Friday, January 20, 2012

Thoughts from the darkness

I think I felt more sad yesterday then I needed to. More angry. If I could picture myself shedding these items,standing in front of Jesus my Savior, and removing each item that is seriously weighing myself down. And remove them all, till I stand naked and with nothing in front of my Jesus and let Him who died for me wrap His arms around me, filling me with Everything! Why oh why do I keep trying to bring these questions to Sam? He didn't die for me, he didn't love me the way Christ loves the church- he betrayed me and Our Savior.
So why when I am broken and abused do I try and hand my problems to not only the one who can do NOTHING for me?
Jesus, just Jesus, the Wonderful Counselor, who humbled Himself to be a man, and took all my sin and all my pain, so that I might be able to be strong in Him.
Jesus, I stand before you and I hand you all my pain, please oh Lord, take my pain and bring me into your arms. I know I want all the answers and I know that I want to know my plan and future right now, but you are working here, making me complete, mature, not lacking anything.
And God, my God, how much more forceful can you be? You take me by my shoulders and you set me down. You take away light so that I can see through the darkness to You and only You. You have a plan for me. And even if now as I let myself hope for something more, I know that I can rest all of my hope only in You. In Your Love. In singing and dancing, in eternity, and when I do turn my focus soley to You, right now, it is All that I want to do. And I know what bogged me down again yesterday, I want to CONTROL this situation yet again, I want the truth, and I am fighting for it madly like a raving lunatic having to be restrained.
And why? Why am I truly fighting so hard? You are standing right beside me waiting patiently for me to turn to you and say, " Oh Jesus, can you please take care of this?" and not only will you take on my burden, but You want me to rest and be refreshed in Your awesome presence.
So my Jesus,forgive me for yesterday, even after hearing Your promises at 1 am just 2 days ago, even after hearing the cry of my heart and having fellowship with You, I awoke and faltered. You were ready for this, with Your Hand reached out and ready to lead me down the path and what did I do? I asked You to hold on so that I-I- could take care of a few things first.
What a foolish woman I am, Your hand is in this, I cannot control or take on this battle, not when You are asking me to let You fight for me.
And I don't stand idly by, I am standing prepared, cloacked in the awesome armor of my Lord, the same God that shut the lions mouth for Daniel, the same God that comforted David, the same God that fought for Israel. He wants to do that for me. And He will never lie to me!!! He will NEVER le to me!! And He loves me, and He will guide me through this.
And as I sit in my candlelit room, furiously scribbling notes from my heart down for YOU, I have to remember just how thankful I need to be.
Am I out in the cold? No- You have provided shelter for me.
Are my children starving? No Lord, You are providing for them.
Am I alone? No Lord, You are with me and even if that was all, it isn't. You have given me Godly friends who love me and uplift me more and more everyday.
And in the midst of all my turmoil, I know you are using me for Your Glory, not only are You pulling me closer to You, but You are using me for Your Glory.


  1. Stay right there, Mary. Let Him do the work and stay right where you are until He asks more of you...

  2. My heart is full of joy and my eyes tear-filled at the Awsomeness of our Lord! So proud of you- choosing Him over our natural man! I know you please Him! Love that we are sisters in the Lord! Keep up the good fight of resting beneath His wing! Near to His heart! Love you friend!