce without proof.
i was sobbing. sam thought that i was sobbing about him, and feeling bad about our relationship.
i was sobbing- desperate for the Lord, i was begging the Lord to help me. to rescue me. to show me the truth. to show me His face.
and about 4 hours later He did, in the most life altering way.
i am not sure how much detail i have gotten into. everything happened in the Lord's time.
the night before (monday) i had woken up at 3 am, and had snuck downstairs and gotten sam's phone. there was no evidence other than phone calls to C (which i knew weren't "proof" since they worked together) i had tried to get on his computer, but the battery was almost dead, so i left it alone.
had i kept digging in his backpack i would have found a framed picture of sam and his girlfriend (a present from her to him) but i didn't. and i keep wondering why.
if i had found a framed picture that night, i wouldn't have woken up tuesday morning and gone seeking for my dear friend Kecia. she had guided me through many problems i had had in the past, always providing me with the Word of God. not her opinion, not her thoughts, but just her love and her comfort and the Word.
i sent her a text (i hadn't spoken to her in 2 years) and she dropped everything, opened her home to me and my children and i spent 6 hours with her, in the Word.
without returning to that friendship i wouldn't be where i am right now. completely supported and uplifted in the Word, reminded constantly of the truth, and surrounded by such strong Biblical Counsel.
everything in the Lord's time.
because the Lord did reveal the darkness of sam's heart.
tuesday night/wednesday morning i awoke again, checked his phone- nothing. grabbed his computer, nothing in the history. and i closed it. and it was the Lord, the Lord's gentle but strong nudge to open that computer one more time and to look in the finder.
and what did i find. the truth. horrible, ugly, vivid truth that stared right back at me.
and the relief that fled through my body was unbelievable. because at that moment i knew the Lord had answered my prayers, had heard my desperate plea, my sobs, and had delivered me out of the darkness and into the light.
thinking back to that night makes me very sad. thinking about many things that involve sam right now make me very sad.
however, i have a lot to be thankful for.

17) plugging into a women's Bible study today, having the lesson today be on Proverbs 16, i just love sobbing like a baby in front of a group of women that i just don't know.
but when you read words like these:

Proverbs 16

1 To man belong the plans of the heart,
but from the LORD comes the reply of the tongue.

2 All a man’s ways seem innocent to him,
but motives are weighed by the LORD.

3 Commit to the LORD whatever you do,
and your plans will succeed.

4 The LORD works out everything for his own ends—
even the wicked for a day of disaster.

5 The LORD detests all the proud of heart.
Be sure of this: They will not go unpunished.

6 Through love and faithfulness sin is atoned for;
through the fear of the LORD a man avoids evil.

7 When a man’s ways are pleasing to the LORD,
he makes even his enemies live at peace with him.

8 Better a little with righteousness
than much gain with injustice.

9 In his heart a man plans his course,
but the LORD determines his steps.


17 The highway of the upright avoids evil;
he who guards his way guards his life.

18 Pride goes before destruction,
a haughty spirit before a fall.

19 Better to be lowly in spirit and among the oppressed
than to share plunder with the proud.

20 Whoever gives heed to instruction prospers,
and blessed is he who trusts in the LORD.

21 The wise in heart are called discerning,
and pleasant words promote instruction.


32 Better a patient man than a warrior,
a man who controls his temper than one who takes a city.

its hard not not feel anything but encouraged, and loved, and reassured that you are right where the Lord wants you to be.

18) my family, everyone has pretty much dropped everything to support me and take care of my kids. and even now, when i am feeling a little better, they want me to be able to take care of myself. it is amazing to have such consistent help and support with my children as i find out where the Lord wants me. and what the Lord wants for me.

19) Confidence in the Word of God. it will never fail me. And its Words never change.

20) Pizza. and the slow return of my appetite. which also mean the quick return to exercise.

21) the massage i got from my good friend Cortney yesterday. 1 hour of relaxation.

22) Kristine and Adam Platner. Kristine is making sure that i am not isolated or alone. And Adam selflessly came to my aid tonight trying to fix the windshield wipers on my car.

23) my "family" out in Weimar. the support and love i am getting to do what is God's Will is just insane. to have people that i can completely trust, and who honestly want what the Lord has for me is so wonderful. i feel like i can slowly start thinking straight.

24) watching Wilder eat pizza. it was pretty funny.

25) late nights and great encouragement and support.

26) realizing that i probably have a very good chance of getting on the Amazing Race now... i mean, in all seriousness- can't you just see me at the mat with Phil discussing my "new life"? who's with me? seriously. i need a partner.

27) for children who always want to hug me.

28) complete and total trust in the Lord, and knowing that He holds me in His Hands and He loves me so very much, and will never leave or forsake me.

more to come.


  1. You hardly sound the same as you did a few days ago. You sound good, strong (in the Lord). He will work everything to your good! :) Because you love Him! :)

  2. Drop me a line. arlyhelm@pacbell.net