Friday, January 20, 2012

It is moment to moment crazy around in my brain. And even though I know more truths of what I need to do, my heart is so horridly broken that the grief is making me go crazy.
Highlights of the day
- calling Sam a really bad word, over the phone, in a Starbucks, causing everyone to turn and look at me.
- yelling at a friend, who was trying to speak truth. Did I mention she's pregnant. I was wrong, but I'm sorry, being lectured on forgiveness right now? Really? Not what I want to hear. It may be what I need to hear- but there is a time. And right now I am terribly broken.
- self inflecting pain on myself- i really don't need to see all the Facebook pages of the conquests of Sam, and yet i do.
- crying and crying and crying.
- asking for divorce over and over again.
- refusing to be still and wait on the Lord
- refusing to detach myself from Sam.
- feeling so stinking crazy that I would love to swan dive off of a very tall building.
-feeling so engulfed by pain that I cannot bring myself to Jesus.
- feeling so angry I do believe I could commit murder

Smart choices I made today?
- I ate.
- I deactivated my facebook page. It's making me crazy. I know i have a lot of friends, but the sin of the world is on Facebook, and it's difficult to see one without the other. At least for me right now.

Things that made me happy.
- wilder's excessive cuddling, there is someone who truly loves me.
- encouraging a friend. Although I need to listen to the words i am saying.

I am hopeful for the return of power.
I am hopeful my head will stop pounding.
I am hopeful I will make better choices to deal with my pain.
I am hopeful to spend more time with my kids. It's hard to be around them.
I am hopeful I can not contact Sam.

That is pretty much all i have- right now.
Some minutes are better than others.
So hours are long and horrid.
I am desperate for peace.
I am so very desperate to not feel this way.

1 comment:

  1. I have been reading your blog and all these posts about your husband. I could just cry for you. I cannot imagine what kind of pain you are going through. I have 4 boys and if my husband did this to me I'm pretty sure I feel all those emotions you have felt. You are not alone. I am praying for you. This didn't come to stay "It came to pass". God will help you through this. Forgiveness is hard and I'm not sure if I could forgive. You are a good mother and I know you will seek God in your decisions. Be strong for your children...they need you. I pray for God to give you peace and comfort in this time of greiving. Take care of yourself.