Tuesday, January 31, 2012

ups and downs

today was a harder day. the morning was awesome. just wonderful. i woke up revived in the love that God has for me. i felt thankful, and faithful to Him. i spent my morning writing down Bible verses and listening to worship music.
and then the attempt to rip me from my Father's arms happened.
i was told today that i need to tell my blog readers that Sam "is a committed husband who is fighting for his family, while i am not".
so consider yourself told.
he also told me that "if I (me) have forgiven him, I absolve my right to use his sin against him in a manipulative way, that Jesus forgives as far as the east is from the west, and that i cannot throw his old sin back in his face".
you can guess that it did feel awesome to hear all of that. and as i sit here trying to see my keyboard, squinting through contacts that are so blurry from hours (no exaggeration) of crying today- in fact crying in a coffee shop (no more starbucks for me) so much that someone approached me. when asked if i was ok, i simply said, 'i just really need to trust that Jesus has me' and the man said, "He is all you will ever need."
as i left the coffee shop i realized it was a Jesus lovin' coffee shop. i will be back. it was wonderful, pleasant, and a fairly good americano.
tonight i went to a support group, i don't really think it is a fit for me. i've found that talking to key people in my life offer me a lot of support. spending an hour sobbing on the phone with my dear friend Kecia, was more support than i can probably get in many places.
but as i was driving to support group i was singing just as loud as i could. surely, goodness, and mercy. its my current yelling out song. and the key isn't to high for my voice. and i sat in the van, texting a friend, saying that only in the dark, while i'm driving can i sing loud the songs that bring me close to Jesus.
then i walked into support group, and the worship band sang 3 songs that i have been listening to every night.
Jesus is freaking amazing.
being able to praise and worship, loudly, was wonderful.
and then as i came home tonight, and read the Word of God outloud, tears falling down my face, I am reminded that His Grace is all that i need.
He's got me.
It's my new slogan.
if you are wondering what you can pray for me- here you go:
~ patience.
~ to be kind in my actions and words when i speak with Sam. he is very confused- thinking that forgiveness means restoration of our marriage. divorce is a sad thing, and God doesn't like it, in fact He only gives a reason for divorce in 2 areas- and you know what the Lord HATES adultery. HATES ADULTERY. i will stand before the Lord for my decision. with my arms open wide. i have the choice. and i am taking it. not to be mean. not to be cruel. not to get vindication. but because the Lord is there, able to take me in His arms, and insure that i will never be in darkness again, and that, He will love me endlessly, and never hurt me, never commit adultery to me, and will love me forever. i rest in Him. i trust in Him. i Love Him.
~ tomorrow i am purposely seeking the Lord- in everything i do. more so than i do on a normal day, but tomorrow is special. if you can pray that i seek the Lord with all my heart, all my soul, mind, everything.

i am doing good. as long as i keep my eyes on Jesus. the problem is i think i need to keep my hands over my ears and my eyes on Jesus. He lifts me up so high. He has carried me to safety.

this was my passage for today, i openly wept as i read it. and continued to weep as i continued to read it. i will mediate on it tonight, and tomorrow.
Psalm 6
O Lord, do not rebuke me in your anger or discipline me in your wrath. Be merciful to me, Lord, for I am faint; O Lord, heal me, for my bones are in agony. My soul is in anguish, How long, O Lord, how long? Turn, O Lord, and deliver me; save me because of your unfailing love. No one remembers you when he is dead. Who praises you from the grave? I am worn out from groaning; all night long I flood my bed with weeping and drench my couch with tears. My eyes grow weak with sorrow, they fail because of all my foes. Away from me, all you who do evil, for the Lord has heard my weeping. The Lord has heard my cry for mercy, the Lord accepts my prayer. All my enemies will be ashamed and dismayed; they will turn back in sudden disgrace.

oh, my evening was wonderful. just the middle part of my day was hard. but once i got my eyes back on the Lord, and back in my Father's arms, all was good.
He loves me.
He's got me.


  1. Dear, Sweet Mary,
    I am praying for you in the ways you have asked. And I understand your reason for divorce; I could not live with an unfaithful husband, either. Someday Sam will understand that, even though forgiveness is given, there are consequences for actions taken. Love you, Friend!

  2. Mary, i too am praying for you everyday. You write beautifully and from the heart and I love to read it.

  3. Mary,
    Just some encouragement for you. The comments that Sam made about "fighting for his family, while you're not" and "if you have forgiven him you wouldn't be throwing his "old" sin back in his face". OH PLEASE!! You know... this doesn't sound like it's coming from a man that's TRULY repentent of his sin(s). Because if he were he would be so remorseful for what he had done that he would be completely understanding of what you're doing. He may not like it and is embarrassed about it but he WOULD understand. A man that KNOWS he's in the wrong would not be guilt tripping you like that!! Hang in there Mary! You have every right to grieve and vent. That is your right! Don't let those silly words from him, and any other silly words from him in the future get you down! That's Satan talking! Ignore it and move on!
    GOD BLESS YOU and your family!!